What Makes Chemistry?

Ya, I know no one really has the answer to that. It’s different for all of us. It’s been on my mind quite a bit lately.

I met Matthew about 2 weeks ago, everything looked great on paper. Conversation on the phone was good and then we met for a drink and dinner. He was what I expected. We had a lovely time. Matthew is kind, handsome, generous, single, a good father and has a great job. But something was lacking. He said a few times his friends found him so funny but I didn’t get that from him. He was also the type of parent that was judgmental (my sweet boy doesn’t do THAT!). That irks me a bit. And there is something effeminate about him which I can’t quite put my finger on.

Today, as I was telling my best friend,she noticed I was making faces when I spoke about him. She concluded I wasn’t into him enough and should end it. I even felt the same writing this post. He’s not for me, but he would be good for me. What I’ve done so far hasn’t worked so I am consciously trying something different.

However, I’m not getting over whatever is lacking in chemistry to actually experience the good stuff.

Matt has already asked me out for valentines (I declined as I already have plans with my bff). He’s brought me flowers. He texts and calls every day. He is consistent and kind. He wants a full, communicative relationship. He never crosses any lines sexually but asks just enough that it’s appropriate. He loves to hold my hand, pay attention and kiss me. He is a good listener. He’s a fabulous kisser.

Like I said, pretty much everything I have been looking for, especially in the attention department.

But…I’ve been up nights with Tony on my mind since I’ve met Matthew. Something in my subconscious is working overtime. What is it? Is the red flag there and buried? Am I trying to get to a grain of truth I’m not seeing?

I vowed to give him another shot – a date outside of a restaurant/bar and spending more quality time together. I am attracted to him. He would be kind and considerate of my medical history, depression and scars.

I don’t have any butterflies with Matthew, but I didn’t have them immediately with Rob either. It wasn’t until I brought Rob to my family party that I got excited about him, but that was more about finally feeling human again and loving how he just “fit in” so easily. Rob wasn’t where I needed a man to be intellectually….he wasn’t a dumb guy, but when I say intellectually here’s what I mean –

Taken from an article on Bustle:

“Intellectual compatibility is when both people are mentally stimulated by the same conversations,” relationship coach and expert, Jenna Ponaman, CPC, tells Bustle. This doesn’t necessarily mean you both need to have the same IQ level. It simply means that you both have the capacity to indulge in deep conversations that become mutually interesting for the two of you. 

According to Ponaman, this is important to have because it will shed a light on how compatible you are in other areas of your relationship. “For example one person may be sexually compatible with their partner, but if they don’t find them interesting on a more intellectual level, the ability to make this a thriving lasting serious relationship is slim,” she says. In other words, it’s really hard to make a relationship last if you and your partner have nothing to talk about.”

I didn’t have enough to talk about with Rob that engaged us both enough to continue. Sure he was SUPER handsome, kind, generous and HOT, but we were not on the same page.

As I wrote that – and after the conversation with my friend today – I realize I have to tell Matthew it’s a no go. I thought we were intellectually compatible but I realize when he’s talking I get bored super quick. And I’m not laughing.

Oh I hate this part but the less time I waste the better. And to coin Ferns phrase, it’s good when I give no fucks. I make better decisions.

Blog posts where I answer my own questions are the best!

Keeping Trixie Silent

I know all the right things to do. I know not to contact Tony’s wife. Some days the right reasons don’t matter and that’s the part I strive to understand about myself.

My therapist basically said “let go and let God.” “Vengeance is mine, said the Lord.”

I did read everyone’s comments and digest them. Thank you. I just didn’t have any energy to address each one. When you know you want to do something wrong, it’s hard to listen to people who care about you telling you to behave differently.

Why do I have to hurt him? It doesn’t even make sense to me. Isn’t it bad enough I’m in such pain? Why hurt another family?

I suppose what struck me this time was the fact that I don’t know what Pandora’s box I am opening by telling her. She could be as nuts as Trixie for all I really know. Or, even if she’s not, maybe one of her friends are. I may experience the release of anger temporarily, but I could end up doing even more damage to myself and I’m not well enough to manage any more damage. I heard that from you loud and clear.

But the feeling of wanting to out him is strong.

So strong I reached out to him instead. Which is just as bad. He hasn’t answered me so now I’m obsessing. The trick is not to fall back into compulsion to force him into communication with me. He is doing the right thing for both of us. Something I can’t seem to do.

My head is still not screwed on. For any step forward I fall back, way back. I feel lifeless and empty. Trying to fill this void is overwhelming.

I know this comes down to simple math: he gave me something I never had and I can’t see past that. But I know there is no choice than to move forward and put him behind me.

I don’t even mention this to my support system anymore because I’m so embarrassed. I can’t afford the therapist as I’ve been out of work too long.

I’m just worried I’m sliding too far back. I’m worried it all feels like to much for me again.

You Can’t Want it More Than He Does

My eldest son has chosen to come home from his college. While it wasn’t my first choice, I knew I needed to support his decision. I did everything I could to help him exit one school and apply to another. Let me tell you, it was a bitch in such a short time and he was generally useless but it’s done now.

Some things happened with his grades and classes that I am actually angry about. Not angry at him for choosing or doing poorly – angry that he takes the “Of course this always happens to me” stance. I want to throttle him when he pulls that. Take responsibility and own what you’ve done. Realize your errors or challenges and figure out how you can do better next time.

I’ve spoken to him about this and haven’t demonstrated anger, just support. But I hit a boiling point when he “gives up”.

Luckily, my closest friend and the therapist have been helping me with this. The most impactful statement so far has been “You can’t want this more than he does.”

And I think that hit the nail on the head. I wanted him to get it right, get it done, move forward and be successful. I knew what mistakes he was making but I also knew he wasn’t listening to any advice I was giving him. So I stopped. I just listened to him and asked what his next steps are. This ain’t easy for me – I want to tell him what I think he should be doing, but he’s 19. He needs to want his own future.

It was a powerful moment for me.

Because on the back of that, I then acknowledged that even if I did help him (and he potentially fails) it wouldn’t change the outcome. He will learn much faster when he sees his goal and tries to reach for it instead of me handing him trophies along the way for every small effort. It’s still a bitter parenting pill – I know I can guide him. But this is something he has to do on his own.

I kept thinking if I helped him, he would get to his goal on time (meaning graduate college in 4 years with his peers). And it’s possible he doesn’t really see that future as his responsibility, yet. But he won’t succeed until he does. He needs to want to graduate in 4 years from a great college with good grades. I wanted that for him and I know he said he wanted it for himself, but I’m looking in the rear view mirror knowing the trials behind me and ahead of him, he can’t see over the hill in front of him. He needs to get there on his own.

Ambition and aggression have always been a part of my nature. They came built in. No one really knows how or why that happens, but some people are just more like that than others. In relationship, I generally don’t do well with others who are not similar (mind you my best friend is polar opposite but more in that another day). I lean towards like-minded people. We all know this was one major reason for my divorce: I was moving forward fast and he wanted to stand still. When I see the “woe is me” attitude with my kids it makes me bonkers. However, if these are my kids, I can nudge, encourage and advise but I cannot DO for them what they need to do for themselves.

It’s a heartbreaking lesson to watch your kid suffer and struggle, partially of his own accord.

Here’s to hoping he finds himself and grows stronger in the coming semester. And here’s to hoping he doesn’t disrupt the house so much that all the peace of the last 4 months disappears.

Mexico Update

If anyone lives in Utah or Arizona there is going to be a live news cast on the infection I came home from Mexico with: Pseudomonas aeruginosa

You can also google:

CDC Tijuana Superbug

Grandview Hospital Mexico

Pseudomonas aeruginosa Grandview Hospital

And you will see I was one of the first to come home with, but not the last to be taken down by this superbug.

https://www.cdc.gov/hai/outbreaks/pseudomonas-aeruginosa.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/they-went-to-mexico-for-surgery-they-came-back-with-a-deadly-superbug/2019/01/23/ac0ca280-1dcb-11e9-9145-3f74070bbdb9_story.html?utm_term=.048b6ed8902a

I know the people in the articles and interviews and their surgeries were post mine and we have been consistently shut down from allowing to post in the support group for patients. So one of the ladies went public.

It’s sure to be bigger news soon.

I Decided – Trixie Post

*Written last week

I made up my mind. I have decided to contact Tony’s wife. I have been reading and reading like crazy so many opinions about do/don’t contact and why.

And I finally decided I am never going to be at peace until she hears the truth. I asked him many months ago, before I had my breakdown, to tell her. He promised he would. This was the only way I could avoid having this obsessive need to tell her myself.

He didn’t.

Here’s my email to her:

Hello Kelly,
I am sorry in advance for the disruption this email will cause.  
I am writing because I had an affair with your husband for approximately 2 years from 6/16 – 4/18.  
I have tried to avoid contacting you, but have realized I needed to do this for myself. We fell in love and when he decided to stay in your marriage, we were both unable to let go for a time and then, ultimately, I was the one who couldn’t let go. I have been suffering a deep depression which led to harming myself.  
I needed to finally stop hoping one day he might change his mind and just give you the facts about Tony.  
It is up to Tony to honestly explain to you what he’s done throughout your marriage, and who knows about it. I can provide any proof you need from me but thought keeping this email to the point was best.   
Madeline

If you are curious what changed my mind it was this website:

https://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2016/10/05/should-i-tell-his-wife/

And a website called Chump Lady.

*written today

I guess I hadn’t decided because something is stopping me from sending it – and believe me that send button has been under my thumb more than once this week.

I’m just sitting on it. Perhaps the feeling will pass. Perhaps it won’t.

I realize there is no gain from this text to his wife. I try to keep mulling over in my head why I feel so strongly about outing him. I know part of it stems from pure rage that he gets to live his life free and clear after 20 years of continued cheating and the wreckage he left of me.

Then I think: who cares.

If I could surgically remove these thoughts and feelings of him I would opt to at this point. I would even go back to Mexico! (Not ever!)

Sticking to my Guns

I know in the past I would ignore things that struck me as “off” when I was dating. My gut would instinctively say “hey take a closer look at that” or “this isn’t quite right” and I would actively ignore those messages in favor of something I preferred to see in the man.

I wasn’t often wrong: at least not about my gut, I made lots of bad decisions though!  Those early signals are generally pretty good and I’m trying my best to be patient and listen to my inner voice when it’s saying “he’s not for you”. So far I’ve been doing well.

I find a man I like and if we start chatting and move to text, I mostly stay off the dating apps. This way I’m not worried about juggling and I remain focused on the one guy. I also realized it builds up the available pool. To do this I pay a tiny bit more for a boost, but I find it to be more effective and relaxing than being on these sites multiple times a day checking for new matches or messages.

Once I move to text, I probably do sound more like an interview than not.  I just want to get to the crux of it – are you serious or not?

So here’s the ;last few guys that made it to text….but I haven’t yet met:

Tom: it’s been 2 weeks,  Our first conversation was amazing and I liked him.  so much in common.  He travels for work so wasn’t home the first week, but text and called.  Then the last night of his trip he suddenly face times me at midnight and he’s in bed, no shirt.  I could see where it was going so I quickly said “oh you’re tired, lets chat tomorrow” and got off the call.  He texts something about a “dream” from his flight home and I finally said “sorry for the buzz kill, but we haven’t met so I’m uncomfortable with the sexual talk now.”  It just felt like a drag.  I liked him, wanted to meet him, but it never goes anywhere when you start-up with all the sexy stuff before you ever meet.  I don’t know how many times I heard that advice in the beginning and neglected it.  Now, I just don’t care how handsome and perfect on paper you are….I just don’t want to. Meet me in person and let’s see where it goes.  2 weeks of chatting and you haven’t made a date….that’s enough for me.

Spencer: started out lovely, but then also got into the sex talk.  He at least asked me out quickly.  When I went back to look at his photos, I could see a progression of weight gain when I started to piece together the dates (which I asked in conversation).  When I asked for his most recent photo he never answered me again.  I am not fat-shaming.  However, I tried more than once to go out with a very heavy man who I felt a connection with and it didn’t work for me, and I was getting the hint this man was very heavy.  He just disappeared after that.

Patrick: another one that started out great, easy banter.  But, when I asked the “how serious” question he flipped out that all women are treating men like horny 18-year-old boys with no brains in their head since the #metoo movement.  He indicated he preferred women with confidence and insinuated that I must not have any.  He had been clearly trying to “squeeze me in as a third or fourth priority with some random potential dates and I finally sent a clear message “when you have some solid time to make a date, get back to me.”  He replied by asking me if that was a gentle slap.  I don’t have anything else to say to him unless he plans on asking me out.  And by now, I don’t care.

Jack: I liked so much about Jack.  He was so good on paper.  But I suspected I wasn’t going to like him when I met him and I was correct.  He was handsome, well-educated, smart, kind, ambitious, tall, built, you name it.  Good catch.  But, holy cow was he boring.  I couldn’t even laugh at my own jokes he was so dry.  I really liked him, he was a good guy, but there wasn’t even the tiniest of tiny sparks.  I thought a kiss might help until that final moment I leaned in and realized I just didn’t even want to kiss him.

Matthew: maybe not my physical type exactly, but neither was Tony.  Tony reeled me in with laughter and attention.  Matthew has the attention part down pat and I like so much about him already.  Once again, all looks good on paper. I meet him tomorrow for dinner.  Fingers crossed.

 

Because I love to over-analyze everything, I was thinking about what made me so darn attracted to Dan, Bobby or Tony?  None was typical for me.  Bobby had a charming, easy confidence, handsome face but heavy-set.  Tony was cute and also had that charming, easy confidence and had the ability to make me laugh like crazy. Dan physically appealed to me more than Tony, but had the same type of charisma and could be a character.  So, is that the ignition switch for me?  Charming, easy confident men who can make me laugh?  None of them were sexually pushy, all were interested in my desires and how I liked things.  All wanted to please.  None was my “ideal” physical man (even if there was such a creature) but all of them drove me wild in more ways than one.

Chemistry is such an elusive thing….I know its wrong of me to say so, but I am dying to move on to another man to get Tony out of my head.  It’s been 9 months since I’ve seen him and over a month since we spoke about my surgery, 3 months of no contact before that.  This should feel easier than it is.

 

 

 

Keeping on Track

I set some small goals for January and wanted to check in to see how I was doing:

Work

Review and edit my resume and social profiles: completed, waiting for the final resume from the resume writer

Make a list of contacts and actively begin a search: did not do

Utilize outplacement website and webinars: did not do

Ensure all job search sites are set up properly for my searches: did not do

*Major fail in this area. If I am not working by Mach 1st we have a serious financial issue.

Personal

Choose an exercise to stick with and develop a routine: thought about it every day and did nothing.

Learn yoga or meditation: forgot I even set this as a goal. 

Create 2019 calendar: done. Disconnected from the family calendar so x can no longer see anything of mine unless it specifically affects him/kids.

Migrate addresses and birthdays to phone: started, not completed.

Give Keto eating a try: done.  2 weeks in and working well. I feel an energy boost and added mental clarity.

*Not a lot of improvement. I cannot get the exercise going and believe me I do have 10 minutes a day.

Finance

Remember unemployment Monday’s: I forgot last Monday 😦

Submit bonds for processing: done. Though with the shutdown this may impede and access to funds I was hoping for by February 1st.

Sort out S1 and S2 school immediately: done.

*Somewhat better achievement in this area, except if I don’t sort out the job part soon, money will be a huge concern.

Home

Deep clean: bathroom floors/grout: haven’t given this a second thought.

Put away Christmas decor: done.

Help son rearrange bedroom: when he’s ready, otherwise, I am not pushing.

Purchase rug for basement and mop floors: haven’t given this a second thought either.

*I realize how much I don’t want to care for my home anymore. It feels overwhelming and huge. Every time I look around I see dollar signs. I no longer get the joy from the home I used to, but it is a lovely family home we all feel comfortable in.

At the end of the day, I have zero motivation. Every step I take requires major energy drains. It feels like all the strong has been sucked out of me for good.

I can’t figure out this new me….I can’t find what’s going to give me the push I need.  In 51 years I have never been so wholly unmotivated and directionless.  And, what scares me most is the sense of being devoid of feeling.

Therapy is this week and it will have to be the last session until I’m employed.  I’m going to try to keep writing though.

Buckling Down

My frame of mind is improved, as has my energy since the first iron infusion.  I started a Keto diet and added in some MCT oil to see if that would help with my energy levels.  I also had my monthly B12 shot.  I am doing everything I can, except exercise, to get my self back on track.  I hate exercise, always have, and I have to find a way to make sure I begin again.  The Peloton bike stares at me every time I walk past it.  I have not other excuse except that I just hate exercise.

I’ve noticed my sleep is less disturbed this week, which is helpful.  I’m tired all day but not sleepy. My second infusion is Monday and by the end of the week – at least physiologically – my body should be back on track.

I haven’t gotten a period in 48 days.  I do notice waking a few times during the night being much too hot, taking off the covers and then a minute later (or less) pulling them back on and falling straight back to sleep.  I’ve had hot flashes before and perhaps this is the pre-cursor of peri-menopause because they are definitely not full on hot flashes – I can deal with these!

My weight loss has slowed and I’m close to my first goal.  I was 157 pounds yesterday and I know for a fact I haven’t been that low since my first pregnancy in 1999.  20 years being  technically obese is nothing to joke about.  I feel so much better in the way I can move my body without all that excess weight.  I love being able to cross my legs and keep them crossed or tucked under me all day, when you’re too heavy you can’t do this and its awkward.  This was the 4 month mark for me and the doctor says most people continue to lose through the first year, just more slowly.  If I can hit 145 pounds I would be thrilled.

So health gets a check plus.  My wound is still leaky and irritates me, but its not troublesome.

I’ve gone into credit card debt the first time since divorce and that scares me a bit.  I moved it all to no interest for 12 months, but the debt is large.  I am not used to not having any income at all.  I really don’t know how to buckle down when I need to financially.   I made some edits to some home services to reduce the monthly bill, and I pay a decent mortgage on my home for what I won (meaning way better than rent would  be for 3 or 4 bedrooms).  I have some savings I can use to pay it down, but holding onto that as cash in case I’m out of work beyond March.

I did have to do a little clothes shopping.  All my XXL clothes, including my underwear and bras, were literally falling right off me!  Trying on clothes was actually fun and not frustrating for the first time in my life.  I totally lost my ass, its like a pancake now, but I know if I get my booty moving I can get it back!  My cousin and I had an afternoon of shopping and gossiping and I enjoyed the girl time.  I was thrilled to buy some jeans, T-shirts, bras and panties.  A small fortune but well worth how much better I look and feel with a few pieces of properly sized clothing.  I have a good network for handing down clothes too, which I love because I generally invest in decent clothing and it can last.  So my friends who receive get a wardrobe they would never buy for themselves and they feel good too.    I seriously never realized how loose things could get – my winter coats are like two ton garbage bags on me….so they will go on resale sights due to their cost.  I think I can recoup enough to be able to buy new ones next year.  Getting fitted for a bra was great but, boy, big bras are expensive!  And if you want to look even slightly pretty at my cup size prepare to pay double!

I haven’t done enough in the way of helping myself with work.  I have done some, but no real press for networking.  I am going to have no choice but to force myself forward this week.  I hate that I still don’t feel “ready” to get back to work, but there is no choice.  I have great friends for support who all have great ideas how to eventually move out of my are of expertise and start something new, but I find those conversations daunting when I don’t yet have a steady stream of income.  I was never an entrepreneur and admire those (like you, Maggie!) who can get out there and work for themselves.  I’m terrified.  And probably a bit lazy….corporate world has it perks in its consistency.

I do love spending some quality time with my friends, cousins and sister – which was hard to do when I was working.  I like seeing the kids all day, even when they aggravate me.  I have adjusted to having nothing to do and honestly don’t even know where the time goes during a day.

Boring post, I know, but pretty much where I am at the moment.

When You See Your Reflection

My son is home from college and is deeply depressed. I knew there was only one thing I could say to him “No matter what you chose, I will support you.”

I knew he needed to hear that from me in order to release his tension and anxiety. He doesn’t want to go back to the college he chose.

I understand, he made a dumb decision. There was a lot of bad reasons he made that dumb decision and I wasn’t happy about it but he’s 19 and has to start making some of his own decisions. For better or for worse. At least this dumb decision created the opportunity for me to say to him “will you please listen to my advice this time and consider it more seriously?” He realizes now I know him better than he gave me credit for. He also realized his father is useless when it comes to serious decision-making.

What he hasn’t realized is that he is accountable for his actions.  Sometimes, he just gives up before he starts.  Re-enrolling him in college has been painful, and I mean like stepping on a Lego painful.  Some of his statements have been “I’ve done it already” “I knew this would happen to me” “Whats the point?”   Ok, registering late sucks because everything is accelerated, but it’s not the end of the world and I’m helping you every step of the way – but I cannot DO it for you.  I’ve been to college, this is your responsibility.

I don’t even have the energy to blog about all the things he’s said and the conclusions he’s come to. I would prefer he go back (to his original college) and make a try of it. In my opinion, he’s giving up and it smacks of lazy. I hate lazy. But, in my current state of apathy, it’s really hard to engage him when I understand so well what he feels. I just didn’t feel it at 19.

This week we had to move fast to exit him from one school and get him into another, temporarily. My belief, ultimately, is he’s young enough to start all over again and I’m not opposed to that. What I do fear is his ability to get under my skin and cause massive disruption in this house and family. I notice his twin is angry (at me) because his brother is home and being disruptive. The eldest is one entitled kid and while he knows I’m helping him and he understands, he doesn’t change.

He admitted to me some of his characteristics which bother him and it’s hard to keep my mouth shut when he’s such a reflection of both my x and myself.  He lies like crazy which is probably one of my biggest pet peeves with his Dad. I hate lying. My parents and brother were masters at it, then my x husband and now my twins. It’s a craft that makes me want to kill someone. I don’t even understand the need to lie – I can see some reasons – like they don’t want their “appearance” to be affected. They want to maintain a certain face to the world. Lying catches up to you. The truth almost always finds a way to the surface. Just writing about lying makes me angry.

I brought the boys to therapy last week so they each had an opportunity to discuss with my therapist. I was due for a follow-up Monday but had a stomach bug and couldn’t go. I don’t know what they said. They wouldn’t discuss it any more with me but said it’s mostly stuff I already know. As much as I believe I need to try to listen to my children to be able to help them, there’s a large part of me that just wants them to act like small adults and grow a pair of respect balls. I was probably no different as a teen – maybe meaner, even. But I held up my end of the parent/child relationship: good grades, a full-time job, responsibility for myself (doctors, laundry, car, school etc) and activity in general. My boys barely do a damn thing for themselves other than school – and I’m not that impressed with their grades. Sleep, eat and video games. That’s it. Is it too much as a parent to ask for more? Good grades and get a job are top of mind for my 19 year olds.

I see so much of myself in my eldest twin. I suffered in my first year of college and made irrevocable poor decisions. I want him to avoid the same fate. But he needs to listen and be open to accepting that he screwed up and can actually take a step backwards in order to leap forwards. I wish I understood that. I wish I knew there was time and opportunity if I was just patient and smart about my choices, but I didn’t have that kind of guidance. I did have support – my father didn’t understand how to support, but my mom did.  My eldest has both support and guidance.  Honestly, at 19, he’s got it great and still takes advantage of me.

I’m also angry as his father doesn’t seem to be invested. Maybe they have their own conversations but it infuriates me that his father has zero communication with me regarding our children. We didn’t parent together in marriage so I see nothing has changed with him but I don’t understand how a parent can be so far removed from their children. The boys barely see him and he doesn’t seem to care. He believes if they want him they will find him. There’s a large part of me that’s so angry with him that I hope they end up not giving a shit about him the same way he’s treating them. It’s amazing to me how little involvement he needs and they still love him. I hate parenting on my own (here’s where I say I miss Tony). I hate having to figure out these life choices alone. I hate not knowing what he is saying to them. Kids need parental consistency and I feel angry that we don’t give it to him because he refuses to have a co-parenting relationship.

My friend says I have to just ignore him entirely. What he says and does doesn’t matter and I have to focus on what I can do alone.

This just makes me feel more pressure because I don’t want to do it and certainly not alone. The only comfort I have is knowing this would be much worse if I was still married to him. I try and calm my anger by reminding myself that I’m glad he’s gone. Some days I can’t even believe it’s 4.5 years we’ve been apart – I’m so thankful to not be married to that man. I suppose I need to remember how grateful I am that I got out of it. Ever since the surgery I’ve been more angry at him than ever. He allows all the weight of parenting to fall in my shoulders and doesn’t share any burden. It is making me crazy because I am so weak at the moment.

I don’t know anymore if I am capable of holding the weight of my world on my shoulders anymore.  I’m not working (or doing anything else) and I can just about manage these kids.

Dodging a Dating Bullet

A friend of mine, who is also single, told me a few weeks ago, the dating websites were currently hosting a plethora of men….so I turned the apps back on and gave it a shot.

Rob (my 6’4″ date) ghosted me. I saw him in the city mid December, I text him a short note on his wife’s 1 year anniversary, and that was the last I heard from him. It’s too bad but it’s ok. I thought I would hear a holiday greeting, but no. He’s not ready and he’s not for me in any case.  Deleted.

There were, and this is no lie, at least 10 eligible matches that I was able to start speaking to. One by one they each fell to the wayside, but it was definitely more available men than usual! And I have my preferences set to 6′ and above and I still had a ton of matches. Was everyone looking for a NYE date?

It came down to 3-4 men I moved to text with.

Dan, who is so intermittent with his text that I gave up. We may never get started. He wants to schedule a phone call but is inconsistent.

Jack, who started of great but now that we are talking a bit more, I’m beginning to think he’s not for me.  Everything is really good in our chats, he’s clearly interested, but I’m not laughing unless I’m cracking the jokes. I will go on a date with him.

Brian, super promising Texan transplant. His accent reminded me of Bobby and we hit it off quickly. But he turned on a dime ….story ahead.

Brian and I matched on Bumble and he met all my initial criteria – a definite sense of humor, handsome, intelligent and nearby. Our first phone call last close to 2 hours and it was so easy I don’t even recall what we spoke about. But the day of the date things started to get weird.

After speaking to someone for close to 2 hours on the phone, I do expect a good morning text, or at least an early text confirming our date for later in the day. I got neither from Brian. At 4pm – when we had loosely planned to meet between 4-6pm, I got the first text that said he was in meetings til 5 ish. Ok, hall pass on that one – at least he was acknowledging me and I could now jump in shower. By the way, no apology for not texting sooner, just the text that read “in meetings”.

The next text came about 5pm “still stuck” and then once at 645pm “almost done, how are you?” Finally at 715pm or so (I had showered but didn’t dress or put on makeup) I received a text asking me to come to him. Now, all my girlfriends have a rule – first date they come to you, period. So I knew I was breaking dating code if I went to see him. But, I was mostly ready and I did want to meet him. Drinking didn’t matter much, so I agreed.

It only occurred to me upon my arrival the place he selected was the place I met Tony (Bennett). I had a momentary reflection and moved on. It had no impact and I was glad of it. That had all the makings of ruining my night.

We hit it off in person quickly, laughing and conversing quite easily. He was better looking in person and had a gentle mannerism. He wanted to touch my hands and leg and I found him very appealing. The time slipped by. He asked if I would like to go to a different place for another drink and I agreed. We kissed a little on the short walk over and he held my hand. He also said he wanted to absolutely see me again. Everything was going well.

On reflection, this is why I should stop first dates from going to long. When I connect with someone, it’s pretty obvious and fast – but it over accelerates the attraction and moves us forward too fast. Had I ended the date then, I’m sure I would have seen Brian again. But it didn’t even cross my mind.

We went to the second bar and he asked some sexual questions. Not too probing but I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in talking about it much on our first date. That’s when he started to ask me to come back home with him, even if it meant just to sleep. If I had been drinking more I would have said yes. I didn’t. I said a clear no and that I wanted to go home. He was also exhausted and a little drunk.

As we walked out of the bar, he headed in the opposite direction of my car and I pulled him back indicating my car was the other way. He pulled me forward and motioned across the street indicating his home was around the block. We stood still.

I think I was evaluating if I would go or not. Either way, in my head, I needed to get to my car first. He saw my confusion as refusal to listen to him and began to get angry, telling me I didn’t need my car. But I was processing that even if I went with him I wanted my car. Before I could get through my own head, I felt him drop my hand in frustration and watched his face change. At that point I made the comment “did you want me to come back with you or not?” And his reply was “now I’m thinking I don’t” and with that, I turned around and walked towards my car. I never looked over my shoulder.

His face had gotten ugly angry and in the briefest second I got uncomfortable. By the time I got to my car a couple blocks away I had started to cry. So many reasons for the tears surfaced: I was scared and anxious, sad, confused and lonely.

I think I did the right thing, there was a meanness to him at the end that I couldn’t identify until that last moment. The type of mean that could have ended up hurting me (not intentionally) because he wanted what he wanted and wasn’t listening to me. Maybe my cues are off, maybe I’m misleading. But he was no gentleman ultimately.

Good chemistry matches are hard to come by, so I was sorry it happened this way but I do think I dodged bigger damage ahead with Brian.

Thank you, next.

P.S. Do you know the way my addled brain works, I am actually sorry it turned out that way because he had so much promise.  Argh.