So Many Fluttering Butterflies

I am starting to wonder:

  1.  Is it a full moon or some other celestial occurrence this week?
  2. Is there speed in my coffee?
  3. What the hell is going on with my body?
  4. How f*cked am I that I feel like I do?

Ever since Monday I have been out of my mind with desire.  Lucky for Bennett, he is the object of my affection.  What I find so unusual about this is the fact that I have my period this week and I never, ever feel like this during a period week.

My periods, frankly speaking, are crappy.  Very heavy for 2-3 days and while they used to last 4 days max on the nose, now they seem to drag on for 6.  Makes me nuts and I feel pretty gross for at least 3 days constantly in the bathroom every hour to change.

Generally speaking I can map my desire to the peak of my ovulation.  I have this nifty little app called Clue which I track my period.  I would say Clue is accurate at least 90% of the time.  It will tell me when ovulation starts, ends, and peaks.  It predicts when my period will start.  The more information you add the smarter the app becomes, so I am sure to add days I feel particularly sensitive, notice discharge, or get very horny.

So my handy-dandy app certainly isn’t predicting uncontrollable horniness this time of month, but would normally let me know to expect cramps and crankiness.

Ok, so the cramps came as predicted, along with some headaches as usual.  A little crankiness.  But the sexual drive I have this week is absolutely unheard of….  I am out of my mind.

Bennett and I are due to spend an overnight together this Thursday, and then next week we will be together every day and night from Wednesday through Sunday.  This is creating an immense excitement within, generating butterflies for the amount of time I am getting, but I still don’t know where the crazy desire is coming from.

I can hear Bennett’s voice and I get a thrill through me.  It’s that simple.

I can’t wait til I see him tomorrow night and I plan to dress drop dead sexy in a black, low-cut sleeveless dress, black tight and the hottest pair of red suede Loubou’s you have ever seen.  I feel like sexy is dripping from every pore of my body.

The Clue app also gives me a “blue-star” day, which indicates the height of ovulation, but I use it to gauge the height of sexual desire because it always correlates for me!  I have explained the app to Bennett and he likes to track the blue star days and be sure he plans his time around them!  It’s a win-win for me.  The entire time we are together next week are marked blue on the Clue calendar, so it’s sure to be a good time sexually.

Coming off of all this excitement and desire, I promised myself to consider making decisions regarding Bennett as I assume he won’t be talking to his wife…..if I stay, I will be prohibiting myself to complain about the situation.  If I go, I am going to have to have the strength to say goodbye, put the counter (like ASV) on this damn blog, and stick to some form of no-contact.    We clearly know my conundrum is that I am happy with Bennett, I have few struggles and I see him as a long-term partner, so I don’t pretend any path I take is an easy one.

Today, though, today I am freaking wound up and want to have sex in  the worst way.  I have a dinner with my new boss tonight and we are both big drinkers, so at least there will be some fun.  Then tomorrow I am with Bennett for a fantastic dinner and an overnight to satisfy all this desire.

I wish I knew what’s making me so crazy because it’s unprecedented!



How to Get Rid of Boredom | Two Dates in One Evening

Faced with boredom of an evening alone, I made plans with a guy who was from out-of-town, moving to the area in the next few months.  I met him on OKC and we were a decent match at 95%.  He looked a little dopey for my taste but he was 6’4″, seemed quite nice and had a decent cadence in his text conversation.  I decided to meet him for drinks.  He had no car on his trip to my area, so I drove to meet him.

We had been texting for about two days at this point and had one phone conversation.  He was really easy to talk to and we had some common interests.  The sex talk was flirty and careful.   I was interested in meeting him, but there was very little thought that went into this date.

Truly, there is not much to report.  We had set a time limit for 2 hours (I said I had plans following).  He was handsome in his way, a lovely full head of hair for 48 years old, a nice smile and convivial.  We had good conversation over drinks and ordered a little food.  I kept it to two drinks since I had to drive home.

Here’s the thing, while he has been divorced for a while and is in a good position to date, he is still in the process of moving to this area and establishing himself.  This also means he has no life here, no friends.  I cannot be anyone’s sole focus.  I’m not ready for that.  I already started to sense that he was looking for his partner here, and he wasn’t partner material for me.  I didn’t really care for him much one way or the other.

We kissed goodbye and I was a bit taken aback.  While I sensed he was a bit more dominant, in fact he made a point of telling me about this, he didn’t kiss with his tongue!  I hate this!  WTF, man?  Kiss me! And hard!

I had to stop, it’s just not my style

We said goodbye, with the promise of meeting again.

He has since contacted me several times to let me know he is back this week.  I need to say “No, Thank you”  I can’t follow this through based on sheer boredom, I don’t even have a whiff the sex might be good.  I am not good at “No” and I hate to ghost.  Argh.

During the date, while he stepped away to go the bathroom I peered at the messages on my phone and saw one from Finnian.  I had met Finnian over the weekend on OKC.  We were a 85% match.  Text messaging started easily, not over the top, interesting.  He asked me out quickly and when I gave him an option for dates he mentioned he was traveling for several days.

I figured that his travel might be a good indication of how well he was interested.  He mentioned he was coming back too late Thursday for a proper date and that meant planning for the next week.  Could we sustain communication for 10 days?

As it turned out, what started as a gentle ebb and flow got a little silly one night when he was drinking.  No lines crossed, just a little silly sweetness in his text.  It was cute.  And so it went, his text became a little more telling and a bit more frequent.  He was interested.

So, back to the date, when I saw Finnian’s text that he had a second wind and asked if I could consider meeting him out late (he knew I was out, just not with whom) I jumped in quick and said “Sure, I will come to you!”

My date finished with that weird open mouth no tongue kiss and I was off to meet Finnian.

I parked my car and went to meet him in the designated restaurant when I realize he is walking towards me to look for me.  He is handsome but slight.  Tall but not tall enough.  I smell soft.

Aaaaaarrrrrgghhhh.  I didn’t get soft in his message tone!  I missed it.  And I didn’t get the slight build either, realizing his full body photo he had a coat on.

Then he smiled and his whole face lit up, oh gosh, he’s cute.  He held out his hand to take mine.  He sweetly kissed my cheek.  He didn’t ask what I wanted to drink and ordered Prosecco.  He looked me in the eyes while speaking.

Hey, what’s happening here?  He’s not so much my type.  But I like him.

We drink a bit and he offers food.  I’m famished and we select pizza together.  As we are walking to the pizza place, he grabs my hand and pulls me into him.  Considering I had just been on a date with a guy who was 6’4″, I had on 4″ heels or so.  Finnian is just 6′ so I was taller.  This is a real distraction to me.  Plus, I felt bigger than him.

Then he kissed me.  His hand brushes across my hair, sweeping it off the front of my face and firmly plants itself on the back of my head and pulls me close. A perfect kiss.  A surprisingly dominant kiss.  I felt my entire body relax.

Ok, maybe I can do this after all with Finnian.

The night ended with some great kissing in the car.  I am pretty certain I upended him with my kissing, he was hot and I could tell he didn’t want to leave…and not in the “I want to jump in bed with you” kind of way, he liked me, a lot.  He didn’t want the night to end.

Oh goodness, I know how he feels.  Just not with him. 😦

Finnian had the butterflies.





The Butterfly Strike

It’s in the air.

Something about the month, the water, the smell, the breeze.  I don’t know.  But it’s time.

I am very thankful that the vice-grip on my heart was partially dismantled earlier this month by a jolt of sexual electricity.  I desperately needed the reminder that I will be a sexual being again and my blood will flow white-hot for someone.

Do you know how good that felt?

As silly as this may sound, I felt my body and mind relax and tell me true acceptance for last summer is coming.  Eventually, the memory will remain pleasant and wonderful, and maybe even stay rose-colored for a long time to come.  That’s ok with me.  The universe didn’t give me what I thought I wanted and needed so badly for a reason, there must be a reason.

I just don’t need to find the reason anymore.

Now I just need to find what’s next for me in terms of a relationship.

I have been careful about who I am speaking with.  It’s so much easier to weed through the wasteland, and actually even less disheartening, when you stop entertaining people who will do no more than absorb your energy.  If I don’t match with you Mr. Handsome Brain Surgeon, I’m going to match with that next handsome man….soon.  I know it.

Now, I know it.

Guess what?

I found an amazing match!

I matched with someone who was damn near perfect in too many ways to count AND had a similar style to my own in terms of dating.

I felt my pulse quicken.  With each text, and then with each call, the magic carpet came to carry us both away.

It was soooooooooooo hard (yes, it required that many “o’s” because it was THAT hard for me!) to slow down.

But, slow it down I did, a little.  I admitted to getting carried away easily and suggested meeting in person might do us both a favor.

He agreed.

I met him on OKC.  Ever since I altered my search criteria, I have been coming up with much better matches.

He is tall, 6’2″ and very modern looking.  Edgy.  Interestingly enough, he had one sort of distance photo where I couldn’t see his face and we hit it off on repartee long before I finally saw his face.  He is handsome, really handsome.  An amazing life and career.  A son.  Almost divorced. He shaves his head entirely so that will be a first for me.

The banter flowed smoothly and easily.  He was kind, gentle, silly, attentive and curious.  We found 100 weird coincidences like our sons have the same name, we are born on the same day (different month), he has the same name as my father/brother, his profile has one of the same tag lines mine does, and more silly little things like that.

He text a bit in the evening, then again the next morning.  As the text became more and more full, I mentioned I would love to hear his voice and he called immediately.

That’s the second time in the space of a week a man’s voice ripped right through me.  I love this feeling!

And did I mention we are a 99% match on OKC…fun!  I mean, seriously.


I love when the Butterflies strike!  I am such a sucker for the butterflies!

Let me say this now, I know I am a sucker for the Butterflies.  I fall every. single. time.  But, this time, I caught myself and tried to slow down.  That’s progress!

I could feel his smile through the phone which made me grin even more broadly.  He was gregarious and light, not full of a million “are you the perfect woman” question but just sharing stories and experiences.  I didn’t feel like I was being interviewed, I felt like I was making a new friend.

By mid-day, knowing I had to slow it down, I admitted to him I felt we were both very excited about meeting one another and that we should try to meet to see how the in person chemistry was….he readily agreed.

We set plans for one night away to meet for a drink after work, and if all went well, we would see the Opera together on Friday (my friend had to cancel and the ticket was available…)

Have I mentioned how happy I am that Spring is here?

I feel such a renewed sense of energy with the change in weather and perhaps, with my change in luck.  To have met several men that are viable dating opportunities isn’t a bad place to be!

Now….here’s the key….I know how carried away I get, and easily.  Way too easily.  I LOVE feeling like this.  I love how he is so attentive to me and can’t seemingly get enough of me.

I also know that every time this has happened before, every single time, it hasn’t worked out for me.  That’s the piece I have to focus on or I’m going to be in for a world of hurt if I let things escalate at this pace.    I keep reminding myself to slow down, way down, enjoy the feeling, the euphoria, but slow way the fuck down.

The thought has crossed my mind that men who do this, get carried away like this, maybe all they really want only sex anyway and they are just so clever that they approach it by being the perfect relationship guy.  Once they get the sex, which tends to be quite easy with me, they disappear – which was their intention all along.

I would like to believe that there is really a man out there, like me, who can get carried away and still remain sincere and true, but like I said – it’s never happened.  Not to me.  Not to my friends.  Sure, you hear stories about it, but I don’t know these people.

This time around, I’m going to enjoy the butterflies with a healthy dose of cynicism.

At least, I’m going to try my best.

I know butterflies, as welcome and wonderful as they are, have proven to equally be a recipe for disaster.  The pace at which we are moving forward is too fast.  You know what they say “the higher you fly, the harder you fall.”

Why do I know this to be true and just hate, really HATE to acknowledge it.