I’m giving away the ending with the title. Oh well.
I think I could write a series on this one event, honestly This one threw me for a loop. But, I also still haven’t learned to write in an edited fashion and tend to write out every detail, so I’m going to try something different with this post.
This is a GREAT reminder that I should ALWAYS trust my instincts. I could have done worse, BUT, I still didn’t listen to the little voice inside that told me he wasn’t for me. Before I was sick, I didn’t see so many of the red flags that I pick up so quickly now. Now, I see them and tell myself “maybe I should give this person a chance.”
I’m doing that because I’m lonely and it leads to nothing. I am trying to fight this deep seated loneliness (of course compounded by the fact I have no job and that makes me feel worthless) and I do better some days than others. I am losing my tolerance for these complete assholes lately, and there are so very many of them in the dating world. Which is also why I think I’ve given the sort-of-too-boring (for me) men a chance more recently – though that hasn’t worked well for me either.
I met Jim (Jim2) just about a week ago on Bumble. We matched, we text on the app a bit and exchanged numbers. We spoke quickly on the phone to arrange an unusually fast date. He lives in the city but was coming to a town close to me for a business meeting and would I consider meeting him for a very quick lunch? I agreed and found a place for us to eat and would need to drop him at his appointment post lunch.
Jim checked all the boxes, on paper, all but one – he wasn’t specifically appealing to me because he was a redhead, but I wasn’t going to eliminate him because of it. When I met him, I was attracted and that was all that mattered. He was 6’1″, lawyer turned investment banker, 57 years old, moved to the city 6 months ago, 2 older boys in college, ex wife of 10 years lives in another state, charming, very educated, gregarious and ambitious. Not exactly funny, but we did laugh together. This was off to a very good start.
Now here’s where I am going to try something different with my writing so I’m not literally mapping out every minute of my dates. Bear with me if the style is awkward, I’m trying….
Our lunch went well and we hit it off. He asked me for the next date before he left which was so refreshing. He kept in touch by text, but nothing over the top. I ignored the little cues I was picking up in favor of the fact he wanted to meet again quickly and I enjoyed my time with him.
So, what were those cues:
- The kiss was off. Not bad, just slightly off.
- He spoke immediately how he wanted a travel companion for upcoming travel.
- He referenced often how compatible we were too quickly.
- He mentioned I had great, sexy legs when I was wearing an outfit that you actually could never tell what my legs looked like (with sneakers no less!)
The next day, during text, he told me he had to go to Denver for business and wanted to convince me to come for 2 days to go skiing. I didn’t jump at the chance, but I did ask my entire tribe of family and friends and everyone thought I should go, assuming our next date went well. However, I had a lot of scheduling conflicts I would have to move around (an unusually busy week for me) and I didn’t have any ski clothes that would fit, so I had to ask a lot of people to see who might have something I could borrow. We spoke about it on the phone a bit more and my mind began its machinations to move mountains to join him for a coupe days skiing, assuming our second date went well. The bottom line, if I were to agree to go it wouldn’t be super easy to get it all together, but I could do it. Skiing was super appealing to me.
The second date was easy too coordinate and came together well. He chose a wine bar conveniently to where I was in the city (thoughtful on both counts) and had already chosen the second bar we could try.
When he walked in, there was no tingle. For whatever the reason, I wasn’t excited to be with him. It wasn’t intentional, but it was an internal let-down for me. In any case, the night was young and we got to chatting.
Things that went right:
- We both liked wine and he was happy to choose the wine and made a great selection
- He is easy to talk to and seemingly transparent
- He spoke often about his family and friends
- He spoke highly of his children and didn’t speak negatively about his x
- He was full of compliments for me
- He was publicly affectionate
Things that caused pause and then full-out raised the red flags:
- He was overtly publicly affectionate, all he wanted to do was kiss. The kissing went from pretty good to ok, to not good at all by end of evening.
- He talked so much about his life he neglected to ask about mine
- He was planning all our future trips together
- He began talking about sex, despite the fact I prefaced (after his first comment) it wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.
- He “just had” to tell me how big he was.
- He kept saying “when you meet so and so”
So, I have to evaluate….if I liked him more would the red flags have been ignored? I have ignored them in the past for sure. I would have jumped at the inference in his words – talking about the future together. But not this time. Something was off from the first date and it just went more off in the second.
BUT I STAYED. This is where I question myself. I can’t seem to just walk away and end a date. Perhaps in the back of my mind I was thinking that if I was going to spend two days with him skiing that I really needed to be sure, really sure. At least, thats what I’m telling myself in hindsight.
As we wrapped up our time in the second bar, he explained to me that he had gotten a hotel room because his son and friends had camped out in his 1 bedroom apartment. This was just weird. I knew this meant he expected me to stay with him and he had made a predetermination that that it would happen before we even went on the date. It bothered me yet I did nothing about it. We went back, had some street pizza and then I ultimately caved to going to his room. I knew I had drank too much and didn’t want to pay for the uber. I convinced myself that he would hold true to his words and not try to convince me to have sex with him. I made myself quite clear with words, but the action of going to his room is all he understood, right?
The night did not go well and my behavior wasn’t so great. We crawled into bed and I left on my top and panties and he left on his trunks. We cuddled and he kept trying and trying to move it forward despite the many times I removed his hands. Eventually, we fell asleep and then, at some point, he forcibly woke me mid-night to try again. This angered me because I wasn’t sound asleep but made zero indication that I was willing to wake up. I had to physically roll away at this point. Morning came and we once again cuddled , but then he took my hand to his cock to “show me” what I did to him. I pulled away and got out of bed. Time to go. I had had enough.
Before I got dressed, though, I made an apology. I had gotten my period and was entirely uncomfortable being in bed with him (partially true – though the greater truth was that he made me uncomfortable). I also had horrid night sweats and leg cramps that evening. I was just terribly uncomfortable all around and I did push him away multiple times, and not gently. I apologized because it wasn’t nice and would leave anyone wondering what they did wrong. I believe I expected him to then fess up to being overly aggressive with the sex but he didn’t. He just said he was glad I stayed because I had too much to drink the night before and that I should have shared the details with him earlier.
He came to get coffee with me and get me on my way. I asked him if he wanted to look at flights while we were getting coffee and got brushed off -I knew in that moment he was done with me, despite what I thought or felt. Asking bar the flights was intentional, I had started to sense the change from the moment I pulled my hand off his cock. However, he text me later than day to say he had a good evening and hoped to see me again which caught me off guard.
How much of the evening went sideways because of how I felt, and how much went sideways because he was really a douchebag?
Well, the answer became clear by the next morning.
I replied to his text within the hour and never went back to check until the next day when I realized I never heard from him again. The text wasn’t in imessage blue but was green. I knew I had been blocked. So I sent it again and it went to green immediately. I called his number for verification and it went straight to voicemail. He had sent a text to ask to see me again and then promptly blocked me!
Here’s the thing – it was all so wrong and I had the gut feeling the entire evening. I was proud I finally didn’t have sex when I didn’t want to and I felt better about myself the next morning. I should have been more honest and told him immediately that it wasn’t working for me, but I waffled. I waffled because I am so fucking lonely and its distorting my ability to make better choices.
The night we spent in bed was horrible. Worse than the night I spent with my sympathy sex guy Chris . At least Chris didn’t push me the way Jim had. During the evening with John, I really got to a point where I didn’t want to be touched or kissed by him at all – YET, I questioned MY OWN BEHAVIOR the next day.
I was pretty angry to realized he was such a douchebag to block me without having the courage just to say “no thanks.” I don’t understand a 57 year old man being such a complete coward. Of course, it made me feel like shit and begin questioning myself all over again. In hindsight, despite his words to the contrary, he was only out for the sex.
Me being me, I sent a burner text the next day telling him what a coward he was. No point in doing so, but it made me feel better to have the last word. It was a polite text, mostly. Then I blocked and deleted his number – not that I would expect a reply – but to be sure I never had any need to communicate with him again.
There was just so much nuance to this date that I didn’t capture in an effort to make the post shorter, but thats mostly it.
What have I learned?
Trust my judgment, I am not usually wrong. Stop feeling guilty for no reason and stop being coerced because I’m lonely.