US Soil

I have been all over this crazy, wide world but never, ever, ever (and I’ve been shot at through a civil war in Sri Lanka) was I so happy to cross the border from Mexico to USA.

I arrived to the San Diego airport in one piece. I’m sitting and waiting and enjoying trying some tea or Thai noodle broth (sans noodle) after 2 weeks of water and ice pop.

I am exhausted. My low back hurts. I have one pain pill to crush and take once on plane as well as a Xanax. I am as ready as I’m going to be.

I’ve got 4 doses of blood thinner in me.

This is the best I can do to get home. Otherwise, checking myself into and emergency room in SD seemed a bit more risky as my doctor isn’t here either. She suggested I go to the urgent care and let them scan me, represcribe better antibiotics and can’t cut me open again. This way I’m home and I can make any decisions needed with my own team of doctors.

I feel strong (ish). It’s hurts like a mofo as expected. But I’m going to get home. I know it. If a blood clot spreads in the air, I’m doomed. It’s a risk. A real risk.

The nurses wrapped my tightly in compression bandages so it’s a bit uncomfortable but does loosen over time. It also helps with pain moving as my belly is totally held in place.

I have to change my bandages once on my own before I fly. The lounge doesn’t have any private baths so I can determine if I just do this the moment I step on the plane. I have about 45 mins to decide.

Prayer for me that I arrive safely with no further complications.

Love y’all ❤️

Quick Update

Sorry to be MIA. Hasn’t been an easy week and typing a blog or reading one just haven’t had the desire or energy.

Don’t recall what I’ve written before but I am still in hospital in Mexico. I get to go to San Diego tmrw

I can catch a flight or check into an emergency room.

The doctors here think I will be fine to fly. I’m a bit scared due to the blood clot situation but I am on blood thinners which is the best current options.

As soon as I arrive home I would have to check into hospital in any case.

So recovering slowly but moving forward every day.

Thanks for your prayers

Small Update

Somethings not right. When I get my fluids and meds I feel fine. But about 4-5 hours after that I drop off into a cliff of nausea and pain and need more fluids and morphine.

I’m drinking and eating (soup broth and ice pops) as well as going to the bathroom and passing gas. I can walk and move with no problem. Everything looks good but I spoke to the doctor today and they want to scope me again and if necessary fix anything that needs to be fixed.

Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s slow healing due to all the fibrosis they found. I’m so scared and alone. The people who have been with me on Thai journey are texting and calling from everywhere to pray for me – I Am always fascinated at the kindness of strangers.

I’m wrapped up again for the surgical suite and waiting my turn.

Happy 51st Birthday to me.

Last Night in TJ

Saturday was pretty tough but we nailed it down to my nausea causing the pain and my BP To spike. The surgeon allowed morphine 3 times yesterday and I got through the last 15 hours much better. Had a terrible and disgusting gas accident but whatever was in there needed to move as it elevated some cramping.

Sunday started good with a small saline cocktail and I’ve been consuming lots of clear liquids. I stopped meds at 1 but by 6 pm I could feel the nausea and pain coming back. Nurses agreed to give me my saline cocktail early at 7, so I didn’t choose to take pain meds til now with the hopes I will sleep a little bit.

Completely stressed about flying tmrw.

Follow Up : Letter to the Wife

As much as I would love to read and respond to everyone’s great comments, I can’t focus that long yet! But thank you, truly.

First, I’m up and about. I’ve had complications, I’m ok, just in some pain. Questioning why the fuck I came to Mexico alone to cut out my stomach. This was a sort of death wish, I know. So I have to gather my will and get well and get out of here.

As for the letter, it’s so disjointed and vicious it’s not something I would send. It was my brain dump.

I do not actually want to hurt his wife – I want to hurt him and there’s no other way to do it plain and simple.

Do I want to dismantle his marriage? My answer to that is – I want to cause him irrevocable pain for lying to me and I do not believe under any circumstance that it will matter to his marriage when she finds out. It will be a blip in their life and they will go on.

I don’t want to be ugly like this which is why I wrote the letter: better out than in.

I don’t actually plan to send it, but one never knows with me. I do know that now is not the time. Now is the time for me to heal and I’m hoping getting over Bennett is a by-product if my body healing now.

Letter to the Wife

Bennett’s real name is Tony. I’ve debated putting the photo of the both of us up my Facebook or IG and let that sit for a while.

But I wrote this rambling letter instead.

Tony’s biggest worry is the destruction of your family but I doubt, knowing what a good mother you are, you would pull your children into this adult mess. Your family unit is obviously strong and I admire what you’ve built. But you’ve both allowed the marriage to fail and I made the mistake of believing Tony actually wanted to move his life forward, with me.

Kelly,

There is no appropriate way to tell

You what I am about to tell you because it’s horrible to hear. I can only give the reasons I am doing it for myself, and certainly I already know you don’t care about my reasons. But I suppose you should have some context. No matter what I say this letter is viewed as being sent with malicious intent. I’ve spoken to Tony about this letter at length many times and he said he would be the one to tell you. Did he?

Before I start, I will get one thing out of the way: I am foolish and heartbroken. I believed that somehow our affair would be different from any other affair. I believed we were soulmates and he would eventually be with me. He stated many times we were meant to be, there was no other answer for the way our lives collided. I knew I was wrong for a long time and didn’t accept it. In doing so, I have subsequently allowed this affair to destroy my life and affect my family. I know it has affected Tony as well but he has protected you and your family. I am sorry for being so stupid. I am sorry I believed your husband could leave his family to love me for the rest of his days. You couldn’t possibly call me any names I haven’t already called myself. I valued my love for Tony and my belief of him more than I valued my self worth. I believed he was my true love and I was so very wrong.

I have been in love with your husband for over 2 years. When we met our connection was instant and unreal. He called it being struck by lightening. He thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and he needed to meet me. He once said the world was all black and white around me and it was like I was living color. He said he was never truly himself until he met me.

I never experienced love, attention and commitment the way Tony demonstrated for me. I suppose I was so starved for attention, and his type of attention was extreme, that I made the fatal mistake of believing his words and actions.

For a very long time, almost a year, I believed in our fairy tale. I believed Tony wanted to be with me, he had told me many times about seeing our lives together, how deep his love for me was and how he had never felt the way he felt with me before. Of course, now I realize, he was fooling himself about the foundation of your marriage and the reality of his life, and I know you have a great life….. I know almost everything there was to know over the period of the first two years. He was never leaving your marriage, but he wanted to believe he could for a while. And during that time, I started to believe he was my “one” that soulmate we all look for. He believed for a while, too. We shared an intense kind of love for a time. The love I developed during that time has consumed me and is the primary reason I am writing this letter. I am so broken and have literally become unhinged from reality because of this affair. This is no excuse. It is my only truth, I have lost all sense of reality.

Its none of my business but he should be honest with you about the past 20 years of deceit. He’s cheated on you since almost the very beginning – at Anthony Poggolis wedding while you were right in the hotel. At Daniels when you were not around, multiple times. On business trips to LA or Madrid etc. At corporate Xmas parties. He even played spin the bottle with one of his friends in a hotel in Chicago. It happened multiple times In front of his brothers and friends. His buddies seem like a tight group that sticks to the man code and not tell on each other and their “excursions”. His brothers, his friends, and especially John knew all – but I suppose since his wife is your closest friend and she took her husband back, that Tony felt he could be honest with him. His xboss did a little lingerie show for him while you were pregnant and he’s been to several strip bars and made out with the girls there. Because he loves to kiss. Super bowl weekends. The stories are many and he considered them harmless. But they stack up over 20 years. His reasons are that you are not interested in sex and you make it too complicated for him. You make him feel bad that he struggles instead of actually participating in sex and enjoying it. When he tells you about these stories he will describe them as silly, petty, uneventful incidents. He couldn’t cross the line of having sex with these women, so it didn’t really count as cheating in his mind. He will tell you I am exaggerating. He told me it’s in his DNA to cheat and he’s never been faithful and probably never will be. That I was the only woman he was very sexually faithful to. Is that true? He hasn’t had sex with you since 2011? Not even so much as making out? And that wasn’t a massive red flag for you? He swears by this but I can’t imagine anyone being so foolish as not to take a closer look at her husbands behaviors. Tony is an amazing romantic and fulfilling lover – why in the world wouldn’t you admire and want to please someone who so obviously has such a hug sex drive?

When he met me people commented how happy he looked all the time but you didn’t notice?

In hindsight, while his cheating was wrong, he did hide it from you and kept a stable marriage. He did right by your family as a provider who was upset with his wife for staying home while he struggled. He always said he liked your story and that’s what your relationship was built on – a great story and the kids. He wanted his parents life, he wants to recreate what he had growing up. It wasn’t until your relationship with Mancini that something snapped in him.

He told me the last time you had sex was the summer of 2011 at a baseball tournament somewhere in a hotel with the kids in the bed next to you. He claims he tried for years to get you to pay attention to him and you rebuffed him multiple times. That you refuse oral sex which he loves. That you wouldn’t even hold his hand. That you made jokes with your female friends about not touching his cock because that’s where he urinates from. He tells me there is no physical or emotional intimacy between you for years because you don’t like it and when I met him he believed you no longer even liked him. He said you were never really interested in sex from the start. He also told me you don’t really have a life and little thought in your head beyond children so he couldn’t connect with you emotionally. That changed when you cried after he told you he was unhappy. It was the first time in years he realized you cared about your life with him.

I found out later he was on Bumble, Zoosk and Tinder attempting to meet women. He forgot to take his profiles down after meeting me. Or maybe he didn’t take them down on purpose and it’s all a lie. After all, if he cheated on you for 20 years it only makes sense he was always lying to me.

He told me, and blamed me, for the text you received. I did not send that text. But he was on dating sites and I was embarrassed enough to have a friend of mine find him there. I still have the photos. He claims that he has “needs” so that’s why he cheats. He blamed you for not understanding that marriages require intimacy so he felt entitled to cheat. Because you don’t concern yourself with fulfilling his needs, he masturbates and watches porn several times a day/week. When I met him he felt he was entitled to cheating. He claims he never had intercourse with any of these women before me.

He said the final straw was your “affair” with the baseball coach. He was sure he caught you doing something in a park when he was GPS tracking you. Now he doesn’t seem as concerned that you cheated on him because he’s lost his desire for you – but back then he was still horribly jealous of you. I believe he still is jealous but he claims he no longer cares. He claims your turning into your mother and it’s unappealing.

We spent so many wonderful nights and days together. I have never been so happy. He said he never felt more alive or more like being himself than he was with me. He told me you two didn’t speak, that you had no brain activity other than the kids. He said you cost him several good friendships from the neighborhood and couldn’t keep girlfriends. Of course I believed all this in the beginning but then realized it’s just his way of hanging on to the past and harboring stupid things. He told me you stole money from him before you were married and he never believed you after that. He told me either a few times You got so drunk when the kids were little that It disgusted him. He told me you are turning into your mother and it was the biggest turn off ever. He was mad you insisted on buying a house so soon after his father died. He never forgave you for not helping him through his fathers death. He has always been angry that you stopped working. He claimed you stole money while you were engaged. All these things – I see in hindsight – was just Tony creating excuses for not fixing your marriage. Both of you allowed it to fail in the intimacy department. Maybe you did or didn’t have any affair (I’m guessing you didn’t) but it gave him the excuse he needed to feel righteous about cheating.

When I heard all this the first time, it seemed like there was enough in your marriage to make him unhappy. That he wasn’t lying.

But he was lying. Not only to me but himself. I see now that you have a civil and caring relationship. Maybe there is no intimacy but you are a working couple with a good life and because I never had that, I didn’t understand the foundation of your marriage is a partnership. You have a very tight family unit but he claims he two of you have zero intimate emotional or sexual relationship and it would have made him miserable to live like that the rest of his life.

Last April, right after your 18th anniversary, was when he finally had the courage to speak to you about how unhappy he was in your marriage, because he was about to lose me, your tears scared and surprised him. He assumed you would be angry and throw him out. He even hoped maybe you were having an affair with someone else because you were not having sex with him. He realized he was not ready to leave the family and soon after told me he was unable to leave you because you would be unable to care for yourself and his family is his responsibility. He claimed you would never manage anything on your own because you can’t figure anything out, even the simple things like the kids school. He realized after that conversation he wasn’t ready to leave the family or your marriage. We subsequently had a terrible and horrible Summer compared to the summer before when we fell deeply in love.

The following year was not good for us as your marriage began to improve in its communication. We had several break ups before we got back together at my insistence. Unfortunately I am broken and weak and don’t want to live without him, even though he never was and never can be mine. And now he longer wants to be. So that’s my other reason for writing. I can’t fathom the man who told me all the things he did and treated me the way he did doesn’t want our relationship any longer. I can’t believe the things he promised me can just disappear into thin air.

So writing this causes the final break between as I know he will never forgive me for hurting you. He knows only one of two things happen – you stay or you go – and we all know you stay. You are not the type to leave. You are too weak alone. And you have him. Not matter what I outlined above – I was willing to take your seconds – so who could judge you for staying in whatvappears to be the happy perfect life? You will be angry and hurt for a while, but just like he said, you could never leave the life he provides for you. You like your life too much to let an affair ruin it, just as your friends have managed through it – so will you. And as weak as this sounds – my intention isn’t to hurt you but to hurt him – but I’m not foolish enough to think you don’t end up as collateral damage here. I am sorry for that. In my own way I have no desire to harm you or your children ever. He believes you will tell the children and ruin their lives as well. I claimed no mother would ever do that to their children – share adult marriage problems – but he insists you would do it to hurt him and ruin their image of him and his role as father, protector and provider is the most important thing in the world to him. From what I know of you, because he shines nothing but positive light on your mothering, you would never bring your children into this mess. What’s the point of hurting your children for the damage he’s done when you won’t leave him anyway.

You will believe, or not, anything I have written. He will tell another story. Of course you will believe him over me. He has this super amazing memory but I have every text, email and photo he’s ever shared with me for two years. He can tell you any version of the first year he wants – because his memory is so perfect – but I have it all in writing. I believed him when he told me he could never love anyone the way he loved me, that he always wanted to be loved the way I loved him and wanted to love someone as deeply as he loved me. He loved me so much he couldn’t contain himself. He cried with me all the time and showed the depth of his feelings. I spoke to him every minute of every day. He sang to me and recorded for me. I was as much a part of his life as an affair can be. He told me everything. We shared every part of our lives that an affair allows. He didn’t experience any sexual problems with me except nerves in the beginning. Our sex was amazing and we had a lot of It. He worshiped my body and I worshiped his. I slept on his arms in his chest all night. He would lie awake at night to watch me sleep and breathe because he was so in love with me. He sang me the most beautiful love songs and always included a special quote when he sent my flowers. He knew my favorite foods and drinks and would cut my food and feed me. He held my hand everywhere we went and couldn’t stop kissing me.

I wrote a blog during the time we dated and I have a record of virtually all the things he spoke to me about. He can claim he never told me that our future was together: sitting on the porch in rocking chairs – that I wasn’t just the next chapter but the next book. He believed in us. But he can say differently now.

He shared his life with me for two years when it wasn’t his to share. He was giving me leftovers and I understand how that looks from your point of view. But I’m not claiming to be some proud marriage wrecker. I fell so deeply in love with a man I shouldn’t have that I no longer have a will to live and raise my own family. I can’t function anymore and my children are paying the price of a depressed mother and it scares them. I am destroyed and have no self worth. I admit I am a completely broken and terrible person for doing this. I am all the horrible things going through your mind. I am sorry for dropping to this level but I have lost all control.

Tony was my life and love. Tony has been at my home many times and helped me with everything, met my children, visited at work, met my friends and showered me with love, flowers, dates and gifts. He was very good to me emotionally the first year – and he learned to let go where I could not. He helped me get my job and supported me and gave me advice through many things with work or the kids. He was my partner. He was the first and only man to show me what love should truly look like and how a partner should behave.

People think I have so much but I have nothing without Tony. Unfortunately for me, Tony doesn’t feel that way – he feels he has nothing without his family intact. He made that decision last year and we spent a year trying to establish something else that never worked. I know how pitiful all of this is. I know I have no self respect and self worth. But when he loved me, I had everything I ever dreamed of and I don’t know how to let go of that dream without just quitting my own life.

Tony can’t stand me like this: broken and pathetic. He only likes when I ignore my actual feelings because he is able

To compartmentalize his. Is that how you do it? Do you avoid him when he gets stubborn?

I am sorry this letter is cruel but how else do you know who you are married to? I can’t blame you, I still love him and would take him as he is. But if you are staying married, you should have fair

Playing ground.

I’m open to criticism and suggestions on the letter. I do not know what happens. Maybe it dies on the blog. MAybe not. But I had to get it out of my head.

The Night Before

I flew cross country and found my way to the meeting point. There were 4 others coming to the hospital today.

I’m not very friendly so I didn’t chat right away but eventually everyone sort of laid it all out there.

The hospital is very clean but a bit weird. I’m on a floor entirely alone until just a bit ago when someone came down in the room across from me.

The nurse did a check in for all of us and then brought us to our rooms.

Beyond that, I’ve only seen the maid who finally brought towels.

I walked around to find out where the nurses were and got myself some jello and apple juice.

I am having some kind of anger thing over Bennett so I wrote a letter to his wife and stuck it in my email. I still haven’t decided if I send it or not. I’m truly trying not to think of him at all. I try and focus but I am alone, scared and unhappy and my thoughts naturally go to him. I think I’m mad because he’s not here for me.

I am watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix and about to take my last sip of liquid in my full belly. Then I plan on a Xanax and Ambien to sleep. I have no idea what awaits me in the morning.

I really want to move on from him, I do. There’s a part of me that hopes I’m in so much discomfort this week that he isn’t on my mind at all. And then my focus must shift to myself.

Please let his grip release. I’m so weak from it.

The Start of a Journey

Here I am at the airport. I am nervous as hell. What if this is one big mistake?

My track record for surgery sucks but I am willing this to be different.

I need this reset.

I cleaned my closet and got rid of clothes I wasn’t wearing (fat or not fat, they should have been donated). I pulled out two dresses I could never fit into …. they were my goal dresses in early 2016 and I never made it to my goal.

Here are my stats:

I am 5’8″

Heaviest weight pre 2014: 255 lbs

Starting weight: 213.6 lbs

Weight today: 206.1 lbs

My goal weight is going to be 145 lbs. I haven’t weighed that since the pregnancy of my 3rd child in 2002.

I have fought weight my entire life. Up and down. I was about 124 lbs the day I was married in 1994. It was the only time in my life that anyone ever said I looked too thin. I struggled at 130 lbs but held 140-150 lbs for many years through my 20s and early 30s. It was the only period of time my weight semi-stabilized.

It’s too easy for me to gain weight and at my age now, too hard to lose.

I don’t need to be skinny but I need to drop these last 65+ pounds from my body for good.

I do worry about dropping shoes sizes since I have a precious shoe collection! And I’m worried about my boobs dropping too much. I am super busty with a 38H.

So let’s see how it goes. I fly into San Diego today and transfer to Tijuana for a hotel overnight. Then my surgery is scheduled for Friday morning. I can feel myself shaking but that could also be coffee withdrawal!

My Son Saved a Life Tonight

My youngest son is something of a lounge lizard. He’s my little babe that’s about 6′ and 260lbs. Every day I encourage him to eat better and move some more. It doesn’t usually work. And encouragement from a depressed mother probably doesn’t hold much weight.

But I’ve been trying.

He’s lightening smart and so handsome, just obese. He’s unlike his older twin brothers who are both slim, the way their Dad was in his teens. The way I was before hormones took over.

His personality is unlike any of ours. He has a wicked sense of humor like his Dad, and sincere thirst for knowledge like his Momma, but a gentleness, kindness and natural empathy that is unlike the rest of our family. He’s just a great all around kid. Even his older brothers idolize him, which I see to be unique from other families. The older boys adore their younger brother.

He loves his video games, YouTube and Netflix. He spent most of this summer locked in his bedroom playing his games or sleeping.

For an ambitious person like me, it’s hard to see him waste these precious teen years locked away and not breathing fresh air. But we have literally had screaming fights to get him out of the house for a 15 minute walk around the block. While I don’t care if he doesn’t speak to me for an hour as my punishment, I can’t physically move him – he’s just too big. So – some days he gives in because he’s sick of me pushing and other days he just doesn’t care what I do – he’s not going anywhere. And I am always sure to ask between games so that excuse is not relevant. He is, like me, not motivated to move.

In any case, Sunday he was, as usual, sitting in front of his monitor playing with his friends. They have a great social game as they play and I often listen in to the conversations. They talk about all sorts of things. I’ve learned more from all 3 because of covert listening at doors than anything they tell me directly.

So, he’s playing his game and I am downstairs making dinner. He comes down and asks to call his friends mom right away because he’s making strange noises for too long on the headsets and no longer responding to his friends insistent plea to stop joking.

I immediately face-timed the mom (who was at a neighborhood party) who got home in time to call the paramedics. The child had a seizure while playing the game. And his friends caught it, didn’t make light of it, and my son, truly worried, asked me to help.

When I asked him how he knew his friend wasn’t joking he told me “because his game character stopped moving” and (if it was a joke) it went on too long.

The boy is ok, they don’t know what caused the seizure but it was caught in time to help him and he will see a neurologist this week.

I’m so proud of my son and his friends. They are a great group of kids and they know each other since preschool. I’m not as sure of my older boys would have reacted the same way…I would hope so, but they are more selfish than my youngest and may not have taken it as seriously.

And, I may complain slightly less about him playing games so often.

Long Days

When you don’t have much to do, and no prospect of the future bringing something different, it can be quite boring.

I sleep close to 10-11 hours each night. And I’m still tired. Part of that is depression, part of that is the lethargy of a liquid diet.

I read so many books in August I got book lethargy so I took a break. I plan to bring 2 books to Mexico.

I had to start taking laxatives and everything goes though me like water so I’m not far from the bathroom. When I drink I am consciously trying to slow myself down from gulping. They say that’s going to hurt later on so I’m trying to practice sipping now. I sleep on my tummy with my mouth open and sometimes I wake in the night dying of thirst and my tongue scaly like a lizard skin, so I down an entire bottle of water….I won’t be able to sleep on my tummy or drink that fast so I wonder how that will work? Speaking of, what happens after a workout? I can drink a full bottle of water full on when I’m working out and sweaty!

I have had lots of my Isagenix product leftover so being on mostly liquids wasn’t as challenging as I thought since I’ve done something “close” back in 2014. I like the protein shakes and drink mixes. I even found a peanut butter powder additive that makes them absolutely tasty! I am such a peanut butter addict! I miss chewing and recall that sensation when I did the fasting on Isagenix. It’s a weird thing not to chew for a while.

I cheated yesterday because I made the stereotypical bbq for Labor Day and couldn’t resist a hot dog! I took two big bites. Perhaps that was my food funeral.

One of my friends who has the sleeve told me her dirty secret – she stopped losing because she worked through the pain of eating things she just wanted to eat. I’m pretty sure it feels as horrible as it sounds. She lost 70 pounds and then kept her food addiction. The entire point is to break the addiction, not find a way around it. I truly hope this is what I am able to do.

I purposely haven’t had any Prosecco for close to a month now. It may be my favorite drink but I don’t think it’s worth any pain. It was the only carbonated beverage I drank.

I have been trying to move more every day but yesterday and today were lame….I love the Netflix series “Ozark” and have been binging. The second season is like a race to a heart attack, it’s so good. So I barely got in 2k steps but I did ride my bike for 6 miles and then 10min arms and 5min abs on the Peleton app yesterday but didn’t make more than 2500 steps in both days. Not a complete failure, but I need to really focus that the 10k steps should be considered the price of entry on a daily basis.

Bennett has been on my mind. I know it’s because I’m ovulating. I cannot allow myself to text him. I need to just focus on something, anything else until the feeling goes away.

Two small wins for the day were my company extended my benefits for a month (the package said they were complete on my last day and it caught me by surprise) and my second son likes his local college film classes. Exercise didn’t happen, but I accomplished small errands such as getting a birthday package out to college son 1 and birthday card/gift for college son 2. Also made it to the bank.

My goal for tomorrow is some exercise, send two resumes, pack and a pedi/mani. It’s my youngest first day of school so it will require an early morning breakfast for everyone!

Today counts as our last day of summer around here and I welcome the start of our Fall routine. The weather may even cooperate.