Girl Code

So my dating hiatus was up, I turned back on the apps and met someone cool pretty quickly.

We hit it off on the app, moved to text and the banter was flying. We agreed to a chat the next day.

He called me on the phone and we were off to the races. The conversation never slowed and my heart was racing….but this was primarily because he was SO high energy. Honestly, I started to think after the first hour of conversation I wouldn’t be able to keep up with him!

First of all, he was just about perfect on paper…but as he described himself and his life I can easily see how women would swoon over him.

He was a Dom in a previous period in his life. Before he even told me that, I knew. All the cues and signals were there. If you’re looking to be a sub, you would be thrilled with this guy. In my opinion, he knew his stuff. Thanks to the WordPress Community, I have read and learned enough about D/s relationships to understand what he was saying on a deeper level. He was clearly aware this type of history could scare a woman away so was careful in his wording, but I saw it for what it was.

A sort of strange thing happened – I felt myself disengaging from the conversation – I had been very interested in him, but knew I no longer sought a D/s relationship (had my experiences with that, took what I needed and moved on!). I didn’t feel he was trying to convince me, or even think that’s what he was looking for, but I need to be clear I wasn’t interested in the whole dynamic (he was explaining himself too much) so I interjected “I’m not the sub for you” with a short explanation….thinking , ok that’s the end of this guy….and actually got back a laugh!

That caught me off guard. But what caught me even more was his subsequent description of what I was really looking for in a dominant man. He hit my own description of myself on the head. I really wondered if he read my blog?! He totally gets what I needed from a relationship based on motherhood/work/previous relationships and I was floored. That was a first. Even Tony never understood what I meant by “dominant” even though he acted that way in relationship. “Take charge” could be more apropos but I have always used dominant because, somewhere in there, I like some of the kink that comes with D/s sexual play.

Once I said that the conversation took off (totally unexpected, thought I killed it for sure). At this point I looked at my phone because my ear pods died and realized we had been on the phone 1.5 hours. These long phone conversations are an investment on my part – I’ve done a few of them now and I love learning about people and it makes me eager for the date – but none have come to fruition. The thought occurred to me I may need to change this.

He kept talking. He’s a VERY high-powered and well-known executive. He’s super wealthy. Highly intelligent. Does the TED talks circuit. I was truly impressed with this man. Like, I want to meet you just to listen to you because I can probably learn soooo much from you.

But could I date you?

Interspersed with my thinking I’m not good enough to keep up with this guy, the jokes and laughter kept coming, interesting topics kept arising and we continued to speak. I did want to meet him but felt like I was never going to get over “I’m not good enough” coupled with “I can’t keep up”. He didn’t seem to think that – he kept telling me he liked our conversation and couldn’t believe how quickly time passed and how engaged he was. I felt, honestly, graced by the comment. “You like me? You really, really like me?”

Wow. Talk about inner turmoil.

And then, a funny thing happened on the way to planning the date, I mentioned a local friend. I described her as living close, similar age, two kids and divorced and owns her own business. He asked if it was a specific business in a specific town. Then he asked if I knew my friend by name.

Oh shit.

You’re THAT GUY.

You’re the guy this friend of mine has been desperately in love with for years. NOW I KNOW WHY. knowing this friend as I do, knowing her M.O. and personality, OMG, no wonder she’s held out for YOU – you were the cherry on top of her life and there was no way she was letting you slip away (for some of all the wrong reasons).

I felt the dawn of realization start in my brain like a physical sensation as all those thoughts raced through in millisecond succession. Then it went down my throat and landed in my stomach like a bad burritos needing to work its way back up and out.

But I liked you so much.

The phone had gone silent for what seemed like a minute as all this processed.

I blurted out loud “YOU’RE THAT GUY” (Actually his name, but not adding that in this post)

He didn’t even know what to say and that’s something considering the rapid pace at which he had been speaking.

We went through a couple of “wows” and talked about it a bit. He explained from his end, and his explanation matched what she told me, albeit through a different filter, and a filter that made much more sense to me knowing how she responds to situations. I’m not sure if ever perceived himself at being her “prize” but he wasn’t ready to build a life with her which is what she so desperately wanted from him.

To be continued….

Pondering My Last Date

Anthony was my last date before my 2 week hiatus from the dating apps.  He was the first man to meet who worked in my industry, so we had plenty to speak about.  It took about 3 weeks of back and forth to finally meet.  He was consistent in following up, but never spoke for too long as we attempted to make plans.  I was clear I wanted to meet him, but our times were just not lining up.

We finally landed on a date last Friday night.

I was pleasantly surprised when he walked in.  I thought he was good-looking in the photo, but more cute than handsome.  My opinion changed upon meeting him.  He was 6′ tall and solid.  He was very charming and engaging.

We had a lovely dinner that lasted at least 3 hours, then he asked me to the bar for one more drink.  We spent another hour together.  During dinner we chatted about so many subjects and laughed easily.  He was kind, well-mannered, gregarious and easy to talk to.  We shared plates and he was sure to put food on my plate and watch my wine glass.  He knew exactly how much I ate and drank.  You know I love these small things.

He walked me to my car and I admit I leaned in for a kiss…that he didn’t seem too interested in returning!  Oh!  A bit of a surprise there, honestly.

We had spent close to 5 hours together by the time we separated and headed home.  He text to check if I was home.  I replied that I was and thanked him for a lovely evening and he replied he had a nice evening as well.

I would guess I am not going to hear from him again, though I can’t put my finger on just what it was that had him go from interested to not interested. It could have been when he said (again)  “you can call me Tony” and I reeked with “But, I love Anthony!” and he noted “oh, that’s the x?” and I nodded in agreement.    It could have been as he was questioning me about what’s next in life and I said I didn’t know, multiple times, until I finally joked it away saying “perhaps I will just marry a rich man!”  It could have been anything.  I admit I am unsure, but I felt it at the very end and perhaps I missed earlier cues once we were at the bar.

Maybe it’s a vibe I’m giving off during this weird phase I’m in.  When anyone meets me, I am at my best-most-confident-self.  It’s a bit hard to reconcile that with a woman who has been unemployed for almost 6 months.  Clever men pick up on it quickly and also seem to want more direct answers as to “what am I doing next.”  I really went over the date in my mind, but couldn’t pick a point that turned the date in the wrong direction.

Maybe I spoke too much about my kids or my x (kids maybe, didn’t really discuss x though). Not enough chutzpah about finding a job sooner? Men are definitely put off by me not working when they get the vibe that I’m well spoken and educated. The two don’t fit together: being unemployed and bored doesn’t mean with my personality and it’s confounding them. Maybe they don’t want the younger entitled kids to deal with or think my hands are too full. I really can’t pinpoint the last few I’ve lost from the calls and first date.

Oh well, one more week of no dating apps is just fine for me.  The fun can begin next week again!

By the time this posts the apps will be back on after a full 10 day break. So let’s see what happens in the next batch!

Cleaning Up

Since we spent some time in The Chem Lab, I realized I needed to do some clean-up.

I know that initial chemistry is not the be-all end-all of making good dating decisions. But compatibility is important. When I looked at a couple of men on deck, men I was going to invest another date into, I knew deep down we didn’t have the compatibility OR the chemistry to continue.

I also wasn’t really giving a fuck about any of these men on deck, so what’s the point?

I don’t think I mentioned Joe.  He was appealing and kind and we made a date.  Joe was lovely on our first date. I was immediately not physically attracted to him but allowed that to pass. What hit me more strongly was his deep desire for a long-term relationship where he would do everything to please a woman, and the woman would reciprocate. Sounds like me, right? That’s what I thought to until he started to talk about his past relationships and all that he invested into them. There was a very obvious undercurrent that everything he did was a waste of his time. Years long relationships where the woman never showed any real interest in him until he “had enough of being taken advantage of.” I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was a good guy, maybe a bit boring, but a complete pushover. I honestly felt a little bad when I text him a day or so after our date to let him know I wasn’t interested.  I just couldn’t find any connection with Joe.

Matthew was a different story. I have been convincing myself that Matthew had all the key qualities I was looking for except for Chemistry and I was willing to see if that changed with more time together. I was so focused on chemistry that I ignored compatibility. Once I had the realization that most things Matthew spoke about were not interesting to me or didn’t seem to ring true (like when I asked about the end of his marriage), I knew we would have a hard time keeping the conversation flowing. He also, more than once, glossed over my current health and job situation, boiling it down to “being temporary” without diving into any specifics. I was getting a strong feeling he was creating a picture around me that wasn’t really founded on Madeline, but his interpretation of what Madeline and Matthew could look like. He was excited about “Madeline on paper” (my new favorite term) more than actual damaged Madeline. My final cue was telling him about my surgery. There was ZERO curiosity or empathy, and only “that’s all in the past and those things don’t bother me.” It hasn’t sat well with me since he said it. I was also getting the sense of a mean streak. No one specific thing but my gut was pretty solid. I told Matthew I wasn’t feeling we were compatible and said goodbye.  I felt relief which was  sure sign I was pushing forward something I wasn’t engaged in.

This left Anthony – who, at one point suggested I call him Tony and I almost died on the spot! No thanks, I just love the name Anthony! For the first time, Anthony is in my industry so there is zero lack of discussion. He has older children. He is an entrepreneur. Well traveled. Handsome and secure. I like him, not bowled over, but definitely very interested in meeting him. So we have a date set and I’m looking forward to it.

The only other man on my radar had been the Magic Man but I haven’t heard a word from him since Monday morning when he replied to my “safe travels” text. It’s a shame someone so interesting slips away so easily, but that’s his choice.

I’m leaving the apps down again for the week to take a break. They were off all last week to get through these connections. I feel busy enough again and less distracted at the moment so I think a short break is good for my head.  I’m noodling over what finally feels like the end of Tony’s tenured hold on me.  More posts on that to follow.

In The Chem Lab – Part 3

One day of amazing connection and fabulous conversation and I’m left floating on a cloud.

Until I’m not.

Two days post our conversations brought Radio Silence from the Magic Man.  Nothing all weekend.  I know he’s flying out to Chicago early am so I sent one small text and left it at that.

I watched myself again, trying to analyze what I was feeling and why.  I feel disappointed and sad, confused, but since its much too early to care, just left empty.  I haven’t lost the bit of self-realization I gained, but two days after, I don’t find any more motivation than I had the day of the call….in other words, I am still sitting on the couch doing a bunch of nothing, except (at least) capturing whats going on in my head.

There was no intentional attachment but I clearly become more hopeful than appropriate from one day of conversation with a man I never met. Is this because it’s so special/infrequent/desired? Does the chemistry between us affect the attachment part of my brain?

I wonder what it is. I’m really trying to understand myself here.

About a month ago, I connected with Tom and had a similar initial experience. We had a fantastic, long phone conversation and I found him appealing and interesting on many levels. Then I shuttered the explicit sex talk.  However, Tom, like Matthew, never got me laughing and he never moved from chatting to asking me out. Humor wise he was less dry than Matthew, definitely more manly, but I don’t recall the gut connection I got so quickly with the new Magic Man. It was a day or two of good, sincere connection with Tom and then random text here and there until I finally wished him good luck after a month of not even asking to see me.  Part of me think I will hear from him again, randomly, in the future.  If I don’t, its fine.  If I do I will ask him what his intentions are.  I’m not afraid of some strangers opinion of my needs and why I ask about their intentions, too many of them lie.  At least, I’m not afraid to say what I think any longer.

Both Tom and Magic Man are older than 55, which is a bit out of my normal age range (since dating, I have preferred slightly younger men).  Both highly successful, wealthy career men.  Could this just be a different type of nonsense I’m experiencing?  Are they more wise to the ways of some women that they invest quickly hoping for an early payoff?

Let’s think about what I’ve learned:

  • Length of initial conversation is irrelevant
  • Good physical looks start an attraction but it’s not what makes my heart skip a beat in conversation, that’s all in my head
  • Tone of voice, cadence and delivery of conversation matter greatly to me. I am quickly turned off by lack of intelligent conversational skills which draw out my own ability to banter.
  • When I am confident and sassy, my “rules” relax (for instance when is it ok to start speaking about sex and when does it make me uncomfortable?).

Have I somehow conditioned myself to expect the behavior of a married man  – is that kind of attention different to a single man, or is the communication cadence going to be different?  The only feedback from single friends is I invest in someone too early, but not that I shouldn’t expect good communication behavior.  Magic Man seems to have to same cadence I do, which is perhaps what makes the butterflies take flight.

This leads me to another thought – did the communication style remind me of Tony?  Well, yes, but only in hindsight.

Today I didn’t necessarily come away with lessons as much as questions. One day of conversation isn’t enough to evaluate or analyze more than I already have. I think my point in writing these 3 posts was to recognize that chemistry will happen and no list of requirements will determine if it’s there or not. The list serves as a platform – initially men need to meet some of my criteria to move forward or I find them unappealing almost immediately. Once the criteria is met, chemistry has to happen on its own, there’s nothing I can do to create it.

In The Chem Lab – Part 2

Friday afternoon the air outside was bitter cold and I found myself reflecting on an earlier conversation with my bff. I was comfortable and bundled in blankets and the thought that Matthew wasn’t right for me continued to nag at me. I didn’t want to make a rash decision to end what hadn’t even started, nor did I want to continue something that I was already feeling leery over.

I started to think about why Matthew seemed right to on paper but was falling short in person. I pulled up my relationship requirements list and took a stab at it. He hits many of the criteria, which isn’t an easy thing to do. But there was an undercurrent of something that just wasn’t right. The magic wasn’t there.

I dismissed thoughts of Matthew for a while in favor of going back to the dating apps. I had the intention of deleting and taking a break as I had a few men in the pipeline that had started conversations recently and I had enough. I deleted Match, OKC and POF. Then I got to Bumble and noticed the one man I swiped right on earlier that day had sent a fabulous reply. I engaged despite the fact he would make a 4th man I was chatting with when 3 is generally my limit. I often break rules faster than I make them.

The man quickly asked for my number. Now, I have a bit of an issue with men around my age – they LOVE the phone. I neglected to truly understand this because I was dating a married man. Tony called quite often but also spent a considerable amount of time on text – why? because he was in a situation where it wasn’t wise to be calling me but he wanted to stay connected. I loved how much we were connected. I am definitely over the top when it comes to communication, which isn’t for everyone. But older men seem to want to get the 1st phone conversation out-of-the-way quickly and I want to vet them a bit in text. But I gave my number and requested he text first.

Soon after, he text and we started a rapid fire conversation.

I had an a-ha moment and started to pay close attention to my cues (which is hard to do in the thick of a getting to know you conversation)

*Chemistry Lesson #1: easy banter is organic, it doesn’t come from longer or more conversation, it’s instantaneous. I can’t create it.

We text effortlessly and quickly back and forth about family, life and vacation. Easy, peasy. I was laughing to myself when the phone rang in my hand because I knew it was a matter of time before he called.

Over an hour and a half of conversation flew by. Laughter on both sides was obvious and immediate.

*Chemistry Lesson #2: I just learned that no matter how good my punch line in a story is, if the right person isn’t engaged, I don’t even want to laugh at my own jokes. We laughed with one another, repetitively.

*Chemistry Lesson #3: when I’m laughing, I’m relaxed and happy and tell my best stories. I don’t have to think about creating conversation. Topics are endless and interesting.

The first call ended with a promise to call again soon.

*Chemistry Lesson #4: I couldn’t stop thinking about him after the call, but then he text to tell me he couldn’t stop thinking of me and my heart skipped a beat.

He called back that evening and we spoke another two hours. Do you know we even spoke politics, race, marriage, relationship, child-rearing and divorce. The cadence was easy and I wasn’t fearful of what to say or how I said it. I literally felt my blood rushing through my veins and felt like the woman I was when I met Tony: confident, sexy, sassy and self-aware.

*Chemistry Lesson #5: my confidence is nearly unbreakable when I feel secure. (Self-reflection: how do I do that all the time, and on my own?)

I had something like an out-of-body experience during this conversation as I watched myself morph from this depressed, sad, pathetic woman into all that I was. I felt my energy change. I felt desire rise. It made me feel like I wanted to do something again.

I felt excited.

Please don’t interpret this as me wanting to get married to this man tomorrow. I’m simply having my own epiphany. This feeling has only come twice before in the past at least 9 months: once when I went with Rob to my family party and once when I saw my latest resume after multiple iterations and self-doubt (future post). So 3 times since Thanksgiving I truly felt myself again. This incidence forced me to realize its starting to happen more often (which is good), albeit very slowly. It also caused me to take notice of the physical cues I’m giving and receiving so I can be more intentional and mindful of what makes me feel strong, happy, confident and capable.

It made me desire to feel good again.

I know it’s not up to this man to make me feel good, but I am taking what’s in front of me at the moment and running with it.

The conversations uncovered a mass of similarities and likes between us. He joked and asked me to marry him and by the end of the conversation he said he was already in love once I said “fuck” without thinking twice about it. We didn’t address anything sexual or even hint at it through all the conversation until the very end….when he asked if I would dream about him. The teasing was gentle and silly and only made me want more.

*Chemistry Lesson #6: there must be other cues I am ignoring when other men say things very similar and I don’t like it or my guard goes up.

We said goodnight.

I waited for the good morning text that didn’t come. I sent one around 10:45 and we started another round of banter, but the morning took off on a purely sexual twist and quickly led to a phone call. However, my son entered the room and he heard me say good morning to him and automatically changed the subject (I was thankful for that). We spoke for about a half hour. He had to jump off phone to make his plans for the day, we text a little bit more and went our separate ways.

But, just before he stopped texting he sent a cock shot.

It stopped me in my tracks! One because it was beautiful and two because I wasn’t expecting it.

Unfortunately, I knew I had to set down my rules, as I had done with Tom.  I did it a bit differently since there was chemistry, I told him he shocked me into speechlessness, but we couldn’t do this before we met.  Now,  I haven’t heard from him all day, and even though I know he’s with family its sort of a downer but I’m optimistic.

Let’s see what the days ahead bring or not. Of course I would be sad if it came to nothing but I had a lightening bolt of a moment: it will happen again. I will feel the magic again, or at the very least, parts of the magic again. And it’s been so long, so very long since I’ve had hope of any kind that I cherished this interaction with this man. I want to be in this moment for a while so I wrote about it and shared it with you. I want to find myself again and for a very brief time speaking to him, I saw her. Her light was strong and bright and blazing.

It’s been too long dull and it startled me that she showed up out of nowhere like that. Now I know she’s still in there and I had almost started to believe she was lost to me entirely. My heart has been playing cruel tricks on my mind because it’s battered, bleeding and broken. But maybe that’s finally starting to heal.

In The Chem Lab – Part 1

On the subject of Chemistry…

As I’ve been noodling over chemistry from my last post and really trying to understand what I loved too much about what Tony gave to me…a funny thing happened.

I found it.

This time, maybe because I was in such an aware state of mind, I had a more literal sensation of how and why it was happening and I learned something.

Before jumping to the end of the story where I tell you about the magic man I just met, we have to start at the beginning.

Forgive me for a long post or two as I analyze what’s going on. I know things can’t be concluded by what I’ve just experienced but it was truly enlightening for me to have such a primal awareness of what creates the elusive chemistry for me.

My bff was over on Friday, as we do each week now for a weekly brain dump. We had been talking about Matthew (see yesterday’s post) and she asked “how hard is it to find a good guy?” I’m trying to encourage her to think about dating (she’s not ready although 4 years a widow) so I share Bumble with her to better explain how internet dating works.

I don’t think it’s about finding a good guy – that’s almost too simple of a way to think of it. I think Matthew is a good guy. Rob was a good guy. They are just not my guys. People who don’t use the dating apps don’t realize what type of time investment we make to find a decent match. It’s not the simple act of swiping right and connecting with a good guy. Then you have to invest a little time in sussing out what you both want and who you are. Could be in the app, over text or phone – but the action to even determine if you found a good guy is a bit like a job, you need to work to figure it out. Sometimes it’s easy you realize they are wrong (no matter how cute!) quickly. Sometimes it’s less obvious, like Matthew and Rob. Either way, you make a lot of connections with who you have to assume has good intent and start there.

And all that is AFTER you swipe right! Lol.

I wanted to show her how it starts and what I look for. So we looked at the app together and I made some quick judgement calls: lives too far away, not educated, physically not my type, socio-economically not my type, not tall enough etc. I have my particular go-to’s for making a right swipe. So I made mostly left swipes and one right swipe. Matched instantly. Show her how to go back, better review my choice and decide if I would write a quick message.

In this case, he looked like a great choice from his photos and short profile blurb so I sent a very quick message, sure to include a question so he has reason to reply, and send it off.

She gave up hope at that point because she thought it was too much work. It is work. And sometimes frustrating work. But when you invest in anything it’s supposed to give results. Dating sometimes doesn’t give good results because it’s more like gambling in my opinion. You win some you lose more! Dating fortitude should have its own definition in the dictionary. There should be dating support groups. Realistic dating coaches (not the ones they advertise to find your Harvard grad billionaire)

Until you find ONE hopeful. And your faith in humanity is restored.

I’ve been happy with my dating since December. Rob and Matthew and even psycho Brian all taught me something I can take forward and refine. They helped me immensely by realizing parts of the Tony Magic can be recreated. The trick with Tony Magic is the whole package phenomenon (minus his being married, of course). I have taken time to analyze past relationships before, but not while in depression and physical recovery. My mind is pretty much a blank slate at the moment and it’s making my prior poor relationship choices become more obvious. I’m less willing to be hurt so badly again – which means I must stop myself before I get too deep. There is no alternative for me, it’s how I’m built. I need to invest in my own self-awareness sooner and listen to my gut. I suppose, in other words, with so little on my mind, I am paying better attention to making good dating choices.

Relationship Requirements – Refresh

*Note my original list was published in 2016 (I even included original comments) and I adjusted it today with some comments as I have been mulling over “Tony’s Magic”

I spent a lot of time compiling a list of all the “requirements” I had for the perfect mate.

Needless to say, my list was long. I realize this list is ridiculously long, but I truly can’t find an edit option.

1. A man who can think for himself
2. Strong shoulders (not in the physical sense though this is my favorite physical attribute)
3. Trust
4. Honesty
5. Respect
6. Calm communicator/great listener/sound advice giver (challenges me)
7. Not a complainer
8. Handsome and tall, generally I don’t like bald
9. Sexy and sexual
10. Intelligent and well-educated
11. Above 44 and under 55
12. Interested in me, responsive, caring
13. Witty sense of humour, can elicit belly laughs from me including in bed; gentle teasing and banter in both directions
14. Dominant
15. Gracious
16. Emotional generosity
17. Kind
18. Solid career/ambition/white-collar/makes money

19. Wants to spend his money, doesn’t worry about it all the time – definitely NOT cheap
20. Has traveled and has a desire to see the world, even better if they are more well-traveled than me.

21.  Puts me on a pedestal and is the wind beneath my wings – I know he loves and adores me

In addition to my own criteria, there is an article out there called “18 qualities every alpha female needs in a boyfriend” and you can see √ where most of these cross over to my list above:

  1. He someone you can tease and can tease you
  2. He challenges you
  3. He doesn’t get jealous
  4. He isn’t waiting on you but has his own plans
  5. He doesn’t air your dirty laundry
  6. He knows how to deal with your bad moods
  7. When he apologizes he really means it
  8. He’s moving at the same speed as you
  9. He doesn’t belittle you but he doesn’t put you on a pedestal either (don’t agree with the way this is worded, I want someone to hold up my pedestal!)
  10. He is someone who teaches but never lectures
  11. He makes you laugh
  12. He will call you out when you need to be called out
  13. He wants to be the wind beneath your wings (I call this holding my pedal steady)
  14. He isn’t the life of the party but is always there is you need to be carried home (don’t agree with this, I like the life of a party)
  15. His opinions aren’t irrational they are backed up
  16. He has dreams as big as yours (this isn’t hard as I don’t really have specific dreams)
  17. He knows when to drop it and when to address it
  18. He is a great listener but also expects to be heard

So when I looked at these two long lists again, I didn’t find anything that needed to be removed that was originally part of what I deemed important in a relationship, but I did adjust a few very minutely.  I could add more after Tony, but the goal isn’t to recreate Tony.

I think I have to add ONE I can’t seem to get right:

Must be single

So, why do I now say “Tonys Magic?”  Because, other than not being married, that bastard managed to hit every one of those things plus others I didn’t even know I cared so deeply about (like his ability to be such a good father that I learned from him and trusted in his parenting skills).

The hard truth is – I am deathly afraid I can never have that magic again.

What I need to reconcile is – maybe I DON’T ever – maybe he was THE ONE.  That sucks, but perhaps its the truth.  Either way, if its true or not, I can’t have him, he doesn’t want me and I must move on.  Period.

Dodging a Dating Bullet (originally posted 1/15/19)

*originally published 1/15/18 and disappeared

 

A friend of mine, who is also single, told me a few weeks ago, the dating websites were currently hosting a plethora of men….so I turned the apps back on and gave it a shot.

Rob (my 6’4″ date) ghosted me. I saw him in the city mid December, I text him a short note on his wife’s 1 year anniversary, and that was the last I heard from him. It’s too bad but it’s ok. I thought I would hear a holiday greeting, but no. He’s not ready and he’s not for me in any case.  Deleted.

There were, and this is no lie, at least 10 eligible matches that I was able to start speaking to. One by one they each fell to the wayside, but it was definitely more available men than usual! And I have my preferences set to 6′ and above and I still had a ton of matches. Was everyone looking for a NYE date?

It came down to 3-4 men I moved to text with.

Dan, who is so intermittent with his text that I gave up. We may never get started. He wants to schedule a phone call but is inconsistent.

Jack, who started of great but now that we are talking a bit more, I’m beginning to think he’s not for me.  Everything is really good in our chats, he’s clearly interested, but I’m not laughing unless I’m cracking the jokes. I will go on a date with him.

Brian, super promising Texan transplant. His accent reminded me of Bobby and we hit it off quickly. But he turned on a dime ….story ahead.

Brian and I matched on Bumble and he met all my initial criteria – a definite sense of humor, handsome, intelligent and nearby. Our first phone call last close to 2 hours and it was so easy I don’t even recall what we spoke about. But the day of the date things started to get weird.

After speaking to someone for close to 2 hours on the phone, I do expect a good morning text, or at least an early text confirming our date for later in the day. I got neither from Brian. At 4pm – when we had loosely planned to meet between 4-6pm, I got the first text that said he was in meetings til 5 ish. Ok, hall pass on that one – at least he was acknowledging me and I could now jump in shower. By the way, no apology for not texting sooner, just the text that read “in meetings”.

The next text came about 5pm “still stuck” and then once at 645pm “almost done, how are you?” Finally at 715pm or so (I had showered but didn’t dress or put on makeup) I received a text asking me to come to him. Now, all my girlfriends have a rule – first date they come to you, period. So I knew I was breaking dating code if I went to see him. But, I was mostly ready and I did want to meet him. Drinking didn’t matter much, so I agreed.

It only occurred to me upon my arrival the place he selected was the place I met Tony (Bennett). I had a momentary reflection and moved on. It had no impact and I was glad of it. That had all the makings of ruining my night.

We hit it off in person quickly, laughing and conversing quite easily. He was better looking in person and had a gentle mannerism. He wanted to touch my hands and leg and I found him very appealing. The time slipped by. He asked if I would like to go to a different place for another drink and I agreed. We kissed a little on the short walk over and he held my hand. He also said he wanted to absolutely see me again. Everything was going well.

On reflection, this is why I should stop first dates from going to long. When I connect with someone, it’s pretty obvious and fast – but it over accelerates the attraction and moves us forward too fast. Had I ended the date then, I’m sure I would have seen Brian again. But it didn’t even cross my mind.

We went to the second bar and he asked some sexual questions. Not too probing but I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in talking about it much on our first date. That’s when he started to ask me to come back home with him, even if it meant just to sleep. If I had been drinking more I would have said yes. I didn’t. I said a clear no and that I wanted to go home. He was also exhausted and a little drunk.

As we walked out of the bar, he headed in the opposite direction of my car and I pulled him back indicating my car was the other way. He pulled me forward and motioned across the street indicating his home was around the block. We stood still.

I think I was evaluating if I would go or not. Either way, in my head, I needed to get to my car first. He saw my confusion as refusal to listen to him and began to get angry, telling me I didn’t need my car. But I was processing that even if I went with him I wanted my car. Before I could get through my own head, I felt him drop my hand in frustration and watched his face change. At that point I made the comment “did you want me to come back with you or not?” And his reply was “now I’m thinking I don’t” and with that, I turned around and walked towards my car. I never looked over my shoulder.

His face had gotten ugly angry and in the briefest second I got uncomfortable. By the time I got to my car a couple blocks away I had started to cry. So many reasons for the tears surfaced: I was scared and anxious, sad, confused and lonely.

I think I did the right thing, there was a meanness to him at the end that I couldn’t identify until that last moment. The type of mean that could have ended up hurting me (not intentionally) because he wanted what he wanted and wasn’t listening to me. Maybe my cues are off, maybe I’m misleading. But he was no gentleman ultimately.

Good chemistry matches are hard to come by, so I was sorry it happened this way but I do think I dodged bigger damage ahead with Brian.

Thank you, next.

P.S. Do you know the way my addled brain works, I am actually sorry it turned out that way because he had so much promise.  Argh.

What Makes Chemistry?

Ya, I know no one really has the answer to that. It’s different for all of us. It’s been on my mind quite a bit lately.

I met Matthew about 2 weeks ago, everything looked great on paper. Conversation on the phone was good and then we met for a drink and dinner. He was what I expected. We had a lovely time. Matthew is kind, handsome, generous, single, a good father and has a great job. But something was lacking. He said a few times his friends found him so funny but I didn’t get that from him. He was also the type of parent that was judgmental (my sweet boy doesn’t do THAT!). That irks me a bit. And there is something effeminate about him which I can’t quite put my finger on.

Today, as I was telling my best friend,she noticed I was making faces when I spoke about him. She concluded I wasn’t into him enough and should end it. I even felt the same writing this post. He’s not for me, but he would be good for me. What I’ve done so far hasn’t worked so I am consciously trying something different.

However, I’m not getting over whatever is lacking in chemistry to actually experience the good stuff.

Matt has already asked me out for valentines (I declined as I already have plans with my bff). He’s brought me flowers. He texts and calls every day. He is consistent and kind. He wants a full, communicative relationship. He never crosses any lines sexually but asks just enough that it’s appropriate. He loves to hold my hand, pay attention and kiss me. He is a good listener. He’s a fabulous kisser.

Like I said, pretty much everything I have been looking for, especially in the attention department.

But…I’ve been up nights with Tony on my mind since I’ve met Matthew. Something in my subconscious is working overtime. What is it? Is the red flag there and buried? Am I trying to get to a grain of truth I’m not seeing?

I vowed to give him another shot – a date outside of a restaurant/bar and spending more quality time together. I am attracted to him. He would be kind and considerate of my medical history, depression and scars.

I don’t have any butterflies with Matthew, but I didn’t have them immediately with Rob either. It wasn’t until I brought Rob to my family party that I got excited about him, but that was more about finally feeling human again and loving how he just “fit in” so easily. Rob wasn’t where I needed a man to be intellectually….he wasn’t a dumb guy, but when I say intellectually here’s what I mean –

Taken from an article on Bustle:

“Intellectual compatibility is when both people are mentally stimulated by the same conversations,” relationship coach and expert, Jenna Ponaman, CPC, tells Bustle. This doesn’t necessarily mean you both need to have the same IQ level. It simply means that you both have the capacity to indulge in deep conversations that become mutually interesting for the two of you. 

According to Ponaman, this is important to have because it will shed a light on how compatible you are in other areas of your relationship. “For example one person may be sexually compatible with their partner, but if they don’t find them interesting on a more intellectual level, the ability to make this a thriving lasting serious relationship is slim,” she says. In other words, it’s really hard to make a relationship last if you and your partner have nothing to talk about.”

I didn’t have enough to talk about with Rob that engaged us both enough to continue. Sure he was SUPER handsome, kind, generous and HOT, but we were not on the same page.

As I wrote that – and after the conversation with my friend today – I realize I have to tell Matthew it’s a no go. I thought we were intellectually compatible but I realize when he’s talking I get bored super quick. And I’m not laughing.

Oh I hate this part but the less time I waste the better. And to coin Ferns phrase, it’s good when I give no fucks. I make better decisions.

Blog posts where I answer my own questions are the best!

I Decided – Trixie Post

*Written last week

I made up my mind. I have decided to contact Tony’s wife. I have been reading and reading like crazy so many opinions about do/don’t contact and why.

And I finally decided I am never going to be at peace until she hears the truth. I asked him many months ago, before I had my breakdown, to tell her. He promised he would. This was the only way I could avoid having this obsessive need to tell her myself.

He didn’t.

Here’s my email to her:

Hello Kelly,
I am sorry in advance for the disruption this email will cause.  
I am writing because I had an affair with your husband for approximately 2 years from 6/16 – 4/18.  
I have tried to avoid contacting you, but have realized I needed to do this for myself. We fell in love and when he decided to stay in your marriage, we were both unable to let go for a time and then, ultimately, I was the one who couldn’t let go. I have been suffering a deep depression which led to harming myself.  
I needed to finally stop hoping one day he might change his mind and just give you the facts about Tony.  
It is up to Tony to honestly explain to you what he’s done throughout your marriage, and who knows about it. I can provide any proof you need from me but thought keeping this email to the point was best.   
Madeline

If you are curious what changed my mind it was this website:

https://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2016/10/05/should-i-tell-his-wife/

And a website called Chump Lady.

*written today

I guess I hadn’t decided because something is stopping me from sending it – and believe me that send button has been under my thumb more than once this week.

I’m just sitting on it. Perhaps the feeling will pass. Perhaps it won’t.

I realize there is no gain from this text to his wife. I try to keep mulling over in my head why I feel so strongly about outing him. I know part of it stems from pure rage that he gets to live his life free and clear after 20 years of continued cheating and the wreckage he left of me.

Then I think: who cares.

If I could surgically remove these thoughts and feelings of him I would opt to at this point. I would even go back to Mexico! (Not ever!)