Couch to 5k – Week 3

Week 3

Day 1 – Friday

Considering I had less than 4 hours of sleep there was no way I getting out of bed early to exercise.  I had consumed too much alcohol the night before. That also meant I was in bed asleep by 7pm.

I also had pizza for lunch.

Not a good day in terms of diet and exercise.

Does great sex count?  I’m pretty sure I burned off some quality calories that night!

I can’t count today as a wash…I ate pizza, drank Prosecco and had amazing sex.  Score!


Day 2/3 – Saturday / Sunday

Saturday was beautiful and I kept telling myself I would get outside but I was super lazy in the morning. I was productive within the house and at least got the 5k routine in today.

My eating was back on track and I had a lovely self-care day with my hair, massage and pedicure appointments.   My mind drifted all day and it felt good to be so selfish.

Sunday proved to be another gorgeous day and I got in a fantastic 6 mile walk.  About 4 miles in I decided I would try the 5k routine and I embarrassed myself.  By the third run I was huffing and puffing, I couldn’t get any rhythm and by the 4th run I think I ran 30 seconds and threw in the towel.  I realize that running outside is harder than running on the treadmill but at least this time my pants stayed up.


Day 4 – Monday

My first fast day, so I needed to wake up and exercise as I wouldn’t be able to after a full day of no-eating.

Did I do it?  No. Of course I didn’t. I went back to sleep for another almost 2 hours.

I did fast all day and felt great. But when a friend wanted to walk and I didn’t want to turn it down, I ate a yummy salad of avocado and almonds thereby blowing the fast day. Either way, it was a super healthy meal and I needed the fuel for the 5.5 mile walk with my fun friend!

Unfortunately I had an awful evening of sleep…too much on my mind.

Day 5 – Tuesday

I am feeling great about my progress this week in terms of just getting out and doing it.  I walked another 4 miles.

I admit to being taunted by the 5k…I should have tried it again tonight but I avoided it.

I have to get it straight in my mind that I do truly want to run the 5k in June and in order to do so, I have to practice.

As I was walking my pants started to slide again and I wanted to scream because these were different pants.  But this time I had the drawstring inside to tighten them and was able to keep the butt crack properly hidden!  I swear the gear thing is a real pain – these pants didn’t have a big enough pocket for the iPhone 6 and I kept feeling like it would fall out of the narrow back pocket, but it didn’t.

My eating was awesome today as well, and that always makes me happy.


Day 6 – Wednesday

I felt a nice burn in my upper thighs this morning from the fast pace walk last evening and it was nice to begin to feel my muscles wanting to take shape under my skin.  It makes me think of how great that feels when I am having sex…and I can feel the strength in my legs.

Tonight was a planned date night so no exercise.

Day 7 – Thursday

Another planned date night, so no exercise.


A much better 3rd week than the previous two and I am starting to feel more positive about the traction I am getting.

I really do love top walk and walk outside in the good weather.  While I know this isn’t enough to really gain muscle, I enjoy it and have to focus on the motivation it does give me.  I am hoping that a few more weeks of walking and the 5k app and I will be appropriately inspired to try some strength training.

My eating was fantastic this week though my coffee consumption was too high.  I am anxious at work and drinking to much coffee.  At least I am not eating.  I also reduced my alcohol intake because I didn’t go on really long dates! I suppose there is a benefit to the short date after all… short dates = less calories!

I need to get more focused on the 5k app…I have only successfully completed 5 days and didn’t complete the 6th.  My goal should be to do 2-3 of the 5k days a week so I have a shot in hell at running that 5k in June.

The best news, I am down another 2 pounds this week.

That means all my extra weight I gained from the breakup/vacation/bed rest is now off and I am back to where I was last November.  I had gotten a lot lower when I was really sick, but that only came off because I wasn’t eating at all.  I feel good about starting a sincere weight loss each week now.

I liked my fast day and plan to do another next week!

All in all, a very successful week!

Go, me!



By the time we actually left the bar, it was late, well past 1am.

There was the possibility when we arrived to my home we would just fall asleep.  We entertained that idea for a while.  Then pretty much laughed it off.  The intensity of the last kiss by the bar was too overwhelming, for both of us.

I wasn’t sure what to expect and I took this as a good thing.  I wasn’t comparing him to anyone and I was in a space where I was happy to let things happen as they may.  I already knew that taking him home potentially ruins every chance there was for any sincere relationship to occur.

He was more thoughtful than I was.  I wanted to have sex, and while he did as well, he wanted to respect me and wait.  He was afraid if we had sex that he wouldn’t feel the same the next day.  I was taking a huge risk.

Those were his words.

Some little earworm kept telling me he was full of shit – while I think he would have waited, there was something else there telling me just fuck it and have sex.  Let’s see if he’s all talk.

M being M, I did it anyway.  I know why I did it.  I was too horny, it had been too long since I had felt this way and I clearly have difficulty controlling my impulsive side.  I also wasn’t really sure how physically attracted to him I was.  Turning on my libido is not an immensely difficult thing to do once I’m drinking, especially once I drank as much as I had that evening.  My first physical reaction to him was “I’m not so sure about this.”   Is it possible I was self-sabotaging?  He was a great catch and I was trying to ensure I couldn’t catch him?  Maybe I was testing myself.  I’m not really sure I have the answers here but I knew full well I could be making a huge mistake.

I’m a risk taker.  Not always a smart one, either.  I did what felt right turned me on at the time.

When we arrived home, I knew he was starving so I quickly took out the frying pan and before he knew what was happening, I made him an egg, cheese and pork roll sandwich.  Let me tell you, there is nothing better than this sandwich when you are drunk or hung over, just nothing.  If a woman is going to win her way into a man’s heart I’m pretty sure all you need to do is feed him this sandwich.

He was thrilled and again, showered me with compliments that I would cook something for him in the middle of the night.

We laughed and ate our sandwiches between kisses.

By the time we got into bed it was late.  There was a fleeting moment where I entertained the idea of simply saying goodnight to him and I’m certain he would have accepted it from me and remained a gentleman.  But, then he took off his shirt.  For 48 years old, his arms and shoulders made me melt.  There was no way I wasn’t grabbing on to them tonight.

He was all about pleasing me.  For hours, it seemed.  He wouldn’t even let me think of doing anything for him.  There wasn’t an inch of skin on my body that wasn’t attended to over and over.  His kisses were like silk and his tongue sending jolts of electricity through to my core.  Skilled doesn’t quite cover his expertise with his tongue.  The way he satisfied me was beyond compare.  Somehow, he found the keys to my body and unlocked those not-so-easy to come by orgasms one after the other until I was a pile of jelly on my bed.  I had no choice but to lie back and enjoy his attention.  He wanted nothing from me.  Honestly, I didn’t even know what was between his legs for a very, very long time.

When he did finally come up for air and I was able to explore him, I think I died and went to heaven.  His cock was beautiful.  Thick and long.  I couldn’t wait to wrap my mouth around it.  We fooled around a bit and then it just sort of ended, for probably no other reason than we were exhausted.  We didn’t cuddle.  I passed out.

An hour or so later, I was woken up again, his hard cock pressed against my leg and his hands roaming my body.  I was delirious but rolled over and climbed on top of him.  It’s been too long since I enjoyed this position.  It was glorious.  Dreamy sex is the best when you are half delirious.

We fell back to sleep yet again and woke entangled in one another.  He went down on me again for some time and I begged him to come and fuck me.  He was more than ready to oblige.  The morning sex was as good as the other times during the night, no it was better.  Longer and deeper and more sensuous.  He doesn’t make any sounds which makes me a bit sad, I like loud sex.  When he came it was so quiet and intense.  He asked if he could stay on top of me for a bit and just hold me and I was happy lying under him within his strong grasp.

It wasn’t long before we started kissing again and I asked him if he would mind if I pulled out my vibrator.  I think I surprised myself when I asked to do this!  I was worked up from the sex and wanted to cum quickly.  He was so excited about this and asked how he could help.  He sucked on my nipples and used his amazing fingers while I worked the Hitachi.  It didn’t take long to join him in bliss.  We lie together for a while and then he excused himself to leave.

It wasn’t until I was in the shower that I realized I hadn’t shaved my legs for at least a week!  I was also peeling horribly from my sunburn from vacation a couple of weeks back!  Yuck!  I laughed at myself because I would never have had sex if I had thought of that before hand!  Clearly, he didn’t seem to mind.  Or even if he did – he didn’t say a word about it.

I sent him a text a few hours later to see if his drive home (his family lives several hours away and he goes home on the weekends) and he called me immediately.  He said so many lovely and encouraging things about our evening and asked when he could see me again.  We agreed on my free night next week.

I heard from him again, later that evening, but I was too tired to reply to the text.  All he said was “I’m totally not thinking of sex” in reference to the joke we made at the bar that sex was all he had on his mind.

I replied to the text the next morning and we had a very light back and forth, nothing of significance.

I found myself thinking of him throughout the day.  I found myself going over our conversations and thinking over if I made the fatal mistake or not.

Up to this point, I didn’t feel that I had made the mistake.  His behaviors and speech didn’t indicate there was any problem.  He was already making plans for the upcoming date.

I admit, this is the first second third time I (sort-of) regret jumping into bed with a potential suitor.  He was worth exploring and I probably have shot myself in the foot. Not everything was perfect about our connection, but I think there was possibility.

In fact, if I am really honest in hindsight – although I slept with him, he was the one bringing up sex continually.  He alluded to the fact that the logistics between us would make it difficult to have any other kind of relationship.

I can’t undo what’s been done.

One thing I do know….it’s the first time in 5 months I haven’t cried and enjoyed every minute of my evening.

Sex was so good.




The Dopamine Hit

The magnet pulls you in and the attraction fuels your blood to somehow flow faster.


It’s undeniable and, while not impossible to find, it is quite elusive in its own way.

I knew we had it the moment we spoke on the phone.  His low growl ripped through me and I felt it in my groin.  My heart raced.  I breathed in deeply, slowed myself down as much as possible and reminded myself that no good comes from racing to the finish line.

But then I gave in and committed to a date for the same evening we first spoke on the phone …. not sure that was the best idea considering I had to cancel a therapy appointment to do so, but I threw caution to the wind.

I haven’t felt like this in months.  I started to get excited.

We met at a city bar and fell into an easy banter.  I wasn’t impressed with his looks initially, so that helped me to slow my roll a bit.  He was obviously nervous which doesn’t always sit well for me as it could indicate softness which I don’t like.   The place was crowded with good-looking people and loud, filled with all-ages after work Happy Hour.  You can’t get much cooler than a basement speakeasy.

We had to lean in close to hear one another, forcing our knees to link between the others.  I could hear him inhale me each time he leaned his head in to listen to me.  He had a lot of sexual innuendo and I teased him about it.  He has such a broad and dynamic background that there was plenty to speak about other than sex, but he couldn’t seem to divert his mind long enough not to make some type of reference to sex.  We played a silly game that he couldn’t make it through 10 minutes without the sexual reference and he lost time after time for one reason or the other.  I love this kind of banter, it always invigorates me and keeps me on my feet.  I light up when I get to flirt like this.

I also know I am walking a fine line.  While he said he didn’t want it to be about sex, that he really and truly wanted a relationship, he was fascinated with the high % match we had in the sex and dating categories on OKC so the conversation kept turning.

If he was so interested in a relationship and the high % match we had, why did he keep going down the same path.  I honestly did not lead with sex (as I have done many times) and tried to get us to make light of it.

We were eventually able to move from our bar stool perch to a comfortable couch along one side of the room.  It was perfect to sit close and people watch.  We ordered more drinks and a little cheese plate.    We kept talking.  The conversation meandered for hours, I don’t even know how long.  We had arrived at the bar around 6ish and didn’t leave until after 1am.  There wasn’t a moment of uncomfortable silence.

I did stop for a minute and thought “end this date now M, or you are heading for a night of trouble.”  I didn’t.  We kept talking.

He is in a place where he wants a serious relationship. As in, tomorrow.  This makes me a bit nervous.  He has some pretty clear ideas about what he wants from a woman in a dating relationship, and while I probably cover most of them at first glance, it was still only a first date and I just got the feeling he might push me too fast forward.  As much as I love all the trappings of a relationship I maintain that I don’t think I am ready to commit to anyone fully just yet.  He is looking for “the one” he goes into the sunset with.

I feel like that’s a tall order for any first date.

He seems to have a certain “ideal” he is looking for.  Sometimes I felt like I was being interviewed for the role of perfect girlfriend.

I learned that his father had died a mere 8 days before.  While I was able to share in his pain, it was still a relatively uncomfortable conversation for a first date.  We spoke a little bit about it, he had a few tears and then we moved forward.    It’s not that I am not entirely sympathetic to his situation, but we were in a loud, crowded bar on a first date and we were certainly almost drunk at this point…it wasn’t the right time and place for me to be consoling him. I felt so badly for him.  The pain of losing a parent is just so raw in the beginning.  In hindsight, I am surprised he was out dating.

At some point, the kissing began.  And. Oh. Fuck. Could. He. Kiss.  I mean, really, really kiss those full mouthed, thick tongue, deep kisses I so adore.  His hands lacing through my hair and pulling my head in close, the authority in which he navigated the kiss was intense.  I could feel the strength ripple through his chest and arms as my hands slid down his muscled back.  My head started to swim.  I love PDA and it had been way too long since I had gotten to play like this.  The tension and electricity between us rose distinctly, especially since he finally calmed down enough to ask me all the questions he had been clearly dying for answers to earlier in the day.

He said I confused him.  He didn’t expect me to be so sexually powerful but a lady at the same time.  He didn’t expect the intelligence and beauty.  He was extraordinarily complimentary to me at this point.  I just wanted to kiss more.  I was definitely swooning a little bit.  He had grown on me.  Not fully, but enough to get my juices flowing.

He said quite a few things about me that reminded me of my previous relationship.  I know I have a certain brand of empathy with men, and I know how to get type-A men to slow down and think about things differently and I have been complimented on this many, many times.  He picked up on this very quickly about me.  I found that interesting.  He was paying close attention.  Too close perhaps.

But something wasn’t  aligning for me, even looking back I can’t put my finger on it.  While sometimes we may say people’s words and actions don’t match, his words actually didn’t align.  He would say one thing and then say something contradictory a bit later.  I felt like he was interested in me, but the stronger sense was that he was interested in sex with me.

Now that the conversation had turned sexual we discussed sleeping together on the first date.  He told me he couldn’t do it because he couldn’t just do casual sex and wouldn’t respect me the next day…that’s just how it worked for him.  I disagreed with him on this and we had a little back and forth.  It wasn’t so much that I disagreed with his point of view, but the way he presented it.  He was so set in his opinion that he wasn’t open to mine.  Then he just insisted I was saying that because I was drunk.  And he pushed the envelope a bit with this….I didn’t like it and I told him so.  And, then he didn’t like that I told him so.

He also told me a little story about the last girl he dated and how she was back on OKC the next day and it upset him enough that he wouldn’t see her again because he was ready to be serious.  When he called her out on it, she replied that it was only their first date and he should “slow down”  That didn’t sit well with him.  When I asked him why he was on OKC…that he could only be on the app for the same reason she was or he was checking up on her…he didn’t like that and tried to back-pedal his way out of replying.  Ah, touche.

Something clicked here and it was time to go so I stood, said goodbye, and ordered my Uber.

I was a little mad – the chemistry and connection were fantastic and he was drunk.  But I made my points and chose my path so I continued to exit the bar.

He came right out behind me and pushed me against the wall and told me to cancel my Uber because he was taking me home. Then he kissed me, hard.  Really hard.

That’s it. Over and out.

I was done.

Libido stomped on any common sense and threw it right out the door and locked it tight so it couldn’t possibly get back in.

He was coming home with me.








Undeniable Chemistry

Another high match on OKC, 95% this time.

Handsome, very tall and built.  Boom!

Great education and, as a first, wrote in his profile that he is looking for a relationship.  I believe he even mentioned he was ready to be vulnerable.

He wrote first and I could tell he didn’t have the savvy of an experienced on-line dater.  The dating app text were short, but inquisitive.  He asked me out after 5-6 text.  (see last post!)

I declined and suggested we move to regular text and he agreed.  We went back and forth a bit before he suggested we speak on the phone.

I already knew this was moving too fast.

And then he called.

That voice.  It went straight through me.  Articulate, well-educated and kind.  He had a sexy growl.

Damn growls gets me every time.

What is it with two people when the conversation flows so easily?  When there is banter, laughter and sexual innuendo woven through and entire conversation that never quite crosses the line to inappropriate.  When both parties are clearly listening and focused intently on the other?  Where does that instantaneous chemistry come from and why is it so elusive?

I knew from the first few sentences that I would be excited to meet him.

He asked me out quickly, too quickly perhaps because it was the first phone call and he wanted to take me out in a few hours after work that same evening.  I had a therapist appointment planned and promised myself I wouldn’t be missing another evening of working out.

The longer we talked, the more we connected.  We had similar taste in lifestyle, aligned in our family beliefs and worldly desires in life go forward.  The dialogue was easy and natural.  I could tell he was a little nervous, he really seemed to want to ask me more and more questions each time I would answer something that we were aligned on.  Almost as though he couldn’t believe we had so much in common.

I will say he was a breath of fresh air after so long.

But what started to make me nervous was my response to him.  I could tell I was getting ahead of myself and getting excited.  This man pretty much ticked all the boxes and I hadn’t even met him yet.

He was handsome, but not exactly “my type” of handsome so what was I getting myself worked up over if I didn’t dig him in person?

Not only that, he was assertive about “finding the one” and getting into a relationship.  He seemed to have a specific list of criteria he was matching me against.

We ended our conversation with him asking me once again to cancel my evening plans to spend with him …. he would be happy to drive me home later in the evening so I didn’t have to worry about the commute.

I hung up the phone and spoke to my girlfriends about it.  They know how down in the dumps I have been and thought this was a perfect reason to go out and be adored and admired.  They made reservations for us at a hip bar with amazing cocktails and I sent him a text to say “ok, I’m in, meet you at 6pm”

He answered immediately and was thrilled.

I was excited, but still unsure.  Why was I hesitating?  Am I scared to jump in or just more aware of moving too fast?  There was something about him I hadn’t yet put my finger on, and I was ignoring my better sense.  Either way, I accepted a date very quickly and had made the commitment for the evening.



EVERYONE Needs an Urban Dictionary Name

Late last night I was reading an article on Masturbation (does that surprise you?)

In the article it said something like “Omg you’re such a Madeline!”

And, I was like “WTF?”  I have a description?

So, I googled my Urban Dictionary definition and spent the next half hour laughing hysterically to myself!

Go ahead…google yours…see what you get!


How a Date Can Be Doomed Before It Starts

I have learned the hard way not to do a few very specific things when attempting to set up dates on-line:

  1. Do not go straight to texting, give yourself a little time to feel comfortable.
  2. Never go on a date after just a couple of text, learn something.
  3. Do not text endlessly until you meet the man, you need to get to know them in person and have something to talk about.

I have made these mistakes a number of times and it never works out.  It’s worth the little bit of effort it takes to text a little, chat a little, exchange more photos and then meet for a drink.

Know what you are getting, people.

I could write a much bigger list of not-to-do’s but this will suffice for now.  (and, honestly, friends, I am still making tons of dating mistakes so I would rather not highlight that fact at the moment!)  Today is about communication in particular, speaking to someone too much before a first date.

You do one of two things – either you set yourself up for a fall, or you set yourself up for a fall.  Ha.  That’s about it.

If you speak to them too much before the first date you could like them a whole lot. Then you meet in person and there is no chemistry.  Dead.  Over. Letdown.

Or, you can speak to them too much before the first date and start to hear things you don’t like and get you sort of turned off before you even meet, already starting the unintentional process of elimination in your head.

Case in point, I met a man on Bumble, we chatted a bit and switched to text.  We were due to go out in a few days, but he cancelled our first date with plenty of notice and rescheduled for a week later.  Although his reason for cancelling didn’t seem flaky, I just assumed he would disappear.  However, he did reschedule based on my availability for the next week.  A day or so after the cancellation he wrote again and asked me for a phone conversation.

Now, my friends and I disagree on the phone conversation thing.  Several of my friends say that only men in their mid to late 40s want to talk on the phone, those silly Gen X’ers (which means 1965-1984, so it actually covers more than 40 year olds!) However, my friends who state this neglect to realize that, while they may be younger than me, they are still in the same generational bracket!  However, they have a lot more dating experience in the Millennial generation (which the media designates as the worst generation ever!) and I suppose this is one of those crappy Millennial things – no one wants to speak on the phone anymore.

Anyway, I agreed and we chatted for a while.  There was a lot to like about this man, a whole lot.  He was handsome, well-educated, fantastic job, well-traveled, divorced, and super intelligent.  There was really nothing not to like about him, he met all of my criteria.  His communication was consistent and good and had just enough peppering of sweet.

Then we spoke.  I heard an almost-effeminate purr in his voice.  He called his son his “little angel.”  He is a creative type and I understand creatives tend to be a little airy at times but he spoke about the quality of his next relationship in terms of soulmate. I started to back-pedal because I interpreted all of this as soft.

Soft is not for me.

He asked me where I would like to go, suggesting a few places and we agreed upon a perfect location – hip and romantic at the same time.  A very cool locale.

So, except for the interpretation I made of him….he really is perfect on paper.

But now I have this earworm telling me he is soft and I don’t know how to get rid of that.

So, we shall see how this date goes and if an in person meeting changes my initial perspective.

He has been quite consistent to send at least one sweet text each day, but no more than that…which is a good thing.

There is a glimmer of hope.  He is a lovely man.

well, until I showed my dad his photo (just by way of conversation) and he frowned and exclaimed  “Maddy, he’s not for you, he’s gay!”

My Dad, the truck driver.





The 98% Match

I was just about to delete the OKC app when I realized I had forgotten to disable the auto-pay and renewed my subscription for another 3 months.

I figured, oh well, better make some use of this app after all.

I decided to loosen all my search criteria and narrow down to a few parameters only.  Interestingly enough, when I did this, some decent matches opened  up. I suppose that shows reducing the match qualifications (at least initially) is a better idea than being too strict.

OKC works on a question-matching system.  Although some people may call it an algorithm, it is, in fact, not an algorithm.  It’s simply a matching system with some weight thrown in on the importance of that question to you, which is fluffy compatibility no-science-science based on physical attraction and common interests (as if mutual love of horror films has anything to do with anything).

I know some people subscribe to the belief that these questions should help promote compatibility, but the bare bones facts remain: you must be physically attracted to your match regardless of the % and then the all-mighty and ever elusive chemistry must come into play.

What did this mean to me?  Easy – if I don’t like the photos and the initial text chemistry, match % is irrelevant because I wasn’t attracted to them.  Period.

In this case, I matched with 3 men that were not only physically appealing, but had a very high match percentage.  One was 98%, the next was 94% and the last 92%.  Two of them were Midwest transplants to the city, and one was more local to my hometown.  The prospects seemed good.

I chose to message the two Midwest transplants first, which generally is a bozo no-no.  If the man is interested, he will text.  Period.  End of story.  I know this and did it anyway.  Kiss of death.

One of them did write back and engaged in stimulating conversation through the course of a Monday afternoon into evening.  The other never replied.  With the man who did reply, conversation became bland at some point and he stopped asking questions.  I mentioned to him that our match percentage was exceptionally high and asked what he thought of that.  He said he subscribed no belief to the system and it seemingly ended the conversation.

I had already made the two missteps of texting first as well as keeping the conversation going, so I stopped at that point and didn’t reply to him.  Surprisingly, he sent a text to ask me out the next day and we agreed to a date/time to meet.

A point of note regarding this man (he was the 98% match), I liked the way his photos looked and the way he smiled, but wasn’t swooning over his looks.  I chose not to ask him to exchange more photos to get a better look – normally I always do so before a date.  There was no flirting, not one iota, none.  I would say that’s atypical behavior for me.  Most men flirt and I am a prolific flirt.  There was none of that with this man.  All conversation was polite and above-board.  He was born and raised in Indiana, traveled the world, and landed in the city some 15 years ago.  He is 48, never married and no children, but comes from a large and close family unit.

Out of curiosity, I went into the questions to see what the 2% missing was…and one of the few questions we didn’t match on was “Do you think glasses are attractive?”  His answer (because he wears glasses) was “Yes, absolutely!”  While my answer was “It doesn’t matter to me.”  Like I said, some of these questions that cause match/no match are quite silly.  I didn’t answer many hard-hitting religious or political questions because those things don’t actually matter to me and I prefer not to engage in those discussions early on, if ever.  Politics and religion don’t  hold any interest for me.  We were virtually a 100% match on our sexual and lifestyle questions.    Again, nothing more than general curiosity drove me to look further into how we had answered these questions.

I wasn’t especially excited about the date and, unfortunately, this is my general feeling of apathy these days to dating.  What I did like about him was his suggestions where to go (all cool, close to my work hangouts) and the thoughtful approach to which he considered time/place and his consistent communication.  I may not have been excited, but his behavior was impeccable.

Upon meeting, he had a lovely and open smile and we had an easy enough conversation.  First impression, he was not physically my type.  However, he was very well dressed and had an innate sense of style.  He appreciated my sexy shoes immediately.  We had plenty of similar interests, both local and abroad.  I found him gracious and engaging.  He took pride in his family and particularly his nephews.  He didn’t shy away from asking about my kids.  We had a few drinks over the first two hours before he suggested moving bars. Time had passed with relative ease.

Normally, when a date moves from the first bar to the next, I have come to expect this is when the man will offer dinner.  This didn’t happen, which I thought of in passing and I’m simply making a note of it now.  The second bar he chose was a fantastic rooftop bar with amazing views and great cocktails.  We spent another two hours together there.

The conversation took a very interesting turn in the second bar.  It all stemmed from the two questions he asked me:

  1. Why didn’t my marriage ultimately work?
  2. What did I like about my 8 month relationship

Simple questions with big answers, and no simple way to encapsulate them.

But, he was easy to talk to without over-talking, and I found a good middle road by answering both questions at once.

My x was not kind, loving, respectful or sexual with me.  My 8-month relationship was all of those things tied up in a neat bow.  I would like to find myself in another relationship where I am allowed to grow and be myself and have a man who not only appreciates me, but supports and encourages me.

He moved closer and began rubbing my back and leg.  Honestly, prior to this, I didn’t think he was that interested in me.  We seemed to be new friends more than having a potential for dating.  When he did this, a felt a strong undercurrent that he would be really good in bed.  It was simply a feeling that washed over me.  He had a atmosphere of strength about him, even if he was too thin!

He asked me a little more about sexual exploration and, again, I found myself able to answer truthfully without being a fountain of information.  A truth slipped from my tongue that I didn’t know I had realized: I want to continue my sexual exploration, but I’m not so sure how much of that includes clubs or other people.  I am open and uninhibited and want a man to arouse that in me.  I liked that he asked me what interested me about the sex clubs and I was finally clear with myself that I loved doing what I did because I have a natural curiosity, but it was driven by the pleasure by partner derived from it.

He seemingly liked these answers as I got a little squeeze on my shoulder, a clear indicator of attraction.

My date has had much experience and I could tell throughout our conversation he was clearly an alpha in all respects.  He had such a quiet confidence about him, one that grew on me as the night progressed.

He paid the bill and brought me out to the balcony and kissed me, hard and deep.  His kiss was lovely and entirely unexpected.  So was the depth behind it.

I was still unable to say there was actually chemistry, but he intrigued me on a different level somehow.

He walked me down to my car and said goodnight.  I sent a text later to say “Thank You” and he asked me if I would like to go out again, perhaps closer to his neighborhood.

I am writing this post 2 days after the date and I still can’t really articulate what I think about this man.  My girlfriend has been relentless with questions because she can’t understand why I am not more impressed with him.  I don’t know why I am not more interested actually and just can’t seem to nail it down.  I fear some of my detachment seeped into the date and perhaps he picked up on it?  I don’t know.  He had every qualification I look for, every single one, except for being rail thin.  Could the physical aspect be that much of a deterrent to me?

Yes, he is 6 ft tall, but he is thin.  I have never liked a thin man.  He is solid as a rock, but his legs are probably half the size of mine.  He is handsome in a non-traditional way and I wonder if his eccentricity is throws me off a bit as I tend to that All-American boy look.  He is more experienced than me in many, many things – in life in general.  Would this dissuade him from being interested in pursuing me?  Perhaps.  While I spent my time raising a family, he was traveling the world, dating and living a different style of life.  I think I would enjoy having someone who is more worldly than I, but it’s possible I was too prosaic for him.

Here is another interesting thing I learned about myself on this date, and I find it enlightening that it surfaced during a date.    I realized that it didn’t matter to me if he had been with playboy playmates or models in his past, if he was going to be with me (in the carnal sense) then he got what he got in me and I’m now perfectly happy with what I can provide to a man.  I am no longer jealous of how sexy or beautiful previous partners may have been because I have finally realized that I am sexy and beautiful too, in my own fabulous M way, as only I can be.  If a man is really interested in me and adores me, I will never worry about what came before me again.  I learned this lesson last summer and I guess I didn’t realize what a profoundly excellent effect it had on me.   It’s nice to finally feel I am enough as I am.  The man who wants me isn’t going to compare me to every woman who came before me, he will want me for me.

So where does this leave this man and I?  No clue.

Maybe he will ghost me, I have a feeling maybe he won’t, at least not entirely.  Maybe we will go out again.  There is something here, I just don’t know what it is.

So, we shall see.

Or not.

Either way, it’s fine.

Oh, and the second guy (94%) I reached out to never contacted me, but the third high match (92%) did reach out to me and made a date…which he subsequently cancelled and rescheduled.

I’m not holding my breath.

For anyone.




Couch to 5k – Week 2

Week 2

Day 1 – Friday

I had a weird cramp earlier this week in my right leg and it woke me again early this morning.  better safe than sorry, I decided to call the doctor.  I went for a quick scan and found there are no new blood clots and nothing that should be creating the cramp from my previous concerns.  The doctor thinks (like Marty) maybe I am trying to take on too much too soon with the exercise and to slow it down and be sure I hydrate more often.

I am to be off my feet for a few days.

That officially derails my 28 day plan. Boo

(oh and like I’m really sorry I can’t exercise a few days…not!)

Ok, this just means I keep eating properly and I can start exercise on Monday again.

Day 2/3 – Saturday / Sunday

Easy because I don’t even need to feel guilty.  But what about tomorrow?  The thought of rising early makes me already not even want to start.

I did have a pang of guilt ask watched my sons soccer game (of which he played 6 minutes)  and saw a woman getting her laps in around the track   I could have done that  …. Easily.   But I wasn’t supposed to so I will leave it at that.

My eating sucked all weekend, there were just too many things going on to be strict.

Day 4 – Monday

I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I have no excuse, really.  My eating was spot on but exhaustion took over and I neither made it out of bed early enough or home early enough to work out.  I was in bed asleep at 8:30pm.  I feel troubled this week,

Day 5 – Tuesday

The good news is that I woke with a much better attitude today and have convinced myself I must have needed the rest for whatever reason I needed it.

The overall feeling of sadness didn’t entirely life but at least I felt capable today.

I got home and got dressed all the whole debating myself should I/shouldn’t I/must I?! I did it though, got out in the daylight and put on the app.

I finish my 5 minute warm up walk and start the first jog and what the hell happens to me? My pants fall down!  Well, slip down. I pull them all the way up under my boobs just about and keep going. Nope. They are just not staying up. God damn it.

I can turn around and go home to change pants or keep going. If I go home I bet I don’t make it back out. This debate goes on for a few minutes and now I’m too far to turn back around. I do a regular 4 mile walk with no run.

Ok, it’s something. Clearly I need better thought to the pants I wear on cooler evenings!  No one wants to see butt crack!

I felt good but I still hate it. I’m not so sure all that time alone in my head is even good for me. I think too much. Of the wrong things

Day 6 – Wednesday

I am pretty certain this nonsense only happens to me.  I set the alarm for 5:50am and rolled over to shut it off when I heard someone in the house using the bathroom and heading downstairs.  My youngest son decided to get up in the morning and go on the treadmill?  What the heck?    He was on for about 20 minutes, but by then it was too late for me to start.  Ah, at least I got an extra hour sleep.

I did make it home and jump on after picking up my son from soccer practice and before a 2 hour conference call.

Today started 1 minute 20 seconds of running…seriously, I think I might die the longer I have to run!  I have no rhythm, I nearly tripped running too close to the front of the treadmill and knocked over my bottle of water!  But I did the work and made it through another day of that app.


Day 7 – Thursday

Set the alarm to get up early and guess who didn’t.  I really hate mornings.

Our babysitter just ran a marathon and knows I am attempting the 5k, so she said I just have to take it easy with my pace.  I asked her how fast she runs on the treadmill and she said “7.0” and I laughed and told her I was at “4.5….was that slow enough?!”  She sort of smirked at me and turned back to making the kids lunch.

Further, I was supposed to see the therapist tonight and cancelled a therapy appointment in favor of a drink…and of course, one drink turned into many, many drinks and a fun and crazy night.  I probably consumed a weeks worth of calories in the “Booty Collins” I was drinking!  And of course this meant the evening clearly included no exercise.  


This is a perfect example of how I promise myself I will get started and I will do well…and then fail.  I don’t know what it takes for me to finally gain the right motivation to get it done.  Or, in other words, I don’t know what it takes for me to make a good decision for myself…like: stop mourning the loss of my last relationship and start exercising so I feel great when I start the next relationship.  Loser.  The entire key is in front of me.  I have a feeling if I can get this exercise routine started, he will start to fade from my thoughts as well.

Anyway…..I am happy I still got in 2 days of moving, even after the doctor said slow down.  I did eliminate the strength exercises this week and had no cramps.

My eating was solid and although I told myself I would fast this week, the day I chose I realized I was unprepared with the correct liquids at work, so I just kept up the shake routine.  I drank more alcohol than I should have. 

I still lost another 1.5 lbs, so I am not complaining.

I am going to consider a very soft start better than no start.


Dating in the Slow Lane

Hey, it’s not nearly as bad as I thought.


I made it through a month without dating anyone.

(Ok, that’s enough of that nonsense, time to get back out there, you need sex!)

I’m slowly (can it get any slower, really?) healing my broken heart. I don’t feel any need to rush into dating. Admittedly, I’m actually a bit more wary for the first time in my entire life.

I had something so good for once I am afraid I won’t have it again. Part of me doesn’t want to try. Knowing that’s unhealthy, I don’t intend to stay single forever….I have just realized that’s it’s really, really, really ok to be on my own.

It’s ok to be heartbroken, too.

I find the fact that I am guarded for the first time in my life a little scary.  I’m the type of girl who jumps in head first, no holds barred and I’m suddenly afraid?  Freaks me out a bit.

It also makes me a little sad…have I lost a part of myself?  Will it come back to me?

Of course I want a significant other. I love men, relationship and I love love. I want the whole idea of a true partnership that works. Two people working towards happiness together. I believe in true romance and love. I haven’t turned cynical. Maybe just a bit gun-shy.

Having a better focus for the month of April is helping. I don’t feel pressure to have a date or get out there. I no longer feel like I’m missing something. Well, except sex. I do feel like I’m missing sex and that is really the hardest part at the moment. Trying not to make more bad choices because I want to have sex isn’t easy for me. Luckily I’m somewhat cyclical and have about two weeks a month in my cycle that are tough. I can a make it through two weeks with my renewed commitment to exercise. It’s not easy but I am doing it.

I don’t believe that taking a break from dating means I improve how I focus on the things around me.  The truth is that if I can’t date AND focus on the things around me I probably have a recipe for disaster waiting to happen.  It’s sort of like saying I plan to abandon myself and my goals when I am dating someone.  My motive here was not to shut off dating, but to slow it down and make better choices.  I think I have accomplished that and gained some clarity on my needs.

I have set up some dates now, once a week, so that I can start slowly getting back into the swing of things with men would be quality choices.

I struggle daily to keep my mind from dwelling on the past and try to keep it in perspective. My time, my man, my love will come along. I don’t feel especially stressed about it.  Not stressed, but still sad….I am still not firmly implanted in acceptance.

I’ve spent more time with my kids recently since my heart has let my brain come back to the land of the living. Some days being a parent is tough and other days rewarding. I still don’t find parenting through these teens years to be especially easy – I would trade for the under 12 set any day! When the kids are little it’s just tiring. Physically tiring. But parenting older kids, teens, and one on the spectrum can be downright emotionally and mentally debilitating. I can’t just sleep it off anymore like when they were little guys. Now I truly feel like the life is being sucked from me.

I hope to get to the point where I am willing to run myself ragged with physical exercise before making bad dating decisions and I’m obviously not there yet!  I have a sincere weight goal in my mind that I want to achieve.  I want to finally become that person who is so hyper focused on a goal that they do anything to get themselves there.  For me, that seems to be all about eliminating poor relationship behaviors.

I still want sex.  This isn’t going to be an easy fight to win.

Damn it, I really, really, really want sex.  Fantastic bed-thumping up-all-night sex.


(yes, that’s just it darlings, I want to be fucked)

100 Readers, Already?

Wow…I can’t recall how long it took me the first time around to grow 100 readers to my blog!

I know when I shuttered my old blog that I was walking away from that seemingly huge number of followers…but, then I realized – how many of those people do I actually interact with?  And, maybe it was time to add some new friends to my posse!

In addition, I find that my number of views, with significantly less followers, is already about than 1/4 of what I had every day at my old blog.    This means that my readers are loyal, and are truly the ones interacting with me. Numbers are one thing, but knowing you actually have loyal followers is beyond amazing!

I was so self-absorbed at the end of last year into the beginning of this year, I could hardly keep up with my favorite bloggers, let alone comment on their posts.  Now I have found the joy in reading again, commenting, and then hoping to open a dialogue with my new and old friends.  I also know that I lost readers last year the further into my misery I descended…which ultimately helped me to realize it was just time to stop writing about it.

(Don’t let me fool you, I’m still miserable!)

Part of me wonders, will I gain a different type of following?  I haven’t started up the sex stories yet and I know that always attracts (or perhaps also detracts) a certain reading personality.  There will be sexy stories to come.  That’s my favorite bit.

How long before my crazy antics kick in and we get more of the Prosecco Chronicles?!

I don’t know.  This time around I have much less of an intentional place to start.  My marriage is almost at and end (oh-thank-fucking-God!), I am not searching for sex every day (though I would like to be having sex every day, don’t get me wrong!) and I am no longer desperate for love (well, maybe a little).  It’s just me and my every day life, as boring as that may be.

It took me almost a month just to write the “about” page.  I wasn’t sure how I wanted to represent myself.  I am still unsure if I like the new header or tag line.  I had my old one for two years and it seemed suitable for such a long time, under varying circumstances….what will get me through the next two years?

I sort of wonder what attracts readers to my blog?  Why me?

I have fully embraced the journaling/blogging process.  For me this is really one of the best platforms to get the jumble of thoughts out of my head and onto paper in a more articulate fashion.  I like to keep myself honest so I rarely edit what comes out of my head for an audience.  I will give you what’s in my head and heart, good and bad, and often times just not-so-pretty.  I love to have your feedback.  It doesn’t matter if we agree or disagree or have differing world views, as long as we are kind to one another to share our beliefs I am all for it.

Maybe this is just the long way around to say “Thanks for being here with me.  I appreciate you.”

I’m so glad you are on this journey with me.