dating – Page 2 – Madeline Harper

David – Non-Drinker #2

Well I didn’t even go out with David, it fizzled before it really got to take off.

David didn’t live close which would have been a challenge within itself. He was sweet, friendly and kind. We spoke a lot via text and also spent quite some time on the phone. He was mild and low key, but I wasn’t sensing an immediate attraction from either of us. We seemed like we would be fine as local friends, like mom and dad friends, but that’s ab out all I got from it.

When he told a story I had a hard time following it. He sent text that would indicate a follow-up to something, but often times I didn’t get the original description of whatever the issue was. I found him a little flighty I guess.

Two things happened that sent us sideways.

I work out mostly every day and he seemed fascinated by this and asked a lot of questions. I don’t mind this, but I often don’t talk about the cult of Peloton too early on as it will freak someone out who doesn’t understand it. It just so happened I was in the studio for a couple classes over the first week we spoke. At one point, he sent a text out of the blue after a class that said “Why don’t you just date a Peloton person?”

Ok, as we all know with text there is no intonation, but I read into that as a little dig. Was he getting frustrated that I was so involved? Was he actually questioning why I liked my Peloton community so much.

My reply was “Why would you say that to someone you potentially want to meet and date?” Then I straight out asked if it was a dig. His explanation was that if I was interested in dating that might be the easiest thing for me and there must be a lot of fit, single men and then, the clincher, “and we haven’t even faced timed yet.” Yep, it was some weird dig, no doubt. He was moaning about me being at the class when I hadn’t made the time to face time him.

I let it ride for the night it no answer. Nor did I text the next day. He finally sent an entirely random text on the second day around diner time “Ok, I have a new phone now and ready to rock and roll.”

I didn’t know he needed a new phone and I hadn’t heard a word into days – this is what I mean by confusing.

We text a few more times over the next few days and it fizzled away. I don’t even know who text who last, and I didn’t bother to look.

So, no date with non-drinker #2. He wasn’t making me laugh anyway.

Next.

Un-HINGEd

It’s rare I can be clever enough to make a play on words, but here you have it.

I recently read-installed the dating app Hinge. I had originally tried and deleted it last year because it was allll fake profiles. I don’t know how women are suckered into that nonsense. Men looking for souls mates, living off shore somewhere, always widowed and always having a kid in a boarding school which is so NOT an American thing to do. It seems like Hinge cleaned up their act catching these fake profiles so I tried again.

Now I’ve got a different issue.

When did the world stop drinking?

No, really? When? Why is this a relationship thing these days? Why has alcohol fallen into the same taboo arena as, say, drugs?

Yea, I’m kidding not kidding.

I didn’t drink while I was married and raising kids. We never really went out and my x didn’t drink. There was no down time that included alcohol unless I was with my young sister. That almost always includes alcohol once she hit post 18 years old. But before that, I drank randomly at a big party and never at dinner out or home. I just didn’t and didn’t give it a lot of thought.

Then separation happened and I drank copious amounts of alcohol and often. I found Prosecco to be my favored drink and knew where my “limit” was. It’s been 5, going on 6 years of alcohol consumption and I have no desire to stop. I like how a buzz feels. I like to get a little drunk. I like when my partner or friends and I get a little sillier because alcohol is in the mix.

Traditionally I would eliminate non-drinkers from my dating options. I have dated recovering alcoholics and can’t cope with their recoveries and mindsets. Not for me. But, I haven’t really tried dating someone who just doesn’t drink because “no reason” or “better health”. I don’t know if I should. I am suspicious of people who don’t drink. Is your fun gene broken?

I am not advocating alcoholism- far from it. But getting a little buzz from alcohol or pot is freaking fun. A lot of fun.

But would it make or break a dating relationship if I didn’t have it?

As it turns out, a dating hiatus turned into a little uptick all at once. 4 men. I matched and started texting with 4 men in the space of 2 days. I’ve met one so far. And, as you can guess from the intro to this post, ALL 4 don’t drink.

What are the chances?

Each one claims a different reason, none are recovering (or admitted) alcoholics.

Here’s what I think out of the gate. Every one of them is interested in my fitness lifestyle. Maybe more than I would like them to be in fact (more on that in another post -I feel like a fitness fraud). All of them are very fit, like I want to touch them, fit. (Yum) Lol. None of them is particularly funny. Ugh. All of them are driven and brilliantly smart. All of them are Dads and divorced. 3 of the 4 asked for coffee or afternoon Sunday dates and I hate that.

So – all quite similar profiles.

Maybe Hinge went from the fake profile app to the no drinkers app? I don’t know but think it’s awfully strange.

Generally speaking, my quick eliminations will happen from no laughter, not showing enough interest in me (no questions) and no easy conversational engagement. I think those are all normal things people look for in a companion. Followed by no drinking and it seems clear I should cut them loose. But, maybe, and this is a big maybe – this is one of those things I have to take off my long, long list of requirements. Does it actually matter? Does it create a character flaw?? (IMHO, yes it is a reflection character) Do the drinking and laughing gene go together?

I’ve set out to find out. I am going to speak and potentially meet these men.

This all has me thinking – have I given decent men enough time to engage with me or do I cut them off too soon? Everything feels like a red flag to me since Tony because no one is Tony. I don’t compare anymore or even think of him tbh, but it seems like that’s where it stems from.

I love laughing. Big gooey deep belly laughs. And I love drinking and getting even sillier.

Can I live without either of these? Do they go hand-in-hand somehow? And, if not, how has my brain come to equate that? My x didn’t drink and he was a fucking funny as anyone in the beginning. I mean, he is actually funny, just not my type of funny anymore.

The laughter shouldn’t be tied to the alcohol of course but I find it fascinating that the men (and women) in my life that don’t don’t drink are genuinely less funny! Is it a control thing? I may have to do some reading around this because I sincerely think the two can be related. I am totally being judgey over peeps who don’t drink.

So my next couple posts will be about the dates with these non-drinkers …. let’s see if there is any correlation.

Here’s the mini snapshot -who knows if any (or all) of these guys even make it to date #1 but I am approaching this for research purposes!

John (gosh we may be up to John 3# at this point?): get ready for the doozy right off the bat – John is a Mormon and separated father to 5 kids ages 7-17. He lives in the next town and is a former naval officer. Asked me out VERY quickly,
David: lives a but further away in the next state and is the divorced father to one son. He’s quite sweet. we have the best conversational (text) cadence of the 4.
Steve: Divorced dad to a younger son, moved here from CO. Local. Doesn’t love to text and want to speak quickly so we will be seeking today. Texts have been quite matter-of-fact and dry.
Matthew: haven’t yet clarified if he has kids or was ever married, he lives close and we started a text conversation and he disappeared so it may have ended before it started.

I don’t advocate speaking to so many men at once, but when you swipe and match it just happens that way sometimes. If they are worth speaking to I will continue a conversation and normally, which is sad but true that its normal, sometimes they just disappear out of the blue and you never know what happened. Dating.

2018-2019 Dating Year in Review

Time flies when you’re having fun! Or not. I don’t know how much fun I actually had as compared to my earlier dating experiences. Sure, there were some, but these past 18 months were absolutely more about self-actualization as it relates to dating. How dull for my readers. Where – oh – where did all the ridiculousness of M go?

Meh, I aged out. Need to be less ridiculous and more mature in the hopes of actually finding a partner worthy of the woman I know I can be.

Still, boring.

A slow start did eventually pick up and I’ve absolutely arrived at a point of control.

It took almost 9 full months from when I started in late 2018 to find my mojo and begin to truly understand how casual sex, dating and relationships work for normal humans.

Not sure I’m normal, or ever will be, but there sure was a lot of progress this year!

First 10 Men in review from November 18 – April 19:

1. Rob (6’4″)– November/December

2. Brian– January

3. Joe– January

4. Jack– January

5. Matthew– January/February

6. Anthony– February

7. Greg– February

8. Jack2– February

9.Craig– March

10. Duke– April

Not much wasted time or effort in there, but at least one crazy! I learned a few lessons along the way.

The next batch finally broke through a dry year without sex, and really had me focusing on what was going to feel good to me:

11. August– April/May

12. Ed – May

13. Tom – June

14. Dick Adjuster (Rob2) – July

Then, suddenly, not only had the dry spell been broken, but my libido came back along with a healthy dose of common sense on how to begin to manage my anxious attachment:

15. John – July

16. Mike – August

17. Tom – August

18. Charles – August

19. Rob(repeat) – September

20. Dan (repeat) – September

21. Marshall– September/October

22. Jim– October

23. John2 – October

24. Jon– October

25. Dan2 – October/November/December

26. Chris – November

27. Tom2 – December (never even wrote about this date!)

And so ended my year.

In hindsight, the only actual regret I have is Mike. I do still think about him. He hit all the buttons. I recently saw him again on Tinder, but if he’s available he’s not interested in me since he never reached out again – he’s one of those I wish would come back. BUT, I also know its probably no good for me should he come back because I already like him too much and he didn’t maintain any consistency. I still can’t help but think what did I do wrong here?

What do I see when I look at this recap post? Almost 30 dates and nothing is the first thing that comes to mind. Too many wasted dates is the second thing that comes to mind.

But, when I allow the negative self-talk to quiet, I see lessons and growth. A whole lot of growth. Maybe its the growth I need to find my Mr. Right. Maybe I haven’t been as ready as I think I am. I still struggle to refine/reduce my requirements and I still tend to be very attracted to the same “formula” in a man. What if that doesn’t change?

I suppose I will be waiting a very, very long time.

Getaway

I haven’t been writing because the truth is there’s just nothing going on. And when I mean going on – not that I don’t keep busy – but my brain feels empty. I feel a bit like I’m disappearing if that can be a thing.

I’m still feeling sorry for myself for all the same reasons prior to the holiday. I ended up so very sick before Christmas that I almost cancelled. The apathy was so strong and layering in a nasty sinus infection made me just lose interest. I was surprised at myself, but that’s where I landed. The apathy created a hole I couldn’t fill. I was feeling like no one really cared what I did or how the holidays went. It didn’t feel important. When I’m not feeling loved I just want to disappear into myself and be left alone – which simply makes it worse, I know that, but that’s what happens.

I ultimately had to convince myself that I would regret not doing all the normal Christmasy things so I found the energy to be present and do the things. I feel sad that the woman who took such joy in these things wasn’t around. A little death, if you will, for the old me. I was there but not in spirit. I’m don’t even think anyone noticed and just assumed I was sick.

Without a doubt I know I need attention. I’m not getting it. Not from my kids. Not from my friends. No partner. No job. A total lack of attention coming my way. It just compounds how crappy I feel. I stay as connected as possible to my Peloton groups because I do get a certain amount of attention there. I’m developing new relationships that start virtually but which I can continue IRL. It doesn’t replace my true long term friendships but it does create a sense of belonging for me. There’s a part of me that is saying “this is a false sense of belonging, you can’t belong to society virtually”. There’s another part of me that says “who the fuck cares, it makes you feel good where you have nothing and no one else”. I don’t know which side of my brain is even right at the point so I do what feels good. It’s a bit like blogging I suppose. Here’s my life in writing and some people interact with me creating connection.

Anyway, not even the reason I started this post. I think you will be proud of me regarding dating. I know I have finally gained a little control over myself. Maybe without all the stressors and pressures of real life I can more clearly see the shit my subconscious has done to me with dating and I’m able to put Trixie on complete lockdown. Not having a feeling of desperation is a relief frankly.

I shut down the dating apps right after Halloween and maybe before Thanksgiving. Somewhere in that period after the last date I had sympathy sex. It wasn’t easy because I needed my ego to be stroked over the holidays and wasn’t able to have that from a partner, even if they were temporary or incompatible partners. In any case, I succeeded in staying off until last week.

I had met Dan around Halloween and we’ve been on a few dates. He doesn’t live here so I’m at his mercy for travel. We already agreed there was nothing more or less to our interactions than enjoying one another. His lack of communication still aggravates me but I generally get over it as quickly as it comes. He shows zero interest until he can meet me and then makes plans. When I’m with him he’s totally focused. We have a fun time. The sex is really good. His cock is literally perfection. There is no depth to our connection.

I caved against my better judgement and asked him what he was doing for NYE hoping he would ask me to join him so I didn’t have to be alone. He originally thought it was a good idea and then decided he would be home (or rather available) with his (older) children. However, he did tell me he was traveling just after the new year and asked me to join him on a short vacation before his work event. I agreed.

So here I sit in the sun by the pool after a weekend of sex with him. He is here for a week and I chose to arrive early Saturday and leave Tuesday. That seemed like enough time to spend with a stranger I wasn’t interested in cultivating a further relationship with.

It’s definitely not easy for me to interact at arms length. I want the romance and silly engagement a love interest brings. But I KNOW that’s not what this is or what it ever will be so I keep reminding myself not to attempt to solicit it from him. I am certainly operating in a strange space. There’s no hand holding, cuddling and giggling. There’s a little of it, of course, but it’s not the constant engagement you get when someone really likes you. There’s a huge part of me that keeps thinking “why don’t you like me MORE?!” That’s the part that wants to see what I can do to engage him more. My common sense has prevailed and I haven’t done any needy moves at all. Not once. That’s why I think you would be proud of me. No tricks. No ulterior motives. I give back what I’m getting. We engage nicely, we laugh together, have really good conversation and we like to drink together. It leaves me wanting more but I think what stops me is I simply know I don’t want more from HIM. It’s a little hard at moments to not be sad I can’t have a normal dating relationship, then I remind myself that he likes me enough to have invited me to spend time in a beautiful resort, all paid for by him, and there’s nothing wrong with where I am right now. This is ok. My person will come.

I can be mostly at ease with him and just talk about whatever I want. I don’t have to worry about how I’m perceived in terms of keeping the relationship. In that respect it’s a bit easier because I’m not always thinking around the corner. I’m just enjoying the time. On the other hand, I can’t be the person I am in relationship that I really like – I like that girl who fawns over her partner and has love in her eyes. I like that connection, the attention and appreciation. I can’t even leave my eyes open during sex, looking into his eyes is just weird. Feels wrong. So I keep them shut, which also feels wrong but it’s the only way I can immerse myself into the feeling of simple sex and eliminate the “need” for heart felt connection. And the sex is really, really good so I am enjoying it immensely.

The whole thing is weird. Not as in wrong, just a new, strange experience. I feel like there “should be” more and I feel like I want more, but my brain is actively overriding my emotion and shutting that shit down to keep it where it should be. It’s an extended booty call.

Learning how to accept comments for face value and not look for more isn’t easy for me. Accepting there is nothing more coming is a new feeling and not a comfortable place for me. However, just like exercise, I now understand I’m going to grow because of the discomfort and that it’s ok to live in an uncomfortable space for a while.

We get on well. He’s really, really good in bed and has the most amazing body for a 52 year old man. He’s not bothered by my scars or loose skin and has clearly told me they don’t matter to him at all. He’s super smart so I enjoy our conversation. I’m not particularly attracted to him so there’s this part of me that wonders how I am managing that disconnect so subconsciously.

So here I am, sitting in the sun even though it’s a little chilly, writing this post and drinking my coffee. About to get motivated to get a workout in at some point today. Not thinking much which seems to be the only way I get through these days of late. Like I said, I feel like I’m slowly just disappearing.

Sometimes I Surprise Even Myself

I posted about the IG stalking and the burner text last week and read through your comments. I always take the comments to heart because many times you see things for a different perspective than I do.

I was happy Trixie was contained pretty quickly – the text was dumb but it ended there for me.

What really surprised my was he was still looking even after the text and his that made me feel.

I didn’t want him there.

The past weekend was my sisters wedding and I figured I would be posting quite a bit. Why should he see? Or, if it’s his wife, why should she? Either way, I didn’t want them seeing or sharing in any of my family moments.

So I blocked him.

I was too busy to check over the weekend who was looking at my posts, but today when I had a bit more time, I looked. And I didn’t like what I saw.

Remember when I spotted him on a live Peloton ride and I went and gave him a “high-five” and he went and changed his name immediately? Well, suddenly I had a new person looking at my posts with his Peloton name – so of course I knew it was him. I checked the profile, it was a new profile with no photo and no posts which reinforced it was him. So I blocked that name too.

Now that bothered me. I don’t know why. But it did.

Why does he want to look so badly that he goes and changes his name? He could have replied to my text differently rather than sarcastically and chose not to. But he is stalking.

Hmmmm.

I changed my profile to private while the wedding posts cycle through (they are only up for 24 hours) I don’t like to keep my profile private because that’s how we interact with one another in the Peloton community. But I can open it up again later this week.

Anyway, both are blocked and I will be on the lookout for any new ones.

What do you think?

One Date Too Many – A Follow Up

Sad to say, I lost a favorite ring the night I had my date with Chris.

I had to contact him to get his last name and out room number to see if there was any chance in hell they found it at the hotel. I knew the chance was slim but I had to try. I hated to have to reach out to him, but I did.

I apologized for bothering him and explained what in needed.

He was so gracious in his reply I couldn’t help but share his last text. There are good men out there, I just need to find the one for me.

You’re very welcome Madeline. I’m sorry about your ring. I feel badly because it’s probably my fault that you took them off. If I hadn’t been squeezing your hands so tightly….. 🙁

I’m glad you thought about me. 😊 I’ve thought about you as well.

Unfortunately, I agree with you that we aren’t the right match, I’m all outdoorsy, you know, Lol! I do however think you’re a wonderful lady, very, very attractive, great personality, funny, fun, playful and oh so very sexy!!! Did I mention you’re a great kisser too?!! Yum! I had a lovely time with you, I just wish we would have had a bit more time! 😉I really enjoyed our date and I’m very happy that we met. I’ll be thinking about you.😊 I really appreciate your honesty as well, I’ve had women disappear on me before too and it is a crappy feeling. You’re a good woman Madeline – it is harder to be honest, but it’s the right thing to do and I appreciate you for doing it, says a lot about your character.

I agree, the hotel was beautiful, but that door! I’ll let them know about the bathroom door. I thought I was going to knock a wall down…. Maybe that was just because I was in a hurry to get to you?!! 😃

I’m so sorry you got sick, that stinks. I’m happy that you’re feeling better though and hopefully you’re able to enjoy the wedding with all the 30 year olds, Lol!!

Enjoy the rest of your week and especially the wedding and feel better!! I’m sure you’re going to look beautiful with your tall self and great hair and shoes!!! 😃 You’re welcome for me answering you of course, and thank you for your honesty. You’re a doll and absolutely adorable, take care Madeline! 😘🤗😘

Burner Text

I am still crazy. Less crazy than before but I wonder if it ever disappears entirely.

I see Tony stalking my IG every single day now. While it doesn’t cause distress in any way, I neglected to realize what it would do – cause me to overthink about him every day again.

So that was a little test I failed.

I sent a burner text. A long one. Telling him I know he’s on my IG feed every day multiple times a day. I said I think of him too. I asked why he was on the feed if he didn’t still care.

Surprisingly for the first time in 18 months, he replied with “who is this”.

Was it meant to hurt? To be funny? To simply tell me I don’t even resonate with him anymore? I will never know.

Maybe he just didn’t like being caught out.

But – despite the intended inference – someone who is checking your personal feed every day multiple times a day is stalking for a reason.

His reasons don’t matter, but I need to let it go. I actually had nothing of value to say to him anyway. I acted impulsively which is always what gets me in trouble.

I will bet, knowing him, the stalking will stop now. He’s too proud and stubborn to have been caught. (Addendum: he stalked later that day which I found out of character)

That’s fine.

Here’s the text:

Tony – why would you look at my IG every day if you are never going to speak to me again? You must be thinking about me on some level. You must still care about something?

We had a connection unlike any other either of us had ever experienced. I know we can never be in relationship again.

It’s baffling to me why you would check on my feed if you really don’t care. I know you’re mad and I know how stubborn you are about always being mad at me. I suppose you won’t forgive me but I would like you to understand how sick I was – in my head – truly sick – to do what I did. It was all in desperation and I couldn’t see anything clearly.

Finding out you had lied to me for months crushed me and I wanted you to feel the pain I felt. None of this makes sense to a person who isn’t sick, I know this. It’s the only explanation I have. There was no logic to my breakdown.

Maybe you delete every random text I send. Maybe you read them. You are stubborn enough not to tell me, I see that after 18 months.

Our relationship changed my life and I will never ever be the same. I never felt love the way we loved. It may never come again, I don’t know. I do know I will never not have you in my heart and head. You are forever a part of me.

I wish I knew if you were happy or not. I’m guessing you made your choices and are standing by them regardless if you will ever be truly happy or not. I wish I had that tenacity to put my family before myself – but I didn’t. I would have chosen you and if I couldn’t have you I would have chosen to die. Every day is a struggle to remind myself I have to be present for my children. That comes naturally for you and I admire that.

I know you are “just a man” as you’ve said so many times. Perhaps you can never understand the impact you had on my life. I miss you every day.

And I’m waging a guess you are missing me if you are stalking my IG.

Either that or Kelly has your IG password.

I do think I want to speak to him but then I ask myself why? What good would come of it (don’t answer, I know: none). But really, what would I get from it? I already know that it would create a longing for what I once had and is forever gone. That relationship can never come back and I nuclear blasted the bridge. Even if he did text or speak to me – what would I want to hear? There is nothing productive to be had from contact with him.

I let my crazy slip through.

But differently than before, I think about my actions and what I could net from them. I know this is fruitless.

And just like that, the feeling passes. There was a momentary madness in which I text him wanting to know “why?! What are you thinking about? How does it feel to kiss me? You do, don’t you?” Like I needed those answers. I don’t. I really don’t. No answer is a right answer or even a good answer. I don’t care about his answer.

I have gotten a million times better but I still have the crazy gene. It comes when I feel desperate about some situation in my life – one I can’t seem to “fix” and seemingly my brain believes it requires Tony to help me with the problem. Now that I know why and when it happens, I have to gain full control.

I’m doing better, but I am not healed. I still have to actively try to move on from that relationship.

One Date Too Many

I know it’s time to shut down the dating apps for a while. There are truly no worthwhile choices and I’m making semi-poor decisions.

A talk with my friends/family led to me questioning the type of man I’m looking for AGAIN. They feel like I’m not giving the right guys a chance.

I don’t know why I listen. I’ve tried this before, more than once, and it’s always a fail. Always.

But I did it again. I chose a nice man. One who was clearly into me from the get-go. Good family background. A little far distance wise but not too far. A stable job, though perhaps not as ambitious as I would prefer. A Marine many years ago.

Chris agreed to drive over an hour to meet me for dinner and drinks. He was very communicative by text and was a pleasure to speak with on the phone. We had a few phone conversations that went exceedingly well – but I also recognize (in hindsight) it was because he just really liked me – everything about me. So he asked a lot of questions, got some of my funniest stories out of me and was paying a lot of attention. All the cues I love.

I realized that in person, even though the cues were all still there, it started to feel a little flat the longer I spent time with him. I’m not entirely sure why. He wasn’t as refined as I normally like, but that was ok. He likes a lot of the things I like and was super complementary of me. So I don’t know what I didn’t like exactly, but I could feel the undercurrent most of the evening.

We ate and drank a little more than I had expected to since this was a last minute date. He didn’t want to go home but I wasn’t going to invite him to my house because I just wasn’t sure about him. I had no issue bringing Mike back to my house after a later dinner so that’s what I mean about an underlying current of “not sure about this guy.” With Mike I didn’t want the night to end. With Chris I didn’t know what I was doing or why.

He found a hotel with a bar close by. He wanted to stay the night. I agreed. I’m starting to feel like a slut lately because it’s been a spinning wheel of men these past few weeks in my bed, and I’m pretty sure this was the last one for a while because I hit my breaking point.

Chris went in and got the room while I went to the bar. The hotel was new and pretty fabulous. We had one more drink and headed upstairs. I had no real investment in sleeping with him, sort of similar to Dan2.

Things got worse when he undressed and I’m not sure if this is something I would get past or not. He clearly used to be massively built and muscular, you could see by his shape and size, but he must have let himself go for many years and now his skin was hanging everywhere and he was heavier than he looked when dressed. All I could think about was “does my skin/body look like this to someone” and my mind wouldn’t stop whirring with that thought. If I felt like this about him, perhaps this is what some of those men felt about me. It made me very distracted. Because of this – I don’t know if I was put off by his shape or my own disgust with my body. I couldn’t suss our the difference. Even in hindsight as I’m writing this I’m not sure why it turned me off so much.

As I tried to focus I lost my desire. He went down on me and I came, uneventfully, but thankful that since I’ve been off the old meds that orgasms are easier than not. He wasn’t good or bad, he got the job done. But the sex, oh the sex, was just awful. Really and truly awful. Not the worst I had but absolutely bottom 3. It didn’t help he didn’t have very large equipment, luckily not as small as John2 because Chris didn’t know how to manage that the way John did. He just wasn’t any good and I couldn’t kick in enough to help make him any better. For one of the very few times in my life I lie beneath a man willing it to be over. That, my dears, is a truly awful feeling.

It also created a feeling of sympathy which does not belong in a bed.

I wish I had gotten up and out of that bed immediately following sex but I fell asleep, dammit. A few hours later, when I woke, he clearly wanted to go again. I’m not practiced enough in bad sex to know how to say “no thanks, no more” so I let him. What a mistake. It was even worse than the night before. I got frustrated after too long and made him stop before he came which I know was terrible – but he had been struggling over and over to ejaculate and there just wasn’t any pleasure in the work for me. I had to get out of that bed. And, I did. Got up. Got dressed.

He asked me to come back to bed so he could finish what we started. I wanted to die of embarrassment. I wanted to ask him if he had ejaculation problems in general but it didn’t matter. I knew he knew it was an issue because I could hear the sighs and sense his frustration as he tried to climax but couldn’t. I just could not entertain it any longer.

He insisted to walk me to my car as the guilt washed over me. I shouldn’t have slept with him. I should have ended the date at the restaurant and let it go. However, if I did that we probably would have gone on a second date because I did like him. But it wouldn’t have changed the end result of him just being horrible in bed. This was no case of nerves – he was just bad in bed.

I even feel bad for making the decision to sleep with him when I know he liked me more than I liked him. My friends are telling me he deserves a second shot – but why? I don’t understand why they would say that. I already know the next long term relationship I have must include being friends and lovers. I can’t go into a relationship based on having a nice guy.

What I have realized is that I need a little edge. Not too much but just a little. Too straight and narrow isn’t for me. I’ve said it before but if I don’t get the chemistry I need, I shut down any hope of it going any further.

This last date really showed me I have to stop. Take a break. I feel my desperation coming out which never leads to good decisions. Decisions such as sending Tony a text (I will write that post).

There were 2 additional men in the pipeline that I’m winding down speaking to. Will I meet them? I don’t know. The apps are now shut down for a minimum of 3 weeks. Maybe longer. We shall see but I will start there. Knowing the time limit I set for myself helps because I work best with tangible goals. This week I have already noticed the semi-relief I feel for not having to check the apps for potential matches and worry about starting up conversations all over again. It’s not like I don’t have a full life, even without working, I have plenty to keep me busy. I just need to remind myself that my Prince will come along in his own good time.

When I Don’t Care Enough – Part 2

So, back to how I present on a date….I matched with a nice man and we text back and forth. Turns out he doesn’t live here and comes for business at least once a month for a week. He would be leaving in 2 days. That left only one available night to meet if we wanted to see if we were a match.

The night I had scheduled for my Peloton classes. I am proud to say the thought NEVER crossed my mind to cancel my classes for the date. Two years ago, I would have turned my world upside down for a date. No more. They happen when they happen now.

I’m not for or against a long-distance relationship. Its not my first choice, but I haven’t eliminated the options. If the man was that good of a match, I could consider it – I am not tied to my location beyond the next 2 years when my youngest will graduate HS. Even if there wasn’t a man involved, I do not see staying where I am forever. In any case, my thought process is so different now because I can meet a man for a date to have a nice date, have sex, and go home just as easily as I can potentially meet the man of my dreams. Now that I understand I need to just take each date one moment at a time, it’s much easier for me to disconnect my desire to have a partner from the desire just to go out and have a good time.

So, Dan2 and I matched and had been texting on the app. We agreed to meet after my last class as he was in the city at a client dinner. However, post my 2nd class, his diner ended early and he was getting tired. Just before my 3rd class, he text that he didn’t think he could hold out til 10:30pm. I sent a last text that said “I’m shutting down my phone as I enter class, I hope you change your mind, but I won’t see it until class is over.”

My 3rd class was with a new instructor who engaged with me quite a bit – she told me after class that the previous instructor text her and told her I was coming and I was cool. 🙂 Feels good to be a little on the inside so I soaked this up a bit before I remembered to check my phone for Dan2’s message.

He would wait for me.

Uh oh – I better get moving!

I was in full 80s Madonna costume – I had enough hairspray in my hair to ignite a Chernobyl size explosion. It was crunchy and scary – how I did that in the 80s is beyond me. Light a match and I would go straight up in flames! I had on a lot of black eyeliner and a lot of heavy waterproof makeup (it had to make it through a shit ton of sweaty workouts!) I had to shower without washing my face (I wasn’t going to potentially smell!) and leave my hair the way it was. I only had leggings and a Peloton sweatshirt to wear with my trainers. This is what I mean about not caring how I presented myself.

Basically, I take the chance he rejects me because of my appearance OR I have an opportunity to meet a man that I could enjoy the night with. I chose to believe we could have a good time.

Maybe I thought he wouldn’t meet me? I certainly hadn’t given it thought before I left my home or I would have packed a change of clothes at least.

I was on such a high that I didn’t care what he thought. He seemed to begrudgingly agree to one drink before he headed out to sleep before early morning meetings.

Ok, then, that’s good enough.

The confidence I felt from the evening exercise classes was making me feel like Wonder Woman. I could tell I would impress with my personality when I met Dan. I could feel the energy zipping through me and I aware of the feedback I get when I behave this way. It’s so interesting to me that I have this ability but can’t seem to call it up on command when I need it. It would be a super useful tool to have and would help immensely with all my body image issues.

I think you can guess, the night didn’t end with one drink. I’ve gotten to the point where I know almost immediately when a date is going to go all night, or end quickly, but, actually, I didn’t get my spider-sense upon meeting him. He was super tall, lean and “sort-of” handsome (honestly, I still can’t determine if I think he is or not).

Regardless of any of that – he was interesting Really interesting. The conversations just flowed and flowed and flowed and before we knew it we had each put a bottle of wine behind us as well as several appetizers and it was 1am. I truly enjoyed our dialogue and it was less traditional than many first dates – we just explored a lot of cool topics and he is super smart.

Here’s the surprising part, for me at least….not one kiss or touch the entire almost 4 hours together. Not even an inkling of sexual chemistry. But there was an absolute connection. The energy had worked in my favor.

Very strange for me, indeed.

We went back to his hotel and the first kiss commenced. I have no feeling about it one way or the other, it was a good kiss. When he asked me up, I agreed, but still not feeling the typical craziness (or even drunkness) I generally have at this point.

Of course we had sex. I didn’t come up to his room expecting any different. But, the sex was different, for me at least. I didn’t go out of my way to please him, or even explore him. Just before undressing I stated simply that I had quite a bit of surgery and had a lot of scars on my belly that made me uncomfortable. I then proceeded to strip down and out of my clothes entirely- a complete FIRST! Go me!

Somewhere, deep deep deep in my head, I put the statement out to the universe and chose to let go. If I didn’t stay in my head full of worry about my appearance I would never enjoy the sex. I love sex. So I let go. When I took my top off and threw it to the floor, my inhibition went with it. He would have full view of the wounds and all the loose flesh.

He didn’t hesitate. Or I didn’t notice. Either way, forward we went.

His body was amazing for a man his age. Every ripple and muscle was accentuated. I have never been with a man as rock solid as this and now I understood the appeal. It was a beautiful thing to behold and enjoy. He made me cum very easily, and twice, which is also unusual for me. When he came up to have sex with me, and started to penetrate, I realized I had zero idea what his cock was like.

Holy fuck.

He was huge. My eyes rolled back into my head with pleasure. He was long and thick and knew exactly how to wield his instrument. I could tell he was holding back so not to cause any pain for me. He was big and we couldn’t go full throttle because of it but whatever we did was pretty fucking awesome.

Sex was fabulous and he asked me to stay the night but I just didn’t want to. I lie in his arms for some time before he walked me down to get my car.

The next day he called from the airport telling me he had tried to move his flight out to the next day but had been unable to do so. He also looked at his calendar and proposed several dates he could see me – not in my city, but where he could bring me to the city he was working in. He had clearly put some thought into how he could see me every other week. My old reaction to this would have been major excitement. Unwarranted excitement. This time I took it with a groan of salt and just discussed, rationally, what might work in the coming weeks.

He ended up suggestion to come back to my city in 2 weeks if he could.

As it turned out, he couldn’t make it back to me and his communication skills are sorely lacking. We had spoken about his style / my style before he left and agreed it could be a bigger block than anything else. He is single minded and focused on what’s he focused on when he’s focused on it. I usually hear something from him each day or two, but a text conversation generally ends abruptly with no follow up. We have nice phone conversations at random. Bottom line, he is unable to form any relationships based on his style and he admits to it. He can’t balance his life.

I’m glad I realized this and it doesn’t phase me. When I hear from him, I hear from him. When I don’t, well that’s fine too. We had a fun night, good sex, some amazing orgasms and I’m sure we will remain friendly for when he returns to my city. I don’t think he’s the right match for me in any case because of his typical communication style – it would drive me mad if the person I was seeing had freestyle communication skills.

Next.

When I Don’t Care Enough – Part 1

Sometimes, not often, I don’t really care about how I am going to present on a date.

There are some men who I get the sexual tension from quickly, and I want to impress those men with sexy heels and a hot outfit. Other men don’t seem to give off the same vibe and I don’t get as excited about the first meeting and what I am wearing, and perhaps a little, how I look. Frankly, I tend to prefer the men with whom I get the tension with – even if the date doesn’t get legs, the initial date and flirting is just more fun. I love the sexual tension and I love to look sexy. Especially now….sexy now is an entirely different thing than it was before. My body requires little to no effort to appear sexy to a man who likes a lean, fit woman. This is a major head trip, for me. I love the fact that nothing is uncomfortable when I wear it any longer. Most articles of clothing are going to look good on me no matter what. I can wear heels all night long. I’ve always had the feeling of “being” sexy, but now its much more prevalent since I am proud of my body (well, the exterior, the wounds and loose skin get compartmentalized when I am getting dressed because they are under wraps). I don’t think my behavior is any different, but removing the physical self doubt is a massive relief.

I did choose weight loss surgery after all.

And then I chose to take care of the gift of life I was given post all the trauma. I’m super fit and lean now. I feel better physically and find that the working out helps me redirect a lot of negative energy. I never thought I would be the one to say it but I love how the fitness makes me feel now. It has changed my life.

This is a bit long-winded story about how I didn’t care how I looked on a first date. I had matched with someone who wanted to meet this particular night.

I had planned to do something quite out of character for me – I decided to go into the Peloton studios and do 3 classes in a row, in costume, for Halloween. Alone. Why? No reason at all. More like, why not? I could. I love my Peloton classes and getting in studio is always awesome. Plus, not that I admit this to any of my friends or family, but there is probably some attention factor in here. Going to the studio gets me noticed by my instructors and creates a more personal bond when you interact with them on social media. When I’m not working, the Peloton social community is my primary source of accountability. If I make a post that I will do something, I do it. I don’t know how the logic of that works for me, but it does. So when I feel like I need a little push to step out of a comfort zone, I post before I think about it too much. Then I’m committed.

The classes started at 6:30pm and would end by 10:30pm. It was a pretty big fitness commitment and when I am in studio, it also means a push effort – I don’t want to “take it easy” on myself in studio. All classes have a “spotlight” bike, tread or mat. In the past, I have chosen this spot knowing I would be on camera for the studio taping of the on-demand classes. Unexpectedly, I ended up in this spot in 2 classes -in full costume – doing classes that were so far out of my comfort zone that I questioned the sanity of these spontaneous choices. I did a 45 minute run (I have never run that long) and a 30 minute yoga class (I never did a studio yoga class and I can’t do half the poses). Of course, in the end, it worked out amazingly well and I had a blast and did just fine. I loved being on camera (sort of, off to the side and in the dark, but still! Lol)

I did trip on the treadmill towards the end! Whoops! No one saw, right?

It reminded me that I like the spotlight and the competition. My personality feeds off these things, but I forget that it does. I should really consider how to tap into more of this part of myself – because I am good at putting myself out there. My confidence takes a huge leap and I become like a different person. I recall times in my life where the spotlight was on me that it brings out my type A competitive nature and I want to crush whatever it is I am doing. I can’t create this feeling, or even call it up – but when it happens I love it. I know athletes are able to tap into this ability to focus themselves and hype themselves up for competition, but when I try to do that, it doesn’t work the same as when it happens organically. I hadn’t actually thought of this before and maybe I should do a little research on why this happens with me.

This night, it was all organic. Sort of. I had set myself up for the potential something could happen, by being in costume, being present and interactive, and I was going to be equally as ok if nothing happened. But, it did – I was noticed, ended up on camera, and made new friends. I loved every minute. No one was there who knew me or could judge, and the side of my personality that I normally don’t let loose too often – you can call it my cocky side -comes out. My confidence and happiness overflow and I can affect those around me. It’s such a natural high.

It was several hours of high intensity interaction and exercise. I loved every minute. If I could somehow tap into that energy more frequently, it would be amazing – I don’t know where it would take me because it feels boundless. However, times like this – where the energy is flowing so heavily from within – exhaust me for days. Add into it my chronic anemia, which happens to be keeping me down because it’s time for an iron infusion, and one event like this could knock me out for a week.

The bottom line was – after these classes I was going to be a mess. My hair was a birds nest of hairspray and curls, my makeup soaked through, and I would be a soppy sweaty mess. I would be able to take a shower post the last ride, but there was nothing I could do about makeup or the fact I had worn yoga pants going into the studio. Hardly the ideal condition to meet someone for the first time…..