Patience: NOT My Virtue

I can’t keep my mouth shut. When something bothers me, I have to say it right away. I try, so hard, to filter and it doesn’t work. I have to get it off my chest.  It a bad habit. One I wish I could overcome for once and for all. 

Some times are better than others and I have a little self control. Other times I’m really good at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.  

I decided that I need to practice. Maybe each time I think I “have” to say something I can write it here.  I try, really try, to think of good advice ASV once gave me: what will you get by saying that? (Or something along those lines).  What’s my expected outcome?   

Does anyone have good pointers on how to do this?  How do you control your emotional thoughts to have a logical conversation?  Or maybe, to have or avoid a conversation?

My dilemma right now is probably obvious: I am very frustrated as the other woman around the holidays even though I knowingly accepted this role. Making things worse are the death of his mother, creating an additional influx of family, friends and gatherings.  Deep down I understand this is no place for me, even if he was a free man,  this is family time.   

Bennett had a very good life. Other than not having a true martial relationship, everything is very good on the outside.  He has built a good life for his family.  I don’t truly see him leaving this life for me. Regardless that he has no intimate relationship with his wife, they are good partners and good parents together.  He plays his part very well.  He said this creates self-loathing within him but I’m not so sure I believe or truly understand that.  When I got to the point that I felt self-loathing, I got out of my relationship.  

I agreed to stay through January. I want to enjoy my time, I just don’t know how to actually do it without losing my patience.  

I’m getting dangerously close but I know there is no point in pressing him. I don’t actually believe he will make a change and I feel I just need to plan my own exit strategy come the New Year. 

But how do I not explode in anger, bitterness or sadness in the meantime?   How do I maintain my patience and composure for the long game?  I have come to keenly realize I am not good at planning long term (in all facets of my life) but very good at short term, tactical response.  How do I focus on my actual goal of self care and self preservation?  

If Bennett and I are meant to be, how do I focus on the result and not the path to get there? 

How do I keep my patience when I’m turning into a boiling kettle? 

I don’t know and I don’t like the angst I am feeling. This isn’t his fault because this was my conscious choice. Just like it’s my choice to make it through the month ahead. Regardless of his actions, I need to have control over mine no matter the outcome. 

I wish I had some kind of secret key to my head!