I was just about to delete the OKC app when I realized I had forgotten to disable the auto-pay and renewed my subscription for another 3 months.
I figured, oh well, better make some use of this app after all.
I decided to loosen all my search criteria and narrow down to a few parameters only. Interestingly enough, when I did this, some decent matches opened up. I suppose that shows reducing the match qualifications (at least initially) is a better idea than being too strict.
OKC works on a question-matching system. Although some people may call it an algorithm, it is, in fact, not an algorithm. It’s simply a matching system with some weight thrown in on the importance of that question to you, which is fluffy compatibility no-science-science based on physical attraction and common interests (as if mutual love of horror films has anything to do with anything).
I know some people subscribe to the belief that these questions should help promote compatibility, but the bare bones facts remain: you must be physically attracted to your match regardless of the % and then the all-mighty and ever elusive chemistry must come into play.
What did this mean to me? Easy – if I don’t like the photos and the initial text chemistry, match % is irrelevant because I wasn’t attracted to them. Period.
In this case, I matched with 3 men that were not only physically appealing, but had a very high match percentage. One was 98%, the next was 94% and the last 92%. Two of them were Midwest transplants to the city, and one was more local to my hometown. The prospects seemed good.
I chose to message the two Midwest transplants first, which generally is a bozo no-no. If the man is interested, he will text. Period. End of story. I know this and did it anyway. Kiss of death.
One of them did write back and engaged in stimulating conversation through the course of a Monday afternoon into evening. The other never replied. With the man who did reply, conversation became bland at some point and he stopped asking questions. I mentioned to him that our match percentage was exceptionally high and asked what he thought of that. He said he subscribed no belief to the system and it seemingly ended the conversation.
I had already made the two missteps of texting first as well as keeping the conversation going, so I stopped at that point and didn’t reply to him. Surprisingly, he sent a text to ask me out the next day and we agreed to a date/time to meet.
A point of note regarding this man (he was the 98% match), I liked the way his photos looked and the way he smiled, but wasn’t swooning over his looks. I chose not to ask him to exchange more photos to get a better look – normally I always do so before a date. There was no flirting, not one iota, none. I would say that’s atypical behavior for me. Most men flirt and I am a prolific flirt. There was none of that with this man. All conversation was polite and above-board. He was born and raised in Indiana, traveled the world, and landed in the city some 15 years ago. He is 48, never married and no children, but comes from a large and close family unit.
Out of curiosity, I went into the questions to see what the 2% missing was…and one of the few questions we didn’t match on was “Do you think glasses are attractive?” His answer (because he wears glasses) was “Yes, absolutely!” While my answer was “It doesn’t matter to me.” Like I said, some of these questions that cause match/no match are quite silly. I didn’t answer many hard-hitting religious or political questions because those things don’t actually matter to me and I prefer not to engage in those discussions early on, if ever. Politics and religion don’t hold any interest for me. We were virtually a 100% match on our sexual and lifestyle questions. Again, nothing more than general curiosity drove me to look further into how we had answered these questions.
I wasn’t especially excited about the date and, unfortunately, this is my general feeling of apathy these days to dating. What I did like about him was his suggestions where to go (all cool, close to my work hangouts) and the thoughtful approach to which he considered time/place and his consistent communication. I may not have been excited, but his behavior was impeccable.
Upon meeting, he had a lovely and open smile and we had an easy enough conversation. First impression, he was not physically my type. However, he was very well dressed and had an innate sense of style. He appreciated my sexy shoes immediately. We had plenty of similar interests, both local and abroad. I found him gracious and engaging. He took pride in his family and particularly his nephews. He didn’t shy away from asking about my kids. We had a few drinks over the first two hours before he suggested moving bars. Time had passed with relative ease.
Normally, when a date moves from the first bar to the next, I have come to expect this is when the man will offer dinner. This didn’t happen, which I thought of in passing and I’m simply making a note of it now. The second bar he chose was a fantastic rooftop bar with amazing views and great cocktails. We spent another two hours together there.
The conversation took a very interesting turn in the second bar. It all stemmed from the two questions he asked me:
- Why didn’t my marriage ultimately work?
- What did I like about my 8 month relationship
Simple questions with big answers, and no simple way to encapsulate them.
But, he was easy to talk to without over-talking, and I found a good middle road by answering both questions at once.
My x was not kind, loving, respectful or sexual with me. My 8-month relationship was all of those things tied up in a neat bow. I would like to find myself in another relationship where I am allowed to grow and be myself and have a man who not only appreciates me, but supports and encourages me.
He moved closer and began rubbing my back and leg. Honestly, prior to this, I didn’t think he was that interested in me. We seemed to be new friends more than having a potential for dating. When he did this, a felt a strong undercurrent that he would be really good in bed. It was simply a feeling that washed over me. He had a atmosphere of strength about him, even if he was too thin!
He asked me a little more about sexual exploration and, again, I found myself able to answer truthfully without being a fountain of information. A truth slipped from my tongue that I didn’t know I had realized: I want to continue my sexual exploration, but I’m not so sure how much of that includes clubs or other people. I am open and uninhibited and want a man to arouse that in me. I liked that he asked me what interested me about the sex clubs and I was finally clear with myself that I loved doing what I did because I have a natural curiosity, but it was driven by the pleasure by partner derived from it.
He seemingly liked these answers as I got a little squeeze on my shoulder, a clear indicator of attraction.
My date has had much experience and I could tell throughout our conversation he was clearly an alpha in all respects. He had such a quiet confidence about him, one that grew on me as the night progressed.
He paid the bill and brought me out to the balcony and kissed me, hard and deep. His kiss was lovely and entirely unexpected. So was the depth behind it.
I was still unable to say there was actually chemistry, but he intrigued me on a different level somehow.
He walked me down to my car and said goodnight. I sent a text later to say “Thank You” and he asked me if I would like to go out again, perhaps closer to his neighborhood.
I am writing this post 2 days after the date and I still can’t really articulate what I think about this man. My girlfriend has been relentless with questions because she can’t understand why I am not more impressed with him. I don’t know why I am not more interested actually and just can’t seem to nail it down. I fear some of my detachment seeped into the date and perhaps he picked up on it? I don’t know. He had every qualification I look for, every single one, except for being rail thin. Could the physical aspect be that much of a deterrent to me?
Yes, he is 6 ft tall, but he is thin. I have never liked a thin man. He is solid as a rock, but his legs are probably half the size of mine. He is handsome in a non-traditional way and I wonder if his eccentricity is throws me off a bit as I tend to that All-American boy look. He is more experienced than me in many, many things – in life in general. Would this dissuade him from being interested in pursuing me? Perhaps. While I spent my time raising a family, he was traveling the world, dating and living a different style of life. I think I would enjoy having someone who is more worldly than I, but it’s possible I was too prosaic for him.
Here is another interesting thing I learned about myself on this date, and I find it enlightening that it surfaced during a date. I realized that it didn’t matter to me if he had been with playboy playmates or models in his past, if he was going to be with me (in the carnal sense) then he got what he got in me and I’m now perfectly happy with what I can provide to a man. I am no longer jealous of how sexy or beautiful previous partners may have been because I have finally realized that I am sexy and beautiful too, in my own fabulous M way, as only I can be. If a man is really interested in me and adores me, I will never worry about what came before me again. I learned this lesson last summer and I guess I didn’t realize what a profoundly excellent effect it had on me. It’s nice to finally feel I am enough as I am. The man who wants me isn’t going to compare me to every woman who came before me, he will want me for me.
So where does this leave this man and I? No clue.
Maybe he will ghost me, I have a feeling maybe he won’t, at least not entirely. Maybe we will go out again. There is something here, I just don’t know what it is.
So, we shall see.
Either way, it’s fine.
Oh, and the second guy (94%) I reached out to never contacted me, but the third high match (92%) did reach out to me and made a date…which he subsequently cancelled and rescheduled.
I’m not holding my breath.