dating – Page 2 – Madeline Harper

Tentative Maturity

My brain knows (most times) what’s right and when my brain isn’t paying attention my gut generally steps in. I don’t always listen but I have been making a very concerted effort since my breakdown to try my best. I show up for myself most days.

That probably sounds like I did something dumb. I actually didn’t. I’m just feeling a bit (well, maybe a lot more than a bit) melancholy. Dropped my first born off to college, I don’t have a partner and I’m still out of work. The sense of loss or failure is looming large and I’m working really hard to keep myself together.

I met a man online named Peter. He came to my home for drinks – it’s so hard to go out anywhere and I don’t really want to keep inviting men here, but there’s no option for a casual drink anymore. My back deck suits just fine but I hate that the kids know I have company. Going to a park feels really awkward to me and I won’t go to someone else’s home. I think I vet them well enough before they come here but I suppose one never knows.

Peter was a nice guy but I struggled with the laughter again. He looked like his photos but didn’t, hard to explain. He wasn’t unattractive but I found him less appealing in person. I am somewhat critical about how people dress because of my industry, but it’s no dealbreaker. He was just dressed too young for his age. He talked too much about himself and his business. He asked a question and before I could form a complete sentence was interjecting whatever he wanted to tell me about himself. He literally pulled his cock out of his pants as a joke that just wasn’t funny. I didn’t look. I looked him right in the eye and told him he was dumb. He felt chastised but that wasn’t my goal – what is it about me that makes EVERY man lead with sex? What vibe am I giving off and how the he’ll do I stop? The date wasn’t a complete loss, but I wasn’t really feeling great about it.

I should have cut it off immediately after the first date but I know I didn’t because I’m lonely and thought to myself I should give him a second chance. He was good about communicating every day but I began to get frustrated with the same questions. I think he must have asked me if I liked salmon no less than 6 times (I don’t). It felt like a boring Groundhog Day in most every conversation. He is a part time basketball coach so at one point during the last conversation I asked him if he liked basketball. 😂🙄. I was entertaining myself again – I knew it was time to just call it a day. We were due to have our second date this week and he was going to make me dinner (you can guess what he wanted to make).

I really am not sure if this guy was a space cadet or really disinterested. I don’t know, nor do I care. But he didn’t pay attention and he certainly didn’t ask much about me beyond “how are you” or “what are you doing” type of questions. I know this is how you gauge a mans intent. They always show you who they are at some point early on. When I sent the text today to politely decline dinner and moving forward, he replied that he was caught off guard. Probably because he was too focused on his attraction to me and not paying any attention to our actual interaction. Or maybe he just wanted to sleep with me. Doesn’t matter.

I still had a little trouble writing that text to let go in favor of having some company, any company. I knew I should have written it last week but getting my kid ready for college drop off consumed my time and thoughts. I still feel loss today. I suppose the loss is ambiguous- I am not mourning the loss of Peter – just the loss of my child to his adult life and the hope of relationship once again. The general loss of my life as it was pre 2018.

I still can’t help myself to think of each new match as future potential. I don’t know if this helps or harms the dates. I don’t believe I come across as needy, unhappy or depressed but I’m starting to feel the weight of frustration. My x has now been in a relationship for 2 years and the kids have dinner with them once in a while. I suppose this bothers me as well on some level and I think whenever a long term partner gets into another relationship there is some adjustment period. I did have a good laugh this weekend when my son told me that his grandmother no longer thinks of me as the devil and says she preferred me. More like the devil you know with my x-MIL.

The man I started to see before Covid, Scott, lives in the same state as my sons college. We have established a tentative friendship. I know he would like more, he knows I know, but he is willing to be friends.

Then there’s Mike. Why? He never fails to make my heart flutter and I don’t think he’s truly contrived, but I sort of don’t get why he does what he does. On the nights we spent together (a year ago now) one song seemed to be on repeat and he would sing it to me. It was one of the things I found so endearing. He must have been home alone and the video came on and he sent me a clip and said “every time I hear this I think of you”. Why? Why? Why can’t he just date me? Dumbass me responds with “lets have drinks on the deck”. No response. Of course. Delete yet again.

Tony is back stalking my IG. Any attempt at blocking him results in follows from made up names. It does cause “some” kind of feeling but the closest I can identify is sadness. I have no desire to reach out. If he wants to stalk, or if it’s his wife, then so be it. I’m really done now. I know it took 2 years and nearly killing myself but I can say that I am no longer in love with Tony.

I do feel I am making good choices – part of that is the choices are sincerely limited – there are not any good matches coming up for any of my friends. Part of that is the realization that I would rather be alone than with someone I am not ultimately compatible with.

But depression is seeping in much faster than I feel I can control. And this worries me….will I be able to manage the depression without becoming reckless again?

Breaking Quarantine Virginity

I think it was a big deal to decide to have the first post-quarantine kiss with Darren, but I felt pretty confident he was safe. We had spent quite a bit of time talking about where we had been, what we had done and what we were doing to remain safe.

I was probably less cautious the second time with Rich. I certainly didn’t pay enough attention to small alarm bells going off because I was too focused on the “what’s next” instead of the “right now”. That is the first time I thought forward in an effort to remove some of the things I didn’t like about Rich immediately. I allowed myself to ignore some warning signals in favor of moving forward.

It was a mistake that left me baffled to be honest.

Rich lived about 2.5 hours north of me. His profile was equal parts interesting, funny and appealing. One photo (which is always the photo that is MOST accurate) wasn’t particularly attractive to me, but all the others showed a handsome, fit and active man who was 52 years old.

Rather than tell every detail I thought I would split the post into three parts: what happened, what I ignored, and what I was thinking along the way that caused me to ignore the things I ignored!

We met on Bumble in early July and text, talk and video chat until meeting in person about the 3rd week of July. Conversation started easily and at a steady but not overdone pace but really heated up to much more protracted and intense conversation the week leading up to our meeting. He made no qualms about driving down to see me and knowing he was turning around to head home the same day. Initially we planned lunch but it was a 100° day and stormy so the humidity was deadly. I invited him to my home. We enjoyed conversation and moved to kissing. It really heated up and we ended up having sex a few times. It wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad either. He didn’t spend the night and we made immediate plans to see one another again. He would drive back down and spend the night. This entire time, Rich made it immensely clear how he was attracted to me and why. He seemed very excited and hopeful about our connection. He felt very open and genuine to me. I never doubted he was really, really into me. I told him about it surgery before sex and he wasn’t fussed with my new scars. The second time he came we went it to a really lovely and fun dinner and then continued the fun at home. The sex wasn’t much better than the first time, but again, ok. In the morning, we shared coffee on the deck before he left. Conversation remained normal for a few days and then turned to intermittent text with no discussion of a phone call or when we would see one another. He continued to indicate his interest in text but the comments seemed to be contrived now. There were no more phone calls. There were no requests to see me again. After a couple days of this, assuming he was just busy with work, I asked when I would see him again and made a proposal. We had one phone call which didn’t go very well, he just wasn’t engaged and called at a bad time for me. Eventually his text became less and less over the next few days. By Sunday Aug 2, one month after we started speaking and 2 weeks since we first met, he sent one strange text in the morning which I didn’t reply to and I’ve not heard from him since.

That’s the summary of what happened. Ghosted in only one months time for no apparent reason.

Here’s what I ignored – and when I told my friends all of this they looked at me like I had two heads for ignoring so much:

He looked older than 52 in his profile: he was 58. How I figured it out: I couldn’t reconcile his timeline of marriage, kids ages and subsequent relationships. So I asked him directly. Ok, everyone lies about age but 6 years is A LOT. The lie: “is my age wrong?” he claims he didn’t know his age was incorrect on his profile. Oh, come on.

He said he was married once. He wasn’t, he was married twice. How I found out: a friend found an article about him and within the article it indicated he was married with 4 kids while I knew he only had 3 (haven’t met anyone yet who lies about the # of kids they have!). When I asked about how the reporter got it wrong, he then told me he was married for a short time and she had a daughter. The lie: “I was only married for a year or so and it doesn’t really count. No one wants to know a man is married twice.”

He realized we were no longer connected on Bumble. In all honesty, I meant to pause the app. I got distracted by a new feature and deleted all my matches and conversations, including his. How I found out: he asked, supposedly days after he saw I wasn’t there. The lie: “I went into the app for your photos while I was driving down to see you for our second date”. You go into the app for one reason after 3 weeks of constant communication, to check your messages from your matches. He had received plenty of photos of me by that point.

One night he disappeared the entire evening until the morning. We had been chatting normally until 4pm. I sent 3 text after that which went green (iMessages are blue) and I knew he wasn’t out of range. I called and it went to VM. The lie: “I got a new phone and it took all night to transfer the data and phone # over.” How many of you have gotten new phones where it took a whole afternoon/night to transfer over? Never. I need to add why this is so suspicious, it was the day before he was due to come down and not hearing from him for 20+hours (because he didn’t text first thing in the am, it was after noon) made me assume he ghosted me. The funny thing here is he said “I would never ghost you, you must know that’s not my style!” Funny that.

Then there are the things that really didn’t sit well with me:

On his first trip down I realized too late I never have him my address and sent it over. He said he had already googled me and found it. This sort of bothered me but I know we all google each other. It just felt weird that he never asked.

Every significant relationship (he had 3 other than his two marriages) he ended because the woman couldn’t make the decision to move it forward to more (or marriage) after living with them. He claimed he tried everything he could so it wasn’t his fault. At first I felt he had a lot of healthy relationship experience but I began to look at this differently as time went on. One was a narcissist, one just didn’t want to leave her town and hour away and he didn’t want to move to that town, another one was hyper focused on work and wouldn’t talk about the future, and another got pregnant without his consent. Then I found out some doozies: his daughter was the product of the woman who wanted more and he didn’t yet he kept having unprotected sex with her and eventually she got pregnant. She was also extremely volatile and always threatening him and taking away his child. His first divorce was so contentious that he was arrested multiple times. The layers of complexity were brushed away as unimportant details of past relationships.

The first 2/3 weeks we spoke and video chat it was green text (indicating android phone) and Bumble video chat. One time he said let’s face time and I laughed and said he couldn’t do that with an android phone. He then admitted he was using a burner number the entire time and gave me his real phone #. He claimed he had a few women just keep trying to contact him so this felt better to protect his information. The lie: you can google him and his real phone # comes up. I just didn’t catch this until after this happened. He has a very public company in real estate. This is the first and only time in 6 years I’ve met a man using a burner number.

He said he dated 175 women before he found his last relationship that last 4 years. 175 in a year! I looked back and in my best year I dated 35 men. He was looking for his formula. This is why he was still checking his Bumble matches and why he disappeared at the same time every day.

The morning we woke he was very, very ready to have sex and made no moves to do so. Eventually I asked and he declined. I made a silly comment about rejection and got out of bed to start the coffee. Later he told me he didn’t reject me and it had nothing to do with me. That he was trying to change the way he approached dating and not get so hung up on the sex because it made him fall faster and he was already falling for me. I wanted to believe this but it didn’t feel right. Rejection is rejection and we had already had sex multiple times the day before. The way he said the words sounded like a script from a book if that makes sense. Don’t let her think you’re gaslighting her.

He had already gone on multiple first dates during Covid. This should have given me more pause than it did but he claimed there was no connection and therefore no kissing or sex.

He claimed every relationship he ever started had began with first date sex. He spoke about his sex drive often once we addressed the conversation yet he had a little trouble in the beginning. He said he hadn’t had sex in a year after the last breakup and was really waiting to meet the right person to start his next relationship before having sex. If these were “lines” to convince me to sleep with him they had no impact on my decision to be a ho or not! When I type them out they sound like lines. Lol.

Wasn’t all of those small white lies enough to equate to one big red flag that said stop? Nope. Here’s why not:

He had a lot of attractive qualities that I liked for the long run. In particular: he was very fit and active, he liked to socialize like I did, he seemed like a good Dad, he seemed to have a good track record with relationship, he was interested in me and made it known by his communication (that’s a big one for me), he was single, clever, an entrepreneur, and looking for a LTR.

I was never especially attracted to him but when I looked at him I thought “I might grow to like his appearance more.” His body was fucking fine for a 58 year old man, better than most men I’ve been with. Like, really really fine. Damn. Lol. Anyway, I neglected to see I was dating myself with laughter – he wasn’t particularly funny and I carried most conversations once he learned most of what he wanted to know about me. This was suddenly and glaringly obvious on our last phone call.

I sort of knew from the moment we didn’t have morning sex that things were heading downhill. He didn’t let on the first few days, but it soon became apparent. Since I’m trying to listen more and talk less, I caught on to his change in conversational style pretty quickly.

In hindsight I realize Rich was much more contrived than I gave him credit for. I didn’t put stock into his many comments about me being the perfect match for him and his excitement in connecting with me. (See, growth here people!). I know it’s because I never got the butterflies with him – but he said all the right things and stuff I normally would kill to hear.

The strangest thing of all. The last text he sent was “early day for you running.” At 7am on a Sunday. I hadn’t spoken about waking early to run and I double checked that I never posted anything like on social media. At first it stopped me in my tracks like how could he have known. I never answered that text and he hasn’t text since.

So much for never ghosting next, Rich. Cause you’re not that type.

I was a little butt hurt the first week, sure. Mostly because it was pretty drastic that he just stopped texting entirely. Then I just reminded myself that when a man is interested they pursue. They ALWAYS pursue. I recall when I first started dating that I just didn’t believe this. This is a fucking fact.

I do wonder why I am having so much rejection and don’t date anyone longer than a month and generally the ones I choose to sleep with are the ones who ghost me. This fucks with my head for sure. In this case I look back and don’t see anything I did wrong. I’m certain Rich was playing a broad field and lying, I just ignored obvious signs.

At least, that’s what I tell myself.

The Big Quarantine Lesson

Before anyone else says it, let me say it first – I should have learned this sooner and saved myself a whole lot of heartbreak.

I wrote that George and I played a question and answer game that forced deep conversation. It opened doors that normally would never be opened as quickly in any relationship. It exposed raw thoughts and feelings. It highlighted both the individual and couple strengths and weaknesses. It is not a game to be played with anyone you are no serious about having a relationship with.

George was serious. I was not. I was pretty sure George was going to pursue and I was going to flirt. I was initially in the position of power here.

Until the game highlighted things about George that reminded me why I loved Tony. That fucking game. But I can’t just blame the game, it’s the way I played it. That was my big mistake.

Now, it doesn’t matter whether or not I played the game right or wrong in terms of having a dating relationship with George. I know I played it wrong for having a dating relationship with ANYONE. And that’s where the life lesson was found.

There were multiple categories and questions within each category. Some were harmless, some serious, some sexy and some flirty. But some were deep, like really deep getting to know you stuff.

The questions and answers themselves don’t really matter. Nor does it matter what George and I said to one another or how it ended between us (spoiler alert: covid made the decision, not us). What matters was when George said this can’t go on and I realized how I was going to feel about that (because we had created a false sense of deep intimacy) I had to take a good hard look at myself and understand why I was feeling so anxious and depressed over a man I didn’t initially even want (I can still stare at his photo and wonder if I would be attracted and find myself guessing not) and had never met. I lie in bed for a good two days really feeling sorry for myself. Quarantine did not help this overwhelming sense of depression and rejection. I really took this rejection harder than I should have.

George did say if it wasn’t for covid and we had an opportunity to meet, he would want to start talking again with the hopes of potentially building something. On the other hand, he thinks he’s too needy for a long distance relationship so chances are it’s not the right relationship for him. He never said he didn’t want me, didn’t like me – none of that. I can say, in hindsight, that we are not compatible for many reasons which led to him needing to take a break from “us” anyway. He did the right thing I just had a hard time acknowledging it at the time. My vision has become much more clear with introspection.

So here’s what I did wrong when I played the game – I threw out careless answers to shock because I didn’t think I would ever be interested in George. For instance: what is something you would never do again? My answer: go to a swingers club.

Another one: is it ok to have sex on the first date? Me: Abso-fucking-lutely!!

Shocker. George is basically a prude. 😳😂 He could never quite get past those two answers. He did not like sexual banter in general and I had to pull back on this because it’s a go to for me when I don’t care where the conversation will lead.

Does it matter that I shocked George in particular? Nah. This is about what I learned for my long game. When I thought about what I did – I realized I need to keep my mouth shut. I do not need to shock anyone. I don’t even need to tell anyone any of my personal business so quickly. Especially sexual. I play all my cards early on. I run my mouth. I over-share. I want the man to know everything right away. Let’s jump into the deep end! That has to stop. Like immediately.

Even, perhaps, maybe never share some of the things I’ve done. Do we really need to tell the intimate details of our past? Is that a requirement? Jury’s out on this because I like the transparency but maybe it is the right move.

Ok, lesson one. Learned.

George is very polite. He doesn’t argue or disparage. He tries to understand and appreciate differences in people. He values shared activities with his partner. He values compatibility that isn’t solely based on that white hot chemistry. So much so he won’t have sex until the 3rd date night matter what.

How the game played out here – the question was “what is a bucket list item to do with your partner?” George’s answer was to visit every national park. My immediate reaction: I’m not doing that. Why? Why would I have to stomp on his bucket list item with my own opinion? Because I didn’t think I cared about a relationship with him, that’s why. But what it taught me is that I need to keep my mouth shut. Sure, that’s not up my alley. But a better reply would have been: tell me what interests you about doing that? It opens an opportunity to learn more about the person. I just shut him down and disappointed him. And I didn’t do it just once, I did it a few times with a few things. I think in my head I’m trying to be honest and open about my dislikes, but I realize I can accomplish the same by taking a different path. I could add it’s not something that ever interested me before so the jury would be out on if I would enjoy it or not but I was open to new experiences. Perhaps it doesn’t apply to everything, but it can certainly apply to many.

I also learned, through conversation related to the game questions, the types of activities he likes to do with a partner and I was very attracted to this. I realized it’s been a very, very long time since I’ve done anything shared with a man. I’ve literally had one active date ever since divorce. I don’t think my opinion has changed that a first date should not be a shared activity, I prefer a drink, but it made me realize how much I wanted someone to share activity with. When I thought about the men I’ve dated, it was a quality I had long been attracted to and not acted upon for one reason or the other. It made me realize that date 2 should be a shared activity. Of course quarantine compounds the feeling of needing to get out and be active.

Lesson two: learned.

George is by no means some perfect man I let slip through my fingers. He’s set in many of his own ways and was looking for me to fit that mold and ignoring some of the disparity in favor of the things he liked about me. But he is a kind man who was willing to talk about his feelings and share his thoughts. I know for sure I appreciate this in a man. He is communicative and open. He is funny. He is really smart. A dad. He’s working hard to lose weight and be toned and fit and he’s doing a great job. He checked a lot of boxes (like almost every single one) but at the end of the day, he really isn’t my type. The game highlighted this as well and made me think to go back to my list of requirements and evaluate how I actually interpret them because “on paper” George did check the boxes. In actuality, maybe those boxes don’t define what’s truly compatible for me.

Lesson three is an activity for me: go back and think differently about my requirements and how they really impact if someone will be compatible for me or not.

Bottom line, I learned I need to go into dating a little less aggressively. No one needs to know all my darkest dirtiest secrets right away. And when I do choose to reveal them, it shouldn’t be in throw away comments, ever. I need to be more open about a potential partners likes until it actually happens – again, it doesn’t need to be solved right away in the first few weeks. When I think about how I’ve dated, I’ve put my best physical foot forward: I look good, I laugh, I’m smart, I’m sexual etc – but I don’t think I’m actually playing enough of the dating game by keeping my cards close to my chest until the time is right. I don’t mean to create a false impression of myself, just a less obvious one. I need to hold back more, give less, and be less invested. I have always been an all-in person, every time. That’s how I’ve gotten hurt so many times.

Before I had any in-person dates, I put these words into action. I looked for the right kind of connection and tried to focus less on immediate physical chemistry (at least from text and phone). I focused on the persons background, similarities, lifestyle and all the things that would make us compatible. I listened more. I asked more questions and I offered up a whole lot less about myself. I edited information about my past relationships, health and career – not lying l, just not giving up all the details right from the start. For my career, I learned to say “I have had an amazing and robust career and I’m looking forward to the job market opening back up for my next opportunity ” instead of diving into why I’m not working and how I feel about it because EVERYONE thinks they have the answer for how I should be recreating myself and chasing what’s next. For my past relationships I learned to say “Ive had two longer relationships which I valued but the details are best saved for in person conversation.” And, most importantly, I entirely avoid the sexual flirt and innuendo. If a man goes down that path with a gentle innuendo I can give a gentle one back, but don’t allow any lines to be crossed. I can tell almost immediately when this frustrates a man and it shows me where his mind and probably his intentions fall (however some are better at this game and you can’t always tell).

While George and I were not meant to be more than friends, that game and our interaction (and my mind being so quiet during quarantine) really opened my eyes for how I want to show up go forward. It’s time I grow up and realize I’m looking to play a long game here – and need to find a man who can do that with me.

I Enjoy Dating Myself: When a Sense of Humor is a Requirement on a Date

Here’s a big lesson I’ve learned: I know how to date myself and I have to say, I’m a pretty fun date. I bring laughter to any date. Even the ones where I’m watching paint dry.

I’ve selected one too many men that check lots of boxes but continue to miss a critical one – the funny box. I’ve tried one too many times to date a guy who just isn’t funny and I am always let down.

What baffles me the most is that everyone, and I do mean everyone, says laughter is important. Yet so few men can really illicit a belly laugh from me. I mean, they don’t even seem to try. But I can keep them rolling on the floor with my stories. I’m so good at a funny story that I can entertain myself. After all, I already know all the punchlines. I can carry an entire date. And that, my friends, is how I’ve made many mistakes. I want the laughter so badly that I sometimes ignore I’m laughing at myself.

I can also talk to a wall. Now, this is a learned behavior after years and years of corporate training presenting to large groups. I can talk about anything long enough to engage the party I’m speaking to. When I’m at work I know how to read the room. Similarly, I can also read each man I pre-screen yet I ignore the fact he doesn’t make me laugh. Why? Maybe because I used to believe some people need time to warm up. If that’s the case, I’ve now also realized that person probably isn’t for me. I know for certain I need a more gregarious man. A man who can be funny right from text. And it happens often enough so I know it’s very possible.

Funny without sexual innuendo. Funny without sarcasm. Funny without low brow humor. Just the right turn of phrase or words to put a smile on my face. Sometimes taking something I just said and gently teasing. Sometimes self deprecating. But funny comes across in text despite what anyone claims to the contrary. If it’s there, in text then it follows in the phone conversation in spades. It also follows that the date will be filled with laughter as well.

When I look back, this has 100% accuracy for me. It doesn’t mean every date is a success or the man is a match. But if he’s funny from text and phone he will be able to make me laugh in person despite if I am attracted to him or not. Scott is funny. Even though I’m not attracted to him I still laugh with him often. He is just funny. George is funny. Even though we never met, he can get a solid laugh from me through text and on the phone. Mike, Dan, Tony etc all very funny men. My x, while his humor is mostly unappealing to me in my maturity, is still very funny. Thinking back to the first man I slept with, Dan, he made me cry with laughter – and still does to this day when he reaches out.

I have to stop dating men I don’t find funny. I have to stop giving them way to long to crack a joke and make me laugh.

I’ve really been debating my own list of requirements as I grow older and think I’ve tried enough to let this one slide. Laughter has become a non-negotiable. I believe I’m so lonely I’ve allowed some of those other check boxes to take the place of this one but I know I can’t live without laughing hysterically the rest of my life. I don’t want to keep dating myself. I want to date someone who is funny. Period.

Dating in the Time of Covid pt 2

We are all caught up with my dates pre Covid and during quarantine, so what changed? We are not exactly out of our state quarantine, we have many restrictions in place, but luckily I live in one of the few states that is currently marked safe. We may have been the worst at one point, but now we have all kids of travel restrictions – we want to keep people out!

My time in the hospital was pretty hard. I wasn’t able to eat or drink and I was mostly in a lot of pain and on heavy narcotics. No visitors were allowed so my company consisted of the nurse and doctor visits (many who often stayed to chat). It leaves a lot of time in one’s own head.

My conversations with the doctors and nurses change my opinion about how I was living in fear around Covid. I do not dispute how dangerous the virus is and can be, but I have chosen to try to begin living more carefully. For me, that included dating again. When I started speaking / texting men on the apps, I was surprised how many had been dating all during quarantine. Some safely, and many not so safely! Ultimately, I had to decide who I was going to trust to date. I think I have made good decisions so far, but absolutely was caught out by a narcissist. He gets his own post.

I have matched with some men who still don’t want to text or speak, they want to meet immediately. I didn’t want to do this before Covid, but this is absolutely out of the question now. Besides meeting someone I am potentially incompatible with and wasting my time, there is an actual safety issue, even if we are in public and socially distant. I just don’t want to take the risk, it’s not worth it to me. Still, I have had more than one man come after me for not taking risks, not being spontaneous, and one even went as far to say I was controlling because I had to have things my way by establishing compatibility first. I’m just surprised how many men outright want to meet after one text, not establishing any form of compatibility and then get angry when I ask to chat some more, despite stating I’m not interested in being a pen pal either. It’s a hard no for me if they are even willing to do that.

I did manage to have a few safe dates. A quick recap:

First Date: Isn’t this terrible – I can’t even recall his name. He was a nice guy, our text was super easy. We had a quick phone call that went well and he had an underlying sense of humor. The first red flag: he hadn’t dated in some time or even have much dating experience. We had a bunch of things in common so it was worth meeting. We met at an outdoor restaurant in the daytime. I was instantly not attracted upon meeting him. His photos we’re taken at very good angles, and he was one of the rare few that looked worse in person. The conversation was too serious, with little to no laughter and I was simply disinterested. We enjoyed a glass of wine and a short walk around the block, but I was home within 2 hours. I was happy to be out in the sunshine feeling somewhat normal outside my home, even if everyone was socially distant and masked. For a first outing, it was fine. I let him know by text the next morning that I didn’t think we were a good match. He didn’t respond and deleted me from Bumble immediately. I understand. Getting that text sucks, but I hate when someone doesn’t have the courtesy to be stand up human and do the same for me, and many just don’t.

Darren: Another easy match by text and he lived in my town which was a first. We spoke by phone and hit it off. I should have seen the disparity in styles when we were trying to find a local place to meet and he was unhappy with every choice I made without saying why. He kept going back to the same two places which I was clear I didn’t want to go because they were on very busy streets and in our town, which I just wasn’t comfortable with because my kids friends would most likely be working at these two places. I finally invited him over to my back deck. The first date went well enough, I wasn’t super attracted to him but he was appealing enough and I felt he could grow on me. We chatted easily but I did notice there was no laughter unless I was making a joke or telling a funny story (I am going to write a post about this – humor is no simple thing). We had a nice kiss goodnight and agreed to meet again. The second date came just couple days later and he made a fabulous proposition to bring lobster and shrimp to the my deck for dinner. Everything started off quite the same, easy conversation, shared smiles. But the evening turned at some point when he needled me about a few topics and I grew more heated than I should have. It wasn’t as if he actually disagreed with my opinion as much as he wanted to continue to force an opposite opinion. I knew by the end of the evening neither of us much liked the other. I wrote in the morning to thank him for the date and he replied to me with a polite “I don’t think we are a match” text. We wished each other well.

Lew: there were many red flags with Lew. Too many. He was a widower of about 10 years with no long term relationships within that time. He worked from home. He kept talking about sex even after I asked him not to. Then it became innuendo which was more irritating. He did apologize each time and said he would try and do better. When I asked about his friends he said they were all married and rarely if ever went out with just the boys. When I asked about his activities or travel the answer was always the same: I don’t but I would if I had the right partner. This was a man who had convinced himself that his life hadn’t moved forward due to his lack of finding the right woman – and that woman needed to have a high sex drive. I didn’t learn all of this before I met him – he happened to live on the way up to my sisters so we met for a quick drink. He was better looking in person and nicely dressed. The date was stale. We didn’t laugh. Conversation was too serious. I was glad it was a hard stop at an hour since I had to get on the road. He was anxious to see me again because I checked whatever boxes he had particularly the physical appearance, attraction and intellect ones. It was too obvious he was placing too high a value on the physical chemistry – and I understood. I used to do the same thing and work hard to try and get over that even now. Later that evening I sent the text to decline meeting again and he didn’t answer and deleted me from Bumble immediately.

Rich: now here was promise. Finally. Rich gets his own post because there’s a whole story here. I still haven’t figured out what happened and I’m highly unlikely to ever know why but he ghosted me after a month of speaking and two dates.

Matt: oh what a cutie Matt is. I really adore him. Problem is he lives 600 miles away in Michigan! We met on line just after Rich and I met online so we’ve been speaking for about a month via text now. We are quite similar and attracted in photos and text. He loves the flirt. He also loves to send a cock shot. He doesn’t even try to call which irks me and then I remind myself there is zero point in attempting to move this relationship beyond what it is: a light flirtatious text boyfriend. This does take willpower on my part not to push for me (despite knowing it’s fruitless, I still get irked, I’m working on this). If he was genuine he would call and not make excuses for it. I no longer discount the possibility of a long distance relationship, but that needs to work on both sides. He gets the hall pass for sexting because it’s light, fun and harmless. I never send dirty photos and he never asks. We talk about his life mostly, he doesn’t ask a whole lot of questions. He says good morning every day and good night every night and checks in throughout the day. He’s lonely, I’m lonely and that’s pretty much it. I’m sure it ends when one or the other of us meet someone to date.

That’s it. We are all caught up til today. Many men are much more willing to travel for relationship than before (unless they live in the city, that hasn’t changed – they are too locked into city life). I have to be cautious about how far my matches are because I don’t know what I want in terms of distance but I don’t rule it out. I suppose a couple things happened during quarantine – people are working from home for the most part everyone has more flexibility and single people realized just how lonely they are without relationship. I’ve been surprised at how common this theme is – many men didn’t have their children with them or have adult children and hadn’t seen them for some time. They also lost their gyms. If they didn’t live in a home they suddenly found themselves very bored and alone and struggling to keep their time filled. I wonder how long this will last?

Shallow Thoughts Could Derail Something Good

I’m a tiny bit worried about this week.

I met a Peloton guy on line. We were flirting in a shared Peloton group and it moved to text, then to phone. Holy cow do I like this guy. Uh oh. I know my triggers.

Jerry hit every single button, twice over. I probably can’t even list all the things I like about him without meeting him. We’ve spoken for hours on the phone and by text – which I already know isn’t good before meeting and I can’t help myself.

He’s all he good things I’m looking for. Let’s start with his voice. It hits me the way my x-husbands used to back when I married him, or Tony’s or Bobby’s….I have always had a thing for the right voice. He’s got a slight accent which I adore. He’s very tall. He has two older children. He’s single. He has a great job. He motivated to have a relationship and is ready emotionally. He is fitness minded. He has a good foundation and support system of family and friends. His communication is like mine.

We behaved like teenagers. We began speaking on Saturday evening and we spoke on the phone for 8 hours. Even I have never done that before (could also be because I fall in love with married men??!!) We didn’t get off the phone until 7am, right through the time change! I lost a whole night, slept for 3 hours before I got started that Sunday, and I still felt like I was walking on a cloud thinking of him.

We are very aligned on so many important things, including understanding each others love languages. I could write a long list but the bottom line is he is exactly everything I’ve been looking for. Believe me, there is a red flag and a big one, but I’m not going to write about it now because its the kind of red flag I’m just going to have to see for myself with time.

It feels so right.

Except.

Except I’m unsure I will be attracted to him and thats disappointing to me. The physical pull is so important for me when I meet someone – its the one thing I have not been able to surpass, except with Tony. I keep thinking its possible this could happen with Jerry, and maybe I’m overthinking it, but I’m literally trying not to get too attached to how much I like everything abut him so I’m not disappointed when I meet him.

I’ve seen his photos. There is something appealing about him, but mostly I’m not particularly attracted. There are some bad photos of him that make me very unattracted, so who knows how he appears in person. My closest (and most judgmental) friend said “he’s not ugly M.” No he’s not ugly.

I’m going to have a very selfish and immature moment here, because this should be my safe space and I’m always honest here. I’m a very attractive woman for my age. Now I am also very fit and active. I bring a lot to the table and I (now) know my worth. Why is it I can’t get a guy of equal physical qualities? I want an attractive guy. I want the type of guy that my friends would compliment with a “he’s cute.” I don’t want to be the girl on someones arm and people comment the guy has a girl better looking than he is. This really bothers me. I realize this is entirely superficial, but it has stopped me from moving forward with a “nice guy” multiple times.

When dating Tony, I recall him looking down at me during sex with this completely euphoric expression, like, “I can’t believe I get to do this with you,” and I understand that “dating down” in terms of attractiveness can be a confidence boost in its own right. On the other hand, while I’m drawn to more attractive people, I’m just intimidated by the idea of dating someone hotter than me. So I don’t want to date someone too hot, just someone as equally attractive as I am, I don’t want to date down.

I am very open to meeting Jerry and trying to quiet this superficial side of my mind. I can see being his friend and confidant, and I love this. Our connection is strong emotionally, now I just have to conquer the physical part. I look at photos of Tony today and I don’t find him any more or less physically appealing than when I first saw his photo, but I am drawn to him, despite the fact he’s not super attractive. My hope is that this somehow happens with Jerry and we can explore the connection that we have.

Personally, the person I had the most deep, chemical attraction wasn’t conventionally handsome. The attraction felt almost indefinable, relying on everything from his looks and style to his mind and profession, to the smell of his skin and the sound of his voice. Deep attraction is, of course, a multisensory experience. But, as un-shallow as I have congratulated myself for being with Tony, I will admit that its mostly someone’s looks which overwhelm any need for a deeper compatibility at the start.

In the meantime, we have agreed to meet as friends with zero expectations. He is coming here to my city so he can go into the studio with me to run with my favorite instructors before the old studio closes and the new one opens. Jerry doesn’t live in my area, it would be a long distance relationship which I am very open to. He will come in Wednesday evening and depart Friday after class. We spoke about it and it is easiest for me to stay with him if I take the early morning classes – so he got a hotel room with two queen beds. I will meet him Wednesday afternoon and then have dinner plans with a friend and will come back to the hotel. We will run together with my other friends on both Thursday and Friday. We have brunch plans with mutual friends both days, and we will spend time together alone on Thursday afternoon and evening.

I am comfortable spending the time with him as a friend should the physical connection not be there. We’ve spoken about it and its clear there are no expectations.

Of course I know this is all risky, but we are both willing to give this a shot. The connection is unusual – when I met South Dakota, it was an instant physical connection, but ultimately we didn’t have anything in common and as the night went by, I could see him becoming less appealing. I wanted to pursue it further, but that didn’t happen so who knows. This type of emotional connection hasn’t happened since Mike and John and thats almost a year ago at this point. Clearly, there is no obvious reason for when and why I am physically or emotionally attracted to someone. I wasn’t particularly physically attracted to Dan and we ended up with some great dates, a mini vacation and some fabulous sex. I am struggling with this one and overthinking it for sure.

For once, I want my heart, brain and twat to fucking agree.

He’s Trolling Again

I had posted a while back that I had noticed Tony on my IG. I blocked him, blocked the two alternate names he was using and let it stay that way a bit. Then I unblocked him and it started again. That last time I sent a burner text to ask why he would be doing it. He stopped for a while and when I saw him pop in I just blocked him again, until I saw yet another random name trolling.

I blocked that name as well and today his name popped back up. Same situation as last time, I block the troll and the very next day his name appears.

I don’t have any specific feeling, or at least a desire or longing for him. Seeing his name did cause me to check Facebook and twitter where I noticed he’s unblocked me as well. It does generate curiosity. Is it him peeking in or his wife? Are the troll names created because he’s THAT curious or because the wife knows it could illicit a response from me (it won’t this time). I mean this might be the 4th troll name at this point and it seems excessive he would want to troll me that much. It FEELS more like something a woman would do. After all, he kept me blocked for over a year. If he wanted to communicate with me he knows how to do it’s not that.

I’m not going to do anything about it and I’m not dwelling on it. This post is the extent of my thoughts on it but I am spending these few minutes wondering why. Sometimes I would like to think he’s doing it to be sure I’m ok, or maybe I’ve got a boyfriend. Sometimes I think he might miss me. Sometimes I don’t know and don’t care. The bottom line is that man will always be in my heart and I doubt it ever goes away.

Rather than question how I feel, because its really not the point of this post – what are your thoughts on why he would be back on my IG feed every day? Now that I deleted his roll name, he’s back under his own name so I know it’s him and he knows I know its him. Let me reinforce, it’s really not bothering, its just curiosity.

He’s A Nice Guy (Pt 2)

Thursday rolls around and Scott made arrangements at a hotel close to my home and said he would be here around 5pm. He was done with his local work early and ended up arriving around 2pm and I was nowhere near ready. I had that moment of panic that he would perceive me as disinterested but then got a grip and, instead of dropping everything I needed to do for myself, which included my workout, I didn’t and just let him know I would be ready after 5pm as planned. He wasn’t phased at all and told me to take my time, that my workout was important.

I also knew I didn’t have to go overboard with getting dressed for him, and I could just clean up nicely and we would be fine. I have seen a change in how I handle preparing for dates and don’t find myself really going over the top to impress anymore like I once did. In one way this is a relief, but in another sort of sad that I don’t get excited like that anymore. I suppose my sexy outfits and shoes will eventually be for one man who is going to really appreciate the effort I’ve gone to look good.

We met in the lobby and went to his room, once again with no pressure to have sex. We both admitted to being hungry so decided we should wait before getting messy. We also decided we would just eat in the hotel restaurant (which is quite nice, actually). Another pleasant and easy evening ensued. Conversation flows easily, but I still can’t put my finger on what I don’t like about Scott – but there is SOMETHING. Not enough to stop me in my tracks, but it’s there. Its making me a little nuts to ty and figure it out and, perhaps, inhibiting some of my more natural behavior.

Divorced for several years, two older children in college, a steady government job, a home and car. He’s stable and emotionally available. One longer relationship with a married woman so he understands what I went through pretty intimately which was unusual. We like a lot of the same things, we think along the same lines in how we approach things and there is no tension between us at all. We laugh together, but he’s not exactly funny -we just find humor in similar things and I am funny so he laughs at me.

But, for me, there is no excitement. I do miss that.

When we went back to the room we had another fun evening and we did a lot of talking to get to know one another. He makes it clear he is interested in me. He said I don’t know how to take a compliment (is that true? maybe. I am also uncomfortable with a lot of compliments coming from someone when I don’t know how I feel about them). I stayed over and needed to leave early to go for a workout, which again, he encouraged and was impressed that I was committed to my Peloton.

I would like to say he is a consistent communicator, but I haven’t gotten his pattern down yet. He prefers text to talk, which is unusual for a man. He asks a lot of non-text-appropriate questions (like “why are you single”) that shouldn’t be answered in text and require face to face or at least a phone conversation, which I say clearly I won’t engage in text and then he agrees (almost like it’s a test of what I will and won’t answer? I don’t know).

And then, the most confusing part to me – all the words are right. So many remind me of Tony. I have been dying to hear some of this and now its falling flat. But, why? Because its not Tony or because Scott isn’t the “one” they should be coming from? Or am I just smarter and know to keep things at a slower pace? I have this distinct feeling they are disingenuine, but then I think “how could that be” when its so new and its so consistent?

Here’s a snippet of his text to me:

I haven’t stopped thinking about your eyes. Your smile. Your laugh. Your beautiful body. I can’t wait to see you.

(sends a photo of dog on his lap and I reply “that looks comfy”) I’d prefer to have this absolutely stunning and breathtaking women I just met in that spot.

I know I want to hold her. Caress her gorgeous neck. Run my fingers over that sexy collarbone. Kiss her sensual lips. See the pure radiance of her smile. Be in her presence. Being around her makes your mind go blank.

I’m keeping a list of all your favorites (and he names them all…)

I may have spent a minute or ten telling my daughter about this super awesome lady I just met. Told her I would like to figure out how to snag her….yep, I said it. I will own it.

I’m going to need to work at Lowe’s part time (to buy me the things that bring me joy because his government job is low income)

You showed up and I was speechless….you look just like your photos but so much better in person and with such an amazing personality to match. I think you are the most amazing person.

So I should be thrilled, right? I’ve been waiting for this, right? Then why not? He’s so sweet, he’s so nice. Why don’t I want this nice guy? Why aren’t I more excited?

For sure one of my blocks is his income. It feels way to close to my marriage where the disparity will ultimately create issues. But, I don’t know this man and that’s putting a lot of my history onto him or a future with him which is unfair, but I think that’s a solid roadblock for me. I have a sense of luxury that I don’t want to give up -even being unemployed I don’t think I can make such a significant change in income and actually end up being happy (or grateful) about it. I think I’m already spoiled to some extent (which I’ve done to myself). If I am being practical the bottom line is that his current salary cannot afford the lifestyle I am used to and will keep me working until the end of my life. I don’t want that, I already know that. Is that an unfair thought, sure. But it’s the truth. My expectation was that somehow and somewhere someone would be taking care of me, not the other way around. Disparity in income and lack of ambition are some of the reasons I got divorced, this feels close to that – but I also shouldn’t assume just because he chose to stay in a government role that he’s not ambitious, should I?

He may also have a false sense of confidence. This is a total shot in the dark – his confidence could be real, I don’t know, but my instinct is that he’s a bit full of bravado. He doesn’t particularly beat his chest or something so obvious, but there are small indicators of how he thinks he’s “cool” and I tend to think people who really are, don’t need to speak about it. I don’t think I’ve hear him say anything self-deprecating…and this is usually my signal that the man is self-aware and has a sense of humility.

So, I’m at a loss. I don’t think I should cut him loose, but I can’t draw him closer either. Eventually things will work their way out I think and I will figure out whats at the bottom of it.

My friends are beginning to question my decisions with men. Most think I should settle for a nice man willing to care for me. A man who I would be a prize for. Yea, I get the idea, but I need my own prize and “nice” doesn’t do it. That aggression that goes with ambition is attractive to me, and those men are not a dime a dozen but have women who are. They also match and go off the market really quickly. Is it wrong to expect a man of similar caliber? If I find an unattractive man, but he has every other quality I’m looking for – why am I still dissatisfied? (This is what my friends keep saying to me – I’m shooting too high and have to drop the looks piece). So far, I have been unable to cross this hurdle – the physical attraction is a strong pull for me that I can’t seem to surpass.

I have taken a look at my requirements again, and they remain the same and I do realize that my formula may be broken, but despite trying to go our of my comfort zone, I can’t seem to be attracted to a man who doesn’t hit all of these:

Handsome / Attractive to me (which includes height and weight)
Ambition
Physically fit (this is actually much less of an issue anymore, most divorced men are)
Funny and fun
Financially well off – likes a little bit of bougie and doesn’t get upset with mine
White collar
Father
Divorced (or separated living apart of some time)
Great communicator; understand words of affirmation as a love language
Good sexual chemistry

How many of these are total deal breakers and not just desires? So far, it seems without 8/10 it becomes a deal breaker. The list used to be like 22 things, so this is a major improvement! But, even here, my friends think I should be focused on a nice man, and let some of the other things go (all their “nice men” are well off, intelligent and kind – and not good looking).

I’m at a loss lately and I feel like a spoiled brat, but I haven’t figured out what I can give up or even that I should give any of it up. Dan and Tony hit 9/10. Bobby to 8/10. Only Mike hit 10/10 and he wasn’t interested enough in me for unknown reasons. I still daydream about Mike and wonder why not me? I suppose he’s my unicorn.

If I’m not attracted to someone, how do you overcome this if they meet a bunch of other great criteria? Even the dating service I went to debated this with me – saying most women wanted a nice man and were not so worried about a mans looks. I don’t know how you have enough chemistry with someone you are not attracted to -to then go on and have decent sex? If Im not attracted enough to want to kiss them, how does the rest follow?

Ugh.

He’s A Nice Guy (Pt 1)

I was thrilled to have an exploratory interview last week and when I’m not feeling like I will jinx myself, I will write a post about it. It was sort of like talking to adults again for the first time in months! I felt my brain turn on, the adrenal rush my best skills coming out to play.

The interview was early afternoon and I had time to kill between the interview and meeting a friend for dinner. I had been talking to a match for a day or so on Bumble and had mentioned the break. He offered coffee post the interview and I accepted.

Right away there was a good connection. Scott was very responsive in text and conversation flowed easily. I was looking forward to meeting him, and attempting not to focus on his looks. His photos were cute, but not especially my type. I’m trying here.

Meeting him in person was pretty much aligned with what I had thought about the photos, good-looking but just not my type. The bigger disappointment was height as he indicated 6′ and if he was even 5’11” thats being generous. I HATE when guys lie about height. It is such a turn off to me. I was determined not to let the height thing get in the way of getting to know him. But, this shit sticks with you.

We had a nice date and sent a couple hours together before I needed to meet my friend. I thought he was kind, funny, interesting and fun to be with. There was an undercurrent of something I didn’t like and I still haven’t figured out what it was exactly. There were NO obvious red flags which was refreshing. When we left the bar we were at, he walked me to the restaurant to meet my friend. He pulled me in for a nice kiss and we were totally in sync. It didn’t send chills down my spine but it was a good kiss. Ever since Douchebag Jim I realize the importance of a good kiss even more acutely. Jim’s crappy kisses that one date really stuck with me more so than some others. He held my hand on the way to restaurant. I was comfortable.

While I was with my friend he sent a few follow up text to say he was thinking of me and couldn’t wait to see me again. At that moment my friend was telling me how jet-lagged she was and she wanted to cut the evening short. When I told Scott, he asked if I would come to see him (same city, different borough) and my (silly but sassy) answer was “I don’t cross bridges!” He immediately offered to come get me for our second date.

Before he arrived he had done some research on bars in the area and had a fe options. We walked hand and hand to check them out and decided together they didn’t have the right atmosphere for one reason or the other. We landed up finding a New Orleans style bar that was ideal, and it turns out we were out on Fat Tuesday, so the bar had a New Orleans style Second Line band (think mini- marching band!) We settled next to one another into a bench seat facing into the bar. The manager was friendly and kept giving us free Hurricane shots (after 1 I was done and he drank the rest). The music was fabulous and I found myself just sort of falling back into his embrace as we watched them play. We both had massive grins plastered to our faces, between the kisses and the music the night was really nothing short of great fun. It will be a night to remember because of the easy spontaneity.

Of course, now that the night is late and we have been drinking, he is asking me to come back with and I agree. He is very clear there is zero expectation of me, just that he doesn’t want the night to end. As we know, this is the prescribed line at this point in the evening, and I expected it. Unusually, I believed him. There was nothing in his behavior to suggest he would push me.

And he didn’t. Not once. Nothing inappropriate. He made sure I had water on my side of the bed. He wrapped his arms around me gently. Yes, we made out (a lot) and yes we were mostly undressed. He asked if his hands could wander. He asked if I felt comfortable. He didn’t cross any lines I wasn’t allowing him to cross. And then, I wanted sex, so that happened. Again and again until we fell asleep. Sex was good and he knows how to use what he’s got. He is intent on providing pleasure and looking for my cues. We fell asleep entangled and woke up and did it all over again. We were both very comfortable with the other and he was in no rush for me to leave.

The most notable thing to happen during ht evening was a surprise I still haven’t quite processed. As we were fooling around, but before sex, I mentioned my surgeries and scars. Without missing a beat, he lifted my shirt to look at my belly! I was so startled I didn’t know what to think. Before I had a chance to process (anger was the first immediate thought) he said “who cares, you’re gorgeous, your body is gorgeous and everything about you is beautiful.” And, I believe, he meant it because it was so matter-of-fact. But still, I was so caught off guard and just didn’t know what to make of his bold move. We moved into sex after that so I didn’t dwell on it. I didn’t remark on it again until the morning when I said I couldn’t believe he did it. He told me I was nuts to even let it cross my mind and said he wanted to hear the story when I was ready to tell it. The reaction of the men I have had sex with is exactly what Dan told me months ago, no one would care. It’s me, I care, it bothers me. The trick is trying to get over not letting it distract me and Scott removed the distraction immediately.

We walked to coffee together and he saw me to my car. Before I left he was making plans for our next date. He works between two major cities and his home is in the other city, but he stays in one place for a few weeks at a time. I didn’t ask when he would be back again, but I know he is here all the time. He offered to get a hotel close to my home so he could see me the next evening (as his company is paying for a hotel anyway) and I agreed. I suppose that would make it date 3.

The thing is, I don’t know how I feel. I don’t have a good reason not to be into him other than, perhaps, his looks. He isn’t unattractive, he just doesn’t “do it” for me, at least not yet. He’s a nice guy, so whats my issue?

He is interested, I like him, so I agree to the Thursday date. If he could go to the trouble to work from my area and make sure he saw me before he left the city, it was a good sign.

Is Sobriety a DealBreaker?

I’m just going to say, before you read this post, I really struggled getting these thoughts out of my head and onto the page. This post may not actually make a lot of sense, but its on my mind and I did my best to articulate what I’ve been thinking.

During this most recent dating spree, I am finding more sober men than ever before. I have been so curious about this! It certainly wasn’t this obvious even a year ago, and suddenly it seems like 6 out of 10 men are sober.

At first I thought its because of the health craze sweeping our world. Everyone wants to have some form of healthy identity and the two most identifiable life choices are plant-based diets and the health benefits of no alcohol. However, for me at least, health as a life choice hasn’t been the defining reason the man has become sober. The men I have met are all recovering addicts. Maybe they have taken that to the next level and also become super health conscious as well, but the primary reason for sobriety has been addiction recovery.

Out of curiosity, I have done some reading of late around addiction recovery. Part of it was driven by the fact that I continue to encounter men in recovery and should learn more about it, part of it was wondering if all men in recovery have a sort of “strange quirkiness” I can’t quite put my finger on, and part of it is because a friend of mine spoke about people she is close to in recovery in an entirely different way than I had experienced.

My experience, while limited, has never been positive. Any man I know in recovery has some weird quirk to them (and these are all different, but all equally off-putting). One man was so self-absorbed in his sober journey he was unable to create normal relationships around him. Another spoke about the program on rotation, and related everything back to the program. Another seems to have replaced his alcohol addiction with an exercise addiction. Yet another wasn’t actually recovered at all and had to keep going back to the program. What is quirky about any of these men? Nothing I can put in writing, but there was “something” unidentifiable that was evident in each of them.

I suppose I could relate on some level, their addiction journey to my trauma. Has my trauma defined my life? Drew a line through it definitively at one point and changed me forever? Yes. Yes it has. Is recovery something like that? I think so. So, I do believe I have a slight understanding how something can alter the course of your life forever and create a new path forward, one you must stay on for a multitude of reasons – there’s no going back. And then, how that life altering experience generates an entirely different outlook on life.

So, based on the above, if I can somewhat relate to a transformative journey, why do I feel something so very different with a recovering alcoholic? Is it simply a reflection of how I feel? I like to drink and catch a buzz and shit does get funnier with me when I do- am I passing judgment on them that it can’t possibly be as fun for them? (In truth, it never feels as fun with them). Drinking and socializing around drinking is a real thing. So, ok, if I were to date you there may be less of that – I think I could live with that since I’m getting older anyway and its not a bad lifestyle choice to reduce alcohol consumption.

But thats hardly it. It just starts there. And the rest I can’t even put into writing. I simply cannot explain the weirdness I have met with the sober men.

I went on date Saturday night with a man named Tim. There’s not much to write about the date itself, but he is the reason for this post as he is sober. 10 years recovering. For the first time, I met someone who was recovering that was actually funny! Maybe not belly laugh funny right away, but he had a good sense of humor and kept thing light and interesting. That was nice change. We were not a match for a few different reasons, but I was unsure (in his case) how much of that was down to sobriety. Tim was sort of attractive, tall, well-employed, interested and interesting. Started off pretty good. He asked a lot of questions. We were aligned on how trauma can help make you realize how good it feels to help others through their own personal traumas and most times is even good therapy for yourself. He looked pretty haggard as many do when they come out of years of alcoholism, but that wasn’t really bothering me as much as I just noticed it. His body language was off, he had a hard time determining what to do with his hands and body – and later said it was because I was so physically distracting. He was polite. Not a whole lot wrong on the surface, but my red flags were that he was going through his second divorce and had a strange living situation with the soon-to-be-x. Both his wives cheated on him and he didn’t really know why. He was very direct and transparent about anything we spoke about, and often got lost in his story before he realize the might have gone to far for a first date. Some of these things could have been pushed to the side and perhaps explored further in a second date, but I couldn’t get past a feeling of discomfort with his for no apparent reason. He had a weirdness to him I could’t identify.

He asked me out again at the end of the date and I said I would like to think it over. And I did think abut it, almost thinking I should go on a second date to explore what was off-putting a bit further. Ultimately, I wrote to him this morning to say I just didn’t think we were the right match and he wrote a great reply back:

Hi M: Thanks for your candor and kindness. I too agree with your assessment, though I will confess that part f my distractedness (you’re a great body language reader) was imagining us in an intimate situation. You’re stunningly attractive. Stay Well.

Normally I don’t reply to a follow-up text but in this case I did and we have agreed to stay in touch and he subsequently offered help with my job search as he is a sales coach. He is kind and generous but there were things about him I couldn’t put my finger on and I decided to listen to my gut for once.

Ultimately, Tim is the reason I began to debate with myself if sobriety is an actual deal breaker for me or no? I don’t have the answer to that except I wouldn’t eliminate someone based on sobriety as I had done in the past.

A close friend debated this angle with me for some time as her close experience with sobriety is that people who go through the program become much more selfless and are concerned more about the care of others than they are for themselves. A man who worked the program successfully would be a kind, caring and attentive partner. This friend also knew Tim though work channels and thought he was a really nice guy.

Which brought up a whole host of other questions from her as well as other friends: why can’t a nice man be enough for me?

Well, that’s the question of the century now isn’t it?

Just as a side note: in my reading I came across this article n the NYT. I thought its funny how people equate the drinking to being fun and the activities offered at some bars that might give you the high of a buzz without the alcohol. While all of this sounds fun, it totally misses the point of MY reflection on sobriety. Of course I can do all these things without alcohol and have a shit ton of fun, and really hope anyone I am with can do the same without alcohol. It feels like two totally separate things to me – going out to socialize with alcohol and sometimes what that brings, and going out to socialize if you didn’t have alcohol. I don’t feel the need to replace the buzz of alcohol with high intensity activities at a bar when I am out – I would happily participate because they are fun activities and I would get a rush from the fun. For me it simply goes back to “are you fun or not?” If you are, you can get a high from fun without drugs and alcohol, but it doesn’t mean you don’t ALSO (perhaps) want the high from substances.

I read the article and fund it interesting.