Freakishly Far Out of My Comfort Zone

I can’t even believe I am about to type out this story, and it does made me giddy happy in hindsight.

I had a Peloton class on Valentines Day, then plans for brunch with the girls to follow. A normal Friday for me.

As we were waiting for our class to start, the previous class lets out. People hang around waiting to get photos with the instructors and a handsome, very tall man just happened to be standing in front of me. My friend and I noticed him at the same time because he looked like he may have just died in the class because his face was so red! My friend made a funny comment and we began chatting.

Every single hair in my body stood at attention. I was immediately attracted to this man. His appearance, his smile, his voice, the way his eyes lit up when we engaged him. Bang. Hard and fast immediate attraction.

Wow.

I don’t know when that’s happened to me last. My x husband in 1991 maybe? Sure, it happens on a date when I have seen a photo, spoken to the person and then I’m excited to meet them – and it only gets better in person. But this was in the wild – entirely unfamiliar to me. At first I didn’t even know what I was feeling, I just knew I wanted to talk to this guy, even after my friend walked away. Slowly I realized he was feeling the same. But why wasn’t he asking for my name? I got distracted when he stepped away for his photo and our class was called in. That was that.

Until after the class, when we were at brunch, and my friend asked what happened. She saw the sparks flying. I was sad to admit nothing happened and bummed he didn’t ask for my name. I had looked for a ring and he was wearing none, so it registered he was potentially single, but it all happened so quickly and when they call you into class, you have to go.

We tried to figure out a way we could determine who he was. Our Peloton community for the tread isn’t that big yet and it might not be that hard to determine who he was. The ladies gave me some suggestions, but I wasn’t seeing how I could contact him through Peloton other than following him on the leaderboard. I knew he was from out of town in any case and was leaving early the next morning to visit his son in college.

As it turned out, one friend left something back at the studio and we needed to return to retrieve it. As she looked for her item, I logged in to the studio class at the studio (so you can see who was in the class IN the studio) to see if I could identify him. I’m sure privacy issues apply, but if you don’t want to be found, your screen name shouldn’t be as obvious as your real name! His leaderboard name was his real name and location, so I knew, by location (his was unusual) that it was him. I followed him immediately. I had to assume he would know it was me by my photo.

My friends, and the studio team, were super stoked – finding a Peloton man in the wild was exciting! But, we had no idea if he was single or not. As we headed home, one friend did some google searching for me and he came right up. All his story checked out, but it appeared he was married. As soon as I got home I found him on Facebook and was able to see his profile because we shared a common Peloton group. Bingo. I could now contact him.

As I was sitting there stalking, I saw he followed me back on the leaderboard. Talk about a little rush of adrenaline! It opened the way for what I did next.

I stepped way, way, way out of my comfort zone and took a chance. All the while wondering how I would feel if a man stalked me like this. I literally couldn’t help myself. I needed to know who this man was.

I sent him a FB message. I was blunt and straightforward. “Hi John. ok ,sorry if this is stalkerish….we met this morning at the tread studio….you just made me laugh so I looked up your LB name and then FB popped right up from the Peloton page. Not sure if you are single or married, I noticed you didn’t have a ring on, so don’t want to over step…Madeline”

His reply, within minutes: So good. Text me (phone #)

So, I did.

Here were the first few text:

M: Hey it’s M. I am a complete Pelo-stalker!

J: You don’t even know what I was thinking this AM. I was completely attracted to you.

M: Was? Over it already?!

J: Still do. OMG. I was trying to look for a ring but couldn’t figure it out. Where are you now?

M: I’m home. So, no wife or girlfriend then?

J: No. I can’t believe you left. Why didn’t you take a picture with me?

M: I don’t live in Idaho. You didn’t even ask my name.

J: I felt so awkward with your friend there. Where are you from?

M: I can’t believe I just Pelo-stalked you. I have crossed the crazy line.

J: I love it. I think its great. What are you doing tonight?

So, as you can guess, we made a date for the evening. He chose the place and it was perfect. He text me the rest of the afternoon, entirely engaged. Kept asking me where I was if I didn’t respond quickly enough and showing a lot of excitement to meet me. He expressed that he was dying to meet me and he was beyond attracted. It was endearing and not crass. I was singing and dancing when I was getting ready. I hadn’t been this excited for a date in a long while.

He gave me his full name and LinkedIN (not knowing we had already done all the ground work!) We chatted back and forth while I got ready to go back into the city to meet him.

I had to break a dinner date with a local girlfriend. I see her all the time and the plans were loose, but I haven’t heard back from her since I text her so I suppose she is mad at me. I had to follow this through. The energy I felt with him was incredible for such an instant.

He had a business meeting at 4pm and asked me to arrive by 4;45pm. I was a bit early at 4:50pm and I could see he was still in discussions. It was awkward, but I walked over to tap him on the shoulder and he asked if I could give him a few minutes. It was an unfortunate start that took off some of the shine, and I don’t know who felt worse about it – him or I. I waited at the bar and ordered myself a wine. He came to get me perhaps 10-15 minutes later and apologized and gave me a huge bear hug. Akwardness gone.

We spent about 4 hours sitting in one place talking. We laughed easily, we talked about many things, and we were both engaged. However, I didn’t feel the same intense pull from him that I felt in the studio. I felt the same, just didn’t feel it in return. He wasn’t doing or saying anything contrary, its just what I felt. I learned a lot about him that would make him less than an ideal match for me, the biggest difference being that he lives in South Dakota! He is basically a highly educated, well-bred, well-spoken, affluent redneck! He spoke about his cattle like one would speak about a lover and I hate animals. He spoke abut the flat, starkness of the land and the peace of sitting looking over his working farm and I like cities and hustle and bustle. He wear cowboy boots and a cowboy hat and I wear Louboutins and all black urban clothing. He is diabetic and doesn’t drink while you all know how I love my wine. He is separated and not yet divorced but they live apart for 1.5 years. Are these red flags or are this just differences? In the past, these would all be red flags for me.

He lives too far away. South Dakota doesn’t even qualify as a place I want to visit, where is South Dakota?!

Cowboy hats in the city? Yes, its sexy. Once. (but, OMG he was HOT in his hat and it brought me all the way back to Bobby wearing his cowboy hat!)

Animals? Oh hell no. I’m scared to death of all of them.

Hunting? A double hell no to dead animals.

Diabetic? I don’t know if I can handle the limitations.

Being at peace with the land? Boring. Bring me the city lights.

Chewing Tobacco? Now I understand why your teeth are brown (and I, unfortunately, blurted that one out)

Yes, I’m sill confused. I’m still drawn to him and its not a sexual thing. I just want to be close to him and know more about him. (KDaddy – you see, I’m trying broad new horizons here!)

Time rolls by and he mentioned he needs to leave to walk his neighbors dog. What? Wait. Your neighbors dog in SD? Nope, he has an apartment in the city.

Ahhh, maybe not such a redneck after all. I go through this with him to find he’s here abut every 2 weeks for work. Sometimes longer. His family is local (as is the x), his son is in VA in college, and the daughter in SD in college. His son will be working in the city come this summer, so he intends to be here quite often. He is absolutely a redneck at heart, there is no doubt of it. But, he has a very broad high level role that takes him traveling all over the nation and world. This is the most interesting dichotomy I have come across in a man. Im fascinated while wondering what the hell is drawing me to this man!

He tells me he doesn’t want the date to end and it caught me by surprise. I genuinely didn’t know. That is rare. I can usually pick up quickly if a man is attracted to me (beyond physically). I was caught off guard and told him so – he seemed surprised that I didn’t know how attracted he was because he hadn’t stopped staring at me all night.

Honestly, I was baffled. He never made above to touch me. Yes, he was looking at me all night, but staring? I didn’t feel that way. He never, not even once, crossed any lines beyond friendly. I really just felt like we had a super lovely time but no indication he was interested in seeing me again post the date until the moment he asked me not to leave him.

He hesitated and finally asked if I could come back to his apartment, then paused, and admitted he knew that was wrong but he didn’t know what else to do and he really had to walk this dog. The neighbor had started texting him more frequently in the past hour as he hadn’t replied to her with a photo of the dog. I suggested we just find a bar close to his apartment and park me there, he could walk the dog and come back to me. So thats what we did.

When we got in the uber I was very surprised how he leaned over to pull me in for a deep kiss. Oh my. Such a good kiss. And such a surprise.

We drop him at his apartment and then I head to the next bar. And here’s where I made an error in judgement. I drank too much. I was done at the first bar, three glasses off wine over the course of 4 hours was plenty. I didn’t need another glass, but because I had to sit and wait for him, I ordered another. Then when he arrived, yet another. The last one tipped me over to uninhibited. I became sexual.

We were joking about something and I picked up on innuendo and said “blah blah you can’t jerk-off like that” and he nearly died of shock. He asked me if I literally just said “jerk-off” in everyday conversation. I took it a step further and asked what other words I shouldn’t be using in everyday conversation and eventually we got around to something like “Fuck me harder, John.” I thought he was going to die on the spot and I couldn’t stop laughing. The error in judgement wasn’t that I didn’t get us both hysterical laughing, or that he thought I was crass….wasn’t that at all….but he had been so respectful all night and something inside of me needed more validation than the words at the first bar that he was absolutely attracted. It wasn’t enough for my ego that he didn’t want the night to end. I had to push it in a direction I knew I was more in control of the outcome. I am so angry I allowed this to happen, and didn’t really understand until hindsight why I let it go that way.

Now the poor man was turned on. I don’t think he knew how to handle me. I know he was fascinated and in that moment he reminded me of Tony. When we kissed goodnight, I could feel just how turned on he was.

But then, something. Something else unwelcome. I felt like I made a mistake as I got into the car. I don’t know what or why but its just the feeling I got.

I text him when I was in my own car on the way home, to thank him. I got back a few one word answers until I finally said “did something go sideways at the end? Did I say something to freak you out?”

I was pretty sure he fell asleep at that point so I didn’t see the reply until I woke the next morning. “Sorry, fell asleep. All good”

I waited til about midday to reply when I hadn’t heard more from him. Asking him if landed safely as he was traveling to his sons college. No reply. All day.

Now I’m sure I’ve done something wrong. I sent another text later in the evening. I’m so angry at myself for being unable to let things go. I am unsure how I even feel abut this man so why am I pursuing?

Why? Because I had to know why he went from texts all day Friday, words that indicated he was interested in more, and then – nothing all day Saturday.

He did reply to my second text, briefly. And the next change went like this:

J: Sorry. Just got done with the game now. Just a crazy day. Heading to dinner now.

M: ok. Your’e sure? If something did change, you just need to ell me what’s up.

J: Just a long day getting here with delays etc. Heading to eat now.

M: ok, maybe we can chat later if you’re up to it.

J: yes! Sounds good.

(later)

J: Still out catching up with my son.

M: Thanks for letting me know. I’m headed to bed myself. Text me tmrw?

J: Yes. So tired. I’m up past 9:30pm two nights in a row!

(the next morning)

J: Morning. Headed to services then bowling then airport, busy day!!!

M: Good morning! Enjoy church and bowling. Text me when you’re settled in airport.

The best I can infer is that he is interested and got the message he had fallen down in communication with me. I had my little foot stomp I suppose and I’m over it. If he continues to communicate, great. If not, I’m still glad I pursued the energy and had a date with him – we did have fun. I didn’t sleep with him, or even go to his apartment. At least some boundaries stayed intact for once!

This is going to be difficult if it move forward, thats clear. But, I am hoping gives me the opportunity to meet him again when he is back a week from now. The communication would need to sustain in the meantime, of course, so let’s see how it goes.

Also, a little more FB stalking in my anger phase leads me to believe there is quite a bit more to his separation story than he shared. He had a LOT of very positive posts about his wife right until 1.5 years ago, so I wonder how it all fell apart. Yes, he gave me a version of the story for a first date, but I’m curious to know why she wanted a divorce when he was clearly in love with her (according to FB posts and you always know how true those are! lol)

More to come? We shall see.

Douchebag Jim

I’m giving away the ending with the title.  Oh well.

I think I could write a series on this one event, honestly  This one threw me for a loop.  But, I also still haven’t learned to write in an edited fashion and tend to write out every detail, so I’m going to try something different with this post.

This is a GREAT reminder that I should ALWAYS trust my instincts.  I could have done worse, BUT, I still didn’t listen to the little voice inside that told me he wasn’t for me. Before I was sick, I didn’t see so many of the red flags that I pick up so quickly now.  Now, I see them and tell myself “maybe I should give this person a chance.”

Wrong.

I’m doing that because I’m lonely and it leads to nothing.  I am trying to fight this deep seated loneliness (of course compounded by the fact I have no job and that makes me feel worthless) and I do better some days than others.  I am losing my tolerance for these complete assholes lately, and there are so very many of them in the dating world.  Which is also why I think I’ve given the sort-of-too-boring (for me) men a chance more recently – though that hasn’t worked well for me either.

I met Jim (Jim2) just about a week ago on Bumble.  We matched, we text on the app a bit and exchanged numbers.  We spoke quickly on the phone to arrange an unusually fast date.  He lives in the city but was coming to a town close to me for a business meeting and would I consider meeting him for a very quick lunch?  I agreed and found a place for us to eat and would need to drop him at his appointment post lunch.

Jim checked all the boxes, on paper, all but one  – he wasn’t specifically appealing to me because he was a redhead, but I wasn’t going to eliminate him because of it.  When I met him, I was attracted and that was all that mattered.  He was 6’1″, lawyer turned investment banker, 57 years old, moved to the city 6 months ago, 2 older boys in college, ex wife of 10 years lives in another state, charming, very educated, gregarious and ambitious.  Not exactly funny, but we did laugh together.  This was off to a very good start.

Now here’s where I am going to try something different with my writing so I’m not literally mapping out every minute of my dates.  Bear with me if the style is awkward, I’m trying….

Our lunch went well and we hit it off.  He asked me for the next date before he left which was so refreshing. He kept in touch by text, but nothing over the top.  I ignored the little cues I was picking up in favor of the fact he wanted to meet again quickly and I enjoyed my time with him.

So, what were those cues:

  • The kiss was off.  Not bad, just slightly off.
  • He spoke immediately how he wanted a travel companion for upcoming travel.
  • He referenced often how compatible we were too quickly.
  • He mentioned I had great, sexy legs when I was wearing an outfit that you actually could never tell what my legs looked like (with sneakers no less!)

The next day, during text, he told me he had to go to Denver for business and wanted to convince me to come for 2 days to go skiing.  I didn’t jump at the chance, but I did ask my entire tribe of family and friends and everyone thought I should go, assuming our next date went well.  However, I had a lot of scheduling conflicts I would have to move around (an unusually busy week for me) and I didn’t have any ski clothes that would fit, so I had to ask a lot of people to see who might have something I could borrow. We spoke about it on the phone a bit more and my mind began its machinations to move mountains to join him for a coupe days skiing, assuming our second date went well.  The bottom line, if I were to agree to go it wouldn’t be super easy to get it all together, but I could do it.  Skiing was super appealing to me.

The second date was easy too coordinate and came together well.  He chose a wine bar conveniently to where I was in the city (thoughtful on both counts) and had already chosen the second bar we could try.

When he walked in, there was no tingle.  For whatever the reason, I wasn’t excited to be with him.  It wasn’t intentional, but it was an internal let-down for me.  In any case, the night was young and we got to chatting.

Things that went right:

  • We both liked wine and he was happy to choose the wine and made a great selection
  • He is easy to talk to  and seemingly transparent
  • He spoke often about his family and friends
  • He spoke highly of his children and didn’t speak negatively about his x
  • He was full of compliments for me
  • He was publicly affectionate

Things that caused pause and then full-out raised the red flags:

  • He was overtly publicly affectionate, all he wanted to do was kiss.  The kissing went from pretty good to ok, to not good at all by end of evening.
  • He talked so much about his life he neglected to ask about mine
  • He was planning all our future trips together
  • He began talking about sex, despite the fact I prefaced (after his first comment) it wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.
  • He “just had” to tell me how big he was.
  • He kept saying “when you meet so and so”

So, I have to evaluate….if I liked him more would the red flags have been ignored?  I have ignored them in the past for sure.  I would have jumped at the inference in his words – talking about the future together.  But not this time.  Something was off from the first date and it just went more off in the second.

BUT I STAYED.  This is where I question myself.  I can’t seem to just walk away and end a date.  Perhaps in the back of my mind I was thinking that if I was going to spend two days with him skiing that I really needed to be sure, really sure.  At least, thats what I’m telling myself in hindsight.

As we wrapped up our time in the second bar, he explained to me that he had gotten a hotel room because his son and friends had camped out in his 1 bedroom apartment.  This was just weird.  I knew this meant he expected me to stay with him and he had made a predetermination that that it would happen before we even went on  the date.  It bothered me yet I did nothing about it.  We went back, had some street pizza and then I ultimately caved to going to his room.  I knew I had drank too much and didn’t want to pay for the uber.  I convinced myself that he would hold true to his words and not try to convince me to have sex with him.  I made myself quite clear with words, but the action of going to his room is all he understood, right?

The night did not go well and my behavior wasn’t so great.  We crawled into bed and I left on my top and panties and he left on his trunks.  We cuddled and he kept trying and trying to move it forward despite the many times I removed his hands.  Eventually, we fell asleep and then, at some point,  he forcibly woke me mid-night to try again.  This angered me because I wasn’t sound asleep but made zero indication that I was willing to wake up.  I had to physically roll away at this point.  Morning came and we once again cuddled , but then he took my hand to his cock to “show me” what I did to him.  I pulled away and got out of bed.  Time to go.  I had had enough.

Before I got dressed, though, I made an apology.  I had gotten my period and was entirely uncomfortable being in bed with him (partially true – though the greater truth was that he made me uncomfortable).  I also had horrid night sweats and leg cramps that evening.  I was just terribly uncomfortable all around and I did push him away multiple times, and not gently.  I apologized because it wasn’t nice and would leave anyone wondering what they did wrong.   I believe I expected him to then fess up to being overly aggressive with the sex but he didn’t.  He just said he was glad I stayed because I had too much to drink the night before and that I should have shared the details with him earlier.

He came to get coffee with me and get me on my way.  I asked him if he wanted to look at flights while we were getting coffee and got brushed off -I knew in that moment he was done with me, despite what I thought or felt.  Asking bar the flights was intentional, I had started to sense the change from the moment I pulled my hand off his cock.  However, he text me later than day to say he had a good evening and hoped to see me again which caught me off guard.

I waffled.

How much of the evening went sideways because of how I felt, and how much went sideways because he was really a douchebag?

Well, the answer became clear by the next morning.

I replied to his text within the hour and never went back to check until the next day when I realized I never heard from him again.  The text wasn’t in imessage blue but was green.  I  knew I had been blocked.  So I sent it again and it went to green immediately.  I called his number for verification and it went straight to voicemail.  He had sent a text to ask to see me again and then promptly blocked me!

Here’s the thing – it was all so wrong and I had the gut feeling the entire evening.  I was proud I finally didn’t have sex when I didn’t want to and I felt better about myself the next morning.  I should have been more honest and told him immediately that it wasn’t working for me, but I waffled.  I waffled because I am so fucking lonely and its distorting my ability to make better choices.

The night we spent in bed was horrible.  Worse than the night I spent with my sympathy sex guy Chris  .  At least Chris didn’t push me the way Jim had.  During the evening with John, I really got to a point where I didn’t want to be touched or kissed by him at all – YET, I questioned MY OWN BEHAVIOR the next day.

I was pretty angry to realized he was such a douchebag to block me without having the courage just to say “no thanks.”  I don’t understand a 57 year old man being such a complete coward.   Of course, it made me feel like shit and begin questioning myself all over again.  In hindsight, despite his words to the contrary, he was only out for the sex.

Me being me, I sent a burner text the next day telling him what a coward he was.  No point in doing so, but it made me feel better to have the last word.  It was a polite text, mostly.  Then I blocked and deleted his number – not that I would expect a reply – but to be sure I never had any need to communicate with him again.

There was just so much nuance to this date that I didn’t capture in an effort to make the post shorter, but thats mostly it.

What have I learned?

Trust my judgment, I am not usually wrong.  Stop feeling guilty for no reason and stop being coerced because I’m lonely.

 

 

 

Steve – Non-Drinker Date #3

Steve is super cute, but pulling conversation from him might be worse than pulling a tooth.

We had a nice first conversation, but I had to pull it out of him at first.  We eventually landed on a really interesting topic that got us both chatting for a long time about something semi-serious.  We agreed to meet.

I gave him a chance because he was interesting, kind, smart, handsome and lived close by.  He wasn’t funny and it was harder to engage him than I preferred.

When he arrived at the restaurant he surprised me a little because he was even cuter in person, if a little slight for my taste.  He also sat down and ordered…hold on to your horses…a drink!  Did I apply some kind of peer pressure? When I asked him abut it and he clarified he didn’t mind having drinks when he was out socially, but he just did’t drink much.  Ok, so thats not a bad middle place to meet!  Better than no drinking!

We had no problem chatting away about anything as long as I led the conversation starters.  We shared some food which I always enjoy and I could tell he liked me.  When the bar began to close he asked me if we could find another place to go as he didn’t want the night to end.

I don’t know why I never say no to these things.  It was a perfectly acceptable time to end that date.

In any case, we went to a different bar for another drink.  We didn’t stay long because he want to make-out and asked if I would go to his car with him.  Such a teenager, but he’s like a little kid in many ways and I was a little buzzed at this point and I almost never say no to kissing.

Steve is, without a doubt, sort of clueless.  He needs (or wants?) a woman to lead the way, and since thats not my style, the making out didn’t last long or go far.  He’s a great kisser and we can leave it at that.  I don’t suspect he has much going on below the belt and I wasn’t super interested in investigating.

I have heard from Steve by text over the course of a week, but he doesn’t know (or again, want?) to engage much.  Its clear he likes me, but he really doesn’t start or carry a conversation so I’ve stopped trying – which means this fizzles out soon enough.  He has also had his child the last 3 weekends in a row which doesn’t sound like a 50/50 split to me.  I have met parents who want to spend all their free time with their children, and parents who like to have a bit more independence.  Steve is a Dad who will choose time with his child every time.  This also isn’t a great match for me as I have plenty of free time and I like my independence.  At first he seemed like he had a lot of “other activities” besides his chid, but from what I’ve seen over 2 weeks, it all revolves around activity with is child.

Should I consider going out again with him if he asks?

Some of my friends think he could just be shy ad I should give him a chance. I tend to believe I figure most of these guys out pretty quickly, but who knows, maybe I have it all wrong.

I would probably go out with him again.  If he should ever get around to asking.

And, NonDrinker #4 just stopped communicating, another ghost, so there won’t be any post about him.  My experiment with non-drinkers was a fail!

 

David – Non-Drinker #2

Well I didn’t even go out with David, it fizzled before it really got to take off.

David didn’t live close which would have been a challenge within itself.  He was sweet, friendly and kind.  We spoke a lot via text and also spent quite some time on the phone.  He was mild and low key, but I wasn’t sensing an immediate attraction from either of us.  We seemed like we would be fine as local friends, like mom and dad friends, but that’s ab out all I got from it.

When he told a story I had a hard time following it.  He sent text that would indicate a follow-up to something, but often times I didn’t get the original description of whatever the issue was. I found him a little flighty I guess.

Two things happened that sent us sideways.

I work out mostly every day and he seemed fascinated by this and asked a lot of questions.  I don’t mind this, but I often don’t talk about the cult of Peloton too early on as it will freak someone out who doesn’t understand it. It just so happened I was in the studio for a couple classes over the first week we spoke.  At one point, he sent a text out of the blue after a class that said “Why don’t you just date a Peloton person?”

Ok,  as we all know with text there is no intonation, but I read into that as a little dig.  Was he getting frustrated that I was so involved?  Was he actually questioning why I liked my Peloton community so much.

My reply was “Why would you say that to someone you potentially want to meet and date?”  Then I straight out asked if it was a dig.  His explanation was that if I was interested in dating that might be the easiest thing for me and there must be a lot of fit, single men and then, the clincher, “and we haven’t even faced timed yet.”  Yep, it was some weird dig, no doubt.  He was moaning about me being at the class when I hadn’t made the time to face time him.

I let it ride for the night it no answer.  Nor did I text the next day.  He finally sent an entirely random text on the second day around diner time “Ok, I have a new phone now and ready to rock and roll.”

I didn’t know he needed a new phone and I hadn’t heard a word into days – this is what I mean by confusing.

We text a few more times over the next few days and it fizzled away.  I don’t even know who text who last, and I didn’t bother to look.

So, no date with non-drinker #2.  He wasn’t making me laugh anyway.

Next.

 

 

Un-HINGEd

It’s rare I can be clever enough to make a play on words, but here you have it.

I recently read-installed the dating app Hinge. I had originally tried and deleted it last year because it was allll fake profiles. I don’t know how women are suckered into that nonsense. Men looking for souls mates, living off shore somewhere, always widowed and always having a kid in a boarding school which is so NOT an American thing to do. It seems like Hinge cleaned up their act catching these fake profiles so I tried again.

Now I’ve got a different issue.

When did the world stop drinking?

No, really? When? Why is this a relationship thing these days? Why has alcohol fallen into the same taboo arena as, say, drugs?

Yea, I’m kidding not kidding.

I didn’t drink while I was married and raising kids. We never really went out and my x didn’t drink. There was no down time that included alcohol unless I was with my young sister. That almost always includes alcohol once she hit post 18 years old. But before that, I drank randomly at a big party and never at dinner out or home. I just didn’t and didn’t give it a lot of thought.

Then separation happened and I drank copious amounts of alcohol and often. I found Prosecco to be my favored drink and knew where my “limit” was. It’s been 5, going on 6 years of alcohol consumption and I have no desire to stop. I like how a buzz feels. I like to get a little drunk. I like when my partner or friends and I get a little sillier because alcohol is in the mix.

Traditionally I would eliminate non-drinkers from my dating options. I have dated recovering alcoholics and can’t cope with their recoveries and mindsets. Not for me. But, I haven’t really tried dating someone who just doesn’t drink because “no reason” or “better health”. I don’t know if I should. I am suspicious of people who don’t drink. Is your fun gene broken?

I am not advocating alcoholism- far from it. But getting a little buzz from alcohol or pot is freaking fun. A lot of fun.

But would it make or break a dating relationship if I didn’t have it?

As it turns out, a dating hiatus turned into a little uptick all at once. 4 men. I matched and started texting with 4 men in the space of 2 days. I’ve met one so far. And, as you can guess from the intro to this post, ALL 4 don’t drink.

What are the chances?

Each one claims a different reason, none are recovering (or admitted) alcoholics.

Here’s what I think out of the gate. Every one of them is interested in my fitness lifestyle. Maybe more than I would like them to be in fact (more on that in another post -I feel like a fitness fraud). All of them are very fit, like I want to touch them, fit. (Yum)  Lol. None of them is particularly funny. Ugh. All of them are driven and brilliantly smart. All of them are Dads and divorced. 3 of the 4 asked for coffee or afternoon Sunday dates and I hate that.

So – all quite similar profiles.

Maybe Hinge went from the fake profile app to the no drinkers app? I don’t know but think it’s awfully strange.

Generally speaking, my quick eliminations will happen from no laughter, not showing enough interest in me (no questions) and no easy conversational engagement.  I think those are all normal things people look for in a companion.  Followed by no drinking and it seems clear I should cut them loose. But, maybe, and this is a big maybe – this is one of those things I have to take off my long, long list of requirements. Does it actually matter? Does it create a character flaw?? (IMHO, yes it is a reflection character) Do the drinking and laughing gene go together?

I’ve set out to find out.  I am going to speak and potentially meet these men.

This all has me thinking – have I given decent men enough time to engage with me or do I cut them off too soon? Everything feels like a red flag to me since Tony because no one is Tony. I don’t compare anymore or even think of him tbh, but it seems like that’s where it stems from.

I love laughing. Big gooey deep belly laughs. And I love drinking and getting even sillier.

Can I live without either of these?  Do they go hand-in-hand somehow?  And, if not, how has my brain come to equate that?  My x didn’t drink and he was a fucking funny as anyone in the beginning.  I mean, he is actually funny, just not my type of funny anymore.

The laughter shouldn’t be tied to the alcohol of course but I find it fascinating that the men (and women) in my life that don’t don’t drink are genuinely less funny! Is it a control thing? I may have to do some reading around this because I sincerely think the two can be related. I am totally being judgey over peeps who don’t drink.

So my next couple posts will be about the dates with these non-drinkers …. let’s see if there is any correlation.

Here’s the mini snapshot -who knows if any (or all) of these guys even make it to date #1 but I am approaching this for research purposes!

  1. John (gosh we may be up to John 3# at this point?): get ready for the doozy right off the bat – John is a Mormon and separated father to 5 kids ages 7-17.  He lives in the next town and is a former naval officer.  Asked me out VERY quickly,
  2. David: lives a but further away in the next state and is the divorced father to one son.  He’s quite sweet.  we have the best conversational (text) cadence of the 4.
  3. Steve: Divorced dad to a younger son, moved here from CO.  Local.  Doesn’t love to text and want to speak quickly so we will be seeking today.  Texts have been quite matter-of-fact and dry.
  4. Matthew: haven’t yet clarified if he has kids or was ever married, he lives close and we started a text conversation and he disappeared so it may have ended before it started.

I don’t advocate speaking to so many men at once, but when you swipe and match it just happens that way sometimes.  If they are worth speaking to I will continue a conversation and normally, which is sad but true that its normal, sometimes they just disappear out of the blue and you never know what happened.  Dating.

2018-2019 Dating Year in Review

Time flies when you’re having fun!  Or not.  I don’t know how much fun I actually had as compared to my earlier dating experiences.  Sure, there were some, but these past 18 months were absolutely more about self-actualization as it relates to dating.  How dull for my readers.  Where – oh – where did all the ridiculousness of M go?

Meh, I aged out.  Need to be less ridiculous and more mature in the hopes of actually finding a partner worthy of the woman I know I can be.

Still, boring.

A slow start did eventually pick up and I’ve absolutely arrived at a point of control.

It took almost 9 full months from when I started in late 2018 to find my mojo and begin to truly understand how casual sex, dating and relationships work for normal humans.

Not sure I’m normal, or ever will be, but there sure was a lot of progress this year!

First 10 Men in review from November 18 –  April 19:

1. Rob (6’4″)– November/December

2. Brian– January

3. Joe– January

4. Jack– January

5. Matthew– January/February

6. Anthony– February

7. Greg– February

8. Jack2– February

9.Craig– March

10. Duke– April

Not much wasted time or effort in there, but at least one crazy!  I learned a few lessons along the way.

The next batch finally broke through a dry year without sex, and really had me focusing on what was going to feel good to me:

11. August– April/May

12.  Ed – May

13. Tom – June

14. Dick Adjuster (Rob2) – July

Then, suddenly, not only had the dry spell been broken, but my libido came back along with a healthy dose of common sense on how to begin to manage my anxious attachment:

15. John – July

16. Mike – August

17. Tom – August

18. Charles – August

19. Rob(repeat) – September

20. Dan (repeat) – September

21. Marshall– September/October

22. Jim– October

23. John2 – October

24. Jon– October

25. Dan2 – October/November/December

26. Chris – November

27. Tom2 – December (never even wrote about this date!)

And so ended my year.

In hindsight, the only actual regret I have is Mike.  I do still think about him.  He hit all the buttons.  I recently saw him again on Tinder, but if he’s available he’s not interested in me since he never reached out again – he’s one of those I wish would come back.  BUT, I also know its probably no good for me should he come back because I already like him too much and he didn’t maintain any consistency.   I still can’t help but think what did I do wrong here?

What do I see when I look at this recap post?  Almost 30 dates and nothing is the first thing that comes to mind.  Too many wasted dates is the second thing that comes to mind.

But, when I allow the negative self-talk to quiet, I see lessons and growth.  A whole lot of growth.  Maybe its the growth I need to find my Mr. Right.  Maybe I haven’t been as ready as I think I am.  I still struggle to refine/reduce my requirements and I still tend to be very attracted to the same “formula” in a man.  What if that doesn’t change?

I suppose I will be waiting a very, very long time.

Getaway

I haven’t been writing because the truth is there’s just nothing going on. And when I mean going on – not that I don’t keep busy – but my brain feels empty. I feel a bit like I’m disappearing if that can be a thing.

I’m still feeling sorry for myself for all the same reasons prior to the holiday. I ended up so very sick before Christmas that I almost cancelled. The apathy was so strong and layering in a nasty sinus infection made me just lose interest. I was surprised at myself, but that’s where I landed. The apathy created a hole I couldn’t fill. I was feeling like no one really cared what I did or how the holidays went. It didn’t feel important. When I’m not feeling loved I just want to disappear into myself and be left alone – which simply makes it worse, I know that, but that’s what happens.

I ultimately had to convince myself that I would regret not doing all the normal Christmasy things so I found the energy to be present and do the things. I feel sad that the woman who took such joy in these things wasn’t around. A little death, if you will, for the old me. I was there but not in spirit. I’m don’t even think anyone noticed and just assumed I was sick.

Without a doubt I know I need attention. I’m not getting it. Not from my kids. Not from my friends. No partner. No job. A total lack of attention coming my way. It just compounds how crappy I feel. I stay as connected as possible to my Peloton groups because I do get a certain amount of attention there. I’m developing new relationships that start virtually but which I can continue IRL. It doesn’t replace my true long term friendships but it does create a sense of belonging for me. There’s a part of me that is saying “this is a false sense of belonging, you can’t belong to society virtually”. There’s another part of me that says “who the fuck cares, it makes you feel good where you have nothing and no one else”. I don’t know which side of my brain is even right at the point so I do what feels good. It’s a bit like blogging I suppose. Here’s my life in writing and some people interact with me creating connection.

Anyway, not even the reason I started this post. I think you will be proud of me regarding dating. I know I have finally gained a little control over myself. Maybe without all the stressors and pressures of real life I can more clearly see the shit my subconscious has done to me with dating and I’m able to put Trixie on complete lockdown. Not having a feeling of desperation is a relief frankly.

I shut down the dating apps right after Halloween and maybe before Thanksgiving. Somewhere in that period after the last date I had sympathy sex. It wasn’t easy because I needed my ego to be stroked over the holidays and wasn’t able to have that from a partner, even if they were temporary or incompatible partners. In any case, I succeeded in staying off until last week.

I had met Dan around Halloween and we’ve been on a few dates. He doesn’t live here so I’m at his mercy for travel. We already agreed there was nothing more or less to our interactions than enjoying one another. His lack of communication still aggravates me but I generally get over it as quickly as it comes. He shows zero interest until he can meet me and then makes plans. When I’m with him he’s totally focused. We have a fun time. The sex is really good. His cock is literally perfection. There is no depth to our connection.

I caved against my better judgement and asked him what he was doing for NYE hoping he would ask me to join him so I didn’t have to be alone. He originally thought it was a good idea and then decided he would be home (or rather available) with his (older) children. However, he did tell me he was traveling just after the new year and asked me to join him on a short vacation before his work event. I agreed.

So here I sit in the sun by the pool after a weekend of sex with him. He is here for a week and I chose to arrive early Saturday and leave Tuesday. That seemed like enough time to spend with a stranger I wasn’t interested in cultivating a further relationship with.

It’s definitely not easy for me to interact at arms length. I want the romance and silly engagement a love interest brings. But I KNOW that’s not what this is or what it ever will be so I keep reminding myself not to attempt to solicit it from him. I am certainly operating in a strange space. There’s no hand holding, cuddling and giggling. There’s a little of it, of course, but it’s not the constant engagement you get when someone really likes you. There’s a huge part of me that keeps thinking “why don’t you like me MORE?!” That’s the part that wants to see what I can do to engage him more. My common sense has prevailed and I haven’t done any needy moves at all. Not once. That’s why I think you would be proud of me. No tricks. No ulterior motives. I give back what I’m getting. We engage nicely, we laugh together, have really good conversation and we like to drink together. It leaves me wanting more but I think what stops me is I simply know I don’t want more from HIM. It’s a little hard at moments to not be sad I can’t have a normal dating relationship, then I remind myself that he likes me enough to have invited me to spend time in a beautiful resort, all paid for by him, and there’s nothing wrong with where I am right now. This is ok. My person will come.

I can be mostly at ease with him and just talk about whatever I want. I don’t have to worry about how I’m perceived in terms of keeping the relationship. In that respect it’s a bit easier because I’m not always thinking around the corner. I’m just enjoying the time. On the other hand, I can’t be the person I am in relationship that I really like – I like that girl who fawns over her partner and has love in her eyes. I like that connection, the attention and appreciation. I can’t even leave my eyes open during sex, looking into his eyes is just weird. Feels wrong. So I keep them shut, which also feels wrong but it’s the only way I can immerse myself into the feeling of simple sex and eliminate the “need” for heart felt connection. And the sex is really, really good so I am enjoying it immensely.

The whole thing is weird. Not as in wrong, just a new, strange experience. I feel like there “should be” more and I feel like I want more, but my brain is actively overriding my emotion and shutting that shit down to keep it where it should be. It’s an extended booty call.

Learning how to accept comments for face value and not look for more isn’t easy for me. Accepting there is nothing more coming is a new feeling and not a comfortable place for me. However, just like exercise, I now understand I’m going to grow because of the discomfort and that it’s ok to live in an uncomfortable space for a while.

We get on well. He’s really, really good in bed and has the most amazing body for a 52 year old man. He’s not bothered by my scars or loose skin and has clearly told me they don’t matter to him at all. He’s super smart so I enjoy our conversation. I’m not particularly attracted to him so there’s this part of me that wonders how I am managing that disconnect so subconsciously.

So here I am, sitting in the sun even though it’s a little chilly, writing this post and drinking my coffee. About to get motivated to get a workout in at some point today. Not thinking much which seems to be the only way I get through these days of late. Like I said, I feel like I’m slowly just disappearing.

Frame of Mind

It’s been a minute since I’ve written.

To be honest, I don’t have much going on.

Not much is going on. My sister got married and I’m glad the wedding is over and the relationship tips back to normal. I realized I didn’t feel very good through most of this prep. In some ways, I feel like an imitation sister. I’ve been adopted my whole life and never really felt quite like I did during the wedding. I felt like a throw-away, someone she had there because she had to, not because she really wanted to. I felt the strength of her connections with her friends and felt like an outsider. It’s not me she relies upon or me she calls for advice. I’m not even sure how to cultivate a better relationship with her exactly. I don’t get the sense it’s something she really wants – or wants more of. I’m unsure what I want from relationship with her. I suppose it’s just one more person I don’t feel important to and this seems to be a theme in my life.

I was asked to do a podcast, two actually. One was about life struggles and how individuals overcome them and the other is about strong, accomplished women. I finished the first one and found the process super interesting. In the first pass, I understood the interviewer wanted to focus on the Mexico story and travel weight-loss surgery. I was able to tell the sorry quite easily with no emotion and plenty of humor. In the actual interview, there was a significant change to my story because all my emotions were stirred up (made for a very good interview). The emotions caught me by surprise. I have pretty much buried Mexico and what happened to me. The horror of that experience is not something I want to revisit. I acknowledge I carry a great deal of shame for choosing weight loss surgery, wanting to die and subsequently what happened to me post surgery. In particular, I purposely try not to dig too deeply because of the one fact that continues to haunt me: no one came for me. Even when I begged, no one cared enough to come for me. I was dying at one point, I was terrified, and those closest to me couldn’t come.

Logically, I understand why. Emotionally, I can’t address it because I don’t see any other choice but to forgive them and accept what’s happened. They made a choice the same way I made a choice. I don’t think they didn’t come to penalize me, I just think they had other priorities. I don’t even know what I would have done had the tables been turned. Which leads me to a feeling I’ve buried most of my life and pushes me to the outskirts of my depression – I am not anyone’s priority.

We spoke about this in the interview and I definitely had a hard time working through this part of the story. In the end, we edited it out because I don’t want to upset the people who were there for me. And they WERE there. Just, perhaps, not physically. I am worried if I were to ever express the truth of how I felt that I would be considered ungrateful. After all, Mexico was my bad choice and I should live with its consequences.

Since the interview I’ve been struggling with these thoughts because, like I mentioned, I’ve buried them pretty deeply and they simply only cause emotional distress for me. I also don’t see a way to resolve these feelings other than learning to accept what’s passed and move on.

But then there are days, and unfortunately there are many of them recently, where the thought of not being anyone’s priority eats me alive.

My long time closest friend, the Spanish speaker who translated Spanish for me while I was in Mexico, changed all my bandages when I was home, my maid of honor and godmother to my son, is always too busy for me. I never see her or speak to her and I’ve grown tired of constantly asking to see her. She finds time for what’s important to her and I’m not it. Now, if I really needed “help” she would be the first one here. That’s because she finds her own value in helping others. It’s great to have a friend like that, but I love her dearly and would like to connect with her more frequently than once a month. Mind you, I’m not working and I’m very flexible so it’s twice as upsetting when I have the time to spend with her and she basically can’t find the time for me.

My closest cousin, the one who was very busy working to get me out of Mexico and who probably invested the most time in figuring shit out while I was there, comes from a massive tight knit family. Her family will include me in many functions and I love to participate. I’m so happy when I’m with them and I always enjoy myself but I go through some sort of let down once I leave them. I find myself wishing that was my primary family. Once again I feel like I’m on the outskirts looking in.

My kids have really been much better than last year and I am VERY thankful for this change. I try not to push them too far forward too fast because, again, I don’t want to appear ungrateful for the strides they have made. Logically I know kids are kids and boys are boys, but I often feel that I hold no importance. I know this isn’t true and this is just my neediness. I want more demonstrative love and this is just not their way. They really have been good kids lately and I am trying not to put them down in any way because of my own neediness.

I still don’t have a job and there has been NOTHING to be found. I am so over my head in debt for the first time in my life that I am beginning to feel panic rising at the back of my throat. I keep telling myself I just need to get through the end of this year and things will change. I will find a job and be able to pay down my debt. It’s the first time EVER that I am truly scared about the debt I’ve created. People keep asking “what will you do?” And this is becoming frustrating. I don’t know. I don’t know what I will do. Am I wasting time not “doing something else?” I don’t even know what that can be. If I have to become a realtor I would rather die. I am good at my job and want to stay in my industry and would even consider relocation. There are just no jobs out there. Not even consulting ones. I am officially out of money by Feb 1st and have to take from long term savings to survive. This is creating an angst in me that I’ve never experienced. All of this makes me feel like I’m not worthy of being hired. I’m too old. I’m too expensive. (Even though I would take half my last salary). I’m over-qualified. I’m so disappointed in myself that it’s becoming very hard to remain positive.

Then there’s the dating, or better yet, the lack of it. Before I shut down the apps I knew I had hit a low point with my last sex date with Chris. I knew I had to stop what I was as doing because it wasn’t how I wanted to feel. There were two men, both from out of town, that I felt would make good on/off dates when they were here because I could keep them (or keep myself is a better way to say that) at arms length and not invest in the emotional chase. Sex with Dan is pretty good and we have a blast when I see him, but his communication is so horribly inconsistent I still end up aggravated. The other guy, Tom (don’t even think I wrote about him) started off well, we had two fabulous dates, and then his communication and attention plummeted. This is so fucking frustrating to me and puts me right back into the thought pattern of “why can’t I be anyone’s fucking priority?” Not even a small priority. I don’t even think priority is the space I’m looking for as much as just being someone they think about and WANT to reach out to sometimes.

I’ve gained some weight – which isn’t a bad thing but it’s fucking with my head. I had dropped so low, most would say too low for me, that I needed to regain some weight. But I haven’t stopped gaining because I haven’t curbed my eating. Even with all my cardio I’m not losing because I’m eating all the time. I don’t eat much at once but I eat all day. As you can imagine, this screws with my head after weight loss surgery. There was the sick part of me that liked being so thin. That liked seeing that low number on the scale. My goal was always 150 but I loved seeing 130. Sitting around 140-145 isn’t unhealthy but I don’t like it. I want to stay sub 140. That space felt good in my head for the first time in my life. I’m so sick of struggling with the numbers on the scale that I just want them to stay put. Weight loss surgery doesn’t cut out the demons. They are all still there and the effort it takes to quiet them is immense. The only time they recede is under that 140 mark. It doesn’t seem to matter that I’m actually in the best physical shape of my life, my arms look beautiful, my legs feel amazing and I love being stronger than ever and rarely out of breath anymore. The numbers on the scale fuck with my head worse than ever. Especially since I saw what I needed to see for the first time in 20+ years. That number on scale “helps” me forgive myself for the damage done to my body and how badly my stomach looks with its wounds and loose, hanging flesh.

Speaking of wounds, here was a little bright spot. When having sex with Dan, he gently kissed my wound. I knew it was intentional. He also made sure to tell me post sex that he loved my body and the wounds don’t bother him at all, he doesn’t even see them. I appreciated that immensely. I believe him also. It doesn’t change how I think about my tummy, but it does help to calm me down a bit, as long as I can get my weight back down.

So that gets to me to my current frame of mind: not good. Not good at all.

Not working, not dating, not having enough good, consistent sex, not having any money are all very bad places for me to be. My ability to not be depressed is quickly eroding.

I am doing what I can. I actively look for jobs and network. I continue to exercise – although I should be stepping up my game considering I’m unemployed. I bought a studio 10 pack so that I get myself into the Peloton studio and interact in person. I continue to support others in my accountability groups though recently I feel like I am being false. It’s an effort to Log into social media to be positive and emote positivity and gratefulness when I don’t feel it. I do logically understand I have much to be grateful for but I am horrible at making this a practice I believe in. It’s also why I push myself into my accountability groups the same way I pushed myself to get dressed In Workout clothes at the beginning – I will fake it til I make it. This is taking way longer than the 100 days I committed to making fitness a priority. Wayyyy longer.

This time of year warms me and depresses me all at once. I want a boyfriend. I want my person. I want the person who is going to make me a priority. I haven’t had that since pre marriage, since a childhood boyfriend. When I think about it I only feel more damaged and broken. There too many things keeping me down, and too many things making me feel like I’m not important to anyone. I know all about self love and it’s not working for me. Sure, I haves plenty of moments where I am doing a decent job taking care of myself and my family, but I don’t feel any reward in it. It’s. A horrible place to be as I think about this being the 5th Christmas and New Years that I will once again be alone.

When I Don’t Care Enough – Part 2

So, back to how I present on a date….I matched with a nice man and we text back and forth.  Turns out he doesn’t live here and comes for business at least once a month for a week.  He would be leaving in 2 days.  That left only one available night to meet if we wanted to see if we were a match.

The night I had scheduled for my Peloton classes. I am proud to say the thought NEVER crossed my mind to cancel my classes for the date. Two years ago, I would have turned my world upside down for a date. No more. They happen when they happen now.

I’m not for or against a long-distance relationship.  Its not my first choice, but I haven’t eliminated the options.  If the man was that good of a match, I could consider it – I am not tied to my location beyond the next 2 years when my youngest will graduate HS.  Even if there wasn’t a man involved, I do not see staying where I am forever. In any case, my thought process is so different now because I can meet a man for a date to have a nice date, have sex, and go home just as easily as I can potentially meet the man of my dreams. Now that I understand I need to just take each date one moment at a time, it’s much easier for me to disconnect my desire to have a partner from the desire just to go out and have a good time.

So, Dan2 and I matched and had been texting on the app.  We agreed to meet after my last class as he was in the city at a client dinner.  However, post my 2nd class, his diner ended early and he was getting tired.  Just before my 3rd class, he text that he didn’t think he could hold out til 10:30pm.  I sent a last text that said “I’m shutting down my phone as I enter class, I hope you change your mind, but I won’t see it until class is over.”

My 3rd class was with a new instructor who engaged with me quite a bit – she told me after class that the previous instructor text her and told her I was coming and I was cool.  🙂  Feels good to be a little on the inside so I soaked this up a bit before I remembered to check my phone for Dan2’s message.

He would wait for me.

Uh oh – I better get moving!

I was in full 80s Madonna costume – I had enough hairspray in my hair to ignite a Chernobyl size explosion.  It was crunchy and scary – how I did that in the 80s is beyond me.  Light a match and I would go straight up in flames!  I had on a lot of black eyeliner and a lot of heavy waterproof makeup (it had to make it through a shit ton of sweaty workouts!)  I had to shower without washing my face (I wasn’t going to potentially smell!) and leave my hair the way it was.  I only had leggings and a Peloton sweatshirt to wear with my trainers.  This is what I mean about not caring how I presented myself.

Basically, I take the chance he rejects me because of my appearance OR I have an opportunity to meet a man that I could enjoy the night with. I chose to believe we could have a good time.

Maybe I thought he wouldn’t meet me?  I certainly hadn’t given it thought before I left my home or I would have packed a change of clothes at least.

I was on such a high that I didn’t care what he thought.  He seemed to begrudgingly agree to one drink before he headed out to sleep before early morning meetings.

Ok, then, that’s good enough.

The confidence I felt from the evening exercise classes was making me feel like Wonder Woman. I could tell I would impress with my personality when I met Dan. I could feel the energy zipping through me and I aware of the feedback I get when I behave this way. It’s so interesting to me that I have this ability but can’t seem to call it up on command when I need it. It would be a super useful tool to have and would help immensely with all my body image issues.

I think you can guess, the night didn’t end with one drink.  I’ve gotten to the point where I know almost immediately when a date is going to go all night, or end quickly, but, actually, I didn’t get my spider-sense upon meeting him.  He was super tall, lean and “sort-of” handsome (honestly, I still can’t determine if I think he is or not).

Regardless of any of that – he was interesting  Really interesting.  The conversations just flowed and flowed and flowed and before we knew it we had each put a bottle of wine behind us as well as several appetizers and it was 1am. I truly enjoyed our dialogue and it was less traditional than many first dates – we just explored a lot of cool topics and he is super smart.

Here’s the surprising part, for me at least….not one kiss or touch the entire almost 4 hours together.  Not even an inkling of sexual chemistry. But there was an absolute connection. The energy had worked in my favor.

Very strange for me, indeed.

We went back to his hotel and the first kiss commenced.  I have no feeling about it one way or the other, it was a good kiss.  When he asked me up, I agreed, but still not feeling the typical craziness (or even drunkness) I generally have at this point.

Of course we had sex.  I didn’t come up to his room expecting any different.  But, the sex was different, for me at least.  I didn’t go out of my way to please him, or even explore him.  Just before undressing I stated simply that I had quite a bit of surgery and had a lot of scars on my belly that made me uncomfortable.  I then proceeded to strip down and out of my clothes entirely- a complete FIRST!  Go me!

Somewhere, deep deep deep in my head, I put the statement out to the universe and chose to let go. If I didn’t stay in my head full of worry about my appearance I would never enjoy the sex. I love sex. So I let go. When I took my top off and threw it to the floor, my inhibition went with it. He would have full view of the wounds and all the loose flesh.

He didn’t hesitate. Or I didn’t notice. Either way, forward we went.

His body was amazing for a man his age. Every ripple and muscle was accentuated. I have never been with a man as rock solid as this and now I understood the appeal. It was a beautiful thing to behold and enjoy. He made me cum very easily, and twice, which is also unusual for me. When he came up to have sex with me, and started to penetrate, I realized I had zero idea what his cock was like.

Holy fuck.

He was huge. My eyes rolled back into my head with pleasure. He was long and thick and knew exactly how to wield his instrument. I could tell he was holding back so not to cause any pain for me. He was big and we couldn’t go full throttle because of it but whatever we did was pretty fucking awesome.

Sex was fabulous and he asked me to stay the night but I just didn’t want to. I lie in his arms for some time before he walked me down to get my car.

The next day he called from the airport telling me he had tried to move his flight out to the next day but had been unable to do so. He also looked at his calendar and proposed several dates he could see me – not in my city, but where he could bring me to the city he was working in. He had clearly put some thought into how he could see me every other week. My old reaction to this would have been major excitement. Unwarranted excitement. This time I took it with a groan of salt and just discussed, rationally, what might work in the coming weeks.

He ended up suggestion to come back to my city in 2 weeks if he could.

As it turned out, he couldn’t make it back to me and his communication skills are sorely lacking. We had spoken about his style / my style before he left and agreed it could be a bigger block than anything else. He is single minded and focused on what’s he focused on when he’s focused on it. I usually hear something from him each day or two, but a text conversation generally ends abruptly with no follow up. We have nice phone conversations at random. Bottom line, he is unable to form any relationships based on his style and he admits to it. He can’t balance his life.

I’m glad I realized this and it doesn’t phase me. When I hear from him, I hear from him. When I don’t, well that’s fine too. We had a fun night, good sex, some amazing orgasms and I’m sure we will remain friendly for when he returns to my city. I don’t think he’s the right match for me in any case because of his typical communication style – it would drive me mad if the person I was seeing had freestyle communication skills.

Next.

When I Don’t Care Enough – Part 1

Sometimes, not often, I don’t really care about how I am going to present on a date.

There are some men who I get the sexual tension from quickly, and I want to impress those men with sexy heels and a hot outfit.  Other men don’t seem to give off the same vibe and I don’t get as excited about the first meeting and what I am wearing, and perhaps a little, how I look.  Frankly, I tend to prefer the men with whom I get the tension with – even if the date doesn’t get legs, the initial date and flirting is just more fun.  I love the sexual tension and I love to look sexy.  Especially now….sexy now is an entirely different thing than it was before.  My body requires little to no effort to appear sexy to a man who likes a lean, fit woman.  This is a major head trip, for me.  I love the fact that nothing is uncomfortable when I wear it any longer.  Most articles of clothing are going to look good on me no matter what.  I can wear heels all night long.  I’ve always had the feeling of “being” sexy, but now its much more prevalent since I am proud of my body  (well, the exterior, the wounds and loose skin get compartmentalized when I am getting dressed because they are under wraps).  I don’t think my behavior is any different, but removing the physical self doubt is a massive relief.

I did choose weight loss surgery after all.

And then I chose to take care of the gift of life I was given post all the trauma.  I’m super fit and lean now.  I feel better physically and find that the working out helps me redirect a lot of negative energy.  I never thought I would be the one to say it but I love how the fitness makes me feel now.  It has changed my life.

This is a bit long-winded story about how I didn’t care how I looked on a first date. I had matched with someone who wanted to meet this particular night.

I had planned to do something quite out of character for me – I decided to go into the Peloton studios and do 3 classes in a row, in costume, for Halloween.  Alone.  Why?  No reason at all.  More like, why not?  I could. I love my Peloton classes and getting in studio is always awesome.  Plus, not that I admit this to any of my friends or family, but there is probably some attention factor in here.  Going to the studio gets me noticed by my instructors and creates a more personal bond when you interact with them on social media.  When I’m not working, the Peloton social community is my primary source of accountability.  If I make a post that I will do something, I do it.  I don’t know how the logic of that works for me, but it does.  So when I feel like I need a little push to step out of a comfort zone, I post before I think about it too much.  Then I’m committed.

The classes started at 6:30pm and would end by 10:30pm.  It was a pretty big fitness commitment and when I am in studio, it also means a push effort – I don’t want to “take it easy” on myself in studio.   All classes have a “spotlight” bike, tread or mat.  In the past, I have chosen this spot knowing I would be on camera for the studio taping of the on-demand classes.   Unexpectedly, I ended up in this spot in 2 classes -in full costume – doing classes that were so far out of my comfort zone that I questioned the sanity of these spontaneous choices.  I did a 45 minute run (I have never run that long) and a 30 minute yoga class (I never did a studio yoga class and I can’t do half the poses).  Of course, in the end, it worked out amazingly well and I had a blast and did just fine.   I loved being on camera (sort of, off to the side and in the dark, but still! Lol)

I did trip on the treadmill towards the end! Whoops! No one saw, right?

It reminded me that I like the spotlight and the competition.  My personality feeds off these things, but I forget that it does.  I should really consider how to tap into more of this part of myself – because I am good at putting myself out there.  My confidence takes a huge leap and I become like a different person.  I recall times in my life where the spotlight was on me that it brings out my type A competitive nature and I want to crush whatever it is I am doing.  I can’t create this feeling, or even call it up – but when it happens I love it.  I know athletes are able to tap into this ability to focus themselves and hype themselves up for competition, but when I try to do that, it doesn’t work the same as when it happens organically. I hadn’t actually thought of this before and maybe I should do a little research on why this happens with me.

This night, it was all organic.  Sort of.  I had set myself up for the potential something could happen, by being in costume, being present and interactive, and I was going to be equally as ok if nothing happened.  But, it did – I was noticed, ended up on camera, and made new friends.  I loved every minute.  No one was there who knew me or could judge, and the side of my personality that I normally don’t let loose too often – you can call it my cocky side -comes out.  My confidence and happiness overflow and I can affect those around me.  It’s such a natural high.

It was several hours of high intensity interaction and exercise. I loved every minute. If I could somehow tap into that energy more frequently, it would be amazing – I don’t know where it would take me because it feels boundless. However, times like this – where the energy is flowing so heavily from within – exhaust me for days. Add into it my chronic anemia, which happens to be keeping me down because it’s time for an iron infusion, and one event like this could knock me out for a week.

The bottom line was – after these classes I was going to be a mess. My hair was a birds nest of hairspray and curls, my makeup soaked through, and I would be a soppy sweaty mess. I would be able to take a shower post the last ride, but there was nothing I could do about makeup or the fact I had worn yoga pants going into the studio. Hardly the ideal condition to meet someone for the first time…..