What Still Lies Between

Now you have most of the good stuff so it’s time I get through the pieces that are still floating in my head as challenges.

This part I find to be my self -talk-therapy. I’ve got questions to suss through and I often find myself stepping back from Scott to think: can I do this?

Here’s my running list of what lies stuck between my heart and my head ….

Attraction and Sex: The attraction piece is not fully vetted. I do find myself becoming more attracted to him and wonder if that’s from familiarity.

Sex has improved although there is still some sort of missing component for me. I get turned on by Scott, that is never an issue (so there clearly is an attraction) but at some point during the act, I become too aware that I might not like something. We have started talking about this a little more because I believe he senses it as (from me) well. I’m having a hard time with orgasm. He’s gotten me there a couple times, but not enough for the amount of time we are together. I’m afraid because I’m frustrated I’m not asking for more oral sex and he’s not offering. Our sexual styles are very different. He is so very far behind my more skilled partners that it worries me. Perhaps it’s not that he’s less skilled, it’s just less in sync with me? Either way, something is off.

Part of me balks at talking about “how” I like to have sex. I can absolutely say what I don’t like when it happens, but guidance on what I do like I find much harder. It’s not a recipe. I hate being a teacher with such a passion (my baggage from my marriage) and frankly I’m a horrible teacher. He’s not super intuitive and because early on there was way too much I didn’t like about his style that I’m going to guess he’s holding back in some ways.

I think this is the greatest challenge.

Bravado/Bragging/Gossiping: Without writing a novel and being over descriptive (which I know I tend to do) I’m just going to list a few of the consistent behaviors he exhibits:

He can sometimes behave very immaturely for a 46 year old man and he tends to spend too much time with much younger people in a different place in life.

While he thinks he avoids drama like the plague, he in fact, invites it in. It’s the sheer nature of his personality to pretend not to be involved when he is entirely involved. Like not gawking at a traffic accident and perhaps then even causing your own. He attracts drama. This one I understand. I know this because it’s shit I’ve done with men. But he doesn’t just do it with women but also the kids he hangs around with.

He doesn’t think he brags but he does. Pride is ok when it’s subtle. He wants people to know what he’s accomplished and he needs the affirmation. I am not used to anyone talking about themselves in this manner. I find it very off-putting and don’t really know what to make of it.

The gossip – that’s something I’ve never done and it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He talks to a lot of people and feels like he keeps his most personal information close to his chest. He just doesn’t realize he reveals all of himself in so many other ways than the actual words. To compound this, his 24 year old daughter is busy telling everyone anything else he hasn’t told them. He does the same thing in his personal and professional life. I have my close friends or family (and of course this blog) that I share personal info with and even then, not always outright. Maybe I’m just not as friendly and open. His job allows him enough down time (breakfast breaks, coffee breaks, lunch breaks) that it’s ripe for water cooler gossip. Again, I’m not used to this amount of free time in an office environment.

I know that sounds demanding and I’m not sorry about it. I want him to act his age with or without me beside him. He is super intelligent but the problem is being surrounded (in his social life) by a different class of people than I’m used to. If you don’t think class systems still exist, you’re nuts. And I’m not talking money. This is only related to behavior. He may have been born a hillbilly but he doesn’t need to act like one at 46.

This is a fine line. Where he lives and where I live are very different. When he’s up here with me he exhibits NONE of this nonsense. He sees it won’t fly here. My concern is seeing how much of this is ingrained in his personality. What’s the saying? You can take the boy out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the boy. Still unsure about the overall impact of this one so I do my best to sit back and absorb what he shares with me with as little judgement as possible.

Socioeconomic: now this is the one related to money. Seeing how he lives was eye opening. He has a great life and does earn plenty for what he wants from his life. This is partially due to location and partly due to ones desire for things/experiences. I’m happy I got to see this first hand. He’s not cheap by any means. The word (we both) came up with for me is Bougie. It’s the same exact word Tony used for me. I have certain ways/things thats I’m Bougie about. I turn my nose up when someone/something isn’t held to whatever that Bougie standard is for me. The good news is I realize the $ is a figure, that’s it, a $ figure. It doesn’t define anything. Sure more money opens more doors but Scott doesn’t care if those doors open for him. I’m still trying to figure out how much it matters to me. Spending time with him in his lovely home, in his life, showed me I really need to evaluate how I truly feel deep down about money. I’ve been spoiled and jaded a long ass time. This remains ultimately unresolved but is no longer a check against Scott if that makes any sense.

That’s pretty much it – not so very different than the initial feelings I identified with him, but softened by the fact he’s such an amazing person and cares for me so much. I need to work through these so they don’t come back to bite me as resentments later – that much I know from my bad marriage.

I do often feel a pull towards him emotionally, I really like him for so many reasons. The negative ones listed above seem to have a pretty firm grasp on me and will certainly require working through. I’m just attempting not to let them override the deeper sense of satisfaction.

Frankly, the biggest red flag in all of this I haven’t even listed because I understand it and think it can be possible, though improbable. Scott fell in love too quickly and already sees our future together. I worry that he’s doing a bit of a dance around my personality because he sees what he wants to see instead of seeing what’s in front of him. Then I question that because he will stop me when he doesn’t like a behavior of mine and I think “oh, he really is taking all of me in and accepting me.” The jury is out on this until we have time under our belt. I hope he doesn’t have too much of a fantasy of me built in his head that, as we spend more time together, comes crashing down into a reality he wasn’t expecting. Only time will tell.

What it Feels Like to Let Go

Since that day in September where I truly decided I was going to give Scott an honest chance, it’s been nothing but easy happiness in our relationship.

As KDaddy rightly suspected, I’ve said some things that are not so nice, and Scott seems to take them in stride and find a way to talk to me about them. One thing that absolutely has not happened is Trixie surfacing. She’s got no place here and no reason to surface, but somehow I also know I’m prone to be crazy. The single most recurring thought I seem to be having is “I would like to see this work” which, in turn, provides my brain with enough pause to keep my mouth (mostly) shut and make better choices. Something has changed in me that is preventing my normal self-sabotage.

Sure, it crosses my mind that I had dating lethargy and little success this last year. The fact that I’m at such a low point emotionally due to my job/financial situation also causes some concern. I don’t think I’m with Scott because I’m settling, bored or lonely. I think I’m with him because he is slowly stitching together the napalm blasted hole in my heart left behind by Tony. Scott makes me feel good about myself and is unencumbered by a marriage. None of the previous men I’ve spent longer amounts of time with were free to pursue me. Each of them took so much from me, and while I felt I was getting something back emotionally from them, the fact was they were taking more than I could ever receive. I truly didn’t realize how damaged I have become, how high the walls were built. I thought I was wide open for relationship and kept making excuses why this one or that one wasn’t right for me.

I really wasn’t ready and didn’t see it. I’m a bit unsure if I’m truly ready now, but Scott is able to somehow see and understand that I’ve been emotionally unavailable and has been patient with me and whatever pace I’m going.

He also says he’s in love with me.

On our first night together at his home, as we fell into bed, the “you know I’m in love with you, right?” came out in such a rush and with such forceful intent that I knew he was really trying to hold back, but the emotion overwhelmed him entirely. I think he was so worried about what I would say or do that he began to sort of shrink back from me. I pulled him close, whispered “I know and I can feel it” and then we “made love” for the first time. He became emotional again during sex and declared a clear “I love you” and we absolutely shared a tender session. Afterwards he sort of offhandedly mentioned he wasn’t used to sex like that. Sex where he was so close to someone and could feel how the other person shared a strong emotion or bond with him. He said he never wanted to feel that close connection before. I didn’t press, I listened and we soon fell asleep. My feeling was he was very anxious about his declaration and then subsequently surprised and pleased with my response.

We had a lot of fun while at his home and I was very comfortable. I’m not going to write about his daughter as there’s still some story there to uncover about how she really felt. Generally speaking she was watching me like a hawk and very angry her cats needed to be locked in her basement apartment the entire time I was there. It’s a beautiful 1 bedroom apartment in a walk out basement. They had plenty of room. She called it animal abuse. He’s told her that’s how it’s going to be when I’m there, full stop, no negotiation. So, like I said, more to uncover there as she separates how she feels about her cats and how she feels about her Dad having a woman in his life.

We didn’t do most of what we planned to do and spent a lot of time just enjoying each other with simple activity. Making dinner together. Sharing coffee on the deck. Taking a lot of walks. Binge watching a show after the half marathon so we didn’t have to get off the couch. Some nights at the bar. Some nights at home. I’m repeating myself by saying it was easy but there’s no better word for it.

I didn’t want to leave when it was time to go. I felt tugging at my heartstrings and I almost cried. By the time I made the 5 hour train ride home and settled in, we had agreed he would come to me in 2 days and spend a long weekend

So we have basically spent the last 2 weeks together full time. I’ve never done that with any man besides my x husband.

I’m sure I’m going to think of a thousand things to write and forget a thousand more, but the real point is we are still smiling and still wanting more time together. Because of the distance we have both explained to our children that they can expect house guests for some time as we figure things out. Talk about a big step for me, the boys only ever bumped into Tony. They are not thrilled about it but they understand why it’s going to be this way.

I did have a conversation with Scott about exclusivity. You just never know these days. I’m pretty sure there hasn’t been anyone else for him since he started seeing me again this summer, but there was for me (though I didn’t say) and I wanted him to know I considered this a monogamous relationship. He “formally” asked me to be his girlfriend as silly as that sounds. I just felt better having a clear Conversational about exclusivity. The reasons are multilayered but include not wanting to take something for granted, wanting to give it proper identification in my own head and, I believe, give him peace of mind as he mentioned “whatever this is” several times to me. I did want him to know that this is a relationship, we are in it. The last night I spent with him at his home I felt like there was a moment where he was about to cry (it was dark and I couldn’t see, but I could sense the change in his voice) when he said he didn’t want me to leave because he was so afraid I would never come back, that it would be the last time. He was almost holding his breath when he said it. I could be very wrong, but I don’t think so – he was scared and the exclusivity conversation gave him a solid foundation. I’m in this with him, I don’t want him thinking that because I’m not in love with him that it doesn’t mean I’m not committed to our budding relationship and seeing how it grows and where this leads us.

That was a bigger step for me than I thought it would be.

Scott is a learning experience for me. A really joyous learning experience. I like how I feel and I like how I’m acting. I feel in control and happy. I don’t blurt out every thing in my head and share every dark secret, and I’m not lying either should he ask a direct question. He is just so very different from me that he takes some getting used to and the more time I spend with him the more I like him. It’s not easy for me to relinquish my imagined control of situations, and he tells me I still do it, but I can feel him gently navigating me and that feels ok to me.

I am so confused …. (part 3)

I think I got most of it all down and out now.

There are more good qualities than challenges with Scott if I was counting. I’m just not sure how the weighted average works out.

After we went away for the weekend and I agonized for a while as well as solicited advice from friends. I dug deep into what I was feeling and tried to explore why I was so predisposed to these thoughts and feelings. I came up with some answers and on some I’m still empty handed.

And it may surprise some of you …. but I firmly decided I was going to give it a go with Scott.

I just needed to wrap my mind around it. I was clear of the potential pitfalls but all of my friends, and I do mean all, unanimously voted for Scott. They know all of the struggles I’ve had and continue to go through and just felt that I deserved someone who adored me with no questions asked. And he does. He really takes me for who I am. Perhaps if there was one quality above all that I treasured in Tony it was this one. Scott has exactly the same quality.

He takes me for who I am knowing I struggle with his job/income and the stereotypes assigned to government work. He doesn’t know about the attraction piece, though we have talked about the disparity in class briefly. He acknowledges we started in very different places and have had significantly different life experiences. He treats me as if I am a prize that he never thought he would win and often seems to be in awe of me.

He has already told me he would move heaven and earth for me if I would just let him.

Scott is a good man. He tells me he has a mean streak that he doesn’t like about himself and I see that coming out as arrogance right now, but I believe him when he tells me, I just haven’t seen it. I can tell his defenses are down around me and I am allowing mine to begin to come down as well. Once I make up my mind about something, I go all in.

I do worry that I’m not always so nice and I can be a bitter pill to take. He seems good at deflecting this quality in me and it tends to have me loosen my reigns – which is very unusual for me. He doesn’t dig in in opposition to me but instead tries to offer alternative viewpoints without pressing me. My need to be right all the time is much less aggressive with Scott and this is unique. A little example of this is when we were walking along on our way to lunch on our weekend away, I stopped suddenly and said “we are going the wrong way!” He said he was pretty sure we were not. As per my usual always-right self I declared “I really think it’s the wrong way!” He asked me to trust him and I looked at him and rather than insist yet again, I just said “ok.” The funny thing was it stopped him in his tracks and he worried that now I would give it to him if he was wrong. I promised him I wouldn’t, that I did trust him and even if he was wrong it was just a little walk on a beautiful day and didn’t really matter. I meant it too. I handed over the reins. I let go. And, of course, he was right. He was also very relieved which was quite funny.

That was the first time I really put my trust in him. The next time was the long ride home in my car. He drove and I was able to fall asleep for a little bit. That’s a sure sign of trust with me. He told me much later how happy this made him because his x-wife and his x-affair partner both hated his driving. I know these are two very little things, but they are important to me. When I don’t need to be in control and I can let go I am happier. I know this for a fact after Bobby and Tony, but it takes a special person to get me to change my behavior. I don’t give up being right all that easily.

I can’t change the job/income situation and have to work towards complete acceptance, and I am trying. I know I’m a snob when it comes to this and part of that is the by-product of living in a wealthy area. Going backwards in income was never a welcome thought before now. I am truly unsure where this lands for me so we will have to see. In an early relationship, this has no bearing so I’m letting it go.

I hold out hope that I will become more physically attracted to Scott. I can’t force this so it’s another thing I’m letting go of. Sex has improved. Our sexual cadence is much, much slower than when I’m very attracted to a man and he doesn’t push me. I only hope he doesn’t feel like I’m not attracted to him. I don’t want him to feel this from me.

After the weekend away and my subsequent decision to give it a real shot with Scott, he came to spend 3 days at my home. We went to a winery one day and the next day we did a bunch of nothing together. He was thrilled I watched football with him and asked a lot of questions about his favorite team (until I fell asleep on his chest!). I made him breakfast and lunch and I think he enjoyed being waited on a little. I don’t think he’s gotten very much positive attention in his life and I get the impression he’s always been the giver. I like to be able to do these small acts of service for Scott because I know how much he appreciates them. We had a fabulous dinner out over the weekend and there’s no shortage of laughter and easy flowing conversation. It really does feel natural with no pretense.

So that’s two long weekends in a month in which things consistently improve. I’d say that’s a win in itself. We text often every day now and talk most nights. A relationship is beginning to form in its own way.

New things I’ve begun to notice and I’m trying to work through:

If I like it, he wants to like it right away too. While this is great, I want someone who maintains their own identity. I decided to run a half marathon and he immediately chose to run it with me. I like a certain type of music and he wants to listen to it all the time with me. I like wine and he will drink it with me. I like shellfish and he will eat it with me. None of this is bad, I just don’t want him morphing into what he thinks is the perfect man for me simply to attract me.

He compliments me constantly. Nothing is ever wrong with me (except he thinks I’m snobby too, who wouldn’t). Again, not sure what I think about this. Of course I want to be all the things to him but it falls flat when every word out of his mouth is how beautiful and special and amazing I am. Again, not really a negative but for some reason it’s overkill?

The last piece: I notice he doesn’t really ask me a lot of open ended questions. He is very in tune to me and pays attention, but he doesn’t seem to try and get to know the way my mind works. Rather, he goes for the outward things like my favorite food, wine, exercise (he joined Peloton because of me) or music. These things he nails because he watches me closely. Tony dug around. He asked about my family, my past, my education, why I liked some things and not others, what I dreamed of, what my sorrows were. Scott seems to be focused on how to please me. He often notes that I ask him a lot of questions and some of them make him uncomfortable to be so vulnerable but he likes opening up to me. But he doesn’t really come up with his own questions. I’m not sure how much this matters right now, we all move at different speeds and Tony’s matched mine exactly in that respect. I think Scott wants to to reveal myself in my own time without his prompting. This has actually made me realize I may not tell him everything (I can actually thanks George for that lesson in fact). Maybe he doesn’t need to buy the cow just to get the milk. I’m not exactly sure what I think of this but there’s a part of me that’s glad he isn’t probing further since I’m not ready to be that far into relationship with him when I’m still tenuous in some respects.

Maybe my reticence is because I may still have walls up. Maybe it’s self-sabotage. I don’t really know. He wants to please me so badly it’s amazing to me, but maybe I don’t want to feel like I’m continuously taking advantage of his crush on me. I don’t have the answers to these questions, but I do feel a certain amount of reticence for an unclear reason.

Next week I will head down to his house for almost a week. With the distance between us (and the cost that brings) it forces longer visits and I think it’s worth seeing Scott in his own surroundings. He’s super excited I offered to come to him and wants me to meet his adult daughter. I have no doubt we will have a great time and I’m looking forward to having more continuous time with him. We will have a mini weekend getaway as well as we’ve decided to run our half marathon around the National Mall in DC. That was his idea and, as hard as it is to impress me, he really doesn’t fall short in this area.

Maybe my lesson is about finding balance. I’m certain there is a lesson in here with Scott. I’ve got a good thing I intend to let run it’s natural course with no preconceived notion of duration or “what’s next.” I’m opening myself up to this pretty great guy and seeing where it takes me.

So there it is, the whole Scott story in a big word dump.

I don’t know what’s next but I can tell you I’m looking forward to seeing him and spending an extended amount of time with him next week and I’m happy to take it slowly for once.

Breaking Quarantine Virginity

I think it was a big deal to decide to have the first post-quarantine kiss with Darren, but I felt pretty confident he was safe. We had spent quite a bit of time talking about where we had been, what we had done and what we were doing to remain safe.

I was probably less cautious the second time with Rich. I certainly didn’t pay enough attention to small alarm bells going off because I was too focused on the “what’s next” instead of the “right now”. That is the first time I thought forward in an effort to remove some of the things I didn’t like about Rich immediately. I allowed myself to ignore some warning signals in favor of moving forward.

It was a mistake that left me baffled to be honest.

Rich lived about 2.5 hours north of me. His profile was equal parts interesting, funny and appealing. One photo (which is always the photo that is MOST accurate) wasn’t particularly attractive to me, but all the others showed a handsome, fit and active man who was 52 years old.

Rather than tell every detail I thought I would split the post into three parts: what happened, what I ignored, and what I was thinking along the way that caused me to ignore the things I ignored!

We met on Bumble in early July and text, talk and video chat until meeting in person about the 3rd week of July. Conversation started easily and at a steady but not overdone pace but really heated up to much more protracted and intense conversation the week leading up to our meeting. He made no qualms about driving down to see me and knowing he was turning around to head home the same day. Initially we planned lunch but it was a 100° day and stormy so the humidity was deadly. I invited him to my home. We enjoyed conversation and moved to kissing. It really heated up and we ended up having sex a few times. It wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad either. He didn’t spend the night and we made immediate plans to see one another again. He would drive back down and spend the night. This entire time, Rich made it immensely clear how he was attracted to me and why. He seemed very excited and hopeful about our connection. He felt very open and genuine to me. I never doubted he was really, really into me. I told him about it surgery before sex and he wasn’t fussed with my new scars. The second time he came we went it to a really lovely and fun dinner and then continued the fun at home. The sex wasn’t much better than the first time, but again, ok. In the morning, we shared coffee on the deck before he left. Conversation remained normal for a few days and then turned to intermittent text with no discussion of a phone call or when we would see one another. He continued to indicate his interest in text but the comments seemed to be contrived now. There were no more phone calls. There were no requests to see me again. After a couple days of this, assuming he was just busy with work, I asked when I would see him again and made a proposal. We had one phone call which didn’t go very well, he just wasn’t engaged and called at a bad time for me. Eventually his text became less and less over the next few days. By Sunday Aug 2, one month after we started speaking and 2 weeks since we first met, he sent one strange text in the morning which I didn’t reply to and I’ve not heard from him since.

That’s the summary of what happened. Ghosted in only one months time for no apparent reason.

Here’s what I ignored – and when I told my friends all of this they looked at me like I had two heads for ignoring so much:

He looked older than 52 in his profile: he was 58. How I figured it out: I couldn’t reconcile his timeline of marriage, kids ages and subsequent relationships. So I asked him directly. Ok, everyone lies about age but 6 years is A LOT. The lie: “is my age wrong?” he claims he didn’t know his age was incorrect on his profile. Oh, come on.

He said he was married once. He wasn’t, he was married twice. How I found out: a friend found an article about him and within the article it indicated he was married with 4 kids while I knew he only had 3 (haven’t met anyone yet who lies about the # of kids they have!). When I asked about how the reporter got it wrong, he then told me he was married for a short time and she had a daughter. The lie: “I was only married for a year or so and it doesn’t really count. No one wants to know a man is married twice.”

He realized we were no longer connected on Bumble. In all honesty, I meant to pause the app. I got distracted by a new feature and deleted all my matches and conversations, including his. How I found out: he asked, supposedly days after he saw I wasn’t there. The lie: “I went into the app for your photos while I was driving down to see you for our second date”. You go into the app for one reason after 3 weeks of constant communication, to check your messages from your matches. He had received plenty of photos of me by that point.

One night he disappeared the entire evening until the morning. We had been chatting normally until 4pm. I sent 3 text after that which went green (iMessages are blue) and I knew he wasn’t out of range. I called and it went to VM. The lie: “I got a new phone and it took all night to transfer the data and phone # over.” How many of you have gotten new phones where it took a whole afternoon/night to transfer over? Never. I need to add why this is so suspicious, it was the day before he was due to come down and not hearing from him for 20+hours (because he didn’t text first thing in the am, it was after noon) made me assume he ghosted me. The funny thing here is he said “I would never ghost you, you must know that’s not my style!” Funny that.

Then there are the things that really didn’t sit well with me:

On his first trip down I realized too late I never have him my address and sent it over. He said he had already googled me and found it. This sort of bothered me but I know we all google each other. It just felt weird that he never asked.

Every significant relationship (he had 3 other than his two marriages) he ended because the woman couldn’t make the decision to move it forward to more (or marriage) after living with them. He claimed he tried everything he could so it wasn’t his fault. At first I felt he had a lot of healthy relationship experience but I began to look at this differently as time went on. One was a narcissist, one just didn’t want to leave her town and hour away and he didn’t want to move to that town, another one was hyper focused on work and wouldn’t talk about the future, and another got pregnant without his consent. Then I found out some doozies: his daughter was the product of the woman who wanted more and he didn’t yet he kept having unprotected sex with her and eventually she got pregnant. She was also extremely volatile and always threatening him and taking away his child. His first divorce was so contentious that he was arrested multiple times. The layers of complexity were brushed away as unimportant details of past relationships.

The first 2/3 weeks we spoke and video chat it was green text (indicating android phone) and Bumble video chat. One time he said let’s face time and I laughed and said he couldn’t do that with an android phone. He then admitted he was using a burner number the entire time and gave me his real phone #. He claimed he had a few women just keep trying to contact him so this felt better to protect his information. The lie: you can google him and his real phone # comes up. I just didn’t catch this until after this happened. He has a very public company in real estate. This is the first and only time in 6 years I’ve met a man using a burner number.

He said he dated 175 women before he found his last relationship that last 4 years. 175 in a year! I looked back and in my best year I dated 35 men. He was looking for his formula. This is why he was still checking his Bumble matches and why he disappeared at the same time every day.

The morning we woke he was very, very ready to have sex and made no moves to do so. Eventually I asked and he declined. I made a silly comment about rejection and got out of bed to start the coffee. Later he told me he didn’t reject me and it had nothing to do with me. That he was trying to change the way he approached dating and not get so hung up on the sex because it made him fall faster and he was already falling for me. I wanted to believe this but it didn’t feel right. Rejection is rejection and we had already had sex multiple times the day before. The way he said the words sounded like a script from a book if that makes sense. Don’t let her think you’re gaslighting her.

He had already gone on multiple first dates during Covid. This should have given me more pause than it did but he claimed there was no connection and therefore no kissing or sex.

He claimed every relationship he ever started had began with first date sex. He spoke about his sex drive often once we addressed the conversation yet he had a little trouble in the beginning. He said he hadn’t had sex in a year after the last breakup and was really waiting to meet the right person to start his next relationship before having sex. If these were “lines” to convince me to sleep with him they had no impact on my decision to be a ho or not! When I type them out they sound like lines. Lol.

Wasn’t all of those small white lies enough to equate to one big red flag that said stop? Nope. Here’s why not:

He had a lot of attractive qualities that I liked for the long run. In particular: he was very fit and active, he liked to socialize like I did, he seemed like a good Dad, he seemed to have a good track record with relationship, he was interested in me and made it known by his communication (that’s a big one for me), he was single, clever, an entrepreneur, and looking for a LTR.

I was never especially attracted to him but when I looked at him I thought “I might grow to like his appearance more.” His body was fucking fine for a 58 year old man, better than most men I’ve been with. Like, really really fine. Damn. Lol. Anyway, I neglected to see I was dating myself with laughter – he wasn’t particularly funny and I carried most conversations once he learned most of what he wanted to know about me. This was suddenly and glaringly obvious on our last phone call.

I sort of knew from the moment we didn’t have morning sex that things were heading downhill. He didn’t let on the first few days, but it soon became apparent. Since I’m trying to listen more and talk less, I caught on to his change in conversational style pretty quickly.

In hindsight I realize Rich was much more contrived than I gave him credit for. I didn’t put stock into his many comments about me being the perfect match for him and his excitement in connecting with me. (See, growth here people!). I know it’s because I never got the butterflies with him – but he said all the right things and stuff I normally would kill to hear.

The strangest thing of all. The last text he sent was “early day for you running.” At 7am on a Sunday. I hadn’t spoken about waking early to run and I double checked that I never posted anything like on social media. At first it stopped me in my tracks like how could he have known. I never answered that text and he hasn’t text since.

So much for never ghosting next, Rich. Cause you’re not that type.

I was a little butt hurt the first week, sure. Mostly because it was pretty drastic that he just stopped texting entirely. Then I just reminded myself that when a man is interested they pursue. They ALWAYS pursue. I recall when I first started dating that I just didn’t believe this. This is a fucking fact.

I do wonder why I am having so much rejection and don’t date anyone longer than a month and generally the ones I choose to sleep with are the ones who ghost me. This fucks with my head for sure. In this case I look back and don’t see anything I did wrong. I’m certain Rich was playing a broad field and lying, I just ignored obvious signs.

At least, that’s what I tell myself.

The Big Quarantine Lesson

Before anyone else says it, let me say it first – I should have learned this sooner and saved myself a whole lot of heartbreak.

I wrote that George and I played a question and answer game that forced deep conversation. It opened doors that normally would never be opened as quickly in any relationship. It exposed raw thoughts and feelings. It highlighted both the individual and couple strengths and weaknesses. It is not a game to be played with anyone you are no serious about having a relationship with.

George was serious. I was not. I was pretty sure George was going to pursue and I was going to flirt. I was initially in the position of power here.

Until the game highlighted things about George that reminded me why I loved Tony. That fucking game. But I can’t just blame the game, it’s the way I played it. That was my big mistake.

Now, it doesn’t matter whether or not I played the game right or wrong in terms of having a dating relationship with George. I know I played it wrong for having a dating relationship with ANYONE. And that’s where the life lesson was found.

There were multiple categories and questions within each category. Some were harmless, some serious, some sexy and some flirty. But some were deep, like really deep getting to know you stuff.

The questions and answers themselves don’t really matter. Nor does it matter what George and I said to one another or how it ended between us (spoiler alert: covid made the decision, not us). What matters was when George said this can’t go on and I realized how I was going to feel about that (because we had created a false sense of deep intimacy) I had to take a good hard look at myself and understand why I was feeling so anxious and depressed over a man I didn’t initially even want (I can still stare at his photo and wonder if I would be attracted and find myself guessing not) and had never met. I lie in bed for a good two days really feeling sorry for myself. Quarantine did not help this overwhelming sense of depression and rejection. I really took this rejection harder than I should have.

George did say if it wasn’t for covid and we had an opportunity to meet, he would want to start talking again with the hopes of potentially building something. On the other hand, he thinks he’s too needy for a long distance relationship so chances are it’s not the right relationship for him. He never said he didn’t want me, didn’t like me – none of that. I can say, in hindsight, that we are not compatible for many reasons which led to him needing to take a break from “us” anyway. He did the right thing I just had a hard time acknowledging it at the time. My vision has become much more clear with introspection.

So here’s what I did wrong when I played the game – I threw out careless answers to shock because I didn’t think I would ever be interested in George. For instance: what is something you would never do again? My answer: go to a swingers club.

Another one: is it ok to have sex on the first date? Me: Abso-fucking-lutely!!

Shocker. George is basically a prude. 😳😂 He could never quite get past those two answers. He did not like sexual banter in general and I had to pull back on this because it’s a go to for me when I don’t care where the conversation will lead.

Does it matter that I shocked George in particular? Nah. This is about what I learned for my long game. When I thought about what I did – I realized I need to keep my mouth shut. I do not need to shock anyone. I don’t even need to tell anyone any of my personal business so quickly. Especially sexual. I play all my cards early on. I run my mouth. I over-share. I want the man to know everything right away. Let’s jump into the deep end! That has to stop. Like immediately.

Even, perhaps, maybe never share some of the things I’ve done. Do we really need to tell the intimate details of our past? Is that a requirement? Jury’s out on this because I like the transparency but maybe it is the right move.

Ok, lesson one. Learned.

George is very polite. He doesn’t argue or disparage. He tries to understand and appreciate differences in people. He values shared activities with his partner. He values compatibility that isn’t solely based on that white hot chemistry. So much so he won’t have sex until the 3rd date night matter what.

How the game played out here – the question was “what is a bucket list item to do with your partner?” George’s answer was to visit every national park. My immediate reaction: I’m not doing that. Why? Why would I have to stomp on his bucket list item with my own opinion? Because I didn’t think I cared about a relationship with him, that’s why. But what it taught me is that I need to keep my mouth shut. Sure, that’s not up my alley. But a better reply would have been: tell me what interests you about doing that? It opens an opportunity to learn more about the person. I just shut him down and disappointed him. And I didn’t do it just once, I did it a few times with a few things. I think in my head I’m trying to be honest and open about my dislikes, but I realize I can accomplish the same by taking a different path. I could add it’s not something that ever interested me before so the jury would be out on if I would enjoy it or not but I was open to new experiences. Perhaps it doesn’t apply to everything, but it can certainly apply to many.

I also learned, through conversation related to the game questions, the types of activities he likes to do with a partner and I was very attracted to this. I realized it’s been a very, very long time since I’ve done anything shared with a man. I’ve literally had one active date ever since divorce. I don’t think my opinion has changed that a first date should not be a shared activity, I prefer a drink, but it made me realize how much I wanted someone to share activity with. When I thought about the men I’ve dated, it was a quality I had long been attracted to and not acted upon for one reason or the other. It made me realize that date 2 should be a shared activity. Of course quarantine compounds the feeling of needing to get out and be active.

Lesson two: learned.

George is by no means some perfect man I let slip through my fingers. He’s set in many of his own ways and was looking for me to fit that mold and ignoring some of the disparity in favor of the things he liked about me. But he is a kind man who was willing to talk about his feelings and share his thoughts. I know for sure I appreciate this in a man. He is communicative and open. He is funny. He is really smart. A dad. He’s working hard to lose weight and be toned and fit and he’s doing a great job. He checked a lot of boxes (like almost every single one) but at the end of the day, he really isn’t my type. The game highlighted this as well and made me think to go back to my list of requirements and evaluate how I actually interpret them because “on paper” George did check the boxes. In actuality, maybe those boxes don’t define what’s truly compatible for me.

Lesson three is an activity for me: go back and think differently about my requirements and how they really impact if someone will be compatible for me or not.

Bottom line, I learned I need to go into dating a little less aggressively. No one needs to know all my darkest dirtiest secrets right away. And when I do choose to reveal them, it shouldn’t be in throw away comments, ever. I need to be more open about a potential partners likes until it actually happens – again, it doesn’t need to be solved right away in the first few weeks. When I think about how I’ve dated, I’ve put my best physical foot forward: I look good, I laugh, I’m smart, I’m sexual etc – but I don’t think I’m actually playing enough of the dating game by keeping my cards close to my chest until the time is right. I don’t mean to create a false impression of myself, just a less obvious one. I need to hold back more, give less, and be less invested. I have always been an all-in person, every time. That’s how I’ve gotten hurt so many times.

Before I had any in-person dates, I put these words into action. I looked for the right kind of connection and tried to focus less on immediate physical chemistry (at least from text and phone). I focused on the persons background, similarities, lifestyle and all the things that would make us compatible. I listened more. I asked more questions and I offered up a whole lot less about myself. I edited information about my past relationships, health and career – not lying l, just not giving up all the details right from the start. For my career, I learned to say “I have had an amazing and robust career and I’m looking forward to the job market opening back up for my next opportunity ” instead of diving into why I’m not working and how I feel about it because EVERYONE thinks they have the answer for how I should be recreating myself and chasing what’s next. For my past relationships I learned to say “Ive had two longer relationships which I valued but the details are best saved for in person conversation.” And, most importantly, I entirely avoid the sexual flirt and innuendo. If a man goes down that path with a gentle innuendo I can give a gentle one back, but don’t allow any lines to be crossed. I can tell almost immediately when this frustrates a man and it shows me where his mind and probably his intentions fall (however some are better at this game and you can’t always tell).

While George and I were not meant to be more than friends, that game and our interaction (and my mind being so quiet during quarantine) really opened my eyes for how I want to show up go forward. It’s time I grow up and realize I’m looking to play a long game here – and need to find a man who can do that with me.

I Enjoy Dating Myself: When a Sense of Humor is a Requirement on a Date

Here’s a big lesson I’ve learned: I know how to date myself and I have to say, I’m a pretty fun date. I bring laughter to any date. Even the ones where I’m watching paint dry.

I’ve selected one too many men that check lots of boxes but continue to miss a critical one – the funny box. I’ve tried one too many times to date a guy who just isn’t funny and I am always let down.

What baffles me the most is that everyone, and I do mean everyone, says laughter is important. Yet so few men can really illicit a belly laugh from me. I mean, they don’t even seem to try. But I can keep them rolling on the floor with my stories. I’m so good at a funny story that I can entertain myself. After all, I already know all the punchlines. I can carry an entire date. And that, my friends, is how I’ve made many mistakes. I want the laughter so badly that I sometimes ignore I’m laughing at myself.

I can also talk to a wall. Now, this is a learned behavior after years and years of corporate training presenting to large groups. I can talk about anything long enough to engage the party I’m speaking to. When I’m at work I know how to read the room. Similarly, I can also read each man I pre-screen yet I ignore the fact he doesn’t make me laugh. Why? Maybe because I used to believe some people need time to warm up. If that’s the case, I’ve now also realized that person probably isn’t for me. I know for certain I need a more gregarious man. A man who can be funny right from text. And it happens often enough so I know it’s very possible.

Funny without sexual innuendo. Funny without sarcasm. Funny without low brow humor. Just the right turn of phrase or words to put a smile on my face. Sometimes taking something I just said and gently teasing. Sometimes self deprecating. But funny comes across in text despite what anyone claims to the contrary. If it’s there, in text then it follows in the phone conversation in spades. It also follows that the date will be filled with laughter as well.

When I look back, this has 100% accuracy for me. It doesn’t mean every date is a success or the man is a match. But if he’s funny from text and phone he will be able to make me laugh in person despite if I am attracted to him or not. Scott is funny. Even though I’m not attracted to him I still laugh with him often. He is just funny. George is funny. Even though we never met, he can get a solid laugh from me through text and on the phone. Mike, Dan, Tony etc all very funny men. My x, while his humor is mostly unappealing to me in my maturity, is still very funny. Thinking back to the first man I slept with, Dan, he made me cry with laughter – and still does to this day when he reaches out.

I have to stop dating men I don’t find funny. I have to stop giving them way to long to crack a joke and make me laugh.

I’ve really been debating my own list of requirements as I grow older and think I’ve tried enough to let this one slide. Laughter has become a non-negotiable. I believe I’m so lonely I’ve allowed some of those other check boxes to take the place of this one but I know I can’t live without laughing hysterically the rest of my life. I don’t want to keep dating myself. I want to date someone who is funny. Period.

Covid19 Struggles at Home

I live close to one of the Covid19 epicenters, but not close enough that my kids understand why I’m panicked.

My wound opened up a couple weeks back after the surgeon tried to cauterize it again. I also think I’ve had a weight gain that’s causing pressure on the adhesions and it’s partially why it hurts and is oozing. Either way, I have open wound.

I wasn’t concerned before the announcements about the sports leagues and now all 3 kids with indefinite school closings. But, now I am. And my kids think I’m being irrational. The one who is giving me the hardest time is the one who always gives me a hard time.

The bottom line, I don’t want him hanging out with his friends at night at parties playing drinking games. He’s not especially careful, this one, and the kids are all coming home from various colleges. They all have parents and families with different levels of exposure. The smallest group is like 12-15 kids. He thinks I’m crazy and has made it quite clear I’m the only parent that’s crazy and irrational. I know my kid, he doesn’t wash his hands enough. He doesn’t think about the risks.

When I tried to speak to him it turned into a screaming match because(just like his father) he kept at me like a battering ram. I kept my voice low and moderated and explained why I was scared. I explained how the disease can travel quickly. I explained I was worried that I am always immunocompromised and I had an open wound.

His answers were:

I didn’t do that to you (my surgeries)

No one else parents are concerned

This is no different than me being in Canada for 4 days for Spring break (that was Monday – Thursday before I began to worry)

This is no different than me being at work (in a restaurant)

When I suggested he can do all the things he wanted but needed to live with his Dad in the meantime, I found out his Dad has his girlfriend there and my kids are not welcome. The Dad spoke to my son to tell my son to follow my rules until his girlfriend left and then he could stay there. As usual, my x’s priorities are himself.

My son told me he has “no where to go” if I make him leave. I told him he has only 1 more night to stay home then he can do whatever he wants because he can live with his Dad until this passes. His answer: I can’t live with my Dad his apartment is too small and it’s not my home. You’re crazy. You do this to me all the time. No one else is this crazy. This is my Spring Break.

Of course I’ve been crying since. Why am I being penalized that his father has not created a home for him? Why is it ok he can’t live with his Dad, but not ok to follow my house rules. Why is he so selfish and entitled that he simply does not understand how sick I was (this none didn’t live at home while I was sick so didn’t see it first hand, but he’s been home the last year).

I suppose it could be worse. He’s not a bad kid, just a self entitled little shit. His brothers are entirely different and can he trusted to stay safe and at home – though I have allowed them to visit one friend at a time whose parents I know well. Even then, it’s risky, but I watch them come in and wash hands and change while their brother doesn’t even wash his hands unless I stand there and make him.

The fathers answer to all of this: when I move into my mothers basement they will always have a place to go. Not helping with this problem and his mother is 86….so how would that solve the problem of our son coming and going recklessly? He’s no father, never has been, I just wish I learned how to accept that.

I can’t wait for the mandatory curfew to start so my child has some control over his movements. Even then I bet he thinks it’s dumb and he can still do what he wants. Cases are found in his college and the town next to us and he still says “no one we know has it so we won’t get it.” I’m if the belief we need to quarantines best as possible until this is resolving. Better safe than sorry.

Shallow Thoughts Could Derail Something Good

I’m a tiny bit worried about this week.

I met a Peloton guy on line. We were flirting in a shared Peloton group and it moved to text, then to phone. Holy cow do I like this guy. Uh oh. I know my triggers.

Jerry hit every single button, twice over. I probably can’t even list all the things I like about him without meeting him. We’ve spoken for hours on the phone and by text – which I already know isn’t good before meeting and I can’t help myself.

He’s all he good things I’m looking for. Let’s start with his voice. It hits me the way my x-husbands used to back when I married him, or Tony’s or Bobby’s….I have always had a thing for the right voice. He’s got a slight accent which I adore. He’s very tall. He has two older children. He’s single. He has a great job. He motivated to have a relationship and is ready emotionally. He is fitness minded. He has a good foundation and support system of family and friends. His communication is like mine.

We behaved like teenagers. We began speaking on Saturday evening and we spoke on the phone for 8 hours. Even I have never done that before (could also be because I fall in love with married men??!!) We didn’t get off the phone until 7am, right through the time change! I lost a whole night, slept for 3 hours before I got started that Sunday, and I still felt like I was walking on a cloud thinking of him.

We are very aligned on so many important things, including understanding each others love languages. I could write a long list but the bottom line is he is exactly everything I’ve been looking for. Believe me, there is a red flag and a big one, but I’m not going to write about it now because its the kind of red flag I’m just going to have to see for myself with time.

It feels so right.

Except.

Except I’m unsure I will be attracted to him and thats disappointing to me. The physical pull is so important for me when I meet someone – its the one thing I have not been able to surpass, except with Tony. I keep thinking its possible this could happen with Jerry, and maybe I’m overthinking it, but I’m literally trying not to get too attached to how much I like everything abut him so I’m not disappointed when I meet him.

I’ve seen his photos. There is something appealing about him, but mostly I’m not particularly attracted. There are some bad photos of him that make me very unattracted, so who knows how he appears in person. My closest (and most judgmental) friend said “he’s not ugly M.” No he’s not ugly.

I’m going to have a very selfish and immature moment here, because this should be my safe space and I’m always honest here. I’m a very attractive woman for my age. Now I am also very fit and active. I bring a lot to the table and I (now) know my worth. Why is it I can’t get a guy of equal physical qualities? I want an attractive guy. I want the type of guy that my friends would compliment with a “he’s cute.” I don’t want to be the girl on someones arm and people comment the guy has a girl better looking than he is. This really bothers me. I realize this is entirely superficial, but it has stopped me from moving forward with a “nice guy” multiple times.

When dating Tony, I recall him looking down at me during sex with this completely euphoric expression, like, “I can’t believe I get to do this with you,” and I understand that “dating down” in terms of attractiveness can be a confidence boost in its own right. On the other hand, while I’m drawn to more attractive people, I’m just intimidated by the idea of dating someone hotter than me. So I don’t want to date someone too hot, just someone as equally attractive as I am, I don’t want to date down.

I am very open to meeting Jerry and trying to quiet this superficial side of my mind. I can see being his friend and confidant, and I love this. Our connection is strong emotionally, now I just have to conquer the physical part. I look at photos of Tony today and I don’t find him any more or less physically appealing than when I first saw his photo, but I am drawn to him, despite the fact he’s not super attractive. My hope is that this somehow happens with Jerry and we can explore the connection that we have.

Personally, the person I had the most deep, chemical attraction wasn’t conventionally handsome. The attraction felt almost indefinable, relying on everything from his looks and style to his mind and profession, to the smell of his skin and the sound of his voice. Deep attraction is, of course, a multisensory experience. But, as un-shallow as I have congratulated myself for being with Tony, I will admit that its mostly someone’s looks which overwhelm any need for a deeper compatibility at the start.

In the meantime, we have agreed to meet as friends with zero expectations. He is coming here to my city so he can go into the studio with me to run with my favorite instructors before the old studio closes and the new one opens. Jerry doesn’t live in my area, it would be a long distance relationship which I am very open to. He will come in Wednesday evening and depart Friday after class. We spoke about it and it is easiest for me to stay with him if I take the early morning classes – so he got a hotel room with two queen beds. I will meet him Wednesday afternoon and then have dinner plans with a friend and will come back to the hotel. We will run together with my other friends on both Thursday and Friday. We have brunch plans with mutual friends both days, and we will spend time together alone on Thursday afternoon and evening.

I am comfortable spending the time with him as a friend should the physical connection not be there. We’ve spoken about it and its clear there are no expectations.

Of course I know this is all risky, but we are both willing to give this a shot. The connection is unusual – when I met South Dakota, it was an instant physical connection, but ultimately we didn’t have anything in common and as the night went by, I could see him becoming less appealing. I wanted to pursue it further, but that didn’t happen so who knows. This type of emotional connection hasn’t happened since Mike and John and thats almost a year ago at this point. Clearly, there is no obvious reason for when and why I am physically or emotionally attracted to someone. I wasn’t particularly physically attracted to Dan and we ended up with some great dates, a mini vacation and some fabulous sex. I am struggling with this one and overthinking it for sure.

For once, I want my heart, brain and twat to fucking agree.

He’s A Nice Guy (Pt 2)

Thursday rolls around and Scott made arrangements at a hotel close to my home and said he would be here around 5pm. He was done with his local work early and ended up arriving around 2pm and I was nowhere near ready. I had that moment of panic that he would perceive me as disinterested but then got a grip and, instead of dropping everything I needed to do for myself, which included my workout, I didn’t and just let him know I would be ready after 5pm as planned. He wasn’t phased at all and told me to take my time, that my workout was important.

I also knew I didn’t have to go overboard with getting dressed for him, and I could just clean up nicely and we would be fine. I have seen a change in how I handle preparing for dates and don’t find myself really going over the top to impress anymore like I once did. In one way this is a relief, but in another sort of sad that I don’t get excited like that anymore. I suppose my sexy outfits and shoes will eventually be for one man who is going to really appreciate the effort I’ve gone to look good.

We met in the lobby and went to his room, once again with no pressure to have sex. We both admitted to being hungry so decided we should wait before getting messy. We also decided we would just eat in the hotel restaurant (which is quite nice, actually). Another pleasant and easy evening ensued. Conversation flows easily, but I still can’t put my finger on what I don’t like about Scott – but there is SOMETHING. Not enough to stop me in my tracks, but it’s there. Its making me a little nuts to ty and figure it out and, perhaps, inhibiting some of my more natural behavior.

Divorced for several years, two older children in college, a steady government job, a home and car. He’s stable and emotionally available. One longer relationship with a married woman so he understands what I went through pretty intimately which was unusual. We like a lot of the same things, we think along the same lines in how we approach things and there is no tension between us at all. We laugh together, but he’s not exactly funny -we just find humor in similar things and I am funny so he laughs at me.

But, for me, there is no excitement. I do miss that.

When we went back to the room we had another fun evening and we did a lot of talking to get to know one another. He makes it clear he is interested in me. He said I don’t know how to take a compliment (is that true? maybe. I am also uncomfortable with a lot of compliments coming from someone when I don’t know how I feel about them). I stayed over and needed to leave early to go for a workout, which again, he encouraged and was impressed that I was committed to my Peloton.

I would like to say he is a consistent communicator, but I haven’t gotten his pattern down yet. He prefers text to talk, which is unusual for a man. He asks a lot of non-text-appropriate questions (like “why are you single”) that shouldn’t be answered in text and require face to face or at least a phone conversation, which I say clearly I won’t engage in text and then he agrees (almost like it’s a test of what I will and won’t answer? I don’t know).

And then, the most confusing part to me – all the words are right. So many remind me of Tony. I have been dying to hear some of this and now its falling flat. But, why? Because its not Tony or because Scott isn’t the “one” they should be coming from? Or am I just smarter and know to keep things at a slower pace? I have this distinct feeling they are disingenuine, but then I think “how could that be” when its so new and its so consistent?

Here’s a snippet of his text to me:

I haven’t stopped thinking about your eyes. Your smile. Your laugh. Your beautiful body. I can’t wait to see you.

(sends a photo of dog on his lap and I reply “that looks comfy”) I’d prefer to have this absolutely stunning and breathtaking women I just met in that spot.

I know I want to hold her. Caress her gorgeous neck. Run my fingers over that sexy collarbone. Kiss her sensual lips. See the pure radiance of her smile. Be in her presence. Being around her makes your mind go blank.

I’m keeping a list of all your favorites (and he names them all…)

I may have spent a minute or ten telling my daughter about this super awesome lady I just met. Told her I would like to figure out how to snag her….yep, I said it. I will own it.

I’m going to need to work at Lowe’s part time (to buy me the things that bring me joy because his government job is low income)

You showed up and I was speechless….you look just like your photos but so much better in person and with such an amazing personality to match. I think you are the most amazing person.

So I should be thrilled, right? I’ve been waiting for this, right? Then why not? He’s so sweet, he’s so nice. Why don’t I want this nice guy? Why aren’t I more excited?

For sure one of my blocks is his income. It feels way to close to my marriage where the disparity will ultimately create issues. But, I don’t know this man and that’s putting a lot of my history onto him or a future with him which is unfair, but I think that’s a solid roadblock for me. I have a sense of luxury that I don’t want to give up -even being unemployed I don’t think I can make such a significant change in income and actually end up being happy (or grateful) about it. I think I’m already spoiled to some extent (which I’ve done to myself). If I am being practical the bottom line is that his current salary cannot afford the lifestyle I am used to and will keep me working until the end of my life. I don’t want that, I already know that. Is that an unfair thought, sure. But it’s the truth. My expectation was that somehow and somewhere someone would be taking care of me, not the other way around. Disparity in income and lack of ambition are some of the reasons I got divorced, this feels close to that – but I also shouldn’t assume just because he chose to stay in a government role that he’s not ambitious, should I?

He may also have a false sense of confidence. This is a total shot in the dark – his confidence could be real, I don’t know, but my instinct is that he’s a bit full of bravado. He doesn’t particularly beat his chest or something so obvious, but there are small indicators of how he thinks he’s “cool” and I tend to think people who really are, don’t need to speak about it. I don’t think I’ve hear him say anything self-deprecating…and this is usually my signal that the man is self-aware and has a sense of humility.

So, I’m at a loss. I don’t think I should cut him loose, but I can’t draw him closer either. Eventually things will work their way out I think and I will figure out whats at the bottom of it.

My friends are beginning to question my decisions with men. Most think I should settle for a nice man willing to care for me. A man who I would be a prize for. Yea, I get the idea, but I need my own prize and “nice” doesn’t do it. That aggression that goes with ambition is attractive to me, and those men are not a dime a dozen but have women who are. They also match and go off the market really quickly. Is it wrong to expect a man of similar caliber? If I find an unattractive man, but he has every other quality I’m looking for – why am I still dissatisfied? (This is what my friends keep saying to me – I’m shooting too high and have to drop the looks piece). So far, I have been unable to cross this hurdle – the physical attraction is a strong pull for me that I can’t seem to surpass.

I have taken a look at my requirements again, and they remain the same and I do realize that my formula may be broken, but despite trying to go our of my comfort zone, I can’t seem to be attracted to a man who doesn’t hit all of these:

  1. Handsome / Attractive to me (which includes height and weight)
  2. Ambition
  3. Physically fit (this is actually much less of an issue anymore, most divorced men are)
  4. Funny and fun
  5. Financially well off – likes a little bit of bougie and doesn’t get upset with mine
  6. White collar
  7. Father
  8. Divorced (or separated living apart of some time)
  9. Great communicator; understand words of affirmation as a love language
  10. Good sexual chemistry

How many of these are total deal breakers and not just desires? So far, it seems without 8/10 it becomes a deal breaker. The list used to be like 22 things, so this is a major improvement! But, even here, my friends think I should be focused on a nice man, and let some of the other things go (all their “nice men” are well off, intelligent and kind – and not good looking).

I’m at a loss lately and I feel like a spoiled brat, but I haven’t figured out what I can give up or even that I should give any of it up. Dan and Tony hit 9/10. Bobby to 8/10. Only Mike hit 10/10 and he wasn’t interested enough in me for unknown reasons. I still daydream about Mike and wonder why not me? I suppose he’s my unicorn.

If I’m not attracted to someone, how do you overcome this if they meet a bunch of other great criteria? Even the dating service I went to debated this with me – saying most women wanted a nice man and were not so worried about a mans looks. I don’t know how you have enough chemistry with someone you are not attracted to -to then go on and have decent sex? If Im not attracted enough to want to kiss them, how does the rest follow?

Ugh.

He’s A Nice Guy (Pt 1)

I was thrilled to have an exploratory interview last week and when I’m not feeling like I will jinx myself, I will write a post about it. It was sort of like talking to adults again for the first time in months! I felt my brain turn on, the adrenal rush my best skills coming out to play.

The interview was early afternoon and I had time to kill between the interview and meeting a friend for dinner. I had been talking to a match for a day or so on Bumble and had mentioned the break. He offered coffee post the interview and I accepted.

Right away there was a good connection. Scott was very responsive in text and conversation flowed easily. I was looking forward to meeting him, and attempting not to focus on his looks. His photos were cute, but not especially my type. I’m trying here.

Meeting him in person was pretty much aligned with what I had thought about the photos, good-looking but just not my type. The bigger disappointment was height as he indicated 6′ and if he was even 5’11” thats being generous. I HATE when guys lie about height. It is such a turn off to me. I was determined not to let the height thing get in the way of getting to know him. But, this shit sticks with you.

We had a nice date and sent a couple hours together before I needed to meet my friend. I thought he was kind, funny, interesting and fun to be with. There was an undercurrent of something I didn’t like and I still haven’t figured out what it was exactly. There were NO obvious red flags which was refreshing. When we left the bar we were at, he walked me to the restaurant to meet my friend. He pulled me in for a nice kiss and we were totally in sync. It didn’t send chills down my spine but it was a good kiss. Ever since Douchebag Jim I realize the importance of a good kiss even more acutely. Jim’s crappy kisses that one date really stuck with me more so than some others. He held my hand on the way to restaurant. I was comfortable.

While I was with my friend he sent a few follow up text to say he was thinking of me and couldn’t wait to see me again. At that moment my friend was telling me how jet-lagged she was and she wanted to cut the evening short. When I told Scott, he asked if I would come to see him (same city, different borough) and my (silly but sassy) answer was “I don’t cross bridges!” He immediately offered to come get me for our second date.

Before he arrived he had done some research on bars in the area and had a fe options. We walked hand and hand to check them out and decided together they didn’t have the right atmosphere for one reason or the other. We landed up finding a New Orleans style bar that was ideal, and it turns out we were out on Fat Tuesday, so the bar had a New Orleans style Second Line band (think mini- marching band!) We settled next to one another into a bench seat facing into the bar. The manager was friendly and kept giving us free Hurricane shots (after 1 I was done and he drank the rest). The music was fabulous and I found myself just sort of falling back into his embrace as we watched them play. We both had massive grins plastered to our faces, between the kisses and the music the night was really nothing short of great fun. It will be a night to remember because of the easy spontaneity.

Of course, now that the night is late and we have been drinking, he is asking me to come back with and I agree. He is very clear there is zero expectation of me, just that he doesn’t want the night to end. As we know, this is the prescribed line at this point in the evening, and I expected it. Unusually, I believed him. There was nothing in his behavior to suggest he would push me.

And he didn’t. Not once. Nothing inappropriate. He made sure I had water on my side of the bed. He wrapped his arms around me gently. Yes, we made out (a lot) and yes we were mostly undressed. He asked if his hands could wander. He asked if I felt comfortable. He didn’t cross any lines I wasn’t allowing him to cross. And then, I wanted sex, so that happened. Again and again until we fell asleep. Sex was good and he knows how to use what he’s got. He is intent on providing pleasure and looking for my cues. We fell asleep entangled and woke up and did it all over again. We were both very comfortable with the other and he was in no rush for me to leave.

The most notable thing to happen during ht evening was a surprise I still haven’t quite processed. As we were fooling around, but before sex, I mentioned my surgeries and scars. Without missing a beat, he lifted my shirt to look at my belly! I was so startled I didn’t know what to think. Before I had a chance to process (anger was the first immediate thought) he said “who cares, you’re gorgeous, your body is gorgeous and everything about you is beautiful.” And, I believe, he meant it because it was so matter-of-fact. But still, I was so caught off guard and just didn’t know what to make of his bold move. We moved into sex after that so I didn’t dwell on it. I didn’t remark on it again until the morning when I said I couldn’t believe he did it. He told me I was nuts to even let it cross my mind and said he wanted to hear the story when I was ready to tell it. The reaction of the men I have had sex with is exactly what Dan told me months ago, no one would care. It’s me, I care, it bothers me. The trick is trying to get over not letting it distract me and Scott removed the distraction immediately.

We walked to coffee together and he saw me to my car. Before I left he was making plans for our next date. He works between two major cities and his home is in the other city, but he stays in one place for a few weeks at a time. I didn’t ask when he would be back again, but I know he is here all the time. He offered to get a hotel close to my home so he could see me the next evening (as his company is paying for a hotel anyway) and I agreed. I suppose that would make it date 3.

The thing is, I don’t know how I feel. I don’t have a good reason not to be into him other than, perhaps, his looks. He isn’t unattractive, he just doesn’t “do it” for me, at least not yet. He’s a nice guy, so whats my issue?

He is interested, I like him, so I agree to the Thursday date. If he could go to the trouble to work from my area and make sure he saw me before he left the city, it was a good sign.