First Real Signs of Strength = Small Wins

I do not know where it came from, but it’s very welcome.

I think it started with Maggie’s idea to get dressed in workout clothes first thing. And then just one small thing (I charged my Fitbit). Piled on top of Ann’s suggestion to read the book about Habits.

I have a whole day, every day to myself. I could be filling it with many things, but I don’t. The worst usurper of my time is digital. The TV is now relegated to post 6pm only. I’ve had small, barely noticeable tinges of regret for wasting this much time. The feeling is fleeting. The heaviness of emptiness is pervasive. I still feel dark and empty on the inside.

But there is a very small, yet immensely strong soul inside me that refuses to give up. Yea, she’s the same one who never gave up on Tony, too so she’s delusional but when put to good use she is mighty.

I noticed on the first day I convinced myself to exercise it was because I talked myself into sleeping the rest of the day away. I didn’t do that, but the self-talk convinced me I could, should I want to. Based on that inkling of promise, I reframed the amount of time I have to myself and I was able to make some positive steps forward.

Go to bed by 10pm, period. Get up 7:30am consistently to get the kid off to school. Get dressed in workout gear before leaving bedroom (put it out night before so no excuses). Wear the Fitbit (no monitoring steps yet) Then, come home and enjoy a quiet morning scrolling media or reading with my coffee. Finally, Peloton workout. 30 mins is the requirement.

If I can change this one thing, getting dressed and then committing to some exercise for 30 minutes daily, I will not require myself to do more during that day unless necessary.

Nice deal I made with myself, right?

I can do this well before 11am. And, so far when I do, I see the energy to do other important tasks such as work related or finance related items. I won’t force myself to do more, I just seem to be more restless doing nothing after the workout. It’s a bit harder to sit still when I created good energy.

I also know the absolute best way to manage my food intake and stick to my keto macros is to log my food. I have been doing this on and off since surgery but I’m paying more attention now. I have an app that I can scan the UPC code and it makes it super easy to keep track. I’ve also knocked almost all my sugar cravings and have found the right kind of food substitutes. It helps that I don’t go out drinking and eating as often as well!

I realize this isn’t a big commitment. But it’s a start to getting my head screwed back onto my shoulders. I’ve been off the rails for close to a year. By the end of April last year I began to lose the will to live, so time slipped right through my fingers. I don’t think I will be remembering my 51st year with any fondness.

I’ve learned to avoid making morning commitments so I can adhere to my small routine. I still overwhelm easily which is worrisome considering how much I’ve been able to shoulder in the past. I still feel like part of my mind (as well as my soul) is broken and disconnected.

My small win this week has been rewarding. Every day I remind myself I’m doing this for me. I had surgery and lost a ton of weight, no reason I can’t tone up and be strong also. I want to be strong again. So while I’m fragile emotionally, the least I can do for myself is begin to make my body stronger. I’ve misused my body, mind and soul this past year but only I can recover what I’ve given away.

By the time this posts, I will have completed and entire week of routine. Good eating, good sleeping and exercise. Other than pure physical recovery (which was no small feat based on my surgeries) this is the most I’ve accomplished since surgery. I am happy it’s a start.

I’ll take it.

Pondering My Last Date

Anthony was my last date before my 2 week hiatus from the dating apps.  He was the first man to meet who worked in my industry, so we had plenty to speak about.  It took about 3 weeks of back and forth to finally meet.  He was consistent in following up, but never spoke for too long as we attempted to make plans.  I was clear I wanted to meet him, but our times were just not lining up.

We finally landed on a date last Friday night.

I was pleasantly surprised when he walked in.  I thought he was good-looking in the photo, but more cute than handsome.  My opinion changed upon meeting him.  He was 6′ tall and solid.  He was very charming and engaging.

We had a lovely dinner that lasted at least 3 hours, then he asked me to the bar for one more drink.  We spent another hour together.  During dinner we chatted about so many subjects and laughed easily.  He was kind, well-mannered, gregarious and easy to talk to.  We shared plates and he was sure to put food on my plate and watch my wine glass.  He knew exactly how much I ate and drank.  You know I love these small things.

He walked me to my car and I admit I leaned in for a kiss…that he didn’t seem too interested in returning!  Oh!  A bit of a surprise there, honestly.

We had spent close to 5 hours together by the time we separated and headed home.  He text to check if I was home.  I replied that I was and thanked him for a lovely evening and he replied he had a nice evening as well.

I would guess I am not going to hear from him again, though I can’t put my finger on just what it was that had him go from interested to not interested. It could have been when he said (again)  “you can call me Tony” and I reeked with “But, I love Anthony!” and he noted “oh, that’s the x?” and I nodded in agreement.    It could have been as he was questioning me about what’s next in life and I said I didn’t know, multiple times, until I finally joked it away saying “perhaps I will just marry a rich man!”  It could have been anything.  I admit I am unsure, but I felt it at the very end and perhaps I missed earlier cues once we were at the bar.

Maybe it’s a vibe I’m giving off during this weird phase I’m in.  When anyone meets me, I am at my best-most-confident-self.  It’s a bit hard to reconcile that with a woman who has been unemployed for almost 6 months.  Clever men pick up on it quickly and also seem to want more direct answers as to “what am I doing next.”  I really went over the date in my mind, but couldn’t pick a point that turned the date in the wrong direction.

Maybe I spoke too much about my kids or my x (kids maybe, didn’t really discuss x though). Not enough chutzpah about finding a job sooner? Men are definitely put off by me not working when they get the vibe that I’m well spoken and educated. The two don’t fit together: being unemployed and bored doesn’t mean with my personality and it’s confounding them. Maybe they don’t want the younger entitled kids to deal with or think my hands are too full. I really can’t pinpoint the last few I’ve lost from the calls and first date.

Oh well, one more week of no dating apps is just fine for me.  The fun can begin next week again!

By the time this posts the apps will be back on after a full 10 day break. So let’s see what happens in the next batch!

Finding My Way Out of the Dark

Most days are still painstakingly absent of light for me. Even when I find my moments of activity or happiness, I actively look for the next down period. I’ve been reading self-help like a fiend, trying to find alternatives to pull myself out of this pit I’m in, but I cannot find the strength. I know one of the keys is going to be routine and getting back into an established routine, but I break routine as fast as I make them.

I have to talk myself out of bed each morning to drive my youngest to school. Most days I succeed. I get up, brush teeth and hair, cover up (not always getting out of PJs) put on the coffee and empty the dishwasher. Get the boy to school. Some days I even get a bra on. This week I resolved I would set the alarm for earlier than I need to get up so that I made sure I also got dressed.

I can go days without taking a shower, and a week without washing hair. Since I don’t move or do much, it’s not hard to forget I should do it. It’s fallen out of my routine. I don’t shower for myself, I shower if I need to be presentable.

I don’t truly understand how I have motivated myself in the past to move forward from difficulty. Either I thought or believed there was something better on the horizon, or felt I had no alternative but acceptance.

I do not have either of those two feelings right now.

This morning I woke about an hour early and started to obsess over Tony. I tried mind control “if you keep thinking about this, you should get up and exercise instead!” I cannot even actively control my obsessive thoughts.

Strangely enough, I don’t generally nap. But, if I could, I sleep a straight 10-12 hours before feeling actually rested. Is it possible anyone really needs this much sleep?

I’m a seesaw. One moment moving up and feeling the air on my face and a (very small) burst of positivity or energy, and the next moment not just coming down but literally crashing into the ground hard. As if the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I cannot lift, or even try to lift.

My son had his pull up bar out the other night and I jokingly gave it a shot. The way I feel each day is similar to approaching and attempting that pull up bar – I raise my arms, pull myself up, and I am dead weight. No strength, no movement, just nothing.  I literally could not even try, my weight was just too much, my muscles evaporated.

I have seen other people motivate themselves forward and I understand the concept of changing a small, yet important, thing to add up to bigger changes – but I don’t do it.

If there was such a thing as manic-depressive by the hour, I feel like that’s me.

Denial

You know when you get little glimpses of awareness that you’ve hit on an idea but can’t quite uncover it? I noticed this has been happening more often for me as I seem to be coming up from complete apathy to less apathy. The smoke clears for a moment, I have a thought, and I try to pursue that thought in the hopes of some personal enlightenment. In the wake of Tony-textacle, something struck me the other day – unrelated to Tony’s infidelity in his marriage – but my x’s behavior in ours. Then I recalled this same thought occurred to me post Bobby.

Strangely enough, I know more about Bobby’s post D-day than Tony’s. I didn’t even realize Tony and Kelly had a D-day in July until last week. Bobby told me everything about his recovery plan post D-day, until he hit the point in recovery that he needed to acknowledge I couldn’t be a part of his life. Tony lied to me for the past 7 months, maybe in an effort to “keep the enemy closer?” Who knows. When I realized Tony had been creating even more lies within his marriage, a little thought bubble popped up to say “do you recall saying he was more like your x than you wanted to admit?” And I got a physical sensation of being ill. It was as if my mind had buried that reminder so deeply that it created a physical sensation as it was dug up again.

Tony did, in his marriage, exactly what my x did to me upon discovery: lied more and denied what actually happened. The next stop on this this reality train is believing that Tony was also lying to me (haven’t fully accepted that yet).  I also repeat: does it even matter?  Nope, not really.   Not my marriage.

I read an article about Hiding in Denial and the flashbacks were not pleasant. When I uncovered my x’s infidelity he turned the entire situation around on me and my need for control. He wasn’t going to give up a female friend. He wasn’t going to allow me to monitor him. He may have crossed a little line, but he was in control and would manage the situation on his own. If he gave up his female friend that meant there was admitting to guilt and he wasn’t guilty. The article went on to describe that until someone admits they have a problem, no changes in outcome would be expected.

“Albert Einstein said, “No problem can be solved by the same consciousness that created it.” Until I can change how I see the problem (and the problem is me, what I’ve done, and what I’m capable of) I will never be safe for my partner. Until I can accept the reality of my own defects of character I’ll never get where I’m going. If the right help is attained, we can find hope as well as a plan to find movement and clarity for both spouses.”

So, while I initially started thinking about Tony, it led me backwards to my own situation with the x, and then further into understanding myself. I have been programmed to accept liars into my life. This has become my defect of character and I allow it to continue by actively looking the other way.  Consistently burying my cues.  I keep accepting a “less-than-I-deserve” behavior in hopes that the other person will change.

Of course, they never do.  And I have become thoroughly practiced in being obstinate about forcing a change, obsessed with their change, instead of gracefully getting up and walking away from their behavior.  I allow some else’ bad behaviors to validate my own bad behavior.

I don’t stop.

With Tony I got the behavior I was seeking from my x. At some point Tony admitted his shame and his ownership for creating the mess we were all in. This was very close to the time he spoke to his wife. I believe that, up until that point, he was as authentic as he could be. He was horrified with himself and his actions and for the further mess he would be creating. I never got that from my x. Not even close. Never even an apology until years later – and it was one of those “I’m sorry if my actions hurt you but I never really cheated” kind of back handed apologies. I think that period of Tony being so genuine is what kept me holding on even longer, he couldn’t be that honest in his marriage so there was hope for us yet (idealized thinking). It wasn’t until his wife told me he was calling me a liar that the truth of it all struck me – he went right back to denial as it was a much more comfortable place to be.  But I shouldn’t have gone with him.  I should not have been around for his mistakes and lies to his family.

I have been holding on to my own denial. The thought that hope exists where it had, in fact, been extinguished 2 years ago in April ’17 when Tony chose to stay in his marriage. I am very good at this since I had a 22 year marriage where I was hopeful for around 18 of those years because I was gaslighted and weak. I keep allowing others, men in particular, to control my life. First my father, then a husband and then two affairs. If I don’t stop trying to control and manage my pain instead of acknowledging and accepting it, to really understand it, I am never going to break this cycle.

(You can go back to re-read the article Ann sent me here, and start to see how that played into what I had already started to think about my habits)

I actually believe that things do happen for a reason. I started to uncover these old perceptions of myself back in this post, and slowly other markers (such as Ann sending me the article) showed up along the way to highlight that I was on the right path to my own little self discovery.

While it may have been the worst way possible to uncover my own truths, sending Tony’s wife the information helped to uncover something I had buried and continue to recreate. I know it will always be viewed as malicious, that I would hurt someone who never hurt me and I understand that point of view. But somewhere in this narrative I needed Tony to accept the truth, my truth I guess, and this felt like the only way I could achieve it. What happens next in his life is his. His anger at me is because of discovery, because I upended that perfect scenario of life he worked so hard to create.  I’m sure some it it is because I hurt Kelly, but the bigger part of it for Tony is because he is uncovered as a serial cheater and liar and loses his prized possession: his outward face as a good and honorable man.  I have to own what I did, it was wrong and I haven’t yet learned how to control this terrible, horrible piece of me that wants others to hurt when I hurt.

Stick with me as I dig deeper, I appreciate all of your insight.

 

Cleaning Up

Since we spent some time in The Chem Lab, I realized I needed to do some clean-up.

I know that initial chemistry is not the be-all end-all of making good dating decisions. But compatibility is important. When I looked at a couple of men on deck, men I was going to invest another date into, I knew deep down we didn’t have the compatibility OR the chemistry to continue.

I also wasn’t really giving a fuck about any of these men on deck, so what’s the point?

I don’t think I mentioned Joe.  He was appealing and kind and we made a date.  Joe was lovely on our first date. I was immediately not physically attracted to him but allowed that to pass. What hit me more strongly was his deep desire for a long-term relationship where he would do everything to please a woman, and the woman would reciprocate. Sounds like me, right? That’s what I thought to until he started to talk about his past relationships and all that he invested into them. There was a very obvious undercurrent that everything he did was a waste of his time. Years long relationships where the woman never showed any real interest in him until he “had enough of being taken advantage of.” I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was a good guy, maybe a bit boring, but a complete pushover. I honestly felt a little bad when I text him a day or so after our date to let him know I wasn’t interested.  I just couldn’t find any connection with Joe.

Matthew was a different story. I have been convincing myself that Matthew had all the key qualities I was looking for except for Chemistry and I was willing to see if that changed with more time together. I was so focused on chemistry that I ignored compatibility. Once I had the realization that most things Matthew spoke about were not interesting to me or didn’t seem to ring true (like when I asked about the end of his marriage), I knew we would have a hard time keeping the conversation flowing. He also, more than once, glossed over my current health and job situation, boiling it down to “being temporary” without diving into any specifics. I was getting a strong feeling he was creating a picture around me that wasn’t really founded on Madeline, but his interpretation of what Madeline and Matthew could look like. He was excited about “Madeline on paper” (my new favorite term) more than actual damaged Madeline. My final cue was telling him about my surgery. There was ZERO curiosity or empathy, and only “that’s all in the past and those things don’t bother me.” It hasn’t sat well with me since he said it. I was also getting the sense of a mean streak. No one specific thing but my gut was pretty solid. I told Matthew I wasn’t feeling we were compatible and said goodbye.  I felt relief which was  sure sign I was pushing forward something I wasn’t engaged in.

This left Anthony – who, at one point suggested I call him Tony and I almost died on the spot! No thanks, I just love the name Anthony! For the first time, Anthony is in my industry so there is zero lack of discussion. He has older children. He is an entrepreneur. Well traveled. Handsome and secure. I like him, not bowled over, but definitely very interested in meeting him. So we have a date set and I’m looking forward to it.

The only other man on my radar had been the Magic Man but I haven’t heard a word from him since Monday morning when he replied to my “safe travels” text. It’s a shame someone so interesting slips away so easily, but that’s his choice.

I’m leaving the apps down again for the week to take a break. They were off all last week to get through these connections. I feel busy enough again and less distracted at the moment so I think a short break is good for my head.  I’m noodling over what finally feels like the end of Tony’s tenured hold on me.  More posts on that to follow.

Why This and Not That?

Believe it or not I just finished 10 mins on the Peloton and 10 mins arms, made myself a protein shake and sitting down shaking my head.

How is it I can so adversely hate exercise that my brain can find a million reasons “not to” and I can’t seem to find that same thought when I want to reach out to Tony. It’s the same damn thought “don’t do it” and one actually has a positive outcome while the other has a negative outcome. I feel physically better following any exercise and, if I keep it up, I know I will appreciate the overall results of a toned body and better sleep. I certainly don’t have any of that when it comes to Tony!

Why am I programmed for all this negativity? It’s like I set myself up for more and more pain and don’t even try to help myself out of it. (Oh yes, I know, we’ve seen this bad behavior from me for years now).

What was the one trigger that got me off the couch today? As terrible as this sounds, I convinced myself I could get right back on it and sleep the day away if I just put in the 20 mins. I did it, made the shake and now sitting back on the couch.

Will it work tomorrow or the day after?

It’s not even 10:30 am and I’ve thrown in the towel for the day.

I do acknowledge that until a habit forms, I need to track. I wasn’t paying enough attention to the Keto eating and was over consuming calories and needed to track to ensure I was watching my macros. I haven’t worn my Fitbit in some time because I was tired of it reminding me I needed to move every hour! My brain was able to ignore it enough to say “don’t do it” and eventually remove it.

I am so angry at myself (for a moment, then it passes) for not investing in myself. I went to the trouble of having a surgery for chrissakes and all the pain I endured and I created an amazing foundation for myself, one that I haven’t had in years (being thin).

I read an article about obsession. Obsession drives us equally for better or worse. It’s what makes us successful and it’s what makes us invest in poor choices. People are obsessive about their career and health. Some about family or love. When we are obsessive in the wrong way (not letting go of something), it creates a problem. But when we are obsessive in the right way (staying on schedule, eating well, managing our families or careers) it actually fuels us to continue doing better. Clearly I have an obsessive compulsive disorder which is unhealthy in itself, but I have also used it to my advantage in the past. I don’t know why I can’t be obsessed with myself for a little while: eat well, be healthy and fit, and let go of Tony.

Strangely enough, the short communication with his wife settled me. I gave her enough affair specifics that proves our timeline so he can lie all he wants now. If she’s clever, she will ask the questions before giving up the information. I almost wish I had sent her our text string for a 6 month period. He could say anything he wanted but those text prove how he was leading me to believe there was a life for us. I hadn’t read those text in a long time because they hurt so badly. But, I sat and read all 4000 or so pages in that string. It brought back some really lovely memories and the pain of waiting. It was ok. I didn’t cry or breakdown. I just read. And I had some weird feeling of relief.

Someone mentioned the itch to speak to him is going to come back. I don’t know. When I made up my mind to end Bobby and sent my emails to Ann, I stopped. Somehow I stopped them and somehow I will stop now.

Like the saying “let go and let God.” I’ve given over what I had and it’s their marriage to manage. I don’t think I will hear from either of them ever again.

January Goals

Yes, its February.

I’m still trying to reconcile that I didn’t get to half of my January goals, and new ones seem to come at me almost daily.

Certainly the Tony-textacle threw me off track 2 days.

But, in an effort to log and track…here goes (notice I didn’t add many to February since I was so lax in January)

Work

(J) Review and edit my resume and social profiles: in process, in a much better place

(J) Make a list of contacts and actively begin a search: have not started

(J) Utilize outplacement website and webinars: have completed 3 webinars, scheduled 2 more next week.

(J) Ensure all job search sites are set up properly for my searches: have not completed, needs fine tuning

(F) Commit to Mindfulness and set a clear intent: I took a bulletproof confidence webinar AND I won a free 1:1 consulting session based on my participation.  This is something to look forward to!

 

Personal

(J) Choose an exercise to stick with and develop a routine: I set up my screen sharing, turned on the Peloton service, bought a small weight set and set the room up for success. Now, just to actually exercise.

(J) Learn yoga or meditation: I need to keep reminding myself this is good for me.

(J) Migrate addresses and birthdays to phone: started, not completed.

(F) Fine tune Keto eating by logging and watching macros – I was consuming too many calories.

 

Finance

(F) Remember unemployment Monday’s

(F) Follow up on Bond processing

(F) Sort out parents trust and accounts

 

 

Home

(J) Deep clean: bathroom floors/grout: still haven’t given this a second thought.

(J) Put away Christmas decor: some things were still lingering but got this done yesterday.

(J) Help son re-arrange bedroom: when he’s ready, otherwise, I am not pushing.

(J) Purchase rug for basement and mop floors: haven’t given this a second thought either.

(F) Deep clean couch in living room

(F) Purchase new washer and dryer

(F) Call the handyman for a few necessary repairs.

With about 8 days into February the month will fly by so I need to get my ass in gear.

Rear view

I wish I had some feeling, any feeling about the text I sent to Tony’s wife.

I have been drained since then, but not in the way I am normally emotionally drained. I haven’t had a period in 60 days now and I had awful cramps early in they day. Maybe this is from the polyps that need to be removed. Some of it is surely from the emotional disturbance but it’s not what I would normally experience.

The drugs are doing their part and, I suppose, I am further into excising him than I thought. I made it so he would never reach out to me again, killed all hope and crushed any reason to think he could remember us with anything except remorse.

I plan to take one more day to myself and then physically change what I’ve been doing. I did it and I’m moving on. She replied succinctly:

“Thank you for your concern for me however I think you need to be more concerned with whatever it is you are going through.

I really don’t need to hear anymore from you about this as I have known about this since last July when you texted me from a random phone number.”

Last July, while very drunk, I forwarded her a profile photo of him on a dating site. I never admitted it to anyone, but of course they had to know it was me.

He claims he told her it was a joke and she didn’t know anything. Based on his response to my text Tuesday, I tend to think her reply was gracious enough to tell me to shut up while pretending she knows more than she did. Or maybe she suspected he was lying. Either way, he did actually tell me he never told her about our affair or he made up a different version.

That’s all the time I am going to spend on it. I did what I say out to do, told her and made him regret ever meeting me.

The emptiness continues, but I’m forcing a change in myself immediately.

I am promising myself, and you, that this is the end of Tony. He is in the rest view mirror and I am moving on. If his wife can take pity on me, I need to take pity on myself.

Void

I realize that the text posts overlapped with my regularly scheduled writing about my resume. That could be confusing to wonder what state of mind I’m in if you were to read the posts in order. The text posts were in real time.

I got so close to *not* sending the text. I wrote a post. I stepped away. And then I just snapped.

The best way I can describe this would be like a metal door Sliding down in front of me, encasing me in a dark windowless, airless room. The room is absent of sound and light. I hit send and went about my way. No thought, no reaction, no remorse.

I went about my evening, admitted my guilt to my bff, and took some sleeping pills. I woke in the same state of apathy. My friend called and told me how disappointed she was and how she needed me to start digging in and doing the work on myself I clearly haven’t done since Mexico.

Thank you for all of your comments and input. I wish I had a better explanation for my actions.

I wish I felt more than I do. My friend said I should be prepared for the worst – for his anger or her anger now directing at me or my family. I don’t know “how” I prepare for what may come (or not).

I slept more than I should have today and just decided to take a mental and physical break. Sit on the couch and think.

Ann once said to me “I need to burn the bridges behind me” and that always stuck with me. I need to load them with gasoline and explosives and toss a match. I leave behind the wreckage that I myself have become. I wish I understood this deep, dark desire to “do unto others” because I acknowledge it’s horrible. This is worse than a child throwing a tantrum.

I haven’t tried prayer and that seems to be the one thing I should try. To pray to a higher power for patience, kindness and forgiveness. For the ability to believe in myself and control my impulsivity. I need to find faith in myself, in a higher power, in anything because I’ve lost my way entirely.

Who Is That Person?

Slowly, very slowly, I have been easing myself back into the real world and acknowledging I don’t have much longer to subsist on liquid assets and have to earn an income. Oh joy.

My time is running out quickly. March 1st was the internal deadline I set for myself to have a job and start being fit. That gave me a full 6 months of healing. I have done absolutely nothing in the way of fitness and believe me I have all the time in the world as well as an expensive Peloton Bike. I have, however, started the gears going on my job search.

Luckily, I have a good outplacement service paid for by previous employer. I had a slow start as I was confused about how to search for a role that pretty much doesn’t exist anymore. It wasn’t until my resume rewrite was complete that I realized I had to change the way I was thinking about transferable skills as well as what I may want to achieve in my next role.

My resume writer is very strong, definitely better than the one I had in 2014. We speak on the phone and she gives me suggestions about how to finesse my thoughts on my brand (me). I realized through research what was bothering me about my old resume. The resume appeared to say “I did this” and then “I did more of this” and finally “I did a lot more of this” without really highlighting my soft skills that have been quantifiable from my previous role. I was solely focused on my technical skills as I had been in the past, and many of those are actually not transferable skills. But, soft skills are hard to quantify – everyone can state “influential and dynamic” in writing, but I had actually influenced change and created a dynamic process and team – I had quantifiable achievements that can be considered highly valuable in another area.

So we talked through what was on my mind, I made some bullet points for her to use as specifics and a jumping off point to refine and wordsmith to create my brand and we had a blueprint to a new resume focus.

The resume that came back was fascinating! It took me more than a few minutes to digest that it was, perhaps, me. It felt uncomfortable at first. I sent it to a few close peers and received back “sounds just like you, Mads!” Even when I questioned them “isn’t that too over the top? Do I really do these things? do you receive me as a Visionary Leader?” their answers were always “yes, that’s you now.”

Ummmmmm, ok. Humbled.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I haven’t had many moments of true happiness and confidence in 9 months. I got the iceberg in January of 18, but I really didn’t begin to sink until April of 18. Once I took on water, I went down fast from April – September. By September I had given up all hope and just wished for a painless exit. We all know I wasn’t granted my wish, God has a higher purpose for me. I didn’t experience any lasting moments of Joy from April through November, it seemed as if one more difficult, trying or miserable thing just kept happening and I was helpless to affect the outcome.

Regardless if Rob is never apart of my life, the Thanksgiving Football Party with my family, friends and Rob brought me a great deal of happiness for the first time in what had felt like forever. The feeling continued for some time and was the first glimpse that I could move forward. I had another lovely burst of joy around a holiday party with my family, sans a man, but it didn’t have the same lingering effect as the first. My life isn’t entirely devoid of happy moments, they just seem to fade very quickly at this time.

The resume was the second instance of lingering confidence and joy, and this didn’t happen until January. You will all be pleased to note this had nothing to do with a man! Reading the new view of myself elevated my confidence level to the moon and back. But then the doubts crept in – was that really me? Could I do it? Did I want to do it? Do I want to work that had to achieve? Was I presenting an imaginary version of myself?

I knew I could do it if I put my mind to it, but my mind isn’t necessarily in working order these days.

I also know I need to be consistent with positive thoughts and put my statements out into the universe, repeat them and bring the positive energy and light back unto me. I do believe in this, but putting daily mindfulness into practice has always been difficult for me.

I chose to take a webinar about bulletproof confidence. I need to invest in myself and do more mindfulness, but the hours of doing nothing still seem to slip by. The therapist says I will get there, but I’m beginning to get worried that I’m buried in cement as I can’t seem to maintain the effort.

What am I so afraid of?

The glimpses come and they are wonderful and enlightening, but I cannot sustain them. Maybe I am just too afraid of flying high and failing all over again: making promises I can’t actually keep because I’m a fraud?

A failed relationship, a failed career and parenting fails out the whazoo. I’m tired of picking myself up off the ground only to find myself here again, but my total lack of desire to even try this time is frightening, even to me.