Trixie Gets Hysterical

I have done something very bad, and if I were hearing this story from me I wouldn’t believe it either.

I admit, last week I had reached an emotional breaking point regarding Bennett.  I hadn’t spoken to him in a while and the last we spoke, we argued over nothing….or better put, I argued with him over nothing and got myself very wound up.

Much too wound up.  Enough to make myself sick for days.

I had been battling a stomach bug, but getting entirely panicked and anxious only exacerbated my symptoms.  By Wednesday night I was vomiting anything that I put in my body.  If I wasn’t vomiting, I had diarrhea.  Sometimes, I had both at once.  It was not pretty.

I made the mistake of letting my misery take control.  I called Bennett in the middle of the night.

On a landline, at his lake home, while he was with his brother.

There was some logic here, as irrational as it may have been.  I figured he was staying the night, I know there is no cell service, and his brother knows all about me.  I thought he would be mildly upset.

I was way, way wrong.

Not only was his brother with him, but so was his niece and nephew.  The problem with this was that by the time I called him, I was full on hysterical and there was no calming me down.  I should have taken two ambien and knocked myself into sleep, it would have been the right decision.   But I didn’t make a good decision. I was sobbing like a maniac.  I had no pride and no self-control.

The conversation turned ugly.  Every time he tried to calm me down I felt like I was being chastised.  Or, I felt like he was more worried about getting me off the phone because his niece and nephew would wonder wtf was going on in the middle of the night.  Nothing helped and I could only continue to sob.  Until he told me to “calm down and shut the fuck up.”

That did stop me in my tracks.  I have never, ever heard him with any tone of voice directed at me.  I had clearly pushed him beyond his ability to control himself.

I hung up the phone and instantly regretted it.  We got off the phone around 12:30, by 12:42 I called the number over and over thinking he would have to answer.  I tried his face time.  I pressed the buttons on my phone in a frenzy.

Until I pressed the wrong one.

Months ago, Bennett and I were having a conversation about his wife getting phone calls and text from numbers he didn’t know.  We spent some time digging on line to discover who the calls were from.   During that time, I said “let me check your wife’e number.”  He  gave it to me and I saved it.  (Point to note: Bennett claims this never happened and I somehow got his wife’s number another way).

I saved her number because I clearly had ill intent….what other reason could there be.  There is none, it must be why I saved it.  I saved it under his number and not a separate entry.  His name houses 6 different phone numbers.  Hers was the last one and it simply said “other.”  In m y hysteria, as I was pressing his number over and over, I must have pressed hers.  I didn’t realize I pressed it because the name on the phone contact is his.

When the phone was answered, it was pitch dark (on my end too) and I thought it was him so I said “oh can you talk now?”  When a woman’s voice replied that I had the wrong number, I replied “No, I most certainly do not have the wrong number (I could see his name on my phone screen – I know I didn’t dial the wrong number!) and then I said “please put your Uncle on!”  I think she said, “you have the wrong number because my Uncle isn’t here with me” and hung up on me.

Thinking it was his niece with his phone and now being mad on top of hysterical, I dialed back.  This time I think she asked me who I was looking for and I believe I said “Bennett” and she said “he’s not here”  (things start to get fuzzy now because I  believe I started to realize I was speaking to his wife and not his niece).  I replied “yes, he is, he is in xxxx, city!” and when she asked who I was I replied “his girlfriend.”  At which point she said something like this is his wife and hung up.

I passed out on my back deck from disbelief and exhaustion.  Sometime later I woke up and made it into my house and into bed.

At 7:30 am a phone call from “No Called ID” came through.  I suppose I knew in the back of my mind that it was her, and not him, but I convinced myself it was him calling from the lake house.    As soon as I said hello she hung up.

I received a text from him some minutes later “M – you called Callie?”

There were a few more calls that day from unidentified numbers, which I didn’t answer.  He asked me not to speak to her should she call.  I separated out her phone number and blocked it.  Some other numbers came through and I gave them to him and it turns out she asked her children to also call the number, believing it was a foolish prank, and I blocked them as well.  My voice mail is a generic greeting.

He had a long drive home from the lake house and spoke to me for a couple hours.  He was strangely calm and seemed much more worried about how upset I was.

I was sick through Thursday and and Friday, still vomiting, but I think more from the virus than the anxiety at this point.

Saturday I left to the city to spend with a good friend and Bennett and I only had generic text Saturday and Sunday.

He told me Sunday night he was in a very bad way and worried about losing his job in the morning.  When he said he was horribly distraught, I assumed he meant his job, but it wasn’t.  He had started to believe I was intentionally malicious and was getting himself sick over the situation he had placed himself and his family in.

I spoke to him Monday morning after he spoke to his boss, to find out there would be lay-offs, but his role was not at risk.  He called me soon after and the conversation started out with blame, and believing I had been intentional in the phone call.  I understand why he wouldn’t believe me.  If it was me hearing this story, I don’t think I would believe me.

And then,  seemingly out of nowhere, he utterly broke down.  I listened.  I have never heard a man break down like this, it was horrible.  I didn’t know what to do except to listen.  Now I think I understand what he was experiencing with me when I was sobbing to him on Wednesday.

It stopped me in my tracks.

I think between the stress of our break-up, my phone call and his worry over his job he just had a nervous break.  He told me he had been sobbing like this all weekend.  He is a wreck.

I know at one point when I was mad that I told him I wish he hurt like I hurt – then he would finally understand me.  I know now, beyond a shadow of doubt, that he does hurt like I do, maybe worse because he is potentially harming his family.  I’m sorry I uttered those words aloud.

I’m sorry I don’t have the patience to control myself and my mouth when I have something on my mind.  I haven’t fully grasped how to control my emotional outbursts.  I haven’t learned that once said things cannot be unsaid and you need to roll things around on your tongue and taste them before spitting them out.  I haven’t learned.

And I am so disappointed in myself.

I am disappointed that I broke the man I love.  If I really loved him, would I have pushed him to this point?  What kind of person am I?

Why did I save her number all that time ago?  To cause intentional harm?

If I really loved him, why would I allow us both to stay in this horrible situation?

I am so upset with myself for allowing all of this to happen.  Mostly for hurting him.  I never want to hear that pain in his voice again.

When he was crying, all he could really say was that he never wanted to hurt me, that he let all of it get out of hand and go on too long, and that he was so very, very wrong for doing what he’s been doing to a woman who, despite being a poor partner and wife, doesn’t deserve what he’s done to her.  He was ashamed that she may find out this way that he has been cheating on her.  As I just typed this I realize that was the emotion coming across to me: shame.  He was horrified at the man he had become and just realized who he really was, and not who he pretended to be.

It was horrid to listen to his realization.

As I write this last line I know things are over for good, he needs to be away from me to repair what he can, as best he can.  He deserves that from me.

And I have to find the ability to control myself so I don’t end up harming myself again and end up in the hospital.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Reality of our Actions | Thank You Ferns

One thing I love about blogging is the ability for a perfect stranger to say something that resonates so deeply within me that I can’t stop thinking about it.

Ferns did it yesterday.

Her comment hit me in such a way that it unlocked something I wasn’t able to get to myself, something that I know can help me heal.

Why was it that comment and not a thousand before, I don’t know.  She’s a better writer than I am so maybe it’s the words themselves that just seem to speak to me.  Either way, I can’t thank you enough Ferns.  And, it isn’t the first time you’ve popped in a smacked me upside my head to get me thinking differently.

Here’s  the comment:

“It’s easy to talk about leaving someone. Especially when you are giddy with the kind of high emotion that you’ve forgotten you were capable of. But when the person you are talking about leaving is someone you still love and care for and respect (this vs someone with whom everything is irrevocably ugly-broken), there is a reality there that is going to smack you in the face when you pull the trigger.

Saying the words out loud to someone with whom you have a powerful history, a shared and not-terrible life, a genuine and deep affection, and watching their heart break is a reality that most do not imagine. And if this person you still love takes even one step towards you, you will grab at it because it is awful-terrible to break someone’s heart and then turn away when they beg to try and mend what is broken. People who have lost their way are never closer, more honest, more real than when they are about to lose something they have taken for granted and forgotten about. It brings the value of it into high relief.

So unless it’s screaming fights and dead emotions, people will always try to rekindle those embers because memory is deep and strong and saying ‘no, not interested in trying to fix this’ to a long term partner whose heart you’ve just broken is not something most people will do or *want* to do.

The people who leave their relationships are the ones who have tried and tried and tried, who have had endless conversations and fights about it, who have genuinely concluded that there is nothing left, who have reached the end of their tether. Bennett is at step one in this process. Whether their reboot works out or not has nothing to do with you, and as you’ve said previously, nor should it.

All that to say: You are enough. You are just choosing the wrong men. You should stop doing that (sorry, made myself laugh, but man, you had the chance to get out as soon as you realised he was married, you didn’t even like him that much back then, were ambivalent, so yeah, learn a lesson, woman!).

Ferns”

Does her comment make my situation or feeling of loss any different?  No, of course not.  I just made me see things differently.

I really hated my x by the time we broke,  I had so much pain, resentment and emotional distress.  I tried everything to fix it and couldn’t.  There was so much fighting (and still is today).  I loved him deeply for so many years and I couldn’t let go of that love for so many years and kept trying and trying until finally something snapped in half and was irrevocably broken.  Ferns words “ugly-broken” just resonated in a way I can’t actually explain.

That has never happened to Bennett.  They don’t fight.  They had a young romance that blossomed into a family and eventually fell flat as many relationships do, but it wasn’t because they disliked one another, they just didn’t care to try any harder or perhaps didn’t’ know how.  There is much responsibility on both sides.

Bennett has said this to me many times “I know it would be easier if I hates her or we fought, but we don’t.”  They just ignored one another as lovers.  He gave up on her when he thought she cheated on him (if she did or not is debatable) and he stopped investing emotionally.

He always said he was absolutely certain when he married her.  He believed he would be married to one person forever (like his parents, though his Dad died young).  He wanted to emulate the perfect family that he felt he was raised in, and he did a really good job of starting out that way.  They just couldn’t sustain his picture perfect image of the romance and emotional connection.  They never had it then, so when he met me and realized I could give it to him, I think he was so far disconnected from at that point that he began to build our future in his head.  He had sustained the romance and emotional part of their marriage, it was never her strong suit, and then he gave up trying and maybe she never knew how once he stopped.  I was the same as him in the way I invest emotionally.

When I met Bennett, he was crushed under the weight of his perceived failure and his mothers impending death.  He felt no one understood him (claims he tried many times to speak to his wife, but she is never tuned in to him – and I get the impression that she’s not horribly bright but an extremely kind and gentle soul).

I do believe it’s possible he is my twin flame or my soulmate because of very distinct similarities.  There are just not that many people in this world that you can be so completely aligned with emotionally.  Regardless of if he is meant to be in my life long term, what we had was unusual and special, a connection unlike any other I have ever had in my life.

But, I now see you can (maybe) live without that connection if you can have many other things that you hold dear…and I think Ferns hit the nail on the head when that reality struck, when the words came out of his mouth, he could not actually break her.  And why should he, when she was begging him to fix it.  He suddenly saw their whole life in front of him and I strongly believe, was pulled back by the notion he wants to have that perfect marriage and family, and wants it so desperately why wouldn’t he try to make it work again.  I understand all that in writing, in theory, but my heart is unable to accept that he would want to live without the ultimate connection.

I also think Ferns is right in saying that when the worst happens, you are at your most open, more real, more honest….I got the impression that he saw that within his wife and needed to do the same for himself – be real.  I know from our last conversation a week ago that they were trying to understand how they got to such a broken place.  If two people can talk through those high emotions without fighting, and be accountable for their actions, it would require focus.  I think he must be giving her that focus now, and he can’t distort it to me.  I can understand that, even if I don’t like it because he promised me that he was never going back to his marriage.

I realize I am rehashing most of what I have already said, but, writing through trauma has always helped me sort myself out and it keeps me from writing to him.

We have “broken-up” three times now.  Each time hurt.  But this time feels very different to me.  The other times we broke and I knew he was in pain from parting from me, I knew how deeply he loved me and how hard it was to be without me.  This time his focus is elsewhere and I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself.  I try to remind myself that he does love me, but this was the best decision.  I question it though, constantly….I question how much he loves me and that’s a terrible thing to do to myself.

Thank you Ferns for giving me so much to think about, it means so much to me.

And, you are right and can laugh….I laugh at myself.  My attraction to Bennett still amazes me for many reasons, but I guess that’s the mystery of it all.

 

Getting On With It

In a rare instance of strength towards a break up, I came home tonight and deleted all his text messages from my phone.  I read an article today that said the worst thing you can do is go backwards and read and reread things that are no longer valid.

So, I deleted him.

11 months of text messages.  Hidden away.  I can go back and read them with some effort, but I can’t access on the phone.

I also took down my little trinkets and cards I had kept up at work.  Tucked those away in a drawer.

I didn’t delete my photos, but if find myself looking at him with longing, well, they will go off to a safe place too.

Interestingly enough, when I did this over a year ago with Bobby I transferred everything to an email I can no longer recall with a password that is entirely gone from my mind.  So, that goes to show you how literally removing these little reminders from your life eventually fade from the foreground if you take an active part in making it happen.

I woke myself up from a dream about us the other night.   I dreamed we were talking it all through and somehow I was being convinced to wait yet again. I woke myself up angry and had to shake it off.  Clearly my subconscious is strongly connected to him.

I try not to let my wand wander too much but I find it nearly impossible not to think about it as soon as I have a free moment.   I know the mourning has set in because I could cry, I just don’t.

I’ve been asking myself a lot more soul-searching questions this time around.  My biggest internal debate is just my inability to understand “why” or “how” he can do what he’s doing.  I know I just need to move into acceptance and allow myself not to know everything, but I am not there yet.  Please, I would appreciate no cliché replies about moving on, I know what I need to do, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it obsessively.

His last words to me were to tell me he will always love me, I will always be his one true love and no one will ever replace that.  He is sure of it.  I feel bad if he has to live that way and be married to someone else.

Ann and I discussed and I realize that he made me a lot of promises and led me to believe (willingly, I wasn’t oblivious to anything) that there was hope for a future for us.  He even spoke to her because he was terrified of losing me.  Yes, he is a jerk for doing this, but he was a jerk for cheating in the first place and I loved him despite his jerkiness.

And then he got cold feet.

So be it.  I am just writing to process as it’s the easiest outlet not to torment my friends with endless questions of doubt and continual sadness.  I am very, very lucky I have such an amazing role in my new job to consume me.  Without it, I would be lost.  My closest friend also broke it off with her long distance boyfriend after 18 months.  She is so good about “he showed me one sign of not wanting me and I’m out.”  And, she is, just like that. I wish I had some of that resilience and self-confidence.

I sit and wonder how he imploded so quickly.  I know I won’t have any answer that will satisfy me.  If he was speaking to me he would simply tell me he was confused and he still loves me, but he isn’t leaving his family.  There is nothing more, but I’m not yet ready to finish my own psychoanalysis of how he can live with these lies.

 

When You Have No One to be Frustrated with but Yourself

A quick post to get this off my chest.

I know how well I lied to myself because I feel the pain of heartbreak.  I felt it in January when I initially told Bennett it would end.  I felt it in early April again when I chose to let go…and thought I let go for real this time.  But I must not have…the few days between the “I spoke to her text” and the “I’m not ready to leave” text gave me too much hope.

I told myself to be patient, that I knew the first “I spoke to her text” was simply the tip of an iceberg that may never melt or even crack.  I knew it.

I knew it.

But, deep down, somehow, I also convinced myself to hope.

And now I feel the pain of that hope and I hate it.  I hate that I did this to myself.

Nothing has changed with Bennett in fact.  He says he still loves me the way he always loved me but he cannot leave his family and his marriage.  He currently has no intention of going back to an intimate relationship with his wife, but knows he cannot leave.

I don’t truly understand this.  I feel that if he loved me the way he says he does he would leave.  I spoke to Ann about this and she reminded me “it’s not about me.”  But, I’m not sure I really understand.

How can you love someone so deeply yet stay married to another?  Why make your life such a lie?

I’m not debating the fact I need to move forward, I am just attempting to rationalize something for myself and i seem to be stuck on this thought.

He feels he cannot make the decision to leave his family, he is sure of it now.  He has decided he cannot be selfish, that they are more important than anything he would do for himself, and that deciding to leave them for me was an ultimately selfish choice.