Undeniable Chemistry

Another high match on OKC, 95% this time.

Handsome, very tall and built.  Boom!

Great education and, as a first, wrote in his profile that he is looking for a relationship.  I believe he even mentioned he was ready to be vulnerable.

He wrote first and I could tell he didn’t have the savvy of an experienced on-line dater.  The dating app text were short, but inquisitive.  He asked me out after 5-6 text.  (see last post!)

I declined and suggested we move to regular text and he agreed.  We went back and forth a bit before he suggested we speak on the phone.

I already knew this was moving too fast.

And then he called.

That voice.  It went straight through me.  Articulate, well-educated and kind.  He had a sexy growl.

Damn growls gets me every time.

What is it with two people when the conversation flows so easily?  When there is banter, laughter and sexual innuendo woven through and entire conversation that never quite crosses the line to inappropriate.  When both parties are clearly listening and focused intently on the other?  Where does that instantaneous chemistry come from and why is it so elusive?

I knew from the first few sentences that I would be excited to meet him.

He asked me out quickly, too quickly perhaps because it was the first phone call and he wanted to take me out in a few hours after work that same evening.  I had a therapist appointment planned and promised myself I wouldn’t be missing another evening of working out.

The longer we talked, the more we connected.  We had similar taste in lifestyle, aligned in our family beliefs and worldly desires in life go forward.  The dialogue was easy and natural.  I could tell he was a little nervous, he really seemed to want to ask me more and more questions each time I would answer something that we were aligned on.  Almost as though he couldn’t believe we had so much in common.

I will say he was a breath of fresh air after so long.

But what started to make me nervous was my response to him.  I could tell I was getting ahead of myself and getting excited.  This man pretty much ticked all the boxes and I hadn’t even met him yet.

He was handsome, but not exactly “my type” of handsome so what was I getting myself worked up over if I didn’t dig him in person?

Not only that, he was assertive about “finding the one” and getting into a relationship.  He seemed to have a specific list of criteria he was matching me against.

We ended our conversation with him asking me once again to cancel my evening plans to spend with him …. he would be happy to drive me home later in the evening so I didn’t have to worry about the commute.

I hung up the phone and spoke to my girlfriends about it.  They know how down in the dumps I have been and thought this was a perfect reason to go out and be adored and admired.  They made reservations for us at a hip bar with amazing cocktails and I sent him a text to say “ok, I’m in, meet you at 6pm”

He answered immediately and was thrilled.

I was excited, but still unsure.  Why was I hesitating?  Am I scared to jump in or just more aware of moving too fast?  There was something about him I hadn’t yet put my finger on, and I was ignoring my better sense.  Either way, I accepted a date very quickly and had made the commitment for the evening.



EVERYONE Needs an Urban Dictionary Name

Late last night I was reading an article on Masturbation (does that surprise you?)

In the article it said something like “Omg you’re such a Madeline!”

And, I was like “WTF?”  I have a description?

So, I googled my Urban Dictionary definition and spent the next half hour laughing hysterically to myself!

Go ahead…google yours…see what you get!


How a Date Can Be Doomed Before It Starts

I have learned the hard way not to do a few very specific things when attempting to set up dates on-line:

  1. Do not go straight to texting, give yourself a little time to feel comfortable.
  2. Never go on a date after just a couple of text, learn something.
  3. Do not text endlessly until you meet the man, you need to get to know them in person and have something to talk about.

I have made these mistakes a number of times and it never works out.  It’s worth the little bit of effort it takes to text a little, chat a little, exchange more photos and then meet for a drink.

Know what you are getting, people.

I could write a much bigger list of not-to-do’s but this will suffice for now.  (and, honestly, friends, I am still making tons of dating mistakes so I would rather not highlight that fact at the moment!)  Today is about communication in particular, speaking to someone too much before a first date.

You do one of two things – either you set yourself up for a fall, or you set yourself up for a fall.  Ha.  That’s about it.

If you speak to them too much before the first date you could like them a whole lot. Then you meet in person and there is no chemistry.  Dead.  Over. Letdown.

Or, you can speak to them too much before the first date and start to hear things you don’t like and get you sort of turned off before you even meet, already starting the unintentional process of elimination in your head.

Case in point, I met a man on Bumble, we chatted a bit and switched to text.  We were due to go out in a few days, but he cancelled our first date with plenty of notice and rescheduled for a week later.  Although his reason for cancelling didn’t seem flaky, I just assumed he would disappear.  However, he did reschedule based on my availability for the next week.  A day or so after the cancellation he wrote again and asked me for a phone conversation.

Now, my friends and I disagree on the phone conversation thing.  Several of my friends say that only men in their mid to late 40s want to talk on the phone, those silly Gen X’ers (which means 1965-1984, so it actually covers more than 40 year olds!) However, my friends who state this neglect to realize that, while they may be younger than me, they are still in the same generational bracket!  However, they have a lot more dating experience in the Millennial generation (which the media designates as the worst generation ever!) and I suppose this is one of those crappy Millennial things – no one wants to speak on the phone anymore.

Anyway, I agreed and we chatted for a while.  There was a lot to like about this man, a whole lot.  He was handsome, well-educated, fantastic job, well-traveled, divorced, and super intelligent.  There was really nothing not to like about him, he met all of my criteria.  His communication was consistent and good and had just enough peppering of sweet.

Then we spoke.  I heard an almost-effeminate purr in his voice.  He called his son his “little angel.”  He is a creative type and I understand creatives tend to be a little airy at times but he spoke about the quality of his next relationship in terms of soulmate. I started to back-pedal because I interpreted all of this as soft.

Soft is not for me.

He asked me where I would like to go, suggesting a few places and we agreed upon a perfect location – hip and romantic at the same time.  A very cool locale.

So, except for the interpretation I made of him….he really is perfect on paper.

But now I have this earworm telling me he is soft and I don’t know how to get rid of that.

So, we shall see how this date goes and if an in person meeting changes my initial perspective.

He has been quite consistent to send at least one sweet text each day, but no more than that…which is a good thing.

There is a glimmer of hope.  He is a lovely man.

well, until I showed my dad his photo (just by way of conversation) and he frowned and exclaimed  “Maddy, he’s not for you, he’s gay!”

My Dad, the truck driver.





The 98% Match

I was just about to delete the OKC app when I realized I had forgotten to disable the auto-pay and renewed my subscription for another 3 months.

I figured, oh well, better make some use of this app after all.

I decided to loosen all my search criteria and narrow down to a few parameters only.  Interestingly enough, when I did this, some decent matches opened  up. I suppose that shows reducing the match qualifications (at least initially) is a better idea than being too strict.

OKC works on a question-matching system.  Although some people may call it an algorithm, it is, in fact, not an algorithm.  It’s simply a matching system with some weight thrown in on the importance of that question to you, which is fluffy compatibility no-science-science based on physical attraction and common interests (as if mutual love of horror films has anything to do with anything).

I know some people subscribe to the belief that these questions should help promote compatibility, but the bare bones facts remain: you must be physically attracted to your match regardless of the % and then the all-mighty and ever elusive chemistry must come into play.

What did this mean to me?  Easy – if I don’t like the photos and the initial text chemistry, match % is irrelevant because I wasn’t attracted to them.  Period.

In this case, I matched with 3 men that were not only physically appealing, but had a very high match percentage.  One was 98%, the next was 94% and the last 92%.  Two of them were Midwest transplants to the city, and one was more local to my hometown.  The prospects seemed good.

I chose to message the two Midwest transplants first, which generally is a bozo no-no.  If the man is interested, he will text.  Period.  End of story.  I know this and did it anyway.  Kiss of death.

One of them did write back and engaged in stimulating conversation through the course of a Monday afternoon into evening.  The other never replied.  With the man who did reply, conversation became bland at some point and he stopped asking questions.  I mentioned to him that our match percentage was exceptionally high and asked what he thought of that.  He said he subscribed no belief to the system and it seemingly ended the conversation.

I had already made the two missteps of texting first as well as keeping the conversation going, so I stopped at that point and didn’t reply to him.  Surprisingly, he sent a text to ask me out the next day and we agreed to a date/time to meet.

A point of note regarding this man (he was the 98% match), I liked the way his photos looked and the way he smiled, but wasn’t swooning over his looks.  I chose not to ask him to exchange more photos to get a better look – normally I always do so before a date.  There was no flirting, not one iota, none.  I would say that’s atypical behavior for me.  Most men flirt and I am a prolific flirt.  There was none of that with this man.  All conversation was polite and above-board.  He was born and raised in Indiana, traveled the world, and landed in the city some 15 years ago.  He is 48, never married and no children, but comes from a large and close family unit.

Out of curiosity, I went into the questions to see what the 2% missing was…and one of the few questions we didn’t match on was “Do you think glasses are attractive?”  His answer (because he wears glasses) was “Yes, absolutely!”  While my answer was “It doesn’t matter to me.”  Like I said, some of these questions that cause match/no match are quite silly.  I didn’t answer many hard-hitting religious or political questions because those things don’t actually matter to me and I prefer not to engage in those discussions early on, if ever.  Politics and religion don’t  hold any interest for me.  We were virtually a 100% match on our sexual and lifestyle questions.    Again, nothing more than general curiosity drove me to look further into how we had answered these questions.

I wasn’t especially excited about the date and, unfortunately, this is my general feeling of apathy these days to dating.  What I did like about him was his suggestions where to go (all cool, close to my work hangouts) and the thoughtful approach to which he considered time/place and his consistent communication.  I may not have been excited, but his behavior was impeccable.

Upon meeting, he had a lovely and open smile and we had an easy enough conversation.  First impression, he was not physically my type.  However, he was very well dressed and had an innate sense of style.  He appreciated my sexy shoes immediately.  We had plenty of similar interests, both local and abroad.  I found him gracious and engaging.  He took pride in his family and particularly his nephews.  He didn’t shy away from asking about my kids.  We had a few drinks over the first two hours before he suggested moving bars. Time had passed with relative ease.

Normally, when a date moves from the first bar to the next, I have come to expect this is when the man will offer dinner.  This didn’t happen, which I thought of in passing and I’m simply making a note of it now.  The second bar he chose was a fantastic rooftop bar with amazing views and great cocktails.  We spent another two hours together there.

The conversation took a very interesting turn in the second bar.  It all stemmed from the two questions he asked me:

  1. Why didn’t my marriage ultimately work?
  2. What did I like about my 8 month relationship

Simple questions with big answers, and no simple way to encapsulate them.

But, he was easy to talk to without over-talking, and I found a good middle road by answering both questions at once.

My x was not kind, loving, respectful or sexual with me.  My 8-month relationship was all of those things tied up in a neat bow.  I would like to find myself in another relationship where I am allowed to grow and be myself and have a man who not only appreciates me, but supports and encourages me.

He moved closer and began rubbing my back and leg.  Honestly, prior to this, I didn’t think he was that interested in me.  We seemed to be new friends more than having a potential for dating.  When he did this, a felt a strong undercurrent that he would be really good in bed.  It was simply a feeling that washed over me.  He had a atmosphere of strength about him, even if he was too thin!

He asked me a little more about sexual exploration and, again, I found myself able to answer truthfully without being a fountain of information.  A truth slipped from my tongue that I didn’t know I had realized: I want to continue my sexual exploration, but I’m not so sure how much of that includes clubs or other people.  I am open and uninhibited and want a man to arouse that in me.  I liked that he asked me what interested me about the sex clubs and I was finally clear with myself that I loved doing what I did because I have a natural curiosity, but it was driven by the pleasure by partner derived from it.

He seemingly liked these answers as I got a little squeeze on my shoulder, a clear indicator of attraction.

My date has had much experience and I could tell throughout our conversation he was clearly an alpha in all respects.  He had such a quiet confidence about him, one that grew on me as the night progressed.

He paid the bill and brought me out to the balcony and kissed me, hard and deep.  His kiss was lovely and entirely unexpected.  So was the depth behind it.

I was still unable to say there was actually chemistry, but he intrigued me on a different level somehow.

He walked me down to my car and said goodnight.  I sent a text later to say “Thank You” and he asked me if I would like to go out again, perhaps closer to his neighborhood.

I am writing this post 2 days after the date and I still can’t really articulate what I think about this man.  My girlfriend has been relentless with questions because she can’t understand why I am not more impressed with him.  I don’t know why I am not more interested actually and just can’t seem to nail it down.  I fear some of my detachment seeped into the date and perhaps he picked up on it?  I don’t know.  He had every qualification I look for, every single one, except for being rail thin.  Could the physical aspect be that much of a deterrent to me?

Yes, he is 6 ft tall, but he is thin.  I have never liked a thin man.  He is solid as a rock, but his legs are probably half the size of mine.  He is handsome in a non-traditional way and I wonder if his eccentricity is throws me off a bit as I tend to that All-American boy look.  He is more experienced than me in many, many things – in life in general.  Would this dissuade him from being interested in pursuing me?  Perhaps.  While I spent my time raising a family, he was traveling the world, dating and living a different style of life.  I think I would enjoy having someone who is more worldly than I, but it’s possible I was too prosaic for him.

Here is another interesting thing I learned about myself on this date, and I find it enlightening that it surfaced during a date.    I realized that it didn’t matter to me if he had been with playboy playmates or models in his past, if he was going to be with me (in the carnal sense) then he got what he got in me and I’m now perfectly happy with what I can provide to a man.  I am no longer jealous of how sexy or beautiful previous partners may have been because I have finally realized that I am sexy and beautiful too, in my own fabulous M way, as only I can be.  If a man is really interested in me and adores me, I will never worry about what came before me again.  I learned this lesson last summer and I guess I didn’t realize what a profoundly excellent effect it had on me.   It’s nice to finally feel I am enough as I am.  The man who wants me isn’t going to compare me to every woman who came before me, he will want me for me.

So where does this leave this man and I?  No clue.

Maybe he will ghost me, I have a feeling maybe he won’t, at least not entirely.  Maybe we will go out again.  There is something here, I just don’t know what it is.

So, we shall see.

Or not.

Either way, it’s fine.

Oh, and the second guy (94%) I reached out to never contacted me, but the third high match (92%) did reach out to me and made a date…which he subsequently cancelled and rescheduled.

I’m not holding my breath.

For anyone.




Couch to 5k – Week 2

Week 2

Day 1 – Friday

I had a weird cramp earlier this week in my right leg and it woke me again early this morning.  better safe than sorry, I decided to call the doctor.  I went for a quick scan and found there are no new blood clots and nothing that should be creating the cramp from my previous concerns.  The doctor thinks (like Marty) maybe I am trying to take on too much too soon with the exercise and to slow it down and be sure I hydrate more often.

I am to be off my feet for a few days.

That officially derails my 28 day plan. Boo

(oh and like I’m really sorry I can’t exercise a few days…not!)

Ok, this just means I keep eating properly and I can start exercise on Monday again.

Day 2/3 – Saturday / Sunday

Easy because I don’t even need to feel guilty.  But what about tomorrow?  The thought of rising early makes me already not even want to start.

I did have a pang of guilt ask watched my sons soccer game (of which he played 6 minutes)  and saw a woman getting her laps in around the track   I could have done that  …. Easily.   But I wasn’t supposed to so I will leave it at that.

My eating sucked all weekend, there were just too many things going on to be strict.

Day 4 – Monday

I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I have no excuse, really.  My eating was spot on but exhaustion took over and I neither made it out of bed early enough or home early enough to work out.  I was in bed asleep at 8:30pm.  I feel troubled this week,

Day 5 – Tuesday

The good news is that I woke with a much better attitude today and have convinced myself I must have needed the rest for whatever reason I needed it.

The overall feeling of sadness didn’t entirely life but at least I felt capable today.

I got home and got dressed all the whole debating myself should I/shouldn’t I/must I?! I did it though, got out in the daylight and put on the app.

I finish my 5 minute warm up walk and start the first jog and what the hell happens to me? My pants fall down!  Well, slip down. I pull them all the way up under my boobs just about and keep going. Nope. They are just not staying up. God damn it.

I can turn around and go home to change pants or keep going. If I go home I bet I don’t make it back out. This debate goes on for a few minutes and now I’m too far to turn back around. I do a regular 4 mile walk with no run.

Ok, it’s something. Clearly I need better thought to the pants I wear on cooler evenings!  No one wants to see butt crack!

I felt good but I still hate it. I’m not so sure all that time alone in my head is even good for me. I think too much. Of the wrong things

Day 6 – Wednesday

I am pretty certain this nonsense only happens to me.  I set the alarm for 5:50am and rolled over to shut it off when I heard someone in the house using the bathroom and heading downstairs.  My youngest son decided to get up in the morning and go on the treadmill?  What the heck?    He was on for about 20 minutes, but by then it was too late for me to start.  Ah, at least I got an extra hour sleep.

I did make it home and jump on after picking up my son from soccer practice and before a 2 hour conference call.

Today started 1 minute 20 seconds of running…seriously, I think I might die the longer I have to run!  I have no rhythm, I nearly tripped running too close to the front of the treadmill and knocked over my bottle of water!  But I did the work and made it through another day of that app.


Day 7 – Thursday

Set the alarm to get up early and guess who didn’t.  I really hate mornings.

Our babysitter just ran a marathon and knows I am attempting the 5k, so she said I just have to take it easy with my pace.  I asked her how fast she runs on the treadmill and she said “7.0” and I laughed and told her I was at “4.5….was that slow enough?!”  She sort of smirked at me and turned back to making the kids lunch.

Further, I was supposed to see the therapist tonight and cancelled a therapy appointment in favor of a drink…and of course, one drink turned into many, many drinks and a fun and crazy night.  I probably consumed a weeks worth of calories in the “Booty Collins” I was drinking!  And of course this meant the evening clearly included no exercise.  


This is a perfect example of how I promise myself I will get started and I will do well…and then fail.  I don’t know what it takes for me to finally gain the right motivation to get it done.  Or, in other words, I don’t know what it takes for me to make a good decision for myself…like: stop mourning the loss of my last relationship and start exercising so I feel great when I start the next relationship.  Loser.  The entire key is in front of me.  I have a feeling if I can get this exercise routine started, he will start to fade from my thoughts as well.

Anyway…..I am happy I still got in 2 days of moving, even after the doctor said slow down.  I did eliminate the strength exercises this week and had no cramps.

My eating was solid and although I told myself I would fast this week, the day I chose I realized I was unprepared with the correct liquids at work, so I just kept up the shake routine.  I drank more alcohol than I should have. 

I still lost another 1.5 lbs, so I am not complaining.

I am going to consider a very soft start better than no start.


Dating in the Slow Lane

Hey, it’s not nearly as bad as I thought.


I made it through a month without dating anyone.

(Ok, that’s enough of that nonsense, time to get back out there, you need sex!)

I’m slowly (can it get any slower, really?) healing my broken heart. I don’t feel any need to rush into dating. Admittedly, I’m actually a bit more wary for the first time in my entire life.

I had something so good for once I am afraid I won’t have it again. Part of me doesn’t want to try. Knowing that’s unhealthy, I don’t intend to stay single forever….I have just realized that’s it’s really, really, really ok to be on my own.

It’s ok to be heartbroken, too.

I find the fact that I am guarded for the first time in my life a little scary.  I’m the type of girl who jumps in head first, no holds barred and I’m suddenly afraid?  Freaks me out a bit.

It also makes me a little sad…have I lost a part of myself?  Will it come back to me?

Of course I want a significant other. I love men, relationship and I love love. I want the whole idea of a true partnership that works. Two people working towards happiness together. I believe in true romance and love. I haven’t turned cynical. Maybe just a bit gun-shy.

Having a better focus for the month of April is helping. I don’t feel pressure to have a date or get out there. I no longer feel like I’m missing something. Well, except sex. I do feel like I’m missing sex and that is really the hardest part at the moment. Trying not to make more bad choices because I want to have sex isn’t easy for me. Luckily I’m somewhat cyclical and have about two weeks a month in my cycle that are tough. I can a make it through two weeks with my renewed commitment to exercise. It’s not easy but I am doing it.

I don’t believe that taking a break from dating means I improve how I focus on the things around me.  The truth is that if I can’t date AND focus on the things around me I probably have a recipe for disaster waiting to happen.  It’s sort of like saying I plan to abandon myself and my goals when I am dating someone.  My motive here was not to shut off dating, but to slow it down and make better choices.  I think I have accomplished that and gained some clarity on my needs.

I have set up some dates now, once a week, so that I can start slowly getting back into the swing of things with men would be quality choices.

I struggle daily to keep my mind from dwelling on the past and try to keep it in perspective. My time, my man, my love will come along. I don’t feel especially stressed about it.  Not stressed, but still sad….I am still not firmly implanted in acceptance.

I’ve spent more time with my kids recently since my heart has let my brain come back to the land of the living. Some days being a parent is tough and other days rewarding. I still don’t find parenting through these teens years to be especially easy – I would trade for the under 12 set any day! When the kids are little it’s just tiring. Physically tiring. But parenting older kids, teens, and one on the spectrum can be downright emotionally and mentally debilitating. I can’t just sleep it off anymore like when they were little guys. Now I truly feel like the life is being sucked from me.

I hope to get to the point where I am willing to run myself ragged with physical exercise before making bad dating decisions and I’m obviously not there yet!  I have a sincere weight goal in my mind that I want to achieve.  I want to finally become that person who is so hyper focused on a goal that they do anything to get themselves there.  For me, that seems to be all about eliminating poor relationship behaviors.

I still want sex.  This isn’t going to be an easy fight to win.

Damn it, I really, really, really want sex.  Fantastic bed-thumping up-all-night sex.


(yes, that’s just it darlings, I want to be fucked)

100 Readers, Already?

Wow…I can’t recall how long it took me the first time around to grow 100 readers to my blog!

I know when I shuttered my old blog that I was walking away from that seemingly huge number of followers…but, then I realized – how many of those people do I actually interact with?  And, maybe it was time to add some new friends to my posse!

In addition, I find that my number of views, with significantly less followers, is already about than 1/4 of what I had every day at my old blog.    This means that my readers are loyal, and are truly the ones interacting with me. Numbers are one thing, but knowing you actually have loyal followers is beyond amazing!

I was so self-absorbed at the end of last year into the beginning of this year, I could hardly keep up with my favorite bloggers, let alone comment on their posts.  Now I have found the joy in reading again, commenting, and then hoping to open a dialogue with my new and old friends.  I also know that I lost readers last year the further into my misery I descended…which ultimately helped me to realize it was just time to stop writing about it.

(Don’t let me fool you, I’m still miserable!)

Part of me wonders, will I gain a different type of following?  I haven’t started up the sex stories yet and I know that always attracts (or perhaps also detracts) a certain reading personality.  There will be sexy stories to come.  That’s my favorite bit.

How long before my crazy antics kick in and we get more of the Prosecco Chronicles?!

I don’t know.  This time around I have much less of an intentional place to start.  My marriage is almost at and end (oh-thank-fucking-God!), I am not searching for sex every day (though I would like to be having sex every day, don’t get me wrong!) and I am no longer desperate for love (well, maybe a little).  It’s just me and my every day life, as boring as that may be.

It took me almost a month just to write the “about” page.  I wasn’t sure how I wanted to represent myself.  I am still unsure if I like the new header or tag line.  I had my old one for two years and it seemed suitable for such a long time, under varying circumstances….what will get me through the next two years?

I sort of wonder what attracts readers to my blog?  Why me?

I have fully embraced the journaling/blogging process.  For me this is really one of the best platforms to get the jumble of thoughts out of my head and onto paper in a more articulate fashion.  I like to keep myself honest so I rarely edit what comes out of my head for an audience.  I will give you what’s in my head and heart, good and bad, and often times just not-so-pretty.  I love to have your feedback.  It doesn’t matter if we agree or disagree or have differing world views, as long as we are kind to one another to share our beliefs I am all for it.

Maybe this is just the long way around to say “Thanks for being here with me.  I appreciate you.”

I’m so glad you are on this journey with me.





Too Bad It Wasn’t A Heart Attack

Believe me the thought crosses my mind. My x having a heart attack. Dropping dead at any given moment he’s antagonizing me.

Ah, we all dream these terrible things once in a while.

But I don’t mean it.

No, really, I don’t!

Besides not actually wishing death upon any living thing, he is the sun and sky to my middle son. Of course his other children love him too….but he means the world to my middle guy. And that’s enough for me to want to wish him a long, healthy life. (Just not one married to me!)

As it turns out, he had heart surgery a few weeks ago. He didn’t tell me what’s been going on with him because he hates letting me in on anything, which is fine. I handle things differently. But, when he said he couldn’t take the kids one night and I asked why he admitted he was going into the hospital for heart surgery to have stents put in place.

The doctor ended up putting 3 stents in his arteries that were 98% blocked.  They say he was close to a massive heart attack had he not gotten the stents put in when he did.

Oh well, no luck.

That’s a joke, at least a half-hearted attempt at one. :/

Here’s the thing, after the surgery, he sends me a text to tell me he is ok and let the kids know.  We chat about the surgery a little here and there and then these text start:

The doctor says that the angina is mostly responsible for my ED.

Now I can get it up no problem.

As a matter of fact, I am so hard and erect the nurses had to give me a happy ending.

The doctor also says that the reason for my depression and anger issues is related to the angina as well.

I didn’t see the text as they came in, so I couldn’t stop them immediately, but when I saw the last one I replied:

Do me a favor, stop making jokes.  They are not funny and really, I’m not interested in yet another excuse why you behaved the way you did for 21 years.

He actually wrote back to apologize and said it was the drugs speaking.

But it didn’t end there.

When he picked the kids up a few days later, he had to repeat that the reason he couldn’t get it up for 10 years was because of heart problems.

So, while this is technically and physically true….he neglects to remember he had no desire.  Never mind the physical aspect, he had no interest what-so-ever.  He was always tired or there was something on TV.  Sex just wasn’t important to him.  And, eventually I grew tired of asking for it.

It’s so important to him that I understand why his manhood was compromised all those years.  I know why.  Because it’s one more thing he can say “it’s not my fault” and place the blame elsewhere.  He took no responsibility for any of our issues in marriage so one of the biggest ones now isn’t his responsibility either.

I was curious so I read up on his condition and prognosis.  Bottom line, he had been having obvious symptoms for almost 12 years and did nothing about it.  Even the doctors questioned why he wouldn’t have checked his heart at the first sign of ED when he was 40 years old.  That’s how unimportant sex was to him.  He didn’t care that much that he couldn’t get it up.  

Well, it seems he is going to live a bit longer and attempt (once again) to change his eating and healthy habits.  He tries every year and nothing sticks.

I’m just glad I don’t have to watch it any longer.

It did occur to my that my children almost lost both of their parents in a 3 months span which is really scary.  When the thought hit me, I actually got nauseous thinking I don’t even have a will prepared.

Time to get things in order.

I think I need to start a list of major crap I need to get done.  Clearing my brain of the man-cobwebs has finally created the ability to see responsibility again.

Urgh, part of me enjoyed shirking responsibilities the past 18 months.

Must I grow up?

California Dreamin’


So, its time to start thinking about Summer Vacation.

For many years my kids only wanted to go to one place: Disney World.  Even though it was expensive, I was secretly thrilled.  I am a closet Disney World addict.  I totally buy into the Pixie Dust.  I believe it’s the Happiest Place on Earth and I find myself thrilled every single time I have gone.  It’s magical.

We went on a cruise a few times and the kids didn’t have enough fun and my x and I fought too often over keeping them busy.  Talk about spoiled kids.  This is how we always ended up in Disney – they liked it, they were familiar and it eventually became a no-brainer.

When I began the separation process, I wanted to start exposing them to new things but figured starting with typical “resort-type” vacations would be best.  We tried Atlantis for a short week last year and that went over well.

This year I want to try something a little bit less resort-y and more interesting.  But, I can’t stand having complaining teens so I need to keep the balance in order not to ruin my vacation.  I’m all for trying any travel, especially to Europe, but I don’t think my kids would actually enjoy the experience.  It seems we have agreed on one potential location: California.

Now, we have a back-up plan – Turks and Caicos – for that real typical resort vacation…but I think I might be willing to give some California Sunshine a shot.  My guys said they really don’t want another beach vacation.

I know lots of you have traveled and even live on the opposite coast…so what are your suggestions for older teens?

My kids are more gamers than adventure/outdoor kids, so I can’t get too adventurous with them, but I know I would love to visit San Francisco to see the bridge and Alcatraz.  Maybe even take a drive through Vegas to the Grand Canyon.  I have about 10 days to kill and 2 driving permit drivers who could use the long distance practice.

Any and all suggestions welcome.  Or, if not California, do you have a place that your teens loved to travel that you would recommend?




Meeting MaggieMayat50

I love the experience of meeting my favorite bloggers for the first time!

I have been very lucky to find wonderful, supportive, caring and brilliant people through this blogging community and, sure enough, Maggie is no different.

We met while I was on vacation with my children, she kindly drove to meet me for some drinks.  Upon meeting her, she was exactly as I pictured her….isn’t that strange how we can get an image in our head?

I imagined her to be attractive, slim and have a lovely smile.  She was all of those things plus a brilliant mind.

I suppose everyone would think that we spoke about blog-land the whole afternoon but we didn’t, not at all.  It was like two old friends catching up.  And she is so funny…if she doesn’t tell you the Hunter drug test story I’m going to because I was fascinated!

Poor Hunter was worried that I might kidnap the darling Maggie with my wild, provocative and Prosecco-drinking ways!  I did, in fact, drink quite a lot of little bottles of Prosecco (those little bottles get me all the time – they are so darn cute!)

I got to see photos of Taz and the wedding and let me tell you – Taz is gorgeous!  Maggie looked pretty damn fabulous too!

Upon parting, it occurred to me how badly I need local women like Maggie in my circle.  My friends have always tended to be younger and more junior to me in one way or another.  That doesn’t make them any less amazing friends, but I acknowledge that the women I have met through the blog tend to be more mature – even if that doesn’t mean in age.  They have all worked good careers, raised families, traveled and have just tend to be more wise than the friends I have in real life.

I sort of wonder why that is?  Have I surrounded myself with the women I have at home through some unconscious reason?  Or is this just the type of person I attract?

How does one go about making friends in their middle-age?  I work and obviously have friends through work (some of my closest girlfriends have been made at work actually).  The friends I have at home, mommy friends, are all married and tend to want to live a more sedate life than I do.  Sometimes I feel so split in multiple personalities and wonder how to integrate (my multiple personalities) into friendships.  My kids are too old for playdates anymore, and frankly, none of the moms are all that fascinating to me…I have passed the point of local gossip and they still do that even in the high school years.  Although many of the moms are super supportive and just lovely all around people in times of need, I can only count one or two that I can rely on for advice.

I like the idea of having more people in my life who are wiser that I am.  I do not admit to being very wise and mature, ever…though once in a while hope shines through.  This is why I love blogland so much…I have met some seriously wise men and women whom I can now count on as my real-life support system.  Unfortunately, none live in my backyard but with all our technology, no one is further than a text away.

My mom had some serious advice for me when I was about to get married.  I asked her why my bridesmaids just couldn’t get along and play nice with one another in the sandbox.  They kept arguing about what they each thought was best for me and none of them really agreed.  Actually, they were arguing about their individual preferences (remember, they were all around 21-23 years old, babes in the woods) and what they thought I might like was probably quite secondary to their selfish, youthful thoughts.  My mom turned to me and said there is a friend for all seasons and I need to learn to recognize the value that each friend brings into my life.  There were friends I could read with, ride bikes with and party with…but each of those friends may not like to do the other activity, so I should just simply try to read with the reader, ride bikes with the biker and party with the partier and leave it at that.

Best advice I ever had.

For keeping the peace and maintaining my friendships, it is.

In hindsight, it created a very diverse set of friends who don’t know each other or hang out together.  Or, in my case, who may not even live on this side of the world.  Friendships like this are hard to maintain and cultivate because of the distance, but I remain friends with many people who do not live in my daily space because I feel I have a deep connection to them.  I just wish I could find some people who lived in my space that I could share more time with…now that I have so much free time on my hands.

Or, I suppose I could start traveling ever weekend….now, there’s a thought!