Slow Down and Reflect

A couple weeks back, I had 3 men on the hook that I had “met” before.

As it turned out, and sort of as I expected, I had never met Man #2, Glenn, and he finally realized it.  He was getting stranger and stranger the longer we communicated and I was trying to slow him down.  I was into meeting him but he pushed so hard that I eventually lost interest.  He was calling constantly, always on face time, and texting even more.  I told him on Saturday morning that I felt more comfortable cancelling our plans as I didn’t feel we were in the same space.  He said “fine” deleted me from Tinder and I never heard from him again.

That was fine, I cleaned my garage!

Man #3, Tony, was able to somehow make little butterflies start up in my tummy.  What is it that makes that immediate connection?  We spoke, text and agreed to meet.  I finally met him on Tuesday, midday for coffee, and was attracted instantly.  He was about 5’11”, all gray and had a rugged appeal.  His voice is awesome and he is super interesting.  When we left the coffee shop, I couldn’t get a read on him….I leaned in for a kiss and he gave me a fantastic tight hug and a soft kiss on the lips.

I text Tony later that day to say “thank you” and he replied that he also enjoyed meeting me.

And that was it….until I text him a good morning on Thursday. He replied that he was super busy and would call me later – which he did – but we didn’t connect until Friday at some point. He told me his weekend plans and then I didn’t hear from him again until Sunday night when I text him first again.

I was already beginning to feel frustration at his communication style. But when I spoke to him there was no reason for me to believe anything other than he was busy doing whatever he was doing and he didn’t particularly like text. He text and called on Monday and asked to see me Thursday and communication was quite light other than making definitive plans.

I am struggling with Tony for no really good reason according to my friends. I have a hyper drive communication style that Bennett fulfilled for almost two years and it’s really hard to adjust to so much less from Tony, even before our first date. Or am I just making excuses that Tony isn’t Bennett? I know I am still mourning, but it’s time to move forward.

There is one other man in my queue, Andrew. We made lunch plans for Tuesday this past week – he asked me – and then he never checked in with me to confirm the date. I didn’t hear from him again until yesterday and he apologized that I thought the plans were firm when he thought they were tentative. Hmmmm….I looked back at the text and don’t agree there should have been any confusion. Either way he asked me out again so we shall see.

I am not happy. So little makes me smile these days. I am stressed over work and the impending loss of my role and the fact I have two college tuitions to pay in August. I am scared to death. Everyone says don’t worry because I have landed on my feet before, but I don’t ever recall being so physically scared of my future. There are more days I want to shut it all down than I want to open my eyes. I have never thought I’m better off dead until now. I have no intention of hurting myself – but it doesn’t prevent the feeling of utter and total failure.

It’s hard to keep waking up every day and putting on foot in front of another to be strong. Strong for my. Children, my team, my friends. Strong enough to get through this. I’m just tired. I know all the things I should be doing and I even know how to do them because I have overcome adversity and struggle before. This time I can’t seem to get there.

I Wish I Didn’t Miss Him So Much

I wish I didn’t think of him every single day.

I wish I didn’t miss the friendship.

I wish I didn’t have such an empty longingness deep within.

This isn’t like the fear I experienced with him last year. The fear of losing him forever. This is so very different. I know he would be in my life if I could manage a relationship with him, but we both know I can’t.

I just love him too much. And I see what I want with him so clearly that it causes resentment and anger that I can’t have it. I tried to take what I could from him, what leftover he had to give me….and it didn’t help the deeper pain. I found my own way out at the end.

It just sort of happened. No massive closure. No big goodbye. Just a soft landing of me saying “I can’t do this anymore.”

I don’t have the hysterical crying jags anymore. When the crying comes it’s so much deeper and painful. I let it wash over me a bit and then gather myself together. This seems to be one of those weekends.

Two years ago last August I was as high as a kite. Confident and happy. Now, as this summer comes around the corner, I am anxious, afraid and depressed. I have allowed someone else to be the guide for my well being for my entire life. I have periods where I see myself and grow from it – but somehow I slip right back into the same bad habit in another disguise.

Bennett was too close to my dreams. Too close to every young girl fantasy of what I expected my life to look like. I can’t explain how that relationship ripped me apart from my foundation. I wish I could be angrier. I wish I could feel more. I just feel dead. Really dead.

My work is falling apart despite trying to course correct for months. I don’t enjoy the pressure of being a single mother and the responsibility on my shoulders.

Maybe this is finally the limit of the weight I can carry. Perhaps my resilience has reached its end. I’ve gone through many period of depression but nothing ever quite felt like this. No heartbreak ever felt like this. Maybe it’s because this time it’s my decision and I know all it takes is a phone call or text and he will be back in some form or another. To reach out is tempting. But to what end? No matter how many times and ways I run the script the outcome stays the same.

Everyone tells me I will be alright. I’m the strongest and most resilient person they know. My friends are here if I want them. But I don’t. I don’t want anyone. No one but him.

I’m so tired of being strong. I’m tired of being alone. I have felt alone for more years than I can count. To have felt, even it was briefly, that I belonged to someone Gave me such immense joy that the crash is worse than I expected.

I’ve been told for so long that my expectations are unrealistic that I can’t believe I found the one who made them feel possible for the first time in my life.

I have never shirked from change in my life and I know its time for another change for me, but I can’t seem to gather the energy and courage it requires to make this change. I was much tougher at the end with Bobby – I fought everything tooth and nail – questioned everything. I didn’t exit gracefully or quietly. I burned everything down behind me.

I have no desire to find the fight in me. I have no desire to do much more than sleep. I am so tired of so many things.

More days have gone by than I count – I do get through many days without painfully missing him – life takes hold. I’m happy when the days pass without simple passing thoughts of him instead of the torture I feel today. This too shall pass, I know. But its here and I decided to write about it instead of texting him.

Dreary Weather

The weather on the East Coast refuses to turn to Spring. I think it’s bringing everyone down. We’ve had more snow than usual and now a bout of rain. Days when you can see the sun are so lovely but the time we spend outside will be short lived as the humidity crushes us sooner than not. I miss the Spring. I see little blooms of hope everywhere and love the sight of the bright Spring blossoms.

I wish I could say I had little blooms of hope too, but I don’t. Work is crushing my soul. I’m not sure I can manage the politics of my role and often times feel like I’m in over my head with the expectations my boss has. Mostly I don’t see his expectations as realistic and he’s a terrible bully and awful leader. The powers that be have spoken to him multiple times yet his style never changes. HR is useless in corporations. A man like this is kept around while he allowed to speak about how he prefers Asian women and their behaviors and keeps hiring Asian women. I thought this kind of stuff was supposed to be eradicated? So much for breaking glass ceilings.

All the stress causes my anxiety to be nonstop. I had to increase my daily meds and start taking Xanax again regularly. I’ve gained so much weight I don’t fit into my clothes. I wake at 6, commute at 7, return home by 9 at least 3/4 days a week. I’m constantly tapped into work as my CEO is always asking me direct questions.

My kids are typical teens. There’s more aggravation some days than others. I mourn their little boy days but suppose that’s natural as I have two going to college this summer. I feel a bit more useless as a mom because the things they need (cooking mostly) I’m not around to do. I do what I can and have attempted to reconcile myself to that’s just how it is. I am a single mom with a high pressure career. They can cook for themselves and do their own laundry. But I still feel guilty.

Bennett is still around. I see him maybe once or twice a month after work. He lost his job early February so he doesn’t have any true reason to stay out overnight. I think I must have reconciled in my head that it is what it is as long as I stay in it. I speak to him every day and he provides kindness, encouragement and support but if we even have sex once a month it’s a lot. I do love him but no longer have hope for things to be different. He’s adjusted to life without kids at home and fallen into a pleasant routine with his wife. If I had any “hope” buried anywhere within my heart it was all crushed when he lost his job. When I saw what he went through and how he behaved and responded, I knew there was zero chance he would ever leave his family and marriage.

I met a man who doesn’t exist – he was his own dream of what he hopes for and that lasted only so long before his reality set back in. I don’t doubt his love for me for one moment, but he could never be the man he had shown me for that short period. He could never sustain true change or even have he courage to truly step towards change on his own.

I’ve been happy to help support him with take and resumes etc and he’s already had some great connections and a freelance gig. He will always swing by work and bring me pretty flowers when he’s near. The bloom on our flower is mostly gone. I don’t know if I can sustain much longer, loving a man who will never be mine.

I’m sad it couldn’t be Bennett, but I know it never will be.

I learned what I need from Bennett and how good it feels to have it. I learned how to stand for what I want and not worry if it takes me longer to find it.

I’ve been dating on and off (mostly off) for the past 6 months but gave it a good strong push towards late March when I knew I would slow down with work travel.

I met Tim, he claimed 5’11” but was definitely not (makes me crazy) and we hit it off via text pretty quickly. He looked handsome in his photos, had a good job and didn’t live too far from my home. We set a date.

I was disappointed in his height when I met him, but tried not to let it bother me because he was also husky (which I like). He was clearly older than his photos, but still an attractive man. We had a slow start of conversation but then it picked up and we enjoyed several hours of chatter.

We parted pleasantly with a peck on the lips and I knew I wasn’t interested in seeing him again. When he contacted me a couple days later, I was honest. He put the full court press on in compliments and I was as polite as possible until, after a week, I blocked him.

I met two others on line that had potential. Switched to text and then: ghosted. It still sucks when you have a tiny bit of “maybe” in your head.

I have another dating story or two up my sleeve. But otherwise my life has become more routine in the sense that I no longer feel the dating frenzy I once did, and have probably entered a period of depression. I hope writing again will help pull me out of it a bit.

Some Nights are Harder than Others

It’s a rare thing for me to cry before sleep.  Generally it only happens in times of immense sadness.

This time it’s because of immense stress.  

For the first time in my life I really feel like a failure.

Work is so tough and I just can’t seem to navigate the depth of the water I’m in.  I am falling apart at the seams being overwhelmed by the enormity of the expectations around my role.  I am facing blame for failures that are not within my role, but sort of sideways to my role, and somehow expected to enforce these other areas as well as mine.  My boss is under so much pressure from the new CEO that this is coming down on me as well.  This is an awful game of poker and I don’t know how to play.  I don’t know how to manage through this and it’s sinking my confidence.

This is turning to pressure downwards, on my team, also suffering under the weight of expectation.  The hours are long and no end is in sight.  We are constantly distorted on projects so their day jobs are neglected.  

I’m digging in, doing all I can do, to make changes.  But, for the first time, I question my ability to do so and that is simply the scariest thing I have ever felt.  

I have never lacked confidence in my work abilities.  Ever.

It’s a horrible feeling to have that one thing you believe is your best skill to be questioned.

I am learning new skills.  One has to adapt when one’s life is threatened, so to speak.  I’m struggling, but starting to learn how to fight for my life.  

I’m so stressed and anxious over work, and overworked working 10-12 hour day 3-4 days a week plus putting in one weekend day now each weekend, that my life is unraveling as well.

My kids, typical teens they may be, are wearing my last nerve.  I have gone on strike.  They will now be feeding themselves and doing their own laundry. Since there seems to be no appreciation for what I do for them and no interest in helping me in any way, my friend suggested going on strike.  I’m giving it a try.  The last straw was when I got home from work at 10:30pm, on a night they were due to be with their Dad for dinner….I knew their Dad forgot around 6:30 when they text me to tell me they were starving.  I ordered their dinner and went back to work.  I sent two text to remind them to take in the mail and the garbage can.  When I got home at 10:30, two kitchen counters were tossed with the nights take out, the garbage can was off it’s hinge and jammed to overflowing, the outside garbage can was still outside, and there was a pile of packages and mail waiting to be brought in.  To add insult to injury, one of my sons had a car accident in the driveway causing over $3k worth of damage to the other car.  I still haven’t had the damage to his car assessed.

Needless to say, I lost it.  I told the boys I was going on strike: no laundry and no cooking.  I figured eventually someone would run out of underwear and take care of themselves.  

And, while Bennett isn’t causing any noticeable anxiety, when I am feeling down and depressed about the rest of my life, then I realize I am lonely and need someone that’s able to be there for my physically when I need them.  Sure he’s available by text, but tonight is one of those nights I can’t stop crying and I wish someone was here to hold me.  So I get myself all worked up about being in love with a man I can’t ever have.

Things are “fine” with Bennett.  I see him, we speak, he feels good.  But when I think about it, the fact of the affair is tough on me. I wanted this man to be mine and he isn’t going to be.  I am deathly afraid there will never be another like him.  Normally, this is far in the back of my mind because I was able to balance dating for a bit.

But not, nothing,  I have zero time for anyone or anything, including myself. 

I don’t have a minute to exercise and I feel like crap.  I gained weight yet again, my weight is worse than a high speed elevator.

My clothes are too tight and I have to worry about traveling to 6 countries over the course of 7 weeks.  All different climates to boot.  I have to be in India, France, Italy, China, Hong Kong and Korea between the last week of this month and the first week of March.  I want to shoot myself.  Guaranteed I will get sick.

I’m back to court with the x over college.  My kids are upset with me because they think it’s unfair that I make my x so angry about having to contribute to college.  I am trying to explain to them that college is so expensive and requires payments at certain times.  We need to understand his contribution and commitments in writing up front.  If he doesn’t have the cash to contribute, some of their expenses will be loans for him.  I am not here to solve his fiscalresources   but I must avoid him making college financing my responsibility.  I don’t want to argue about who writes the check for the next 8 years. 

So, I sit here in tears tonight.  Unable to stem the steady flow of these huge round water drops coming from my eyes.  Knowing tomorrow is full on from the moment I wake until the moment I drop.  

I keep telling myself “This too shall pass.”  I think the worst hasn’t come quite yet, it’s still ahead.  I know there is a reckoning to come at work and certainly if I remain this stressed, there will be one with Bennett as well.  I know myself well enough to know how my mind works.  Maybe the travel will help, maybe it will make it worse.

My best friend, who has never left her home town beyond a vacation to Florida, is coming to Paris with me.  I am so excited for her to join me and equally so worried that I will be miserable.  She has never been so courageous and booked her trip before I knew it.  I can’t let her down, she is the dearest person in the world to me.  I just worry that now isn’t the best time.  

I know this post was all over the place, sort of like my brain.

Some nights I wish my life wasn’t so hard.  I feel like everything is a struggle.  I wish I had more time for myself, my family.  More time to find a lover.  More time to see my friends.  I hate being so consumed and so unhappy.  

Right now just sucks.

The Force is Strong With This One

Today at a holiday gathering, I had my tarot cards read. This woman is for real. She’s predicted many things in many of our lives. But like any other reading, you have to be open to the interpretations.

When she did my coworker, she looked at her and said “you’re worried about a loss in your family, someone close. Your sister. She’s getting divorced and she doesn’t have to. You should speak to her.”

Boom

Dead on. And this coworker had told no one about her sister. She and her family are very upset about the divorce.

Of course, not all things are this specific. But, left to interpretation some could be right on.

Mine was all work, except for one line where she said “you are going to have sex this week. Great sex.” I’m seeing Bennett Thursday so that’s probably true. She knows nothing of my love life other than what she’s read for me. She also said my beat match was a Leo, which is Bennett’s sign. My readings have been consistent for the year (this is the third). I am fighting a battle I will win and I will be very successful. This has been a constant across 3 different psychics. I suppose if I have any vibe, they all pick up on my desire to succeed at work.

I asked her to do a quickie for me at the end, just for romance as there was nothing much in the main reading. The short story is that while she thinks he’s already in my life, there will be 8 days, 8 weeks or 8 months before the truth of the relationship is known.

Every reading for me is filled with positive outlooks. Every time. She commented on how consistent my readings are and said it’s often unusual to have so much consistency. She said I have a very strong force and I’m guiding the cards, even though I am not aware of it.

While I never put too much weight or thought into any reading, I am always curious. The last psychic predicted my job almost exactly. This one told me Bennett was married and conflicted without knowing anything about me.

It’s a fun thing to do and she’s written two books about her craft and has a popularity in her own right. In my case she’s a business partner for a day job! One of my favorite ones, no less. Good people through and through.

I’ve been hard at work 8-8 each day and hoping I can leave a normal time tomorrow before I lose all the life force I have in me. I have two grueling days ahead on a project that can’t be solved and it’s becoming more and more painful each day. Projects like this hi light team and Individuals weaknesses, including my own. Not an easy way for anyone to work. Hopefully we will be done with this project by next week

It’s All About Control, Isn’t It?

I’ve been crying and reading, reading and crying.

Writing a little too.

What if it is all about control for me? What if my x was right about me all along? It’s certainly a comment I have heard my entire life. I’m controlling. I like to be in control. I’m demanding.

Thinking I am less powerful than the. Men in my life, have I sought to control them to ultimately get what I wanted…and then failed in any case because you can’t control another?

Have the men in my life always betrayed me? Can I trust men? Have I allowed these men to be more powerful than me?

Right now I am putting out terrible energy. Desperation and negativity. I would like to take control of myself, at least, but these emotions seems uncontrollable to me.

I allowed myself to trust Bennett. I believed in Bennett and his lies until he no longer believed his own lies. When he loved me I didn’t spend my days in worry, doubt and despair – though there was too much of that and too often. Why can’t I realize there should be NONE of that. Why am I accepting of inconsistency in y relationships?

I allowed myself to be humiliated with begging and pleading when he made his decision. Maybe I thought it was just another “break up” like every other discussion before it.  I must have convinced myself this was simply another argument because I didn’t see that final break happen – they all felt the same to me since the first one.

 

Word Vomit

Well, I said I was back to writing since I’m not speaking to anyone about it.

Why is it that all I want to do is talk about it? I haven’t had any need to truly talk about him all summer even though I knew things weren’t so great. I know I am obsessive but I’m driving even myself nuts.

I think I can trace it back to when he ultimately said “his heart was no longer in it” around mid September. I had felt a pretty distinct change in his behavior and he was weary of the double life.

What makes me mad is my own inability to see what was coming before it came.

I try to save unsaveable things. What if I had had better behaviors earlier, would I have saved us both this agony? Same with my marriage and Bobby….I see that I am so impulsive that I don’t have patience to wait through things to really gain an understanding of the path I should take.

In my work I can see ahead and make predictions based on experience. I can see things coming. Generally, I am more cautious at work and known to say “no” too fast, but with very good backup. I also can weigh risk factors around when to go all in and make a sharp change in direction. I still worry, even at work, if I am doing the right thing, but I have facts that back up my decisions. I don’t make emotional decisions. I can’t do this in my life, I don’t have the patience I have at work to see the facts and make a non-emotional decision.

Once my heart is involved I’m sunk.

So, if I were to be more patient and look at facts, would I get better outcomes? (I don’t mean staying with Bennett, but it could be an alternative outcome). If I wasn’t scared and divorced my crappy x sooner? If I didn’t play on Bobby’s feelings for me and ended it when he wanted to and not pulled into his rehabilitation. If I wanted Bennett in my life, should I have let go when he was still firmly in love to see where the path took him?

I wonder if this is about winning. My x used to say I was so competitive that it drove everything I did, including the need to have children. Do I need to “win” Bennett?

My x used to also insist I have an abandonment issue because I was adopted. This is something I explored deeply in therapy and both the therapist and I feel this is inappropriate because of my adoption. I have close ties with my birth father and sister and feel like they are my family. I was adopted on day 1 and loved my parents and upbringing. So we didn’t think it was the adoption. But it could be that my father, while a great provider, really wasn’t/isn’t a good father. He’s not bad, but he wasn’t participant in my upbringing other than discipline or finances. My mother was the hub of our family.

I know this post rambles in many different things as I search my Brain for some balance. I know there are no answers, no closure, sometimes things just happen as they do.

I know I have to walk through this fire I created and I hate it.

Woke Up In A Cold Sweat

I didn’t go to work yesterday. I didn’t eat or drink. I lie in one position all day in bed. Sometimes I was awake and sometimes I was asleep.

I cried mostly.

I know I can live without Bennett. While my actions or behaviors seem foolish to many, somewhere deep within me there is a person way to guilty to give up on life. And a good life at that. I would never leave my children

The rest, however, seems less important.

I put everything I had into believing in Bennett and his false-truth. No one had ever cared for me like that. He was everything I dreamed of from a young age, manifested in my middle age. I felt immense relief in meeting him, that I could have that idealized partner for me. I felt validated that dreams do come true. I didn’t realize it until now how much I actually sold my soul over to his lies and my utter hope in our union. Foolish, yes. But there it is.

16 months. The last 5 were horrible. It should have ended in May.

I have started to do some reading.  The thing is that I “know” all this stuff, I just don’t put it into action, ever.

I glanced by an article about meeting someone who filled some childhood dream (this is exactly what happened to me) and now I can’t go back and find the term or the article.  I’m so mad, I read it when I was sleepy and it seemed very interesting. The basic philosophy was that we all have ideals or successes we try and reach in various areas of our life. My girlfriend said I loved Bennett because I saw in him husband/father combined, which my x wasn’t. She is on to something there. I wish I could find the damn article.

I’ve been dwelling on the things I know I need to address, but seem to go in circles with:

  • Contact with him brings a weird form of temporary relief, but it ends up in shame.  I don’t understand why I want to feel shame.
  • I am trying to understand how he feels and change how he feels – I need to stop caring what he is doing and why.  Why do I care so much?
  • I have to work past the voice in my head that tells me I need him.  It’s not my best voice.  Its sad and pathetic and desperate.
  • My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or what he’s thinking or feeling.
  • Recognize that this comes from someplace in me. It’s not just that this guy is a jerk. I found him and accepted him, even though there were signs that it was bad. I have to look at my own history.
  • I had an unrealistically high perceived value and perceived probability of this relationship.

There’s some profound way in which I don’t feel loved here, but it’s very hard to be able to say, “You just don’t give me what I need. Or appreciate me. Or know me.” Or, “It doesn’t feel good for me to be with you.” It takes a long time to accept that how one feels about that is legitimate, and that the implication is that I don’t belong with him. I just can’t seem to accept this as a fact where he already has.

All the months and times I was ready and he wasn’t I was the fool to stick around. Now that he’s got his balls back and doesn’t feel the same he’s ready to go and it’s me who can’t accept the inevitable.

The confusion around being mad at myself, mad at him and feeling lost and pathetic is draining me. Work helps. It’s the only thing that does. But, truth be told, it’s hard to focus. My head is a mess.

This is the only place I turn to let it out. I’ve stopped talking about it to anyone. There is no point. I’m broken. I haven’t learned how to detach from bad situations. I don’t manage adversity well. And as much as I sound like a sore loser, it makes me crazy he lays his head on his pillow in his comfy marital bed with his wife oblivious to any of this.

I was so proud of myself over the course of the past 6.5 years, I had moved through some of the most challenging times of my entire life and was making a way for myself. I thought I could manage his grief because I did it with Bobby, but that was pretty stupid, wasn’t it? No one is better at deluding me than myself.

I fell to sleep with all of this on my mind, I had taken some light sleeping aids but my mind was too tormented. I woke around 4am in a sheer ice cold sweat. I was genuinely scared. I can recall feeling that when my mom died and I would wake up and suddenly remember she was gone, gone for good. It was that exact same sensation. I don’t recall feeling that with Bobby and this scared me wide awake and with a feeling of dread and anxiety.

He’s gone, gone for good. I have to accept that as surely as I have to accept death and taxes.

I considered, for a hot minute, to up my anxiety meds but I can’t afford the dullness they bring to me. I need to be on all the time at work. It’s just too important to lose the edge I have gained. I wish there was a magic pill. The forget Bennett pill.

Hypnosis, maybe?

Lobotomy, more likely.

Today is a Sad Day

It’s pouring rain here. It’s a good day to be sad, I suppose.

I was diagnosed with Iron Deficient Anemia not long after my blood clot episode late 2015. For a while, I went through the ups and downs of my body depleting the iron and then getting iron infusions to replace it and feeling great on the weeks that followed.

I was getting sick of the cycle so I asked my doctor if we can test more often to do a pre-emptive strike. I can totally tell when I begin to drop iron and would prefer to get the infusion when I start to feel tired instead of when I am drop dead exhausted.

For me the exhaustion also leads to uncontrollable emotional states. Not a good place to be. If I’ve learned anything in my first 50 years it’s that I must be very careful dropping into depressive states because they are dangerous not only to me but those around me. I’ve been too close to being some story you read in the paper about a woman who is “temporarily insane” due to PMS or some such. For those of you without any kind of depression or anxiety issues, this sounds crazy – why can’t these people control themselves? The fact is, when it gets that bad I lose not only control but inhibition. I don’t forget the social rules or mores, I can just ignore them. Just like that. And I’ve also learned I don’t have a lot of guilt – I don’t relate the the wives of the men I’ve had affairs with. I don’t feel empathy or remorse. I’ve been called sociopathic by some of the “scorned wives” early on in my blog, but I’m not. I would need to lack remorse when I’m in control of my emotions as well as when they are out of control. Fortunately, I have a lot of empathy and remorse when my head is screwed on properly.

Oh boy am I struggling right now.

Before I started to travel in September I asked my doctor for an infusion. Things were tough at work, the relationship with Bennett was in full failure stage and I was drained. I can’t quite equate this level of exhaustion to anything in my life except my bout with Mono. I had Mono as an adult around 2006 or so. With the Mono I was so exhausted I couldn’t leave the bed and there weren’t any emotional influences. It was just physically impossible to move and it came on relatively suddenly after a case of pneumonia. This is a slow drain, with no warning the end is coming.

This time however, my blood showed something different. Maybe I have pernicious anemia which can be fatal but easily treatable. The difference is that with the iron deficient anemia I should balance out after menopause but the pernicious anemia would require lifelong treatment. It could be something as simple as a B12 shot to something much more severe. Luckily my subsequent tests showed iron deficiency and no sign of pernicious. Oh lucky me, exhaustion and transfusions to the rescue. Anyway, it’s still better than pernicious anemia so off to the chemo lab I go for my first infusion on Friday. The next happens this coming Friday. I feel like crap at the beginning but about 2 weeks later I feel great again.

All this and my menstrual cycle has started to change (my body was like “Hello, 50!!). I was as regular as a could be with my menses these past several years and now it’s all crazy. Hot flashes come and go, at least they are not regular yet. My libido is decreasing. At least I think so, I’m not sure since I just haven’t wanted sex in a while.

So add in the depression of a break up, the stress of a crazy job, international travel, anemia and peri-menopause and I think we have an equation for a nuclear bomb.

I can’t help but dwell on the fact I ruined my relationship with Bennett. Had I just let go in May when he chose to stay married, I would have walked away from a man in love with me. But I couldn’t. I can’t seem to leave anyone who remotely loves me. I am clearly toxic in some respect that I can’t have a man I love stay in love with me. Maggie is right, I’m still reeling from the 22 years I put into marriage desperately wanting him to love me. Then Bobby, who I don’t blame for falling in love because he ended it when he did, but he factors in my ability to “be enough”. And now, Bennett.

Before I wrote about confusion because he was so clearly in love with me. Now I’m baffled that he’s out of love with me. I don’t even know what happened to go from one extreme to another (rephrase that: I do know what happened, but why do I feel like love should overcome all and he doesn’t?) I’m confused and hurt by all the words he sold me about “forever in love” and “never feeling this way” if that was his truth where do those feelings go? It’s just so utterly heartbreaking to me to have him stop loving me because it’s too hard.

The fact is that he’s smarter than me in the end. I run straight towards adversity and he runs away to safety.

I also realize I come from years of bad marriage and I learned that fighting comes and goes but the person I’m fighting with doesn’t. Bennett comes from no fighting at all. He says I am the only person in his life to have such a knack for upsetting him. No one else has this effect. In my estimation I assumed this was passion. I realize I am wrong. My behaviors from marriage haven’t changed enough to have someone as calm as Bennett in my life.

I’m struggling to do the right thing. Not allow myself to retreat into illness or depression. To stand up for what’s good and right for me. But when you believe, you really believe, you lost the one thing that was what you’ve waited your whole life for…it’s so hard and it’s so sad.

I know I will find someone again. Of course I can date and love again. That’s not the point. I know I have to get through this horrible, awful pain alone. I’m mad that I didn’t do it when I had his love to fall back on. I should have let go with good grace but clearly I don’t have grace or self-worth.

I need to figure out how to be happy with what I have. I have such a good life. I repeat it to myself every night. I have even a better life than many. Yet I still believe the only thing that will ultimately make me complete is a partner. No matter how many times I go over it, how many people I speak to, how many therapists I see – I still believe I need a partner to be complete.

Anyone know hypnosis? Because hitting me over the head with a bat has never worked either.

Follow Up

Perhaps yesterdays post unleashed my inner communicator again…I don’t know…I do know it felt good to write out what’s been going on.

If you were sitting across a table from me, you wouldn’t know I’m depressed or grieving.  This isn’t like the depression caused by Bobby and my concurrent illness in December 2015.

This is worse because it feels something like a lurking snake, slithering around, ready to bite quickly and take me down.  And, I’m not sharing it with anyone because I know what anyone/everyone will say to me.  It’s my own fault, this much I know.  I should have let go when it was time to let go for good in May.  I crushed his soul and mine with the hope things could change.

I’ve also struggled with motherhood for some time now.  I do question how good of a mom I can be when I am so disengaged from these teen boys of mine.  I loved being a kid mom, but this teen thing really isn’t for me.  The guilt that creates also forces me to shut down in a way.

These two things together create such apathy and disinterest in two large areas of my life that I largely just don’t care about anything else.  Strangely, underneath it all I have a very distinct sense of responsibility.  I was raised to take care of things, land on my two feet, stand on my own.  I was encouraged to take action and be a leader.  While I am currently struggling with this in my personal life, I don’t struggle at all in my professional life.

Is it so wrong to want someone to help me?  To care for just me? To be by my side?  I have said it before, and while many women disagree, I stand behind my own words … I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to do it alone, I operate better within a couple than without.  No matter how I slice it – I was happier with Bennett in my life than I am without him.  My problem is around the fact that I am not the type of person to come second…I could never figure that really “affair” balance out.

Urgh.  Anyway, I find a way to put one foot in front of the other every day and I do appreciate those of you who commented (without platitude!) yesterday.