Slow Down and Reflect

A couple weeks back, I had 3 men on the hook that I had “met” before.

As it turned out, and sort of as I expected, I had never met Man #2, Glenn, and he finally realized it.  He was getting stranger and stranger the longer we communicated and I was trying to slow him down.  I was into meeting him but he pushed so hard that I eventually lost interest.  He was calling constantly, always on face time, and texting even more.  I told him on Saturday morning that I felt more comfortable cancelling our plans as I didn’t feel we were in the same space.  He said “fine” deleted me from Tinder and I never heard from him again.

That was fine, I cleaned my garage!

Man #3, Tony, was able to somehow make little butterflies start up in my tummy.  What is it that makes that immediate connection?  We spoke, text and agreed to meet.  I finally met him on Tuesday, midday for coffee, and was attracted instantly.  He was about 5’11”, all gray and had a rugged appeal.  His voice is awesome and he is super interesting.  When we left the coffee shop, I couldn’t get a read on him….I leaned in for a kiss and he gave me a fantastic tight hug and a soft kiss on the lips.

I text Tony later that day to say “thank you” and he replied that he also enjoyed meeting me.

And that was it….until I text him a good morning on Thursday. He replied that he was super busy and would call me later – which he did – but we didn’t connect until Friday at some point. He told me his weekend plans and then I didn’t hear from him again until Sunday night when I text him first again.

I was already beginning to feel frustration at his communication style. But when I spoke to him there was no reason for me to believe anything other than he was busy doing whatever he was doing and he didn’t particularly like text. He text and called on Monday and asked to see me Thursday and communication was quite light other than making definitive plans.

I am struggling with Tony for no really good reason according to my friends. I have a hyper drive communication style that Bennett fulfilled for almost two years and it’s really hard to adjust to so much less from Tony, even before our first date. Or am I just making excuses that Tony isn’t Bennett? I know I am still mourning, but it’s time to move forward.

There is one other man in my queue, Andrew. We made lunch plans for Tuesday this past week – he asked me – and then he never checked in with me to confirm the date. I didn’t hear from him again until yesterday and he apologized that I thought the plans were firm when he thought they were tentative. Hmmmm….I looked back at the text and don’t agree there should have been any confusion. Either way he asked me out again so we shall see.

I am not happy. So little makes me smile these days. I am stressed over work and the impending loss of my role and the fact I have two college tuitions to pay in August. I am scared to death. Everyone says don’t worry because I have landed on my feet before, but I don’t ever recall being so physically scared of my future. There are more days I want to shut it all down than I want to open my eyes. I have never thought I’m better off dead until now. I have no intention of hurting myself – but it doesn’t prevent the feeling of utter and total failure.

It’s hard to keep waking up every day and putting on foot in front of another to be strong. Strong for my. Children, my team, my friends. Strong enough to get through this. I’m just tired. I know all the things I should be doing and I even know how to do them because I have overcome adversity and struggle before. This time I can’t seem to get there.

Losing a Job

I guess I never posted about Bennett losing his job in early February – so this post is well out of sequence but shows how my head and heart started to truly grasp the truth of my dead-end situation with Bennett

Feb 2018

I went through it two years ago this May. And it sucks. It’s not anything I would ever wish on anyone.

But I learned something about myself in May 2016. I was way stronger and more resilient that I have myself credit for.

I was reminded of my own strength when Bennett was unable to make the break from his family. As I listened to his “reasons” (I was tempted to call them excuses, but they were not. He had reasons for staying and excuses for not leaving if that makes any sense). I recall listening to him telling me “things were different in his situation” and I remember thinking to myself: he just doesn’t have the courage.

I learned a lot about both Bennett and myself during that time. I learned I loved him more unconditionally than I thought possible. And I learned that he would never leave, not for me, not for anyone or any reason. Some where in there I just learned it was never going to be possible for him and I learned acceptance.

Things have been neither here nor there with Bennett. I’ve been overwhelmed at work and I’m struggling. He’s been worried about work and his daughter and was distracted. We spoke but there has been distance. Not in a bad way. Just distance. Probably good for both of us. He doesn’t do well with stress or pressure. And I’ve learned that he can’t handle it very well, so I don’t create it.

Bennett lost his job early this week. In the moment he called me, I knew in my heart of heart this poor man wasn’t going to cope with what he was about to face.

I’ve been right. I’m fearful he will go off the deep end.

Bennett has had the same job for 26 years. First job out of college. Was married, had a family, both parents died during his tenure there, bought a house etc. His entire life was marked by this one job. He loved many of the roles he held there and actually was a pop culture influencer in the 90s which is super cool. But his last position has been tenuous since I met him 19 months ago.

If I ever had any questions about why Bennett couldn’t leave his family, they have all been answered this week. He is immobilized with fear. Self-loathing. Absolute embarrassment. Humidified. Horrified. Entirely unable to think or function. Complete and utter Despair.

I feel terrible for him. But watching the worst manifest – and I’ve seen all this before as it related to me, I just couldn’t “see” it because I was in it – seeing this puts everything in perspective.

Bennett met me in a period of sincere depression. Maybe even an almost manic period. I became a light at the end of a long dark tunnel he had been in for some time.

Every Little Bit Counts

So I realize my post about missing Bennett the other day sounds like I am consistently wallowing.

I really am not.

But the feelings at the time of the post are accurate. When the wave of longing for him hits – it hits hard and with a force that nearly propels me to reach out.

I have not learned how to control that force. I wish I knew what got me through the weekend without reaching out. But, somehow I did and I felt a bit of pride in doing so.

I admit that the longer it gets, the harder time I have not reaching out.

I met someone on line that I connected with quite easily. We had easy banter and fun conversation, though maybe a little on the dull side. I could talk to him for a while, until I was talking to myself more than not. He was interested, but he wasn’t engaged. But, because we hit it off, I agreed to a date.

At some point just before the date he asked a relatively probing sexual question. I can recall when I gave up those detail easily and without care, now I know that type of conversation just needs to wait. Whatever we were talking about or however I replied, made him begin to anticipate that I was a sexual creature. That’s fine – I am – and that’s part of my allure. But suddenly the man who had little to contribute to conversation was engaged in asking all sorts of questions.

Up went my red flag, though I didn’t realize it until post conversation. At the time, I felt the shift, said quite clearly I didn’t want to engage in any sexual discussion until after we met and connected and left it at that.

I realize now that one of the things I like best when I connect with a man is the mutual sharing of ideas and information. A mutual interest in the others life, no matter how mundane. Dan (so this is my second Dan!) didn’t seem all that inquisitive about my life, other than what I willingly shared, until he began to think about sexy Madeline.

As the evening approached, I began to feel trepidation. And confusion. Was I being silly about how I was interpreting him? Was I being too calculated and precious? I didn’t know but wanted to go to dinner with an open mind.

He chose a lovely restaurant in the city – we had planned on drinks, then dinner should it all work out and we moved easily from one to the other. He had many stories to share, but I found some of his stories hard to follow – I needed to ask a lot of questions for clarification (which, in turn, makes me feel stupid) and I wasn’t exactly sure why he was laughing at times. He is quite brilliant and very educated and I wondered if I was missing a cue along the way? He didn’t seem fussed and answered all my questions and continued on with his stories. Dan is very different from anyone else I have met and I enjoyed the difference at first but then felt more of a chasm in person.

We enjoyed our dinner and wine, but there were several lulls (as there were on the phone I now recalled) and soon it was time to go. He had kissed me a few times during dinner and it was very nice. However, he kept running his hand all the way up my leg which irked me. Hand on the knee, fine, but stop there unless you ask. I had to ask him more than twice to pull his hand down.

We walked outside and leaned against a building to kiss more. When he started to grind against me outside of a Michelin star restaurant I had had enough of this horny dog. I called my Uber. He asked to see me again the following evening and I said I would see.

I left him baffled and untethered and couldn’t determine exactly why – which isn’t like me.

Then I got in the uber and burst out into floods and floods of tears.

I called my friend because I was so worried I would reach out to Bennett. I was soooo close.

While B is normally tough on me, she was very sympathetic to my current state and felt I was finally reaching the reality that Bennett and I were really over for good. That hit home and perhaps that is true.

I cried pretty hard for some time – really feeling the depth of missing him – and the absence of a true connection with Dan. The realization that I was trying too hard to make the connection to Dan work – I felt I needed to make it work for some reason. I knew he liked me and was attracted to me, but I ultimately felt like a piece of cattle. I find it almost crazy that I say that when I love PDA and all kinds of crazy sexual exploits, but only when I am on the same wavelength. Would I have considered his actions as unseemly if I was really into him?

He asked to see me again the next morning and I declined. I felt that he was explicitly looking to come to my home. He then asked for a night next week that I was home without kids and I said that I am rarely alone during a week anymore, it could be available after work. His reply was “we will see what works.” He just sold his apartment and is living with his family while they sell the family apartment. I worried that it was a ploy for a married man, but he was happy to give me his Facebook and last name etc, so I can see he is not lying. He’s just in an intermediary situation that ins’t ideal. Which is fine, but he seemed put off by having another dinner date.

I don’t know if I see him again or not. I just know that too much of missing Bennett is interfering in how I feel. I thought I had moved further past it, but it seems I haven’t. Maybe because I liked Dan “enough” but not enough to push me forward. I don’t know. I suppose I am rambling now…..

The Force is Strong With This One

Today at a holiday gathering, I had my tarot cards read. This woman is for real. She’s predicted many things in many of our lives. But like any other reading, you have to be open to the interpretations.

When she did my coworker, she looked at her and said “you’re worried about a loss in your family, someone close. Your sister. She’s getting divorced and she doesn’t have to. You should speak to her.”


Dead on. And this coworker had told no one about her sister. She and her family are very upset about the divorce.

Of course, not all things are this specific. But, left to interpretation some could be right on.

Mine was all work, except for one line where she said “you are going to have sex this week. Great sex.” I’m seeing Bennett Thursday so that’s probably true. She knows nothing of my love life other than what she’s read for me. She also said my beat match was a Leo, which is Bennett’s sign. My readings have been consistent for the year (this is the third). I am fighting a battle I will win and I will be very successful. This has been a constant across 3 different psychics. I suppose if I have any vibe, they all pick up on my desire to succeed at work.

I asked her to do a quickie for me at the end, just for romance as there was nothing much in the main reading. The short story is that while she thinks he’s already in my life, there will be 8 days, 8 weeks or 8 months before the truth of the relationship is known.

Every reading for me is filled with positive outlooks. Every time. She commented on how consistent my readings are and said it’s often unusual to have so much consistency. She said I have a very strong force and I’m guiding the cards, even though I am not aware of it.

While I never put too much weight or thought into any reading, I am always curious. The last psychic predicted my job almost exactly. This one told me Bennett was married and conflicted without knowing anything about me.

It’s a fun thing to do and she’s written two books about her craft and has a popularity in her own right. In my case she’s a business partner for a day job! One of my favorite ones, no less. Good people through and through.

I’ve been hard at work 8-8 each day and hoping I can leave a normal time tomorrow before I lose all the life force I have in me. I have two grueling days ahead on a project that can’t be solved and it’s becoming more and more painful each day. Projects like this hi light team and Individuals weaknesses, including my own. Not an easy way for anyone to work. Hopefully we will be done with this project by next week

Date Night Every Night

I had a plan for every night this week and it exhausted me!

Fun, but I realize this speed isn’t for me anymore.

Monday night I met Scott. Scott works for a company based close to my hometown, but lives in Dallas. Divorced, older children in college, handsome, very tall and quite sweet. He travels at least once a month to his home office. We must have matched on a previous trip here, and then it just so happened when we connected he was back for an entire week, just 15 minutes from my home.

We spent some time texting then moved to a phone conversation. While his long distance home wasn’t ideal, his daughter was graduating high school next year and he was looking to transfer to the home office late next year. I figured, why not? He seemingly had a lot of great qualities and we gelled easily on the phone.

He was super easy on the eyes in person too. We met late Monday night and had a great time for several hours, closing down the bar around 11pm. A lovely kiss goodnight by the side of the car and an agreement to meet again at least once before he left.

Tuesday rolled around and while I had made plans the previous week with Clell, I hadn’t heard from him since the Thursday before when we made the plans. I did ask him to text me over the weekend so we could get to know one another a little more, before the first date, but he didn’t. I was surprised around lunchtime when he text to confirm the date – and I told him so. I had worn boring clothes and no makeup to work, hardly my best presentation. He was quite keen to meet so I eventually succumbed. I had to work late and a dinner wouldn’t be horrible before heading home.

Clell was handsome in his own way, he desperately needed a haircut, but was well dressed and had sweet Southern charm. He was obviously surprised by me in person and eventually told me so: much more beautiful than any of your photos. I tried, very hard, to connect with Clell. I asked questions about work, food, family, hobbies, college. Nothing I said could get him going enough to really engage. I found myself talking way too much to fill the space. I eventually became somewhat uncomfortable because I had committed to dinner. We made it through some shared apps and chose to end it there. The weather was terrible outside so he didn’t offer to walk me back to my office, which was fine. He did lean in for a kiss and I politely kissed his check but he pulled me in for more and I had to be more obvious by turning my cheek. He told me he looked forward to seeing me again soon and jumped out to haul a cab.

Generally I will text a thank you and a decline if that’s how the date goes, but while I was on my car ride home I heard from Dave – who I met and dated briefly back in April. I liked Dave quite a bit, but he was the first sincere experience I had with “breadcrumbing” and I never knew why he disappeared. It didn’t matter much as I wasn’t out of relationship with Bennett.

Dave was back on Bumble and we matched and I had said “hi! Hope you’re well!” And he reached out to my in reply via text. His name didn’t come up as I had deleted the contact but he said it was him. We text back and forth a bit and after about 15 minutes or so, I said “well, lovely catching up, would love to get together so let me know your availability if your interested!” And I signed off. He sent a few more text but I didn’t read them, then.

Wednesday comes and I am due to have a date with Greg, the supposed Dom. After we stopped talking he reached out with a much better disposition and we started to get to know one another. He still had plenty of red flags, but I didn’t see any harm in meeting him.  Turns out he twisted his knee and had to head to his orthopedic so we didn’t meet Tuesday and planned for Saturday instead.  I ended up working until almost 10pm on a project that may just kill me.

Thursday I met Bennett for dinner to finish the talk we started last week.  We had a lovely time and we were both much more relaxed than usual.  We seem to have fallen into an easier cadence, but knowing me and how jealous I often get, I can’t imagine this lasts long.

Friday morning Dave reached back out to me and asked my plans, but didn’t solicit a date.  So after a few more text I once again stated “If you are interested…” and his reply was “I am definitely interested!” but with no indication of when or where we would ever meet.  He’s still dropping his breadcrumbs so I quickly lost interest.  Had he tried even a tiny bit more I may have given him another shot – he was an amazing kisser!

Scott also reached out so I agreed to meet him a bit later in the evening.  He originally wanted to come into my city, but that fell apart, which was fine as I was so tired at this point.  We met at a local pub and had some drinks, and then he drove me home.  The vibe between us wasn’t quite the same as Monday night and I can’t really say why, except my guess is I was a bit overwhelming for him.  He had asked quite a bit about my roles and responsibilities at work and made a comment that he had no interest in so much responsibility.    It’s the only thing I can really put my finger on.  I invited him in for a nightcap, and he came in and wanted to see the house, so I gave him the short tour, we sat on the couch and kissed and the chemistry – which seemed pretty good on Monday, – was all but gone.  Honestly, I was probably too tired to see him and not invested enough on this date to turn it around.  I let him go quickly and said goodnight and just realized I forgot to follow up with a “Thank you.”  I haven’t heard from him.

Saturday was a snow storm so I didn’t end up meeting Greg, but had a lovely day with my boys decorating the house and tree.

Bennett was on a boys weekend down in Florida, but checked in often and I noticed some of his usual sweet nothings making their way back into his conversation, which is nice.  I also noticed that it irritates me I would never have that time with him, a vacation, or days together and I kept my chatter to a minimum to avoid thinking about it any further.  If I stay here with him in whatever this relationship is, I am going to have to put up and shut up.  And part of that is learning to quiet my own mind.

And, every once in a while, Dan (who was R in the previous blog) pops back in with some sexy talk and trying to convince me to see him.  He’s another one who wants the woman to chase him.    I would love to see him, we always have fun, but I’m not chasing.  He did send one very hot photo though – yum.

I assume that Dave and Scott are out of the picture for good, which is fine.  Greg and I will continue to try and meet – he did ask if he could exchange a Christmas present with me but I suggested we meet first, and going into holiday season I have no idea when that could be.  And, Dan, I haven’t heard from him since the one quick text session, as expected.

For now I have stopped looking at Tinder and Bumble as the next few weeks are filled with family and friends.  If Greg and I meet, I am sure he can fill up any additional time and I am sure to see Bennett after some of the parties.  All in all, my head is in a better space, but I also think it’s because I am anxious at work lately – maybe I can only process so much at one time?  Normally work doesn’t make me this anxious, but my boss is especially tough at the moment and I am learning how to navigate this landscape.


To Date or Not to Date a Dom?

The dating sites can produce a bunch of great matches in a moment, or none at all for days at a time. In the past, the slow times would often lead me to making bad choices just to avoid being alone.

This time of year things also slow down. People spend more time with friends and families and leave less time for starting relationships. I was a little fearful of being alone for the holidays at first, but after living through Bobby And Bennett both being married and not part of my holiday season, I learned I am just fine on my own. Not perfectly happy, I would prefer a partner to dote over and snuggle and cuddle with, but just fine. For the first time since 2013, I’m not worried about what the holidays hold for me. I have my family and friends and it will just as happy (or sad) as any other year.

So while I’ve been making matches and starting conversations, not much has taken flight for one reason or the other. Oddly enough, it feels ok for the first time. I don’t feel a desperate pull to date or have sex. I don’t engage when I’m not interested and I pull back when things go a little wonky.  I can’t say it’s perfect, but it’s better than it used to be.


So, here’s an example of how I’m getting better, or not, depending how you view it.

Out of the blue a week ago I received a text from an unknown number. After establishing who he was and where we had connected, I still needed a photo. Even then, no bells were ringing for me.

He claimed we met on POF over a month ago and that he had a family death and had come off the site for some time. He had been wanting to reach out and finally did.

I didn’t know what to think, honestly.

He gave me his details, he checked out for who he said he was and we started chatting. He quickly called and we spent quite some time on the phone that evening. I had just started to come down with a terrible cold and knew I would be staying in the weekend so it was nice to have someone to chat with. We hit it off quickly.

Greg has a great job, is 6’2″, handsome and articulate. He is also single with no kids. His longest relationship was 2.5 years. That was my first red flag.

It’s hard to eliminate someone based on no marriage and no kids. Shit happens in life. But not to have longstanding relationship? That does worry me.

He claims it was due to his moving so frequently early in his career for promotion. Could be, right? I don’t know, just seems off to me.

Anyway, we decided we should meet the next day if I was feeling better.

But, I didn’t.  I called him to tell him I was still sick and would need to cancel.  He asked again for the next day but I declined knowing I was starting to feel pretty sick.  He understood and we kept in contact.  He would be on vacation the following week for the holiday, but I had to work the early part of the week, and then I had a friend staying with me for several days.  I suggested we would have to wait for a week to meet, until after my friend left.

Not only did he push me a few times saying I wasn’t able to meet because my friend was in town, he then dropped a small bomb on me that he was a Dom.   In the past, this might have excited me, but in this case it started to irritate me.

I explained that I made plans with my friend and I was not about to leave her to meet him for the first time (nicely) and that I wasn’t sure to what extent, if any, I was interested in a D/s relationship.  I said I was open to discussion when we met.

But then he started in with the “rules” and his expectations.  I was truly sick and not interested in playing games and told him so.  For him, perhaps, this was no game, but I was clear that my mind was on my healing and getting through the holiday more than it was on satisfying a Dom that I hadn’t met.  He made a few requests which I quickly said “No” to and, again, made myself clear that there would be no D/s anything until we met and I had an opportunity to better evaluate if this was something I wanted.

At this point, maybe this was last Tuesday, he asked me if there was something he could do for me that would please me.  I said “sure, it would be great to get a Good Morning text each day.”  His answer was something like “extra spankings for the way you worded it.”   I wasn’t in the mood at that point.   Nor did I care much.

I didn’t answer his text or calls for the next two days while I let it sit.

Nor did I get any “Good Morning” text from him.  So much for giving me something that would make me happy.

I finally text him Friday to say I didn’t think it was a good idea to meet, I wasn’t feeling comfortable with the D/s situation and preferred not to pursue.  He said “ok, I understand, thank you.”

Until Sunday, when he text again…..





Swipe Left, Left, Left, Right

The dating thing is really frustrating.

But, luckily, my head is in a different place this time around.  I don’t know for sure when I grew up (or grew out of things) but I know I have changed.

Meeting Bobby gave me the freedom of exploration and the exhilaration of doing something new and wild.  It was fun while it lasted and I have no regrets for anything I experienced.

Meeting Bennett proved to me I am ready to settle down.  That last crazy date was the nail in the coffin I needed.  I had fun for a few minutes and then I wanted to escape.

Gone are the desires for a sex club, a threesome or any other sort of non-traditional sexual play.  I want one fabulous partner with whom I can have fun with as well as just cozy up next to on the couch and veg if needed.  I am not totally certain I am saying “No, never again” but I am feeling the pull of my age and the need to just put it behind me.  It’s not because I feel old, it just feels like something I have now grown out of.

I also learned, through numerous conversations on line and on the phone, a better reason why the blue collar men don’t work for me – they don’t think I have enough time to devote to them with 3 children and a career.  Several men have now commented that they have a lot of free time on their hands and want their partners to have the same amount of time available.  That won’t happen for me for some time, if ever.  I feel like I have plenty of time since divorce, but that’s comparing life of a full-time mother of 3 small children to the 70% custodial parent of 3 teenage children who have become mobile.  I guess on the outside it appears like more than it is to someone who doesn’t really understand the ages or custody arrangements.

I have also discovered, while I don’t immediately vet a childless man, that it’s the same type of thought process regarding time.  They have a lot of time on their hands and only worry about themselves as compared to a parent who feels like they are continually on call and available to their children.  One man even said “I don’t care about your kids right now as I get to know you, this is about you and I.”  While that statement is true, it also felt unrealistic to me in a sense.  My kids are part of me, I like to talk about them, and I am always thinking of them.  They pop in and out of conversations.  Am I supposed to exclude that while I speak to you?  One guy actually rolled his eyes when I told a funny kid story.  To me it was comparable to him talking about the 50th marathon he ran, I suppose.  In any case, it seems like it’s much harder to find a middle ground that includes me as a woman and me as a momma.  I don’t intentionally separate those things, it happens based on circumstance, but I don’t know if I could consciously eliminate speaking about my kids while getting to know someone.

Either way, I am speaking to enough people pre-date to know that my decisions are more sound than they have been in the past.  I set my criteria based on what my gut has taught me that I often ignored early on.  I used to rush into dates just to keep busy but since I am still a bit depressed, it’s easier to take things more slowly and think about if the man has real long term relationship potential.

There have been a few men that I have connected with and was even a little excited about, but for their own reasons unbeknownst to me, they have disappeared.  Everyone is playing the same games in the big city and people are a dime a dozen.  It certainly takes patience and fortitude to get through the dating scene.

I have even been asked at least 3 times to hop on a plane: Florida, Dubai and London.  Believe me, I was tempted each time, but there was no hesitation to say “let’s meet at home for coffee or a drink,” first.  One man even got mad at me for not wanting to try and stating that my previous failures are clouding my future judgement.  Yes, he’s right there’s a whole lot of failure helping me to make better decisions, clearly!  Maybe one of these days I will even get it right.

At the moment, there are two men on deck.  They can come and go as quickly as I write this post.  I also know we are running into dating slow season, which is also ok.

I would love to be able to really find a dating partner that I can enjoy the holiday season with, but if I don’t, I’ve lived through it before and will live through it again.


Date 10: When It All Goes South

I was super excited about Tommy.

That should have been the red flag from the start: dating requires you to proceed with caution, and if I get giddy, chances are it means “Danger, Will Robinson!”

Tommy looked like a great match and had a lovely profile.  I wrote first, which I normally don’t do, but he replied immediately.  Conversation started easily enough and then stalled for a few days.  But, he came back.  I never asked why and we just started up again.

He asked me out quickly and we had fun making plans together.  He knew some of the best little hideaways in the city and had some great suggestions.

I was excited because we had the fun, easy banter that sort of goes sexual, but never turns dirty, just enough to make you a tiny bit tingly.  Plus, he said he was excited, which is, in itself, so much fun to hear.

He arrived to the bar before I did and I was a little disappointed with his looks.  Hard to explain, but he looks like his photos and then not.  He was 6′ tall, but appeared smaller.  He was rock solid and cut, a beautiful physique.  Super smart and savvy too.  He was born and bred in this city so most natives tend to have a bit different world view than the rest of us, again, can’t really explain unless you live here and experience it.  He was from a particular area I tend to avoid matching with because of its heavy accent, but he didn’t have it (always found that weird too because some people have that accent so strongly it’s annoying to listen to and others from the same city don’t).

The thing about city boys is attitude, and many of them have it, it’s just the way it is in this city.  When I was young it really attracted me to them, the bad boys.  As I have grown older, some of the qualities make me want to run and hide.  Of course, everyone is different and it takes time to know someone….but my experience has been very consistent.   Stereo-types exist for a reason.  I use some of them for my dating criteria as I mentioned in a previous post, but I try not to allow them to fog my view upon meeting a person.

Sadly, once again, the stereo-type was right.

We had fun at the first bar, but he kept pushing me to tell him what I thought about him because he knew height was important to me.  I guess I didn’t respond with enough confidence and he got around to insisting he was taller then me even in my heels.  Then he made us both stand up in the small bar, go back to back, and loudly asked the room to determine who was taller.

I was.

He still insisted it wasn’t possible unless my heels were 5″ and not 4″

The next few cocktails went down to fast.  I knew this was time to stop, but I was almost weirdly curious about when we were going to hit a wall.   I can’t even recall all the red flags that came up in his conversation.  I know one of them was that he had no male friends and only female friends.  Another was his anger over losing his friends on 9/11 and wanting to kill and entire nationality and how he overcame that in the form of tripping on E at a U2 concert (Thank goodness for Bono’s wide words?!)  Another was how he kept telling me how sexy I was, how much more beautiful in person I was and how he hand’t had sex in a very long time.

We finally kissed.  He was a perfect kissing partner, and I also knew the chances of that were quite high.  His hand went right to the back of my head and he laced his fingers through my hair as he pulled me hard forward.  I honestly couldn’t stop kissing him.  He was luscious and his back, arms and shoulders rippled with every move.

I could feel the alcohol coursing through my veins.  I don’t often drink cocktails and they work on me much more quickly than my oft selected Prosecco.

We chose to leave the first bar and head to another where his friend was a bartender.  Before that, though, I stopped in the bathroom.  It was a single bathroom so I entered and locked door and did my business.  When I opened the door to exit, Tommy was right there and pushed me back in.  “Don’t you want to see what you’re getting?” he said as he started to unzip his pants.  I pushed him away and said “No, thanks, that’s just gross” and left.

I should have left him then.  My mistake.

We hopped in a taxi and made our way to the second bar.  We made out like mad in the back seat and I eventually realized he had unzipped his pants and was masturbating.

There wasn’t much to masturbate, so if I wasn’t convinced before, this size queen had her ultimate decision handed to her (yes, pun intended!)

This is my own fault.  I was hungry, I wanted to eat and I was a bit tipsy.

The second bar was even more cool than the first.  We met his girl friend the bartender and ordered another drink.  He left me his credit card and walked away to the bathroom.  He was gone a while before I looked over my shoulder and realized he had met someone (I don’t think he knew them) and stopped to speak to them.

Then he came back and said he was going outside for a cigarette! WTF?  Smoking is a deal-breaker.

I ordered food on my own and sat a the bar.

Then I text Bennett.  Things just get worse from here on out.

Bored, alone and drunk on a first date, we got into a heated text exchange.  Tommy came back from the cigarette and continued to speak to this couple.  He leaned over to say it was a really important business contact .

For a half hour.

I ate and text Bennett some more.  I also continued to drink.

He brought the couple over to me who said I was lucky to have such a wonderful “boyfriend” (he had previously introduced me as his girlfriend) and they wished us the best of luck, and could tell how much he adored me (again, WTF?)

His bartender friend mentioned to him there was another business associate she wanted him to meet, and he left me again.

I finished eating and stopped texting Bennett.

Finally, Tommy came back and I made mention that it wasn’t, perhaps, cool that he left me twice for so ling.  His answer was “I was doing a big deal, this could be good for US!”

Ok, official creep factor has kicked in.  US?!!

Then my phone started ringing over and over and over.  It was Bennett – worried or angry I hadn’t replied.  Tommy sees this and goes utterly ballistic that I have an x who is a psycho stalker and he wasn’t getting involved with that type of drama.

I got my coat, put it and and told him I was leaving, all while he was literally throwing a fit about my phone ringing while I was on a date.

I couldn’t escape fast enough.

While in the car home, my phone started to chime with text, one after the other.  His text read “Calling a girl 50 times in a row (he called 3) is not cool while on a date.  That dude is cray cray.  Wouldn’t you freak out if I had a girl call me that many times in a row? I don’t judge you.  It’s not your fault your so goddamn sexy.”

Block.  Delete.  Move on.





Date 9: Fun Night with a Great Man

Jamie and I hit it off quickly on line and moved to text.  He was British, worked in banking, 5’11” and well traveled and pleasant to look at.

Very fit and healthy, into yoga, but loved his wine, we had easy banter and conversation.  He asked me out quite quickly and I agreed.

We set our date and time.

Some point during the weekend before our date he was asking m some questions and seemed to love my answers.  I knew this because his language was becoming sweeter and more complimentary and he started sending little emojis.  We really had a lovely conversation, it never turned sexual and he was in relatively constant contact.

The night for the date was coming and I could tell he was a bit more excited than me, but, I was still looking forward to it.  He asked me to choose anyplace I wanted for dinner and we agreed to a traditional steakhouse, which is always fun in a big city.

I knew the moment I saw him that I wasn’t physically attracted to him.  He just wasn’t my type.  But he had a sweet mannerism to him and an easy smile and I knew our conversation would be fine.

Dinner lasted about 4 hours, we laughed and joked and he eventually leaned in for a kiss, which was quite nice.  My hand was on his shoulder and it was rock hard.  He was a little more blown away by the kiss than I was, but I could see he was smitten.

We finished dinner and decided to stay and drink, it turned into quite a late evening with some more kissing towards the end.  But, I just didn’t feel it.

We parted saying we would make plans.

He texted goodnight and again good morning and asked if he could see me on the weekend.  He told me I drove him wild.

I had been thinking about why I didn’t feel any more attraction to Jamie – I couldn’t come up with any concrete reason.  I thought about agreeing to seeing him the weekend and see how that went, but I also sort of knew how I felt about him wouldn’t change.  There was no chemistry for me, but it was obvious chemistry for him.

U ultimately decided I would man-up and tell him the truth, I just didn’t feel the same, and didn’t want to lead him further forward.  I realized that he reminded me so much of the situation with Finnian….I sort of liked him, could see laughing and having fun with him, but no real outcome to the relationship.

We parted via text on a friendly note and I moved on to the next.


It’s All About Control, Isn’t It?

I’ve been crying and reading, reading and crying.

Writing a little too.

What if it is all about control for me? What if my x was right about me all along? It’s certainly a comment I have heard my entire life. I’m controlling. I like to be in control. I’m demanding.

Thinking I am less powerful than the. Men in my life, have I sought to control them to ultimately get what I wanted…and then failed in any case because you can’t control another?

Have the men in my life always betrayed me? Can I trust men? Have I allowed these men to be more powerful than me?

Right now I am putting out terrible energy. Desperation and negativity. I would like to take control of myself, at least, but these emotions seems uncontrollable to me.

I allowed myself to trust Bennett. I believed in Bennett and his lies until he no longer believed his own lies. When he loved me I didn’t spend my days in worry, doubt and despair – though there was too much of that and too often. Why can’t I realize there should be NONE of that. Why am I accepting of inconsistency in y relationships?

I allowed myself to be humiliated with begging and pleading when he made his decision. Maybe I thought it was just another “break up” like every other discussion before it.  I must have convinced myself this was simply another argument because I didn’t see that final break happen – they all felt the same to me since the first one.