Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

Dodging a Dating Bullet

A friend of mine, who is also single, told me a few weeks ago, the dating websites were currently hosting a plethora of men….so I turned the apps back on and gave it a shot.

Rob (my 6’4″ date) ghosted me. I saw him in the city mid December, I text him a short note on his wife’s 1 year anniversary, and that was the last I heard from him. It’s too bad but it’s ok. I thought I would hear a holiday greeting, but no. He’s not ready and he’s not for me in any case. Deleted.

There were, and this is no lie, at least 10 eligible matches that I was able to start speaking to. One by one they each fell to the wayside, but it was definitely more available men than usual! And I have my preferences set to 6′ and above and I still had a ton of matches. Was everyone looking for a NYE date?

It came down to 3-4 men I moved to text with.

Dan, who is so intermittent with his text that I gave up. We may never get started. He wants to schedule a phone call but is inconsistent.

Jack, who started of great but now that we are talking a bit more, I’m beginning to think he’s not for me. Everything is really good in our chats, he’s clearly interested, but I’m not laughing unless I’m cracking the jokes. I will go on a date with him.

Brian, super promising Texan transplant. His accent reminded me of Bobby and we hit it off quickly. But he turned on a dime ….story ahead.

Brian and I matched on Bumble and he met all my initial criteria – a definite sense of humor, handsome, intelligent and nearby. Our first phone call last close to 2 hours and it was so easy I don’t even recall what we spoke about. But the day of the date things started to get weird.

After speaking to someone for close to 2 hours on the phone, I do expect a good morning text, or at least an early text confirming our date for later in the day. I got neither from Brian. At 4pm – when we had loosely planned to meet between 4-6pm, I got the first text that said he was in meetings til 5 ish. Ok, hall pass on that one – at least he was acknowledging me and I could now jump in shower. By the way, no apology for not texting sooner, just the text that read “in meetings”.

The next text came about 5pm “still stuck” and then once at 645pm “almost done, how are you?” Finally at 715pm or so (I had showered but didn’t dress or put on makeup) I received a text asking me to come to him. Now, all my girlfriends have a rule – first date they come to you, period. So I knew I was breaking dating code if I went to see him. But, I was mostly ready and I did want to meet him. Drinking didn’t matter much, so I agreed.

It only occurred to me upon my arrival the place he selected was the place I met Tony (Bennett). I had a momentary reflection and moved on. It had no impact and I was glad of it. That had all the makings of ruining my night.

We hit it off in person quickly, laughing and conversing quite easily. He was better looking in person and had a gentle mannerism. He wanted to touch my hands and leg and I found him very appealing. The time slipped by. He asked if I would like to go to a different place for another drink and I agreed. We kissed a little on the short walk over and he held my hand. He also said he wanted to absolutely see me again. Everything was going well.

On reflection, this is why I should stop first dates from going to long. When I connect with someone, it’s pretty obvious and fast – but it over accelerates the attraction and moves us forward too fast. Had I ended the date then, I’m sure I would have seen Brian again. But it didn’t even cross my mind.

We went to the second bar and he asked some sexual questions. Not too probing but I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in talking about it much on our first date. That’s when he started to ask me to come back home with him, even if it meant just to sleep. If I had been drinking more I would have said yes. I didn’t. I said a clear no and that I wanted to go home. He was also exhausted and a little drunk.

As we walked out of the bar, he headed in the opposite direction of my car and I pulled him back indicating my car was the other way. He pulled me forward and motioned across the street indicating his home was around the block. We stood still.

I think I was evaluating if I would go or not. Either way, in my head, I needed to get to my car first. He saw my confusion as refusal to listen to him and began to get angry, telling me I didn’t need my car. But I was processing that even if I went with him I wanted my car. Before I could get through my own head, I felt him drop my hand in frustration and watched his face change. At that point I made the comment “did you want me to come back with you or not?” And his reply was “now I’m thinking I don’t” and with that, I turned around and walked towards my car. I never looked over my shoulder.

His face had gotten ugly angry and in the briefest second I got uncomfortable. By the time I got to my car a couple blocks away I had started to cry. So many reasons for the tears surfaced: I was scared and anxious, sad, confused and lonely.

I think I did the right thing, there was a meanness to him at the end that I couldn’t identify until that last moment. The type of mean that could have ended up hurting me (not intentionally) because he wanted what he wanted and wasn’t listening to me. Maybe my cues are off, maybe I’m misleading. But he was no gentleman ultimately.

Good chemistry matches are hard to come by, so I was sorry it happened this way but I do think I dodged bigger damage ahead with Brian.

Thank you, next.

P.S. Do you know the way my addled brain works, I am actually sorry it turned out that way because he had so much promise. Argh.

New Year

*I wrote this post earlier this month and never got around to editing until now….

Happy New Year!

How did you start off your New Year? This was the first one in my life I was alone. I think the idea of being alone on NYE bothered me more than the actuality of being alone. Our traditional NYE party was cancelled as our hosts were traveling. Funny, several years ago I didn’t want to go to that local friends party and now I have come to enjoy the low-key peacefulness of community – I missed it this year.

I didn’t have any reflection. I didn’t even feel like we were turning a page on a New Year. It felt like any other night to me (other than the resounding thought playing over and over in my head: you are alone on NYE, how sad).

I thought too much about Tony.

My winter break was exhausting. My iron has dropped again, but not enough to need my infusion. I’m sleeping my days away. I am just not ready for life and this is not ok. I have been out of life for 4 months and I have managed to do nothing, except heal my body, during those 4 months. It’s not enough. Time is valuable and I’m wasting it – but no matter how I look at and how many times I tell myself something will change, it doesn’t. I fall back into hibernation.

Of course I have moments of light. I somehow work up energy enough to get myself going for a few hours. All these times exhaust me even further. The ambivalence is astounding. I just don’t care.

I have to care. I have to find my way back to reality so I can pay my bills and feed my children. This is the last month we can float on my available cash. After January we start dipping into savings. I keep reminding myself it’s not worth it to spend what took me so long to save.

My list of required to-do’s isn’t even all that long, it just challenges me.

Work

Review and edit my resume and social profiles.

Make a list of contacts and actively begin a search.

Utilize outplacement website and webinars

Ensure all job search sites are set up properly for my searches

Personal

Choose an exercise to stick with and develop a routine

Learn yoga or meditation

Create 2019 calendar

Migrate addresses and birthdays to phone

Give Keto eating a try

Finance

Remember unemployment Monday’s

Submit bonds for processing

Sort out S1 and S2 school immediately.

Home

Deep clean: bathroom floors/grout

Put away Christmas decor

Help son rearrange bedroom

Purchase rug for basement and mop floors

I could make that list 10 pages longer, but these are the ones that resonate the most with me to “get done”.

I need to start doing something. I’ve been sleeping most of the last two weeks away….I’m unfocused and feeling very unhappy again. It seems that as my body has mostly recovered that my mind is back to most of its old tricks again. Tony is on my mind way too much and it’s making me so sad again. I even drank too much Christmas night and picked a text fight with him so I’ve gone back to no contact fully.

I don’t know how to restart my life right now. I know there’s no magic bullet but I’ve lost all motivation and desire. To feel so hopeless is a terrible thing.

I speak to my friends, see my family and make dates. But I feel no drive anymore.

Growing Up

Growing up….gosh I don’t recall as much as some other folks do. I think I had a decent childhood earmarked by things I loved and adored.

But when someone reframed events and circumstances for you (hello my therapist) you start to rethink HOW you remembered things. And I have an amazing knack for taking the good forward and leaving the bad behind. Sometimes even eliminating the bad so I don’t have to feel those negative things again.

My father never really engaged in a positive way with his children. I recall begging for any positive attention. I never really liked my father and it took a deathbed promise to my mother to stop arguing with him. My most outstanding memory was being hit by my father, or chased and punished. Until I was 16. Years later my mother and father denied he ever “hit” me. Because of my father ever “hit”Me I would be dead. He simply gave me “love taps” as they liked to call them. Nothing like gaslighting your own child, right?

My father now speaks and behaves as if my mother was the only person that mattered in his life. He has no engagement with his 5 grandchildren unless he eats a meal with us. I’m sure he loves all of us in his own way, but his way is something I will never understand.

I don’t recall him ever encouraging me as a child. I was always “fat” and he called me by a nickname I hated and begged not to be called. Even to this day he tells me how I don’t know anything. When I first got a job (in an office) he thought I would never have “hard work” because I wasn’t a laborer. At least his opinion of that has changed as he’s watched me kill myself working over the years.

I got my work ethic from him. And my ability to be stubborn and argue before listening. I am most unlike my father. I am pretty sure he didn’t like me as a child, but he is proud of me as an adult because he can see the fruit of my labor. I never told him about the surgeries or Mexico because he would never understand.

I still blame him for my mother’s end. Not her death, but how she lived in squalor because he was so possessive and wouldn’t allow anyone else to care for her when he clearly couldn’t. When I think of it I get so angry I could hurt him. My mother had to be carted around like a doll when she was in stage 4 cancer, diapers, and incoherent because of what “he wanted” to do. It was always his way or the highway. Still is. Now I just allow him into our lives on my terms since I know I have to accept him as he is. I feel sad he is my father and tried the best he could. I don’t think he really wanted children the way my mom did. He just wanted her to himself.

My mom, I still have a hard time admitting I wasn’t the child she wanted. An even harder time admitting she didn’t know how to mother a child like me. If she had lived longer we might have found our stride – but we didn’t for most of my life. I regret this immensely and hope this doesn’t happen with my own children. It scares me to death.

My poor mother had to deal with my father who was cruel and possessive, her mother who was mentally unstable and needy (and the two of them hated each other) and then I come along and I’m high strung and aggressive and want to be left alone. I don’t want to do the girl things she wants me to do. I don’t want to take care of her the way she cared for her mother at her beck and call. I watched her be miserable and refused it for myself. I watched her live my brothers life for him, coddling him to a point where he is incapable of being an adult (until he met a woman who kicked his ass!). Her life scared me. I know she wanted better for me and always encouraged me and was my biggest cheerleader – but she was disappointed in my lack of empathy and compassion when I was young (it was her hallmark). I have it now….but not sure if it would have been enough for her.

The hallmark of my entire young life was “not enough” or “too much” and then that carried through to my marriage. How do you forgive your inner child or begin to like her again when she was never just “enough”.

I also realized the first forms of validation I received on being enough came from boyfriends. This is probably why I continue to seek validation with men. The early boyfriends I had were so good to me. Every one of them wanted to marry me. They were all good men for that point in my life but I grew out of each one for one reason or another.

Looking back a growing up I realize I never really liked myself because my parents didn’t like me. I didn’t make solid friends until high school, around the same time I became interested in boys. We had moved twice when I was young and I just couldn’t connect to the girls until I joined Flag Squad In High School and became a part of a “team.” By that time the boys came on the scene and I never really developed those female relationships that so many do. I depended on men for validation from the very beginning.

So much work to do still and it’s so hard. How do you forgive and accept yourself for so many years ago? What if I never like that child? She was always awkward and needy. She never felt pretty until very late – 10th grade – when she realized how sexual she was. Will I always feel like that little girl? With peaks of happiness but not truly satisfied with herself underneath it all? Thinking and feeling that no one really knew her and loved her for who she was. They always wanted her to be someone else until she met her boyfriends. They wanted her just as she was. They would have stayed by her side. Why didn’t her parents feel that way? That she was good enough just the way she was?

The Big City

I had a lot of anxiety prior to heading into the city this week to meet my friend. Honestly, had she not traveled so far to see me or if she wasn’t so important to me, I think I would have bagged it.

As it turned out, once I got going, I was fine. I had no anxiety once I actually got into the car. Then again, I wasn’t heading into work.

I broke the seal, so to speak. I made it back to my city after a full almost 4 month break. That’s the longest I’ve ever stayed away since college.

My friend and I had a fantastic time and I truly needed the girl time with her. She is one of the smartest woman I know and fully gets me. I just wish she lived closer. I don’t have enough friends like her who are working moms, ambitious, brilliant, sexy and kind. Women who really get where I am coming from and have experienced their own highs and lows. Women whose voice and experience I trust implicitly. I’m not complaining about my friends as I have great ones, I just need more like this.

I had text Rob that I was in the city and he stopped by for a quick drink. He was sort of awkward, didn’t have much to say, so I didn’t mind that he didn’t stay. It was sweet he dropped by, but he’s clearly not social out of his comfort zone. If I reach out to him, he always replies. If I don’t, he usually checks in every few days. I would like more, but I’m not going to get it and I have no desire to push for it.

I did eat too much one evening and won’t be doing that again. I watched my alcohol intake.

I did hear from Tony again last week. He asked about my Christmas tree by text. We had a small back and forth and that’s about it. I don’t especially feel one way or the other, but I do know I have a strong feeling about shutting the door on him. So, it remains open. I was honest about this with my therapist as well.

Honestly, if I can motivate myself to begin an exercise regime I think it would really help me to begin to structure myself again. It will also help getting off the last 20 pounds. I know I need to do this and it seems to be as much of a roadblock as job searching is at the moment.

My plans for the weekend and week ahead include a lot of rest – I am truly exhausted after 2 full days and nights of more activity than I’m used to! Making sure I’ve got all my Christmas presents ready to go and, if not, shop for the last bits. Lots of wrapping. Lots of prep for baking and cooking. Plenty to keep me occupied.

I am mostly in a positive mood, but wouldn’t call myself happy. I still feel quite disconnected from most things and, even though I have happy moments, the feeling doesn’t persist.

My eldest son is home from college and that makes me a bit anxious as he’s the most entitled kid of the three. I plan to remain constant with my rules and boundaries with him. Fingers crossed for that.

Adoption

How do I really feel about adoption?

Other than exploring alternative feelings in therapy, I would always say I am very positive about adoption. I do not truly understand the stigma people feel related to adoption.

I was adopted the day after I was born, because my mother desperately wanted a child. She told me that she wouldn’t have stayed married to my father had they not gotten the call for me so many years ago. Her family was thrilled for her because she was the beloved only-child in a large family of cousins. I never felt anything less than wanted growing up, and never, to this day, question who my parents are. I even get a bit annoyed when people call them my “adoptive parents.” There is no need to label my parents other than parents, they raised me, loved me, cared for me and provided for me my entire life. My birthparents need a distinguishing label because they created me, but did not nurture or parent me. I literally gag when people refer to my birthparents as “your real parents.’ My real parents are the ones who raised me, no one else is more real to me than my parents.

I do get angry when people feel the need to distinguish the people who raised me with any moniker other than parent.

The back story of my adoption is very interesting, but much too long to share (literally deserves a book) so I will provide and edited version: Hank and Judy met in High School and were from different sides of the tracks, so to speak. Hank came from a wealthy and social family and Judy from a less-affluent family. Hank went off to college and during his first Christmas break, had sex with Judy. She got pregnant. I never asked him if they were having regular sex or not – I will have to ask him more details. It never really crossed my mind.

Just recently, I came across a family photo on Facebook of Judy around April 1967 – which means she was pregnant with me! The caption under reads “Family photo for Mothers Day 1967” a little bit of irony there, eh? The family was embarrassed she was pregnant out of wedlock and sent her away to live with an Aunt until she had the baby. She doesn’t recall much of my birth, because women were fully sedated in 1967, and won’t speak to me about the pregnancy. I don’t know how depressed she was, or if it was a healthy pregnancy. I know from our first conversation that I was a full secret to her family, and her parents did not want her to acknowledge me when I finally found her in 1996. I know she has real issues acknowledging me in general, but every once in a while her curiosity gets the better of her and she will reach out to me with a note on Facebook (though she will not friend me).

When I first found her, I was angry that she wouldn’t acknowledge me. I was trying to get pregnant and wanted my medical history. Because of this, I then pursued my birthfather. Finding Hank was en entirely different story.

Hank and his wife, Debbie, immediately welcomed me into their hearts and home. Hank and Debbie also had my beloved sister, whom I believe is the real reason all this fell into place at all. My little sister, Kiki, and I have developed a wonderful relationship over the years and I adore her. She just got engaged and I will be her maid-of-honor, even though I am 20 years older! Finding Hank’s family showed me how nature is just as important as nurture. Anyone who knows me and knows Hank would agree. I am his child through and through. I keep close contact with this family to this day, and my children call him Poppa Hank.

Once I found my birthparents the years have provided a more complete idea of my genetics, and maybe there was something in me that was silenced. Perhaps the intense curiosity of knowing who I was? Of why I did the things I did, or thought the way I thought? I don’t recall how I felt at the time I found them except satisfied. I was unlike my parents in most ways and everyone would always say “where did you come from!” because my mother was so gentle and I was not. I was a busy, hyperactive, curious child – that was too much of a handful for my parents. Looking back, I realize my mother carried the full burden of parenting, my father rarely participated in parenting unless it was to hit me for discipline. In any case, I don’t think I ever felt resentment towards my birthparents for giving me up for adoption because my life was really good. If my birthparents had kept me, I would have been a child of a single, unhappy mother. God chose a better path for me placing me into my mothers loving arms.

That’s pretty much my adoption story. In therapy we are exploring a few topics related to adoption. The idea that I wasn’t wanted/loved in utero (this one bothers me quite a deal) and the idea that I was abandoned by my birth parents. Honestly, I prefer to exclude these ideas in favor of the way I was actually parented, and how that affected my behaviors. While I still struggle with acknowledging anything about my parents parenting style (because my mother is not alive and my father is 82 – whats the point) I do see value in understanding and exploring my inner child and the lengths she went to in order to be seen, heard and loved – and how my needs as a child were not met with my parents parenting style and how that developed into bad coping mechanisms for me.

I am in the process of reading a book on how to re-parent your inner child, and I can’t say I love it. While I believe in the theory, the exercises feel just plain stupid to me. Drawing with your left hand (or non dominant hand) your inner child has more of an ability to speak to you. I can’t draw a straight line with my dominant hand so this exercise feels simply ridiculous to me. I have tried a few times now and I give up – this type of creative therapy doesn’t resonate for me. I will have to speak to the therapist today about that as she feels its significant that I can’t do the art therapy.

In my next few posts I plan to explore what I have rediscovered about my childhood. The memories I prefer to suppress in favor of the really good, positive and nurturing memories. I don’t know how much posting I will get to this week as I actually have to go back into the city a couple days…which is already causing me great anxiety.

Inner Child

Hello Madeline, meet Trixie.

Oh, you know each other already?

Hmmmm….

So work with my therapist has begun on my inner child. Basically, learning how to like and accept that young wounded girl and then learning how to re-parent her.

Truthfully, I don’t know how I feel about this work. I don’t like going back to revisit difficult things and I am a champion at forgetting bad things – also known as my stellar behavior to crucify myself on a daily basis.

A friend said to me: what you have been doing and how you have been doing it isn’t working, why not try another way? Open your mind and listen.

Because this is my nearest and dearest friend whom I trust the most, I agreed to try something different. This also includes a therapist who is also non-secular. I promised, while begging for life in Mexico, that I would try and turn to God. More on this piece to come at a later time.

This post is simply to introduce the idea of my inner child and how she will help me learn why my behaviors, especially my bad behaviors, have become my ultimate coping mechanism.

We spent a little time talking about my childhood and my parents. If you asked me, I would say I had a very good, and happy, childhood. That’s only partly true. I was a very dissatisfied child, worse so when my younger brother came on the scene almost 6 years later. I actually no longer dwelt on the cards I was dealt as a child, I thought – and still think, to some degree – going back to explore these issues doesn’t hold and value on how I choose to live today. I am aware of the things I was uncomfortable with in childhood, but prefer not to dwell. Further, I’ve been taught that it just sounds like privilege complaining. People had it way worse than me in their lives, my parents tried their best, my mother is no longer alive, and my father is nearly 82. What’s the point of reliving painful memories that can stir up old feelings of anger and sadness (amongst many other feelings) when I have moved past all of that?

Or, have I?

I am willing to explore it and think about it. Try to learn what I don’t love about myself that I allow so many others to determine my self-worth. And then learn how to love and accept all of me, so that I may share myself fully with others.

I will start with my adoption. I may have told the story in a past blog somewhere, but I’m going to write again. I will walk through some childhood memories and try to think about why my inner child is so unhappy and feels so unwanted. I think I have many answers already but I want to do the work in writing.

I feel a need to apologize to my mother in heaven before I start this work:

Momma, I love you more than anything and I’m sorry I was never the daughter you needed, but I loved you fully and know you would be so proud of the woman I’ve become. I know you won’t like this….I need to explore what’s making me so unhappy in my womanhood that must be stemming from my childhood. I no longer blame anyone, it’s only a process of realization. I know you didn’t like so many things I’ve done in my life that must have felt like direct attacks on your parenting, but you always, ultimately, supported me in the end. We were always uncomfortable together, you and I. It was never a fully harmonious relationship. We always questioned one another. I wish I understood you sooner so you could have felt more love from me than you did, but believe me, it was always there. You have, and always will be, my first love and number one. Please support this hard work I have to do. I don’t want to remember things that hurt because you are not here with me anymore and I feel it’s unfair, but I believe it can help. Please continue to stay by my side throughout. I love you.

Nightmare Analysis

Thanks to MaggieMay, I analyzed my nightmare from the other evening.

Here’s what I came up with that makes total sense:

Reflection / Mirror: To see your reflection represents your true self. This suggests you are pondering thoughts about your inner self. If you see a strange figure other than your own reflection, then it suggests that you are undergoing some identity crisis. You are not sure about who you are anymore. To dream you do not see your reflection implies your have lost your self-identity.

Seeing images though the mirror may be a safe way for you to consider and/or confront materials from your subconscious. You may be contemplating on strengthening and changing aspects o your character. Alternatively, the dream means that you are unwilling to acknowledge your subconscious emotions.

(I dreamed all 3: I saw myself, I saw strange figures, and I saw nothing reflected)

Ghosts: To dream that ghosts are trying to kill you implies that you are ready to confront your past and repressed emotions, despite how painful it may be. You are ready to move forward with your life and eave the past behind. If a ghost is choking you in your dream (the ghost was not choking me but I was unable to scream) then it means some past situation is preventing you from fully expressing yourself. Dreaming that you are being stalked or haunted by a ghost indicates that you are refusing to confront issues from your past which are affecting your present life.

(I dreamed that initially the ghost was stalking me, then ultimately trying to kill me)

Scream: To dream you are screaming symbolizes anger and fear. You are expressing some powerful emotion which you have kept pent up inside. If you try and scream and no sound comes out, then it indicates a sense of helplessness and frustration.No matter how hard you try and get someone’s attention, they cannot hear you. Your dream highlights your difficulty communicating with this person. You need to immediately identify your fears or feelings and confront this situation in real life.

(I dreamed that I was unable to scream until the ghosts were literally upon me, and then I was able to release the scream and woke myself up).

It seems the dream analysis is on point, and possibly more related to Tony that I thought possible. Thankfully, I have also learned that the Tony emotions are pretty much in the same bucket with the other crisis emotions I am dealing with: Mexico, Work, and my Family. All of these crisis coming at the same time are quite deeply buried … and my subconscious is definetly trying to get these emotions out from under.

In summary: I am clearly undergoing an identity-crisis at the moment and trying to confront painful, past memories and emotions (Family, Tony, Mexico, Work). I have been refusing to fully confront these emotions and felt helpless and frustrated. I have had difficulty communicating in all of these areas.

I thought this was a great and enlightening exercise!

I also think, that as crazy as some dreams are….the fact that this was truly a horrific nightmare of mine, and I haven’t had one in so many years, really does highlight the fact that I am digging deep to do the emotional work I need to get back on track.

Thanks Maggie!

Clean-ish Bill of Health

4 surgeries and 3 months of brainless-ness later, here I sit pondering the meaning of my life.

Since I don’t have any insight or answers, lets talk about my health.

I really liked my US surgeon, he is a good man and a great surgeon and always spoke to me with kindness, empathy and in a way I could understand what was happening with my body and why he was making the decisions he made. He also saved my life, so there’s that. Oh, did I mention he’s also super cute like in a Hospital Drama kind of way?

My last weight recorded in the US was 218 pounds. I am 5’8″ That’s not my heaviest weight, but it was my weight as of April of this year (Fuck you April, just sayin’). Todays weight was 167 with clothes on. Almost exactly 3 months post VSG (Vertical sleeve gastrectomy) and he was super happy with the sleeve itself and my progress. That’s 51 pounds gone forever. Honestly, I was worried I didn’t lose any weight this month and he said that’s fine considering the wound, but I need to continue to work towards my goal weight.

How does it feel to be (sort-of) instantly thin – pretty fucking amazing if you ask me. Would I do it again? The surgery? Maybe, but here in the US. Maybe the same thing would have happened, even here. No one knows. I was a risky candidate to begin with. I don’t know what choices I would make if I wasn’t in such a dark place. But, since I did do VSG in Mexico, and I did lose 51 pounds, I DO feel pretty amazing!

That is, until I get undressed. It’s really unattractive and I am going to have serious issues with getting undressed. At the moment, I would pretty much eliminate any casual sex – I couldn’t manage my own anxiety about what they think.

So, that puts the weight loss in a very strange place. I cleaned my closet and attic and have enough clothes to get through the winter. I still had my “goal” clothes from my weight loss challenge with Bobby – clothes I never fit into as I don’t think I ever dropped under 180-185 pounds. And they would have been a bit tight then, even. I feel good in clothes, I look great.

Luckily, I don’t have the hair loss that many experience and my hair looks gorgeous as it’s longer than ever.

My boobs fell, but due to a breast reduction when I was about 24, they still face forward! They fit back into my smaller bras, but I can see losing more weight from them unfortunately. My band is back to a solid 36 from a 40. I was a 36-26-38 at my lowest weight now 120 pounds at age 24-30.

My ass is gone and flat! Yikes! Less worried about the ass and legs as they will be the first to come back IF I exercise. At the moment the skin literally hangs around the bones and it looks old and yucky. I need to fix that.

My underarms are officially chicken wings. I downloaded some exercises for them. I have more creases at the upper arm/armpit due to loose skin.

My son mentioned my neck looks older and he’s right. I lost quite a bit in my neck and have to get my everyday necklace shortened as it now hangs too low. Speaking of jewelry, all my rings are now loose and swim on my fingers.

And…..I did email Peloton to restart my subscription today….so that counts as a CHECK!

Weight loss after trauma is just weird. It’s like I woke up and it was gone. A lot of that has to do with all the surgeries post the VSG – so I almost forget about the VSG as it was simple compared to what followed and the trauma I endured.

I also can’t decide if I am going to tell or not? I have told many people, but not all people. Would I have told if I just lost weight and no trauma? I don’t know. People are so judgey. There is NOTHING easy about weight-loss surgery. It’s not an easy way out of anything.

I joked with the surgeon today about how I traded one beauty for another. I look good when I’m dressed up, but underneath the wrappings, nothing is what it seems. I asked him how many lives he’s saved where people come in worried about their vanity months later and he realized I was making fun of myself. I suppose I need to be in good humor considering I had a death wish.

I sit and wonder how a man like Tony would view my scars….and how my future men will view them. Its going to be very, very difficult to embrace certain positions, that’s for sure.

I’ve got a clean bill of health from the surgeon, excluding the possibility of a hernia in the next year. I will take it.

Therapy is another story entirely.

I’m still working on the therapy part and I do my homework, sometimes. I liked the relationship book she directed me to and I feel I have completed as much of the work in there as I can up til today. Next is embracing my inner childs voice. I do worry about continuing therapy in the New Year. I will have to start a $6000/year deductible again with no job. I will have to decrease the frequency of the visits if I continue to not work, and that worries me a bit. I also need to get my kids in to her over Christmas Break.

My body is ready to get back to the work of living, now I just have to convince my mind.

Intuition

We have spoken about intuition so many times on our blogs. Women have especially keen intuition when they learn how to listen to it. Mine has certainly taught me much over the years.

We also know I actively ignore it.

It wasn’t intuition telling me not to date Tony, that was simple, straightforward facts I ignored. The intuition came into play during our relationship when I heard what I wanted to hear and didn’t allow my intuition to pick up on mild cues.

For instance, he was always actively worried about being caught post April 2017 when he spoke to his wife. That hadn’t happened in the first year. Then there were so many other cues I just didn’t pick up on as he grew tired with his situation and deceit. It was too hard on him to continue his lie and maintain the facade of “great guy all around.” That title really meant something to him. He spoke many times about his father would be disappointed in the way he handled his marital problems. Tony needed to be “the good guy” as he perceived his Dad. He needs the intact family and perception. There is value in that for him. I feel more disappointed for him that he will always be “somewhat” happy.

The reason I am rehashing is because I wonder where my intuitive voice is now regarding Tony. It’s silent. Maybe it still believes he could be the one for me. But my brain and heart have stopped allowing it. We have accepted defeat and acknowledged its over. But I do wonder why intuition is silent on that front. I know I am going to hear from him again. I also know I don’t have to. I can’t read any signs of why I still harbor any hope of any kind of relationship.

My intuition with Rob was right from the start. He likes me but he’s just not that into me. He’s not ready for me. That’s going to be ok. His communication style is so far off my own and I don’t like working that hard. I waited until today to send a text “Hey, Stranger” and got back a little bit “busy, busy, work, life etc” but otherwise, nothing meaningful. I also get the feeling he wants me to have more on my mind….he has referred to me getting back to work more than once!

I’ve met another man online and his communication started up well immediately. Easy back and forth questions. When someone is really interested they always ask about your kids and your friends. We will see how this proceeds. Some people are just easier to talk with I suppose.

My intuition is telling me to go slow now. I’m ok with that too.

But she’s very quiet on the job front. I have a very deep feeling things are going to net out for me because I will eventually work towards making it right again, I just can’t seem to get there yet. I do have to force myself to focus on something (even one thing) job related every single day for the weeks leading up to January.

My intuition on my kids….well the good news is the middle child and I work well at home together. But he also falters the most when I’m not here being Mom. It makes me sad to think this child needed a mother at home more than the others and I didn’t provide that. It really hurts. I do try to do more for them that costs me nothing: breakfasts, dinners, special little treats. Mostly food. They are teenage boys.

I don’t have an excuse. I went to the surgeon today and they cauterised my wound closed and I can go without bandages if I am comfortable. I will always have a small pool (dip) in my belly and my bellybutton is always going to be off to the side of the scar. They can slightly improve the appearance next year with plastics, but the damage will always remain extensive. The good news is that (one) I am alive and (two) my surgeon is very pleased with my progress weight wise. He released me back into “normal” life today – shower without bandages, exercise, eat well, work and play normal – don’t come see him for 6 months unless something (Like a hernia) comes up. Ok, I was expecting all that.

Overall, I’m more determined to listen to my intuition and slow down. I also read this amazing letter written by Angela Ahrendts written to her daughters and it includes advice about intuition. I worked under her many years ago and wished I stayed closer – she is now and SVP of Apple. I found this letter to be very inspiring and spot on.

Here’s her letter:

“Hopefully you won’t read anything in this letter that you haven’t already heard from me many times before. I’ve always tried to lead by example when we are together, so I will do the same in this letter by reminding you of a few thoughts that will help you navigate your incredible life journey ahead: Always be present, read the signs, stay in your lane and never back up more than you have to.

I have always tried to be present for you regardless of how old you were, where we were, or where I was. I wanted you to know that I am always there for you spiritually, emotionally and digitally. You never need feel isolated or alone. You know I am on 24/7 for advice, love, or just to share a funny filtered photo, bitmoji or laugh (even though I know I laugh inside). Being fully present, by listening, feeling, empathizing—always holding serious eye contact, and often the touch of a hand—builds trust. Trust builds confidence and confidence enables you to look forward, dream more and focus on others vs. yourself. Being present is the greatest gift you can give another person, and the greatest way to more closely connect with them. When you are present, you are living in the moment vs in your mind. You are seeing, hearing, and feeling another person, and together you are even more empowered to do great things. This is a gift that often comes more naturally to women.

I have also tried to share with you as many of life’s precious lessons and secrets as I can so that when I am not here, you have a solid foundation of learnings and values regardless of what potholes in life you may hit along the way. Stay open; always try to read the signs as you pass by them or they pass by you. I’ve often reminded you that there are no coincidences. Everything that happens in your life is for a reason or was predestined. Every book you receive, every new person you meet, everything you call lucky is a sign just waiting to be read. It is tough when you are young and so inward-focused, but once in a while you will look back, make the connection and then be more open to and curious about those signs in the future. You see, signs aren’t blatant or obvious. You have to be open and present to instinctively feel or intuitively see them. You’ve seen firsthand, and we have often discussed, the role signs have played in my life and the incredible things that have happened as a result of me listening and reacting to them. You are blessed as sensitive women to more naturally understand this.

You are fully aware of how blessed you are, the incredible gifts you were born with that your brother doesn’t have and the gifts he has that you don’t possess. You know how happy you feel when you are doing what you love and that comes so easily and naturally to you. So please, please, please connect to your passion, and then just stay in your lane. Great athletes, musicians, scientists, etc., all have an expertise that they focus on and perfect. Don’t let anyone persuade you to do anything that doesn’t feel natural or isn’t aligned with your values or God-given gifts. You know what excites you more than anyone else. The sooner you recognize your passions, and the more you focus, the happier you will be and the greater success you will achieve. Still, don’t worry if you don’t know exactly what your lane is yet. The path will illuminate itself so long as you stay present, open to the signs, and follow your passions. It’s all related.

Lastly, my loves, never back up more than you need to, and this means in life, not just when driving. Just as you are blind to what’s behind you while backing up a car, if you keep looking back in life and focusing too much on the past, you may find yourself running things over and over in your mind,often seeing or creating things that never existed in the first place. Even worse, living in reverse blinds you to what lies ahead: Your lifelong dreams waiting to be achieved, your destiny waiting to be fulfilled.”

Nightmare

Early this morning I started to come out of REM sleep locked in a nightmare.

Think of the Conjuring, Annabelle, Insidious or The Ring. Creepy kinda houses or freakish movements and little creepy girls with black hair out to get you. Weird noises, images and a weird house. I was locked.

I started to wake looking at myself in a mirror and saw something evil pass behind me, a blurry image of an evil girl. She was coming for me.

I kept trying to scream and I couldn’t. I wanted someone to help me, someone to hear me, but I couldn’t make a sound. It was stuck in my throat even though my mouth was open.

My head was down as I was trying to figure out why I couldn’t scream and when I suddenly looked up, the girl (there were two girls by then) were right behind me in the mirror with their hands raised in a menacing fashion to get me.

I finally released the scream and woke myself in time to stop the scream midway and not scare the hell out of my kids.

I haven’t been sleeping well the past several nights, so my friend thought Tony was the reason for my sleepless nights (at least subconsciously). But, unless Tony turned into a little girl with black hair, I don’t think so.

I also have only been watching HGTV shows like Fixer Upper, so it’s not from something visually related

My subconscious is working out something. I can’t recall the last time I had a real nightmare.

Any dream analyzers out there?!