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I opened my email to a letter from Scott. This shredded me a little and my stomach turned as I read each line. I didn’t know what to expect.

At the end, I don’t know if he is saying goodbye or resolved. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how to feel.

Here is his letter:

I am truly sorry for what has transpired and where we are now. I’m sorry for how we got here, the things that were said. I was so hurt. So very hurt with how I felt in every moment we disagreed. So very hurt when I would try so hard to do things for you, for your expectations, things that felt as though it was never enough to. I always wanted to make you happy. To be your partner forever. You are so special to me. I am in love with you. Always have been. Always will be. Since I first saw you. It sounds as though I haven’t said it enough or clearly enough.
Yet, it felt as though I wasn’t enough. It felt as though I couldn’t do the correct things to satisfy your needs, to meet your expectations. It felt as though you couldn’t find the enjoyment you desired with me as your partner. Those feelings have persisted in me for some time now. I tried to adapt and overcome the challenges that seemed to be the root cause of the tension between us. I just couldn’t seem to quell the storm while the tension just seemed to keep compounding.

The way I responded to you last week hurts me. I am sorry for my reaction and my behavior. Missing you in my life, as my girl, as my best friend, as my confidant, will forever hurt my soul. I dreamed of being the one who could calm your soul. I dreamed of being the one who would get to hold your hand at the end of our life’s journey. I wanted it so badly. 

I wanted so badly to be there for you. To support you in whatever was troubling you. I wanted to be your guy. To heal your wounds. To walk into old age at your side, proud of who you are. Proud of who you’ll become. Proud that my girl was so intelligent, driven, classy, elegant, pretty. Proud that I was the person that got to hold your hand. I am in awe of you and what you have accomplished.

There has been no one that has brought such an impact to me or has had on my life. You have brought the absolute best out in me. I wanted to change to do the things that would bring gratitude and joy to your life. You made me want to be the best version of myself while being the best partner to you. 

I remember staying up late and playing twenty questions just so you could watch me squirm and try not to tell the whole story. You challenged me always to talk about things I generally find uncomfortable. You have always asked me for more than I am capable of giving. You have pushed me to the limit with me as a willing participant. That’s how I knew you were my girl. You were special to me. You were the most important person in my life.

But it doesn’t seem to be like that anymore. The answers I give you now have to be more carefully considered so that you aren’t hurt emotionally. They have to be washed over so do not circle back to create a contentious point. We don’t seem to see each other as special anymore. We don’t seem to have the same reverence for the gift we received by meeting each other. I miss our fun times. I miss you.

There are also many things that I am unable to process or understand. Many times I do not understand why or how you became upset with me. I felt so attacked and as though you were very condescending to my feelings or opinions. Even trying to understand how those situations developed and escalated to a point that we could no longer have any dialogue is baffling to me. I do not understand my role in those moments, how I am supposed to resolve the things that you are upset about. Most of all, I never wanted to be the person that made you cry. 

Unfortunately, I have not exhibited the best reactions in those times. Times when you needed me to be supportive and understanding. Those are the times when I could see it all slipping away from me. In times that I knew I wasn’t equipped to make you happy and save our relationship. In times that I felt my love for you wasn’t going to be enough to sustain us. Times that scared me as I felt I was facing an end to our time together. Something I wanted desperately to prevent.

Still, at some point though, it seems that things compounded and slipped out of our hands. It felt as though tensions grew so quickly between us that we could never seem to gain control of what the underlying issues were. I do not understand why we went from enjoying our time together as much as we did to this new uncomfortable, contentious dynamic that seemed challenging for both of us to wrap our arms around. I will never understand how or why things changed.

I feel that this is now why we are where we are. That we lost the ability to enjoy each other’s company as we once did. That we failed to enjoy the benefits we brought into each other’s lives. That we no longer were supportive of the others viewpoint. That we just wanted to be right and win the battle. It seemed as though we no longer shared mutual respect for each other’s needs.

I know that we address things that trouble ourselves very differently and those things quickly developed into battle lines. None of the battles we fought were necessary. There was no issue that was so huge that we couldn’t have overcome nor should these things have meant the end of us. Yet, with each moment of trouble, we seemed to grow more entrenched allowing the moments to contribute significantly to the tension as we never resolved our growing conflicts.

Most of all, I’m not mad. I’m not angry. I do not like you deciding my mood either. What I am is I’m bewildered. I’m frustrated. That is all. I do not understand how we got here. Why we got here. There’s no joy in bickering about nonsensical things every moment. I wish we knew how to fix it. I wish we could fix it.  

You stated that you were trying so hard to make me happy. You. You make me happy. You brought me joy. This will always be a time that I look on as beautiful memories in my heart. I so enjoy our memories that we made together. I will forever cherish them. I will forever cherish you.

I want you to succeed and achieve the absolute best the world can offer you. You deserve it. I wanted so badly to be at your side, holding your hand, as you accomplished all you desire. You will always be my girl.

First Therapy session since some time in the summer of 2019. I recall the last one being some kind of Tony triggering a phone call to the therapist on a sunny day in some kind of anxiety ridden panic.

Funny how I don’t feel that way anymore.

Today I feel some sort of anxiety, but I can ride this wave, its not the same, its so much ore moderated and full of disappointment.

It felt good to get started but I hate how slow it goes, I want to word vomit it all and have her brain spill all its knowledge and understanding back at me so we can solve my emotional dilemmas and move on.

I know I’m facing a few big ones: selling the house, moving, failure, leaving the kids, being alone, ending a relationship etc. Today we focused on the most accessible: ending the relationship with Scott. She wants me to reread Attached as well as another book called The emotionally Unavailable Man by Patti Henry. I’m always open for new thoughts to grow with and learn from.

This all just sucks

I know the only way through is through.

I’m a little angry today. That’s a new feeling for me. I’m much more disconnected than I ever expected to be. There could be a bunch of reasons for this:

• I was expecting it to end
• I knew it should end
• I was tired of the fights
• He was never the right person for me
• I wanted more than I knew he could give me

I stay close to my friends and reach out when I’m feeling low.

I’m getting more angry as each day passes, but also weirdly settled into thinking he’s going to eventually reach out. There is no reason for me to believe this at all, but it is what my gut tells me and she’s rarely wrong.

I’m angrier because what he has done now these last few months is just wrong. Each argument had become progressively worse with his abandonment of me. He knew this was my worst fear yet couldn’t help himself that last day.

When I think back to the last day I try really, really hard to see what I could have done differently to create a different outcome and I see I could have asked different questions. I do struggle with this a bit, I feel like its on both parties to speak up.

He claims he was always telling me what he wanted in a clear way – but if he was – how was I missing every cue every time? How could I be so obtuse? I am relatively intuitive when it comes to friends and family but he claims I can’t read him or his body language and I admit I have had a hard time understanding him since the very beginning, I never thought he was very clear.

But, I also have concerns. Concerns that some of his claims are the same I’ve heard from my x, that I am overly critical. But Scott has one I have never heard: that I am selfish. I have never been told I’m selfish, not once in a relationship. You could argue that being selfish is wanting things your own way and we are splitting hairs over the words we use, but its strange no one else ever called me selfish. Everyone has called me self-aware. Yet, Scott thinks I don’t see my part in contributing to anything.

When he was sitting across from me the last night, raised voice and angry, yet saying he wasn’t angry, and asking me what my part in “all this was” all I could do was look at him and think “you don’t take any responsibility AT ALL but are very good at pushing all the responsibility back to me because you’re angry.”

I wish I could find a way to better explain the dynamic of those conversations. How he is so angry and I am trying to negotiate through the conversation and he only sees it one way. The only way through any of the previous conversations was for me to give in entirely and I was not willing to do it this time, it was as simple as that for me. I knew it going into it that weekend, I wasn’t going to give in if he did it to me again.

He claims I threw a temper tantrum but sees no fault of his own.

He has no clue I keep a blog and have literal notes of what has comes before. I have unfinished posts of some of the arguments so I know my perspective on those as well. I know I can’t be as oblivious as he claims, nor can I be as emotionally abusive as he claims. The problem is that he doesn’t want to grow up and address his own buried issues, and its easier to attack the triggers I bring out in him.

Each day that passes I feel more strongly that I did dodge a bullet.

I miss talking to him about nonsense. I miss laughing and I miss a buddy. I hate the idea of starting over again. It was a long shot to think I would ever find someone who would be able to move with me.

Geez, when I read back, I already knew the outcome, didn’t I?

I took all of this from one post dated 10/2/20:

He treats me as if I am a prize that he never thought he would win and often seems to be in awe of me. (This stopped)

He has already told me he would move heaven and earth for me if I would just let him. (He feels as if he was still doing this for me, I don’t disagree)

If I like it, he wants to like it right away too. While this is great, I want someone who maintains their own identity. I decided to run a half marathon and he immediately chose to run it with me. I like a certain type of music and he wants to listen to it all the time with me. I like wine and he will drink it with me. I like shellfish and he will eat it with me. None of this is bad, I just don’t want him morphing into what he thinks is the perfect man for me simply to attract me. (But this is what happened, he played pretend to attract me, and then rebelled with a cry of “let me be me”)

Scott is a good man. He tells me he has a mean streak that he doesn’t like about himself and I see that coming out as arrogance right now, but I believe him when he tells me, I just haven’t seen it (yup, see it now pretty clearly)

He compliments me constantly. Nothing is ever wrong with me (except he thinks I’m snobby too, who wouldn’t). Again, not sure what I think about this. Of course I want to be all the things to him but it falls flat when every word out of his mouth is how beautiful and special and amazing I am. (Lots of the compliments stopped. Actually until I read back I had forgotten how complimentary he was in the beginning because I was so strongly feeling the lack of affirmation towards the end)

I do worry that I’m not always so nice and I can be a bitter pill to take. He seems good at deflecting this quality in me and it tends to have me loosen my reigns – which is very unusual for me. He doesn’t dig in in opposition to me but instead tries to offer alternative viewpoints without pressing me. My need to be right all the time is much less aggressive with Scott and this is unique (he definitely did not handle me well for much longer)

The last piece: I notice he doesn’t really ask me a lot of open ended questions. He is very in tune to me and pays attention, but he doesn’t seem to try and get to know the way my mind works. Rather, he goes for the outward things like my favorite food, wine, exercise (he joined Peloton because of me) or music. These things he nails because he watches me closely. Tony dug around. He asked about my family, my past, my education, why I liked some things and not others, what I dreamed of, what my sorrows were. Scott seems to be focused on how to please me. He often notes that I ask him a lot of questions and some of them make him uncomfortable to be so vulnerable but he likes opening up to me. But he doesn’t really come up with his own questions. (and this never changed)

This was depressing.

Mostly because I feel that there is just as much good in here as negative. What could I have done differently to have a different outcome. Maybe even just a less abrupt ending?

Do I have control of myself because I really don’t care? Because maybe I don’t really love him? Maybe I knew all along it wasn’t going to work?

This behavior is so unlike me (yea yea, everyone is happy I’m not batshit crazy like usual, but come on, this is just strange). Where did Trixie go?

Did Tony kill her? Mexico? Is she suffocated? Dead for good?

There isn’t even a crazy THOUGHT in my head. Not one.

The first few times we fought I went through some sort of emotional upheaval and afterwards I thought to myself…did I just feel that way to resolve the situation? Did I just not want to fight?

It might be. I may have fixed it or smoothed things out more because I didn’t want the disruption than I wanted the relationship? It occurred to me then and it occurs to me now.

I may have also grown up a little. I like to think its more about that but I’m actually unsure. Maybe I just found a bit of my own self worth and stubbornness. I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he’s treated me.

Why am I so guilty that this relationship failed?

Or even, not call it a failure, we tried and it just didn’t work out.

Yet, I sit here feeling horribly guilty that I failed. I failed again.

They are all in relationship, the big ones I failed at before: my x, Tony, or Bobby.

Why does this somehow upend me that I can’t find my person? Or that those men have relationship? Is that some kind of weird jealousy?

I’m crying because I feel like a big fat failure. I lost the perfect man (in my dreams that would have meant Tony). An ideal job. My home of 40+ years. I couldn’t lose weight without a surgery that almost killed me. I can never seem to stave off depression. I feel like I am failing my kids because I am leaving them before they even exit college.

I just wanted it all to stop.

For a few minutes there, Scott gave me that. The world stopped crushing me and I started to feel strong and confident again. Someone was holding my hand again. I know its wrong to depend on anyone else to validate me, but there it is. I haven’t really learned how to do that. I’m so tired of trying, just so tired.

I want things to be easier. This was something I admired about Scott – how he viewed his world/life/situation with such simplicity. He wanted things to be simple. As much as this is what I would like, I struggle with this type of simplicity as it also means complacency which somehow correlates to failure for me.

If Scott have me nothing else, he gave me the ability to see things through a different lens. One that was focused on experience over things. He lived a life unattached to many things and while I wouldn’t want a life quite that unencumbered, it does show me I can be lighter than I am. I weigh myself down being such an over-achiever that is guilty for not over-achieving anymore. I could almost see beginning to live differently if I just let go of my grip.

And maybe, a strong maybe, I crushed him in my death grip of over achieving perfectionism. It just be to hard to compete with an ideal that no longer exists. He has no idea what I’ve had and given up because he can only see what I have now.

When speaking to my closest friend yesterday she said she wished she could explain to him how far I’ve come before he judged me. If he could somehow see that year over year I progress in my endeavor to be a better human. Would it matter? Or would he still need me to be as complacent and unencumbered as he?

I’ve truly been doing the best I can.

Something is so off for me. I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly. I can name plenty of things, but there is something deeply, deeply rooted that I can not unearth.

I can’t have the conversation about a job search with anyone anymore. I’m tired of hearing the stock answers that “you’re so smart and talented someone you will always land on your feet!” Or “why can’t you do something else? I’m sure you have transferable skills!” Then their brainstorming starts “have you tried this!” “I know someone who does that, why can’t you?” “I know admin assistants that make over $100k – surely you can find a job!” Do people truly not understand how hard it is to pivot a career at 53 years old? A career built in very, very specific and technical experience? I sound cranky because I am.

I am not unhappy with the job I have exactly. I doesn’t pay enough (I took 1/3 of my normal salary, so that puts me back to what I made when I was 30 years old) but I remind myself every single day that I am very grateful to have any job in my industry. It’s on the other side of the country and I just don’t want to live in Portland, Oregon. While some friends try and encourage me and make it sound like a great new adventure, I feel that the ones who are the most honest with me will say “its not your place and hopefully this is only temporary.” It is not my place. I am an urbanite at heart. Going to a crunchy granola, outdoor loving extremely liberal place yet totally not diverse city is just not for me. I am praying I can convince my new team that I can remain remote for good. If I can do that, I can come up with a plan that feels comfortable to me, despite the loss of salary. I am trying every day to remain positive and grateful.

In the meantime I am so overwhelmed with the timing and making a plan – and that’s a kiss of death for a planner like me.

I have decided to sell my home. While the pain of this decision resonates with me every day, I know this is the right decision. My brain is in overdrive to think of ways to stay, to keep my old dream of living here forever so my grandchildren could be close (imaginary grandchildren I don’t even have yet). I fight with myself daily to stick to my decision to sell. The market is ideal for a home like in in my proximity to the city. My brain is working so hard to keep me here that I often wake in a cold sweat fighting with this decision.

Besides the emotional and mental challenge to sell, I struggle with logistical challenges. Ideally, I want to pack up and move once. I don’t foresee that happening unless I can go totally remote. I want to be in my home until my youngest is off to college in early September – this really isn’t ideal for a new family to move in, so I know I have to be out in the summer. The plans look as follows depending on my circumstances:

1. Sell the house as close to my move date as possible, pack everything and put into storage. If I had to live with my sister 2.5 hours away until my youngest is off to college, I suppose I could do that. Then, move to Portland and rent a furnished apartment for about 6 months while looking for a place to live.
2. If remote, sell the house in the summer, buy (or rent) a townhome further south in the same state where it would be more affordable but keeping me within about an hour drive to all my family and friends

I need to avoid moving more than twice – once out of this house and then once our of storage. That’s already super costly AND I have to consider how to get my car and stuff I need to wherever I land in the interim of having a full time home.

Right now, my job expects me to move around September. I do believe I can convince them to let me stay home longer, but even if they did, that wouldn’t be sensible as far as selling my home because I would have no where to live. I am so stressed about how I will see my kids if I leave this state. I don’t make enough money to maintain any type of residence in two states. And I know my kids well enough, they may come visit once, but they won’t want to be put out. That really sucks.

Add this break up on top of everything and I feel really shitty.

I have my first therapy appointment Friday. I’m praying most of the service is covered because she’s expensive. If I have to pay 20% it will already be $50 which isn’t a terrible fee every week. But if the insurance does that “usual and customary fee” thing and they say they only pay 80% of (not $250 which is her rate) then I might be paying much more – and I can’t even afford the $50 frankly.

I don’t want to go on more meds. I can barely have an orgasm as it is, and any stronger meds will kill my libido. At least my sex life was healthy.

I feel so crushed by the weight of everything lately. At least before I had Scott to hold my hand through so much of this change. Now I’m just alone.

I don’t even have friends or family to help me through this exactly. I lost my best friend post Mexico, and I sort of don’t blame her. My other closest friend is not the type to come running to help in a crisis, she would be there on the phone, but that’s about it.

I’m just feeling like I’ve really fucked up my life since 2018 and I don’t know how to get any part of it back.

If I wrote a letter to you, what would it say?

If I wrote a letter to myself what would it say?

They say at the end of a relationship you should write down all the things you didn’t like about a relationship instead of focusing on all the things you did like. They also say you should work through a process of forgiveness.

This week was The 1 year anniversary of the day we met. After a big fight last week where he broke up with me on the phone “we’re done here” but I reached out with an attempt to resolve, I knew in my heart of hearts we were not making it through this weekend. Yet, we both arrived full of hope.

There was one thing I was clear about, for both our parts, should he abandon me again in anger, I would not stop him from leaving this time.

The truth is, I don’t know exactly what turned him so angry on the second day. I honestly and truly do not. But it went bad early in the day and only got worse. This resulted in him leaving me behind in the hotel before 9pm and going home, leaving me to get back on the train and head home the next day.

I didn’t cry during this fight because I had already cried close to 2 hours during the day, which angered and embarrassed him. He really doesn’t understand emotion and the fact that he was more worried about being embarrassed than soothing me shows how deep the emotional insecurity runs. He thinks it’s a play or manipulation to get him to have sympathy for me, I assure you it was not.

I didn’t understand why I cried so much yesterday but I do now. The moment he got made at me I knew it was over. I just knew there was no coming back from this one. I knew he would ultimately abandon me at some point during the day/night and I could not control my emotional response to that. I could not articulate this to him yesterday and I’m pretty sure if I did, I still wouldn’t have gotten the soothing I needed to come down off my ledge. Once again I was the one to ultimately attempt repair during the day, but he sat on his anger until he pounced.

We don’t know how to communicate with one another on the things that are important.

The strangest thing of all is we get mad in trying to please the other. He feels like no matter what he does it’s wrong or not enough and I feel exactly the same way. When I think I’m being agreeable and not complaining, somehow I am still not doing what he needs. I wish I could figure it out because, long term, Scott is the type of partner I want to be with. But, I don’t know how to separate emotion from practicality.

I do know I can’t live in fear he will leave when he’s angry. Or have him be so mad at me that he sees no part in the event leading up to the argument. More than any other time in my life I tried to do what he needed, I thought I was. Yesterday was a clear indicator that I cannot do what he needs me to do and he cannot seem to give me what I need emotionally.

He does try. He really does try to please me. Until I piss him off, and now, after too many arguments about the same triggers and patterns, he can’t stay in the moment and the whole thing just whips around.

Last night when things started I remained stat felt disengaged (like I said I had cried most of the day) and after being told there was no reason to cry and I embarrassed him, I kept my emotion removed. As he escalated and began packing I asked him to stop speaking multiple times because at that point it was all attack until I finally went into the bathroom to wait for him to leave the room.

I let my kids and friends know I was alone and coming home the next day. Then I took a gummy and went to sleep.

My heart hurts today, my brain is foggy and I just want these feelings to pass so I can get on with the process of healing.

I know he will not reach out and that kills me. I know he will never be the one to make a first move anymore. I have to accept that it is what it is and I can no longer do it. I need to stick by my own word and demonstrate some self worth for once.

I am just numb today. I thought maybe I could write the list of the reasons why not, but that hurts too much today.

I want to be with someone who feels I’m worth a chase, an apology, or comfort sometimes – no matter how angry and upset they are. I want to feel safe. I want to be seen when I hurt or even when I’m wrong. I want to learn how to fight fair (and I have in this relationship) and come out the other side of arguments stronger. I don’t mind that he held a mirror to my ugly spots, I don’t mind acknowledging and accepting there are things that should I change to be a better person. I cannot do that with someone who repeatedly says “I am who I am” but does not allow me the same luxury.

I am really sad. I hope I have the strength to weather this storm. I have an appt with my therapist now that I have some health coverage again. I know there is work to be done on myself.

And I know I need to write a letter of forgiveness to myself. He deserves one, too. But this time I have to learn no one is going to take care of my emotional well being but me.

This is a word I haven’t thought of in a while but it crossed my mind tonight after a conversation with Scott.

I just spent 2 hours searching vaccine appointments for my Dad with no luck, so this will be a short post, but it’s on my mind.

Scott feels he is landed where he wants to be. Status quo and happy with his job and where he is in life. He’s 46 and sees an easy path to retirement working for the government doing what he does very well, but not hardly working. But he’s getting the sense his boss doesn’t want him anymore and is pushing him out. I just needed to listen to him tonight as he was pretty upset and I realized I was describing him incorrectly all along – he does boast about how great he is and how he is the best there is, which I genuinely find appalling. I just didn’t understand why.

Now I do.

He just has no modesty and no humility. And I don’t think he even realizes it. For all my flaws, I have both of these qualities in spades (in person, but you get alllll the word vomit from my head!). I have to keep my mouth shut when he starts on himself because it’s just not how me or my people do it.

I am great at my job, I’m a pretty good mom, daughter snd friend. I do not boast about any of it. I certainly do not boast about my income, my status or my abilities.

I wondered to myself if people who do this never got the recognition they needed when young or got too much recognition? Or are they just loud achievers? There’s no debate he’s good at what he does, but he’s complacent…and believe it or not, this complacency (or lack of ambition) may be a bigger joy killer for me than his anger episodes.

I wonder why some people boast like this and are not modest no matter how good at their jobs they are and why some don’t?

Where’s my psychologists here?!

This is a word I haven’t thought of in a while but it crossed my mind tonight after a conversation with Scott.

I just spent 2 hours searching vaccine appointments for my Dad with no luck, so this will be a short post, but it’s on my mind.

Scott feels he is landed where he wants to be. Status quo and happy with his job and where he is in life. He’s 46 and sees an easy path to retirement working for the government doing what he does very well, but not hardly working. But he’s getting the sense his boss doesn’t want him anymore and is pushing him out. I just needed to listen to him tonight as he was pretty upset and I realized I was describing him incorrectly all along – he does boast about how great he is and how he is the best there is, which I genuinely find appalling. I just didn’t understand why.

Now I do.

He just has no modesty and no humility. And I don’t think he even realizes it. For all my flaws, I have both of these qualities in spades (in person, but you get alllll the word vomit from my head!). I have to keep my mouth shut when he starts on himself because it’s just not how me or my people do it.

I am great at my job, I’m a pretty good mom, daughter snd friend. I do not boast about any of it. I certainly do not boast about my income, my status or my abilities.

I wondered to myself if people who do this never got the recognition they needed when young or got too much recognition? Or are they just loud achievers? There’s no debate he’s good at what he does, but he’s complacent…and believe it or not, this complacency (or lack of ambition) may be a bigger joy killer for me than his anger episodes.

I wonder why some people boast like this and are not modest no matter how good at their jobs they are and why some don’t?

Where’s my psychologists here?!