When Drunk Text Goes South

I have had my share of drunk texting that I am not proud of.  Generally speaking, my drunk text go to current boyfriends and definitely not men I have yet to meet or even date.  But this man felt it was appropriate to cross a few lines with me before he even met me, we were due to meet next Sunday due to a hectic week on my end.

John seemed quite nice, met many of my initial criteria and lived close by.  I wasn’t especially certain about his looks, but he was very charming in text and we had easy conversation.   We planned to speak this weekend by phone but his commitments over ran with mine and we just postponed for another day.

He was at a golf outing on Saturday and spending the day with his buddies on Sunday.

At one point during the day he made a comment about his hereditary, noting he was half Irish and half Italian – and that he looked Irish but the parts I couldn’t’ see were all Italian and he didn’t have the Irish curse.  I sent an “lol, that’s good to know!” and brushed it off.

He then asked if I was Jewish or not, and I replied that I was not.  Religion isn’t relevant for me,  but I understand it may be for some, so I didn’t think about it.

Then we were chatting about our kids randomly and how boys can be unkempt, but the conversation took the strangest turn:

 

Of course, John would have no idea how a weight comment would turn me off so completely.  It’s a full-on issue for me.  I have struggled with weight all my life, and only in the last few years have I gained an appreciation for my feminine shape and curves and realize that men will appreciate it or not.  My body, while it may be too big for some (including me) shouldn’t’ have a number that distinguishes it from a beautiful body or not.

I probably shouldn’t have replied.  I did, in fact, go to sleep when I said goodnight the second time.  I was just going to delete him but felt a response was in order.

How would you have handled him?

Date 7: The Date That Never Was 

Llyod and I matched about two weeks ago and started and easy conversation. Kids similar ages and divorced around the same amount of time. 

Our text banter was flirtatious and light.  We exchanged additional photos and agreed to a phone call. 

He hit all of my initial dating criteria but there was something about him that I couldn’t put my finger on.   There wasn’t anything specific, just a little nudge I felt inside. 

I should probably realize by now that the nudge is the first signal my gut gives to me to say “he’s not right.”

Our phone call proceeded much the same way the text had, easy and natural banter, light conversation.  We agreed to a date a week later due to scheduling and one more phone conversation in between. 

The days leading up to the next phone conversation had just enough engagement. I think we were both in a good place. He let me know when he had a long drive in front of him and I have him a time I thought I could call. 

But it didn’t work out that way. My commute home was endless and then my kids hadn’t eaten any dinner.  By the time I was done taking care of them I needed to shower and wash my hair. I was exhausted and fell to sleep early.  I had entirely forgotten to call Lloyd. 

As soon as I woke up the next morning I sent an apology text and asked if we could reschedule the call. I explained what happened and was truly sorry.  

Crickets. 

For the entire day. Finally, that evening I received a cursory reply which said “you have my number and know where to reach me”

A bit of back and forth over the next day revealed to me that he seemed upset with me.  There was no ulterior motive, I’m not juggling multiple men and text, and I just forgot. 

It took him some time to come around and I admit to doing a little cajoling.  We agreed to speak a day later and still meet the following week.  I realized I didn’t like how I felt trying to get him over being upset over a missed call. It was sort of ridiculous. 

Of course the time I am due to call him next, I am held up. I text and keep in touch with no reply and call about 3 hours later than I expected. The conversation was fine, as were all the ones preceding it.  We chose our date and time to meet the following week and he asked me to chose a place close to my work.  I said I had flexibility for either of two nights that week and he said he appreciated the offer but we settled on a Tuesday. 

On Monday he text and said his schedule changed and would I mind switching to Wednesday. I agreed and as it turns out, had to leave work abruptly on Tuesday for an emergency at home. I text him to let him know how it all worked out for the better that we moved our date and also sent him the name and address of the restaurant.  

Attending to my emergency at home and then falling dead to sleep from exhaustion, I didn’t realize he hadn’t text me back until the next morning. 

Then, not a word all day Wednesday. 

I didn’t chase or solicit. I deleted his name and number by the end of the day, removed him from the dating app. 

I have no idea what happened but I get the strong impression it was a spiteful move on his part. Maybe that’s what I sensed – a sort of immaturity and defensiveness.  

Doesn’t matter, no skin off my back. 

Date 5: A Well Needed Success

I wrote about the lack of engagement on the dating sites here and here  and my point was to demonstrate how shallow I feel the pool has become this year.  I do think my age plays a part, but I am not changing my age on the app just to secure more dates.  I am not in a frame of mind for casual sex these days so there’s really no point.  I no longer want any casual encounters, I am looking for someone with whom I can endeavor to have a decent relationship with.

It’s slow going for me because I am so particular.  Lots of things matter to me.  I don’t mind taking it slow to get it right this time around.  I know the magical combination I need to get things going and I am willing to wait for it.

I matched with a few men and shared some text back and forth and two moved to personal text as they both showed merit.  They were both nice looking, well-educated, divorced, older children and employed.  As an added bonus, both were over 6′ tall and liked to travel.  Check, check, check and check.

I met Dan first, last Friday.  He had a very amicable divorce and was only starting to date within the last few months.  He traveled often for work and was starting up his own business.  He dressed to impress, but wasn’t well dressed (yes, this from the fashionista I can be).  He had an easy smile and plenty to talk about.

He arrived to the restaurant first and we were due to meet in the bar.  I was surprised when he secured a table for us and said he would prefer to have dinner.  We had had two phone conversations and the talk flowed easily so I wasn’t especially worried.

He was nice-looking and I was able to wear 5′ heels which is always fun for me.  I knew he was attracted quickly as he had those long appreciative glances, no complaints there!

Dinner and drinks went well, he grew on me as the night moved along.  We were together for quite some time, perhaps almost 4 hours, and there was no break in the conversation or laughter.  He was engaging, but no special sparks.  I knew I was a bit off because I wanted to keep drinking, I think I miss Bennett when I start to have a good time.  Not that it’s a conscious thought per se, just that I assume that’s what’s underneath the way I feel.

Towards the end of dinner he slipped over to my side of the beech and asked if he could kiss me and I complied.  His kisses were gentle with just the right touch of aggression when he put his hand under my hair and pulled my head forward and tightly to his mouth.  I would like to say I felt something other than a good kiss, but I didn’t.

We walked out of the restaurant holding hands and kissed for a bit at the car.  He tried to convince me to leave and go to another bar, but I declined and headed home.

We had agreed to meet again, though scheduling is difficult with his work travel.  This week Chicago and mid next week,  Australia for 2 weeks.  He has stayed in “just enough” contact these last few days, making sure to comment on things he knew I was doing as well as an article he read about my company.  The interest is there.

I’m going to give it another shot, I liked him well enough and perhaps I just  need more time.  There is nothing that went wrong on this date, he was a consummate gentleman and I enjoyed myself.

I just realize I am not over Bennett but have to push myself forward.

 

 

 

The Shallow Pool

In my last post, perhaps I didn’t articulate clearly enough that I am not getting a lot of matches.

It was said, often, in the comments, because I am too picky.

But, its pretty hard to be picky on Bumble.  Since, all you really see, is a 100 word description (if that) and photos.  I have mostly given up on Tinder as it has defaulted to an entirely hook-up driven app since last year.  The quality of men has deteriorated beyond what I have patience for.

Bumble is ok.

I still don’t love POF or Match but will load up a new profile this weekend in any case.

My criteria for speaking to someone one on the Bumble app is easy: some attraction, the appearance of height (I’m a big girl and do not like being bigger than my man, period), and a preference for a white color job if it’s indicated.  I don’t pass  on men because of their jobs, but have yet to find a decent enough man that is a match for me if they are too far off from corporate America.  Generally speaking, that gap tends to make men get fussy fast with the things I like.

For instance, I matched with a seemingly decent man late last week.  He started too soon with a sex comment, I joked it off and he didn’t pursue, seeming to get the hint.  He had a holiday weekend semi-full but wanted to meet me as we don’t live far apart.

He suggested a quick drink on Friday night and asked where I would like to meet so I chose two bars I like in between his town and mine.

Immediately he said those bars were a little too fancy for him and he didn’t want to get dressed to have one drink.  He said he was taking his younger daughter to pizza and wings after 7:30pm and he would be casual dressed.

So here’s where the chasm comes in.

In my humble opinion, casual dress can include a decent button down shirt and shorts.  His opinion of casual dress was a sweatshirt and basketball shorts.  He insinuated we meet at a sports bar.

That’s not my kind of guy.

How do I know?  One: if you are interested in meeting a woman, even its for an hour, you will take the time to look decent, not like you are tossing back beers with your buds.  Two: It’s generally too loud and low class in a sports bar for me, I don’t drink beer or eat wings normally (not to say I never do).  So, that’s how my judgement works.  If you don’t feel it necessary to even attempt to try and impress me a little bit on our first meeting, then you are not for me.

And if you think a sports bar is ok, you are not for me.  It’s not my scene.

It seems that some people feel I am too judgmental about my choices, and that’s why I can’t match.  But what’s the point of matching with anyone who is too different from me?  A man like this will immediately think I am spoiled, rather than just having preferences for things I like.

That’s exactly what happened.  This seemingly nice guy went from pleasant to crazed in a series of perhaps 3 text.

He agreed to meet at one of the bars I chose and then said “I will stand out like a sore thumb in my sweatshirt and basketball shorts.”  So, why agree to this bar if you know how people will dress at this bar?

My reply was, you can still wear a nice shirt and shorts to take your daughter for pizza and wings…and he went off the rails:

It’s Friday and what do you expect me to be wearing?  We are not doing something.  I can promise you I am not wearing a nice shirt.  I’m fitting you in.  You are not my evening activity.  I am not dressing up to go to a pizza place with my daughter in the rain.

Unlike previous years, my response was fast and easy: Block and Delete.

If it was so stressful for him to “fit me in” and “put on a nice shirt” he isn’t the one for me.  Period.  I believe these small behaviors are just indicators of bigger issues behind them.

I’m sure many of you don’t agree, but it’s my date and there’s no point in going out with anyone who doesn’t have some of the qualities I like.  And that sure means: don’t get upset when I want prosecco, oysters and a decent bar.

I can spend time at a sporting event, in a sports bar, or in a grungy bar with the best of them.  But, not often and certainly not for a first date.   Of all the first dates I have had, one thing I have learned for sure: if the guy thinks I am too “uppity” they will be much too similar to my x and I can’t deal with that.

As my son tells me : “You like what you like, yo”  Clearly my little man knows his Momma just likes things the way she likes them.

And so it is.

I keep plugging on.  I have had a few other nice conversations and some potential dates lined up this week.  They seem like nice men and we seem aligned with the things we want in dating.  I realize that the chances of finding a Bennett again may be slim to none, its a rare thing to check off every single box on your desire list (but, so Bennett did).  But I have to start with the things I know work for me.

Meanwhile, I still have some period of tears here and there.  I do feel lonely.  I can’t get my act together fully to not be depressed.  Bennett still sits too much in the forefront of my thoughts.   I’ll get there, it just takes time.

Lack of Entertainment

I spoke to Bennett, nothing changed. He loves me but can’t move forward.  That’s pretty much all there is to say.  No resolve.

I remind myself that I was hurting too often, and even though now I hurt every day, this will pass eventually.

So on to the lack of my dating life.  I have been on and off the dating sites since February.   I came off for good from early April until now, and the break did me good.  I loaded them back up this week.

What a disappointment.

Maybe I am too old – 49 perhaps scares men away and I consistently see men above 50 that just look too damn old.  There are so, so very few men above 50 that look any good to me.  And, I must not appeal to anyone that I find attractive either because I am not getting any worthwhile matches and that’s a first.

My age range is set between 44-54 which is suitable for a 49 year old woman with a much younger appearance and attitude.

I am constantly approached by men 40 and younger and I no longer bother, what’s the point? It makes me realize how much I’ve changed this year – casual sex is no longer appealing to me.  I actually think back to 2014-2015 and wonder how I even had the courage to do what I did!  I don’t regret my escapades, but I no longer have any desire to do any of it again.  It’s definitely out of my system.  Whatever I needed to experiment with, I’m done.

Men who can’t hold an interactive conversation are gone quickly.

Men who start up with the “hey, sexy” are gone even more quickly!

So this is leaving me pretty empty handed and it’s very discouraging.

I wouldn’t mind a nice summer boyfriend (who isn’t married) to go off and have some fun with and enjoy the weekends I don’t have kids.  It seems like it’s gotten much harder in the year I have been out of play.  This time last summer I had plenty of choices and lots of dates lined up.

I don’t feel cynical as much as disappointed and a bit worried about feeling “too old” for all of this.  Have I aged out of the online dating game?  Is a woman approaching 50 just too old for this?

 

 

 

 

Lying to Yourself is Never Good

Bennett spoke to his wife.

Yep.  Caught me by surprise too.

Here’s what happened.  We had mostly stopped speaking and seeing one another and it was pretty hard on both of us.  His 22 year wedding anniversary was April 29 and I knew in my head that if that date came and went and he never had the talk with her that I would just be waiting forever for nothing.  I had set my mind to finally moving forward by early April.

I wasn’t doing terribly good or bad.  I had some days where it hurt if I missed him and other days that went by without much thought.  I decided I wasn’t ready to date, so I had stopped.  There was plenty to fill my time and I felt pretty good about life in general.

The short version is that he called me the morning of his anniversary crying.  I had never heard him so broken and it was upsetting.  We continued to talk or text throughout the day but my stance was clear, no more after today.  I was done.    I became more upset and he became more erratic causing an argument and me telling him I pretty much hate him (I know, childish, but there it is).  The text stop in the evening and I didn’t hear from him until the next evening.  The text read:

“I spoke to my wife, are you awake?”

I thought I would hear bells of joy but instead I was more curious than anything.  He explained their short conversation.  He started with their anniversary passing by with “no notice and no love, and he was gravely unhappy, didn’t she feel the same?”

Well, no she didn’t.  She felt this is how he wanted things.  He didn’t want romance, or sex or anything.  That his ED problems were because he wasn’t attracted to her therefore making her not want sex.  She was caught off guard and blindsided entirely.  They stopped the conversation because she was too upset.

Unfortunately, Bennett chose a horrible time to tell her because her mother (whom she has no good relationship with) is in town and staying with them for a week.  He admits he should have told her before but he was so panicked about losing me (it finally sunk in, I guess) that he seized the courage and ran with it.  They can’t really spend time together talking until after next Tuesday or so.

But, talk and text a little they have.  Enough to drive him into even more desperate confusion.  He expected her to say “yes, this isn’t a good marriage and you are right we should call it quits.”  But that’s not what she’s saying, she’s saying “how do we make this work?”  She’s showing feelings for him that she hasn’t shown in many, many years.  Her entire existence is being threatened and she’s not about to let it go without a fight.  he thought this was going to be much more black and white.

I can’t blame her.  This comes as no surprise to me.

The love each other, perhaps they have forgotten how much.  It’s a shame how that happens in marriage.  We grow stale when we don’t work at it.  They have never had good communication, this is only the second time in many years that he admitted to being unhappy.  The first time it happened she begged him to stay as well (and obviously he did).  They are both relatively passive, and neither wants disruption to this level so it’s most likely they try at it a few months, or years and it all slips back to where it is now.

Or not.

I don’t know.  No one has that crystal ball.

He isn’t running into her open arms, it’s not that, but he should explore how he feels about her and if there really is opportunity to save a 22 year marriage and make a new one, a healthy one out of the destruction it is.

When he began to cry on the phone last night, I knew he was crying because he needs to let go of me and he’s finally realized he can’t have his feet planted in both worlds.

He needs to determine where this marriage is going.  And if he stays, he needs to invest.  Bobby did it.  It seems I am very good at showing men what they should have in a good relationship – within their marriages.

He insists he is unsure she is actually capable of going it on her own and he feels responsible for that.  Part of me believes this because she was totally oblivious to their disconnect over the past 5-10 years, she admitted this to him.

If they connect emotionally, the sex will follow.  Regardless that he’s not currently attracted to her, for Bennett, most of that has to do with emotional connection more than physical connection.  If she can tap back into his heart/head, the rest will follow for him, even if it’s less sexual than he prefers, as long as he feels he is being loved and getting attention, I believe he will stay.

I know the feeling in my chest.  My heart has finally broken now.  I was lying to myself since the original break-up in January and hoping against hope that something might change.  This time I wasn’t blind to the things I was doing to myself, but did them all the same which was foolish.

Some healing had started, but not the real, true, deep mourning that needs to happen in order to move forward.  I guess it’s time for that now.

We said our goodbyes this morning.  I can’t be part of what’s about to happen in his life.  If they ultimately land on separation (which I doubt) then he can call me and tell me and we can go from there.

Otherwise, my only priority it to heal my heart and move forward.

The weather outside here reflects my current state of misery.  Cold and rainy. 😦

 

Date 4 | Results: Relative Fail

We met on Tinder or Bumble, can’t recall which and had a decent text exchange over the week.  He seemed kind and asked me out quickly.  His photos seemed “ok” but have learned I am a little more lenient on the looks these days.

He was very flexible about meeting me close to my home as he was visiting his parents not too far away.   I chose a spot and we agreed a time for Saturday night.

I have pretty much learned that I can tell from their first look if they like me or not.  I was pretty certain he didn’t like what he saw almost immediately, but he was good at working with it.  He ordered my drink, secured a seat at the bar and suggested we plan for dinner.  I assume, if he really disliked me, he wouldn’t have suggested dinner so I think we both figured it was a nice place and nice enough company.

He had eyebrows that were so dark and so ungroomed they distracted me.  I couldn’t even see what colors his eyes were because those eyebrows distracted me.  He was clearly raised in significant wealth, and wanted me to know it.

Conversation wasn’t easy or natural.  I had to think of things to say and ask a lot of questions.  Generally speaking, people get going when it’s about their school, family, or job….but he was not so easy.  I pulled enough out of him but I felt the strain in  doing so.  I also notice I tend to talk too much to fill those gaps and I don’t enjoy that either.

When he asked me if I “took my husband for all he was worth in the divorce” I think he saw the disgust cross my face.  He made another comment that in divorce “that’s usually what the woman does.”   He also made a derogatory comment about divorced families and dysfunction and I was pretty much entirely done with attempting polite conversation by that point.  I don’t think he even understood that my divorce my was my x coming after me for money, because clearly, inhis circles, the men make the wealth.

Still, dinner was yummy and I had my fill of prosecco, careful not to drink much.

I think the whole date was under 2 hours, including cocktails and dinner, and we had a chaste kiss on the lips and goodnight.

I sent a thank you text, as I always do, and he replied with a thank you back.

I don’t expect to hear from him, and that’s ok with me!

The date was failed from the moment we met, but at least we managed mostly civil conversation (albeit not interesting or very engaging) and dinner and drinks get and A+.

Date 3 | Update: A Second Date

I figured after the breadcrumb incident last week I would eventually hear from Dave at some point.  I knew he was starting a new job and had been very distracted, but I was growing weary of his last minute plans.

It took a week, but I heard from him early Saturday morning with a pleasant “Hello, How are you?” and a quick follow up to make plans for my next free days.

I was just about ready for the roundabout when I gave him my free times, but we surprisingly agreed to a brunch on Sunday morning.  The funny thing was, after we agreed on a day, the time became an issue and I felt the whole thing swirling again.  I put my foot down and said “I can do 11am, no earlier” and didn’t answer his two subsequent messages for the duration of the day.

When I woke in the morning, I sent a text that said, I can meet you at 11am, are we still on?  He answered immediately and said he moved his PT appt (he did not mention why he was pushing for any earlier brunch the night before) and had more time to spend with me.

Maybe he’s just a poor communicator?  I don’t even care that much.

I got up, got dressed and headed towards him on a perfectly divine Sunday morning.

He met me at a corner, jumped int he car, and showed me exactly where to park so the car was safe.  Then we had a short stroll to a lovely brunch.  Conversation is easy, not particularly enticing, but nice.  He is very easy on the eyes.

Is there a spark?  Not really, not without physical engagement.  When we kiss there are more than enough sparks, but I tend to like that excitement that comes from the intellectual chemistry.  He is a consummate gentleman which is very nice.

We had a lovely long walk after breakfast and he offered to show me his apartment before I left, and to use the bathroom and have some drinks.  He was in no way pressuring me and I felt comfortable.  We spent a little time fooling around on the couch and I can easily see having sex with him.  He knows what to do and I can tell how much I excite him.  He absolutely didn’t cross any lines but we had a pretty fantastic make-out session!

He isn’t open or closed in terms of sharing things.  He is neither aggressive or too gentle physically.  He just is.

I don’t necessarily feel very much.  I like him.  I like being with him, but there’s no pull for me.

It’s also 2 dates in 3 weeks or so.  We don’t speak much in between (phone not at all, text only).  I don’t feel like I know “who” he is and can’t really get a sense of him, which is strange as I am generally pretty good with reading people.

That’s it.  That’s all there is to tell.  A nice second date.  Maybe some more breadcrumbs later this week.

I have been feeling a little sad about Bennett this week, maybe it’s the change in weather, maybe it’s the length of time we haven’t spoken….but I am feeling the separation more keenly.   I didn’t think about Bennett while with Dave, but he’s on my mind now.  I suppose its normal, but makes me wonder how ready and open I really am for anything more serious than light dating at the moment.

No Conversation, No Surprise

I was more anxious about hearing from Bennett the next day than anything. I knew deep in my heart the conversation wouldn’t happen and I sort of knew why.

I didn’t mention in my last post that I said something to him the evening before in his way home that would irritate him. And I knew it.

Was it self-sabotage?

Was I intentionally playing a game?

In hindsight my only answer is I acted irresponsibly. I threw a die and the hand that was roll wasn’t in my favor.   I haven’t done enough soul-searching to understand my motivation.

I didn’t think what I said would stop him so maybe it was a test?

He told me he was so thrown off by it he couldn’t concentrate on his intended action of speaking to his wife.

So, I handed him excuse in a way.

I don’t know why he bothered to contact me today. He knew it would be an argument. He knew I would be upset.  I told him that was my breaking point as I knew it would be. Had we not started communication again I wouldn’t be expecting the text with “we had the conversation” and I wouldn’t be disappointed in him any more than I had been.

But that’s how it went down.

His claims he is still done with his marriage. I disagree with people who expect him to invest in his marriage again or his wife to even want that. He is not interested in being lovers again, though that doesn’t mean he finally leaves her.  He would probably end up cheating or just leaving in the next year or two.   What do any of us know, it’s not our marriage. But considering I am closer to it than you are, my opinion is they won’t be rekindling it.

I am not placing the blame on myself for his inability to act. I just gave him one more excuse. And he took the bait, I suppose.

Much like the end of Bobby, I don’t feel anger or regret. Simply, loss. Pure loss. The pain of heartbreak surfaced again but I know it won’t linger.  I really don’t think it’s a game for him. He said one thing today that hit the ball home for me…

I said I was disappointed in myself for allowing myself to believe in him.

His reply “I believed in myself.”

I think he did, for a moment. Then he lost his courage. And that’s fine. Fine for Bennett and fine for me.

So that’s the end of that.

Date 2 | Results: Partial Fail

I met Peter on Match and he was at the high end of my age range at 55 years old.  He had a very nice background and profile and we seemed to have more than enough in common to start a conversation.

He was chatty and well-spoken in text and we connected easily.

Then the red flags started, one at a time and far to obvious.  I should have stopped when the flags started popping up, but I was curious to meet him.  His job was fascinating and he was really engaging.  I figured, at least, he would be entertaining.

He started talking about his vacation after a particular work project had finished and we exchanged thoughts on places we wanted to visit on our bucket lists.  This was fun as we both liked travel and had a lot to discuss.    Soon after he began sending me photos of the location he choose and I “oohed and aahed” appropriately.  Then he said something along the lines that the vacation would be so much better if a romantic partner came along.  While I agreed, I didn’t actually engage.  He tried multiple times to pull me into a conversation about lounging by the pool and lingering mornings in bed and I simply skirted a full-on discussion that would lead to a sexual interpretation.

Then he began to talk about how we could meet in the city and explore hotels together.  While the conversation was fine because that was how we would meet if we should go further, I once again avoided any discussion of the luxury sheets on the bed or room service.

More than once I mentioned to him he had a once track mind and he would say “I meant watching TV together in bed, silly”  He certainly wasn’t aggressive in his commentary or too pushy, but the undercurrent was there and I wasn’t engaging.  It did eventually begin to annoy me that he couldn’t seem to get off the topic and on to something worth discussing.

We were due to meet Friday after work and I had to cancel due to weather conditions.  I actually got the hint he might be mad that I threw a wrench into his plans.  When he said he was disappointed and then I didn’t hear from him for several hours, I just let sleeping dogs lie.  Eventually he came back around with his flirty self and began to ask what my free nights were over the next week.

While the red flags were there, I could handle them and I figured the flirting would be fun if we hit it off.  He seemed ok, holding the sexy talk at bay.

But there was one big indicator I started to realize and by the time I met him in person it was full fledged verified…..he was so self-involved he could care less about me.  He didn’t ask me questions about anything unless they related to him.  Nothing about my children, my job, my friends, my marriage, my life, my interests, nothing.  Only about pop culture, vacation, hotels and restaurants.

In a last minute decision, we chose to meet for brunch on Sunday in the city.  I chose the place and we met.  It was bitter cold and I was bundled up in a heavy coat and thick clothing, far from sexy.  I figured it was a take-it-or-leave-it deal.  If he didn’t like an average weekend look, then so be it.

He didn’t like me the moment he saw me.  I never know exactly what disappoints these men to be honest.  I look exactly like my photos, but I am not a slender woman.  I’m full all around and perhaps that’s what disappoints them.  In any case, I got the message loud and clear, I can usually tell immediately.

Which is fine.  He was older than his photos, and his stated age.  His hands and neck were very crinkly and I would say he was closer to 60 than 55, if not older.  His face was quite handsome and his shoulders broad, so he made a regal appearance.  But, honestly, he just appeared too old for me.  While I realize I am going to be 50 later this year, I have found very few men who fall into the “younger” looking category and perhaps that’s why I prefer younger men.

I also knew exactly which points of our conversation turned him off.  This became a bit of a silly game for me during the date, to mention going to a Depeche Mode concert with my girls in Stockholm produced a look of disgust across his face – why in the world would I want to travel to another country to stand in a loud concert, especially an 80s band?  His fun meter and mine are clearly different.  I got the feeling he was into “I like to rest and relax with my woman” stage, where I am still all about “let’s go out and have fun!” in addition to the rest and relax.

I don’t think that type of behavior is necessarily related strictly to age, but based on my sampling, men around the 50+ age mark just tend to get “old” and that’s sincerely disappointing.

He also was a braggart and this really was something I couldn’t stand.  He dropped names and wanted to impress me.  While I found much of his job interesting, I am also in a field where I am exposed to certain celebrity – so it doesn’t phase me quite so much.  Nor do I brag about it.  I’ve worked for several famous people.  So what.  He bragged about his job, who he worked for, where he lived and how his son is smart enough to go to Cambridge (at 13 years old).  Enough was enough.  I ordered my third Prosecco cocktail at that point!

In any case, the brunch was lovely, we made nice conversation for 2 hours, then a peck on the cheek and goodbye.  His last words to me, after I thanked him for a lovely afternoon, were “Thanks for making the effort.”

Oh, and no complaints from him about picking up the check.

And so, on to the next.  Because the date itself was ok and I didn’t feel like it was a massive wasted of my time, I consider it a partial fail.

In hindsight, I wouldn’t waste time knowing the red flags too early are still red flags worth staying away from.   But, it was good to see that I can identify the things I don’t like in a conversation well-enough to stay away from them now.  In the past, I would be upset letting a man of his caliber get away, even though I knew he wasn’t right for me.

Now, I just don’t care.