The Woes of Internet Dating

I’ve been dating on line for going on 5 years. Yikes. I realize I’ve become “one of them.” The people you see online forever and wonder why they are still there. Maybe you should stay away from these people because they are clearly not relationship material? Yup, I bet that’s what some men think of me.

But I’m not here to talk about me. I’m here to entertain myself with some juicy repetitive and hysterical internet dating behaviors.

Some of these behaviors are just a mystery to me.

The idea of internet dating is to put your best foot forward and sell yourself in a few photos and perhaps a short bio. This would leave an intelligent person to believe that photos should be recent, clear and single person head shots.

Nope.

You get alllll kinds of awful first photos. Photos of old photos already framed (dudes we can see the reflection, we know). Photos so grainy it tells us either you are hiding something or you don’t know how to take a photo (hello 2019). Group photos where we don’t know which one is you but there is that one really good looking guy (turns out, it’s never you). Photos of your kids. This one really, really disturbs me. I understand your a family man, but I’m not dating the kids. I actually don’t even think it’s acceptable to put young children/teens on any dating site, never mind photos of just the kids without you. Just weird. But, I think my all time favorite photos are the college photos, or perhaps your all time favorite photo of yourself from 20-30 years ago.

Why?

Just why?

I don’t care how good looking you are 20 years ago when I’m dating you today. I want to see a clear photo of you TODAY.

Some examples:

Next up, filters. Ok, everyone uses them today to tweak a photo and I bet women are even more notorious for it then men. But, generally speaking, when a man does it he has no idea how to use the filter and virtually eliminates all signs of aging and makes himself look like a portrait.

Case in point:

The angry man. They actually don’t belong in online dating anymore. They’ve had enough and probably need a break because writing out your obvious displeasure with previous dates makes everyone else NOT want to date you.

And it’s not that we haven’t all been through some bad dates, but the point is: best foot forward. Who will you attract by being negative first?

Grammar and spelling. Yes. It’s a big deal. Use it.

I also always believe that the ones who write “no drama” are clearly the ones who attract the most drama.

You know how I feel about a man taking care of a bill on the first date. I am not an equal opportunity dater, and I never will be, period. But this guy advertises his displeasure. He also doesn’t really want to leave his house – so cheap and boring?

This is just funny but it happens – check your photos boys – you never know what’s in the background. Lots of men don’t crop out the old girlfriends hands etc. This ones for giggles:

If you do decide to write to someone, maybe try not to lead with sex? This is one of the creepier notes I’ve gotten and it’s even creepier because it’s so serious:

Politics. I bet I can write an entire post and there will be some that ONLY read this part. I’m moderate leaning towards conservative. But because I live in a metro city I’m surrounded by very, very loud and outspoken liberals. Which pretty much means that anything I think or feel is wrong. Period. It’s reverse discrimination here. I don’t think it belongs in a dating profile – it’s fine if you say liberal, conservative, middle-of-the-road, But there is no need to start with all the angry Trump terms. It’s a turn off. Even to the liberal women I know. It’s rampant here because it’s become so divisive. These particular ones speak to Trump directly which is different than the ones that state “no conservatives” (couldn’t find any of those today). It’s making the conservatives now write “no socialists”. Just ugh. My point is, leave the politics to a discussion.

Now, my all time favorite thing to see in a post is: I don’t live in my mother’s basement. For those of you who know, my x is moving in with his mother (into the same time) shortly. While I understand his reasons, it disgusts me and just reminds me how glad I am to be away from him. He has learned to justify his lack of drive in every way possible, but this takes the cake. What kind of example are you setting for your children?

To prove my point (to myself), I started collecting profiles that stated something about living at home – it’s clearly a “thing” as I’ve collected dozens. Men don’t respect other men who live in their Moms basement, no matter what the reason. My guess is other women don’t respect it either if the men feel so compelled to write it in a profile.

Honestly, this is just more entertainment than anything else. I don’t contact or interact with these men because, in my opinion, something is off if they feel the need to do/say these things. I feel like they have a chip on their shoulder.

My first impression needs to be: are you attractive to me? Are you taller than me? Is there something in your profile I can identify with? Basic matching criteria. If I’m dating you and you want to show me your college photos and tell a story, that’s great. If we speak and you want to tell me your an invested father, and talk about your kids, that’s great.

But guys, please, let’s stop trying to fool everyone.

There are plenty of good profiles that don’t have to be pages long, just enough to spark interest:

So Many Men….So Much Time!

I’m going to take KDaddys advice (from several posts ago!) and try very hard to start focusing on what’s in front of me (a new relationship) instead of obsessing over Tony.

So, I started to think about dating this time around.

I recall when I started my first blog in early 2014, when I was entering my separation stage and starting to go on first dates, that I never really logged my first dates. I was better a talking the sex romp stories. But that’s where my head was at the time!

I wish I counted or captured all the dates before I deleted that blog. I hadn’t slept with many men before marriage, but I made up for all of in the two years before I met Tony!

Now that I’m in a very different phase of life, I decided I should keep a list of my first dates – I feel like I go on so many of them. I probably have double or triple the amount of phone and text conversations before a date is even made. Now I entirely understand why divorced people say dating is such hard work. Knowing what you want and sticking to your choices is tough. But anything else is a waste of time.

Here’s a quick recap of the first dates I’ve been on since I opened up the apps last November.

1. Rob (6’4″) – November/December

2. Brian – January

3. Joe – January

4. Jack – January

5. Matthew – January/February

6. Anthony – February

7. Greg – February

8. Jack2 – February

9. Craig – March

10. Duke – April

11. August – April

Here we are just about to face the first week of May and, as I look at my list above, I don’t think it’s too bad. Some days it feels like more than it is – first dates over and over can get exhausting – but I had a flurry of activity after the New Year and have slowed down to a more reasonable 2 dates a month. Maybe slow and steady wins the race or maybe I’m just over the same thing time after time. Either way, I plan to keep track go forward since I didn’t do that in my first blog!

I think I’m doing better overall with my choices. I don’t feel in any rush to jump into dates just to keep busy – and I have a hella lot of time to fill! I try to reflect on my dates each time and see what I can take forward.  I think I am better at evaluating what is worth my time and energy and where I want to invest.

I absolutely feel differently about dating this time around. It doesn’t feel as frivolous as before which probably has some good and not-so-good aspects to it. I think I’ve matured as far as dating goes and become a little bit more open-minded.

Part of the fun goes away when you stop being frivolous and start focusing on real relationship material.  It’s probably also what turns some guys off to me as well, but if a man can’t say “I am also looking to have a relationship” and instead says “I wills hat happens” it only indicates to me he really isn’t thinking about long term.

I do know I don’t want to be alone, and perhaps, during this more quiet time in my life, I will be better able to evaluate the must-haves from my long list of relationship requirements.

Girl Code 3

I figured I should wrap up this story.

I admit I didn’t tell him as quickly as I should have – that I wasn’t going to interact with him. I admit there was that part of me that liked the attention and chase etc.

But at some point Saturday he sent another “can’t wait for kissing and cocktails” and I had to be clear.

I wrote back that I would be telling my friend the truth, I wasn’t comfortable and this didn’t feel right to me and was sorry I didn’t have the chance to meet him.

I didn’t text my friend until a day later. I knew there was going to be a little drama, and I wasn’t in the frame of mind to deal with it. I did tell my friend and we spoke about it. She was quite upset by how much he had shared with me about himself, and how it had taken her so long to know some of those things and they were in relationship.

I didn’t mention the BDSM stuff because that’s my private business. If I told her what he shared I would also be revealing that side of me. Very few of my off blog friends know any of the depth of my sexuality. I also think it’s the reason he communicated as much as he did, because he knows how a D/s relationship works and I feel he was working that avenue with me even though he said he wasn’t.

She was primarily upset he glossed over her and still asked me out knowing we were friends. Should I have lied more? I tried to give her as much as I know I would want. She’s similar to be albeit less crazy, but obsesses the same way I do.

She was also very bothered that I saw him for who he was in our first conversations (before I knew who he was). To me, he was clearly a narcissist. I barely got a word in over 2 hours of conversation. She was upset that she didn’t see it and spent the night studying up on narcissism.

I wrote to him to say I spoke to my friend and wouldn’t be contacting him again, good luck. I also told my friend I wrote that message. Some time in the middle of the night he text back saying he was curious how our conversion went and if things were ok between us. I sent the message to my friend and then blocked him.

She didn’t want me to block him, but I said I didn’t want to be in the middle of curating replies to him just to get a reaction. If he’s a true narcissist – which I certainly believe he is – he’s already bothered that I don’t see him in a good light and he would continue to pursue intermittently in hopes of interaction.

I’m good at shit like that but trying my hardest to stop creating more bad karma for myself.

He’s blocked. I’m done. Thank you, next.

Girl Code 2

As it turns out, I knew a LOT about this man and my friend. They had dated on and off for years. She wanted him to be the one. She’s still not over him. Believe me, when you know a friend for a long time and the primary conversations you share are about dating, it takes a bit of time to start adding up just how much I knew.

I remember how she fell for him. I remember all the great sex and laughter. I remember how she could never understand why he didn’t commit. I remember when she was surprised to find out he had been dating other women (clear denial there on her part). And I remember when he finally said he wanted to give it a try and he exclusive and she took that a step further and started talking about blending families. When a non-committal man finally moves into the first stage of commitment, that’s a big step. But she wanted it ALL from him. He wasn’t ready or invested in taking their relationship that far.

I surmised along the way she was pushing him, like I said I know her M.O. He really is a prize in all seriousness. I can see why he liked this friend as well as why he didn’t commit to this woman.

The bottom line is he owed her nothing, but did I?

I had to think about the girl code. It’s not right to date someone’s ex unless that someone gives you license to do so. If one of my friends dated Tony I would be out of my mind with jealousy – particularly when I’m not over him.

All these thoughts went through my mind once I identified who he definitely was…and I had to pause. Do I rush off phone, do I chat some more, what even seems right at this moment? The brain works super fast and it takes longer to write these thoughts than think them.

We ended up speaking a bit more and I had to excuse myself.

As I stood up, fast, I walloped my head on a low hanging corner of our basement ceiling and I saw stars and tweetie birds and fell right the hell back down on my ass. Holy mother of God that hurt. I actually winced from pain when I touched it. I think I concussed myself as I was not hungry and nauseous the rest of the evening.

I took it as a clear sign – danger Will Robinson! Do NOT proceed.

I didn’t think of him again that evening. I passed out in pain by 9pm. Luckily, no real damage and I had a good nights sleep and woke with a nice fat raspberry on my head. Doh!

He had text last night and again early this morning. He wanted to meet me. We flirted a bit more.

I had an appt today and we had snow so I was relatively haphazard with my replies and not especially engaged. He sent photos of all his BDSM toys. He told me my friend never knew that side of him and we had covered more ground in our first conversations that they had in years. We made an agreement at that point never to discuss this with the friend. Ever.

First lie.

It was starting to feel all wrong. Not just because of my friend (mostly, though) but because he wasn’t right for me. This friend is not a top 10 friend, which is why I pause at all. We have a commonality and have known each other through our x husbands (the x husbands are best friends, so I’ve known her 24 years or so). I didn’t like her until we were both post divorce and found our own friendship in the last 2 years or so. She’s a good going out friend.

In other words, do I like her enough to care what she thinks of this guy turned out to be “the” guy for me?

There’s no way of knowing so soon. He definitely has me on a hook. I’m interested.

And when I thought about how I would feel if the tables are turned, I realized I probably couldn’t do it. I’ve done enough crap to generate bad karma lately and I don’t need to make more bad karma come my way.

I can’t decide if I tell him on the phone or in text, but I didn’t get to it yet. Either way, no matter how interesting and exciting I find him, he needs to be out in the rear view.

I better get to it before I give in to meeting him. Every step forward is a step in the wrong direction. The problem here is that the people I’ve told know I don’t truly “care” about this friend. She’s a fun social friend. So everyone is on the fence to say “why not?”

Hopefully today brings me the right energy to just text and say thanks but no thanks. I don’t know this man and it doesn’t matter. I’m making a whole story in my head over thing and it’s a skill I’ve refined that needs to stop.

Girl Code

So my dating hiatus was up, I turned back on the apps and met someone cool pretty quickly.

We hit it off on the app, moved to text and the banter was flying. We agreed to a chat the next day.

He called me on the phone and we were off to the races. The conversation never slowed and my heart was racing….but this was primarily because he was SO high energy. Honestly, I started to think after the first hour of conversation I wouldn’t be able to keep up with him!

First of all, he was just about perfect on paper…but as he described himself and his life I can easily see how women would swoon over him.

He was a Dom in a previous period in his life. Before he even told me that, I knew. All the cues and signals were there. If you’re looking to be a sub, you would be thrilled with this guy. In my opinion, he knew his stuff. Thanks to the WordPress Community, I have read and learned enough about D/s relationships to understand what he was saying on a deeper level. He was clearly aware this type of history could scare a woman away so was careful in his wording, but I saw it for what it was.

A sort of strange thing happened – I felt myself disengaging from the conversation – I had been very interested in him, but knew I no longer sought a D/s relationship (had my experiences with that, took what I needed and moved on!). I didn’t feel he was trying to convince me, or even think that’s what he was looking for, but I need to be clear I wasn’t interested in the whole dynamic (he was explaining himself too much) so I interjected “I’m not the sub for you” with a short explanation….thinking , ok that’s the end of this guy….and actually got back a laugh!

That caught me off guard. But what caught me even more was his subsequent description of what I was really looking for in a dominant man. He hit my own description of myself on the head. I really wondered if he read my blog?! He totally gets what I needed from a relationship based on motherhood/work/previous relationships and I was floored. That was a first. Even Tony never understood what I meant by “dominant” even though he acted that way in relationship. “Take charge” could be more apropos but I have always used dominant because, somewhere in there, I like some of the kink that comes with D/s sexual play.

Once I said that the conversation took off (totally unexpected, thought I killed it for sure). At this point I looked at my phone because my ear pods died and realized we had been on the phone 1.5 hours. These long phone conversations are an investment on my part – I’ve done a few of them now and I love learning about people and it makes me eager for the date – but none have come to fruition. The thought occurred to me I may need to change this.

He kept talking. He’s a VERY high-powered and well-known executive. He’s super wealthy. Highly intelligent. Does the TED talks circuit. I was truly impressed with this man. Like, I want to meet you just to listen to you because I can probably learn soooo much from you.

But could I date you?

Interspersed with my thinking I’m not good enough to keep up with this guy, the jokes and laughter kept coming, interesting topics kept arising and we continued to speak. I did want to meet him but felt like I was never going to get over “I’m not good enough” coupled with “I can’t keep up”. He didn’t seem to think that – he kept telling me he liked our conversation and couldn’t believe how quickly time passed and how engaged he was. I felt, honestly, graced by the comment. “You like me? You really, really like me?”

Wow. Talk about inner turmoil.

And then, a funny thing happened on the way to planning the date, I mentioned a local friend. I described her as living close, similar age, two kids and divorced and owns her own business. He asked if it was a specific business in a specific town. Then he asked if I knew my friend by name.

Oh shit.

You’re THAT GUY.

You’re the guy this friend of mine has been desperately in love with for years. NOW I KNOW WHY. knowing this friend as I do, knowing her M.O. and personality, OMG, no wonder she’s held out for YOU – you were the cherry on top of her life and there was no way she was letting you slip away (for some of all the wrong reasons).

I felt the dawn of realization start in my brain like a physical sensation as all those thoughts raced through in millisecond succession. Then it went down my throat and landed in my stomach like a bad burritos needing to work its way back up and out.

But I liked you so much.

The phone had gone silent for what seemed like a minute as all this processed.

I blurted out loud “YOU’RE THAT GUY” (Actually his name, but not adding that in this post)

He didn’t even know what to say and that’s something considering the rapid pace at which he had been speaking.

We went through a couple of “wows” and talked about it a bit. He explained from his end, and his explanation matched what she told me, albeit through a different filter, and a filter that made much more sense to me knowing how she responds to situations. I’m not sure if ever perceived himself at being her “prize” but he wasn’t ready to build a life with her which is what she so desperately wanted from him.

To be continued….