A couple weeks back, I had 3 men on the hook that I had “met” before.
As it turned out, and sort of as I expected, I had never met Man #2, Glenn, and he finally realized it. He was getting stranger and stranger the longer we communicated and I was trying to slow him down. I was into meeting him but he pushed so hard that I eventually lost interest. He was calling constantly, always on face time, and texting even more. I told him on Saturday morning that I felt more comfortable cancelling our plans as I didn’t feel we were in the same space. He said “fine” deleted me from Tinder and I never heard from him again.
That was fine, I cleaned my garage!
Man #3, Tony, was able to somehow make little butterflies start up in my tummy. What is it that makes that immediate connection? We spoke, text and agreed to meet. I finally met him on Tuesday, midday for coffee, and was attracted instantly. He was about 5’11”, all gray and had a rugged appeal. His voice is awesome and he is super interesting. When we left the coffee shop, I couldn’t get a read on him….I leaned in for a kiss and he gave me a fantastic tight hug and a soft kiss on the lips.
I text Tony later that day to say “thank you” and he replied that he also enjoyed meeting me.
And that was it….until I text him a good morning on Thursday. He replied that he was super busy and would call me later – which he did – but we didn’t connect until Friday at some point. He told me his weekend plans and then I didn’t hear from him again until Sunday night when I text him first again.
I was already beginning to feel frustration at his communication style. But when I spoke to him there was no reason for me to believe anything other than he was busy doing whatever he was doing and he didn’t particularly like text. He text and called on Monday and asked to see me Thursday and communication was quite light other than making definitive plans.
I am struggling with Tony for no really good reason according to my friends. I have a hyper drive communication style that Bennett fulfilled for almost two years and it’s really hard to adjust to so much less from Tony, even before our first date. Or am I just making excuses that Tony isn’t Bennett? I know I am still mourning, but it’s time to move forward.
There is one other man in my queue, Andrew. We made lunch plans for Tuesday this past week – he asked me – and then he never checked in with me to confirm the date. I didn’t hear from him again until yesterday and he apologized that I thought the plans were firm when he thought they were tentative. Hmmmm….I looked back at the text and don’t agree there should have been any confusion. Either way he asked me out again so we shall see.
I am not happy. So little makes me smile these days. I am stressed over work and the impending loss of my role and the fact I have two college tuitions to pay in August. I am scared to death. Everyone says don’t worry because I have landed on my feet before, but I don’t ever recall being so physically scared of my future. There are more days I want to shut it all down than I want to open my eyes. I have never thought I’m better off dead until now. I have no intention of hurting myself – but it doesn’t prevent the feeling of utter and total failure.
It’s hard to keep waking up every day and putting on foot in front of another to be strong. Strong for my. Children, my team, my friends. Strong enough to get through this. I’m just tired. I know all the things I should be doing and I even know how to do them because I have overcome adversity and struggle before. This time I can’t seem to get there.