Date 5: A Well Needed Success

I wrote about the lack of engagement on the dating sites here and here  and my point was to demonstrate how shallow I feel the pool has become this year.  I do think my age plays a part, but I am not changing my age on the app just to secure more dates.  I am not in a frame of mind for casual sex these days so there’s really no point.  I no longer want any casual encounters, I am looking for someone with whom I can endeavor to have a decent relationship with.

It’s slow going for me because I am so particular.  Lots of things matter to me.  I don’t mind taking it slow to get it right this time around.  I know the magical combination I need to get things going and I am willing to wait for it.

I matched with a few men and shared some text back and forth and two moved to personal text as they both showed merit.  They were both nice looking, well-educated, divorced, older children and employed.  As an added bonus, both were over 6′ tall and liked to travel.  Check, check, check and check.

I met Dan first, last Friday.  He had a very amicable divorce and was only starting to date within the last few months.  He traveled often for work and was starting up his own business.  He dressed to impress, but wasn’t well dressed (yes, this from the fashionista I can be).  He had an easy smile and plenty to talk about.

He arrived to the restaurant first and we were due to meet in the bar.  I was surprised when he secured a table for us and said he would prefer to have dinner.  We had had two phone conversations and the talk flowed easily so I wasn’t especially worried.

He was nice-looking and I was able to wear 5′ heels which is always fun for me.  I knew he was attracted quickly as he had those long appreciative glances, no complaints there!

Dinner and drinks went well, he grew on me as the night moved along.  We were together for quite some time, perhaps almost 4 hours, and there was no break in the conversation or laughter.  He was engaging, but no special sparks.  I knew I was a bit off because I wanted to keep drinking, I think I miss Bennett when I start to have a good time.  Not that it’s a conscious thought per se, just that I assume that’s what’s underneath the way I feel.

Towards the end of dinner he slipped over to my side of the beech and asked if he could kiss me and I complied.  His kisses were gentle with just the right touch of aggression when he put his hand under my hair and pulled my head forward and tightly to his mouth.  I would like to say I felt something other than a good kiss, but I didn’t.

We walked out of the restaurant holding hands and kissed for a bit at the car.  He tried to convince me to leave and go to another bar, but I declined and headed home.

We had agreed to meet again, though scheduling is difficult with his work travel.  This week Chicago and mid next week,  Australia for 2 weeks.  He has stayed in “just enough” contact these last few days, making sure to comment on things he knew I was doing as well as an article he read about my company.  The interest is there.

I’m going to give it another shot, I liked him well enough and perhaps I just  need more time.  There is nothing that went wrong on this date, he was a consummate gentleman and I enjoyed myself.

I just realize I am not over Bennett but have to push myself forward.




The Shallow Pool

In my last post, perhaps I didn’t articulate clearly enough that I am not getting a lot of matches.

It was said, often, in the comments, because I am too picky.

But, its pretty hard to be picky on Bumble.  Since, all you really see, is a 100 word description (if that) and photos.  I have mostly given up on Tinder as it has defaulted to an entirely hook-up driven app since last year.  The quality of men has deteriorated beyond what I have patience for.

Bumble is ok.

I still don’t love POF or Match but will load up a new profile this weekend in any case.

My criteria for speaking to someone one on the Bumble app is easy: some attraction, the appearance of height (I’m a big girl and do not like being bigger than my man, period), and a preference for a white color job if it’s indicated.  I don’t pass  on men because of their jobs, but have yet to find a decent enough man that is a match for me if they are too far off from corporate America.  Generally speaking, that gap tends to make men get fussy fast with the things I like.

For instance, I matched with a seemingly decent man late last week.  He started too soon with a sex comment, I joked it off and he didn’t pursue, seeming to get the hint.  He had a holiday weekend semi-full but wanted to meet me as we don’t live far apart.

He suggested a quick drink on Friday night and asked where I would like to meet so I chose two bars I like in between his town and mine.

Immediately he said those bars were a little too fancy for him and he didn’t want to get dressed to have one drink.  He said he was taking his younger daughter to pizza and wings after 7:30pm and he would be casual dressed.

So here’s where the chasm comes in.

In my humble opinion, casual dress can include a decent button down shirt and shorts.  His opinion of casual dress was a sweatshirt and basketball shorts.  He insinuated we meet at a sports bar.

That’s not my kind of guy.

How do I know?  One: if you are interested in meeting a woman, even its for an hour, you will take the time to look decent, not like you are tossing back beers with your buds.  Two: It’s generally too loud and low class in a sports bar for me, I don’t drink beer or eat wings normally (not to say I never do).  So, that’s how my judgement works.  If you don’t feel it necessary to even attempt to try and impress me a little bit on our first meeting, then you are not for me.

And if you think a sports bar is ok, you are not for me.  It’s not my scene.

It seems that some people feel I am too judgmental about my choices, and that’s why I can’t match.  But what’s the point of matching with anyone who is too different from me?  A man like this will immediately think I am spoiled, rather than just having preferences for things I like.

That’s exactly what happened.  This seemingly nice guy went from pleasant to crazed in a series of perhaps 3 text.

He agreed to meet at one of the bars I chose and then said “I will stand out like a sore thumb in my sweatshirt and basketball shorts.”  So, why agree to this bar if you know how people will dress at this bar?

My reply was, you can still wear a nice shirt and shorts to take your daughter for pizza and wings…and he went off the rails:

It’s Friday and what do you expect me to be wearing?  We are not doing something.  I can promise you I am not wearing a nice shirt.  I’m fitting you in.  You are not my evening activity.  I am not dressing up to go to a pizza place with my daughter in the rain.

Unlike previous years, my response was fast and easy: Block and Delete.

If it was so stressful for him to “fit me in” and “put on a nice shirt” he isn’t the one for me.  Period.  I believe these small behaviors are just indicators of bigger issues behind them.

I’m sure many of you don’t agree, but it’s my date and there’s no point in going out with anyone who doesn’t have some of the qualities I like.  And that sure means: don’t get upset when I want prosecco, oysters and a decent bar.

I can spend time at a sporting event, in a sports bar, or in a grungy bar with the best of them.  But, not often and certainly not for a first date.   Of all the first dates I have had, one thing I have learned for sure: if the guy thinks I am too “uppity” they will be much too similar to my x and I can’t deal with that.

As my son tells me : “You like what you like, yo”  Clearly my little man knows his Momma just likes things the way she likes them.

And so it is.

I keep plugging on.  I have had a few other nice conversations and some potential dates lined up this week.  They seem like nice men and we seem aligned with the things we want in dating.  I realize that the chances of finding a Bennett again may be slim to none, its a rare thing to check off every single box on your desire list (but, so Bennett did).  But I have to start with the things I know work for me.

Meanwhile, I still have some period of tears here and there.  I do feel lonely.  I can’t get my act together fully to not be depressed.  Bennett still sits too much in the forefront of my thoughts.   I’ll get there, it just takes time.

Lack of Entertainment

I spoke to Bennett, nothing changed. He loves me but can’t move forward.  That’s pretty much all there is to say.  No resolve.

I remind myself that I was hurting too often, and even though now I hurt every day, this will pass eventually.

So on to the lack of my dating life.  I have been on and off the dating sites since February.   I came off for good from early April until now, and the break did me good.  I loaded them back up this week.

What a disappointment.

Maybe I am too old – 49 perhaps scares men away and I consistently see men above 50 that just look too damn old.  There are so, so very few men above 50 that look any good to me.  And, I must not appeal to anyone that I find attractive either because I am not getting any worthwhile matches and that’s a first.

My age range is set between 44-54 which is suitable for a 49 year old woman with a much younger appearance and attitude.

I am constantly approached by men 40 and younger and I no longer bother, what’s the point? It makes me realize how much I’ve changed this year – casual sex is no longer appealing to me.  I actually think back to 2014-2015 and wonder how I even had the courage to do what I did!  I don’t regret my escapades, but I no longer have any desire to do any of it again.  It’s definitely out of my system.  Whatever I needed to experiment with, I’m done.

Men who can’t hold an interactive conversation are gone quickly.

Men who start up with the “hey, sexy” are gone even more quickly!

So this is leaving me pretty empty handed and it’s very discouraging.

I wouldn’t mind a nice summer boyfriend (who isn’t married) to go off and have some fun with and enjoy the weekends I don’t have kids.  It seems like it’s gotten much harder in the year I have been out of play.  This time last summer I had plenty of choices and lots of dates lined up.

I don’t feel cynical as much as disappointed and a bit worried about feeling “too old” for all of this.  Have I aged out of the online dating game?  Is a woman approaching 50 just too old for this?





Date 2 | Results: Partial Fail

I met Peter on Match and he was at the high end of my age range at 55 years old.  He had a very nice background and profile and we seemed to have more than enough in common to start a conversation.

He was chatty and well-spoken in text and we connected easily.

Then the red flags started, one at a time and far to obvious.  I should have stopped when the flags started popping up, but I was curious to meet him.  His job was fascinating and he was really engaging.  I figured, at least, he would be entertaining.

He started talking about his vacation after a particular work project had finished and we exchanged thoughts on places we wanted to visit on our bucket lists.  This was fun as we both liked travel and had a lot to discuss.    Soon after he began sending me photos of the location he choose and I “oohed and aahed” appropriately.  Then he said something along the lines that the vacation would be so much better if a romantic partner came along.  While I agreed, I didn’t actually engage.  He tried multiple times to pull me into a conversation about lounging by the pool and lingering mornings in bed and I simply skirted a full-on discussion that would lead to a sexual interpretation.

Then he began to talk about how we could meet in the city and explore hotels together.  While the conversation was fine because that was how we would meet if we should go further, I once again avoided any discussion of the luxury sheets on the bed or room service.

More than once I mentioned to him he had a once track mind and he would say “I meant watching TV together in bed, silly”  He certainly wasn’t aggressive in his commentary or too pushy, but the undercurrent was there and I wasn’t engaging.  It did eventually begin to annoy me that he couldn’t seem to get off the topic and on to something worth discussing.

We were due to meet Friday after work and I had to cancel due to weather conditions.  I actually got the hint he might be mad that I threw a wrench into his plans.  When he said he was disappointed and then I didn’t hear from him for several hours, I just let sleeping dogs lie.  Eventually he came back around with his flirty self and began to ask what my free nights were over the next week.

While the red flags were there, I could handle them and I figured the flirting would be fun if we hit it off.  He seemed ok, holding the sexy talk at bay.

But there was one big indicator I started to realize and by the time I met him in person it was full fledged verified…..he was so self-involved he could care less about me.  He didn’t ask me questions about anything unless they related to him.  Nothing about my children, my job, my friends, my marriage, my life, my interests, nothing.  Only about pop culture, vacation, hotels and restaurants.

In a last minute decision, we chose to meet for brunch on Sunday in the city.  I chose the place and we met.  It was bitter cold and I was bundled up in a heavy coat and thick clothing, far from sexy.  I figured it was a take-it-or-leave-it deal.  If he didn’t like an average weekend look, then so be it.

He didn’t like me the moment he saw me.  I never know exactly what disappoints these men to be honest.  I look exactly like my photos, but I am not a slender woman.  I’m full all around and perhaps that’s what disappoints them.  In any case, I got the message loud and clear, I can usually tell immediately.

Which is fine.  He was older than his photos, and his stated age.  His hands and neck were very crinkly and I would say he was closer to 60 than 55, if not older.  His face was quite handsome and his shoulders broad, so he made a regal appearance.  But, honestly, he just appeared too old for me.  While I realize I am going to be 50 later this year, I have found very few men who fall into the “younger” looking category and perhaps that’s why I prefer younger men.

I also knew exactly which points of our conversation turned him off.  This became a bit of a silly game for me during the date, to mention going to a Depeche Mode concert with my girls in Stockholm produced a look of disgust across his face – why in the world would I want to travel to another country to stand in a loud concert, especially an 80s band?  His fun meter and mine are clearly different.  I got the feeling he was into “I like to rest and relax with my woman” stage, where I am still all about “let’s go out and have fun!” in addition to the rest and relax.

I don’t think that type of behavior is necessarily related strictly to age, but based on my sampling, men around the 50+ age mark just tend to get “old” and that’s sincerely disappointing.

He also was a braggart and this really was something I couldn’t stand.  He dropped names and wanted to impress me.  While I found much of his job interesting, I am also in a field where I am exposed to certain celebrity – so it doesn’t phase me quite so much.  Nor do I brag about it.  I’ve worked for several famous people.  So what.  He bragged about his job, who he worked for, where he lived and how his son is smart enough to go to Cambridge (at 13 years old).  Enough was enough.  I ordered my third Prosecco cocktail at that point!

In any case, the brunch was lovely, we made nice conversation for 2 hours, then a peck on the cheek and goodbye.  His last words to me, after I thanked him for a lovely afternoon, were “Thanks for making the effort.”

Oh, and no complaints from him about picking up the check.

And so, on to the next.  Because the date itself was ok and I didn’t feel like it was a massive wasted of my time, I consider it a partial fail.

In hindsight, I wouldn’t waste time knowing the red flags too early are still red flags worth staying away from.   But, it was good to see that I can identify the things I don’t like in a conversation well-enough to stay away from them now.  In the past, I would be upset letting a man of his caliber get away, even though I knew he wasn’t right for me.

Now, I just don’t care.


50 First Dates | August and September Editions

April: 7 first dates, 2 second dates

May: 3 first dates, 1 second date

June: 5 first dates, 0 second dates

July: 2 first dates, 1 second date

17 dates to get me through those 4 months…. in hindsight, it’s not so bad.

And, I knew August was going to be the month that one of two things would happen: I was going to have no first dates because my limited time was going to mean I could only spend my free time with the men I already knew, or I was going to go crazy those last two weeks of August when I had my kid-free weeks.

So which was it?

No first dates in August….which led into September.

All because of Bennett, frankly.  I just stopped bothering.  I was happy, engaged and in love.  Why bother with dating anyone else?

I will admit to putting both Tinder and Bumble back on this week.  I’m getting ready to transition into a new routine next week and I will be back in the city.  No reason I can’t fill some free nights with dating and ensure I protect my heart in some fashion.


50 First Dates | July Edition

April: 7 first dates, 2 second dates

May: 3 first dates, 1 second date

June: 5 first dates, 0 second dates

3 months and 15 first dates. I had to read the description of a serial-dater to make sure I’m not becoming one!

There are several things going on that make dating difficult right now:

I’m not working, so matching in my city of choice is fuck-all hard. Men get scared they have to cross a river.  I don’t mind being flexible and going into the city for a date but no one even wants to show interest and all these apps tell your GPS location. It’s super frustrating.

I actually had virtually all my free time booked with friends or family in July.  Finding a date night has actually been tough to do.  Strangely enough, I don’t like to be busy every single night, I need some me time!

I think I hit a bit of rock bottom emotionally.  Ambivalence has taken over.

Finally, and admittedly, my hearts not in it.  I think we all get disappointed in trying to date. It’s hard work, no matter how well you do with your choices there is still ultimately some rejection (yours or theirs, doesn’t even matter) and you just get tired of starting over-and-over-and-over.  Am I right?

I’m not complaining exactly, I just feel out of sorts with my life so dating hasn’t been a priority.   While I am somewhat desperate to have great sex, I need that chemistry so badly that random sex actually proves to be harder for me to find than others who have less stringent criteria.  Because my regular dating criteria apply even for causal sex, it makes for slim choices because I’m so darn picky.  And the thought of the round robin of starting over and over and over turns my stomach at the moment.

After July vacation, I made the decision to delete the dating apps and slow down.  This eliminated much hope for 1st dates unless I had a prior connection.

Finnian and I had a bit of falling out, and I have not pursued seeing him again.   I actually feel a tiny bit guilty over this, but it’s the right thing to do.  We have just started talking again this week and I have come entirely clean with him that if he wants to start-up as full friends with utterly no sex, that’s fine.  He needs to think about that and so do I.  Luckily, my time is so limited there is no chance to see him for several weeks ahead.

Ayden had pretty much fallen off the map since our serious conversation and that was ok too. I knew once I approached the elephant in the room that it was most likely over between us, but that wasn’t what happened.  We had two dates in July, felt better connected and the sex was pretty hot, but other issues have arisen that make me wonder if I can sustain much longer with him.

I was hoping the Denver or Boston sexy ones would be back in town for some fun in July, but that’s not how it worked out. I do hear from them both, just checking in.

I also had that one stupid scammer that never amounted to anything.

So, here’s where July nets out:

  1. Bennett (as well as 2nd/3rd/4th dates)
  2. Myles

I really just need a break from the gerbil wheel of on-line dating….my man-bucket is full and I can’t really seem to enjoy what I have enough, so why bother bringing more meaningless men into it?

It still bothers me that I am not having good sex on a consistent basis.  More than I can truly explain.   I know this is partially why I continue to make poor dating decisions.  I really, really, really want to have good, connective sex.  This drive or desire burns at me and it’s one of the few things I still have yet to learn to control.  I am deathly afraid to ever go back to a sexless state, even when it’s only for a short time.  This fear terrorizes me. I feel like it’s one of the last pieces of the puzzle to finally move out of making poor dating choices.  Ayden and Bennett fit squarely into this category.

I cannot quite figure out the sex piece.  My brain is not wired for entirely casual, random sex to fulfill my needs which is, in large part, why I don’t let go of the men I am currently connected to.  I am not interested in Adult  Friend finder or meeting men to have sex with as a one-and-done.  At least, I have finally acknowledged this much about myself.  I don’t need commitment, but I need consistency.

I like that connection that a man provides, and I like the romance……and I want the sex so badly.  I do suspect I am lonely on some level and desire companionship which is the reason that Bennett and Ayden are still in the picture….while I am mostly ok being alone, I like the fact that I get the attention.  I just wish my head was in a better place about all of it.

This week brings a few repeat dates, then the kids and I leave on 2 weeks of vacation.

However, the last 2 weeks of the month I have no kids and not a damn thing to do.  While this sounds great in theory, I have had 12 weeks now of nothing to do, so I was looking forward to doing “something” special those last two weeks.  I wanted to go away on vacation, with someone (could have been a guy or a friend) but somewhere unique and different.  Maybe I set up the scenario in my head and I’m making more of the disappointment than I should.  But I had two kid-free, work-free weeks and the means to do something, and I’m not.  I don’t want to travel alone, there is no joy in that for me, so I’m still contemplating what I can do those weeks.  I’m still debating getting on a plane and just getting myself to Bali, but the thought of doing it alone is more depressing than anything else.  I know people find lots of pleasure in doing this (traveling alone) but I don’t and never have.  I’m gearing up to get ready to be working in September (I have my mind-set of getting a job soon, even if that is unrealistic, it’s the image I am painting for myself so I can focus on the control it delivers) and wanted to have August be a month of new adventures, first with the kids, then for myself.

Meet: Bennett

I haven’t written about Bennett since we met three weeks ago at a failed Tinder date.

One of the reasons I didn’t write is because I don’t know (and I mean really “know“) why I am engaging with Bennett at all.

He’s still married. And living at home.

I can stop the post here because I know how many of you will go straight to “don’t do it again, M”.  So, if that’s your position, no need to read through the ramble below. I’m not going to make excuses for Bennett.  I know this is wrong and I am working through it.

Let me start by saying the only reasons I can truly come up with for entertaining Bennett at all is because he makes me weak emotionally. Not in some sappy head-over-heels way and not with the butterflies.  I see myself 2-2.5 years ago in Bennett and his situation and I feel his pain, pressure and confusion so immensely that it weakens me.

I want to help him. And as crazy and fucked as it sounds, I feel like giving him his fantasy of me for just a little while can somehow help his transition the way it helped mine years ago.    I know the first man I engaged with outside of my marriage brought back a flood of memories (all good and powerful memories) of the person I wanted to be instead of the person I had allowed myself to become.  Long forgotten desires were unearthed.  Frank (my first lover) made me feel sexual, confident and joyous again. Regardless of the outcome of that relationship, I will never forget the gift of realization. Realization that my marriage was over and that I was fully and wholly alive and still a sexual being after many years of being lost and hopeless in every way: romantically, sexually and emotionally.  Frank gave me the keys to my kingdom.  There was no turning back once I tasted the freedoms and power I found with Frank.

In my warped way, I feel like I can help Bennett do the same.

Bennett is also in complete limerence with me and it’s very, very, very hard to ignore this kind of attention. I’ve never been on the other side of limerence when I haven’t felt it myself.  It’s fucking powerful.

Bennett is not the guy for me. I already know this. Even he already knows this.  But right now he is giving me something that I am sorely missing in my apathetic state: emotion. A whole hell of a lot of emotion.   And connectivity. He makes me feel emotionally connected.

The dating Ferris wheel has deprived me of two major things: basic human attachment (that emotional connection) and the simple ability to believe men are (can be) pretty wonderful human beings.  Bennett reminds me how great it feels when a guy is really and truly saying “fuck, yes!” For you.   

It was all good the first few weeks and that was fine, but when it started to go bad and the hairs on my neck stood up because he reminded me so intensely of my X in just one too many familiar ways….well, I don’t know why I didn’t sever ties then other than the reasons described above.

When I’m really, really attracted to someone I can’t wait to write the post about them. The words come tumbling forth and there is a rush to tell the story.  I’ve been sitting on the Bennett saga for weeks. Dreading to face my own music.

So….I know. I know. Get out. Be kind to him. Do the right thing. Don’t waste your precious emotional energy.

Yet here I sit on the fence. Perched and ready to jump off, but I don’t. I just don’t.

I suppose all of this is selfish motivation? Bennett is in love.  Just feeling that intensity again is a reminder of what I had once.   It sort of makes me a little melancholy. It reminds me how I haven’t found someone to truly replace any/all aspects of Bobby for the past 8 months.  I keep telling myself how unfair this is to Bennett but yet I hold on. I don’t like it, but still I do it.

I have found a new form of  mutalation.   This time I’m not stabbing myself in the eye, I’m stabbing him in his.   I suspect it’s going to hurt him pretty badly when I let go.

And I will let go, of this I am entirely certain.

So, I start to write the story of Bennett in dark shadow I am creating behind the brilliant light of his limerence.


After Bennett reached out and the flirt began, I was sure to ask all the right questions.  Eventually, as he gave up more information, I did the appropriate investigation. I knew what I needed to know before I ever met him. I knew he was lying about his living situation yet I went ahead with the first date anyway.

Bennett had told me that he had moved out of his home and was starting his divorce process.  While this was enough to make me put the breaks on, I did believe his situation based on what his friend had told me at the failed date.  However, once I started checking him out on line, I realized he must be lying about living out of his home. The perception on both his and his wife’s Facebook presence leads me to believe he not only lives at home but still lives under the illusion of an intact family.

My motivation for continuing with the first date was far from altruistic. I knew he was smitten, I thought he was cute, and I figured it was a one-and-done and I was horny.  I had nothing to lose, in my opinion.  I wanted to bask in the glow of his adoration for one evening.

We have a fantastic repartee. He is so easy to talk to and he fills all my down time with chatter and calls. He is in constant communication. I fed the limerence and gave him something he hadn’t felt in many, many years – a crush.  I felt treasured and adored in return. While I knew what was happening, I did try to slow him down. Promising that if I didn’t speak to him every few minutes or answer a text or call immediately it didn’t mean I had given up on him, it just meant I was going about life.

But he had that feeling, that feeling that meant he needed to be in constant contact with me just to know I’m there.  The feeling that if you could crawl up inside someone, you would.

I neglected to remember, in those first few weeks, how intensely limerence can hold you captive.  He could no longer breath without thinking of me. I was his first thought upon waking and his last thought before bed. Every moment I consumed him.  And he told me so. He told me all those wonderfully romantic notions of how he world was spinning on its axis around me. He got me to believe, a little, in the power that love is.  He filled the love bucket with many, many Words of Affirmation.

But the grip of limerence was so strong he was also debilitated by it,  meaning his heart was on the line. One wrong move and this house of cards come crashing down.

And that’s exactly what ultimately happened. And I watched most of it like some out of body experience. Not to say it didn’t affect me, it did. But it didn’t hurt me the way it would hurt him.

But back to the story in a more linear fashion.

After our first text conversation, once we started speaking on the phone, Bennett told me he moved out of his home and had been dating. His story was clear enough to believe on the surface, but shaky enough to get me to stalk.

He was so very nervous about meeting me. He kept telling me that no one in the world had affected him the way I had effected him. He insisted he was struck my lightening the moment he saw me across the bar.  I made his heart race and his blood run white hot. He just had to know me. More and more and more about me every day. And every conversation drove him in deeper. He said had I just had a voice like Fran Drescher, or if I wasn’t smart, or if I wasn’t funny he could have, maybe, let it go (and not made initial contact).  But every conversation made my eyes more blue, my lips more full and my smile more broad (his words).

Bennett is a musician with a voice like silk. He is the first person I have ever met where I forget what he looks like when he’s talking or singing to me and he could be “the hottest man on earth” in my sex-addled, dysfunctional brain.  His voice affects me in a way no one else’s has ever gotten under my skin. I could listen to him for hours.

So, I did.

I allowed myself a little fantasy while he was having his.

It was so easy to receive his attention. 

Death of a Salesman

Well there is a first time for everything.

I met a guy on Bumble who seemed genuine enough.  We chatted pleasantly and moved to text.

He claimed he worked for Doctors Without Borders as an Orthopedic surgeon.

We didn’t chat very much for reasons that seemed intact.  I had friends visiting and all my free time was consumed and he was due to be out of the country this past week.  We were arranging a date for the upcoming week.

I suppose if I think about it, I didn’t check his Bumble GPS because I was too busy and it was only a first date.

During the chat over 2 weeks, again, very light chatter, there were some things that started to come up as red flags that I disregarded.  One being, his English wasn’t great and he rarely spoke about himself.  He would pop in and out, always staying in touch, but never really giving away any information, the conversation remain too generalized.

In hindsight, when I went back through my messages, I didn’t give anything away either, other than general responses to his questions.  “How are you?”  was met with “Hi! I’m great – I have friends in town   – how are you?”    It never moved past that.

Until this morning when he sent the following text:

Well, no harm no foul.  I didn’t invest anything into this imaginary Brandon and blocked and deleted him immediately after I sent the last text.

Lesson learned is when I am distracted or I have too many men I am juggling, I obviously didn’t pay close enough attention to him.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

Every once in a while a just my type comes across the dating app.  And then the just my type is also freaking hot-as-hell and horny as all get-out.

That’s when any logical approach on my behalf goes right out the window and I get sucked in because my libido goes into overdrive.  I admit to loving a little sex play, I can’t help it.

It sort of happened in January with Mr. Handsome and we had one great date.  I still hear from him randomly, but have no idea if/when he comes back my way.  He wasn’t especially sexual and didn’t ever cross any lines, so my libido was in check.  I think I was more star-struck with how handsome I thought he was.  I really am a sucker for a certain look in a man, it’s undeniable how that appeals to me on such a base level.

But, in late June, I matched with a guy from Boston that not only had the looks,  height, ambition and intelligence I like, but a rock-solid cut body and a sexy attitude to match.  He lives in Boston on the weekends with his girls, and works in my city during the week.  I checked and double checked, he isn’t married any longer, definitely divorced.

We started with a perfectly normal and intelligent text conversation and he asked me out for when he was in town again.  But, because the texting continued, the conversation ultimately turned and he asked if he could share photos.

Once I saw *most* of his body, I was sunk.  Awesome tattoos as well.  My libido brain took over and I could think of little else but how I wanted to fuck him. I was momentarily distracted by his text and allowed myself to think of being in his bed.

We continued to speak until he arrived in my city and he was unavailable the one night I was available, so it didn’t seem like we could make it happen then.  The more we spoke, the more I could tell he was becoming interested and when he suggested changing his plans around for a different night so he could see me, I agreed.  Then I told him I wouldn’t be staying over and the conversation flip-flopped.

He went back and forth between wanting to see me and wanting me to stay over but I held my ground.  I knew this was only sex, so I wasn’t so fussed about the situation, but I wanted to go home afterwards.  Is he going to be another one of those guys that wants the whole illusion of dating package like Ayden?  I just didn’t want to commit myself to sleeping over because who knew what I was going to think of him anyway.

We also have not spoken on the phone.

I held my ground and offered to come into the city and spend most of the evening, but refused to stay.  He wasn’t especially pressuring me, but he was confusing me and I didn’t want to succumb.  So I missed the chance to see him.  We played a bit more on text that evening and he eventually shared some gorgeous cock shots.  Oh. My. God.

Mind you, I shared no photos.  I told him I wouldn’t sext or share nude photos but he was welcome to do whatever he liked.

The next day he started up with text early and played a game with me.  He sent me photos of various sexual positions and I was to rate them 1-10.  He got a good calibration of what I liked!  We are very in sync with our sexual tastes and desires which is always a turn-on.  I also liked that I didn’t have to talk about sex and what I liked, I simply had to rate the photos.  I think that’s a great tactic!

I heard from him consistently while he was in my city, but now that he is back home I haven’t heard anything.

He’s another one that I do hope to hear from so we can have some fun together, but if it doesn’t come to fruition, that’s ok too.

I laugh a little at myself now when I write these posts.  I can remember, not so long ago, when a guy like this would have me wound up and I would make sure I kept in contact to try to ensure I had the opportunity to see him again.  Or, even when I would lose hope of meeting them, I would continue to waste my time with endless sext sessions.  Now, when I have a real opportunity to meet someone I might be interested in – sexually or for dating – I still invest some time, but don’t waste all my time thinking about them.  If it doesn’t work out with him, there will always be another.  Maybe not another just like him, maybe it will be a long time before another even shows up on my doorstep, but the fact remains that there will certainly be another.  And now that I have finally learned that valuable lesson, these men hold a much lower value in my eyes because I value myself first.

I do think both Boston and Mr. Handsome are worthwhile, assuming they make it back to my city and remain in contact.  Only time will tell, but they were both fun while they lasted.


50 First Dates | June Edition

April: 7 first dates, 2 second dates

May: 3 first dates, 1 second date

Ayden and Finn remain in the picture and I have seen them both a few times.  I don’t really care about keeping count of the repeat dates, we know their story!

Early June turned out busier than I expected.  I spent a minimal amount of time on Tinder.  Bumble is tough because I am not in my city often enough and I prefer not to match where I live (the quality of men is dismal) and after the few incidences I had with the high % matches on OKC, I mostly stopped looking there as nothing ever comes to fruition from that site.

Late June slowed down and I had my first two child free nights at home in months. I didn’t mind the alone time at all and it was a welcome break before the craziness of July starts.

I hate dating in my home city, the quality of men here just isn’t what I want long-term.  I find men in suburbia to be a bit too prosaic for my tastes now.  I know it’s over-generalizing but I have yet to find someone really worth dating here and have 2 friends in the area who also date in the larger city for the same reasons.

So, that brings us to the June tally:

  1. Tinder date 1
  2. Tinder date 2
  3. The Almost Date
  4. The Handsome Guy
  5. Tinder Date 3 (not worth a post)

I was also catfished in June which made for some good laughs!

And, I had sex with my high school friend which doesn’t exactly count as a date, does it?!

When speaking to friends, I thought I was initially making “lots” of bad decisions, but, in fact, only 1 date (Tinder date 1)  was truly a mistake.  The others were vetted properly and just didn’t net out where I wanted them to.

I think what’s starting to happen is that any bad decision is now too much of a bad decision.   I don’t need to waste time on men who have no potential for me.  That potential can be for dating or worthwhile casual sex.

I realize I can now do the “sex-only” dates without becoming attached like I used to. I am much more conscious of the signs and flags along the way (Ayden is a good example). As long as there is some intellectual connection, I can enjoy these experiences now as well.

June’s tally is:

5 1st dates

No 2nd dates (with the new ones, but multiple dates with Finnian and Ayden).