I remember being young and believing there must be soul mates in this world. I spent many of my young days dreaming about Prince Charming coming to sweep me off my feet. I’m a romantic at heart and felt that there must be the one true love who would fulfill all my needs.
There must be “a one” for each of us, no?
Well, at least that’s what I believed when I was young.
I found several people in my young life who wanted to be my life partner, but for one reason or the other they didn’t work out until I chose my husband.
There was one boy, David, who I believed for a long time to be as close to a soul mate that I would find. We dated for 3 years and he wanted to marry me. David was really good for me and everyone loved him. I crushed his soul when I moved on. But, I went off to college and by the second year, I needed to experience more than David could offer me. In later years I questioned the decision to leave David, especially since I met up with him again when we both moved to the same town and ended up having children the same age. But, that was a time I was struggling with how my x treated me in our marriage, and I based a lot of my comparison on how good David had been to me. David would have been a better husband for me, but I believe I would have grown restless and ultimately reached the same conclusion at a later date. I just needed more from the world around me than David could offer.
Moving towards marriage with my x was difficult. The road to our engagement was bumpy and filled with uncertainty. He claims he was never quite sure I was the one. I scared him with my intensity. I was too demanding and he didn’t think he could ever love me the way I loved him.
I convinced myself that he was marrying up and would eventually be grateful to have a woman like me.
What a joke I played on myself. I realize that now. It was terribly arrogant of me to think that way. I was full of arrogance when I was young. What has turned to confidence now and is considered one of my strongest traits was most certainly an ugly trait in my youth.
Whatever the reason we chose to get married so long ago, eventually a relationship based mostly on superficial things has to dissolve. There was never any real substance between my x and I. That isn’t down to one of us, we both made the same mistake. We chose based on ideals, looks and personality instead of goals, values and true friendship and companionship. There was never an honest understanding between us, he lied before we were married and throughout the marriage, the die were never cast in our favour.
I stopped believe that soulmates were a real thing. I was taught during my marriage to believe that love was simply a ruse, that people shouldn’t experience such high emotion, that I was foolish to think such romantic notions. My mistake was giving up that piece of myself to my x’s beliefs to satisfy him.
Fast forward to our separation 2+ years ago.
The two years of freedom during separation resulted in one relationship (affair) which was never meant to have legs from the start. While I eventually convinced myself that Bobby could be a man for me long-term, he was consistent in saying that he would never be that man. I convinced myself that our bubble was reality. But the truth was, I was never able to mesh my family life and the affair in my own head which was proof that I always saw my relationship with him as very independent of my real life. The affair always remained in a separate compartment, never crossing the line to a whole life.
I did love Bobby and some days still feel the ache of his loss. I’m pretty sure he is forever imprinted on my heart.
I made myself more promises than I can count about never dating another married man……
And, then, Bennett stumbled on the scene. And I do mean stumbled. He actually fell into my front door the first time we met because he was so nervous.
There is no good reason why I started and then continued with Bennett. I can self-analyze til the cows come home and come up with no sensible argument.
He captured my interest, then his voice captured something else. The first weeks were rocky at best yet we both persevered. I was absolutely taken by his admiration of me, the limerence was like a drug. As some time passed and we had some separation from one another, I began to realize I always felt like a part of me was missing whenever I wasn’t connecting to Bennett. To this day, if there is any kind of tension/upset between us for any reason I will begin to get physically ill. He has become like an extension of me.
In all honesty, I can recall feeling something like this with David, a true connection of heart, mind and soul. I did not have that same type of connection with my x in hindsight.
Bennett was becoming the air I was breathing.
To be fair, I felt like the life was taken from me when Bobby and I broke-up, but I didn’t feel like Bobby was connected to me on a deep emotional level while we were together. We had a great connection, but not a soul connection. While I do believe that he did love me, I didn’t trust in his love to keep him with me.
This is very different with Bennett. I literally feel the molecules of my body intertwining with his. I believe him when he tells me I am the next chapter in his life (he says “never mind the next chapter, you are the next book”).
I have put myself at the ultimate risk with Bennett because I believe him. This is something that I have been struggling with the past week or so and it’s starting to surface more often. My heart and brain are going to war. I know I have put myself into an impossible situation and can’t seem to convince myself to crawl out of it.
In an effort to understand some of what’s happening between Bennett and I, I googled soulmates:
“The 10 Elements of a Soulmate:
1. It’s something inside. Describing how a soulmate makes you feel is difficult. It’s a tenacious, profound and lingering emotion which no words can encompass. (check)
2. Flashbacks. If your partner is your soulmate, chances are he or she has been present in your past lives. Soulmates often choose to come back together during the same lifetime and scope each other out in the big world. You might suddenly and briefly experience flashbacks of your soulmate. You might even feel an odd sense of déjà vu, as if the moment in time has already taken place, perhaps a long time ago, perhaps in a different setting. (check)
3. You just get each other. Ever met two people who finish each other’s sentences? Some people call that spending too much time together, but I call it a soulmate connection. You might experience this with your best friend or your mother, but it is the telltale sign of a soulmate when you experience it with your partner. (check)
4. You fall in love with his (or her) flaws. No relationship is perfect, and even soulmate relationships will experience ups and downs. Still, that bond will be much harder to break. Soulmates have an easier time of accepting, even learning to love, each other’s imperfections. Your relationship is more likely to be a soulmate match if you both love each other exactly as you each are, accepting both the great and awful tendencies we all have. (check)
5. It’s intense. A soulmate relationship may be more intense than normal relationships, in both good and sometimes bad ways. The most important thing is that, even during negative episodes, you’re focused on resolving the problem and can see beyond the bad moment. (triple check)
6. You two against the world. Soulmates often see their relationship as “us against the world.” They feel so linked together that they’re ready and willing to take on any feat of life, so long as they have their soulmate by their side. Soulmate relationships are founded on compromise and unity above all else. (by nature, this happens in an affair, so check)
7. You’re mentally inseparable. Soulmates often have a mental connection similar to twins. They might pick up the phone to call each other at the exact same time. Though life may keep you apart at times, your minds will always be in tune if you are soulmates. (check)
8. You feel secure and protected. Regardless of the gender of your partner, he or she should always make you feel secure and protected. This means that if you’re a man, yes, your woman should make you feel protected, too! Your soulmate will make you feel like you have a guardian angel by your side. A person who plays on your insecurities, whether consciously or subconsciously, is not your soulmate. (check)
9. You can’t imagine your life without him (or her). A soulmate is not someone you can walk away from that easily. It is someone you can’t imagine being without, a person you believe is worth sticking with and fighting for. (check)
10. You look each other in the eye. Soulmates have a tendency to look into each other’s eyes when speaking more often than ordinary couples. It comes naturally from the deep-seated connection between them. Looking a person in the eye when speaking denotes a high level of comfort and confidence. (check)
Whether you’re designed by the universe to be soulmates or two loving people who have settled for each other’s strengths and weaknesses, the decision is yours. The beauty of free will is that you can remain in or change any relationship as you see fit. To be with your soulmate is one of the precious treasures of life. And if you feel you’ve found your heart’s other half, I wish you endless days of joy and laughter, and countless nights of deep embrace, unraveling the mysteries of the universe one by one.”
(*excerpt from Dr Carmen Harra)
So, I don’t know….are we soul mates? Does such a thing exist? Can this crazy situation actually work out?
I don’t know and don’t have the answer. Simply putting it out there in the Universe like I did the last time and hoping the right answers come back to me.
I can only tell you that I have an amazing sense of peace and gratification when it comes to Bennett, and that is certainly nothing I have felt before.