Girl Code – Addendum

Just a quick little addendum here….

My friend just asked me if I had heard anything more from her guy.

I was a bit surprised, and then realized I felt relief. I replied with the honest truth: he was blocked and deleted and I didn’t assume he had any way to contact me.

I had also removed and blocked him from my dating profile.

She simply sighed “ooh” and said “he wouldn’t know if you blocked him or not.” I felt like she was fishing or at least a bit hopeful that she would hear more. I think she thought he may tell her directly, but he didn’t (or at least I didn’t ask).

It was the right thing to do, side-step that drama.

Follow Through

Did I follow through on the most important goal I set for myself Tuesday?

Yes!

I wrote out 4 SMART stories before my call with the outplacement consultant. Her job is to help me finesse those stories into compelling statements that will say ” this is why you hire me and not someone else.” I actually asked a respected work friend if they agreed on those stories as my strongest in her memory – because I want to be sure this is how others view me as well.

I even sent out one resume and 2 emails for networking. It really isn’t a back-breaker but this morning made me realize it’s something I have to schedule in as a must do.

I was very distracted so it took me a period of 3.5 hours to do this task. The stories are not easy and required a bit of thinking, but I was avoiding them. The emails and networking was a no-brainer. I have firmly decided I am going to be sure to include a FOCUSED half hour each day to be done before 11am.

In my own crazy, cracked way – this upset my flow a little, my mind started thinking “how can we get out of exercise today?” Almost like “we’ve accomplished enough already!” Ummmm, no. That’s become a non-negotiable.

I acknowledge that my mind plays a game of trade-offs “If you do this Mads, then maybe you don’t have to do that other thing you don’t really want to do anyway.” It was fine to start that way when I was tired and broken. It’s not fine to stay there anymore. It’s March and I’ve got to get up off the floor. I’ve lost, I’ve hit rock bottom, I gave up and I gave in. I quit the game as close as possible. But, something (call it a greater power or my own willfulness) kept me around. I’m here. So I can continue to be a wasteful slug, or I can get going.

This is a psychological battle for me that I need to change. Because, seated somewhere deep within is my drive, my desire, to do more.

I can’t quite dig it out from under, my drive, but it’s like digging that never-ending hole in the sand st the beach ….. you know eventually you are going to hit water…. just a little further because you know in your gut it’s there – you can sense it.

As I’m sitting here having my second cup of coffee I realize I have the privilege of time at the moment – a luxury I’ve never had. I’ve already squandered a bunch of precious time in my healing and debilitating obsession and depression, but now that I am almost fully physically healed, I need to strengthen myself both emotionally, intellectually and physically. The only way I can continue to do this is by small changes each day or week.

I’ve committed to adding the half hour work focus at least 3 times a week (I don’t even need 5 days) and believe it’s totally doable to add in before I start my exercise routine.

In order to convince myself, I did find a trade-off I can make, temporarily. If I want a break, a time-out, a pity party or whatever we want to call it – I’m going to take it. But I can’t do it more than once a week. Consider it like looking towards a weekend food or drink binge after a hard weeks work. My brain and body still feel like I’m pushing them too far and too hard and they like to revolt every chance they get – so I’m gonna let them revolt, on a sort of schedule. I’m in the midst of analyzing my last 4 full weeks of effort (I am 26 straight days and refuse to do less than a 30 day streak) and come up with a plan of attack of how I can exercise, work, be lazy, and do life stuff (like any normally human does – but I’m not quite back to normal). I think getting a schedule together after this month is a good idea to begin thinking about how I spend my time and use that time more wisely.

I’ve agreed with myself that a pity party cannot include eliminating the gains I’ve made in exercise. I’ve studied up on active recovery days and that’s how I can use my “lazy day”. I get to shut off my mind and veg if I want, but I’ve got to get in a minimum amount of activity.

I got this.

March Goals (and those niggling carry-overs from Jan/Feb)

Honestly, I didn’t even get to all my January goals, but I got to most. I set a few new goals for February so I could catch up.

Now we are into March and there’s a bit of financial panic setting in, but strangely enough not to light a bonfire under my ass. I am still disconnected. And there’s a part of me saying this is still ok, I’m not fully ready to function in the real world.

Then there’s the part of me that’s saying “get your ass in gear and stop being lazy.”

Let’s see what I did accomplish in February : (J) means it was a January goal, (F) February and so on…

Work

(J) Review and edit my resume and social profiles: complete

(J) Make a list of contacts and actively begin a search: have not started

(J) Utilize outplacement website and webinars: have completed 3, did not not schedule the 2 I said I would.  I need to pay attention.

(J) Ensure all job search sites are set up properly for my searches: have not completed, needs fine tuning – remains the same

(F) Commit to Mindfulness and set a clear intent: I took a bulletproof confidence webinar AND I won a free 1:1 consulting session based on my participation.  This is something to look forward to! Not started.

(M) Create a Personal Value Proposition (PVP) for interview storytelling – something the outplacement advisor has given me to do for OVER a month.  I keep postponing our TB.  I am determined to knock this out on Tuesday March 5.  Period.

*Not a good track record, really.  WTF.

 

Personal

(J) Choose an exercise to stick with and develop a routine: I set up my screen sharing, turned on the Peloton service, bought a small weight set and set the room up for success. Now, just to actually exercise. Done! 22 days straight of healthy, sweaty fitness!

(J) Learn yoga or meditation: I need to keep reminding myself this is good for me. Done! Started a little of both and still in the practice stage but incorporate into my routine each week.

(J) Migrate addresses and birthdays to phone: started, not completed. No movement.

(F) Fine tune Keto eating by logging and watching macros – I was consuming too many calories. Done! Most of my carb cravings are done. There’s some emotional craving when I see bread, pizza and pasta but not a physical craving anymore.

*Big win here!  Hooray!  Go me!  I am making a new habit.

Finance

(F) Remember unemployment Monday’s. Missed one but otherwise on track.

(F) Follow up on Bond processing. Done! It’s in the treasury hands and complete, just waiting on processing.

(F) Sort out parents trust and accounts. Started with their largest accounts, about halfway there.

(M) Taxes: Did Dad, next is mine.

(M) Determine finances for potential 3 month unemployment ahead: yikes.

*Can I avoid this list altogether?

 

 

Home

(J) Deep clean: bathroom floors/grout: still haven’t given this a second thought. Nope.

(J) Put away Christmas decor: some things were still lingering but got this done yesterday. There are 2 things lingering.  I will get to this before the end of this week.  Period.

(J) Help son re-arrange bedroom: when he’s ready, otherwise, I am not pushing. Nope.

(J) Purchase rug for basement and mop floors: haven’t given this a second thought either. Mopped and bleached the floors! Now for a rug.

(F) Deep clean couch in living room. Done! This felt so good.

(F) Purchase new washer and dryer. Done! They come this week.

(F) Call the handyman for a few necessary repairs. Need to do and have hesitated due to money.

(M) Choose 2 cabinets, drawers or closets a week and clean and purge: have started this and it feels great!

*Ok, half done.  I am going to get to the grout because I realize its really good exercise and counts to my daily activity!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Wow! After assessing my list I actually accomplished so much more than I thought I did! I feel relief and a little bit of pride!

The true stress of the situation is the job search. I need to now incorporate 30 minutes every day for actively searching.  At least an active 30 minutes if not an hour.

I also need to think about a couple more significant  March goals that I should set  (taxes get me so stressed I didn’t think about much else).

Hit a Little Low

A little low, I realized, is much different than where I have been! So that’s good news, right?

I didn’t sleep well, was up and tossing every hour which is unusual as of late.

Wasn’t as motivated to work out as I have been the past 18 days.

Didn’t really want to move from couch.

Sort of depressed I haven’t focused energy on the work search. I’ve put my energy on exercise which I’ve been very consistent with now that I’m in week 3.

It was hard to determine work OR exercise. I didn’t feel like I could do them both yet. But I feel immense guilt that I have no money and no motivation to do something about it.

I am guessing the early phone call with my x about son #1 who is living with him for the past month really set me off. It literally disturbed my mojo and I lost focus. What’s most worrisome about that is – how the hell am I going to actually work if I can’t manage more than one crisis/challenge at a time. I’m not writing about the phone call because my heart rate will spike (it literally got higher than my cardio!). But, am sure to write about son #1’s current actions in another post. The recap is basically he is not coming home and may be dropping out of school.

That one (admittedly very important) thing really threw me down to the ground. I did exercise quickly after that but could not find my center to push myself. Maybe today just becomes an active rest day.

So I’m sitting here writing this post and mulling over when I’m gonna get my ass in gear for the job search. Whole-heartedly in gear. I’m half-assing it at the moment or not doing anything at all.

I don’t even want to get my steps in today. I don’t think it’s good to fall off a wagon 18 days in. I am going to console myself that I still exercised for 35 minutes and I will go on the treadmill for another 30. Again, not a hard effort, but something.

At least I’m doing better than my pre-February self.

How to Become a Morning Person?

How many of you are Morning people?

God knows, I’m not and never have been. I remember when my kids were small fighting through the cries to sleep a little longer, then ignoring the tugging at the side of the bed and making them crawl in with me. I created another generation of late sleepers and these boys of mine can sleep later than anyone I know!

My kids literally do not want to speak in the mornings. They want zero attention and need to be left alone. If they are awake at the same time, they will eat in different rooms with varying light patterns. One likes it dark and warm, the other likes the morning light from a soft couch and a bit cooler. When I say “Good Morning!” I get grunts of acknowledgement and I’ve learned not to push.

I hate waking up early. Anything before 8 am feels like death to me. And most years of my life I have had to be up somewhere between 530am – 630am. My favorite work years were when I could sleep til 730am and take an 830am commute. Yes, I was late every day but my industry gets a late start.

730am feels like a magic number for me, not too early and manageable. I’ve been taking my youngest to school every day just to get this habit going again. I’ve been tracking along my sleep cycles on Fitbit.

I’ve been reading a lot about habits and how the most effective people in this world have very specific patterns. One of them is the 5am wake up call. The thought of that literally makes me gag. But, no matter how many articles I read, one of the core foundations of successful people is early rising.

Ugh.

I’m just starting to work on healthy habits – any healthy habit that I feel I can build and STICK with.

So back to that morning thing…it’s been about just about 2 months that I’ve woken up with the kid and got him to school on time. I feel less internal argument with myself to rise now that I’ve convinced myself it’s a “mom at home” requirement. My older son appreciates that he doesn’t need to drive his brother to school anymore (he did it for 3 months while I was sick) and will do it as a favor for me when I can’t without any arguments. This habit has clicked over to automatic thinking. I read something that said adjust habits slowly, so now I set the alarm clock back 10 minutes. I don’t need the 10 minutes BUT my goal is to eventually train myself for a normal work routine again so I don’t find it overwhelming when the time comes (because EVERYTHING still feels overwhelming to me). So far, so good. The small adjustment hasn’t affected me and the same article mentioned I shouldn’t change my go-to-sleep time, only my wake-time.

I fear I may never be a morning person, but I do believe if I were just to grab an hour or two more in the morning, I could develop a better work/life balance once work kicks back into gear. I’m afraid that the good habits I’m developing now would disappear as I have the ability to basically craft my entire day around my exercise.

Let’s see how the small steps go!

Girl Code 3

I figured I should wrap up this story.

I admit I didn’t tell him as quickly as I should have – that I wasn’t going to interact with him. I admit there was that part of me that liked the attention and chase etc.

But at some point Saturday he sent another “can’t wait for kissing and cocktails” and I had to be clear.

I wrote back that I would be telling my friend the truth, I wasn’t comfortable and this didn’t feel right to me and was sorry I didn’t have the chance to meet him.

I didn’t text my friend until a day later. I knew there was going to be a little drama, and I wasn’t in the frame of mind to deal with it. I did tell my friend and we spoke about it. She was quite upset by how much he had shared with me about himself, and how it had taken her so long to know some of those things and they were in relationship.

I didn’t mention the BDSM stuff because that’s my private business. If I told her what he shared I would also be revealing that side of me. Very few of my off blog friends know any of the depth of my sexuality. I also think it’s the reason he communicated as much as he did, because he knows how a D/s relationship works and I feel he was working that avenue with me even though he said he wasn’t.

She was primarily upset he glossed over her and still asked me out knowing we were friends. Should I have lied more? I tried to give her as much as I know I would want. She’s similar to be albeit less crazy, but obsesses the same way I do.

She was also very bothered that I saw him for who he was in our first conversations (before I knew who he was). To me, he was clearly a narcissist. I barely got a word in over 2 hours of conversation. She was upset that she didn’t see it and spent the night studying up on narcissism.

I wrote to him to say I spoke to my friend and wouldn’t be contacting him again, good luck. I also told my friend I wrote that message. Some time in the middle of the night he text back saying he was curious how our conversion went and if things were ok between us. I sent the message to my friend and then blocked him.

She didn’t want me to block him, but I said I didn’t want to be in the middle of curating replies to him just to get a reaction. If he’s a true narcissist – which I certainly believe he is – he’s already bothered that I don’t see him in a good light and he would continue to pursue intermittently in hopes of interaction.

I’m good at shit like that but trying my hardest to stop creating more bad karma for myself.

He’s blocked. I’m done. Thank you, next.

Obsessing

My therapist suggested I write letters to whoever I need, then let go.

I have never really been able to get to a succinct enough letter for Tony or my x. I suppose that might mean I’m still to attached to all the reasons those relationships didn’t work out.

I’ve been waking up each morning subconsciously thinking about Tony. I don’t like it one bit because I can’t stop my mind from waking me like that. The pattern this past week seems to be the lies he’s told me and my struggle to determine what’s true or what I want to hold on to as the truth.

My brain is like a target missile when I obsess over something. Looking for the truth. Looking for the moment I missed the clues and connections I should have been making. I don’t even know how my subconscious keeps coming back to him. I am really and actively trying to NOT think about this man every minute. Seriously though, NONE of it matters anymore and I CANNOT seem to get it through my thick skull.

I tried meditation and it was about gratitude and love and sure enough, he was the first thing to pop into my mind that I’m grateful for.

I may just come to accept I am fucking nuts that I can’t move on almost a year after the final end and two years past the moment I knew he wasn’t leaving his marriage. I understand what gifts I received from that relationship and I understand I can take them forward. I don’t understand why I can’t just fucking let go already.

I know all the wonderful reasons I loved him and line for him. I know what I was given and what I lost but for Christ’s sake, it’s got to go. I’m never speaking to or seeing this man ever again in my life. He’s done, out, erased. Finite.

I just want to stop obsessing. I do not know how to control this and it makes me crazy how he consumes me. Even crazier that he moves on with his life and intact marriage/family. I want him exorcised or lobotomized from my brain. I want him gone already.

Morning Coffee

How many of you drink a morning coffee or 10?

I was addicted to Starbucks every morning, for how many years I don’t even know. The habit cost me a minimum of $10/day in the city. Add in the occasional raspberry scone and it was at least $15. When you’re making good money, you don’t pay much attention to the massive financial drain that actually is. Never mind lunch in my city and then drinks out a couple nights a week.

This little capsule is about my morning coffee routine, so back to that.

I have a very specific Starbucks call for my drink, one of those long ones you don’t want to be behind. Luckily I now have the app and wherever I go it’s waiting for me upon arrival. But when a friend buys my coffee they roll their eyes. I was able to buy the Starbucks flavoring and recreate the coffee at home. So, for years now, I have been drinking two Venti Lattes every morning. Bad days required 3.

I started to pay attention to how many calories I was consuming last summer and found my 2 lattes pretty much equate to a breakfast. That was fine, I am not a morning person and I’m not hungry after coffee (or more aptly put: milk with a splash of espresso). But seriously, I was consuming way too many carbs in one sitting. Look at this:

Now that I’m watching my macros I realize how insane that is when I am not burning off anything.

Although I’m making a point about nutrition, it wasn’t actually my intention for this post.

What I REALLY wanted to get at was flavor. And how we become addicted to sugar etc within our coffee. Switching up a favorite coffee is akin to removing a leg.

In some ways, the fact that I couldn’t drink any coffee or milk for over 3 months post surgery helped me break a habit. I didn’t want to kick my coffee habit itself, I really enjoy a morning coffee, but I wanted to change to a healthier way of drinking all that milk. In Keto diets when you can only have 20-30 grams of carbs a day, my coffee is an absolute no-go at 48 grams of carbs.

Everyone I speak to about their coffee says the same thing “There is no way I can change…(insert whatever they believe they have to have) because that’s everything to me.” I thought the same thing. Then I decided I was going to try.

I switched skim milk out for almond milk. I mixed in various sweeteners. I googled like crazy to try different things. And I finally landed on a mix that felt satisfying in taste as well as on my tongue.

That was about a month ago.

Since then, the first sip has never had the same impact of sheer coffee bliss. I’ve adjusted to the taste and lightness of the coffee, but it’s not the same.

Until today!

Today I took a sip and the coffee was perfect! I now LIKED the taste. I adjust to the different feeling of he milk (it’s thinner, less creamy). I had the moment of pure coffee happiness when I took the first sip and sat down and really enjoyed my coffee. I had the feeling I was looking forward to drinking MY coffee instead of feeling like I was drinking a subpar impostor that would never bring true coffee bliss.

There is no exact Starbucks replica of my home coffee, but that’s ok as I can get close enough by simply replacing milk with almond milk and upping the sugar free vanilla. Because Starbucks steams it comes out a bit frothier anyway. At home I can use Almond Milk Creamer (omg I’m in love with this stuff).

I get 130 calories, 4/5 net carbs! And I can drink two medium sized drinks which make me happy.

I didn’t think I could write a whole post about coffee, but there you have it. If I can change my coffee habit, maybe I can change the world?! 🤣🙄

Health ?

I’ve been very lucky or very blessed. I’m still unsure which but I tend to lean towards a higher power continues to step in to save me.

I wouldn’t say I have been a healthy person for the latter half of my life.

I’ve almost met my maker at least 3 times in 50 years. There’s got to be a reason for that?

Maybe?

I’ve had the worst health run of most people I know because I’m always in that 1% that weird things happen to. But I survived. I chose the VSG surgery so I could take better care of myself, so with the other complications in the rear view, it’s time I take control.

Keto isn’t easy but it’s doable. Retraining your brain to eliminate obvious carbs is tough. Sometimes I just want a damn Triscuit.

I usually cave to my favorite Grandma pizza on Friday nights and a sesame bagel on Sunday.

I bought a Ketosis tracking machine. A small device where you prick your finger and it takes a reading. I am starting to learn that I can actually have my favorite cheats as long as I continue with exercise and taking my MCT oil. It’s not ideal, and it’s not a true Keto plan but like any other way of eating I’ve tried, I need to build in things that don’t make me feel deprived. I feel full, I’m eating better (hugely reduces sugar) and I have a built in portion control mechanism now.

My belly and guts make noises like I’ve never heard before. People say this is common after VSG. I also hiccup with one bite too many or too fast. It’s a great automatic lever because I still don’t “feel” full but have this amazing auto-reaction that says “stop now or it’s going to hurt.” I notice I still have to focus on eating more slowly. Having smaller portions helps as I don’t want to finish hours before everyone else, but my brain is trained to eat quickly and I have to reprogram it.

I use smaller plates and can easily tell how much food in a serving is too much for me. If I eat the right things, my hunger is curbed appropriately. I probably still don’t drink enough water so that’s something I have to work on. I tend to wake up throughout the night to drink which definitely signals I need more water throughout the day.

When I’m on a date, they don’t usually notice how little I eat or drink. I’m such a cheap date now! My friends notice though. They notice I barely eat and that I don’t drink even half of what I used to – they liked me when I enjoyed more! I tell them I enjoy eating and drinking as much as I always did, I just do less of it and it’s fine!

I chose the surgery because portion control was always my biggest issue. Now it’s controlled whether I like it or not! It’s interesting how the mind works – knowing I “can” eat anything I want makes it much easier not to eat it. I can’t over eat anymore. But if I am dying for a peanut butter cup, I can have one and not feel the guilt.

My heaviest weight back in 2012 was around 256 pounds. My weight prior to surgery was 214 pounds and today was 154 pounds. I can’t believe I’ve lost 100 pounds from my frame overall. I made a photo compilation of the 3 faces of Madeline over the past 7 years and I look healthier and younger.

As for how the weight falls off me, I notice a pretty consistent 3 week stall, then 4th week drop. My initial goal was 150 pounds but I am pretty sure I am going to drop it to 140-145 pounds. The surgeon feels, since I am now a normal BMI, I won’t lose anymore.

I did have to have my wound cauterized again which was super painful this time as he had to open up the edges and make fresh skin that would heal again. It’s a bloody mess and hurts now, but bloody means healthy.

I don’t know if I can ever be happy I made the decision to have the surgery, or have it in Mexico. But, in typical Mads fashion, I am beginning to forget about the horror I endured and starting to focus on the tool I now have in my body. I need to put this weight loss to good use.

I don’t know if I’m in peri-menopause or if my body is still in shock (totally possible according to the doctors) but I just had another 75 day stretch with no period. I don’t miss not getting a period but I prefer to keep the hormones around! I still have to get back to the doctor to discuss what we are going to do about the polyps.

I’ve been steadily ensuring I am working out every day, no matter what. A 30-45 minute commitment is more daunting before I do it so I just have to stop thinking about it and force myself into automation. It honestly feels good to be a little sore and I’m sure, soon enough, I will start sleeping better as well. I have totally lost my ass from the weight loss and feel excess skin hanging everywhere. I don’t like it so I need to change that. I don’t think I have “so much” excess skin that a steady exercise routine won’t fix.

Sorry my posts are so mundane but I think boring might be good for me for a while as I begin to take my life back into control.

Blogging has always helped me maintain focus when I commit to it.

Small forward steps are happening. I am still obsessing over Tony, but I’m taking control of myself again.

Girl Code 2

As it turns out, I knew a LOT about this man and my friend. They had dated on and off for years. She wanted him to be the one. She’s still not over him. Believe me, when you know a friend for a long time and the primary conversations you share are about dating, it takes a bit of time to start adding up just how much I knew.

I remember how she fell for him. I remember all the great sex and laughter. I remember how she could never understand why he didn’t commit. I remember when she was surprised to find out he had been dating other women (clear denial there on her part). And I remember when he finally said he wanted to give it a try and he exclusive and she took that a step further and started talking about blending families. When a non-committal man finally moves into the first stage of commitment, that’s a big step. But she wanted it ALL from him. He wasn’t ready or invested in taking their relationship that far.

I surmised along the way she was pushing him, like I said I know her M.O. He really is a prize in all seriousness. I can see why he liked this friend as well as why he didn’t commit to this woman.

The bottom line is he owed her nothing, but did I?

I had to think about the girl code. It’s not right to date someone’s ex unless that someone gives you license to do so. If one of my friends dated Tony I would be out of my mind with jealousy – particularly when I’m not over him.

All these thoughts went through my mind once I identified who he definitely was…and I had to pause. Do I rush off phone, do I chat some more, what even seems right at this moment? The brain works super fast and it takes longer to write these thoughts than think them.

We ended up speaking a bit more and I had to excuse myself.

As I stood up, fast, I walloped my head on a low hanging corner of our basement ceiling and I saw stars and tweetie birds and fell right the hell back down on my ass. Holy mother of God that hurt. I actually winced from pain when I touched it. I think I concussed myself as I was not hungry and nauseous the rest of the evening.

I took it as a clear sign – danger Will Robinson! Do NOT proceed.

I didn’t think of him again that evening. I passed out in pain by 9pm. Luckily, no real damage and I had a good nights sleep and woke with a nice fat raspberry on my head. Doh!

He had text last night and again early this morning. He wanted to meet me. We flirted a bit more.

I had an appt today and we had snow so I was relatively haphazard with my replies and not especially engaged. He sent photos of all his BDSM toys. He told me my friend never knew that side of him and we had covered more ground in our first conversations that they had in years. We made an agreement at that point never to discuss this with the friend. Ever.

First lie.

It was starting to feel all wrong. Not just because of my friend (mostly, though) but because he wasn’t right for me. This friend is not a top 10 friend, which is why I pause at all. We have a commonality and have known each other through our x husbands (the x husbands are best friends, so I’ve known her 24 years or so). I didn’t like her until we were both post divorce and found our own friendship in the last 2 years or so. She’s a good going out friend.

In other words, do I like her enough to care what she thinks of this guy turned out to be “the” guy for me?

There’s no way of knowing so soon. He definitely has me on a hook. I’m interested.

And when I thought about how I would feel if the tables are turned, I realized I probably couldn’t do it. I’ve done enough crap to generate bad karma lately and I don’t need to make more bad karma come my way.

I can’t decide if I tell him on the phone or in text, but I didn’t get to it yet. Either way, no matter how interesting and exciting I find him, he needs to be out in the rear view.

I better get to it before I give in to meeting him. Every step forward is a step in the wrong direction. The problem here is that the people I’ve told know I don’t truly “care” about this friend. She’s a fun social friend. So everyone is on the fence to say “why not?”

Hopefully today brings me the right energy to just text and say thanks but no thanks. I don’t know this man and it doesn’t matter. I’m making a whole story in my head over thing and it’s a skill I’ve refined that needs to stop.