I realize my depression spiral is most likely related to Bennett. Everyone handles life circumstances differently. It seems the only two things that have ever pulled me deeply into depression are death and heartbreak. I clearly do not know how to manage myself when it comes to romantic relationship.
Letting go of something not meant for me seems to be my ultimate struggle. I am almost fully decisive in most areas of my life, except for this.
The pain of losing Bennett is different from the pain of losing Bobby. It’s much deeper and more serious. It worries me more. I know I can’t allow myself to let go of my thin tether to reality this time and I think it’s what’s taking me longer to let go of him at all. The truth is, I still believe he is a perfect partner for me. I believe we would have an insanely blessed life together in every respect. I need to get myself to firmly believe it’s never going to happen.
I think about the possibility of staying with him while I get on with the rest of my life. I know that would be nice for a while before I end up mad and upset that I’m not his priority. I don’t think he’s comfortable living two lives now that he has fully acknowledged there’s a real problem at home. The times I speak to him, he sounds more confused than before. Since he made the decision to stay married, I can feel how hard it is to hold back with me. Ultimately that makes me uncomfortable because it’s not how he acted the year prior. Even if all the things he said to me were wrong, it’s how the relationship was built and how I understood him. With those things missing, it no longer has the security it once did.
We have been talking and I have started seeing him again. I know if I choose to stay here, I basically have to shut my mouth and not complain. I don’t think I can do that – so why am I torturing myself? I can sense when I do challenger him (with time mostly) that he pulls back and gets tense since he knows there is nothing he will do to change the situation.
My only answer is that the pain of being without him is worse than him not being in my life romantically. I do realize that is lame, but I seem to be unable to extricate myself from this situation.
When I said I didn’t feel safe here anymore it’s because it’s the ONLY place I was safely able to lay out my crazy thoughts without backlash. I know I am doing the wrong thing, yet I am not stopping. Everyone is tough love on me, which is lovely in and of itself, but not when I’m confused and need help clearing out the muck. Is the only way ahead to simply shut every thought and feeling about Bennett out of my head and heart? If it is, I am not yet able to do so. I have gotten to the place where I am crying more than anything else. My temper is short. I’m distracted. And sad. Terribly sad. What is so wrong with me that, since post-marriage, I have chosen men who have been entirely unavailable to me?
I don’t have time for therapy. I don’t have time for exercise. My priority is my job and kids for the year ahead. I am working hard to establish my foundation in my new role. For me that means full dedication at the expense of other things. I am, at least, starting to monitor my weight and making some progress in that area.
I spend my free time doing as much as I am able to take my mind off of him, yet I am obsessed over not losing him entirely. Maybe I don’t know how to lose?
Whatever it is, I know it’s not healthy for me and my patterns are not changing enough. I don’t know how people stay in affairs for years, but if that’s what I am setting myself up for – how do I even manage that? How do those people not argue and simply accept the circumstances for what they are? I always seem to need more and more and more.
Maybe I just need a lobotomy.