Little Tiny Pity Party

I’m having one of these for myself at the moment. I’ve felt it coming in between the dating, my sisters wedding and no work. I’ve been able to put it off but it’s finally arrived – and like all things Madeline – it sucks the physical energy from me which I have no control over.

It’s always amazing to me how strong my unconscious mind is that it can control my body.

I always worry now about falling into a deeper pit of depression. Last year was some serious wake up call to just how strong my mind is when it’s blackened by depressions and anxiety. You know I don’t even recall last summer or getting to Mexico. I feel like it happened to someone else. Even lying in hospital for the 5 weeks I’ve nearly forgotten.

At the moment I am truly worried about finances. I am heavily in credit card debt for the first time since divorce and see no immediate way out. I can begin to dissolve my retirement savings but trying not to do that until next year due to the tax implications. There are NO jobs out there. Literally none. And we have entered into a dead zone for job hunting around the holidays now.

I am sad that another holiday season will pass without a man. I’m reflecting on the fact that I’ve never had a really solid relationship since my teens/early twenties – if you can even count those. I question all the time what I’m doing wrong that I can change to find a match. I’m not looking right now as I promised myself a break – which I need – but just trying to evaluate a better way to go about making a good match.

Luckily, one of the 3 big issues from last year that caused the breakdown has improved drastically. My kids have really matured during this year and I’ve found a better cadence with them. It’s not always perfect, but they have matured to the point where everyone is more comfortable at home together and there’s little to no daily struggle anymore. Yes, of course, at their ages this should be expected – but a year ago it wasn’t happening and I was at my wits end being a parent. I realized I wasn’t communicating enough with my kids. I was protecting or shielding them from anything I felt they shouldn’t worry about as children. As much as some of this was right, my mistake was not speaking up more often. About how I was feeling, about life in general. I’m learning how to do this with them now and find they are much more communicative with me.

Im struggling with getting out of bed, and once I do, getting off the couch. The funny thing now is – I work out – then get right back on the couch. I need to self-impose a schedule despite the fact I don’t have anything specific to do. I also need to assign myself small tasks to complete each day. I know what I need to do, I’m just failing at actually doing it.

I had committed to a weekend Peloton event which I’m now regretting financially since it will be expensive. But I had already paid for more than half and it’s a healthy event (good for mind and body) so I am following through with it. After this, finances must be on lockdown so I don’t create additional debt. My sisters bachelorette and wedding put me back a few thousand and I didn’t even give her a gift yet (I’m sure she didn’t like this but I explained I will have to owe her).

Speaking of my sister, she wasn’t so great in the lead up of the wedding or the wedding day. I sat back and did what I thought I should, when I should. I felt like I was invisible as compared to how she treated her friends. It was a pretty crap feeling but I had felt it coming since her shower and had already experienced it at her bachelorette. I know this added to my general feeling of malaise. That, and the fact that I didn’t have a date at the wedding and my boys were bored out of their minds. I considered speaking to her about it but I’m pretty sure I’ve decided to just let it all drop. The relationship will tip back to normal now that we don’t have to be full on with one another.

Trying to get through this moment and looking forward to a fun weekend filled with new friends and activity and a nice Thanksgiving.