Back to Nothing

I thought the little getaway would perk me up. 4 days of sex, fun and sun and then stopping to see a friend in a new city on the way home for a night.

Did I have fun? Sure.

But now the fun is over and I’m back to nothingness. I’m so bored I can’t motivate myself.

I’m also in a financial panic. I’ve been waking up with night sweats and a sense of complete panic because of the debt I’ve put myself into. I have NEVEE been worried about money and clearly part of the reason I’m in so much debt is because I don’t even know how to worry about money. There’s always been a good job and more money. But now there’s not. The thought that I’m about to topple all the years of hard work for being thoughtless about money is sickening to me. This is the quality in me that my x railed against daily. Oh how he hated this part of me. Of course, I couldn’t see it this way when I was working and earning. Nor should he have treated me that way when I was working and earning – I just needed to learn moderation and temperance and not be extremely limited the way he managed me. My ability to ignore my true circumstance has now led me into a debt I’m no longer sure I can handle and I’m scared to death.

I am beginning to become immobilized.

I cannot find a job. Any job. Even one that pays 1/3 of my past salaries – which would take me back to earning what I earned in my 30’s ! There is nothing out there I can get my hands wrapped around. I’m still on unemployment at the moment so taking “any” job isn’t an option if it won’t net more than the unemployment.

I have to start looking at alternative careers and I don’t even know where to start. The thought of having to sell real estate is sickening me. And if I feel that way, I won’t even be good at it. I don’t mean to diminish anyone’s role in life but I don’t want to sell real estate. I want to do the job I have worked for my entire life, the role I’m trained for. I just want to work in my career field. Writing this is making me ill.

Compound this with my inability to be actually do anything at home. I could clean cabinets and closets and get shit done but, instead, I’m back on the couch binge watching. I’m sure no one knows my life is falling apart, I never give that outward appearance. But I’m spiraling.

I haven’t even heard a peep from Dan since I left Florida. How crappy is that? I didn’t really expect to, I guess. Maybe I did. But something after 4 days and nights together? Something? It makes me feel used. But didn’t I use him, too? These feelings are so conflicted. I want more from him but I don’t really want him. I didn’t feel any pull toward wanting more from him and I suspect that’s because he makes it abundantly clear he doesn’t want more from me in his own actions. I don’t know if that’s intentional or not. I don’t know if I will hear from him again or not either. I don’t see any reason I wouldn’t, when he has business in my city again, but who knows. I’m not dwelling on him or the situation, but I am beginning to wonder what is so wrong with me that no one wants me. No one.

I haven’t stopped exercising. It’s my one thing I hold on to to keep my sanity. Somehow I have also be invited to the “inner sanctum” of the Peloton group I’m in. I suspected there were cliques behind the scene and I had pretty much identified the “cool kids”. I was always in their peripheral sites because I’m engaged in the social media and the live studio. One of the girls was coming to NYC and asked if I could do a studio class with her and I spent the day with her (I do this for anyone in the group who asks which is becoming more common as I become more “well-known” in my group). The friend I met on the way home from Florida was also in this side group and I hadn’t met her IRL either. We connected in person immediately as I was drawn to her. After meeting these two, I was pleasantly surprised when I was invited “in” to the inner group and their daily communication. I’ve never been in group chats with “friends” who talk about anything. Like there’s no filter. It’s interesting. I don’t necessarily think I’m going to dive head first into suddenly having a new close friend group, but this group chat and engagement is a nice thing to be a part of – even if it’s just one more virtual connection. I’ve been invited to a gathering as well, if I can get to the other side of the country. Would I enjoy it? How would I “really” in? When someone has nothing to do and nothing on their mind, this at least adds some distraction for me.

I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m quickly losing all or any motivation I may have had and starting to become depressed. Not like the summer of 18 depressed, but sinking into an apathy I can’t shake.

And, an interesting note, I mentioned I had blocked Tony and his multiple alter egos from my IG when he was stalking. I also sent him a text calling him out on it. I unblocked him last week (which I clean out all my blocks every couple months so he was part of this). He’s back. When I saw him this time I just thought “oh well, if you really want to look, go ahead”. It’s not a show. My IG is real life and my life isn’t all that exciting at the moment so he’s not seeing much except my Peloton activity. I have given thought to him – what if I bumped into him, how would I feel? My heart made no jumps. I miss what we had. I miss how he made me feel. I miss him. And I realize how over it is and how damaged it always was. It makes me sad that I haven’t had any functional and healthy relationships in my life and the one that I consider the most perfect was probably one of the most flawed.

I feel like I don’t add any value to life. This is the same question I was facing when I went to Mexico. The difference then was I didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with such a big challenge. I’m not sure how well I will deal with it now, but I know I’m not throwing my life away because of it this time. I just need to find a way to regain control. I need a new path. At the moment I’m so covered in weeds I’m having trouble seeing and breathing.

Little Tiny Pity Party

I’m having one of these for myself at the moment. I’ve felt it coming in between the dating, my sisters wedding and no work. I’ve been able to put it off but it’s finally arrived – and like all things Madeline – it sucks the physical energy from me which I have no control over.

It’s always amazing to me how strong my unconscious mind is that it can control my body.

I always worry now about falling into a deeper pit of depression. Last year was some serious wake up call to just how strong my mind is when it’s blackened by depressions and anxiety. You know I don’t even recall last summer or getting to Mexico. I feel like it happened to someone else. Even lying in hospital for the 5 weeks I’ve nearly forgotten.

At the moment I am truly worried about finances. I am heavily in credit card debt for the first time since divorce and see no immediate way out. I can begin to dissolve my retirement savings but trying not to do that until next year due to the tax implications. There are NO jobs out there. Literally none. And we have entered into a dead zone for job hunting around the holidays now.

I am sad that another holiday season will pass without a man. I’m reflecting on the fact that I’ve never had a really solid relationship since my teens/early twenties – if you can even count those. I question all the time what I’m doing wrong that I can change to find a match. I’m not looking right now as I promised myself a break – which I need – but just trying to evaluate a better way to go about making a good match.

Luckily, one of the 3 big issues from last year that caused the breakdown has improved drastically. My kids have really matured during this year and I’ve found a better cadence with them. It’s not always perfect, but they have matured to the point where everyone is more comfortable at home together and there’s little to no daily struggle anymore. Yes, of course, at their ages this should be expected – but a year ago it wasn’t happening and I was at my wits end being a parent. I realized I wasn’t communicating enough with my kids. I was protecting or shielding them from anything I felt they shouldn’t worry about as children. As much as some of this was right, my mistake was not speaking up more often. About how I was feeling, about life in general. I’m learning how to do this with them now and find they are much more communicative with me.

Im struggling with getting out of bed, and once I do, getting off the couch. The funny thing now is – I work out – then get right back on the couch. I need to self-impose a schedule despite the fact I don’t have anything specific to do. I also need to assign myself small tasks to complete each day. I know what I need to do, I’m just failing at actually doing it.

I had committed to a weekend Peloton event which I’m now regretting financially since it will be expensive. But I had already paid for more than half and it’s a healthy event (good for mind and body) so I am following through with it. After this, finances must be on lockdown so I don’t create additional debt. My sisters bachelorette and wedding put me back a few thousand and I didn’t even give her a gift yet (I’m sure she didn’t like this but I explained I will have to owe her).

Speaking of my sister, she wasn’t so great in the lead up of the wedding or the wedding day. I sat back and did what I thought I should, when I should. I felt like I was invisible as compared to how she treated her friends. It was a pretty crap feeling but I had felt it coming since her shower and had already experienced it at her bachelorette. I know this added to my general feeling of malaise. That, and the fact that I didn’t have a date at the wedding and my boys were bored out of their minds. I considered speaking to her about it but I’m pretty sure I’ve decided to just let it all drop. The relationship will tip back to normal now that we don’t have to be full on with one another.

Trying to get through this moment and looking forward to a fun weekend filled with new friends and activity and a nice Thanksgiving.