I truly am having a hard time writing about this breakup. The words flowed so easily after Dan (R) and Bobby. The emotions gushed like a geyser from the depths of heartbreak, but not this time. This time is something very different, I feel cold, sort of mean, and maybe more angry? It seems like all my feelings are out of order and I can’t actually gather my thoughts.
Honestly, I feel dead inside, which is way worse than feeling the pain of heartbreak. Every day that passes it feels like something is closer to snapping and breaking for good.
He wouldn’t say goodbye, he says he can’t live without me. I was crying and said I would miss him.
I drank myself to sleep through periods of heavy tears but had no desire to reach out to him. I found that to be interesting that I didn’t feel that kind of desperation, just overwhelming sadness.
Saturday (day 1)
I was surprised / not surprised there was no goodnight or good morning text. He said he understood I needed to say goodbye, and I see he understood my request for no contact.
I was so tired and depressed I could barely get out of bed. But I did. Had my hair done and met a friend for dinner.
I got so drunk, really drunk. But we didn’t even talk about him all night. I told the story and we moved on. I was surprised I didn’t need to dwell on it.
Getting that drunk was a massive mistake because I made myself sick. Not a fun night. But, good to get out for so many hours today. Thank goodness the day passed so quickly.
Sunday (day 2)
Friends checked on me which was nice. Other than being sick most of the morning I was doing ok. I found a series to binge watch and that kept me engaged all day in a dark living room.
I occasionally wondered if the ping in the phone was him but found my heart didn’t drop as I expected when it wasn’t him either. I guess I don’t really expect to hear from him?
I’m sort of surprised he hasn’t contacted me by now. I think? I’m not really sure what I feel. This absence is weird. Almost 7 months of speaking to him more than any other person in my life and now silence. It’s so strange. I sincerely feel like I am missing a limb right now.
I’m also more mad than I had been. All those words and declarations of love, all meaningless ultimately. I do believe that if he loved me the way he said he did, then he would be able to find a way to be with me. And if he doesn’t, he must not be the man I thought he was. I am questioning everything right now.
Still some periods of tears. Not terrible. A clear understanding that I am much better coping through this breakup. Knowing I will come of it stronger does somehow help…not sure I could understand that last year. My belief that he truly believed how much he loved me helps. I know he believes we can be together one day, but he won’t change and he will convince himself that it’s all just too difficult to change his life.
I imagine his life just going on as normal, maybe more than mine. He is clearly better at compartmentalizing than I am. That sort of makes me mad too. It’s not a real mad, I’m still too sad to be angry.
Actually, to be honest, I’m going to bed more baffled than anything else. Did I expect he truly meant he couldn’t live without me? Ha. Imagine that. Maybe I do allow myself more hope than I should. Everything just feels off kilter without him connected to me every minute of my day.
Monday (day 3)
Still off kilter and feeling empty, plus my period made an unexpected early appearance this morning and made a mess. Just feeling disconnected and lethargic. Found and app to download our text so I can save them and get them off my phone so I don’t go down the path of looking back too frequently. Still a bit in disbelief he hasn’t contacted me at all.
Rightly or wrongly it really makes me wonder if he is hurting being apart from me as much as he said he would.
I wonder most about all the things he said about me, about us, about being in love and I am trying to reconcile those things to his absence. That’s the worst, knowing it’s gone, he’s gone. He gave me so much peace deep inside, I never felt such a depth of love from anyone since I was 17 years old (and what do you know of true love then?) When I was anxious or worried, he calmed me and I fear having to be without him.
I’m not afraid of being alone, now I am afraid of being without him. That seems significantly different to me.
Why don’t I feel the need to reach out like I have in the past?
I also slept through the nightly relatively soundly. What scares me most about this absence of emotion is that it’s so different from my past experiences….I do worry that I am burying something deep down.
I worry I am simply a simmering volcano.
Do I believe that somewhere, deep down, he will call, send a song, tell me how miserable he is without me? Or am I too afraid not to know how he feels in order to reinforce my own feelings?
Tuesday (day 4)
Happy to be heading back to work and a very busy work week ahead. I made dinner plans for every single night this week to ensure my mind is off of him as much as possible and I have no reason to be reaching out to him.
I woke up confused that it’s been 4 days since I’ve heard from him. I can’t knock the feeling of literally losing a piece of myself. I’m miserable, but able to function. One step at a time I keep telling myself.
My friends who know say I’m strangely accepting and calm, but think it’s a weird kid if calm. I agree. I feel weird.
I’m too busy at work to think let alone be emotional. I have a lot of work, more than I can handle and it’s no joke to find every ounce of strength to prioritize. I look for text from him but don’t have time to dwell.
I did need a break at lunch so quickly stepped out with a friend and was able to talk through it with her. She doesn’t think it’s over. She’s met Bennett and thinks he is waiting for me to reach out first.
Dinner with a Long lost friend and lots of alcohol gets me through the rest of the night. The laughter was wonderful and there was no trace of discussion about him.
Tomorrow is another massive day at work and I like the utter exhaustion right now.
Work doesn’t allow me much reprieve and is a massive help for me. My only concern is my exhaustion: from a heavy period and restlessness related to him. I still feel numb and empty…not much else. I keep turning over in my head “how could you say all those things to me?” But saying and acting, we know, are two different things.
He said that maybe this was the kick in the ass he needed.
Wednesday (day 5)
I recall when I could barely get through the days of no contact, and not that these are slipping by all that quickly, but I’m not drowning in sorrow because I have so much work in my head there’s little room for anything else. I am forcing myself to take a mental break to write.
I suppose I wonder more than anything what’s going through his head. Does he feel the pain of absence? Is he distracted? Is it obvious or is he able to manage easily enough? Or is it just relief, knowing he wasn’t going to do what he promised me in any case?
Some friends think he’s waiting me out, to see who buckles first. I’m trying to stay overwhelmingly busy this week but it’s taking it’s toll on me since I’m no spring chicken any more! lol. I am really tired, my period is excessively heavy and I can feel exhaustion creeping into my bones.
I take the time to think about how I would feel if I heard his voice right now, or held his hand, or kissed him and the emotion is unidentifiable. What’s the point if nothing can change?
And…..just like that the phone rings and he leaves a message. And then later, another. I wasn’t around to answer either call at work but I did text him to let him know I received them.
So, 5 days of no contact and while I admit my heart jumped at the Sound of his voice, my resolve hasn’t changed.
I think I’ve come a long way.