Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

What Do Small Hands Really Mean on a Man?

I wasn’t willing to find out.

Bennett and I have stopped all contact for going on 6 weeks or so- more of that in some other post – so I have taken a more serious approach to making sure I get myself out there.

My dating stories are sure not to be as exciting as they were in 2014, I am pretty sure I have outgrown most of the post-divorce antics I participated in. It takes so much more to turn me on now. My sex life went from being the Sahara Desert to a Tropical Oasis in less than a years time. I learned what I liked and what I didn’t and more importantly, I learned what I really wanted.

Part of that learning was understanding my own desires and how they are triggered. While I was, for a short time, triggered by any possibility to be turned on and have sex, I now realize that doesn’t really do it for me (mostly). I am much more interested by the romance and attraction that leads to spectacular sex. I am not capable (most times) of booty calls and not interested in one-nighters. I learned that there is no value in the sex-for-sex-sake for me. I don’t particularly like how I feel mid-way through or the morning after.

I don’t think it eliminates the potential for a date leading to sex. I know I am just that much more aware of the value.

I want him (whoever that is) to desire me. I want to feel his heat and desire, both verbally and physically. And, usually, I want to really know there is more behind the physical- that he really like me for me. The electric chemistry needs to be there.

So, I have made much better dating choices. It sure is slow going, but the dates are better in general. I still make mistakes. I keep trying to step out of my comfort zone – whichever one of them it may be – just to see if there really is opportunity to “try different types.” It hasn’t worked for me yet.

My comfort zone list is long. Blue collar doesn’t work. Short doesn’t work. Lack of worldly travel doesn’t work. Not married, no kids doesn’t work. Young children doesn’t work. Jobs with too much down time usually don’t work. Excessively fit men don’t like me (I’m too big) and men of color/race other than Caucasian do (but they are not my type). Unfortunately for me, somewhere between Dan-Bobby-Bennett I really narrowed down my type so tightly that I haven’t found a good reason to step out of those boundaries. Their type was perfect – except for that one thing – they were married. I consciously stay away from married and currently separated men because my souls is shards of glass from the torture I self-inflicted over the past 4 years.

But, I do persevere with men, regardless of my comfort zone, that can start with a connection in conversation. Bennett wasn’t near “my type” and I still fell for him as hard as humanly possible. Not sure I will ever actually get over him.

I met Doug a few weeks back on Plenty of Fish. We hit it off quickly in our chat. We had a lot of similar interests and were not too far off in our history: married a long time, children old enough to manage themselves, and ambitious. He sounded like he is a good place in his life. He didn’t sound bitter about his divorce. He loved his boys. Everything was check, check, check. He didn’t live close enough to me to be convenient, but we could meet in the city. Many men are fussed about the distance, but he was willing to manage it for the right connection. We spoke a few times and decided to meet a few days later.

The connection over the few days grew and I was really looking forward to meeting him. I arrived at the bar first after a terrible day at work. I quickly downed a Prosecco and settled in. He was running behind.

When he appeared, I was slightly taken aback at his size. He was much bigger than his photos portrayed and he wasn’t the 5’11” he professed to be. He was ok looking, and had a face and body I felt I could get used to, so that wasn’t what put me off.

It was the first glimpse at his hands.

His hands were the absolute smallest hands I have EVER seen on a man. Smaller than a woman’s hands and I would honestly call them petite. Tiny hands. I was so distracted by his hands I couldn’t take my eyes off of them.

At one point, I also looked down at his feet to realize he was wearing really bad running sneakers with suit pants (his jacket and tie on first look appeared quite neat and nice). I could barely see his feet through the width of the cuff.

That did it, I was done. Nothing else mattered.

There was plenty during the conversation that I realized we were not a match in any case, but I wonder how much of that was made clear by his small hands? Not alarm bells or red flags, just points of disparity – and would I have caught as many of them if he didn’t have such tiny hands?

I literally drifted at one point – looking right at him – trying to determine if I was willing to put the theory to the test?

Did I have the balls to see if the old wives tale is true?

Nope.

I am sticking to my own theory – a mans hands and feet are a sure sign of his package. I have heard of big hands and small cock, but never experienced it myself. My experience has held true that the clock size follows the size of the hands.

Whats your experience?

Dreary Weather

The weather on the East Coast refuses to turn to Spring. I think it’s bringing everyone down. We’ve had more snow than usual and now a bout of rain. Days when you can see the sun are so lovely but the time we spend outside will be short lived as the humidity crushes us sooner than not. I miss the Spring. I see little blooms of hope everywhere and love the sight of the bright Spring blossoms.

I wish I could say I had little blooms of hope too, but I don’t. Work is crushing my soul. I’m not sure I can manage the politics of my role and often times feel like I’m in over my head with the expectations my boss has. Mostly I don’t see his expectations as realistic and he’s a terrible bully and awful leader. The powers that be have spoken to him multiple times yet his style never changes. HR is useless in corporations. A man like this is kept around while he allowed to speak about how he prefers Asian women and their behaviors and keeps hiring Asian women. I thought this kind of stuff was supposed to be eradicated? So much for breaking glass ceilings.

All the stress causes my anxiety to be nonstop. I had to increase my daily meds and start taking Xanax again regularly. I’ve gained so much weight I don’t fit into my clothes. I wake at 6, commute at 7, return home by 9 at least 3/4 days a week. I’m constantly tapped into work as my CEO is always asking me direct questions.

My kids are typical teens. There’s more aggravation some days than others. I mourn their little boy days but suppose that’s natural as I have two going to college this summer. I feel a bit more useless as a mom because the things they need (cooking mostly) I’m not around to do. I do what I can and have attempted to reconcile myself to that’s just how it is. I am a single mom with a high pressure career. They can cook for themselves and do their own laundry. But I still feel guilty.

Bennett is still around. I see him maybe once or twice a month after work. He lost his job early February so he doesn’t have any true reason to stay out overnight. I think I must have reconciled in my head that it is what it is as long as I stay in it. I speak to him every day and he provides kindness, encouragement and support but if we even have sex once a month it’s a lot. I do love him but no longer have hope for things to be different. He’s adjusted to life without kids at home and fallen into a pleasant routine with his wife. If I had any “hope” buried anywhere within my heart it was all crushed when he lost his job. When I saw what he went through and how he behaved and responded, I knew there was zero chance he would ever leave his family and marriage.

I met a man who doesn’t exist – he was his own dream of what he hopes for and that lasted only so long before his reality set back in. I don’t doubt his love for me for one moment, but he could never be the man he had shown me for that short period. He could never sustain true change or even have he courage to truly step towards change on his own.

I’ve been happy to help support him with take and resumes etc and he’s already had some great connections and a freelance gig. He will always swing by work and bring me pretty flowers when he’s near. The bloom on our flower is mostly gone. I don’t know if I can sustain much longer, loving a man who will never be mine.

I’m sad it couldn’t be Bennett, but I know it never will be.

I learned what I need from Bennett and how good it feels to have it. I learned how to stand for what I want and not worry if it takes me longer to find it.

I’ve been dating on and off (mostly off) for the past 6 months but gave it a good strong push towards late March when I knew I would slow down with work travel.

I met Tim, he claimed 5’11” but was definitely not (makes me crazy) and we hit it off via text pretty quickly. He looked handsome in his photos, had a good job and didn’t live too far from my home. We set a date.

I was disappointed in his height when I met him, but tried not to let it bother me because he was also husky (which I like). He was clearly older than his photos, but still an attractive man. We had a slow start of conversation but then it picked up and we enjoyed several hours of chatter.

We parted pleasantly with a peck on the lips and I knew I wasn’t interested in seeing him again. When he contacted me a couple days later, I was honest. He put the full court press on in compliments and I was as polite as possible until, after a week, I blocked him.

I met two others on line that had potential. Switched to text and then: ghosted. It still sucks when you have a tiny bit of “maybe” in your head.

I have another dating story or two up my sleeve. But otherwise my life has become more routine in the sense that I no longer feel the dating frenzy I once did, and have probably entered a period of depression. I hope writing again will help pull me out of it a bit.

Sometimes I Just Don’t Want to Do Life

I’m so overworked and overwhelmed.

Work just sucks. My boss is under so much pressure that he bullies his employees. I admit I cracked now under the strain. I can’t even have a meeting with him alone, there is always a consultant in the room. To protect me, no less. And while they do, once he starts on his rampage, he doesn’t stop. He is always angry with me. Somehow I trigger him. The consultants see it and stepped in and it improved for a while but he snapped again this week. He is a high level executive, I don’t know how these things get handled at that level – I just assume I pay the price at some point and it’s freaking me out now.

And that triggers my anxiety into high gear.

Layer that with a phone call from Bennett this week in a panic over his child and the insinuation that our relationship is too much of a burden for him to bear. I got so mad at him for calling me at work in the middle of the day and dumping that on me that we didn’t talk for 3 days. I don’t have the tolerance for him to be confused anymore. I care, it hurts, but I also know he will feel remorse and feel awful for taking it out on me.

I feel like everyone’s punching bag. I’m so tired.

My strike at home has been relatively successful. My kids started doing their own laundry and I notice the garbage has been taken out randomly and the mail brought in. I still haven’t done much food shopping but prepared a few things and they sat and ate with me. When I ask for help, I say “I need help now” and they mostly listen. I think I have to keep the laundry as a full responsibility at their ages now.

My eldest twin is thrilled, he has gotten into 3 of his 4 top choice colleges. One that we didn’t expect but I encouraged him to go for it and he did! I’m super proud, but I worry that this child of mine is the least practical and dedicated of all. He will live college, but will he buckle down? I just don’t know.

The x has finally capitulated and agreed to almost all the college terms. He made the mistake of not replying to the court order and caused himself more damage by making the judge mad at him. No he is forcing us into court and – while I am not happy about paying for the lawyer – I think the idiot is finally scared enough to realize he can’t win. He’s been threatening me for weeks now because he wants to file a change in circumstance: my job changed while his is stagnant. So he wants to sue for alimony. Unfortunately for him, since alimony was never awarded in the first place, he can’t ever go after it. So then he threatened child support, but I have proof that the 70/30 arrangement we agreed upon has now turned into 85/15 – the kids are barely with him. But he likes to beat his chest and say he walked away with nothing. His nothing included less home with his children and no child support as well as a lump sum buy out of the home. As well as all savings split equally. I wouldn’t call it nothing but he does.

I am just overwhelmed. I have no time for myself. I am always nervous. I have never questioned my abilities to deal with stress or pressure to get done what I need to do but I am falling apart at the seams. I can’t find my place of peace.

I was due to leave for another country tonight but my visa didn’t come through. I was so happy. So happy I jinxed myself and it came through today so I still have to travel across the world and back in a week. I’m not thrilled but it is what it is. I don’t mind the travel but this is so compressed and to a difficult country.

I come back for 5 days and head to the next country for 10 days.

I don’t have any time to think about dating. I don’t have any time to help my father which I really need to get some of his life in order at 82 years old. And my son needs to visit schools again and wants me to take him and not his Dad.

My youngest son has developed a rapid heart rate and terrible headaches and when I took him to the doctor this week I found out his Dad had taken him in October and was told the same thing. Of course I was in China. And the child or the dad never told me there was an issue and blood work and subsequent tests required.

I’m failing. Everyone and everything. I’m am entirely unraveled and can’t find the one place to focus, succeed and move forward. I’ve lost my footing and it’s scary. And without Bennett in the right frame of mind, I don’t have my normal voice of reason.

My bag is packed for this trip and I’m mentally ready to go.

I just hope it gives me time to clear my brain.

Some Nights are Harder than Others

It’s a rare thing for me to cry before sleep.  Generally it only happens in times of immense sadness.

This time it’s because of immense stress.  

For the first time in my life I really feel like a failure.

Work is so tough and I just can’t seem to navigate the depth of the water I’m in.  I am falling apart at the seams being overwhelmed by the enormity of the expectations around my role.  I am facing blame for failures that are not within my role, but sort of sideways to my role, and somehow expected to enforce these other areas as well as mine.  My boss is under so much pressure from the new CEO that this is coming down on me as well.  This is an awful game of poker and I don’t know how to play.  I don’t know how to manage through this and it’s sinking my confidence.

This is turning to pressure downwards, on my team, also suffering under the weight of expectation.  The hours are long and no end is in sight.  We are constantly distorted on projects so their day jobs are neglected.  

I’m digging in, doing all I can do, to make changes.  But, for the first time, I question my ability to do so and that is simply the scariest thing I have ever felt.  

I have never lacked confidence in my work abilities.  Ever.

It’s a horrible feeling to have that one thing you believe is your best skill to be questioned.

I am learning new skills.  One has to adapt when one’s life is threatened, so to speak.  I’m struggling, but starting to learn how to fight for my life.  

I’m so stressed and anxious over work, and overworked working 10-12 hour day 3-4 days a week plus putting in one weekend day now each weekend, that my life is unraveling as well.

My kids, typical teens they may be, are wearing my last nerve.  I have gone on strike.  They will now be feeding themselves and doing their own laundry. Since there seems to be no appreciation for what I do for them and no interest in helping me in any way, my friend suggested going on strike.  I’m giving it a try.  The last straw was when I got home from work at 10:30pm, on a night they were due to be with their Dad for dinner….I knew their Dad forgot around 6:30 when they text me to tell me they were starving.  I ordered their dinner and went back to work.  I sent two text to remind them to take in the mail and the garbage can.  When I got home at 10:30, two kitchen counters were tossed with the nights take out, the garbage can was off it’s hinge and jammed to overflowing, the outside garbage can was still outside, and there was a pile of packages and mail waiting to be brought in.  To add insult to injury, one of my sons had a car accident in the driveway causing over $3k worth of damage to the other car.  I still haven’t had the damage to his car assessed.

Needless to say, I lost it.  I told the boys I was going on strike: no laundry and no cooking.  I figured eventually someone would run out of underwear and take care of themselves.  

And, while Bennett isn’t causing any noticeable anxiety, when I am feeling down and depressed about the rest of my life, then I realize I am lonely and need someone that’s able to be there for my physically when I need them.  Sure he’s available by text, but tonight is one of those nights I can’t stop crying and I wish someone was here to hold me.  So I get myself all worked up about being in love with a man I can’t ever have.

Things are “fine” with Bennett.  I see him, we speak, he feels good.  But when I think about it, the fact of the affair is tough on me. I wanted this man to be mine and he isn’t going to be.  I am deathly afraid there will never be another like him.  Normally, this is far in the back of my mind because I was able to balance dating for a bit.

But not, nothing,  I have zero time for anyone or anything, including myself. 

I don’t have a minute to exercise and I feel like crap.  I gained weight yet again, my weight is worse than a high speed elevator.

My clothes are too tight and I have to worry about traveling to 6 countries over the course of 7 weeks.  All different climates to boot.  I have to be in India, France, Italy, China, Hong Kong and Korea between the last week of this month and the first week of March.  I want to shoot myself.  Guaranteed I will get sick.

I’m back to court with the x over college.  My kids are upset with me because they think it’s unfair that I make my x so angry about having to contribute to college.  I am trying to explain to them that college is so expensive and requires payments at certain times.  We need to understand his contribution and commitments in writing up front.  If he doesn’t have the cash to contribute, some of their expenses will be loans for him.  I am not here to solve his fiscalresources   but I must avoid him making college financing my responsibility.  I don’t want to argue about who writes the check for the next 8 years. 

So, I sit here in tears tonight.  Unable to stem the steady flow of these huge round water drops coming from my eyes.  Knowing tomorrow is full on from the moment I wake until the moment I drop.  

I keep telling myself “This too shall pass.”  I think the worst hasn’t come quite yet, it’s still ahead.  I know there is a reckoning to come at work and certainly if I remain this stressed, there will be one with Bennett as well.  I know myself well enough to know how my mind works.  Maybe the travel will help, maybe it will make it worse.

My best friend, who has never left her home town beyond a vacation to Florida, is coming to Paris with me.  I am so excited for her to join me and equally so worried that I will be miserable.  She has never been so courageous and booked her trip before I knew it.  I can’t let her down, she is the dearest person in the world to me.  I just worry that now isn’t the best time.  

I know this post was all over the place, sort of like my brain.

Some nights I wish my life wasn’t so hard.  I feel like everything is a struggle.  I wish I had more time for myself, my family.  More time to find a lover.  More time to see my friends.  I hate being so consumed and so unhappy.  

Right now just sucks.

Intermission

I don’t have much to share. A couple weeks back I had a dating spree and it all turned up for naught. I didn’t get discouraged, just bored. It’s so much work to date!

Not just in vetting and setting up the dates, but all the ridiculousness that comes with the stop-and-start types of communication.

I find it easier to move on from those I quickly consider a waste of my precious time. I’ve gotten much better at that. Even the ones I genuinely like at the start and show promise I have found little patience for their shenanigans.

Dave, the breadcrumber, is gone. Blocked and deleted so I have no ability to contact him again. I made the mistake of reaching out on Bumble when we matched a second time. Foolish me. He wasn’t interested enough to make something happen the first time around, I shouldn’t have opened the door a second time

Greg, the supposed Dom, who was also given a second chance was finally and heartily stricken from the list this weekend. Rather than bore you with dull details, suffice to say, I had one too many reasons to believe he was inflexible and ultimately too socially awkward for me. He was sweet but clearly single for too long. He didn’t have the basic tenets of dating down and I found that frustrating.   I learned that, on some level, I need anyone interested in me to have “some” level of interest in my family. He was very good at making my life sound as the only responsibility I had was to myself. I crossed him off the list on Sunday at yet another failed attempt at meeting and his inability to communicate in a timely or responsible manner.

He came back Tuesday night with a bogus follow up when I realized I had deleted him but not blocked. Course corrected. Blocked. And I didn’t reply to him.

That leaves Bennett.

We will see each other a bit this week after respective Christmas parties. We will exchange a gift. We discussed my gift in case you were wondering. Poor guy. I’ve traumatized him. with gift giving.  We have a chunk of time together between Wednesday and Friday and then the long Christmas break where I don’t expect to see him until after the New Year.

Strangely enough, I am in a better place than I thought I could be. I know I tell myself I will feel a certain way and that often doesn’t come to pass. But I’m ok at the moment. Maybe because I’m dying at work. Maybe because my life is jammed to overflowing. Bennett is a constant and a happy one at that. Maybe it’s enough for now.

Unlike previous years, I made a conscious decision to spend New Year’s Eve at the local family party with my youngest son. I hated going on previous years because I felt like it meant I had nothing better (or no one better) to spend the night with. This year friends asked me out and I declined because I realize I have come to love this group of parents because they embraced me as a single mom with all their hearts. They have all supported me in one way or another. It’s taken me some time but I realize I enjoy being around this “family” every New Year’s Eve for the last 5 years.

I also declined a traditional family party, which I love attending, but on the night before Christmas Eve, It always puts me at a deficit in physical energy or behind the 8-ball with some prep or another. I can see my cousins another time. I need that night at home.

I am not fussed about Bennett’s time with his family. Maybe because I know what to expect and maybe because I have come to accept my circumstances. I don’t know. But I’m ok.

And I realize now is not the time to try to meet people. I’m too busy, even if It weren’t for Bennett, I’m too busy. If work has its way I’m in India for two weeks in January, Paris and Milan in February and China and Korea in March. Does it even make sense to try and date?

I try to date for two reasons: one is that I know I am ready and want relationship.  The extra time I do have, I would love to have a partner.  I would love that partner to be able to travel with me as well – I have amazing opportunities for travel and want to share.  The second is I do long for the connection that I had with Bennett. The every day dependency in a way. Looking. forward to sharing the small stuff. Having someone who is mine and has my back.

I will switch the apps back on in January. But for now, I am ok where I am. My goal is to focus on work, getting my one son off to college and getting my body back to shape. My plate is full.

While the situation isn’t ideal, and I hate to admit I’ve been dating Bennett for 18 months with no real end in sight, the balance is ok for me. Something broke deep inside in that last riff we had, something that won’t be repaired while he is married. Maybe never repaired. But I can’t change that, only he can. I can only keep my head on as straight as possible, keep Trixie away from any hot ideas and keep myself moving forward.

The Force is Strong With This One

Today at a holiday gathering, I had my tarot cards read. This woman is for real. She’s predicted many things in many of our lives. But like any other reading, you have to be open to the interpretations.

When she did my coworker, she looked at her and said “you’re worried about a loss in your family, someone close. Your sister. She’s getting divorced and she doesn’t have to. You should speak to her.”

Boom

Dead on. And this coworker had told no one about her sister. She and her family are very upset about the divorce.

Of course, not all things are this specific. But, left to interpretation some could be right on.

Mine was all work, except for one line where she said “you are going to have sex this week. Great sex.” I’m seeing Bennett Thursday so that’s probably true. She knows nothing of my love life other than what she’s read for me. She also said my beat match was a Leo, which is Bennett’s sign. My readings have been consistent for the year (this is the third). I am fighting a battle I will win and I will be very successful. This has been a constant across 3 different psychics. I suppose if I have any vibe, they all pick up on my desire to succeed at work.

I asked her to do a quickie for me at the end, just for romance as there was nothing much in the main reading. The short story is that while she thinks he’s already in my life, there will be 8 days, 8 weeks or 8 months before the truth of the relationship is known.

Every reading for me is filled with positive outlooks. Every time. She commented on how consistent my readings are and said it’s often unusual to have so much consistency. She said I have a very strong force and I’m guiding the cards, even though I am not aware of it.

While I never put too much weight or thought into any reading, I am always curious. The last psychic predicted my job almost exactly. This one told me Bennett was married and conflicted without knowing anything about me.

It’s a fun thing to do and she’s written two books about her craft and has a popularity in her own right. In my case she’s a business partner for a day job! One of my favorite ones, no less. Good people through and through.

I’ve been hard at work 8-8 each day and hoping I can leave a normal time tomorrow before I lose all the life force I have in me. I have two grueling days ahead on a project that can’t be solved and it’s becoming more and more painful each day. Projects like this hi light team and Individuals weaknesses, including my own. Not an easy way for anyone to work. Hopefully we will be done with this project by next week

Date Night Every Night

I had a plan for every night this week and it exhausted me!

Fun, but I realize this speed isn’t for me anymore.

Monday night I met Scott. Scott works for a company based close to my hometown, but lives in Dallas. Divorced, older children in college, handsome, very tall and quite sweet. He travels at least once a month to his home office. We must have matched on a previous trip here, and then it just so happened when we connected he was back for an entire week, just 15 minutes from my home.

We spent some time texting then moved to a phone conversation. While his long distance home wasn’t ideal, his daughter was graduating high school next year and he was looking to transfer to the home office late next year. I figured, why not? He seemingly had a lot of great qualities and we gelled easily on the phone.

He was super easy on the eyes in person too. We met late Monday night and had a great time for several hours, closing down the bar around 11pm. A lovely kiss goodnight by the side of the car and an agreement to meet again at least once before he left.

Tuesday rolled around and while I had made plans the previous week with Clell, I hadn’t heard from him since the Thursday before when we made the plans. I did ask him to text me over the weekend so we could get to know one another a little more, before the first date, but he didn’t. I was surprised around lunchtime when he text to confirm the date – and I told him so. I had worn boring clothes and no makeup to work, hardly my best presentation. He was quite keen to meet so I eventually succumbed. I had to work late and a dinner wouldn’t be horrible before heading home.

Clell was handsome in his own way, he desperately needed a haircut, but was well dressed and had sweet Southern charm. He was obviously surprised by me in person and eventually told me so: much more beautiful than any of your photos. I tried, very hard, to connect with Clell. I asked questions about work, food, family, hobbies, college. Nothing I said could get him going enough to really engage. I found myself talking way too much to fill the space. I eventually became somewhat uncomfortable because I had committed to dinner. We made it through some shared apps and chose to end it there. The weather was terrible outside so he didn’t offer to walk me back to my office, which was fine. He did lean in for a kiss and I politely kissed his check but he pulled me in for more and I had to be more obvious by turning my cheek. He told me he looked forward to seeing me again soon and jumped out to haul a cab.

Generally I will text a thank you and a decline if that’s how the date goes, but while I was on my car ride home I heard from Dave – who I met and dated briefly back in April. I liked Dave quite a bit, but he was the first sincere experience I had with “breadcrumbing” and I never knew why he disappeared. It didn’t matter much as I wasn’t out of relationship with Bennett.

Dave was back on Bumble and we matched and I had said “hi! Hope you’re well!” And he reached out to my in reply via text. His name didn’t come up as I had deleted the contact but he said it was him. We text back and forth a bit and after about 15 minutes or so, I said “well, lovely catching up, would love to get together so let me know your availability if your interested!” And I signed off. He sent a few more text but I didn’t read them, then.

Wednesday comes and I am due to have a date with Greg, the supposed Dom. After we stopped talking he reached out with a much better disposition and we started to get to know one another. He still had plenty of red flags, but I didn’t see any harm in meeting him.  Turns out he twisted his knee and had to head to his orthopedic so we didn’t meet Tuesday and planned for Saturday instead.  I ended up working until almost 10pm on a project that may just kill me.

Thursday I met Bennett for dinner to finish the talk we started last week.  We had a lovely time and we were both much more relaxed than usual.  We seem to have fallen into an easier cadence, but knowing me and how jealous I often get, I can’t imagine this lasts long.

Friday morning Dave reached back out to me and asked my plans, but didn’t solicit a date.  So after a few more text I once again stated “If you are interested…” and his reply was “I am definitely interested!” but with no indication of when or where we would ever meet.  He’s still dropping his breadcrumbs so I quickly lost interest.  Had he tried even a tiny bit more I may have given him another shot – he was an amazing kisser!

Scott also reached out so I agreed to meet him a bit later in the evening.  He originally wanted to come into my city, but that fell apart, which was fine as I was so tired at this point.  We met at a local pub and had some drinks, and then he drove me home.  The vibe between us wasn’t quite the same as Monday night and I can’t really say why, except my guess is I was a bit overwhelming for him.  He had asked quite a bit about my roles and responsibilities at work and made a comment that he had no interest in so much responsibility.    It’s the only thing I can really put my finger on.  I invited him in for a nightcap, and he came in and wanted to see the house, so I gave him the short tour, we sat on the couch and kissed and the chemistry – which seemed pretty good on Monday, – was all but gone.  Honestly, I was probably too tired to see him and not invested enough on this date to turn it around.  I let him go quickly and said goodnight and just realized I forgot to follow up with a “Thank you.”  I haven’t heard from him.

Saturday was a snow storm so I didn’t end up meeting Greg, but had a lovely day with my boys decorating the house and tree.

Bennett was on a boys weekend down in Florida, but checked in often and I noticed some of his usual sweet nothings making their way back into his conversation, which is nice.  I also noticed that it irritates me I would never have that time with him, a vacation, or days together and I kept my chatter to a minimum to avoid thinking about it any further.  If I stay here with him in whatever this relationship is, I am going to have to put up and shut up.  And part of that is learning to quiet my own mind.

And, every once in a while, Dan (who was R in the previous blog) pops back in with some sexy talk and trying to convince me to see him.  He’s another one who wants the woman to chase him.    I would love to see him, we always have fun, but I’m not chasing.  He did send one very hot photo though – yum.

I assume that Dave and Scott are out of the picture for good, which is fine.  Greg and I will continue to try and meet – he did ask if he could exchange a Christmas present with me but I suggested we meet first, and going into holiday season I have no idea when that could be.  And, Dan, I haven’t heard from him since the one quick text session, as expected.

For now I have stopped looking at Tinder and Bumble as the next few weeks are filled with family and friends.  If Greg and I meet, I am sure he can fill up any additional time and I am sure to see Bennett after some of the parties.  All in all, my head is in a better space, but I also think it’s because I am anxious at work lately – maybe I can only process so much at one time?  Normally work doesn’t make me this anxious, but my boss is especially tough at the moment and I am learning how to navigate this landscape.

 

Ruminations

So here’s my crazy train of thoughts since I have been with Bennett again.

Regardless of what was the truth or lies before, what I believed to be true is my reality.  Everyone knows the saying “perception is reality.”  Doesn’t matter who thinks he was lying to me before, no one but Bennett knows the truth.  I believed what he was telling me, I had seen enough to believe the reality he himself was believing.

But when we spoke about his marriage, and when I realized that his talk to his wife in May healed something between them that had been broken a long time, my perception started to change.

Before he was ignoring his wife and his marriage.

Now he is in protect mode: protect his marriage.  Before it was protect the relationship with Madeline.

He shared with me how easy their relationship is.  How he enjoys making her feel safe.  How he feels responsible for her and accountable for the life they created together.  How they talk about the children and reminisce.  And how, beyond that, he finds it hard to talk to her about anything else.  She presents no challenge for him, she misses their children as much, if not more, than he does.  She has leaned into him in their absence as he has to her.  He admitted that after the fracture in May, when he decided he couldn’t let go, that he scared them both into better communication.

I know I ask too many questions, things I shouldn’t ask.  I know once you hear something you can’t unhear it.  I asked him what forms of affection they shared and he had always maintained there were none.  But somewhere over the summer he mentioned he kissed her on the forehead every night before bed.  This time around he admitted he actively tries to maintain the balance in their relationship.  The way he treats her makes her feel comfortable and not question his actions.  This only leads me to believe there are probably other small forms of affection, he doesn’t consider them “romantic” but they are things that make their marriage appear healthy.

I suppose when I believed he was a man who was going through a genuine transition in his life, had a marriage that was ending, these things felt more palatable to me.  I was able to overlook his behavior as a liar and a cheat in their relationship.  But now it all seems so contrived.  He knows what he’s doing is so wrong and so disrespectful, but he is actively ensuring he convinces her there is no reason to worry.

He said if she were to approach him for sex, which he doesn’t think she ever will because he is under the belief she just doesn’t want it or need it, nor does she care about further intimacy between them as she is happy with what he gives her…he said it would be over between us because that’s when she would “start to look under the covers and we would be caught.”  Since she doesn’t want sex, it’s not an issue between them.  But, will she one day?  He doesn’t really think so, he gives her the little attention she requires as a wife, and all the trappings of a happy family life, and this is seemingly enough for her.

When there felt like there was a time we were working towards something real together, I was able to look beyond so many things.  Now, they all feel wrong and out of proportion to me.    Now, I feel less like giving all of myself to him because I know he will no longer give himself to me.

Nothing changes as I write these posts, they simply remain my rumination in my thick skull.

I don’t feel less love for him, or less desire.  I feel loss.  I can have what he can give me, I don’t lose everything that once was, but it feels like all the good between us will disappear quite fast under my different perception of reality.

I don’t mind feeling let down about Bennett.  Let down or disappointed is easier to swallow than heartbroken.  Deep down, I do feel the same, the man I met was the man of my dreams.  But if that’s not the man available to me today, best I mourn the loss of him and move on.  Even if that means an different relationship with Bennett, it’s just my own way of reconciling the man who loved me with abandon  is lost to me.

Disillusionment?

I saw Bennett after 2 months. Certainly the longest break.

I was excited to see him up until the day before our commitment. Then the disillusionment set in. I suppose I had finally began to think of our relationship as no more than an affair rather than a real relationship with a future. At least that’s my bedside analysis.

We had agreed to be honest with one another about what we could or couldn’t provide one another within the confines of an affair. Sounds silly since I’m on the back foot here. I wanted him. He wanted his cake and to eat it too.

I’m not trying to provide excuses about him or me. I have spent enough time crying and settling. I suppose I was excited he would consider seeing me again after such a hard break. But my brain fog cleared. Of course he would want to see me.

I struggled to write this post. Mostly because I feel a bit ashamed with myself for loving him the way I do and being so convinced he would ever leave his marriage. Foolish because his talking to his wife back in May healed a breach they had been struggling with, rather than drive them apart. I don’t know how I am so able to fool myself about these things deep in the belief he loves me.

He loves me, but not enough to leave his complacent life and wife. They have an easy marriage and a good life. And he is willing to live with that. The man I met was at a crossroads in his life and had courage to change.

That man is gone. He’s fallen back into routine and complacency.

I think the disillusionment wasn’t that he was “just a man” it was that he wasn’t going to be MY complacent man and he didn’t have the courage to step out of his box. And if he wasn’t able to do that the way he did with me the first year, was an affair worth it for me?

I was never hidden or made to feel I couldn’t be out in the open. He is more worried about those things now. Talking about everyday stressors before was a way we connected, now I don’t feel the pull to help him through these small mundane things: he has a wife for that. I am less interested in his day to day activity. He has become more scared and cautious since his “look into the abyss” as he calls it. He was frightened to death of changing his life and hurting his wife and family. These realities didn’t play before. They add an unseen weight to what was a light, happy, easy and love filled connection at the start.

If this is an affair, what’s in it for me?

Don’t get all this wrong, seeing him was like an old spark reignited. The longing was deep in my belly. His kiss was perfect. Sleeping in his arms made me peaceful. I laughed often. The night was wonderful and the sex perfect.

But leaving the next morning, even though we had a leisurely shower and then walk to work left me feeling something like unfulfilled. I can’t actually describe how I felt. Let down maybe.

While I knew I was the other woman I didn’t feel like an other woman with him. I didn’t feel it when he was physically with me, but felt it rather keenly after we separated.

I don’t like this feeling.

I also don’t like being without him.

So I have a lot of thinking to do.

To Date or Not to Date a Dom?

The dating sites can produce a bunch of great matches in a moment, or none at all for days at a time. In the past, the slow times would often lead me to making bad choices just to avoid being alone.

This time of year things also slow down. People spend more time with friends and families and leave less time for starting relationships. I was a little fearful of being alone for the holidays at first, but after living through Bobby And Bennett both being married and not part of my holiday season, I learned I am just fine on my own. Not perfectly happy, I would prefer a partner to dote over and snuggle and cuddle with, but just fine. For the first time since 2013, I’m not worried about what the holidays hold for me. I have my family and friends and it will just as happy (or sad) as any other year.

So while I’ve been making matches and starting conversations, not much has taken flight for one reason or the other. Oddly enough, it feels ok for the first time. I don’t feel a desperate pull to date or have sex. I don’t engage when I’m not interested and I pull back when things go a little wonky.  I can’t say it’s perfect, but it’s better than it used to be.

 

So, here’s an example of how I’m getting better, or not, depending how you view it.

Out of the blue a week ago I received a text from an unknown number. After establishing who he was and where we had connected, I still needed a photo. Even then, no bells were ringing for me.

He claimed we met on POF over a month ago and that he had a family death and had come off the site for some time. He had been wanting to reach out and finally did.

I didn’t know what to think, honestly.

He gave me his details, he checked out for who he said he was and we started chatting. He quickly called and we spent quite some time on the phone that evening. I had just started to come down with a terrible cold and knew I would be staying in the weekend so it was nice to have someone to chat with. We hit it off quickly.

Greg has a great job, is 6’2″, handsome and articulate. He is also single with no kids. His longest relationship was 2.5 years. That was my first red flag.

It’s hard to eliminate someone based on no marriage and no kids. Shit happens in life. But not to have longstanding relationship? That does worry me.

He claims it was due to his moving so frequently early in his career for promotion. Could be, right? I don’t know, just seems off to me.

Anyway, we decided we should meet the next day if I was feeling better.

But, I didn’t.  I called him to tell him I was still sick and would need to cancel.  He asked again for the next day but I declined knowing I was starting to feel pretty sick.  He understood and we kept in contact.  He would be on vacation the following week for the holiday, but I had to work the early part of the week, and then I had a friend staying with me for several days.  I suggested we would have to wait for a week to meet, until after my friend left.

Not only did he push me a few times saying I wasn’t able to meet because my friend was in town, he then dropped a small bomb on me that he was a Dom.   In the past, this might have excited me, but in this case it started to irritate me.

I explained that I made plans with my friend and I was not about to leave her to meet him for the first time (nicely) and that I wasn’t sure to what extent, if any, I was interested in a D/s relationship.  I said I was open to discussion when we met.

But then he started in with the “rules” and his expectations.  I was truly sick and not interested in playing games and told him so.  For him, perhaps, this was no game, but I was clear that my mind was on my healing and getting through the holiday more than it was on satisfying a Dom that I hadn’t met.  He made a few requests which I quickly said “No” to and, again, made myself clear that there would be no D/s anything until we met and I had an opportunity to better evaluate if this was something I wanted.

At this point, maybe this was last Tuesday, he asked me if there was something he could do for me that would please me.  I said “sure, it would be great to get a Good Morning text each day.”  His answer was something like “extra spankings for the way you worded it.”   I wasn’t in the mood at that point.   Nor did I care much.

I didn’t answer his text or calls for the next two days while I let it sit.

Nor did I get any “Good Morning” text from him.  So much for giving me something that would make me happy.

I finally text him Friday to say I didn’t think it was a good idea to meet, I wasn’t feeling comfortable with the D/s situation and preferred not to pursue.  He said “ok, I understand, thank you.”

Until Sunday, when he text again…..