This is Why I Stopped Being Sexy

This isn’t exactly the reason I stopped being sexy (refer to my Scared post), but this got my goat.

I went on a date with a man named Duke. He was an Irish/Italian immigrant, not my traditional “look” but handsome nonetheless and spirited. I met him in the city.

Duke had a great sense of a story and told some good ones. He had a very interesting and different life and I was engaged, though not entirely attracted.

I suppose at some point Duke said I was a pleasant surprise from our text conversation where I appeared disinterested …. that definitely struck a chord with me as I’ve been feeling it lately (see my most recent pity party post).

When Duke made the comment, it turned over in my mind a bit and I debated internally if I wanted to change that perception, or not, with him. He was going to be super easy to flirt with and I could tell he had an engaging sexual style. I could imagine kissing him.

But even as I debated in my head, I couldn’t get the sassy, sexy, fun girl up out of my gut to be present in that bar with him. She would not come out. I had no desire to force it, it didn’t feel right. I tried one of my good stories, and while it came out ok and got its requisite laugh, it didn’t even feel genuine to me. I didn’t share it because I wanted him to know more about me, I shared it because I had a story I knew was good. That’s it. Nothing more.

No wonder I come across as disinterested. I’m disinterested and disengaged from MYSELF .

When it was time to leave, we walked out together, had a lovely kiss goodbye and he asked me out again. He also asked me to flirt with him. I agreed to both. I agreed because I wanted to and it would be fun, it was less so about actual chemistry.

He followed up that night as well as the next day and I tried to keep it light with a promise of a little shower or bra shot as I was getting ready for my evening the next night.

When the time came for my shower, I snapped the promised photo and sent it over, with a small explanation I had not shared a photo like this in over a year so he was “lucky 🍀” I was afraid of his reaction and wanted to provide some (lame) context of why I may appear disinterested when I’m really afraid and that’s what came out instead. I wasn’t ready to be emotionally open with him.

It wasn’t my best as my body is so thin now and nothing appears full anymore – but it is what it is and someone is going to need to love it the way it is now.

His answer:

“Oh dear. Pot of gold :)”

My reply: ”

“You think?”

His reply:

“Shenanigans ahoy”

And that was it since Saturday night.

It bothered me, of course, for a minute. The first god dam sexy photo I take and the guy disappears overnight. He got what he asked for, was obviously disappointed, and ghosted me.  But then, you know what, I didn’t care enough.  I sent him a not so kind message back by Monday, then blocked and deleted him.  I hate when someone pretends to “not be the typical man” and then turns out to be exactly that.

This is exactly what I am afraid of each and every time and why I’ve been holding back with sexy talk and sexy shots. I’m deathly afraid of more rejection. And it happened!  However, I also know you can’t start a relationship holding on to all this fear and expecting some new man to suddenly be everything I thought Tony was.  I want to be safe with someone, and I made a bad choice with Duke, but at least it reminded me why I don’t need to do those things for anyone anymore…..until I really want to and  until I am truly turned on by the person I am sharing it with.

The Ghosts

I met two men on line that I was very attracted to, and had that little flutter of “oh I hope they write and like me too!”

Both turned into ghosts. Multiple times.

August met all the immediate criteria and we hit it off quickly on dating app text. We exchanged numbers and text a bit more for a day or two then he disappeared for over a week. I didn’t think twice because, unfortunately, ghosting is so damn normal these days. After a period of time he popped back up with a good explanation and photos of his kids and asked me out immediately. I let the first ghosting pass, we all get caught up in our lives. We made some fun plans for this week and agreed to speak on phone. He initiated both the date and the suggestion of a phone conversation. Now, he’s ghosted me again! As much as I would like to see him tomorrow, the lack of communication (since Friday) is an issue. If he can’t even text a hello over a series of days and expects me to come into the city tomorrow for a day date, will that be any different after the date? Is it worth the time, effort and cost to take myself all the way into the city to meet a man I will probably like only for him to keep ghosting me like this?

What do you think?

My friends are split decision on August.

Then there is Dave. Dave actually appeared on the scene in 2017 when Tony and I had our first break. Tony couldn’t work up the courage to speak to his wife and I was frustrated so I chose to start dating again. I liked Dave immediately. He hit most of my criteria except for never married and no kids. We had 3 dates, all fun and laughter and he was an amazing kisser. If we had met again, no doubt I would have slept with him. He was a huge turn on for me – and, later, a real sore spot for Tony. After our 3rd date, which went very well, Dave ghosted me. It was disappointing and unexpected but it happened. Eventually I got back with Tony and Dave slipped from my mind. Until now, when he started to appear on every one of my dating apps as a match. He eventually reached out to me to chat and then asked me out. He thought the “dating gods” were trying to tell us something. I really want to go out with Dave…but he’s is as inconsistent with communication as he was the first time and I still get a feeling he’s not all that interested. He doesn’t strike me as the pursuer, I always got the feeling he wants to be pursued. Yes, he asked me out, but it feels half-hearted to me, as though he recalls our chemistry (which he’s mentioned a few times) and figures we can fool around while he looks for his next relationship. He also asked me to come to him – which I did on our last date in 2017 – and couldn’t recall where I lived and wasn’t keen on coming to me. I think he wants what he can get (a for now fling) and isn’t really interested in me.

I think I need to just stop with Dave.

Both August and Dave are the type of man (on the surface) I would like to be dating. But I don’t think I’m getting the reciprocation I need and have a funny feeling I never will.

Do I just stop now with both and call it a day?

What do you think about these ghosts?