Tag: depression

Hello, Again? Back in Hospital

Well here I am again and not at all happy about it.

This week I started to have pain under my breastbone. It started Sunday night and may have been the cause of my poor sleeping more than the ring on Tony’s finger (which would be a good thing, right?). By Thursday evening the pain had intensified beyond what I could manage and I knew the ER was on the agenda for the evening.

I had been careful, watching what I eat, taking some gas x and seeing if anything was influencing the pain in any way. I couldn’t find anything.

By the time we got to the hospital Thursday night, I was bowled over in pain and out of breath. They took me in quickly administering fluids and morphine right away. Sent off for X-rays and cat scans pretty quickly.

Then the surgeon arrived and my hopes plummeted.

The ER doc (as well as myself) were thinking pancreatis or something along those lines. But the surgeon debunked the results by saying I had another bowel blockage.

I just.wanted.to.cry.

This meant we were going down a familiar path. I would be intubated with an NG tube, no food or liquids, no narcotics and a lot of patience. They did give me a strong opioid called Tramdol which worked for the time being and anti-inflammatory meds which helped.

I did cry once the tube was placed because I couldn’t believe I was back here again, in this horrible situation. I knew now they would admit me as well.

I was terrified that having the surgeon involved meant I was looking at being cut open again.

Going back to the 9th floor in the room directly across where I spent my 4 weeks in Sept/Oct was like a horrible horror story. But all the nurses remembered me and were so kind. They couldn’t believe how much better I looked as compared to my first stay. I suppose there’s some compensation there – that even with the damn tube coming out of my nose that they thought I looked good! 😂

I didn’t get to the room until 6am or so, and then rounds start soon after, so I was feeling really crappy after a night full of pain and testing with no sleep.

As it turned out, the pain began to disappear once I was settled and I didn’t need any further pain killers. They had me on simple fluids to see if my body could recover on its own.

Another cat scan and X-ray followed during the day and they could see that the initial contrast was making its way through the bowel. I told them all they needed to do was give me a cup of coffee and I would be pooping in no time! No one bought that.

By evening I pooped on my own. I did a little poop dance of joy 💩 because I knew that meant my body was doing its job.

Early the next morning the surgeon agreed and the tube came out. The doctor arrived some time later and said if I stick to liquids and soft foods for a week they would allow me to go home that day. He knew I knew the bariatric surgery ropes so he was willing to be lenient. I wasn’t too happy to have to go back to a liquid diet, but it’s better than being in the hospital and monitored here.

Ultimately they believe it was a bowel blockage that I caught super early. The NG tube allowed my bowels to rest for 36 hours without doing any work. The diet allows for further rest from whatever the blockage or inflammation was from. There is no real “reason” it happened or any way to prevent it from happening again. It’s just because I have had so many abdominal surgeries and bowel resections.

I’m waiting now for my son to pick me up so I can rest at home.

I’m bummed this happened in the middle of my exercise streak, but I will exercise lightly for the next week so the habit continues to form. I already felt myself falling into a hole lying on the hospital room for 2 nights. I couldn’t even focus enough to watch TV or even read.

Let’s hope, like the surgeon hopes, that this doesn’t happen again and I continue on my merry way.

Crazy Talk

I’m writing this to get it out of my head. I haven’t told anyone but the blog about looking at Tony’s photo and obsessing, but I haven’t been sleeping well and generally feeling a funk.

I know it has to be from that darn photo. Nothing else has changed.

I’ve now spent almost a week dwelling on the fact that he’s back in his marriage full time, he lied to me in November to say “nothing had changed between them” because I recall that bonding/hysterical sex is a real thing after finding out about an affair. So chances are he’s in a better marriage now than he was before.

It makes me want to vomit that I am obsessing and he’s getting on with his wonderful life and wife.

I want control now, of my thoughts, my ability to STOP caring about this man that nearly took life from me because I allowed it. I want to STOP worrying about someone who could care less for me.

I have to STOP thinking of how great I might have fantasized it could be because it was never anything but fantasy. We had a time, a season and now it passed.

I’m still thinking a lobotomy is my best option.

Another Questionable First Date

Craig and I connected on OKC and had an easy back and forth. It was light and simple.

We spoke on the phone and had a lovely conversation.

Why wasn’t anything getting me excited?

He was handsome, tall, built, successful, divorced and older kids. Seemingly emotionally available.

He chose the place we would meet and arrived before I did and secured a good seat at the bar. I found him quickly and assessed he looked better in person. He’s also super physically fit for 55, six pack abs and all! He claimed 6′ and I had worn 4″ heels, and I felt taller but he wasn’t short, just maybe not 6′.

A few things went wrong quickly on the date, but not so bad that the date went sideways, just enough that I couldn’t get traction with getting to know him and get a feel for his personality.

Problem 1: the bartender never approached me when I sat down and nor did Craig seem concerned if I had a drink. After a solid 15 minutes I tried to get a bartenders attention. I finally said something to him and about 25 minutes into the date he realized he should be getting a drink for me. Not a great way to start – makes me generally assess how he cares for others.

Problem 2: the bar was cute but the acoustics were so horrible I could not hear him unless I bent my head forward and out my ear to his mouth. Obviously on a first date this is tough. He’s got my hair in his mouth and I can’t see his facial expressions as he’s talking. It only got worse when the band came on. Again, great little band, the acoustics in the bar just stunk.

Problem 3: why hasn’t he asked me any real personal questions? Nothing about kids, x, job, or friends. Didn’t mention any thing about his family, friends or work either. I did prompt but the answers were always ….best described as canned. I couldn’t get a handle on him at all.

Problem 4: we ate a basket of pita chips before he said “I should have asked you if you wanted something to eat?” Yes, that would have been nice but I just carb loaded beyond my normal no-carb rule! Again, makes me wonder how he cares for others.

Problem 5: religious and ethnic jokes. Now, a joke well told is a joke well told. But when you don’t exactly know the recipient, perhaps you lay off on particularly derogatory ones? He told multiple religious jokes, and ethnic joke and at least 2 political jokes. I didn’t laugh. I actually didn’t get the punch line in any. I wondered why he kept trying.

So the date went bobbing along, never really gaining any traction in my opinion. We walked out together. I had to suggest he walk me to me car. And then he didn’t know what to do so he kissed me on the cheeks. I turned my lips up to him and I got a peck on the lips as he turned away. Over my shoulder I watched him realize his own faux pas but kept getting into my car. He text as soon as he arrived in his car: I should have kissed you goodbye.

Yup. At least see if there is a potential rescue in this date.

He keeps referring to himself as a wolf and uses the 🐺 emoji in text. When you don’t know someone that comes across quite strong, in my opinion. He does not strike me as a wolf in person in any respect but I suppose it’s how he sees himself?

He tried one or two more jokes by text and I asked him if “he liked religious jokes?” He didn’t try again. Since the date all he texts about is kissing me. Nothing about getting to know me.

He is divorced almost 5 years, same as me. When I first asked if he dated he said no, but at the bar I questioned this again and he said not seriously. Again, I just wasn’t clear with his replies and he seemed to shy away from personal info.

Craig is traveling for business now for a couple days and I said I would see him when he returns. As I’m writing this post, I’m wondering why I would bother.

I feel a general lack of interest for him and he’s not especially engaging.

Dating is so much fun. Really helps one get out of a major depression! 🤣😂

I Trapped Myself

I acknowledge that I am stuck in repetitive negative thoughts. The patterns are so immersed that I believe my brain processes the obsession as my normal cognitive behavior. When I don’t “get what I need/expect” I fight for it.

Fighting for it got me into a hole I nearly didn’t get out of last year.

I fought with my boss and had to leave a job. I fought with my children and still have one relationship that needs mending. I fought with Tony until I made him despise me. Even though, at times, I knew I should stop pushing, it felt like I was wired to defeat myself.

I had trapped myself into my own bad behaviors.

I tried to convince myself that going to Mexico was a reset button for me. If I could lose the weight other things would fall in place. Again, really bad thinking on my part. I know part of it was severe depression because I didn’t want to care if I died. I thought if I could feel physically better about myself, perhaps the emotional duress would lessen.

That’s clearly not what happened. I made everything much, much worse before it even started to level out these past few weeks.

Learning to get out of these behaviors is taking a toll on me. I am doing what I can which is primarily holdings myself accountable by writing out the damaging behaviors as well as redirection and create new, healthy patterns.

I actively try to stop my obsessive thoughts by interrupting myself. My brain is so powerful it can bring me right back to the unwanted and uncomfortable thoughts and I can’t exercise it away all day and night. I have disputed my sleep pattern despite including significant activity in my day. I disrupted my eating pattern and found the old habit of not thinking what was going hand-to-mouth too easy to fall back into.

I stopped the poor eating (there was a different trigger there will talk about in a separate post). Now I am going to figure out exactly what I need to build in my brain to stop the obsessive thoughts. I need a mini activity (even a brain activity, doesn’t have to be physical) that I do each time I begin to obsess. I need a replacement thought.

As much as I currently feel like my life was ruined, I want to begin believing it is simply changed. I have the power to begin making new and different choices. Choices that are better for me. I am not alone. People have lived through heartbreak and come out stronger the other side. I can too.

I hate self talk like I hate exercise but I’ve got to try something different. I may even make a vision board.

How Do I STOP This Ridiculous Obsession?

Writing because the only reason I can think for feeling such apathy today is because of that damn wedding ring photo?

Right? It must be.

I don’t want to move. I don’t want to get off the couch. I have slept poorly two nights in a row. The only positive is I can’t reach out to him to start an argument or any trouble. Both he and his wife are deleted from my phone.

Why, why, why! Do I obsess like this after all this time. It’s going to be 1 year in April since I’ve seen the man. 2 years in April since I’ve know he would stay married. I am angry with myself. I want to change and every time I think I make progress I manage to bang right into a brick wall. Head first.

I do feel sick with grief in an odd way. Not crying, but entirely apathetic.

What can I do? How does this stop?

I have seriously thought of going to get hypnotized (does that work?) or a lobotomy. I cannot seem to pull myself from this gutter.

I Only Wear Yoga Pants

I’ve become “that” Mom. I have resorted to only wearing yoga pants.

I admit I never, ever saw this coming in my life.

I’ve lost about 60+ pounds and currently the lowest weight I can recall in 2 decades. I needed clothes, and being unemployed, I was careful with my purchases. 2 pairs of jeans, a dress, a few sweaters, some T-shirt’s and a bunch of yoga pants.

I now live in the yoga pants. I don’t even care when my lack-of-ass shows. I go out in public in my yoga pants. I choose my yoga pants over my jeans. Except on dates, dates get jeans.

Of course, I lived in black leggings before because jeans were so uncomfortable. But they were styled with long tunics and work appropriate. Lots of cute dresses. Now I’m thinner than ever and can rock some cool jeans, and I’m opting for Mom-wear!

I also go out with no makeup. Horrors!

I generally do brush my hair.

It’s so easy to get lazy – or perhaps because I’m thin once again I don’t care as much about the other things? Either way, it’s a whole lot of less effort and much more comfortable. Maybe I’m getting more comfortable in my own skin?

I consider this progression from loose pajamas, no bra and 2 sizes too big sweatpants! At least I am presentable should someone ring the doorbell!

However, if my work associates could see me now…it would not go over well!

Hit a Little Low

A little low, I realized, is much different than where I have been! So that’s good news, right?

I didn’t sleep well, was up and tossing every hour which is unusual as of late.

Wasn’t as motivated to work out as I have been the past 18 days.

Didn’t really want to move from couch.

Sort of depressed I haven’t focused energy on the work search. I’ve put my energy on exercise which I’ve been very consistent with now that I’m in week 3.

It was hard to determine work OR exercise. I didn’t feel like I could do them both yet. But I feel immense guilt that I have no money and no motivation to do something about it.

I am guessing the early phone call with my x about son #1 who is living with him for the past month really set me off. It literally disturbed my mojo and I lost focus. What’s most worrisome about that is – how the hell am I going to actually work if I can’t manage more than one crisis/challenge at a time. I’m not writing about the phone call because my heart rate will spike (it literally got higher than my cardio!). But, am sure to write about son #1’s current actions in another post. The recap is basically he is not coming home and may be dropping out of school.

That one (admittedly very important) thing really threw me down to the ground. I did exercise quickly after that but could not find my center to push myself. Maybe today just becomes an active rest day.

So I’m sitting here writing this post and mulling over when I’m gonna get my ass in gear for the job search. Whole-heartedly in gear. I’m half-assing it at the moment or not doing anything at all.

I don’t even want to get my steps in today. I don’t think it’s good to fall off a wagon 18 days in. I am going to console myself that I still exercised for 35 minutes and I will go on the treadmill for another 30. Again, not a hard effort, but something.

At least I’m doing better than my pre-February self.

Obsessing

My therapist suggested I write letters to whoever I need, then let go.

I have never really been able to get to a succinct enough letter for Tony or my x. I suppose that might mean I’m still to attached to all the reasons those relationships didn’t work out.

I’ve been waking up each morning subconsciously thinking about Tony. I don’t like it one bit because I can’t stop my mind from waking me like that. The pattern this past week seems to be the lies he’s told me and my struggle to determine what’s true or what I want to hold on to as the truth.

My brain is like a target missile when I obsess over something. Looking for the truth. Looking for the moment I missed the clues and connections I should have been making. I don’t even know how my subconscious keeps coming back to him. I am really and actively trying to NOT think about this man every minute. Seriously though, NONE of it matters anymore and I CANNOT seem to get it through my thick skull.

I tried meditation and it was about gratitude and love and sure enough, he was the first thing to pop into my mind that I’m grateful for.

I may just come to accept I am fucking nuts that I can’t move on almost a year after the final end and two years past the moment I knew he wasn’t leaving his marriage. I understand what gifts I received from that relationship and I understand I can take them forward. I don’t understand why I can’t just fucking let go already.

I know all the wonderful reasons I loved him and line for him. I know what I was given and what I lost but for Christ’s sake, it’s got to go. I’m never speaking to or seeing this man ever again in my life. He’s done, out, erased. Finite.

I just want to stop obsessing. I do not know how to control this and it makes me crazy how he consumes me. Even crazier that he moves on with his life and intact marriage/family. I want him exorcised or lobotomized from my brain. I want him gone already.

Finding My Way Out of the Dark

Most days are still painstakingly absent of light for me. Even when I find my moments of activity or happiness, I actively look for the next down period. I’ve been reading self-help like a fiend, trying to find alternatives to pull myself out of this pit I’m in, but I cannot find the strength. I know one of the keys is going to be routine and getting back into an established routine, but I break routine as fast as I make them.

I have to talk myself out of bed each morning to drive my youngest to school. Most days I succeed. I get up, brush teeth and hair, cover up (not always getting out of PJs) put on the coffee and empty the dishwasher. Get the boy to school. Some days I even get a bra on. This week I resolved I would set the alarm for earlier than I need to get up so that I made sure I also got dressed.

I can go days without taking a shower, and a week without washing hair. Since I don’t move or do much, it’s not hard to forget I should do it. It’s fallen out of my routine. I don’t shower for myself, I shower if I need to be presentable.

I don’t truly understand how I have motivated myself in the past to move forward from difficulty. Either I thought or believed there was something better on the horizon, or felt I had no alternative but acceptance.

I do not have either of those two feelings right now.

This morning I woke about an hour early and started to obsess over Tony. I tried mind control “if you keep thinking about this, you should get up and exercise instead!” I cannot even actively control my obsessive thoughts.

Strangely enough, I don’t generally nap. But, if I could, I sleep a straight 10-12 hours before feeling actually rested. Is it possible anyone really needs this much sleep?

I’m a seesaw. One moment moving up and feeling the air on my face and a (very small) burst of positivity or energy, and the next moment not just coming down but literally crashing into the ground hard. As if the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I cannot lift, or even try to lift.

My son had his pull up bar out the other night and I jokingly gave it a shot. The way I feel each day is similar to approaching and attempting that pull up bar – I raise my arms, pull myself up, and I am dead weight. No strength, no movement, just nothing.  I literally could not even try, my weight was just too much, my muscles evaporated.

I have seen other people motivate themselves forward and I understand the concept of changing a small, yet important, thing to add up to bigger changes – but I don’t do it.

If there was such a thing as manic-depressive by the hour, I feel like that’s me.

Why This and Not That?

Believe it or not I just finished 10 mins on the Peloton and 10 mins arms, made myself a protein shake and sitting down shaking my head.

How is it I can so adversely hate exercise that my brain can find a million reasons “not to” and I can’t seem to find that same thought when I want to reach out to Tony. It’s the same damn thought “don’t do it” and one actually has a positive outcome while the other has a negative outcome. I feel physically better following any exercise and, if I keep it up, I know I will appreciate the overall results of a toned body and better sleep. I certainly don’t have any of that when it comes to Tony!

Why am I programmed for all this negativity? It’s like I set myself up for more and more pain and don’t even try to help myself out of it. (Oh yes, I know, we’ve seen this bad behavior from me for years now).

What was the one trigger that got me off the couch today? As terrible as this sounds, I convinced myself I could get right back on it and sleep the day away if I just put in the 20 mins. I did it, made the shake and now sitting back on the couch.

Will it work tomorrow or the day after?

It’s not even 10:30 am and I’ve thrown in the towel for the day.

I do acknowledge that until a habit forms, I need to track. I wasn’t paying enough attention to the Keto eating and was over consuming calories and needed to track to ensure I was watching my macros. I haven’t worn my Fitbit in some time because I was tired of it reminding me I needed to move every hour! My brain was able to ignore it enough to say “don’t do it” and eventually remove it.

I am so angry at myself (for a moment, then it passes) for not investing in myself. I went to the trouble of having a surgery for chrissakes and all the pain I endured and I created an amazing foundation for myself, one that I haven’t had in years (being thin).

I read an article about obsession. Obsession drives us equally for better or worse. It’s what makes us successful and it’s what makes us invest in poor choices. People are obsessive about their career and health. Some about family or love. When we are obsessive in the wrong way (not letting go of something), it creates a problem. But when we are obsessive in the right way (staying on schedule, eating well, managing our families or careers) it actually fuels us to continue doing better. Clearly I have an obsessive compulsive disorder which is unhealthy in itself, but I have also used it to my advantage in the past. I don’t know why I can’t be obsessed with myself for a little while: eat well, be healthy and fit, and let go of Tony.

Strangely enough, the short communication with his wife settled me. I gave her enough affair specifics that proves our timeline so he can lie all he wants now. If she’s clever, she will ask the questions before giving up the information. I almost wish I had sent her our text string for a 6 month period. He could say anything he wanted but those text prove how he was leading me to believe there was a life for us. I hadn’t read those text in a long time because they hurt so badly. But, I sat and read all 4000 or so pages in that string. It brought back some really lovely memories and the pain of waiting. It was ok. I didn’t cry or breakdown. I just read. And I had some weird feeling of relief.

Someone mentioned the itch to speak to him is going to come back. I don’t know. When I made up my mind to end Bobby and sent my emails to Ann, I stopped. Somehow I stopped them and somehow I will stop now.

Like the saying “let go and let God.” I’ve given over what I had and it’s their marriage to manage. I don’t think I will hear from either of them ever again.