Meeting MaggieMayat50

I love the experience of meeting my favorite bloggers for the first time!

I have been very lucky to find wonderful, supportive, caring and brilliant people through this blogging community and, sure enough, Maggie is no different.

We met while I was on vacation with my children, she kindly drove to meet me for some drinks.  Upon meeting her, she was exactly as I pictured her….isn’t that strange how we can get an image in our head?

I imagined her to be attractive, slim and have a lovely smile.  She was all of those things plus a brilliant mind.

I suppose everyone would think that we spoke about blog-land the whole afternoon but we didn’t, not at all.  It was like two old friends catching up.  And she is so funny…if she doesn’t tell you the Hunter drug test story I’m going to because I was fascinated!

Poor Hunter was worried that I might kidnap the darling Maggie with my wild, provocative and Prosecco-drinking ways!  I did, in fact, drink quite a lot of little bottles of Prosecco (those little bottles get me all the time – they are so darn cute!)

I got to see photos of Taz and the wedding and let me tell you – Taz is gorgeous!  Maggie looked pretty damn fabulous too!

Upon parting, it occurred to me how badly I need local women like Maggie in my circle.  My friends have always tended to be younger and more junior to me in one way or another.  That doesn’t make them any less amazing friends, but I acknowledge that the women I have met through the blog tend to be more mature – even if that doesn’t mean in age.  They have all worked good careers, raised families, traveled and have just tend to be more wise than the friends I have in real life.

I sort of wonder why that is?  Have I surrounded myself with the women I have at home through some unconscious reason?  Or is this just the type of person I attract?

How does one go about making friends in their middle-age?  I work and obviously have friends through work (some of my closest girlfriends have been made at work actually).  The friends I have at home, mommy friends, are all married and tend to want to live a more sedate life than I do.  Sometimes I feel so split in multiple personalities and wonder how to integrate (my multiple personalities) into friendships.  My kids are too old for playdates anymore, and frankly, none of the moms are all that fascinating to me…I have passed the point of local gossip and they still do that even in the high school years.  Although many of the moms are super supportive and just lovely all around people in times of need, I can only count one or two that I can rely on for advice.

I like the idea of having more people in my life who are wiser that I am.  I do not admit to being very wise and mature, ever…though once in a while hope shines through.  This is why I love blogland so much…I have met some seriously wise men and women whom I can now count on as my real-life support system.  Unfortunately, none live in my backyard but with all our technology, no one is further than a text away.

My mom had some serious advice for me when I was about to get married.  I asked her why my bridesmaids just couldn’t get along and play nice with one another in the sandbox.  They kept arguing about what they each thought was best for me and none of them really agreed.  Actually, they were arguing about their individual preferences (remember, they were all around 21-23 years old, babes in the woods) and what they thought I might like was probably quite secondary to their selfish, youthful thoughts.  My mom turned to me and said there is a friend for all seasons and I need to learn to recognize the value that each friend brings into my life.  There were friends I could read with, ride bikes with and party with…but each of those friends may not like to do the other activity, so I should just simply try to read with the reader, ride bikes with the biker and party with the partier and leave it at that.

Best advice I ever had.

For keeping the peace and maintaining my friendships, it is.

In hindsight, it created a very diverse set of friends who don’t know each other or hang out together.  Or, in my case, who may not even live on this side of the world.  Friendships like this are hard to maintain and cultivate because of the distance, but I remain friends with many people who do not live in my daily space because I feel I have a deep connection to them.  I just wish I could find some people who lived in my space that I could share more time with…now that I have so much free time on my hands.

Or, I suppose I could start traveling ever weekend….now, there’s a thought!


Couch to 5k – Week 1

Week 1

Day 1 – The weather is beautiful, almost 7o degrees and the sun is shining brightly.  It’s easy to want to be outside.

I haven’t exercised much in months but I know I can walk 4 miles easily. I’m not sure how much more sincere cardio I can take but now is the time to find out.

I download a couch to 5k app with the intention of being able to run a corporate challenge 5k in mid June. I walked it last year but I’m determined to run it this year.

Jogging has been a lifelong struggle for me for two main reasons:

1. My breasts are too god-damned big for a properly fitted sports bra.

2. I could never quite get the breathing down.

Recently, since women in America keep getting fatter and bigger breasted, I was able to finally find a serious sports bra designed just for my purpose. It’s the Mercedes of sports bras to hold my massive 36 G (yes, you read that right – and all natural, too) cups.

This bad boy of bras holds everything in place. It comes up high under the arm, has a nice wide back band suitable to be seen under clothing and padded straps. It also has shaped cups and an under wire.  It doesn’t compress my boobs into a flat pancake but it sure as hell holds those puppies in place.

You might be laughing at me but any time I have attempted running in the past, Ill-fitting bras have been the number one deterrent. It’s sincerely painful to run when your breasts muscles are pulling a load up and down.  It’s completely and entirely uncomfortable!  Plus, I’m pretty likely to give myself a black eye. Therefore, this bra is a godsend for working out with any high impact exercise.

The program starts with a brisk walk for 5 minutes and then goes into intervals of 1 minute walks and 1 minute runs over 15 minutes.  Then a cool down walk for 5 minutes.  That’s 6 runs in there.

As I breezed through the first minute of jogging I thought to myself “ok, this isn’t so bad” and continued along my merry way.

By the time I got to about the 4th jog I could feel a slight tensing of the muscles in my upper thighs and I started to have trouble catching my breath.  I wanted that 4th minute to end faster than it did.

When the 5th jog came up I could feel more of a little sear now, muscles burning where they hadn’t in months and I could feel my cheeks going bright red as I gasped for breath. I momentarily thought about throwing in the towel about 30 seconds in and then I recall that Meredith from Extreme Weight Loss was much heavier than me when she started running and ultimately completed a marathon.  I could do it. It was only day 1 for goodness sakes.

By the time the 6th and final minute of running came I was cursing the fact that I had committed myself to this trial and wondering what could have possessed to me to think I could do it. I could barely breathe 45 seconds in and admittedly have up just before the coach called “walk”.  Loser.

Day 2 – The next day my legs were on fire. Holy crap!  I haven’t felt those muscles since who-knows-when.  Clearly I wasn’t going to be running again on day two. I could barely walk and get up the damn steps in my home.

I downloaded two 10 minute routines for strength training for abs and arms. These are also 30 day apps that I can increase performance with each day.  They are meant to be used in addition to cardio but there was no way I was doing cardio on day 2, so the two routines sufficed for the day.

Day 3 – I don’t know what hurts more, my still sore thigh muscles or my cramps from my period. Ever since the cysts my period cramps are nasty.  And the blood, so much blood.

I lie on the couch thinking of all the reasons I’m not getting up.

Then I convince myself it’s only day 3 and I can’t be that pathetic.

I hop on the treadmill because winter has decided to make a comeback in the form of freezing cold gusts.  Not that I’m skinny enough to be knocked over but I don’t need any excuses.  The 5k program is 25 minutes. You got this.

I downloaded a new 5k that seemed more “starting from the couch” friendly.  This one had 1 minute runs alternating with 1.5 minute walks.  Although my thighs are still sore, I had a much easier time of breathing. There was enough time in the 1.5 minute walk for me to regain normal breathing all the way through the 6th run.  Ok, today was better.

I did the two 30 day ab/arm workouts.

Wtf, I can’t do a sit up to save my fucking life. Not one. I put my feet under the couch. Geez.

Nor can I do a leg lift without my hands under my butt.

It’s only day 3.

I need a glass of wine. And I’m hungry.

Day 4

I couldn’t sleep at all last night, the heartbreak demons tortured my thoughts  til at least 1 am and there was no way at the 5am alarm I was getting out of bed.  I slept in another hour and promised myself that I would be doing my work-out after work.

But, I didn’t.  I had a terrible day and needed to sleep….but once again, I was up all night with him on my mind.  I hate these gut feelings because in the past they used to mean something bad was about to happen.  Now, I don’t know why I have them. (post to follow)

Day 5

I woke up late and lie in bed.  I felt better than the day before, but guilty for not working out.  I hope to do better by evening.

I can feel my body releasing all the crappy weight I packed on the last months.  The 10 pounds I put on should come off quickly enough.  My eating has been very good, but my caffeine intake not so good.  I am still at 2 large Venti Latte’s per day…I need to cut that down to 1.

I did, in fact, make it home and worked out as planned. Today was 8 one minute runs. I honestly thought I was going to pass out in the 7/8th run.  I can’t catch my breath. But I did it.

Then I had to do 25 sit up while my youngest son watched on in horror. “Mommy why are you groaning like that?  Mommy stop doing it if it hurts, your face is red!”  It was uuuuuugly.  I cheated on the sit ups – legs hooked under the bed and arms over my head to help pull me up.  Crap this is hard.

Day 6

I didn’t even bother with the 5am alarm. I’m tired. More tired than usual.  Screw it.

I did get the run in tonight but bagged on the strength exercises.  Looks like my 30 day challenge is going to be more like 45 at this rate.

Day 7

I went to bed with pretty bad cramps through my left leg high at the thigh and into the groin.  I knew I was moving a blood clot. This determined that I needed to pass on working out in the morning.  Called doctor and received the news I expected: just take it easy and be gentle on your body.

This means I won’t be working out today or tomorrow so my jump start was more like a soft start.  But hey, it was A start!  Any start is still a good start!

The good news is my slow slide into Isagenix was ok.  I didn’t do the full plan but definitely got the pattern down. I still have to work up to the fast next week.  I may try one fast day and see how it goes.

My weight was down from my my initial weigh-in by 5 lbs.  I still have another 5 pounds of wasted weight I put on from being neglectful.  Then I can start losing real weight again.  What a waste of effort.  I keep doing this stupid yo-yo with the same 10 pounds.

Overall, I didn’t have the strong start I keep dreaming of. I still hate exercising every single time I do it.

But, I’m committed. Let’s start week 2.

28 Day Challenge

I’m almost a little afraid to write this post because the last time I promised myself to commit to a 21 day challenge, something crappy happened to me and threw me off balance, so I never got around to actually starting the challenge.

Then work exploded and I couldn’t even find the time to breathe, let alone work out.

I’ve let excuses take up enough real estate. It’s time to stop moaning and buckle down.

The only person who loses out on my lack of commitment is me.

I decided I would just wait until after vacation and start fresh, so the beginning of April is signifying a whole world of change for me. A new blog, new eating habits, rebooting my fitness routine, work challenges (post to come) and a new emotional patterns (posts to come) are all kicking into high gear this month.

I’m ready for a change. Spring is in the air here and being uncomfortable in a bathing suit and summer clothes on vacation really helped me to regain the focus I only had tenuous hold on in February and March.

The good news is that by the time you read this, I will be almost one week into my new routine, so it’s no longer just smoke and mirrors.

What have I committed myself to?


Isagenix. There is no alternative for me. I know this program works for me and it’s hard core. But it’s 30 days and I can do anything for 30 days that I set my mind to.

What does it consist of? Basically shakes for 2 meals and then 1 healthy balanced meal each evening. 5 days on and then 2 days fasting. I enjoyed the fasting so much when I did it the first time. It’s not for everyone but it does give great results. I’m going to reduce my alcohol and coffee intake as well. You’re really supposed to eliminate them entirely but I don’t want to ruin my life. 😂😂😂

I found that one month of Isagenix really reminds me how good my body feels when it’s healthy.

The fact is, I lost a bunch of weight due to illness and I managed to put it all back on plus some.  I have a clear weight goal in mind – but the fact that I am starting at a number I haven’t seen in a year is actually motivating because it’s nothing more than stupidity and laziness that put me here.

My first week I eased into the Isagenix routine because I was at home more than not.  It’s very easy to conform to Isagenix when I’m working because the routine requires little to no thought.

My weigh in day will be Wednesdays so this is the first day to get weighed and Isagenix starts today full throttle.  I still have to set my fast days as they cannot be exercise days and preferably not my free nights…so there is still some thought going into the days I will commit to fasting.

I also started taking vitamins.  This has been a  lifelong struggle for me as all vitamins make me nauseous.  My friend introduced me to gummies and I can tolerate these well enough to get in some fish oil and a mega vitamin.  My hair and nails could use the help.

I would like to start doing B12 injections, and will need to either do this myself or find a doctor who is willing to do them monthly.



Exercise is like getting on the strugglebus for me. Everyone claims that if you do something long enough it becomes a habit but I am living proof that’s a lie! I have worked out on and off with consistency for the past 2 years and it never becomes a habit. It never becomes something I want to spend time doing.

Yes, I feel great after I exercise. I sleep better, I feel better and my skin glows. Nothing really motivates me in the end to get my ass in gear. I just don’t like it. Period. Stop trying to convince me. I know I look better with exercise. Doesn’t change how I feel about it.

Further, the most stable routine requires me getting up at 4:45 am at least 3 days a week. Urgh. That’s the only way I can guarantee time to work out without my job or any attempt at a social life getting in the way.

Ok, enough complaining. I have committed to 3 days of morning walking/running and 2 days of strength routines. If all goes well with the breathing, I’m going to step it up by adding a class back into my routine.

And, if all goes well, my goal is to run a 5k in June with my workmates.  I started the couch to 5k (and I hate it, just hate it) and hope that I can stick with it until I am running.  I even hate the word running.  I don’t want to run anywhere.  Who needs to be in such a hurry anyways?


Emotional Well Being:

I plan to go to the Opera twice this month with a girlfriend. This entails fancy dress, dinner out and then a fun festive evening after the opera while we are all dolled up. The music and the companionship are good for the soul and it’s something I haven’t done since college.

I’m also going to a Depeche Mode night at a city club which should be tons of fun.

And, of course, I have therapy sessions scheduled.  Continued therapy to explore family relationships, dating behaviors and ultimate acceptance of my heartbreak. Sorry to disappoint, but I am far from over him.

My biggest challenge this month will be work. There are massive layoffs expected again and this time around I’m quite worried. I’m trying to lie low, head down, do my job well and hope for the best.

Self-guided meditation: I’m going to give this a try and just downloaded an app.

Lunch with an old work contact to brush up on the resume and networking.  I am terrible at networking and I know I need to do this.

A dating break.  Yep.  You read that right.  Finally.  I haven’t actually been out on a date or focusing all my time on the dating apps for 3 weeks.  Imagine that.  Just for clarification, as I have mentioned before, a break to me means dating does not drive me…yes, I look at the apps and start some conversations, but it’s quite limited – limited enough not to have been on a date in 3 weeks.

So there it is – my official plan of action.  28 days, and 1 week down already.

I got this.





Something About His Eyes

Part 1 is here.

I met the guy last night for drinks. I had begun to suspect I may not be entirely physically attracted to him before I met him and I know that’s akin to the kiss of death for me. Once I get an idea in my head I sure have a hard time getting it out.

He was tall, 6’4″ and very slim, blondish with full lips and big eyes.  I didn’t like the shape of his eyes.  There was something there that was disingenuous.  I couldn’t put my finger on it but that was my first impression. I couldn’t shake that feeling during the evening.

He had arrived before me and secured a table. I was a bit flustered at first because he was grinning broadly and gave the impression of soaking me in.  Really looking at me intently.  This totally put me off.  It wasn’t even as if I felt like a piece of meat, it was more like he was savoring his prize and was pleased with himself for holding the trophy.  We sat in the corner booth and he ordered our drinks.

Conversation started generally, as they do upon first meeting someone. Light chatter about work.  I could tell he wasn’t interested. He wanted to talk about the sex clubs and my previous experiences. He tried a few times to explain how he was looking for more than a playmate partner, even went as far to say I would be the only partner he had, but it didn’t sound like anything I would remotely want to sign up for.  It was in his eyes, I couldn’t get past his eyes.

Chatter is easy for me now.  I hadn’t spoken about my experiences with anyone outside of the blog so I didn’t mind discussing and sharing – hearing his exploits as well.  He had started his interest in the sex clubs around the same time as I did last year. He felt, ultimately,  this was short lived and wanted to have fun with it for the next year or two before settling down. He is 43, never married, no kids.

The time passed well enough before I felt that I had shared enough and made the decision this wasn’t going any further. I stood to go to the bathroom when he asked the fatal question “do you want to split the check?”

Had I not already made the decision that we were not moving forward, this would have sealed the deal. Dating tip 101 guys: if you are trying to seal the deal with a girl, buy the drinks on the first date. Period. No excuses.

The bill was $35.  I threw a $20 on the table and gathered my coat.  As I waited for my car he tried, several times, to engage me in a kiss. I politely explained that we were not on the same page.  After another attempt or two I clearly said “no, I’m just not interested.”

He left.

An hour or so later I got a text from him saying how he wished I was on the same page and how much fun he thought we could have.  He made a joke about Vegas odds being on us having sex in the near future.  I told him if he was a betting man he would go broke.  Then I blocked and deleted him.

So what did I learn from this date?  Nothing I didn’t already know, but it did cement a few facts for me.

I was curious and I’m dying for exciting sex. There was a possibility he could offer that.  That’s what got me to the bar in the first place.  He was appealing physically and I think he could have grown on me, but he didn’t have the chemistry I desire.  And the thing with his eyes – it bothered me somehow.  In hindsight it even sort of gives me the shivers.  He wasn’t someone I was going to trust.

As we further discussed our sexual experiences I knew that I wasn’t going into a club without a partner that I trusted.  Someone who was there for the experience with me and not just for the ultimate swap to have sex with another person.  I never felt like that before and I wasn’t planning to start.  I know I need to be the star of the show for the sex club to work for me.  I was lucky to have a partner who handled me with kid gloves the first time around and I still want that. I want to be treated like a novice and coddled and protected.  The way this guy described his scenes wasn’t appealing to me.  He was having sex with another woman in the same room as his partner. They were not in it together.  They were not connected.   For me, those clubs, those experiences were all about the heightened connection to my partner.  The additional intimacy it brought to an already fantastic sexual relationship.  I realize I won’t be going to any clubs with someone who can’t provide this for me.  Both partners must be on the same page for what they want from those experiences.

Since the date I have started to question if I ever actually enter a club again.  Was it a phase prompted by the desire to please that particular partner combined with my intense curiosity?  Since I no longer have the same curiosity, I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it anymore.

So, that was that.  No harm, no foul as I always say.

As much as my body is desiring sex in the worst way, my head seems to have a “full stop” sign on it.  I’m just not ready.

Balancing Act

I’m bored.

And all I do is think about sex.

These two things are not a good combination for me.  They lead to poor decision making.

Oh, I take out my toys.  But that only works so much.  I’m dying for some great sex.  Boy, do I miss great sex.

I worry I can’t have great sex yet because my head/heart isn’t in it.  And the jury is out on if I can ever have casual sex for any extended period of time.

I matched with a man who started down the sex path, trying to convince me that it was ok to have a full sexual relationship before the emotional relationship was built.  While I actually know that is possible, I also know the likelihood of it working out that way is slim to none.    This guy seemed more impressed with the fact I was sticking to my guns and had convinced himself that I must be amazing if I wouldn’t consider what he had to offer.

I continued talking to him longer than I should have because my libido got the best of me.  He began to share photos and turns out he is hot, just my type of hot too.  Big thick shoulders and arms.  He said all the things that make me tingle.  I could also tell he was just the right type of dominant. And, did I mention, his body was smoking hot.  At 50. Oh, and he’s an attorney so he is particularly well-spoken.

Soon, he sent me a video of himself.  He was stroking his cock.  It was luscious, fat and long.  I was immediately sucked in, pun intended.  All I could think about was being fucked by that cock.

And then, *poof* I realized I wasn’t all that impressed.  I suppose I woke up.  I admit to watching the video once then deleting it.  I sent him a quick text to say I was certain I wasn’t interested in a sex only relationship and good luck to him.  Then I blocked and deleted him.

It was like temporary insanity, because that cock was amazing.

Thinking of continuing my sexual exploration caused me to get a bit heated.

Around the same time, I started another  conversation with a man who met all my initial criteria. Good looking, local, tall and a good career. Single. He quickly let me know he was looking for a non-vanilla relationship.  However, he indicated “relationship” as the key word.

Curiosity got the best of me and I allowed the conversation to continue.

It was like déjà vu.

He was interested in finding a play partner that he could also date and develop a relationship with. I should have run at that first statement, but like I said, curiosity had the best of me. I hadn’t spoken to a man about sex clubs and the like in a long time.  He claims he wants the “whole thing” as far as dating and sex goes…..but I don’t think I buy it.

He knew the ropes and he was a leader. I could feel myself getting excited at the prospect of having a strong sexual partner again.  Both of these men in the space of a day was causing my libido to override my better sense.

As the conversation continued it became very clear to me that one thing I need was missing: pretense.

I can’t do it without the pretense.

We had become so focused on the sex club talk that there was no other conversation. He wasn’t interested in getting to know me and only wanted to understand my sexual experiences.

I had agreed to meet him a few days later, but I began to realize there was no point in meeting him at all.  He said he wanted a relationship, but I think he didn’t.  I have to remember people show themselves to you quickly, he could back-pedal and claim he wanted to date, but it wasn’t his primary goal.

When I reached out to tell him that I had changed my mind and explained why, he quickly jumped in with “I will bend over backwards to please you” and “whatever you want in dating.”  I asked him why the sudden press and he said its because good lifestyle partners are so hard to come by.  He had asked me enough lifestyle questions to know he struck gold.  I wanted to believe him, but my gut was telling me otherwise.  I succumbed to meeting him for one drink.  On a night I had to get home for a work call, so there was no opportunity for play.

Any man who is going to engage with me sexually now is going to hit the jackpot.  I don’t even second guess myself anymore and now know that I don’t need to be the thinnest, best looking, or youngest to be convinced of my sexuality anymore.  I am certain.

The piece that works in opposition to this is the fact that I want to have fun and explore and be crazy again and I’m starting to chomp at the bit after so many months of not having amazing sexual experiences.  I am trying to convince myself that I could manage continued casual sex.

I don’t think I can.  Experience has shown me that I need more than casual sex.

This is some weird type of balancing act that I need to figure out for myself.  How can I still have sex and not be attached to anyone I meet?  How can I have great sex knowing I may not have sex with that person again?  Why are sex and emotion so entirely tied up together for me?

I’m wobbling a bit here as it’s a fine line between libido and emotion for me.

At the moment, libido has won out as I had agreed to meet for a drink after work…….

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

I think I should be clear about “taking a break” from dating.

For me, that doesn’t mean no more dating for a period of time.  It means, I am not actively and desperately looking at my dating apps every day trying to fill all my free time.  I check my apps, see if there is anyone worth my time and move on if there isn’t.  I send some messages and if I don’t connect or get a response, I just get on with my day.  I am not expending any energy on the matter.

Looking for someone that meets my initial criteria isn’t always easy, I’m picky.  Very picky.  Especially about initial attraction.

So, taking a break is really much more like taking it slow and making better decisions.


And, sometimes I’m just bored.

That’s usually when trouble starts.

I was randomly checking my app one Friday when a decent guy popped up as a match.  We started chatting quickly and he was appealing to me.  Appealing includes: some physical attraction in his photo, over 6ft tall and intelligent conversation.  We moved to text and decided we should try and meet.  He was close by and, as it turned out, headed to the same location I was before heading home for the evening.

We had about 45 minutes to meet and see if we were interested enough to take it from there.

I had no kids for the night, I was bored and I agreed.  A free drink is a free drink and literally wasn’t costing me any time or consuming any energy.

We met at a touristy dive bar and hit it off quickly.  He was due to leave for a poker game, which is why we were time bound.  The hour passed and we consumed several drinks rather quickly.  Another hour passed.  And, then,  another.

We hadn’t had any dinner and the drinks were starting to take a sincere effect.

He was a sweet guy but I found out some things that made it immediately apparent he wasn’t for me, in particular he was still married and living at home.  He claimed he was separated and in mediation and moving out at the end of the school year, but I decided quickly I wasn’t taking any chances with that.  He was still using the pronoun “we” when he spoke about his wife, in fact, he still said “my wife” and his screen saver on his phone was his wife and family.

When I claimed I wasn’t sure if I believed he was actually getting a divorce he dove into his briefcase at the speed of light and out popped a wad of papers for his mediated agreement. He asked if I could take a look and I declined.  Way too much info for me. 

But here we were, having fun.  And so it went.

I was the first date he was ever on in 15 years.  We talked about his divorce and how he arrived there.  I sounded like the voice of wisdom and experience compared to him.  It was so strange to me to feel I had come so far.  I explained I would be more than happy to be a divorce buddy for him but there was no chance we would be dating or fooling around.  None.  Zero.  Absolutely not.

He admitted that he hadn’t had so much fun with a woman in so many years that said he would really appreciate if I could just have a fun night with him because he felt so comfortable with me.  He was a nice guy, I didn’t want to say no, I was having fun myself.

Eventually we left one bar and made it to one of my favorites in the city.  When we arrived, they dropped us in front of the small ice skating rink the hotel had set up for the winter months.

Drunk and laughing, we couldn’t resist.  It was not pretty.

I don’t think I had been on skates in 10 years, never mind drunk and on skates.

In any case, we skated.  Or he fell and I wobbled.  Eventually we made it around the little rink a few times.  I still have the bruises on my ass from the one fall I had.

The cold air had us sobered up a little bit and I had to order some food at this point. We made our way to the bar and I had some yummy west coast oysters but he didn’t eat.   We also made the massive mistake of ordering an absolutely massive punch bowl that could put the worlds best drinker down.


Yea, that was the wrong thing to do.  Absolutely the wrong thing.  But, it was fun, that’s for sure.

We had been drinking and laughing for about 5 hours now and we were both quite done.  In terms of the evening, it was still early because we had started right after work.  He wanted to get a room and spend the night. I agreed.  I wasn’t in great shape to attempt making it all the way home. We checked into the hotel.

I really didn’t have any intention of sleeping with him.  None.  I wasn’t even all that interested.  He might have been fun, but he wasn’t for me and I was clear about that.  But all my logical thinking goes right out the window when I drink heavily.  So, of course our clothes came off.

Frankly, he was too drunk to perform properly.  We tried a bit and then we both passed out naked.

My head was splitting in half  by the morning.  I could tell he was going to want to start again and I knew that it would be the wrong thing for me to do.  I didn’t really care about the night before, but here in the daylight and sobering up, I knew I didn’t want to have sex with him.  Telling him gently wasn’t going to be easy when I was naked and wrapped in his arms.

He nudged and I tried to remain still.  I gave no indication I was interested.  He nudged again, and again, and then asked.  I gently replied “no” and explained I thought we had made the mistake of falling into bed the evening before and should just write it off to the alcohol.    He pushed a little more and I politely asked him to stop or my words might turn unkind, and that wouldn’t be very nice.  He understood.

We did have a little chat about what I was looking for in a relationship and I mentioned that I needed a leader in bed and was laughing at his reply …. “you are so sexy, I thought you would be able to teach me a thing or two, I would follow you anywhere!”  Sweet, but certainly not the type of man for me!

As we dressed and readied to leave the hotel, he was very complimentary to me and we decided to go get some coffee together.  He was easy enough to be with.  He tried again to convince me (at the diner) to give him a shot, but I politely declined and apologized for my drunken behavior.  It was weird but not entirely awkward.

He sent a text later that day to thank me and tell me how much fun he had and was appreciative that I was his very first experience after his marriage.  I replied with a sweet thank you and didn’t give it another thought.

I didn’t block or delete him, but I don’t know if I would engage him again for any reason.

I haven’t had a crazy night in a while, so the laughing and silliness was fun and definitely helped to relieve some of the tension of the past weeks.

He did follow up with text several days later suggesting I could be his life coach. 

God help the person who thinks I have life figured out well enough to coach them!


How to Say Hello

I switch between about 3 different dating apps…Tinder, Bumble, and OK Cupid.  ASV gave me another one called Coffee Meets Bagel but that one seems like a bust.

Bumble tends to put forth the best looking guys, matches are easy enough, and the woman has to write first.  If I match, I say “Hello.”  Every single time.  Mostly, I don’t get responses.

Tinder matches much more frequently than Bumble, and on Tinder, I wait for the guy to write first.  Maybe 1 every 10 men will actually initiate a conversation.

OK Cupid works well for many, but I have found that in my area, it’s mostly the bottom feeders of the dating community.  I finally gave up and cancelled my renewal subscription because I just wasn’t meeting any quality men on OKC.

Coffee Meets Bagel was slow…you only had so many choices a day, and if you wanted more choices you needed to pay extra.  I did pay extra at first to see how it would work (I added beans to my coffee machine).  I chatted with two guys in a month.  And then suddenly, every match turned Asian…wtf?   Did I change my selection preferences or did they suddenly cover the entire city Asian market?  It was the strangest thing.  I have no more beans to pay for matches, I’m not attracted to Asian men, and it’s too slow going for me, so I don’t both with the app anymore.

So, that pretty much leaves Bumble and Tinder, which are mostly the same thing but the aesthetics of Bumble are just a tad better than Tinder.

I match often, matching isn’t a problem.  Hearing from someone, that’s another story entirely.  The other week I  was excited about 2 matches for about 5 minutes because they were just my type on paper and they unmatched me within the day.  Why?  I will never know! Especially when they matched me first!

Anyway, the point of this post… best to say “Hello” the first time around?

I know what doesn’t work:

Hey babe

You look like trouble

Want to have a drink?

To be fair, they all worked for me when I first started dating, but I am a tad more evolved now and know better than to entertain those guys!

There have been a couple lately that just make me melt a little:

Hi pretty girl

Hi M, can’t take my eyes off your smile

Hi there, you have the most beautiful, bright eyes….

Then there are the ones that really might be sweet if I didn’t think the men were just crazy to begin with, I mean, guys, this is too much:

Hello Beautiful Angel, You look like a star at night and the brilliant sun of the day

Hi, Look no more text me and let’s get off this site

You are so beautiful and down to earth (how do you know that?!)

I don’t know what happened to just saying “Hello.”  A plain simple hello.  If I like your photo, I will reply.

Maybe I have it wrong, but it seems the easiest way.  When I have to write first on Bumble I will always use their name and something simple: “Hello so-and-so.  Happy Thursday” and keep it straightforward.  If they like my photo, they respond.  Really, it’s easy.

Why does this internet dating thing need to be so ridiculously difficult?




Welcome, friends.

Here it is……my first post.

I thought April 1st seemed as good a day to start as any!

Starting a new blog is a bit like breaking in new shoes, they are not always so comfortable at first, but you are pretty sure you will get used to them in time.

I’m still fooling around with my image and tag line…I’m sure something will speak to me soon.

Am I reinvented, reimagined, reaffirmed, reawakened?  Maybe all of those things.  I want to consider my life an adventure, somehow that seems important to me – a beautiful, wonderful, exciting adventure.  I want my tag line to reflect these possibilities.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written and I actually feel a bit rusty!  I have found that journaling is good for my soul and has become an important part of how I process things.

I wish I had something witty and clever to start with.  Or an adventure or two to share.  But, my life is mostly quiet at the moment which is a reflection of my peace of mind.

Taking a break turned out to be healthy for me.

Once I set my mind to closing the last chapter, I found myself exhausted.  Sure, work stress added to it, but I am pretty sure it was more mind over matter.  I found myself sleeping by 8-9pm each evening, getting up, going to work early, and then coming home to fall asleep early again the next evening.  My children even commented that I seemed exhausted.  I felt this way for almost 2 weeks.  I knew the time to rest had come – my soul was insisting on it and I listened this time.

I spent a lot of time with myself, reflecting on all the changes in my life over the past 5 years.  I was consumed with endings during that time.  When I looked back and truly absorbed what I had been through, I needed to give myself a break.

I also spent time reading for therapy.  Mostly self-help stuff. I also spoke to my therapist quite a bit.  I am determined to clear the cobwebs in order to move myself forward… to a more balanced way of thought and action.

In order to discover who I am meant to be in this next phase of my life, I had to let go of all the things weighing me down.  Letting go clearly isn’t easy for me and I’m sure I’m still not going to be any good at it the next time I have to do it, but I have learned how to be more conscious and aware of my thoughts and behaviors.

With that said, I have no doubt I will still have many moments of immaturity and recklessness.  I sort of like that wild side of me.  She needs to be nurtured the same as the responsible and loving side of me!