The Big City

I had a lot of anxiety prior to heading into the city this week to meet my friend. Honestly, had she not traveled so far to see me or if she wasn’t so important to me, I think I would have bagged it.

As it turned out, once I got going, I was fine. I had no anxiety once I actually got into the car. Then again, I wasn’t heading into work.

I broke the seal, so to speak. I made it back to my city after a full almost 4 month break. That’s the longest I’ve ever stayed away since college.

My friend and I had a fantastic time and I truly needed the girl time with her. She is one of the smartest woman I know and fully gets me. I just wish she lived closer. I don’t have enough friends like her who are working moms, ambitious, brilliant, sexy and kind. Women who really get where I am coming from and have experienced their own highs and lows. Women whose voice and experience I trust implicitly. I’m not complaining about my friends as I have great ones, I just need more like this.

I had text Rob that I was in the city and he stopped by for a quick drink. He was sort of awkward, didn’t have much to say, so I didn’t mind that he didn’t stay. It was sweet he dropped by, but he’s clearly not social out of his comfort zone. If I reach out to him, he always replies. If I don’t, he usually checks in every few days. I would like more, but I’m not going to get it and I have no desire to push for it.

I did eat too much one evening and won’t be doing that again. I watched my alcohol intake.

I did hear from Tony again last week. He asked about my Christmas tree by text. We had a small back and forth and that’s about it. I don’t especially feel one way or the other, but I do know I have a strong feeling about shutting the door on him. So, it remains open. I was honest about this with my therapist as well.

Honestly, if I can motivate myself to begin an exercise regime I think it would really help me to begin to structure myself again. It will also help getting off the last 20 pounds. I know I need to do this and it seems to be as much of a roadblock as job searching is at the moment.

My plans for the weekend and week ahead include a lot of rest – I am truly exhausted after 2 full days and nights of more activity than I’m used to! Making sure I’ve got all my Christmas presents ready to go and, if not, shop for the last bits. Lots of wrapping. Lots of prep for baking and cooking. Plenty to keep me occupied.

I am mostly in a positive mood, but wouldn’t call myself happy. I still feel quite disconnected from most things and, even though I have happy moments, the feeling doesn’t persist.

My eldest son is home from college and that makes me a bit anxious as he’s the most entitled kid of the three. I plan to remain constant with my rules and boundaries with him. Fingers crossed for that.