Remember to Write

I really haven’t had the time to sit and write the way I used to.  It’s not just the time, but the inclination.  So far, on this blog, I have only written as a diary and real life situations, but I also like to write fiction.

I’m not a very good writer, my fiction was never really intended for public consumption, but for the man I was writing it for.  I have been lucky to meet several men in the past 2.5 years that enjoy my writing and my stories.

As I have been struggling to determine how to make it through another 5 days of holiday apart from Bennett with lots of negative emotion swirling, I had been wracking my brain to think what I could do to turn away all this negativity and it occurred to me I could write.

I would write for him.  He loves a sexy story, and I could write us into some kind of sexy adventure, much as I had done in the past.  I had started this for him right before I started my new job, but, once I started that job, I couldn’t focus on any personal writing.  What little I did write was sheerly personal here on the blog, to clear my head.

I refuse to fall into any kind of depression over Bennett and our inevitable conclusion, I won’t live through a repeat of last year when I knowingly and purposefully chose this path.  Those words sound so strong but my emotional constitution is laughing at me and saying”let’s see who wins this round!”

Well, then, game on.  I am going to put myself into a positive place.  One where I remember what it means when you first mean someone and feel that pull of limerence that feels so much like falling head over heels in love.  What it was like when I saw it directed at me for the first time in such force and clarity.

I’m going to write a sexy story for him.  For me.  Just to write about anything that makes me feel good that’s not grounded in reality.

January is around the corner, which means, if I’m true to myself, so is this last chapter of my life.  I am really ok with that because I chose it.  Somehow I am going to keep reminding myself that I make conscious choices every day and one of those should be self-care.  I love to write, so write I will.

Now, I realize many of you don’t like fiction…so I won’t be offended if you don’t read because I’m doing it for myself.  But if you do read, I hope you enjoy my dreams and fantasies.

300 Readers and a Little White Lie

I am always surprised when I look at the number of readers that follow my blog.

I just realized I am over 300 readers, which is already more than half of the number of readers I left behind at the old blog after 2 years…and somehow, I have 300 readers in 9 months here.

I am glad you are here with me, sharing my unique journey.

This year – as much as it could have been an awful year – has truly turned out to be one of the best years of my life.  I take all the sadness and misery along with my happiness and joy…I take all of it because it makes me uniquely me.

I feel blessed and grateful for my life – truly not something I have felt in the past.

Oh, and I can share one little (or big, call it what you will) lie that I have been telling way too long….and I can give you a hundred or more reasons why I lied about it, but it doesn’t matter, I have finally chosen to accept it along with all my other bruises and worts…..I turned 49 years old this past September (not 47) and that means next year is the banner year of 50.

I just figured, why was I going into an amazing year of my life telling a silly lie about my age?  My mother did it til the day she died and somehow I adopted the practice.  Bennett was the first person I was finally honest with about my age in more years than I can recall.

My friends all laughed when I told them and couldn’t believe I had kept the lie up for so long.  I even said my age in front of my children, eventually they will put two-and-two together as well.

Anyway, thanks for always reading, commenting and inspiring me to think harder and more thoughtfully.

It’s been a wonderful journey for the first half.

 

Blog Reading

Have you ever had visitors to your blog that you really just wonder who they are?

Like the reader who must read you every single day, but never comments? (why is that? I really want to know you and engage with you!)

Or the reader who finds your blog and reads from the very beginning to end (god bless for those of us with lots of history).  I do this too…but I always like posts and comment when I find a new blog that engages me.  If I take the time to read back and not just pick up at current, I am really interested in your story and I like to let you know.

Readers from far off places, where you wonder what they could possibly have in common with you or what kind of perspective they gain from your blog.

Followers who never comment or like a post.  Why follow?

These types of followers all seem typical to me in the WP universe.  But recently I have had some readers from very specific locations that are interesting….because the cities (all of them, every one) are specific to one individual:

Visalia, California

Modesto, California

Stillwater, Oklahoma

Greencastle, Indiana

Fort Collins, Colorado

Maybe I am just imagining there is coincidence, maybe not.  Either way.  I still think it’s weird.

I am fascinated by the location of any of my readers, and who you are and why you read me….like most bloggers, when I started this blog I hardly dreamed of anyone interacting with me, let along following me regularly!  Especially whoever is reading (cover-to-cover) from….

Schiller Park, Illinois

New Baltimore,  Michigan

Nutley, New Jersey

Carmarthen, Carmarthenshire, United Kingdom

 

So, as my blogger friend Gratuitous Rex would say “Coincidence???!!!”

100 Readers, Already?

Wow…I can’t recall how long it took me the first time around to grow 100 readers to my blog!

I know when I shuttered my old blog that I was walking away from that seemingly huge number of followers…but, then I realized – how many of those people do I actually interact with?  And, maybe it was time to add some new friends to my posse!

In addition, I find that my number of views, with significantly less followers, is already about than 1/4 of what I had every day at my old blog.    This means that my readers are loyal, and are truly the ones interacting with me. Numbers are one thing, but knowing you actually have loyal followers is beyond amazing!

I was so self-absorbed at the end of last year into the beginning of this year, I could hardly keep up with my favorite bloggers, let alone comment on their posts.  Now I have found the joy in reading again, commenting, and then hoping to open a dialogue with my new and old friends.  I also know that I lost readers last year the further into my misery I descended…which ultimately helped me to realize it was just time to stop writing about it.

(Don’t let me fool you, I’m still miserable!)

Part of me wonders, will I gain a different type of following?  I haven’t started up the sex stories yet and I know that always attracts (or perhaps also detracts) a certain reading personality.  There will be sexy stories to come.  That’s my favorite bit.

How long before my crazy antics kick in and we get more of the Prosecco Chronicles?!

I don’t know.  This time around I have much less of an intentional place to start.  My marriage is almost at and end (oh-thank-fucking-God!), I am not searching for sex every day (though I would like to be having sex every day, don’t get me wrong!) and I am no longer desperate for love (well, maybe a little).  It’s just me and my every day life, as boring as that may be.

It took me almost a month just to write the “about” page.  I wasn’t sure how I wanted to represent myself.  I am still unsure if I like the new header or tag line.  I had my old one for two years and it seemed suitable for such a long time, under varying circumstances….what will get me through the next two years?

I sort of wonder what attracts readers to my blog?  Why me?

I have fully embraced the journaling/blogging process.  For me this is really one of the best platforms to get the jumble of thoughts out of my head and onto paper in a more articulate fashion.  I like to keep myself honest so I rarely edit what comes out of my head for an audience.  I will give you what’s in my head and heart, good and bad, and often times just not-so-pretty.  I love to have your feedback.  It doesn’t matter if we agree or disagree or have differing world views, as long as we are kind to one another to share our beliefs I am all for it.

Maybe this is just the long way around to say “Thanks for being here with me.  I appreciate you.”

I’m so glad you are on this journey with me.

 

 

 

 

Meeting MaggieMayat50

I love the experience of meeting my favorite bloggers for the first time!

I have been very lucky to find wonderful, supportive, caring and brilliant people through this blogging community and, sure enough, Maggie is no different.

We met while I was on vacation with my children, she kindly drove to meet me for some drinks.  Upon meeting her, she was exactly as I pictured her….isn’t that strange how we can get an image in our head?

I imagined her to be attractive, slim and have a lovely smile.  She was all of those things plus a brilliant mind.

I suppose everyone would think that we spoke about blog-land the whole afternoon but we didn’t, not at all.  It was like two old friends catching up.  And she is so funny…if she doesn’t tell you the Hunter drug test story I’m going to because I was fascinated!

Poor Hunter was worried that I might kidnap the darling Maggie with my wild, provocative and Prosecco-drinking ways!  I did, in fact, drink quite a lot of little bottles of Prosecco (those little bottles get me all the time – they are so darn cute!)

I got to see photos of Taz and the wedding and let me tell you – Taz is gorgeous!  Maggie looked pretty damn fabulous too!

Upon parting, it occurred to me how badly I need local women like Maggie in my circle.  My friends have always tended to be younger and more junior to me in one way or another.  That doesn’t make them any less amazing friends, but I acknowledge that the women I have met through the blog tend to be more mature – even if that doesn’t mean in age.  They have all worked good careers, raised families, traveled and have just tend to be more wise than the friends I have in real life.

I sort of wonder why that is?  Have I surrounded myself with the women I have at home through some unconscious reason?  Or is this just the type of person I attract?

How does one go about making friends in their middle-age?  I work and obviously have friends through work (some of my closest girlfriends have been made at work actually).  The friends I have at home, mommy friends, are all married and tend to want to live a more sedate life than I do.  Sometimes I feel so split in multiple personalities and wonder how to integrate (my multiple personalities) into friendships.  My kids are too old for playdates anymore, and frankly, none of the moms are all that fascinating to me…I have passed the point of local gossip and they still do that even in the high school years.  Although many of the moms are super supportive and just lovely all around people in times of need, I can only count one or two that I can rely on for advice.

I like the idea of having more people in my life who are wiser that I am.  I do not admit to being very wise and mature, ever…though once in a while hope shines through.  This is why I love blogland so much…I have met some seriously wise men and women whom I can now count on as my real-life support system.  Unfortunately, none live in my backyard but with all our technology, no one is further than a text away.

My mom had some serious advice for me when I was about to get married.  I asked her why my bridesmaids just couldn’t get along and play nice with one another in the sandbox.  They kept arguing about what they each thought was best for me and none of them really agreed.  Actually, they were arguing about their individual preferences (remember, they were all around 21-23 years old, babes in the woods) and what they thought I might like was probably quite secondary to their selfish, youthful thoughts.  My mom turned to me and said there is a friend for all seasons and I need to learn to recognize the value that each friend brings into my life.  There were friends I could read with, ride bikes with and party with…but each of those friends may not like to do the other activity, so I should just simply try to read with the reader, ride bikes with the biker and party with the partier and leave it at that.

Best advice I ever had.

For keeping the peace and maintaining my friendships, it is.

In hindsight, it created a very diverse set of friends who don’t know each other or hang out together.  Or, in my case, who may not even live on this side of the world.  Friendships like this are hard to maintain and cultivate because of the distance, but I remain friends with many people who do not live in my daily space because I feel I have a deep connection to them.  I just wish I could find some people who lived in my space that I could share more time with…now that I have so much free time on my hands.

Or, I suppose I could start traveling ever weekend….now, there’s a thought!

 

First

Welcome, friends.

Here it is……my first post.

I thought April 1st seemed as good a day to start as any!

Starting a new blog is a bit like breaking in new shoes, they are not always so comfortable at first, but you are pretty sure you will get used to them in time.

I’m still fooling around with my image and tag line…I’m sure something will speak to me soon.

Am I reinvented, reimagined, reaffirmed, reawakened?  Maybe all of those things.  I want to consider my life an adventure, somehow that seems important to me – a beautiful, wonderful, exciting adventure.  I want my tag line to reflect these possibilities.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written and I actually feel a bit rusty!  I have found that journaling is good for my soul and has become an important part of how I process things.

I wish I had something witty and clever to start with.  Or an adventure or two to share.  But, my life is mostly quiet at the moment which is a reflection of my peace of mind.

Taking a break turned out to be healthy for me.

Once I set my mind to closing the last chapter, I found myself exhausted.  Sure, work stress added to it, but I am pretty sure it was more mind over matter.  I found myself sleeping by 8-9pm each evening, getting up, going to work early, and then coming home to fall asleep early again the next evening.  My children even commented that I seemed exhausted.  I felt this way for almost 2 weeks.  I knew the time to rest had come – my soul was insisting on it and I listened this time.

I spent a lot of time with myself, reflecting on all the changes in my life over the past 5 years.  I was consumed with endings during that time.  When I looked back and truly absorbed what I had been through, I needed to give myself a break.

I also spent time reading for therapy.  Mostly self-help stuff. I also spoke to my therapist quite a bit.  I am determined to clear the cobwebs in order to move myself forward… to a more balanced way of thought and action.

In order to discover who I am meant to be in this next phase of my life, I had to let go of all the things weighing me down.  Letting go clearly isn’t easy for me and I’m sure I’m still not going to be any good at it the next time I have to do it, but I have learned how to be more conscious and aware of my thoughts and behaviors.

With that said, I have no doubt I will still have many moments of immaturity and recklessness.  I sort of like that wild side of me.  She needs to be nurtured the same as the responsible and loving side of me!