Bennett spoke to his wife.
Yep. Caught me by surprise too.
Here’s what happened. We had mostly stopped speaking and seeing one another and it was pretty hard on both of us. His 22 year wedding anniversary was April 29 and I knew in my head that if that date came and went and he never had the talk with her that I would just be waiting forever for nothing. I had set my mind to finally moving forward by early April.
I wasn’t doing terribly good or bad. I had some days where it hurt if I missed him and other days that went by without much thought. I decided I wasn’t ready to date, so I had stopped. There was plenty to fill my time and I felt pretty good about life in general.
The short version is that he called me the morning of his anniversary crying. I had never heard him so broken and it was upsetting. We continued to talk or text throughout the day but my stance was clear, no more after today. I was done. I became more upset and he became more erratic causing an argument and me telling him I pretty much hate him (I know, childish, but there it is). The text stop in the evening and I didn’t hear from him until the next evening. The text read:
“I spoke to my wife, are you awake?”
I thought I would hear bells of joy but instead I was more curious than anything. He explained their short conversation. He started with their anniversary passing by with “no notice and no love, and he was gravely unhappy, didn’t she feel the same?”
Well, no she didn’t. She felt this is how he wanted things. He didn’t want romance, or sex or anything. That his ED problems were because he wasn’t attracted to her therefore making her not want sex. She was caught off guard and blindsided entirely. They stopped the conversation because she was too upset.
Unfortunately, Bennett chose a horrible time to tell her because her mother (whom she has no good relationship with) is in town and staying with them for a week. He admits he should have told her before but he was so panicked about losing me (it finally sunk in, I guess) that he seized the courage and ran with it. They can’t really spend time together talking until after next Tuesday or so.
But, talk and text a little they have. Enough to drive him into even more desperate confusion. He expected her to say “yes, this isn’t a good marriage and you are right we should call it quits.” But that’s not what she’s saying, she’s saying “how do we make this work?” She’s showing feelings for him that she hasn’t shown in many, many years. Her entire existence is being threatened and she’s not about to let it go without a fight. he thought this was going to be much more black and white.
I can’t blame her. This comes as no surprise to me.
The love each other, perhaps they have forgotten how much. It’s a shame how that happens in marriage. We grow stale when we don’t work at it. They have never had good communication, this is only the second time in many years that he admitted to being unhappy. The first time it happened she begged him to stay as well (and obviously he did). They are both relatively passive, and neither wants disruption to this level so it’s most likely they try at it a few months, or years and it all slips back to where it is now.
I don’t know. No one has that crystal ball.
He isn’t running into her open arms, it’s not that, but he should explore how he feels about her and if there really is opportunity to save a 22 year marriage and make a new one, a healthy one out of the destruction it is.
When he began to cry on the phone last night, I knew he was crying because he needs to let go of me and he’s finally realized he can’t have his feet planted in both worlds.
He needs to determine where this marriage is going. And if he stays, he needs to invest. Bobby did it. It seems I am very good at showing men what they should have in a good relationship – within their marriages.
He insists he is unsure she is actually capable of going it on her own and he feels responsible for that. Part of me believes this because she was totally oblivious to their disconnect over the past 5-10 years, she admitted this to him.
If they connect emotionally, the sex will follow. Regardless that he’s not currently attracted to her, for Bennett, most of that has to do with emotional connection more than physical connection. If she can tap back into his heart/head, the rest will follow for him, even if it’s less sexual than he prefers, as long as he feels he is being loved and getting attention, I believe he will stay.
I know the feeling in my chest. My heart has finally broken now. I was lying to myself since the original break-up in January and hoping against hope that something might change. This time I wasn’t blind to the things I was doing to myself, but did them all the same which was foolish.
Some healing had started, but not the real, true, deep mourning that needs to happen in order to move forward. I guess it’s time for that now.
We said our goodbyes this morning. I can’t be part of what’s about to happen in his life. If they ultimately land on separation (which I doubt) then he can call me and tell me and we can go from there.
Otherwise, my only priority it to heal my heart and move forward.
The weather outside here reflects my current state of misery. Cold and rainy. 😦