dating – Madeline Harper

Getaway

I haven’t been writing because the truth is there’s just nothing going on. And when I mean going on – not that I don’t keep busy – but my brain feels empty. I feel a bit like I’m disappearing if that can be a thing.

I’m still feeling sorry for myself for all the same reasons prior to the holiday. I ended up so very sick before Christmas that I almost cancelled. The apathy was so strong and layering in a nasty sinus infection made me just lose interest. I was surprised at myself, but that’s where I landed. The apathy created a hole I couldn’t fill. I was feeling like no one really cared what I did or how the holidays went. It didn’t feel important. When I’m not feeling loved I just want to disappear into myself and be left alone – which simply makes it worse, I know that, but that’s what happens.

I ultimately had to convince myself that I would regret not doing all the normal Christmasy things so I found the energy to be present and do the things. I feel sad that the woman who took such joy in these things wasn’t around. A little death, if you will, for the old me. I was there but not in spirit. I’m don’t even think anyone noticed and just assumed I was sick.

Without a doubt I know I need attention. I’m not getting it. Not from my kids. Not from my friends. No partner. No job. A total lack of attention coming my way. It just compounds how crappy I feel. I stay as connected as possible to my Peloton groups because I do get a certain amount of attention there. I’m developing new relationships that start virtually but which I can continue IRL. It doesn’t replace my true long term friendships but it does create a sense of belonging for me. There’s a part of me that is saying “this is a false sense of belonging, you can’t belong to society virtually”. There’s another part of me that says “who the fuck cares, it makes you feel good where you have nothing and no one else”. I don’t know which side of my brain is even right at the point so I do what feels good. It’s a bit like blogging I suppose. Here’s my life in writing and some people interact with me creating connection.

Anyway, not even the reason I started this post. I think you will be proud of me regarding dating. I know I have finally gained a little control over myself. Maybe without all the stressors and pressures of real life I can more clearly see the shit my subconscious has done to me with dating and I’m able to put Trixie on complete lockdown. Not having a feeling of desperation is a relief frankly.

I shut down the dating apps right after Halloween and maybe before Thanksgiving. Somewhere in that period after the last date I had sympathy sex. It wasn’t easy because I needed my ego to be stroked over the holidays and wasn’t able to have that from a partner, even if they were temporary or incompatible partners. In any case, I succeeded in staying off until last week.

I had met Dan around Halloween and we’ve been on a few dates. He doesn’t live here so I’m at his mercy for travel. We already agreed there was nothing more or less to our interactions than enjoying one another. His lack of communication still aggravates me but I generally get over it as quickly as it comes. He shows zero interest until he can meet me and then makes plans. When I’m with him he’s totally focused. We have a fun time. The sex is really good. His cock is literally perfection. There is no depth to our connection.

I caved against my better judgement and asked him what he was doing for NYE hoping he would ask me to join him so I didn’t have to be alone. He originally thought it was a good idea and then decided he would be home (or rather available) with his (older) children. However, he did tell me he was traveling just after the new year and asked me to join him on a short vacation before his work event. I agreed.

So here I sit in the sun by the pool after a weekend of sex with him. He is here for a week and I chose to arrive early Saturday and leave Tuesday. That seemed like enough time to spend with a stranger I wasn’t interested in cultivating a further relationship with.

It’s definitely not easy for me to interact at arms length. I want the romance and silly engagement a love interest brings. But I KNOW that’s not what this is or what it ever will be so I keep reminding myself not to attempt to solicit it from him. I am certainly operating in a strange space. There’s no hand holding, cuddling and giggling. There’s a little of it, of course, but it’s not the constant engagement you get when someone really likes you. There’s a huge part of me that keeps thinking “why don’t you like me MORE?!” That’s the part that wants to see what I can do to engage him more. My common sense has prevailed and I haven’t done any needy moves at all. Not once. That’s why I think you would be proud of me. No tricks. No ulterior motives. I give back what I’m getting. We engage nicely, we laugh together, have really good conversation and we like to drink together. It leaves me wanting more but I think what stops me is I simply know I don’t want more from HIM. It’s a little hard at moments to not be sad I can’t have a normal dating relationship, then I remind myself that he likes me enough to have invited me to spend time in a beautiful resort, all paid for by him, and there’s nothing wrong with where I am right now. This is ok. My person will come.

I can be mostly at ease with him and just talk about whatever I want. I don’t have to worry about how I’m perceived in terms of keeping the relationship. In that respect it’s a bit easier because I’m not always thinking around the corner. I’m just enjoying the time. On the other hand, I can’t be the person I am in relationship that I really like – I like that girl who fawns over her partner and has love in her eyes. I like that connection, the attention and appreciation. I can’t even leave my eyes open during sex, looking into his eyes is just weird. Feels wrong. So I keep them shut, which also feels wrong but it’s the only way I can immerse myself into the feeling of simple sex and eliminate the “need” for heart felt connection. And the sex is really, really good so I am enjoying it immensely.

The whole thing is weird. Not as in wrong, just a new, strange experience. I feel like there “should be” more and I feel like I want more, but my brain is actively overriding my emotion and shutting that shit down to keep it where it should be. It’s an extended booty call.

Learning how to accept comments for face value and not look for more isn’t easy for me. Accepting there is nothing more coming is a new feeling and not a comfortable place for me. However, just like exercise, I now understand I’m going to grow because of the discomfort and that it’s ok to live in an uncomfortable space for a while.

We get on well. He’s really, really good in bed and has the most amazing body for a 52 year old man. He’s not bothered by my scars or loose skin and has clearly told me they don’t matter to him at all. He’s super smart so I enjoy our conversation. I’m not particularly attracted to him so there’s this part of me that wonders how I am managing that disconnect so subconsciously.

So here I am, sitting in the sun even though it’s a little chilly, writing this post and drinking my coffee. About to get motivated to get a workout in at some point today. Not thinking much which seems to be the only way I get through these days of late. Like I said, I feel like I’m slowly just disappearing.

Frame of Mind

It’s been a minute since I’ve written.

To be honest, I don’t have much going on.

Not much is going on. My sister got married and I’m glad the wedding is over and the relationship tips back to normal. I realized I didn’t feel very good through most of this prep. In some ways, I feel like an imitation sister. I’ve been adopted my whole life and never really felt quite like I did during the wedding. I felt like a throw-away, someone she had there because she had to, not because she really wanted to. I felt the strength of her connections with her friends and felt like an outsider. It’s not me she relies upon or me she calls for advice. I’m not even sure how to cultivate a better relationship with her exactly. I don’t get the sense it’s something she really wants – or wants more of. I’m unsure what I want from relationship with her. I suppose it’s just one more person I don’t feel important to and this seems to be a theme in my life.

I was asked to do a podcast, two actually. One was about life struggles and how individuals overcome them and the other is about strong, accomplished women. I finished the first one and found the process super interesting. In the first pass, I understood the interviewer wanted to focus on the Mexico story and travel weight-loss surgery. I was able to tell the sorry quite easily with no emotion and plenty of humor. In the actual interview, there was a significant change to my story because all my emotions were stirred up (made for a very good interview). The emotions caught me by surprise. I have pretty much buried Mexico and what happened to me. The horror of that experience is not something I want to revisit. I acknowledge I carry a great deal of shame for choosing weight loss surgery, wanting to die and subsequently what happened to me post surgery. In particular, I purposely try not to dig too deeply because of the one fact that continues to haunt me: no one came for me. Even when I begged, no one cared enough to come for me. I was dying at one point, I was terrified, and those closest to me couldn’t come.

Logically, I understand why. Emotionally, I can’t address it because I don’t see any other choice but to forgive them and accept what’s happened. They made a choice the same way I made a choice. I don’t think they didn’t come to penalize me, I just think they had other priorities. I don’t even know what I would have done had the tables been turned. Which leads me to a feeling I’ve buried most of my life and pushes me to the outskirts of my depression – I am not anyone’s priority.

We spoke about this in the interview and I definitely had a hard time working through this part of the story. In the end, we edited it out because I don’t want to upset the people who were there for me. And they WERE there. Just, perhaps, not physically. I am worried if I were to ever express the truth of how I felt that I would be considered ungrateful. After all, Mexico was my bad choice and I should live with its consequences.

Since the interview I’ve been struggling with these thoughts because, like I mentioned, I’ve buried them pretty deeply and they simply only cause emotional distress for me. I also don’t see a way to resolve these feelings other than learning to accept what’s passed and move on.

But then there are days, and unfortunately there are many of them recently, where the thought of not being anyone’s priority eats me alive.

My long time closest friend, the Spanish speaker who translated Spanish for me while I was in Mexico, changed all my bandages when I was home, my maid of honor and godmother to my son, is always too busy for me. I never see her or speak to her and I’ve grown tired of constantly asking to see her. She finds time for what’s important to her and I’m not it. Now, if I really needed “help” she would be the first one here. That’s because she finds her own value in helping others. It’s great to have a friend like that, but I love her dearly and would like to connect with her more frequently than once a month. Mind you, I’m not working and I’m very flexible so it’s twice as upsetting when I have the time to spend with her and she basically can’t find the time for me.

My closest cousin, the one who was very busy working to get me out of Mexico and who probably invested the most time in figuring shit out while I was there, comes from a massive tight knit family. Her family will include me in many functions and I love to participate. I’m so happy when I’m with them and I always enjoy myself but I go through some sort of let down once I leave them. I find myself wishing that was my primary family. Once again I feel like I’m on the outskirts looking in.

My kids have really been much better than last year and I am VERY thankful for this change. I try not to push them too far forward too fast because, again, I don’t want to appear ungrateful for the strides they have made. Logically I know kids are kids and boys are boys, but I often feel that I hold no importance. I know this isn’t true and this is just my neediness. I want more demonstrative love and this is just not their way. They really have been good kids lately and I am trying not to put them down in any way because of my own neediness.

I still don’t have a job and there has been NOTHING to be found. I am so over my head in debt for the first time in my life that I am beginning to feel panic rising at the back of my throat. I keep telling myself I just need to get through the end of this year and things will change. I will find a job and be able to pay down my debt. It’s the first time EVER that I am truly scared about the debt I’ve created. People keep asking “what will you do?” And this is becoming frustrating. I don’t know. I don’t know what I will do. Am I wasting time not “doing something else?” I don’t even know what that can be. If I have to become a realtor I would rather die. I am good at my job and want to stay in my industry and would even consider relocation. There are just no jobs out there. Not even consulting ones. I am officially out of money by Feb 1st and have to take from long term savings to survive. This is creating an angst in me that I’ve never experienced. All of this makes me feel like I’m not worthy of being hired. I’m too old. I’m too expensive. (Even though I would take half my last salary). I’m over-qualified. I’m so disappointed in myself that it’s becoming very hard to remain positive.

Then there’s the dating, or better yet, the lack of it. Before I shut down the apps I knew I had hit a low point with my last sex date with Chris. I knew I had to stop what I was as doing because it wasn’t how I wanted to feel. There were two men, both from out of town, that I felt would make good on/off dates when they were here because I could keep them (or keep myself is a better way to say that) at arms length and not invest in the emotional chase. Sex with Dan is pretty good and we have a blast when I see him, but his communication is so horribly inconsistent I still end up aggravated. The other guy, Tom (don’t even think I wrote about him) started off well, we had two fabulous dates, and then his communication and attention plummeted. This is so fucking frustrating to me and puts me right back into the thought pattern of “why can’t I be anyone’s fucking priority?” Not even a small priority. I don’t even think priority is the space I’m looking for as much as just being someone they think about and WANT to reach out to sometimes.

I’ve gained some weight – which isn’t a bad thing but it’s fucking with my head. I had dropped so low, most would say too low for me, that I needed to regain some weight. But I haven’t stopped gaining because I haven’t curbed my eating. Even with all my cardio I’m not losing because I’m eating all the time. I don’t eat much at once but I eat all day. As you can imagine, this screws with my head after weight loss surgery. There was the sick part of me that liked being so thin. That liked seeing that low number on the scale. My goal was always 150 but I loved seeing 130. Sitting around 140-145 isn’t unhealthy but I don’t like it. I want to stay sub 140. That space felt good in my head for the first time in my life. I’m so sick of struggling with the numbers on the scale that I just want them to stay put. Weight loss surgery doesn’t cut out the demons. They are all still there and the effort it takes to quiet them is immense. The only time they recede is under that 140 mark. It doesn’t seem to matter that I’m actually in the best physical shape of my life, my arms look beautiful, my legs feel amazing and I love being stronger than ever and rarely out of breath anymore. The numbers on the scale fuck with my head worse than ever. Especially since I saw what I needed to see for the first time in 20+ years. That number on scale “helps” me forgive myself for the damage done to my body and how badly my stomach looks with its wounds and loose, hanging flesh.

Speaking of wounds, here was a little bright spot. When having sex with Dan, he gently kissed my wound. I knew it was intentional. He also made sure to tell me post sex that he loved my body and the wounds don’t bother him at all, he doesn’t even see them. I appreciated that immensely. I believe him also. It doesn’t change how I think about my tummy, but it does help to calm me down a bit, as long as I can get my weight back down.

So that gets to me to my current frame of mind: not good. Not good at all.

Not working, not dating, not having enough good, consistent sex, not having any money are all very bad places for me to be. My ability to not be depressed is quickly eroding.

I am doing what I can. I actively look for jobs and network. I continue to exercise – although I should be stepping up my game considering I’m unemployed. I bought a studio 10 pack so that I get myself into the Peloton studio and interact in person. I continue to support others in my accountability groups though recently I feel like I am being false. It’s an effort to Log into social media to be positive and emote positivity and gratefulness when I don’t feel it. I do logically understand I have much to be grateful for but I am horrible at making this a practice I believe in. It’s also why I push myself into my accountability groups the same way I pushed myself to get dressed In Workout clothes at the beginning – I will fake it til I make it. This is taking way longer than the 100 days I committed to making fitness a priority. Wayyyy longer.

This time of year warms me and depresses me all at once. I want a boyfriend. I want my person. I want the person who is going to make me a priority. I haven’t had that since pre marriage, since a childhood boyfriend. When I think about it I only feel more damaged and broken. There too many things keeping me down, and too many things making me feel like I’m not important to anyone. I know all about self love and it’s not working for me. Sure, I haves plenty of moments where I am doing a decent job taking care of myself and my family, but I don’t feel any reward in it. It’s. A horrible place to be as I think about this being the 5th Christmas and New Years that I will once again be alone.

When I Don’t Care Enough – Part 2

So, back to how I present on a date….I matched with a nice man and we text back and forth. Turns out he doesn’t live here and comes for business at least once a month for a week. He would be leaving in 2 days. That left only one available night to meet if we wanted to see if we were a match.

The night I had scheduled for my Peloton classes. I am proud to say the thought NEVER crossed my mind to cancel my classes for the date. Two years ago, I would have turned my world upside down for a date. No more. They happen when they happen now.

I’m not for or against a long-distance relationship. Its not my first choice, but I haven’t eliminated the options. If the man was that good of a match, I could consider it – I am not tied to my location beyond the next 2 years when my youngest will graduate HS. Even if there wasn’t a man involved, I do not see staying where I am forever. In any case, my thought process is so different now because I can meet a man for a date to have a nice date, have sex, and go home just as easily as I can potentially meet the man of my dreams. Now that I understand I need to just take each date one moment at a time, it’s much easier for me to disconnect my desire to have a partner from the desire just to go out and have a good time.

So, Dan2 and I matched and had been texting on the app. We agreed to meet after my last class as he was in the city at a client dinner. However, post my 2nd class, his diner ended early and he was getting tired. Just before my 3rd class, he text that he didn’t think he could hold out til 10:30pm. I sent a last text that said “I’m shutting down my phone as I enter class, I hope you change your mind, but I won’t see it until class is over.”

My 3rd class was with a new instructor who engaged with me quite a bit – she told me after class that the previous instructor text her and told her I was coming and I was cool. 🙂 Feels good to be a little on the inside so I soaked this up a bit before I remembered to check my phone for Dan2’s message.

He would wait for me.

Uh oh – I better get moving!

I was in full 80s Madonna costume – I had enough hairspray in my hair to ignite a Chernobyl size explosion. It was crunchy and scary – how I did that in the 80s is beyond me. Light a match and I would go straight up in flames! I had on a lot of black eyeliner and a lot of heavy waterproof makeup (it had to make it through a shit ton of sweaty workouts!) I had to shower without washing my face (I wasn’t going to potentially smell!) and leave my hair the way it was. I only had leggings and a Peloton sweatshirt to wear with my trainers. This is what I mean about not caring how I presented myself.

Basically, I take the chance he rejects me because of my appearance OR I have an opportunity to meet a man that I could enjoy the night with. I chose to believe we could have a good time.

Maybe I thought he wouldn’t meet me? I certainly hadn’t given it thought before I left my home or I would have packed a change of clothes at least.

I was on such a high that I didn’t care what he thought. He seemed to begrudgingly agree to one drink before he headed out to sleep before early morning meetings.

Ok, then, that’s good enough.

The confidence I felt from the evening exercise classes was making me feel like Wonder Woman. I could tell I would impress with my personality when I met Dan. I could feel the energy zipping through me and I aware of the feedback I get when I behave this way. It’s so interesting to me that I have this ability but can’t seem to call it up on command when I need it. It would be a super useful tool to have and would help immensely with all my body image issues.

I think you can guess, the night didn’t end with one drink. I’ve gotten to the point where I know almost immediately when a date is going to go all night, or end quickly, but, actually, I didn’t get my spider-sense upon meeting him. He was super tall, lean and “sort-of” handsome (honestly, I still can’t determine if I think he is or not).

Regardless of any of that – he was interesting Really interesting. The conversations just flowed and flowed and flowed and before we knew it we had each put a bottle of wine behind us as well as several appetizers and it was 1am. I truly enjoyed our dialogue and it was less traditional than many first dates – we just explored a lot of cool topics and he is super smart.

Here’s the surprising part, for me at least….not one kiss or touch the entire almost 4 hours together. Not even an inkling of sexual chemistry. But there was an absolute connection. The energy had worked in my favor.

Very strange for me, indeed.

We went back to his hotel and the first kiss commenced. I have no feeling about it one way or the other, it was a good kiss. When he asked me up, I agreed, but still not feeling the typical craziness (or even drunkness) I generally have at this point.

Of course we had sex. I didn’t come up to his room expecting any different. But, the sex was different, for me at least. I didn’t go out of my way to please him, or even explore him. Just before undressing I stated simply that I had quite a bit of surgery and had a lot of scars on my belly that made me uncomfortable. I then proceeded to strip down and out of my clothes entirely- a complete FIRST! Go me!

Somewhere, deep deep deep in my head, I put the statement out to the universe and chose to let go. If I didn’t stay in my head full of worry about my appearance I would never enjoy the sex. I love sex. So I let go. When I took my top off and threw it to the floor, my inhibition went with it. He would have full view of the wounds and all the loose flesh.

He didn’t hesitate. Or I didn’t notice. Either way, forward we went.

His body was amazing for a man his age. Every ripple and muscle was accentuated. I have never been with a man as rock solid as this and now I understood the appeal. It was a beautiful thing to behold and enjoy. He made me cum very easily, and twice, which is also unusual for me. When he came up to have sex with me, and started to penetrate, I realized I had zero idea what his cock was like.

Holy fuck.

He was huge. My eyes rolled back into my head with pleasure. He was long and thick and knew exactly how to wield his instrument. I could tell he was holding back so not to cause any pain for me. He was big and we couldn’t go full throttle because of it but whatever we did was pretty fucking awesome.

Sex was fabulous and he asked me to stay the night but I just didn’t want to. I lie in his arms for some time before he walked me down to get my car.

The next day he called from the airport telling me he had tried to move his flight out to the next day but had been unable to do so. He also looked at his calendar and proposed several dates he could see me – not in my city, but where he could bring me to the city he was working in. He had clearly put some thought into how he could see me every other week. My old reaction to this would have been major excitement. Unwarranted excitement. This time I took it with a groan of salt and just discussed, rationally, what might work in the coming weeks.

He ended up suggestion to come back to my city in 2 weeks if he could.

As it turned out, he couldn’t make it back to me and his communication skills are sorely lacking. We had spoken about his style / my style before he left and agreed it could be a bigger block than anything else. He is single minded and focused on what’s he focused on when he’s focused on it. I usually hear something from him each day or two, but a text conversation generally ends abruptly with no follow up. We have nice phone conversations at random. Bottom line, he is unable to form any relationships based on his style and he admits to it. He can’t balance his life.

I’m glad I realized this and it doesn’t phase me. When I hear from him, I hear from him. When I don’t, well that’s fine too. We had a fun night, good sex, some amazing orgasms and I’m sure we will remain friendly for when he returns to my city. I don’t think he’s the right match for me in any case because of his typical communication style – it would drive me mad if the person I was seeing had freestyle communication skills.

Next.

When I Don’t Care Enough – Part 1

Sometimes, not often, I don’t really care about how I am going to present on a date.

There are some men who I get the sexual tension from quickly, and I want to impress those men with sexy heels and a hot outfit. Other men don’t seem to give off the same vibe and I don’t get as excited about the first meeting and what I am wearing, and perhaps a little, how I look. Frankly, I tend to prefer the men with whom I get the tension with – even if the date doesn’t get legs, the initial date and flirting is just more fun. I love the sexual tension and I love to look sexy. Especially now….sexy now is an entirely different thing than it was before. My body requires little to no effort to appear sexy to a man who likes a lean, fit woman. This is a major head trip, for me. I love the fact that nothing is uncomfortable when I wear it any longer. Most articles of clothing are going to look good on me no matter what. I can wear heels all night long. I’ve always had the feeling of “being” sexy, but now its much more prevalent since I am proud of my body (well, the exterior, the wounds and loose skin get compartmentalized when I am getting dressed because they are under wraps). I don’t think my behavior is any different, but removing the physical self doubt is a massive relief.

I did choose weight loss surgery after all.

And then I chose to take care of the gift of life I was given post all the trauma. I’m super fit and lean now. I feel better physically and find that the working out helps me redirect a lot of negative energy. I never thought I would be the one to say it but I love how the fitness makes me feel now. It has changed my life.

This is a bit long-winded story about how I didn’t care how I looked on a first date. I had matched with someone who wanted to meet this particular night.

I had planned to do something quite out of character for me – I decided to go into the Peloton studios and do 3 classes in a row, in costume, for Halloween. Alone. Why? No reason at all. More like, why not? I could. I love my Peloton classes and getting in studio is always awesome. Plus, not that I admit this to any of my friends or family, but there is probably some attention factor in here. Going to the studio gets me noticed by my instructors and creates a more personal bond when you interact with them on social media. When I’m not working, the Peloton social community is my primary source of accountability. If I make a post that I will do something, I do it. I don’t know how the logic of that works for me, but it does. So when I feel like I need a little push to step out of a comfort zone, I post before I think about it too much. Then I’m committed.

The classes started at 6:30pm and would end by 10:30pm. It was a pretty big fitness commitment and when I am in studio, it also means a push effort – I don’t want to “take it easy” on myself in studio. All classes have a “spotlight” bike, tread or mat. In the past, I have chosen this spot knowing I would be on camera for the studio taping of the on-demand classes. Unexpectedly, I ended up in this spot in 2 classes -in full costume – doing classes that were so far out of my comfort zone that I questioned the sanity of these spontaneous choices. I did a 45 minute run (I have never run that long) and a 30 minute yoga class (I never did a studio yoga class and I can’t do half the poses). Of course, in the end, it worked out amazingly well and I had a blast and did just fine. I loved being on camera (sort of, off to the side and in the dark, but still! Lol)

I did trip on the treadmill towards the end! Whoops! No one saw, right?

It reminded me that I like the spotlight and the competition. My personality feeds off these things, but I forget that it does. I should really consider how to tap into more of this part of myself – because I am good at putting myself out there. My confidence takes a huge leap and I become like a different person. I recall times in my life where the spotlight was on me that it brings out my type A competitive nature and I want to crush whatever it is I am doing. I can’t create this feeling, or even call it up – but when it happens I love it. I know athletes are able to tap into this ability to focus themselves and hype themselves up for competition, but when I try to do that, it doesn’t work the same as when it happens organically. I hadn’t actually thought of this before and maybe I should do a little research on why this happens with me.

This night, it was all organic. Sort of. I had set myself up for the potential something could happen, by being in costume, being present and interactive, and I was going to be equally as ok if nothing happened. But, it did – I was noticed, ended up on camera, and made new friends. I loved every minute. No one was there who knew me or could judge, and the side of my personality that I normally don’t let loose too often – you can call it my cocky side -comes out. My confidence and happiness overflow and I can affect those around me. It’s such a natural high.

It was several hours of high intensity interaction and exercise. I loved every minute. If I could somehow tap into that energy more frequently, it would be amazing – I don’t know where it would take me because it feels boundless. However, times like this – where the energy is flowing so heavily from within – exhaust me for days. Add into it my chronic anemia, which happens to be keeping me down because it’s time for an iron infusion, and one event like this could knock me out for a week.

The bottom line was – after these classes I was going to be a mess. My hair was a birds nest of hairspray and curls, my makeup soaked through, and I would be a soppy sweaty mess. I would be able to take a shower post the last ride, but there was nothing I could do about makeup or the fact I had worn yoga pants going into the studio. Hardly the ideal condition to meet someone for the first time…..

2 Dates 2 Days 2 Duds

I can definitely feel a bit of woe-is-me at the moment. I just want to date someone for chrissakes and I swear there are literally no available, worthwhile men at the moment. My friends are experiencing the same frustrations so I know it’s not just me.

When I’m frustrated like this I don’t make good choices.

I’m sure it was a bit of aggravation around Marshall’s communication that led me to deciding to meet John for a date. We had been chatting back and forth by text for about a week – very randomly and nothing intense, and had already set up a date, when I realized I hadn’t spoken to him on the phone. We agreed to a quick chat the night before our planned.

His initial text cadence was healthy and engaged and not over the top. But when I got on the phone with him, it felt like another person entirely. I chalked it up to nerves at first, but the conversation never improved. We went from seemingly having things in common to a relatively glaringly obvious mismatch. I knew from the phone conversation I shouldn’t have planned to meet him. I was actually annoyed with his phone conversation for reasons I can’t quite articulate – but that was the feeling I was left with which certainly isn’t a good sign.

And, I was already unsure about his looks. I try to be democratic in my dating choices, I really do, but I clearly have a formula for my physical preferences that is deep seated and hard for me to overcome. Tony overcame them, that’s for sure. But no one before or since has been able to jump that hurdle in my head.

We met the next night and, while he was exactly the physical let down I expected, the night started off well-enough. Until 10 minutes later when we didn’t have much to talk about. I have dozens of funny stories and good experiences to share and I do so easily, but only when I feel like the conversation merits that kind of engagement. He didn’t ask questions, he seemed oblivious to how to engage me (or any woman) and came off kind of dumb (maybe dopey is a better word because I know he’s smart and well educated with a good job). He couldn’t explain his job to me. He talked about his kids as if they were gods (this makes me nuts when parents are so in love with their kids that they are seemingly perfect) so finally I asked why he got divorced.

His reply “I have no idea.” Ok, that’s a first. No idea why you got divorced? After 3/4 years? Then he said she “cheated” on him. That would be “cheating” while they were separated under one roof and she already said she wanted a divorce. He really couldn’t pinpoint the demise of the marriage. I found it baffling. But then a light clicked on, he’s oblivious. He doesn’t see anything really except through some weird rose color glasses. Just gets through life one day to the next with no particular path or ambition. Everyone should be happy and there should be no conflict with anything. Once I realized just how oblivious he was, I asked if he had been dating. He then explained two relationships where he dated a woman for several months and then they just ghosted him. Had no clue why. Wow. Repeat behavior and he still can’t figure himself out.

We had been drinking – he drank more than me believe it or not – so the night passed with my inquisition 😂 into his life because I was fascinated. Same behaviors with family and friends. Relationships dissolved and he had no clue why. Just went along with life.

We kissed goodnight and it was horrible. He asked me out again and I nodded but couldn’t bring myself to say much, even though I knew we were not going out again. The next day he text politely and said a entirely ridiculous thing about fashion – looking back I didn’t respond very kindly (I was direct and to the point which can come across aggressive or mean in a text, I get it) and then I haven’t heard from him since. That’s fine. He wouldn’t understand why anyway! 😂

The next day I had matched with Jon and he gave me his number quickly because he was at soccer with his son. We had a quick back and forth exchange and then he sent me a video of a program he hosted. He looked super handsome, had an amazing voice, and was obviously really, really smart. Maybe an hour of back and forth text and he asked me out for that evening. I figured why not, lasts nights date was a bust and maybe this handsome guy would make up for it. At least he didn’t seem oblivious to the world.

Welp, I was wrong. Jon was equally as oblivious to the world as the first John. I couldn’t even believe I found two in a 24 hour span.

He was handsome and well dressed when he arrived. We started conversation pretty easily and found unusual topics for a first date (sustainable environments and criminal negligence). We made it through the first drink unscathed, until something dawned on me about his job. I asked him more detailed questions and uncovered that he had been a city cop for 20 years until retirement, and only more recently had become a professor (the video he sent me). Without any doubt, he was suppressing the city cop in him – I know it’s biased, but no joke, they are all seemingly cut from the same mold. He was putting on a little performance for me with his professor side because he felt I was an intelligent business woman. Was this super obvious – no, but the cues we’re there and I started picking up on them one by one.

Then I noticed other similarities to the first John. I asked this Jon about his marriage and he also stated he had NO CLUE why his wife wanted a divorce. By the time she told him she physically served him with papers. He spent a good twenty minutes talking about how this all went down and how he thought about it while I ordered my second glass of wine. Listening to him speak was like watching paint dry.

What happened to the interesting man he stared out to be?

He couldn’t hold up the performance. He is as dull as the day is long. He has no idea just how dull he is. Another oblivious man. I can’t believe I found two back to back.

This was the first date in a long time that I actually HAD to drink just to get though. I tried multiple times to end conversation and leave and he wasn’t picking up in any cues.

By the time we did leave I was pretty buzzed but not enough to ask him back to my place. Didn’t even matter because he invited himself – which I said a flat out NO! to. He wouldn’t stop talking to me by the car so I finally leaned in for a kiss goodnight and holy hell was it awful. His tongue was like an iron rod jammed into my mouth with zero flexibility or motion. It was the strangest kiss I’ve had in a long time. I couldn’t stop kissing him fast enough to get away from the poker tongue! 😂

I told my close girlfriend the next morning what happened and sent her the video he had shared with me. Turns out her sister had gone out with him the week before and felt exactly the same! When he text that morning he mentioned he would like to be waking me up in his “special way” and I quickly wrote I didn’t think we were a match.

With both men I recognize my lack of sticking to my “list” of requirements – at least my initial ones (that have never been wrong). I need to remind myself that, when we have the first phone call, if he’s not easily funny and I’m not laughing then he’s not going to be any better in person. Also, if the conversation isn’t organic (meaning you don’t have to pull out info, questions come from both sides easily, you are reciprocally engaged) then that also won’t be any better in person. Without fail, those two rules of mine have NEVER been wrong. The dates suck when the men don’t engage and are not funny. The dates are great when they do. This is exactly how Tony got around my physical attributes – he had me laughing so hard and was so engaged that I knew I had to meet him, and he kept it coming.

Just to add some insult to injury, a third man I was speaking to via text only also told me he had NO IDEA why his wife wanted a divorce. I went back and looked more closely at his photos, and while he was super handsome, he also looked intimidatingly serious. I dove into his background a bit more and found out he was also in law enforcement for many years. It felt like deja vu! I politely and quickly told him we were not a match.

I know I’m cycling too fast and need a break, but while I’m out of work dating is a great time filler and distraction. I just wish there was one decent guy out there for me.

Goodbye Marshall

This post is going to take more time to write than its worth.

But, the thought of Marshall woke me in the middle of the night and I had to have a stern taking to myself.

I didn’t answer Marshall’s phone call Thursday. Nor did he leave a message. Didn’t hear a word from him at all. And it was bugging me – figure that one out – I don’t care about him at all, had no desire for anything more or less from him, but it bugged me he just ghosted me like that.

So I text him Tuesday and a quick recap of the text went something like this:

M: Hi Marshall

Him: Hi Madeline

M: How are you?

Him: I’m well. Working and making bulletproof meatloaf. How are you?

M: Bulletproof meatloaf? What needs to be bulletproof about a meatloaf? Or do you mean you leave out the bread (that just makes it a big meatball! 😂)

M: My friend was here all weekend and we went to 13th hour haunted house and had so much fun screaming and running!! The actors loved us!! 😂🙃

Him: Yes essentially a healthy meatball. Glad you had fun.

M: Is something wrong? You didn’t exactly open up conversation in that last text and I haven’t heard from you in a while.

Him: Tried calling you Thursday, didn’t hear back.

M: You left a message?

Him: No

M: I missed that but don’t know why you wouldn’t call or text again.

And that’s it. No reply. Nothing.

So why does it bother me? It shouldn’t because I already knew I didn’t care. In our last conversation prior to this I was sort of getting sick of trying to understand his perspective on lifestyle coaching and getting zero engagement.

For instance, he wants to coach people on the importance of sleep. Since I had done quite a bit of research for myself earlier this year, I felt I could discuss this topic with him and open dialogue. He started with “I get a solid 8 hours of deep sleep every evening as tracked by my special watch.” I asked if that was possible because in my research NO humans need or get more than 2-3 hours of deep sleep per evening because you need more REM sleep. He flat out disagreed, told me his research and his watch supported it and basically shut down my information. In frustration I went back to do more research and came up with the exact same info after digging further. He told me I wasn’t looking into the right resources. When I asked him which resources he only indicated research from his coaches. He is like talking to a wall. So as much as I wanted to learn more, his inability to flex (which he claims is his greatest strength) was astounding.

I’m convinced this is a man who isn’t capable of deep relationship. He doesn’t have ANY. He has just started a relationship with his 17 year old daughter in the past year. When I ask who his friends are and who he confides in and speaks to, he can only refer to his coaching buddies.

I guess I’m am entirely confused about what self-actualization is because it feels to me like self-absorption.

Anyway, this post is about me, not Marshall.

Why did the idea of him not replying to me wake me up? I hate when people say one thing and behave differently so this normally eats at me – but I didn’t like him enough to let it disturb my sleep. So that’s when the stern talking to cane into play. I told my brain to shut down, I do not care about Marshall, I do not care that he is the only man in my life at present, he wasn’t going to fill any real voids for me and I wasn’t going to allow my brain to throw a wrench in that I “needed” to hold on to the little I had with him.

Nope. Not holding on, brain, so let it the fuck go. There will be better for me. Period.

Once I properly chastised myself I fell immediately into a sound sleep, woke up and deleted Marshall.

I am still surprised that, even though I have come so far that my brain wants to go back to its bad habits. I don’t need a man like Marshall in my life JUST to have a man in my life, they are a dime a dozen. I want the right man and he was nothing more than a placeholder. Placeholders shouldn’t wake me at night or even require thought.

Like I said, that took longer to write than it was worth. But it’s good for me to continue to remind myself I am worthy. Marshall, on his best day, didn’t deserve me.

Thank you, next.

Tonight’s date is with John. I already know this isn’t going to go well after we had our first phone conversation last night. I’m sitting here typing this berating myself for being a coward not to cancel the date after I spoke to him.

The Candy Man

Since Marshall wasn’t really right for me, I have been peeking in and out of the dating apps. I connected with a man who, on paper, seemed like a pretty good match. Handsome, tall, well-educated, good job, looking for a LTR.

Jim is a nice man with plenty to say. Easy to connect with on text and looking forward to a phone call. We chatted by text a couple days and then had one call before he was off to China for a week for work. He was super easy to talk to and had an interesting background, but there were two things I couldn’t quite put my finger on. One was the nasal pitch in his voice seemed to come and go depending on how excited he was when he was talking. I know this probably sounds rude, but I’m not saying it to him so here goes – when he got excited about something and started laughing and speaking, his voice rose in pitch and became almost whiney and was a real turn off. He also found himself quite funny and I couldn’t even follow his stories enough to get the punch line to laugh, I kept thinking I was missing something! The second thing was how he spoke about himself in passing and that he referred to himself as bad, goofy, and some others that I can’t recall – but words I wouldn’t really want to use to describe a man (or even myself) . He was also very focused on physique and more than once said how handsome, youthful and fit he was. Don’t bang your own drum, dude, Its so not attractive.

I guess that was more than 2 things I noticed were not quite right.

He kept in touch via text while in China, which was nice, A daily short check in, nothing much. We had another phone conversation when he returned from his business trip to set up a date. The seance phone call cemented the feelings I had gotten in the first, he wasn’t right for me.

I already knew before the date I wasn’t going to like him enough, but I wanted to be hopeful. He was super nice.

But, on the second phone call he also explained he was married twice. 2 older daughters on this coast and 2 younger daughters on the other coast. I know life takes some pretty strange turns, but an absent parent to 2 small girls, one who is autistic, strikes me the wrong way. I’ve really gotten judgey lately.

I arrived to the bar, my standard first date bar, and he had secured a seat for us. The waiter came quickly to offer drinks and we started chatting. He was handsome, but (keeping with the judgey theme here) not my kind of man. Since I had committed to the date, I was going to be pleasant and hope for the best.

Jim is easy to talk to, there’s plenty on his mind. He asked me so many questions that I spent some time story telling. He has ADD so he often had me repeat and backtrack. He commented after a while that I wasn’t asking him any questions (see, in my mind, that means the person isn’t really all that interested in you when they are not asking questions – I don’t ask because I don’t need to find out more because I’m not that interested….I think everyone does this) I did ask him some more questions about his children and he tried to tell me several stories that he started with “this is a funny story” but honestly, it wasn’t. He just wasn’t funny and his storytelling ability wasn’t all that strong.

Then he teased me about a few things. Teasing is ok, even funny sometimes. But when it’s done over and over, repeating the same tease, it becomes unfunny pretty damn fast.

On my profiles I indicated I am 47 when I am actually 52. I do this for search purposes and every profile also clearly states my correct age within the profile. Its common dating app behavior. Since he missed the fact that I was 52 in the profile and had to go back to check, he quickly made a joke (in one of our phone calls) about my lying on the dating sites to get younger men. I did try to explain why I did it, but he didn’t want to hear it – he thought it was hysterical that I lied. And that became his “go-to” joke of the evening. I believe he probably commented on age about 10 times before I finally told him I didn’t find it funny. It didn’t bother me, I wasn’t upset, it just wasn’t funny. At one point when he did it again and I rolled my eyes, he jumped up to come over to hug me and say he was sorry if his teasing upset me. I explained to hime, again, I wasn’t upset, I am not worried about my age, I simply just didn’t find the humor in it, yet he kept joking ad nauseam. He didn’t see my point of view and insisted I was really upset that he was teasing me. I really just wanted to get out of there at this point.

Jim works for a large candy distributor and had brought me a massive bag filled with goodies from his work, he was really kind, but he was (exactly as he had described) goofy. Goofy is not a trait I like. You can be goofy with your kids, you can be goofy with your mates, but when you are on a date – please don’t be goofy. I don’t think he can help it, he is actually a goofy kind of guy in a doh-doh-doh kind of way.

The date went fine, we shared some food. He did another (what he thought was kind) thing and let me order an app he knew Ioved but he wouldn’t eat, and didn’t say so. When the food came, of course I only ate half and the rest went to waste. It wasn’t until a bit later whenI realized it was being wasted that I asked him if he didn’t like Tuna Tartare and he admitted he didn’t but was trying to be polite. I only thought it was wasteful – had he told me he didn’t eat it, I would have eaten the entire app myself and only tasted the others, allowing him more food for the choices he liked. Or, just not shared. Either would have been fine had he spoken up. It wasn’t a bad thing, I just thought it was a bit strange not to speak up.

He mentioned multiple times how his new apartment really needed a woman touch. He complimented me much too much, particularly on my shape (muscles and slimness). He was a bit googly-eyed over me, which would be welcome when I like someone! $:\$ He talked to much about his own age (57) and how youthful and fit he was. Honestly, he did look younger than his age, but not as young as he thought – he did not look like a man in his 40s.

Jim really didn’t do anything wrong, he was just too goofy for me overall and his whiney voice grated on me by the end of the evening. I had to drive him round to his car parked in a further lot so we kissed goodnight….it was not a good kiss, so it further cemented the “definitely not for me in my head.

I thanked him in person and by text later that evening. He text 2 days later that he was thinking of me, or at least I think thats what the text was because he used an acronym I never say “TAU” (thinking about you?). I didn’t reply as I was out with my friend, but I also still haven’t replied. I should be kind and not ghost because I know how it sucks. If he writes again, I will be honest, but if he doesn’t, I will let it go.

I feel like dating is becoming more of a drag than not lately.

More Marshall

Marshall did come back after our first date and subsequent first date sex.

I know that I am enjoying time with Marshall because there is no one else and I find him harmless. And, I mean harmless to ME. Marshall just isn’t the kind of guy I can fall for.

I believe I mentioned in the first post that he didn’t ask very many, if any, questions. He feels like he is exactly where he is supposed to be in life and things that are meant to be will manifest themselves, he doesn’t need to pursue them as long as he stays on the path he is on. He doesn’t feel as though his life is missing anything, including a partner.

He can be equal parts interesting and frustrating to speak to. Interesting because he’s got so much training in his coaching fields and I am curious about that. But he is actually unable to share much because he will often say his meetings and courses just manifest themselves into something special thats hard to describe. He can’t actually explain what they talk about, what they accomplish during courses, and how it gets applied. If I were ask him to give me some pointers or direction, he tells me that coaches are good listeners and not there to offer advice. When we speak about something that he “knows about” there is no debate or discussion because he has already done his research and made up his mind about (whatever the topic is) and doesn’t see the point in debate as he knows he is correct. I find it nearly impossible to have an actual engaging conversation with him, or perhaps better described as a reciprocal conversation, because he doesn’t actually interact in that way – now I am finding HIM hard to describe! lol.

Marshalls communication cadence is a killer for me in any relationship that I am interested in pursuing further. He will write and call at random, say random things, and then not appear again until a day later. When I questioned him about this, and also explained that it was difficult style for me because I am a words of affirmation person, he reinforced it was “my issue” because that was his style. He isn’t tied to his phone and doesn’t let that guide him during a day. He texts if he is thinking of me, but it doesn’t mean he needs to engage in further conversation with me. He calls when he wants to hear my voice, but doesn’t leave a message asking to call back, or even send a follow up text to say he called.

I tried to flirt with him a little by text and ask if he liked it. He replied of course he liked it and it was very welcome. But after a few sexy text with no engagement, I stopped. Non-reciprocated flirting is not fun.

He stopped by my home twice for a quick visit and some general making out and we discussed where we would have sex. My boys are almost always home and my house would take some planning. He said he had no issue having sex at his home, with his older daughter upstairs. We planned the next date out, with an unspoken arrangement to go back to his home afterwards. One night he was over we got a bit hot and heavy and I was pleasantly surprise he was able to make me cum, quite hard, with his fingers alone. I don’t recall the last time a man did that. I was left breathless.

So, I had pretty squarely put Marshall into the “right now” camp and was content with my decision. Decent enough sex, fun enough dates, and a nice enough man until another comes along thats more engaging than he is.

The next date was fun, I stick to two glasses of wine which is enough for me to loosen up but not be drunk. During the date I told him I had quite a bit of surgery and was conscious of the scars on my belly during sex. He acknowledged it, but didn’t say anything. I’ve already realized Marshall is never going to “give me” what I need – the words, but I am still struck by his lack of engagement on whats clearly an important topic to me. Other than the first date, he has never commented on my looks, what he likes about me, what he likes from me, or what he finds engaging between us. That’s because, for him, everything is as it should be and it doesn’t need discussion. This is starting to irk me, but I am trying to understand his perspective and ways because I am curious (enough) about him.

When we went back to his house, my brain went into judgement mode, which is a bit unusual. The house is so tiny, but ill kept. Crammed with furniture that doesn’t belong in a small home, poorly organized. It didn’t feel clean to me because there are gadgets everywhere – air purifiers, water purifiers, a little indoor garden etc. He has a dog which is allowed everywhere in the home, and I personally don’t like this. Even Mike’s apartment, which he had only lived in for a few months, felt clean, organized and well kept. This house felt like a shell with lots of stuff crammed inside. This wasn’t a great feeling for me.

The sex that night was good, not great. Sort of like the first time. He tried to make me cum, but my body wasn’t having any of it. I really didn’t know what he liked and didn’t like other than his cock staying hard. His body odor disturbs me a bit. Because he is all-natural everything and wants to eliminate all toxins where he can, he doesn’t use deodorant with aluminum. But when he sweats, the deodorant he is using just isn’t doing the job and I am super sensitive to smell. He is also fully ketogenic – so he sort of tastes mildly like broccoli.

The night wasn’t bad, but since we walked in his home, I was off….my brain was whirring in too many directions.

A day or two later I happened to be at a grocery store near his home and he happened to text. He asked me to stop by, so I did. we took the dog for a walk and chatted about random nonsense. He always holds my and which is sweet, and stopped for multiple kisses. I wonder if he thinks showing the attention is enough? I don’t even know.

Thats was last Monday. I didn’t hear from him on Tuesday or Wednesday, nor did I text. Thursday night he finally called me, but I didn’t answer because I was going out on another date. He didn’t leave a message. I’m writing this post on Sunday night and I still haven’t heard from him.

I’ve thought about him, and I’ve thought about texting him to say hello. Some little things with me have happened that I know he would be interested to chat about. But, I feel like “why”…why should I bother to reach out to him when he doesn’t seem to even try to communicate in a way that works better for me. In a very passive way he has made it clear this is how he does things, and he doesn’t see the need to change.

He said one very telling thing to me the last time we were together – that he has only ever been in love once with the first girl he dated. He’s never had his heart broken by a woman and he loved his wife, but wasn’t necessary in-love with his wife. He just thought getting married was the thing to do then. He hasn’t even felt the beginning stages of love in the past 20 years. Don’t you think that’s a bit odd? Don’t we all get those butterflies at some point when we meet someone great?

I think he only gets that feeling with his life coaching things, he talks about his coaches and his practice like a lover and gets a glow on his face and a far away look in his eyes. Maybe he doesn’t actually know how to love a partner because he’s so self-absorbed. Someone said in the comments that addicts tend to become addicted to something else once they stopped drinking and I can see how addicted he is to getting to his next level of self. He talks about the theory of aging backwards and living well not your hundreds – when he asked if I am interested in that I clearly stated “No.” I mean it, I don’t want to outlive my children, family and friends even if I am in the best health in the world. I am also just fine with a little bit of negative ions, aluminum in my deodorant and carbs. I now he doesn’t think his life is hard work, but it is for anyone around him – he just doesn’t care.

I have said to him I think it would be quite difficult for anyone to be in relationship with him unless they were in a similar space of growth. He disagreed with me, because he sees me as open-minded and in a hyper-growth stage of life. I don’t think he even sees himself anymore, he’s chasing some sort of feeling, some place of perfect self-actualization. I read that people who are seeking this state, or have attained it, tend to prefer to be detached, like their privacy, and are independent of their social environment as they are so hyper-focused on self-growth. I don’t even think I want to be with a person like that – I want them to be focused on me AT THE SAME TIME they are working on making themselves a better human!

I admit I am interested and curious about all of this self-actualization and the coaching, but being around Marshall oftentimes just feels weird, like we are not sharing the experience but we are both in the same place at the same time having the experience together – does that even make sense?

Anyway, I find it curious he hasn’t called me or text me in a while, so that may or may not be the end of Marshall.

Yesterday

I’ve been thinking of Tony on repeat for the past 48 hours.

My son and I watched a movie called “Yesterday” based on Beatles music. The movie is super cute and well worth the watch. I hadn’t heard of it before and it’s about a worldwide blip which erases The Beatles from existence (along with cigarettes and Coke among other things!). A young man takes all their songs and reintroduces them to the world, having to recall all the lyrics and music makes the movie so much fun along the way and it’s entirely singable. Very quirky and unexpected.

All I could think of was “I knew a person who could have been the lead in that movie”. Tony has been in my mind since I’ve seen it. He would take such joy in this movie and it’s silly and sweet journey. I couldn’t help but think of him all during the movie (besides the fact he sang many of these songs over out time together) and in the following hours.

Plus, my son and I have been listening to the Beatles on repeat for 2 days as well.

It’s sort of killing me inside.

So what can I do about that? When something resonates so strongly it becomes a physical thing again. I know what joy he would get watching this movie. I would love to share it with him.

Nothing. I can do nothing.

What did I do?

I posted on IG, and now I know he’s watching. I posted that the movie was fabulous, you should go watch it and “I used to know someone who could be the lead in this movie because he knew every song by heart.” I posted what I was thinking and feeling.

Is it poking the bear again? Maybe. I am not trying to solicit contact. That was the best way I could get this overwhelming feeling out into the universe without reaching out to him directly.

So there’s that. 🙄

The First Surprise

Ever since A week ago Sunday I’ve been pretty mellow. Whatever was eating at me, which probably included some PMS, has passed. I am overall less anxious.

I am bummed about Mike. Yep, I still think about it. Is it obsessing? I dunno. Maybe. I am starting to believe it’s just the way I process stuff. Maybe I can’t change that, maybe I can. I still really don’t know. I only know I can control the behavior. I made a last attempt, despite my better senses, and invited him to a party this Saturday. He replied immediately, said he was interested, and then said he had to see what his kiddo was doing. It took him 4/5 days to get back and decline. I suppose at least he’s polite? Ugh.

I also suppose that’s the equivalent of sticking a needle in my eye for a man I’ve only gone out with twice. I shouldn’t have done it. He’s past his expiration and I need to stop.

But it does eat at me. I just wish I knew why with these guys. What is it that I can’t seem to make it past the start? I don’t think it’s sex, I just don’t agree that’s the deal breaker for seeing someone or not again. I believe he met someone else around the same time as me and she’s a better choice for him. Or whatever. Who cares. I need to stop thinking about it.

Tom continues to check in mostly daily. A good morning almost every single morning and then a random evening check in. I will reply like I reply to any friend. But the minute I sense he wants to get sexy I just stop. Sure, I would love to go out with him and give him a sexual spin per se, but I’m not interested in the phone sex with him. He can’t seem to find time to see me and I never ask. If he says something like “I wish I could kiss you right now” I usually say “me too!” And it drops.

At one point over the past weekend, when I was drinking, he sent a text to ask if I was having fun. I replied that I was drunk by that point. He replied with “nice” and then sent a video of his daughter taking a riding lesson. I was seriously like WTF? I write back “Very nice. But if I’m telling you I’m drunk, the last thing on my mind is watching a video of your daughter.” I truly didn’t think he would write again after that little dig. But he did and laughed it off.

That’s the end of the better selection of men the last month. I am bored, frustrated and tired of looking for Mr. Right.

I was scrolling again but matches are non-existent these days. I was surprised to see my first match, an oldie but goodie: Rob.

I reached out to say hello and ask how his kids were. He replied and said “we should get a drink!” So I called his bluff and said “let’s go as friends!” He agreed. A few days later I asked when he wanted to get the drink? I was surprised he made a plan!

We met a week ago Thursday at a local bar and had a fun time. Since I didn’t have any investment in him this time around, I was able to keep the conversation humming along. If I had still felt like he had potential, I may have been frustrated he didn’t ask a lot of questions. He remembered more than I thought. When we left we have an amazing makeout session in the Parking lot. I could feel how excited he was. He felt different than last year, much more confident.

We parted amicably and I sent a follow up text later: how about we are FWB, it could be fun. He replied with an absolute yessssss and 10 exclamation points. Said a few more positive things out thinking it could be a great things and I said goodnight. He said he will ask me out again. That was a week ago. It hasn’t crossed my mind. But it was a nice surprise.

I think I can do it now, FWB. But only with certain men that have no long term potential for me.

I’m still frustrated about Mike and bummed no one can just be honest about what happens.

I know all of this sounds like I’m only focused on dating but it’s not even close. It’s just that I need to write about dating as it’s the most frustrating thing that I can’t handle alone.