A Date with a Silver Haired Gentleman

First, I am staying away from nicknaming him Fox, cause that didn’t work out so well for ASV.

But, he has that same aspect – a beautiful, full head of silver hair, perfectly coiffed.  He was a handsome gentleman, very well-respected in his career and just about to make that “big step” into the next level.  What he achieved is very impressive.  He is super creative, well-traveled and interesting.  I was excited about meeting him for the first time.

We originally planned a date that he ultimately cancelled.  I assumed he wouldn’t reschedule as this just seems to be the nature of things these days, but he did and was very attentive in his communication.  I found the balance of talking and texting to be just right and he showed a good level of interest.  He also selected a great bar for our first date and kept it to two hours.  All good signs.

The only negative was that I thought he was a little soft and he had an effeminate lilt to his voice.

When I arrived to the bar to meet him, he was already seated and I saw him from across the room.  I immediately thought to myself “how great that he is better looking than his photos!”   We hugged and kissed in the European style upon greeting and he was very complimentary to me.

He noticed my shoes as soon as I arrived and commented on them.  It was easy to have a discussion with him about fashion and my industry.  The fact that I thought him soft stuck with me, he was too gentle and too sweet.  I actually felt bad for thinking of this!  He was gentle, kind and wonderful and full of great things to speak about.

But I couldn’t imagine kissing him.  At all.

Epicine might be a good word to describe him.  Frail or faint.  He was actually neither of those and a 100 century biker several times a year.  I couldn’t quite get passed this over-arching feeling.

The date progressed and he now noticed my eyeshadow and commented on the pretty glitter and the way it highlighted my eyes.

Ummmmm.

We laughed and had a good time.  He asked me out for a second date and I agreed because I thought I should explore more with him.  He kept me more than interested the entire date.  He would be a great partner.  He walked me to the taxi and gave me a chaste kiss goodbye.

I was sort of glad he didn’t try more, sexy didn’t suit him and he is really slim so there wasn’t much to grab on to.

I sent text to my girlfriends to let them know how the date progressed.   I told them he was a little too soft and metro for my taste, but that he was so cool I wanted to have another date with him.

And, that’s when things got a little weird.  He was perfectly lovely and polite during our date…and fully enamored with me.  He called and sent several text during the day Friday, and I mentioned to him I was out drinking with friends and would not be sending him text as I was likely to be drunk and didn’t want to say something foolish.

Here is the chain of text messages for your entertainment:

image

image

image

image

image

Seriously….all I didn’t do was NOT call him Saturday.  I was super busy and trying to just put some space in between all his text and calls.

But his final few text just got too strange for me.  I don’t know what he wants or why.

And his sexy talk actually sent the chills up my spine.  It didn’t suit him AT ALL.

Block, delete and move on.  Again.

 

 

 

 

Couch to 5k – Week 4

Week 4

Day 1 – Friday

Planned night at the Opera so no working out for me!  However, I didn’t make it to the Opera and probably consumed way too much alcohol.

Day 2/3 – Saturday / Sunday

Saturday and Sunday  would have been ideal except my eating wasn’t so great.  I did get in over 7 miles walking and the burn in my thighs for the rest of the evening was spectacular.

Sunday my son had a soccer game and this time I was clever enough to wear my gear and walk the track while the game went on.  He doesn’t play much and I got in 5 miles (I also got a little dizzy walking 5 miles around a track!).  I also got in two sets of bleachers without much laboring in the breathing part.  Good improvement I think.

Eating was slightly better today but I sort of realize I am sabotaging myself with poor eating/drinking habits on the weekend.  I have to find a better middle ground (though I already know next weekend I will be out of control!)

I really don’t want to do the 5k program.  I don’t like running.  But I want to run the June 5k, just that one goal, one time.  I am going to give the treadmill another shot this week.

 

Day 4 – Monday

Today I fasted during the day and had an avocado salad for dinner. I was planning a walk but Dad ended up in hospital and I went to see him instead. 

Stress levels are high and I can barely move my head/neck normally.  I need to take a sleeping pill. 

Not a bad day, but I could have used the release of exercise. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.  

Day 5 -6 and 7

The rest of this week was shot. I ate poorly, probably sincerely some of the worst eating of my life.  I have never actually eaten a full pint of Ben and Jerrys but I sure did this week. 

No exercise the rest of this week at all. 

Heavy drinking and eating in the weekend as well. 

I’m also not participating in the 5k challenge so that idea is kicked to the curb. 

I have to reboot this plan and rethink about how / what I’m doing going forward. 

More to come on specifics. 

Unfortunately my weight asp popped back up 2 pounds but I know full well it’s due to stress eating.  

It seems like each time I find my mojo, major life events take over and get in my way. I truly believe I live the least normal life on the planet sometimes!  

 

 
 

Bored, Drunk and Hot Never Leads to Good Behavior

After having my crush cancel on the Opera, and then dealing with his nonsense during the day via text, all of us girls at work were pretty hyper.

Which means only one thing for all of us: drinking.

Perhaps this is why we get along so well because this crowd of work-mates is anywhere from 25-46 years old…so there is a wide breadth of ages across 7 women.

The Prosecco was procured and we started.  The afternoon was quiet and we polished off about 4 bottles or so by 5pm.  We parted ways and I went to a lovely Oyster bar with a friend for a quick bite.

I didn’t know if I wanted to stay in the city or go home – I was a bit torn since my plans had been turned upside down.  I was also in a beautiful dress and sexy-as-fuck shoes.

After the oysters, I decided to head home and meet a friend at home.  I was pleasantly buzzed at this point from all the Prosecco, but not drunk.  When I arrived to the station, there was an accident or something and the lines were out the door and it was way too hot.  I stood and waited for about 25 minutes, playing on Bumble while I was waiting.

A cute guy messaged me back immediately and asked me to meet him for a drink.  I had been standing too long in line, I was hot, and I had been drinking for hours…..my best senses were reduced to a sweaty mess and I agreed to meet him.

As it turns out, I thought I was meeting him at a bar, but it was his apartment building.  That was fine, and the area was safe, but I should have pin dropped my location to my friends.  I have to remember how to be safe and I take my safety for granted.  All the new dating technology is mind-boggling to me sometimes.  On the other hand, I love that my friends worry about me with a stranger.

He had run out and bought me a bottle of Prosecco while he was waiting for me to get there and met me outside.  I was immediately impressed that he had done so.  The rooftop of his building was really nothing short of spectacular.  I am always humbled by how beautiful my city is.  I could explore it til I die and still never see all the wonderful things it has to offer.

We hit it off immediately, he was nice-looking but perhaps not exactly what I would call handsome.  He looked a bit old for his 48 years and I realized, when he pulled out the cigarette, that was the reason.   I totally take for granted people don’t smoke anymore…I even forget to ask this question!  In my head, I just assume no smoking.  I am allergic to smoke, and my parents were heavy smokers, as is my brother and his wife, and I think it’s just gross.

So the minute he pulled out that cigarette I told him all bets were off but I would be happy to have drinks with him.  I don’t give a shit how that sounded to be honest.  Smoking is a  deal breaker for me.

He wasn’t happy about that and tried his best to convince me how he was looking to quit, kept things clean etc etc.  I still don’t care.  It’s one of the few hard lines I have.

The night progressed with lots of funny stories and we eventually made our way out to dinner.  When he asked me what I would like to eat and I replied “Lobster” he claimed he knew just the place to take me.

When I heard the name, I forewarned him that I didn’t think it was such a great idea, not my type of clientele and suggested two other restaurants in the immediate vicinity.  He was determined, I wasn’t paying, so I conceded.

Yep.  Not a good choice.  The food was fine, but it was a chain restaurant and definitely not my scene.  Once we walked in, he immediately realized his mistake and wanted to leave.  I wasn’t in the mood to backtrack several blocks and I just wanted to eat because it was late and I was now starving and almost drunk.  You can really learn a lot about a person when they don’t know how to handle themselves in a situation like this.  He didn’t want to listen to me, he made his choice, now he needed to make the best of it.  I don’t like a big baby.

I drank more at dinner.  This date was a total wash.  I wanted to leave.

But, we made it back to his apartment and started making out.  I let it go way to far.  We ended up on the bed and my dress was off.  His head was between my legs and I had a comfortable and entirely non-exciting orgasm.  He wanted to have sex without a condom at that point and I said absolutely not.   Rather than get up and get the condom, he went down on me again.  I gave him one slight direction and he actually told me to “hush, he will do it when he’s ready.”  Any man not willing to take gentle sexual direction to help a woman to achieve orgasm is a fool.  So, I let him continue for longer than he needed to and eventually I found another orgasm.  He tried again to have sex with no condom and this time, I slipped away from him.

I needed to get out of there.  I wasn’t even remotely interested in having sex with him, I allowed something to happen which I shouldn’t have, and I couldn’t possibly reciprocate when my disinterest was so apparent.

I excused myself, hurriedly dressed and sort of ran.

He called several times in the Uber on the way home but I didn’t’ answer and blocked and deleted him on the 3rd call.

I don’t feel anything, if truth be told.  I had been worked up to see My Crush since the night before, and the tension of communicating with the Crush all day had built up.  I simply needed a release.  Perhaps it was a bad choice but I don’t really care.  I had lobster for dinner and a gorgeous city view while sipping Prosecco on a warm Spring evening.

Bumble on.

 

 

The Ones Who Jump In, Jump Out Just As Fast

So here I am all starry-eyed like a school girl and totally crushing on my new OKC match for 4 days.  I even called him “My Crush” for the week.

It was fun while it lasted.  All that fluttery tummy feeling from the Butterflies is always fun.

Here’s how it played out in a nutshell…..

I met him on-line on Monday evening and we chatted, moving to phone/text by Tuesday.  We hit it off immediately.  His dialogue was funny and interesting.  Once we really started talking, the butterflies started.  I knew there was something different about this man.

It wasn’t until a few days later that I recognized myself in him and realized this is probably one of the reasons I am so intensely attracted.  I love to dive right into a romance.  I believe in the fairy tale.  I believe that you can meet someone and fall in love at first sight kind of thing.  I’m the type that will fall in love on-line with enough engagement.  I just believe in love and all the silly romantic notions that go with it.

It’s the kiss of death.  I know it.  I can’t help it just yet.

I have made this mistake twice before.  Once I got really hurt and it wasn’t pretty.  Once I had a lot of dating fun and it ended ok and I wasn’t so upset.   The point is, after it happened really hard the first time, I got a little better at recognizing the red flags – theirs and mine.  I did slightly better the second time.

It almost started to happen with Mr. Electricity, but that never really got off the ground because it happened so fast.

This guy though, he was just like me.  In fact, he might be worse than me.  He dove in so hard and fast that I had to pull back and that is a role reversal for me.  He was so fast and deep that I started to feel like I had to push him away just to keep from letting myself be suffocated by his adoration.  My problem is, I like being suffocated by adoration.  I am telling you, while you may look at this and see crazy, I love it.

From Monday evening through to the time I met him on Thursday evening, he was in constant contact.  Texting like crazy, lots of phone calls (5 on Wednesday alone) and tons of indications that he was head over heels ready to find a great relationship.

We spoke about a lot of different things, sex included, and we were on the same page for almost everything.  He was so sweet to me and I got text like this from him:

image

We finally met on Thursday evening at one of the coolest, hard to get into bars in the city.  A super luxurious speakeasy that feels like being in your own private library, leather-bound books and club chair as well as an intense selection of whiskey and bourbon.

I arrived first and he kissed me the moment he arrived.  Massive sparks.

We spent the next two hours gazing into one another’s eyes.  I had to look away several times because I (really) felt like he was staring into me.  Silly and ridiculous smiles plastered across both of our faces.  Hands intertwined.  We were noses apart for most of the evening, heads bent in close and touching one another.  Fuck.  I was going to fall right into him, I could feel it.

I wanted to.  I wanted to believe this was going to happen to me.  I wanted to believe it’s possible and that fairy tales do exist.  I wanted to overlook the fact that jumping in to deep waters so fast is a field full of red flags.  I just want to believe, god dammit.  Why can’t it be real?

Somewhere, deep, deep inside of me, I just know it’s not.  It never is.  The cynic is telling me it’s all a trap or a game or something I can’t identify, but when men jump in this fast, they jump out even faster.  I know this.  We all know this.  While I desperately want to believe in some fantasy world of romance, it just doesn’t exist.  There were several times I had to back away, take a deep breath and reset us.

He wanted to know too much too soon.  I suggested we wait for some of these conversations.  There would be plenty of time if we got to know one another.

The time came to a close quickly and towards the end he pulled me into him closely, had his hands on both of my shoulders and gazed at me intently “Are you ready for this?”  I made a joke and replied “ready for what” and he persisted with “are you really ready for this, for us?”   We parted with a lovely kiss and went our separate ways with an agreement to see one another the next night for dinner and the opera.

He had asked me to sleep over after opera and I declined.  I did acknowledge somewhere in the recesses of my brain that he didn’t like this reply.

I had a lovely commute home filled with the smell of him on my lips and thoughts of him in my head.  I was convinced he would be calling me later that evening.

But he didn’t, and I noticed he was back on OKC.

Nor did I get a Good Morning text.

Until this:

image

Well, then.  Not what I wanted to hear, nor what I expected.  I sort of knew, when he didn’t call me in the evening, something was off.  This was not a man allergic to over-communication or picking up the phone as demonstrated by his behavior all week.

I admit, I almost cried.  Almost.  I had just started to allow myself to get excited and hopeful.  I had that really hopeful moment.  I so, so, so badly wanted it all to be real.  Jesus, just for once, I wanted to have that kind of intense romance out of the gate.

But, it obviously wasn’t meant to be.  This was the man who went from 0-100 back to 0 in the space of 5 days. Red flags galore.

Now for the game of deciphering dating-text-language.

All of my friends had differing opinions about this text.  Some felt like it was disingenuous.  Some felt he was honest.  Some said block him and don’t engage again.  But, M being M, I did, as directly and kindly as possible:

image

 

And he replied after some time:

image

 

It took me some time to finally send a reply.  The text was a massive change in tone from “are you ready for this?” to using the past tense “enjoyed” when referring to communicating with me.

I still wanted to cry, almost.  I was upset.  I liked this guy.  The night before was fantastic.  There was no indication of things we didn’t connect on.  I honestly don’t know what he is even referring to.  The whole message set me off-balance from where we had started.

But, this was the second time in a week that I knew his response had nothing to do with me.  This was all about him.  I believe that because he didn’t get what he wanted from me (staying over after Opera) he changed his tune.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Irrelevant either way.

image

I just decided I wasn’t ready to write him off fully.  So I went with the response that offered the least resistance.  Simply stating I wanted to see him again.  I also admit to playing games at this point.  The one text he sent was too full of volatility to let go.  He had swung the pendulum too far for recovery in my opinion.  I was torn between equal parts of “I know your game, you douche” and “oh gosh, I really liked him, can I fix this?”

The less foolish side of me took over and I decided to play nice, with the intention of getting him to admit he wanted to sleep with me tonight.

Not only that, we played this out in live-time at work.  Everyone read and participated in these text.

Did I mention that I am sometimes a 46-year-old woman with the brain of a 16-year-old girl?  Yea, it happens.  But let me tell you…everyone at work (and there are 7 girls), everyone single one, was in for the tease because they thought he was a jerk.

Now I would see what I would get back if I reverted to sweet, sexy M.  No challenge, just totally sexually charged and interested in her man and making him feel like he’s King of the World.

Of course such a simple response elicited an entirely different tone:

image

Let the games begin (and for the record, even ASV should note I’m not this sappy, ever! IRL):

image

Here’s the absolute truth under my dilemma.

While you are screaming at me to cut the douche bag loose – I liked him, I can’t help it.  I was massively attracted to him.  Hell, I can still taste him now as I think about it.

Now that I know what an asshole he is – posing as a loving relationship-orientated gentleman – why can’t I just sleep with him?  I finally found a small key within myself and disengaged emotionally from him….by including my friends in the back and forth, hearing others opinions and listening.   I realized the guy was simply a jerk and didn’t care about me or my feelings and what’s worse, presented himself as admiring honesty in a relationship.

ASV rightly stated that I am basically rewarding his bad behavior by doing so and in the process, devaluing myself.  How was I going to feel about myself after I slept with him?

Here’s what I think happened…during the conversation he asked if he was my type and I replied honestly “no, you are not” and we went on to talk over what’s my type.  I made it clear that he fully attracted me and the fact that he wasn’t my type made the chemistry even better, in fact.  The second thing was a silly, offhanded sexual comment about “size” and he asked if I was a size queen.  While we bantered about this, he stated he was “average size” and asked if that would bother me.

Honestly, I think I put him off….he wanted to be King of the World and he got a nice, honest dose of Madeline instead.

Now, this man is a high-end fashion photographer and he has photographed some of the most beautiful and amazing people in this world.  He also owns a fashion and arts magazine.  While he was sitting there calling me beautiful and gorgeous all evening, I couldn’t help but think “do I trust this?”  If I was dating you for a year and I knew you, maybe I could believe that…but this was a first date and I don’t hold a candle to any model.  I am an attractive 46-year-old woman.  Sure, I might be above average, but I don’t have a drop dead gorgeous modelesque body and this is a man who is surrounded by it, and, yes, has bedded it more than once.  It didn’t sit right with me.

I had said to him, right out of the gate that I thought I could be too prosaic for him.  I’m not into the same cultural/artsy activities that he is.  While he disregarded this about me immediately, I do think it sank in (probably when he met someone else to flirt with the next day on OKC).

Further, he talked about women quite a bit.  The beauty of women.  Bodies of women.  Shape, size,ethnicity, etc.  There were times I had to remind myself that I am fine just the way I am, but this might bother me if I stayed with him.    I find it curious (maybe humorous is a better word, actually) that he is put-off that I may not think he is the cat’s meow physically and sexually.  I just don’t know.

It’s all requiring way too much thinking too early on.  It should be brilliant, light and funny in the beginning.  This got too serious too fast and one thing I do know that my mother told me:

Every dog has its bone.

So if I’m not the bone for you, I can go and find another dog who might just think I’m the best bone ever. (pun intended)

I got him to finally come around, quite easily, as you can see in the few text it took to get him feeling like he was in control.

He’s found the perfect lover…… I am pretty sure just 10 text before he wanted to slow down.

If there is a human in the world than can interpret this ridiculous chain of text events, let me know.

He called me a little after that last message and asked what time he could meet me.

I went on my way and enjoyed my Friday evening with friends and a random Bumble date instead.

…………………………………………………………………………………..

Fast forward to Sunday and here was our text exchange:

image

image

image

 

What bothers me most about this exchange is that the words and expressions he uses are entirely thoughtless….he uses familiar speech patterns when he isn’t genuine.

To be honest, I don’t think I will hear much from him again.

I didn’t block and delete him because I am sexually attracted to him and wouldn’t mind a romp.

The Butterflies, fortunately, flew away.

Too bad, back to the drawing board.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Butterfly Strike

It’s in the air.

Something about the month, the water, the smell, the breeze.  I don’t know.  But it’s time.

I am very thankful that the vice-grip on my heart was partially dismantled earlier this month by a jolt of sexual electricity.  I desperately needed the reminder that I will be a sexual being again and my blood will flow white-hot for someone.

Do you know how good that felt?

As silly as this may sound, I felt my body and mind relax and tell me true acceptance for last summer is coming.  Eventually, the memory will remain pleasant and wonderful, and maybe even stay rose-colored for a long time to come.  That’s ok with me.  The universe didn’t give me what I thought I wanted and needed so badly for a reason, there must be a reason.

I just don’t need to find the reason anymore.

Now I just need to find what’s next for me in terms of a relationship.

I have been careful about who I am speaking with.  It’s so much easier to weed through the wasteland, and actually even less disheartening, when you stop entertaining people who will do no more than absorb your energy.  If I don’t match with you Mr. Handsome Brain Surgeon, I’m going to match with that next handsome man….soon.  I know it.

Now, I know it.

Guess what?

I found an amazing match!

I matched with someone who was damn near perfect in too many ways to count AND had a similar style to my own in terms of dating.

I felt my pulse quicken.  With each text, and then with each call, the magic carpet came to carry us both away.

It was soooooooooooo hard (yes, it required that many “o’s” because it was THAT hard for me!) to slow down.

But, slow it down I did, a little.  I admitted to getting carried away easily and suggested meeting in person might do us both a favor.

He agreed.

I met him on OKC.  Ever since I altered my search criteria, I have been coming up with much better matches.

He is tall, 6’2″ and very modern looking.  Edgy.  Interestingly enough, he had one sort of distance photo where I couldn’t see his face and we hit it off on repartee long before I finally saw his face.  He is handsome, really handsome.  An amazing life and career.  A son.  Almost divorced. He shaves his head entirely so that will be a first for me.

The banter flowed smoothly and easily.  He was kind, gentle, silly, attentive and curious.  We found 100 weird coincidences like our sons have the same name, we are born on the same day (different month), he has the same name as my father/brother, his profile has one of the same tag lines mine does, and more silly little things like that.

He text a bit in the evening, then again the next morning.  As the text became more and more full, I mentioned I would love to hear his voice and he called immediately.

That’s the second time in the space of a week a man’s voice ripped right through me.  I love this feeling!

And did I mention we are a 99% match on OKC…fun!  I mean, seriously.

image

I love when the Butterflies strike!  I am such a sucker for the butterflies!

Let me say this now, I know I am a sucker for the Butterflies.  I fall every. single. time.  But, this time, I caught myself and tried to slow down.  That’s progress!

I could feel his smile through the phone which made me grin even more broadly.  He was gregarious and light, not full of a million “are you the perfect woman” question but just sharing stories and experiences.  I didn’t feel like I was being interviewed, I felt like I was making a new friend.

By mid-day, knowing I had to slow it down, I admitted to him I felt we were both very excited about meeting one another and that we should try to meet to see how the in person chemistry was….he readily agreed.

We set plans for one night away to meet for a drink after work, and if all went well, we would see the Opera together on Friday (my friend had to cancel and the ticket was available…)

Have I mentioned how happy I am that Spring is here?

I feel such a renewed sense of energy with the change in weather and perhaps, with my change in luck.  To have met several men that are viable dating opportunities isn’t a bad place to be!

Now….here’s the key….I know how carried away I get, and easily.  Way too easily.  I LOVE feeling like this.  I love how he is so attentive to me and can’t seemingly get enough of me.

I also know that every time this has happened before, every single time, it hasn’t worked out for me.  That’s the piece I have to focus on or I’m going to be in for a world of hurt if I let things escalate at this pace.    I keep reminding myself to slow down, way down, enjoy the feeling, the euphoria, but slow way the fuck down.

The thought has crossed my mind that men who do this, get carried away like this, maybe all they really want only sex anyway and they are just so clever that they approach it by being the perfect relationship guy.  Once they get the sex, which tends to be quite easy with me, they disappear – which was their intention all along.

I would like to believe that there is really a man out there, like me, who can get carried away and still remain sincere and true, but like I said – it’s never happened.  Not to me.  Not to my friends.  Sure, you hear stories about it, but I don’t know these people.

This time around, I’m going to enjoy the butterflies with a healthy dose of cynicism.

At least, I’m going to try my best.

I know butterflies, as welcome and wonderful as they are, have proven to equally be a recipe for disaster.  The pace at which we are moving forward is too fast.  You know what they say “the higher you fly, the harder you fall.”

Why do I know this to be true and just hate, really HATE to acknowledge it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Analysis Paralysis

I sort of knew it wasn’t right with him for reasons I couldn’t put my fingers on, at least not exactly, the entire thing was foggy.

It didn’t help that I saw through my libido-goggles.

When we first spoke on the phone, he made it clear to me how he was looking for “the one right now” and how he wanted a full-time girlfriend.  While I do think that’s what I want to be, I don’t think I can sign up to saying that out of the gate.  I don’t see myself as yelling from the rooftops “Yes, world! I am ready to commit to someone!”  Maybe my words and actions tell you that I am.  Maybe that’s what you hear from me.  But I truly don’t feel like that.  As soon as someone says this immediately, I see red flags even if there are none.

Can’t we wait for a second date?

He was also extremely opinionated and commanding.  In what appeared to me as a very specific or selfish way.  When he told the story of a great first date that went wrong because she was on OKC the very next day, I smelled control.  He tried to play it off like that wasn’t it, but that’s how it seemed to me.  He was a military brat, it rang true to me.

He was an intense man.

During the call and the date, he wanted to talk about sex a whole hell of a lot because we had an almost 100% match on OKC.  So, while I am the one who brought him home, his signals and his words were clearly at odds.  I think this is the double standard at its best – it’s ok for men to talk about sex and want to have sex, but it’s not ok for a woman.  Men lose respect for you.  I keep trying to tell myself I don’t believe this but it has proved to be true time and time again.

With all that, I was attracted.  I like intense.  I chose to ignore the red flags that I saw along the way in favor of all the things I subscribed to as “right” based on my criteria.  I had effectively put him into my boyfriend bucket because he met those criteria.

I was willing to overlook certain things because he ticked too many other boxes.

Goes to show you just how good I have gotten as justifying something when I want it.

Add in the sexual attraction and I had a powerful win.

When I found myself a little sullen on the Sunday after because I felt he put me in the “sex-only” camp, I started to question why…why should I feel like this when I made the decision?

What I need to ask myself is why did I take him home if I thought there was opportunity for boyfriend material?

When I really thought about it and allowed myself not to edit details I remembered some things that must not have added up at the time.  Add alcohol and I was able to ignore these things entirely and focus on my libido.

He mentioned his concern that I lived in a different area, he was worried about logistics.  He mentioned that I seemed to have quite a full life.  He sensed from me that I was all about the sex (again, I go back to the fact that he started on the sex long before I did – I was the one who made the joke he couldn’t go 10 minutes without mentioning it).  Independently, these things may/may not really matter.  But this was a lot of information on a first date.  Somewhere along the line I began to sense I wasn’t girlfriend material to him and I chose to ignore it.

Was it on the phone, before we met?

Was it at the bar, when I joked about him talking about sex?

Did I subconsciously allow myself to accept that I wasn’t girlfriend material but chances were high we could have good sex?  So..I might as well go for it?

None of the above were conscious thoughts, but writing this many days later, I think they must have existed in my alcohol-laden, sex-starved brain in the late evening.

So, anyway, I take him home, we have amazing sex and for the first time in 5 months I don’t cry.  That’s a massive step forward right there. I can’t disregard that fact.

He asks me out immediately and I get a few lines of text from him a day later.   All seems well Friday into Saturday.  Only on Saturday evening do I begin to think…”hmmm, should I have heard more from you today?”

Sunday rolls around and I get a “Good Morning Sexy” text.

My better sense kicks in.  Just like that.

He starts talking about Thursday and what he wants to do with me sexually.  He tells me how many times he has masturbated to me since we were together.

I didn’t want to go down this path without making myself clear, I knew what I was about to do was going to lose him….

Here’s how the beginning of the conversation went:

 

 

Me: I’m worried I am in the “sex-only” bucket now.

Him: Oh…what bucket do you want to be in?  What bucket am I in?

Me: I wouldn’t mind getting to know you better.

Him: Me too, I like you…I do think there is a risk when the 1st meeting ends in a sex romp that it’s difficult to transition..

Me: Yes, I agree.

Him: What do you want to do?

Me: I prefer to transition.

Him: Just let whatever develops develop…But I will be honest…I think your great but I do worry about you living (there) and us both having kids, work, friends…could be difficult getting past being sex buddies

Me: I appreciate the honesty.  I know that I can’t be a sex buddy.  I will get hurt.

Him: How far can we go seeing each other only once a week?

Me: I am sure we could figure it out.

Him: Possibly, but I see it being sex centered.  And I want to have lots of sex with you and try all these things….

 

 

The conversation went on a little bit, with no resolve, staying along the same path.  I saw that he was back on OKC while we were texting one another.  Perhaps he has already found his next woman to try out for his ideal girlfriend role.

For a moment I wanted to call him out about being on OKC – talk about hypocritical!

I admit, the rejection hurts a little.  I was bummed on Sunday.

He had said some wonderfully amazing and kind things to me before, during and after our time together.  He even said, again, in this text exchange that we had an amazing and intense connection outside of “just sex” so I am still unsure exactly how he arrives at the final conclusion that it’s over before it starts.

I knew I risked the opportunity to see him again if I slept with him.  But I did it anyway.

Now I have to deal with the consequences of my impulsive side.

I based the decision to sleep with him on many of the things he said.  Further, after we slept together he continued along the path of “how close I feel to you and I could really fall for you.”  He said many times during the evening how special, unique and how close he felt to me.  After sex he was very articulate about how he could easily fall for me.  I’m not adding more weight to these statements than they deserve, but his words and actions were aligned.

Until Sunday.

His tune changed Sunday when I wanted to qualify being in the “sex-only” bucket.

Fortunately, I surprised myself by realizing the following:

  • I am going to have great, mind-blowing sex again.  And again.  And again. Yeeessss!!!
  • I am going to find men who fit my “formula” if I am patient.
  • I need to listen to my gut and ask more questions up front, clarify things that don’t sound right to me.
  • While I can write him off to deciding not to date me because I slept with him, the chances are that he has his own reasons unrelated to the sex.  And if I wasn’t so fucking horny I would have seen that he wasn’t really an ideal dating candidate for me either.
  • I shouldn’t go on dates that last all night because chances are too high guaranteed I will want to have sex.

 

I do know that by starting that text conversation Sunday I was most likely eliminating the chance of seeing him Thursday.  While I was torn about that, I ultimately decided  remaining true to myself was better than accepting the date predicated on having sex again.  Oh hell yes, I want to have sex with him again, but the more I have sex with him the more I will like him and each time that happens is just one step closer to hurting myself even more.

I had to stop myself.

I slipped into a fantastic night of sex.  I would have liked more than one fantastic night of sex, but I don’t think I am ready (with a guy I like) to attempt casual sexual encounters.

So, what will I do?

Well, after that conversation above, he said he didn’t know what to do about Thursday and I left it at that.  I have no idea if I hear from him again or not.   Part of me actually knows that I could have sex with him and not get too attached because this happened so quickly…I don’t like him as much as I thought I did in hindsight.

The other part of me doesn’t care one way or the other.  The sex may not be as good the next time because I’m less excited about him.  I’m complicated like that and I know it.

I blocked him on OKC because I didn’t like the fact that he could see me back on the app nor did I like knowing he was still looking.  I considered blocking him from my phone, but curiosity got the better of me to see if he ghosts me for Thursday or not.

Actually, knowing myself too well, I will probably text him again.  I have gotten to the point (too quickly?  I don’t know) that I have written him off as a viable dating candidate in any case.

Maybe I can just have mind-blowing sex with him.

Just maybe.

You know what though – I am going to blow him off on Thursday…and make other plans.  It’s not that hard to do.

………………

So rather than write a separate post, I will just finish the story here, though it is a week later than the beginning of this post.

He texted a bit Monday and it remained mostly sexual. I let it be and didn’t try to change the course of the conversation.

We spoke later in the evening for a little while. No mention of Thursday. This was fine by me as I had already started to make other plans. I surprised myself by not caring one way or the other what happened with this guy. It was a fantastic night of sex. I would like to have it again, but if I don’t there will be others.

The last I heard from him was last Tuesday.  In classic male-emotive style this was the extent of our conversation:


And, that my lovelies, is that.

 

 

Blog Reading

Have you ever had visitors to your blog that you really just wonder who they are?

Like the reader who must read you every single day, but never comments? (why is that? I really want to know you and engage with you!)

Or the reader who finds your blog and reads from the very beginning to end (god bless for those of us with lots of history).  I do this too…but I always like posts and comment when I find a new blog that engages me.  If I take the time to read back and not just pick up at current, I am really interested in your story and I like to let you know.

Readers from far off places, where you wonder what they could possibly have in common with you or what kind of perspective they gain from your blog.

Followers who never comment or like a post.  Why follow?

These types of followers all seem typical to me in the WP universe.  But recently I have had some readers from very specific locations that are interesting….because the cities (all of them, every one) are specific to one individual:

Visalia, California

Modesto, California

Stillwater, Oklahoma

Greencastle, Indiana

Fort Collins, Colorado

Maybe I am just imagining there is coincidence, maybe not.  Either way.  I still think it’s weird.

I am fascinated by the location of any of my readers, and who you are and why you read me….like most bloggers, when I started this blog I hardly dreamed of anyone interacting with me, let along following me regularly!  Especially whoever is reading (cover-to-cover) from….

Schiller Park, Illinois

New Baltimore,  Michigan

Nutley, New Jersey

Carmarthen, Carmarthenshire, United Kingdom

 

So, as my blogger friend Gratuitous Rex would say “Coincidence???!!!”

Emotional Overwhelm

I have to admit, I had a day that I almost slipped and made a phone call to him.

I didn’t because there is no sense in this what-so-ever.

This is not a post about him, I have nothing to add about him.  This is all about me.

The day before it happened I began to feel tired and sort of sad.  I also started my monthly.  I am journaling these feelings and emotions because I feel like they might be tied to hormones, or maybe not.  I don’t think I have paid enough attention in the past to when and why I feel emotionally burdened like this.  I don’t like feeling like this and I really want these feelings to go away now.  I truly want to stop thinking of what I have lost and what is past.

The day started off poorly, I hadn’t slept the entire evening and had been tossing and turning.  He was on my mind, but there were no clear or articulate thoughts or images.  More like a presence.  Most like an empty, hollow space that I was falling through.

I felt overwhelmed by this big, dark, empty space.  Like I was being swallowed up by it.

Sad. Hollow. Empty. Dark. Lonely.

I couldn’t’ wake early enough to work out and I fell asleep on my commute to work , which only happens when I am exhausted.

I couldn’t shake the feelings of dread all day.  These gut feelings usually happen to me when something bad is about to happen, but nothing bad happened to me that day or the subsequent day.  I had no expectation of hearing from him or contacting him in any way, but the drive, the desire to pick up the phone to hear his voice was awful. It really took everything I had not to pick up that phone.

I remind myself there is nothing there for me and try to move forward.

I ensure I tell my friends, several of them fellow bloggers who have been holding my hand all the way through this heartache.   Everyone is supportive and listens.  Everyone keeps me on track.  I have to hold myself accountable.

But that little voice that says “Fuck it – call him anyway!!” persists.

Go away voice.  You are wrong.  This will solve nothing.

I have the sense of my heart breaking and a feeling of pain in my chest.  These symptoms haven’t hit me in a long while so I am surprised by them.  The tears are flowing easily and I am having a hard time keeping it together at work.  I am miserable. I feel defeated and depressed.

A bitter cold and rainy day doesn’t improve matters.

Making it home, once again falling asleep, I don’t exercise as I should.  I shower and climb into bed.  Talk to my kids a little bit and try to sleep.  But, sleep eludes me once again and I let tossing and turning.

I know I am not waking up to exercise once again.  I also know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but it’s only day 4 of my “new” commitment to myself and I am already failing miserably.  I know if I get on that treadmill I will actually feel better.

I continue to lie there and cry.

I get in a good long cry and eventually fall asleep.

Then, when I wake up late for work and get moving the next day, the sun is shining, my cramps are gone and I feel better.  The feeling hasn’t dissipated entirely, but it’s not drowning me today.

Out of curiosity, I decide to measure the length of time:

Since I last saw him: 5 months

Since I last heard from him: 2 months

I suppose I have come further than I thought.

Nothing came of this.  My gut was off on this day….I had that sense of dread and it passed.  Some of the depression lingered the next (few) day(s), but more as a passing thought I could get by.  I managed through it somehow, knowing it can only get better.

A week later the feeling hit again. Not as bad the first time and definitely not as overwhelming. But consistent and insistent. Like a fly buzzing around my head that I keep trying to swat away.  It just keeps bothering me.

I wrote him and email I didn’t send.  I sent it to myself and some friends.  All of whom ensured I didn’t send it to him.  I deleted it the next day.

I admit, I will be happy when this is over, really, just over.

When my therapist said “It’s going to take as long as it takes” I sort of wanted to curl up and die right about then.  I don’t want it to take any more time and emotional energy from me anymore.  I am actively doing all I can to be positive and remain in a positive space, but days like this one certainly suck the life-force from me and remind me just how fragile and broken I am after that relationship.

I hate how this still weighs me down and knocks the wind from my sails. Believe me, every day I try so very hard to remain positive and hopeful and move forward.  It’s an awful, terrible, horrible, and gut-wrenching feeling wanting something you can not have, and someone who does not want you. It fucking sucks.

I’m taking bids on a lobotomy. Any one offering a deal?

 

Couch to 5k – Week 3

Week 3

Day 1 – Friday

Considering I had less than 4 hours of sleep there was no way I getting out of bed early to exercise.  I had consumed too much alcohol the night before. That also meant I was in bed asleep by 7pm.

I also had pizza for lunch.

Not a good day in terms of diet and exercise.

Does great sex count?  I’m pretty sure I burned off some quality calories that night!

I can’t count today as a wash…I ate pizza, drank Prosecco and had amazing sex.  Score!

 

Day 2/3 – Saturday / Sunday

Saturday was beautiful and I kept telling myself I would get outside but I was super lazy in the morning. I was productive within the house and at least got the 5k routine in today.

My eating was back on track and I had a lovely self-care day with my hair, massage and pedicure appointments.   My mind drifted all day and it felt good to be so selfish.

Sunday proved to be another gorgeous day and I got in a fantastic 6 mile walk.  About 4 miles in I decided I would try the 5k routine and I embarrassed myself.  By the third run I was huffing and puffing, I couldn’t get any rhythm and by the 4th run I think I ran 30 seconds and threw in the towel.  I realize that running outside is harder than running on the treadmill but at least this time my pants stayed up.

 

Day 4 – Monday

My first fast day, so I needed to wake up and exercise as I wouldn’t be able to after a full day of no-eating.

Did I do it?  No. Of course I didn’t. I went back to sleep for another almost 2 hours.

I did fast all day and felt great. But when a friend wanted to walk and I didn’t want to turn it down, I ate a yummy salad of avocado and almonds thereby blowing the fast day. Either way, it was a super healthy meal and I needed the fuel for the 5.5 mile walk with my fun friend!

Unfortunately I had an awful evening of sleep…too much on my mind.

Day 5 – Tuesday

I am feeling great about my progress this week in terms of just getting out and doing it.  I walked another 4 miles.

I admit to being taunted by the 5k…I should have tried it again tonight but I avoided it.

I have to get it straight in my mind that I do truly want to run the 5k in June and in order to do so, I have to practice.

As I was walking my pants started to slide again and I wanted to scream because these were different pants.  But this time I had the drawstring inside to tighten them and was able to keep the butt crack properly hidden!  I swear the gear thing is a real pain – these pants didn’t have a big enough pocket for the iPhone 6 and I kept feeling like it would fall out of the narrow back pocket, but it didn’t.

My eating was awesome today as well, and that always makes me happy.

 

Day 6 – Wednesday

I felt a nice burn in my upper thighs this morning from the fast pace walk last evening and it was nice to begin to feel my muscles wanting to take shape under my skin.  It makes me think of how great that feels when I am having sex…and I can feel the strength in my legs.

Tonight was a planned date night so no exercise.

Day 7 – Thursday

Another planned date night, so no exercise.

 

A much better 3rd week than the previous two and I am starting to feel more positive about the traction I am getting.

I really do love top walk and walk outside in the good weather.  While I know this isn’t enough to really gain muscle, I enjoy it and have to focus on the motivation it does give me.  I am hoping that a few more weeks of walking and the 5k app and I will be appropriately inspired to try some strength training.

My eating was fantastic this week though my coffee consumption was too high.  I am anxious at work and drinking to much coffee.  At least I am not eating.  I also reduced my alcohol intake because I didn’t go on really long dates! I suppose there is a benefit to the short date after all… short dates = less calories!

I need to get more focused on the 5k app…I have only successfully completed 5 days and didn’t complete the 6th.  My goal should be to do 2-3 of the 5k days a week so I have a shot in hell at running that 5k in June.

The best news, I am down another 2 pounds this week.

That means all my extra weight I gained from the breakup/vacation/bed rest is now off and I am back to where I was last November.  I had gotten a lot lower when I was really sick, but that only came off because I wasn’t eating at all.  I feel good about starting a sincere weight loss each week now.

I liked my fast day and plan to do another next week!

All in all, a very successful week!

Go, me!

 

Electricity

By the time we actually left the bar, it was late, well past 1am.

There was the possibility when we arrived to my home we would just fall asleep.  We entertained that idea for a while.  Then pretty much laughed it off.  The intensity of the last kiss by the bar was too overwhelming, for both of us.

I wasn’t sure what to expect and I took this as a good thing.  I wasn’t comparing him to anyone and I was in a space where I was happy to let things happen as they may.  I already knew that taking him home potentially ruins every chance there was for any sincere relationship to occur.

He was more thoughtful than I was.  I wanted to have sex, and while he did as well, he wanted to respect me and wait.  He was afraid if we had sex that he wouldn’t feel the same the next day.  I was taking a huge risk.

Those were his words.

Some little earworm kept telling me he was full of shit – while I think he would have waited, there was something else there telling me just fuck it and have sex.  Let’s see if he’s all talk.

M being M, I did it anyway.  I know why I did it.  I was too horny, it had been too long since I had felt this way and I clearly have difficulty controlling my impulsive side.  I also wasn’t really sure how physically attracted to him I was.  Turning on my libido is not an immensely difficult thing to do once I’m drinking, especially once I drank as much as I had that evening.  My first physical reaction to him was “I’m not so sure about this.”   Is it possible I was self-sabotaging?  He was a great catch and I was trying to ensure I couldn’t catch him?  Maybe I was testing myself.  I’m not really sure I have the answers here but I knew full well I could be making a huge mistake.

I’m a risk taker.  Not always a smart one, either.  I did what felt right turned me on at the time.

When we arrived home, I knew he was starving so I quickly took out the frying pan and before he knew what was happening, I made him an egg, cheese and pork roll sandwich.  Let me tell you, there is nothing better than this sandwich when you are drunk or hung over, just nothing.  If a woman is going to win her way into a man’s heart I’m pretty sure all you need to do is feed him this sandwich.

He was thrilled and again, showered me with compliments that I would cook something for him in the middle of the night.

We laughed and ate our sandwiches between kisses.

By the time we got into bed it was late.  There was a fleeting moment where I entertained the idea of simply saying goodnight to him and I’m certain he would have accepted it from me and remained a gentleman.  But, then he took off his shirt.  For 48 years old, his arms and shoulders made me melt.  There was no way I wasn’t grabbing on to them tonight.

He was all about pleasing me.  For hours, it seemed.  He wouldn’t even let me think of doing anything for him.  There wasn’t an inch of skin on my body that wasn’t attended to over and over.  His kisses were like silk and his tongue sending jolts of electricity through to my core.  Skilled doesn’t quite cover his expertise with his tongue.  The way he satisfied me was beyond compare.  Somehow, he found the keys to my body and unlocked those not-so-easy to come by orgasms one after the other until I was a pile of jelly on my bed.  I had no choice but to lie back and enjoy his attention.  He wanted nothing from me.  Honestly, I didn’t even know what was between his legs for a very, very long time.

When he did finally come up for air and I was able to explore him, I think I died and went to heaven.  His cock was beautiful.  Thick and long.  I couldn’t wait to wrap my mouth around it.  We fooled around a bit and then it just sort of ended, for probably no other reason than we were exhausted.  We didn’t cuddle.  I passed out.

An hour or so later, I was woken up again, his hard cock pressed against my leg and his hands roaming my body.  I was delirious but rolled over and climbed on top of him.  It’s been too long since I enjoyed this position.  It was glorious.  Dreamy sex is the best when you are half delirious.

We fell back to sleep yet again and woke entangled in one another.  He went down on me again for some time and I begged him to come and fuck me.  He was more than ready to oblige.  The morning sex was as good as the other times during the night, no it was better.  Longer and deeper and more sensuous.  He doesn’t make any sounds which makes me a bit sad, I like loud sex.  When he came it was so quiet and intense.  He asked if he could stay on top of me for a bit and just hold me and I was happy lying under him within his strong grasp.

It wasn’t long before we started kissing again and I asked him if he would mind if I pulled out my vibrator.  I think I surprised myself when I asked to do this!  I was worked up from the sex and wanted to cum quickly.  He was so excited about this and asked how he could help.  He sucked on my nipples and used his amazing fingers while I worked the Hitachi.  It didn’t take long to join him in bliss.  We lie together for a while and then he excused himself to leave.

It wasn’t until I was in the shower that I realized I hadn’t shaved my legs for at least a week!  I was also peeling horribly from my sunburn from vacation a couple of weeks back!  Yuck!  I laughed at myself because I would never have had sex if I had thought of that before hand!  Clearly, he didn’t seem to mind.  Or even if he did – he didn’t say a word about it.

I sent him a text a few hours later to see if his drive home (his family lives several hours away and he goes home on the weekends) and he called me immediately.  He said so many lovely and encouraging things about our evening and asked when he could see me again.  We agreed on my free night next week.

I heard from him again, later that evening, but I was too tired to reply to the text.  All he said was “I’m totally not thinking of sex” in reference to the joke we made at the bar that sex was all he had on his mind.

I replied to the text the next morning and we had a very light back and forth, nothing of significance.

I found myself thinking of him throughout the day.  I found myself going over our conversations and thinking over if I made the fatal mistake or not.

Up to this point, I didn’t feel that I had made the mistake.  His behaviors and speech didn’t indicate there was any problem.  He was already making plans for the upcoming date.

I admit, this is the first second third time I (sort-of) regret jumping into bed with a potential suitor.  He was worth exploring and I probably have shot myself in the foot. Not everything was perfect about our connection, but I think there was possibility.

In fact, if I am really honest in hindsight – although I slept with him, he was the one bringing up sex continually.  He alluded to the fact that the logistics between us would make it difficult to have any other kind of relationship.

I can’t undo what’s been done.

One thing I do know….it’s the first time in 5 months I haven’t cried and enjoyed every minute of my evening.

Sex was so good.

Halle-fuckin’-lujah.