The Ghosts

I met two men on line that I was very attracted to, and had that little flutter of “oh I hope they write and like me too!”

Both turned into ghosts. Multiple times.

August met all the immediate criteria and we hit it off quickly on dating app text. We exchanged numbers and text a bit more for a day or two then he disappeared for over a week. I didn’t think twice because, unfortunately, ghosting is so damn normal these days. After a period of time he popped back up with a good explanation and photos of his kids and asked me out immediately. I let the first ghosting pass, we all get caught up in our lives. We made some fun plans for this week and agreed to speak on phone. He initiated both the date and the suggestion of a phone conversation. Now, he’s ghosted me again! As much as I would like to see him tomorrow, the lack of communication (since Friday) is an issue. If he can’t even text a hello over a series of days and expects me to come into the city tomorrow for a day date, will that be any different after the date? Is it worth the time, effort and cost to take myself all the way into the city to meet a man I will probably like only for him to keep ghosting me like this?

What do you think?

My friends are split decision on August.

Then there is Dave. Dave actually appeared on the scene in 2017 when Tony and I had our first break. Tony couldn’t work up the courage to speak to his wife and I was frustrated so I chose to start dating again. I liked Dave immediately. He hit most of my criteria except for never married and no kids. We had 3 dates, all fun and laughter and he was an amazing kisser. If we had met again, no doubt I would have slept with him. He was a huge turn on for me – and, later, a real sore spot for Tony. After our 3rd date, which went very well, Dave ghosted me. It was disappointing and unexpected but it happened. Eventually I got back with Tony and Dave slipped from my mind. Until now, when he started to appear on every one of my dating apps as a match. He eventually reached out to me to chat and then asked me out. He thought the “dating gods” were trying to tell us something. I really want to go out with Dave…but he’s is as inconsistent with communication as he was the first time and I still get a feeling he’s not all that interested. He doesn’t strike me as the pursuer, I always got the feeling he wants to be pursued. Yes, he asked me out, but it feels half-hearted to me, as though he recalls our chemistry (which he’s mentioned a few times) and figures we can fool around while he looks for his next relationship. He also asked me to come to him – which I did on our last date in 2017 – and couldn’t recall where I lived and wasn’t keen on coming to me. I think he wants what he can get (a for now fling) and isn’t really interested in me.

I think I need to just stop with Dave.

Both August and Dave are the type of man (on the surface) I would like to be dating. But I don’t think I’m getting the reciprocation I need and have a funny feeling I never will.

Do I just stop now with both and call it a day?

What do you think about these ghosts?

Over Before it Started

Don’t talk politics. It’s a key tenet of dating.

But when someone asks, I am honest.

I have republican values for the most part. But I live in reality and have just as many democratic values as well.

What I don’t do well with are extremes, especially liberal extremes which are rampant where I live. So much so, you can’t have a conservative thought without being penalized. That’s like a reverse discrimination.

But, lately, what I find with the state of our country is that if I do much as say I’m conservative the assumption follows that I am Trump supporter. That’s unfair and incorrect. Secondly, my opinion is a valid as the next persons opinion. Because that’s what it is – my personal opinion. I don’t actually get involved with many political discussions as I don’t know enough to hold a strong argument. And here, on the east coast in a major city, I am penalized for NOT being entirely liberal. Which is fascinating to me when that is simply another form of discrimination – don’t they see that?

I was chatting with a man for 2 days via text, getting along very well and he brought up something tax related that I agreed with. Then he mentioned something Republican and I said I understood because I was fiscally Republican.

Here’s how that went down:

And that my friends was the end of that.

The speed at which Erik from Bumble determine my worth as a dating partner because I don’t believe in free health care for all was fascinating to me.

He is right, if he is so immovable and inflexible in his opinions, we are not compatible.

What’s Up With the Phone, Guys?

It’s either some weird moon cycle or I have just had the silliest streak of weird luck. It’s not bad luck because I don’t care all that much, but three times in a week span is a weird streak of occurrences.

I may have written before that men age 50+ prefer phone calls to text. It sort of makes me nuts. I don’t want endless text to get to know someone, but I can vet pretty quickly over text if there is any compatibility before spending my time on the phone.

For me, phone conversation is much more personal and I want to focus on spending time with you and getting to know you. Until I feel some connection in text, I generally don’t like to jump straight to phone.

But this past week I lost that battle 3 times straight.

I seemed to have hit a pocket of men who were so stubborn about phone engagement that I just threw in the towel. Quickly. I didn’t give it any chance to breathe because I got frustrated so quickly.

Rob: I know for a fact we had matched before a long time ago. I didn’t recall what happened, but do recall it was because he ghosted me. We had a little back and forth text and then he called, out of the blue. I was busy working out and text him back when I was done. I suggested it was better to set a time to speak and was he adverse to text? He said he preferred phone. I called him early on Sunday morning, around 11am when I was out walking. He called back at 9:30 pm and I was in bed and not interested in answering. He sent a follow up text to say he “didn’t see” my missed call and text until now. I said that was curious and he got snarky with a comment “I’m not like other people who have their phone in their hands all day.” I call bull shit. We all have phones in our hands all day and we check them. There may be hours that go by, but usually not 10 in the middle of a normal weekend.

Haven’t heard from him again. Don’t care. I’m sure this is what happened the first time around. He told me he had a hard time dating – no wonder why.

*follow up 4 days later: guess what? he calls. No surprise there. We chat. He is really inflexible when he talks about his life. Everything is regimented. I work hard to get him to loosen up and I can tell he’s a good guy but I also get a distinct sense we are on different pages. We decide to meet and ultimately that goes sideways. Everything is a negotiation. I don’t want to negotiate. It’s a first date, choose a place by me and set a time. Don’t ask me to drive halfway for coffee. I end up texting him back and saying no thanks. I can be just as inflexible.

Ken: wasn’t sure about him when we matched but our conversational cadence was nice. He is very fair and blonde and not normally my physical type. Over the course of 3 days we text, we spoke on the phone twice and I felt it was time he asked me out, but there was no indication of doing so. I didn’t say anything, but by day 4 when he called again (always out of the blue, never letting me know when he was calling) and I was working out, he seemed to get frustrated that we hadn’t spoken on the phone for a day (we missed each other a few times the day before).

He had left a long-ish message about how he was suspicious about voice mail that was “boxed”‘rather than a personalized greeting. I don’t know him well enough to know if that was a joke, I assumed it was, but the intonation of his voice on the message didn’t sound like a joke, at all. However, I made a joke back that I was a drug dealer.

Haven’t heard from him now in several days despite sending a message to speak on phone 🤪

Personally, I think too much text and too much talk before you meet does create false expectations. When I find someone I like in phone conversation, I get my hopes up only to be *mostly* disappointed by the person IRL. If he had made a move to ask me out or indicate when he would like to see me, that would be different. But these were exploratory phone calls and I was interested in getting to know him too well before we met.

Greg: honestly this probably deserves its own blog post but it’s also probably funnier to me than anyone else. In any case, we text and he wanted to talk rather quickly so I agreed. He literally hit on a topic that made me want to jump through the phone and throttle him multiple times – I have NEVER had an experience like that before. He is in a parallel industry so he was trying to get me to understand the problems with the fashion industry (my area of expertise). And he kept at it, like a spike in the side of my head. Until I got hot and stubborn that he needed to stop insinuating I didn’t understand the woes of the industry. After we got off the call and I cooled down I made a little joke over his topic and suggested challenging an expert in her area on the first call is perhaps not a great dating tactic. We had some better banter and then he sent photos. That was it for me. No grown man should be making duck lips under any circumstances. And, I said so. He shot back that it was being silly and that’s the last I heard. Thank goodness because a man who makes duck lips in a photo and antogonaizes a woman on the first call is clearly not a nice dude.

So there you have it.

My extraordinarily opinionated view of how online dating should work. I have developed a lack of patience for rigidity even though you may say my behavior is rigid. What I have experienced is that men who are comfortable in their own skin and the sucky world of dating can banter, accept a text phase and ask a woman out pretty quickly. I don’t judge the men above because they have their own criteria based on their own experiences – and each of them wanted to spend time on the phone that I didn’t – so no harm, no foul. There seems to be a fine balance and we all have to walk a tightrope.

On to the next batch. Let’s see if I’m any more patient this week? 😂🤣

Crazy Talk

I’m writing this to get it out of my head. I haven’t told anyone but the blog about looking at Tony’s photo and obsessing, but I haven’t been sleeping well and generally feeling a funk.

I know it has to be from that darn photo. Nothing else has changed.

I’ve now spent almost a week dwelling on the fact that he’s back in his marriage full time, he lied to me in November to say “nothing had changed between them” because I recall that bonding/hysterical sex is a real thing after finding out about an affair. So chances are he’s in a better marriage now than he was before.

It makes me want to vomit that I am obsessing and he’s getting on with his wonderful life and wife.

I want control now, of my thoughts, my ability to STOP caring about this man that nearly took life from me because I allowed it. I want to STOP worrying about someone who could care less for me.

I have to STOP thinking of how great I might have fantasized it could be because it was never anything but fantasy. We had a time, a season and now it passed.

I’m still thinking a lobotomy is my best option.

Another Questionable First Date

Craig and I connected on OKC and had an easy back and forth. It was light and simple.

We spoke on the phone and had a lovely conversation.

Why wasn’t anything getting me excited?

He was handsome, tall, built, successful, divorced and older kids. Seemingly emotionally available.

He chose the place we would meet and arrived before I did and secured a good seat at the bar. I found him quickly and assessed he looked better in person. He’s also super physically fit for 55, six pack abs and all! He claimed 6′ and I had worn 4″ heels, and I felt taller but he wasn’t short, just maybe not 6′.

A few things went wrong quickly on the date, but not so bad that the date went sideways, just enough that I couldn’t get traction with getting to know him and get a feel for his personality.

Problem 1: the bartender never approached me when I sat down and nor did Craig seem concerned if I had a drink. After a solid 15 minutes I tried to get a bartenders attention. I finally said something to him and about 25 minutes into the date he realized he should be getting a drink for me. Not a great way to start – makes me generally assess how he cares for others.

Problem 2: the bar was cute but the acoustics were so horrible I could not hear him unless I bent my head forward and out my ear to his mouth. Obviously on a first date this is tough. He’s got my hair in his mouth and I can’t see his facial expressions as he’s talking. It only got worse when the band came on. Again, great little band, the acoustics in the bar just stunk.

Problem 3: why hasn’t he asked me any real personal questions? Nothing about kids, x, job, or friends. Didn’t mention any thing about his family, friends or work either. I did prompt but the answers were always ….best described as canned. I couldn’t get a handle on him at all.

Problem 4: we ate a basket of pita chips before he said “I should have asked you if you wanted something to eat?” Yes, that would have been nice but I just carb loaded beyond my normal no-carb rule! Again, makes me wonder how he cares for others.

Problem 5: religious and ethnic jokes. Now, a joke well told is a joke well told. But when you don’t exactly know the recipient, perhaps you lay off on particularly derogatory ones? He told multiple religious jokes, and ethnic joke and at least 2 political jokes. I didn’t laugh. I actually didn’t get the punch line in any. I wondered why he kept trying.

So the date went bobbing along, never really gaining any traction in my opinion. We walked out together. I had to suggest he walk me to me car. And then he didn’t know what to do so he kissed me on the cheeks. I turned my lips up to him and I got a peck on the lips as he turned away. Over my shoulder I watched him realize his own faux pas but kept getting into my car. He text as soon as he arrived in his car: I should have kissed you goodbye.

Yup. At least see if there is a potential rescue in this date.

He keeps referring to himself as a wolf and uses the 🐺 emoji in text. When you don’t know someone that comes across quite strong, in my opinion. He does not strike me as a wolf in person in any respect but I suppose it’s how he sees himself?

He tried one or two more jokes by text and I asked him if “he liked religious jokes?” He didn’t try again. Since the date all he texts about is kissing me. Nothing about getting to know me.

He is divorced almost 5 years, same as me. When I first asked if he dated he said no, but at the bar I questioned this again and he said not seriously. Again, I just wasn’t clear with his replies and he seemed to shy away from personal info.

Craig is traveling for business now for a couple days and I said I would see him when he returns. As I’m writing this post, I’m wondering why I would bother.

I feel a general lack of interest for him and he’s not especially engaging.

Dating is so much fun. Really helps one get out of a major depression! 🤣😂

How Do I STOP This Ridiculous Obsession?

Writing because the only reason I can think for feeling such apathy today is because of that damn wedding ring photo?

Right? It must be.

I don’t want to move. I don’t want to get off the couch. I have slept poorly two nights in a row. The only positive is I can’t reach out to him to start an argument or any trouble. Both he and his wife are deleted from my phone.

Why, why, why! Do I obsess like this after all this time. It’s going to be 1 year in April since I’ve seen the man. 2 years in April since I’ve know he would stay married. I am angry with myself. I want to change and every time I think I make progress I manage to bang right into a brick wall. Head first.

I do feel sick with grief in an odd way. Not crying, but entirely apathetic.

What can I do? How does this stop?

I have seriously thought of going to get hypnotized (does that work?) or a lobotomy. I cannot seem to pull myself from this gutter.

Obsessing

I found myself obsessing about Tony’s photo of him and his daughter and the fact he was wearing his wedding ring.

I was driving into the city to meet a friend for brunch and couldn’t get the image or thought out of my head. It kept spinning round and round.

And then my heart started to ache and I wanted to cry. Truthfully, for all the tears I’ve cried over Tony, I thought they were done. I had felt when I spoke to him in November that I had cried my last tears over him.

But this felt different somehow. This was physically painful again, all the way from my belly and a big gasping sound. I thought for sure I would be sobbing…..

I didn’t.

I just lingered in the feeling, willing myself not to cry and ruin my makeup and my day. I took big gulping breaths and tried to calm down but somehow the vision of the ring on the hand was twisting my insides.

I couldn’t feel anger or anything else. Just intense grief. I convinced myself that if I didn’t cry right now that I would wait and have a good cry once I got home later. I pulled the pain in deep, breathed in and gathered myself and paid attention to my driving. I had obsessed long enough to be close to arrival.

I forgot all about it while with my friend. I am too embarrassed to even mention to her what was in my mind. I felt a lingering sadness but not the same pain.

I’m writing this post to account for the feeling, and the passing of the feeling and wondering what will come next. The feeling was so painful. I don’t want to delve into that place of deep sadness and grief again. I didn’t like being caught by that feeling today.

I don’t really understand why the photo effected me that way.

2 Dates and 2 Duds

I went on 2 dates over the last 2 weeks or so.

Greg was a cameraman for a large network nearby and had a pretty interesting history.  I wasn’t sold on his photos, but we hit it off on text and then phone.  We decided to meet pretty quickly and he had perfect communication skills for me.  There was zero chemistry in person, and I got the distinct feeling that he wasn’t as “nice” as he pretended to be….there were a few comments that just didn’t hit me the right way.  For example, he bought a large home near a local high school and complained constantly about the HS Band playing at all hours of the day.  I laughed out loud and said “why would you buy a house next to a HS with one of the largest award-winning bands?!”  I thought it was a funny complaint, he totally turned off the moment I disagreed with him.

Honestly though, you by a house next to a large public school, do your research and don’t complain about student activities!  I live 2 miles from the school and can hear the band practice based on how sound travels, so get over it.

I was also in the band many moons ago and happened to love it, and was totally dedicated.  He was a cranky man with no kids in my opinion.  I have yet to meet a childless man since Bobby that true enjoys kids.

Jack was a famous basketball player – how cool is that?!  He was very handsome, as fit as you can imagine, and very nice.  The date went well, albeit not a lot of laughter, and there was a nice kiss at the end.  I said Thank You as usual by text when I arrived home, he had already asked to see me again, and I heard from him the next day via text.  I never answered his last text, for whatever random reason, and I never heard from him again.  I don’t know why, nor do I care.  He still lives in his marital home with his x wife and child and has no intention of moving out.  I didn’t quite buy the totality of his story, but it didn’t sit quite right with me.  It was fine he didn’t call me back.

I have noticed that my libido is in the tank, which is really disappointing. There can be so many reasons: the new drugs I’m on, the surgeries, the depression or anxiety.  Maybe even, finally, peri-menopause.  I find it very depressing that nothing is getting me excited and I haven’t had good sex since last April with Tony.  Almost one year.   UGH.  When you start your blog off with a sex blog and you end up in menopause, its definitely cause for disappointment!

Girl Code – Addendum

Just a quick little addendum here….

My friend just asked me if I had heard anything more from her guy.

I was a bit surprised, and then realized I felt relief. I replied with the honest truth: he was blocked and deleted and I didn’t assume he had any way to contact me.

I had also removed and blocked him from my dating profile.

She simply sighed “ooh” and said “he wouldn’t know if you blocked him or not.” I felt like she was fishing or at least a bit hopeful that she would hear more. I think she thought he may tell her directly, but he didn’t (or at least I didn’t ask).

It was the right thing to do, side-step that drama.

Girl Code 3

I figured I should wrap up this story.

I admit I didn’t tell him as quickly as I should have – that I wasn’t going to interact with him. I admit there was that part of me that liked the attention and chase etc.

But at some point Saturday he sent another “can’t wait for kissing and cocktails” and I had to be clear.

I wrote back that I would be telling my friend the truth, I wasn’t comfortable and this didn’t feel right to me and was sorry I didn’t have the chance to meet him.

I didn’t text my friend until a day later. I knew there was going to be a little drama, and I wasn’t in the frame of mind to deal with it. I did tell my friend and we spoke about it. She was quite upset by how much he had shared with me about himself, and how it had taken her so long to know some of those things and they were in relationship.

I didn’t mention the BDSM stuff because that’s my private business. If I told her what he shared I would also be revealing that side of me. Very few of my off blog friends know any of the depth of my sexuality. I also think it’s the reason he communicated as much as he did, because he knows how a D/s relationship works and I feel he was working that avenue with me even though he said he wasn’t.

She was primarily upset he glossed over her and still asked me out knowing we were friends. Should I have lied more? I tried to give her as much as I know I would want. She’s similar to be albeit less crazy, but obsesses the same way I do.

She was also very bothered that I saw him for who he was in our first conversations (before I knew who he was). To me, he was clearly a narcissist. I barely got a word in over 2 hours of conversation. She was upset that she didn’t see it and spent the night studying up on narcissism.

I wrote to him to say I spoke to my friend and wouldn’t be contacting him again, good luck. I also told my friend I wrote that message. Some time in the middle of the night he text back saying he was curious how our conversion went and if things were ok between us. I sent the message to my friend and then blocked him.

She didn’t want me to block him, but I said I didn’t want to be in the middle of curating replies to him just to get a reaction. If he’s a true narcissist – which I certainly believe he is – he’s already bothered that I don’t see him in a good light and he would continue to pursue intermittently in hopes of interaction.

I’m good at shit like that but trying my hardest to stop creating more bad karma for myself.

He’s blocked. I’m done. Thank you, next.