Back to Nothing

I thought the little getaway would perk me up. 4 days of sex, fun and sun and then stopping to see a friend in a new city on the way home for a night.

Did I have fun? Sure.

But now the fun is over and I’m back to nothingness. I’m so bored I can’t motivate myself.

I’m also in a financial panic. I’ve been waking up with night sweats and a sense of complete panic because of the debt I’ve put myself into. I have NEVEE been worried about money and clearly part of the reason I’m in so much debt is because I don’t even know how to worry about money. There’s always been a good job and more money. But now there’s not. The thought that I’m about to topple all the years of hard work for being thoughtless about money is sickening to me. This is the quality in me that my x railed against daily. Oh how he hated this part of me. Of course, I couldn’t see it this way when I was working and earning. Nor should he have treated me that way when I was working and earning – I just needed to learn moderation and temperance and not be extremely limited the way he managed me. My ability to ignore my true circumstance has now led me into a debt I’m no longer sure I can handle and I’m scared to death.

I am beginning to become immobilized.

I cannot find a job. Any job. Even one that pays 1/3 of my past salaries – which would take me back to earning what I earned in my 30’s ! There is nothing out there I can get my hands wrapped around. I’m still on unemployment at the moment so taking “any” job isn’t an option if it won’t net more than the unemployment.

I have to start looking at alternative careers and I don’t even know where to start. The thought of having to sell real estate is sickening me. And if I feel that way, I won’t even be good at it. I don’t mean to diminish anyone’s role in life but I don’t want to sell real estate. I want to do the job I have worked for my entire life, the role I’m trained for. I just want to work in my career field. Writing this is making me ill.

Compound this with my inability to be actually do anything at home. I could clean cabinets and closets and get shit done but, instead, I’m back on the couch binge watching. I’m sure no one knows my life is falling apart, I never give that outward appearance. But I’m spiraling.

I haven’t even heard a peep from Dan since I left Florida. How crappy is that? I didn’t really expect to, I guess. Maybe I did. But something after 4 days and nights together? Something? It makes me feel used. But didn’t I use him, too? These feelings are so conflicted. I want more from him but I don’t really want him. I didn’t feel any pull toward wanting more from him and I suspect that’s because he makes it abundantly clear he doesn’t want more from me in his own actions. I don’t know if that’s intentional or not. I don’t know if I will hear from him again or not either. I don’t see any reason I wouldn’t, when he has business in my city again, but who knows. I’m not dwelling on him or the situation, but I am beginning to wonder what is so wrong with me that no one wants me. No one.

I haven’t stopped exercising. It’s my one thing I hold on to to keep my sanity. Somehow I have also be invited to the “inner sanctum” of the Peloton group I’m in. I suspected there were cliques behind the scene and I had pretty much identified the “cool kids”. I was always in their peripheral sites because I’m engaged in the social media and the live studio. One of the girls was coming to NYC and asked if I could do a studio class with her and I spent the day with her (I do this for anyone in the group who asks which is becoming more common as I become more “well-known” in my group). The friend I met on the way home from Florida was also in this side group and I hadn’t met her IRL either. We connected in person immediately as I was drawn to her. After meeting these two, I was pleasantly surprised when I was invited “in” to the inner group and their daily communication. I’ve never been in group chats with “friends” who talk about anything. Like there’s no filter. It’s interesting. I don’t necessarily think I’m going to dive head first into suddenly having a new close friend group, but this group chat and engagement is a nice thing to be a part of – even if it’s just one more virtual connection. I’ve been invited to a gathering as well, if I can get to the other side of the country. Would I enjoy it? How would I “really” in? When someone has nothing to do and nothing on their mind, this at least adds some distraction for me.

I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m quickly losing all or any motivation I may have had and starting to become depressed. Not like the summer of 18 depressed, but sinking into an apathy I can’t shake.

And, an interesting note, I mentioned I had blocked Tony and his multiple alter egos from my IG when he was stalking. I also sent him a text calling him out on it. I unblocked him last week (which I clean out all my blocks every couple months so he was part of this). He’s back. When I saw him this time I just thought “oh well, if you really want to look, go ahead”. It’s not a show. My IG is real life and my life isn’t all that exciting at the moment so he’s not seeing much except my Peloton activity. I have given thought to him – what if I bumped into him, how would I feel? My heart made no jumps. I miss what we had. I miss how he made me feel. I miss him. And I realize how over it is and how damaged it always was. It makes me sad that I haven’t had any functional and healthy relationships in my life and the one that I consider the most perfect was probably one of the most flawed.

I feel like I don’t add any value to life. This is the same question I was facing when I went to Mexico. The difference then was I didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with such a big challenge. I’m not sure how well I will deal with it now, but I know I’m not throwing my life away because of it this time. I just need to find a way to regain control. I need a new path. At the moment I’m so covered in weeds I’m having trouble seeing and breathing.

Getaway

I haven’t been writing because the truth is there’s just nothing going on. And when I mean going on – not that I don’t keep busy – but my brain feels empty. I feel a bit like I’m disappearing if that can be a thing.

I’m still feeling sorry for myself for all the same reasons prior to the holiday. I ended up so very sick before Christmas that I almost cancelled. The apathy was so strong and layering in a nasty sinus infection made me just lose interest. I was surprised at myself, but that’s where I landed. The apathy created a hole I couldn’t fill. I was feeling like no one really cared what I did or how the holidays went. It didn’t feel important. When I’m not feeling loved I just want to disappear into myself and be left alone – which simply makes it worse, I know that, but that’s what happens.

I ultimately had to convince myself that I would regret not doing all the normal Christmasy things so I found the energy to be present and do the things. I feel sad that the woman who took such joy in these things wasn’t around. A little death, if you will, for the old me. I was there but not in spirit. I’m don’t even think anyone noticed and just assumed I was sick.

Without a doubt I know I need attention. I’m not getting it. Not from my kids. Not from my friends. No partner. No job. A total lack of attention coming my way. It just compounds how crappy I feel. I stay as connected as possible to my Peloton groups because I do get a certain amount of attention there. I’m developing new relationships that start virtually but which I can continue IRL. It doesn’t replace my true long term friendships but it does create a sense of belonging for me. There’s a part of me that is saying “this is a false sense of belonging, you can’t belong to society virtually”. There’s another part of me that says “who the fuck cares, it makes you feel good where you have nothing and no one else”. I don’t know which side of my brain is even right at the point so I do what feels good. It’s a bit like blogging I suppose. Here’s my life in writing and some people interact with me creating connection.

Anyway, not even the reason I started this post. I think you will be proud of me regarding dating. I know I have finally gained a little control over myself. Maybe without all the stressors and pressures of real life I can more clearly see the shit my subconscious has done to me with dating and I’m able to put Trixie on complete lockdown. Not having a feeling of desperation is a relief frankly.

I shut down the dating apps right after Halloween and maybe before Thanksgiving. Somewhere in that period after the last date I had sympathy sex. It wasn’t easy because I needed my ego to be stroked over the holidays and wasn’t able to have that from a partner, even if they were temporary or incompatible partners. In any case, I succeeded in staying off until last week.

I had met Dan around Halloween and we’ve been on a few dates. He doesn’t live here so I’m at his mercy for travel. We already agreed there was nothing more or less to our interactions than enjoying one another. His lack of communication still aggravates me but I generally get over it as quickly as it comes. He shows zero interest until he can meet me and then makes plans. When I’m with him he’s totally focused. We have a fun time. The sex is really good. His cock is literally perfection. There is no depth to our connection.

I caved against my better judgement and asked him what he was doing for NYE hoping he would ask me to join him so I didn’t have to be alone. He originally thought it was a good idea and then decided he would be home (or rather available) with his (older) children. However, he did tell me he was traveling just after the new year and asked me to join him on a short vacation before his work event. I agreed.

So here I sit in the sun by the pool after a weekend of sex with him. He is here for a week and I chose to arrive early Saturday and leave Tuesday. That seemed like enough time to spend with a stranger I wasn’t interested in cultivating a further relationship with.

It’s definitely not easy for me to interact at arms length. I want the romance and silly engagement a love interest brings. But I KNOW that’s not what this is or what it ever will be so I keep reminding myself not to attempt to solicit it from him. I am certainly operating in a strange space. There’s no hand holding, cuddling and giggling. There’s a little of it, of course, but it’s not the constant engagement you get when someone really likes you. There’s a huge part of me that keeps thinking “why don’t you like me MORE?!” That’s the part that wants to see what I can do to engage him more. My common sense has prevailed and I haven’t done any needy moves at all. Not once. That’s why I think you would be proud of me. No tricks. No ulterior motives. I give back what I’m getting. We engage nicely, we laugh together, have really good conversation and we like to drink together. It leaves me wanting more but I think what stops me is I simply know I don’t want more from HIM. It’s a little hard at moments to not be sad I can’t have a normal dating relationship, then I remind myself that he likes me enough to have invited me to spend time in a beautiful resort, all paid for by him, and there’s nothing wrong with where I am right now. This is ok. My person will come.

I can be mostly at ease with him and just talk about whatever I want. I don’t have to worry about how I’m perceived in terms of keeping the relationship. In that respect it’s a bit easier because I’m not always thinking around the corner. I’m just enjoying the time. On the other hand, I can’t be the person I am in relationship that I really like – I like that girl who fawns over her partner and has love in her eyes. I like that connection, the attention and appreciation. I can’t even leave my eyes open during sex, looking into his eyes is just weird. Feels wrong. So I keep them shut, which also feels wrong but it’s the only way I can immerse myself into the feeling of simple sex and eliminate the “need” for heart felt connection. And the sex is really, really good so I am enjoying it immensely.

The whole thing is weird. Not as in wrong, just a new, strange experience. I feel like there “should be” more and I feel like I want more, but my brain is actively overriding my emotion and shutting that shit down to keep it where it should be. It’s an extended booty call.

Learning how to accept comments for face value and not look for more isn’t easy for me. Accepting there is nothing more coming is a new feeling and not a comfortable place for me. However, just like exercise, I now understand I’m going to grow because of the discomfort and that it’s ok to live in an uncomfortable space for a while.

We get on well. He’s really, really good in bed and has the most amazing body for a 52 year old man. He’s not bothered by my scars or loose skin and has clearly told me they don’t matter to him at all. He’s super smart so I enjoy our conversation. I’m not particularly attracted to him so there’s this part of me that wonders how I am managing that disconnect so subconsciously.

So here I am, sitting in the sun even though it’s a little chilly, writing this post and drinking my coffee. About to get motivated to get a workout in at some point today. Not thinking much which seems to be the only way I get through these days of late. Like I said, I feel like I’m slowly just disappearing.

Frame of Mind

It’s been a minute since I’ve written.

To be honest, I don’t have much going on.

Not much is going on. My sister got married and I’m glad the wedding is over and the relationship tips back to normal. I realized I didn’t feel very good through most of this prep. In some ways, I feel like an imitation sister. I’ve been adopted my whole life and never really felt quite like I did during the wedding. I felt like a throw-away, someone she had there because she had to, not because she really wanted to. I felt the strength of her connections with her friends and felt like an outsider. It’s not me she relies upon or me she calls for advice. I’m not even sure how to cultivate a better relationship with her exactly. I don’t get the sense it’s something she really wants – or wants more of. I’m unsure what I want from relationship with her. I suppose it’s just one more person I don’t feel important to and this seems to be a theme in my life.

I was asked to do a podcast, two actually. One was about life struggles and how individuals overcome them and the other is about strong, accomplished women. I finished the first one and found the process super interesting. In the first pass, I understood the interviewer wanted to focus on the Mexico story and travel weight-loss surgery. I was able to tell the sorry quite easily with no emotion and plenty of humor. In the actual interview, there was a significant change to my story because all my emotions were stirred up (made for a very good interview). The emotions caught me by surprise. I have pretty much buried Mexico and what happened to me. The horror of that experience is not something I want to revisit. I acknowledge I carry a great deal of shame for choosing weight loss surgery, wanting to die and subsequently what happened to me post surgery. In particular, I purposely try not to dig too deeply because of the one fact that continues to haunt me: no one came for me. Even when I begged, no one cared enough to come for me. I was dying at one point, I was terrified, and those closest to me couldn’t come.

Logically, I understand why. Emotionally, I can’t address it because I don’t see any other choice but to forgive them and accept what’s happened. They made a choice the same way I made a choice. I don’t think they didn’t come to penalize me, I just think they had other priorities. I don’t even know what I would have done had the tables been turned. Which leads me to a feeling I’ve buried most of my life and pushes me to the outskirts of my depression – I am not anyone’s priority.

We spoke about this in the interview and I definitely had a hard time working through this part of the story. In the end, we edited it out because I don’t want to upset the people who were there for me. And they WERE there. Just, perhaps, not physically. I am worried if I were to ever express the truth of how I felt that I would be considered ungrateful. After all, Mexico was my bad choice and I should live with its consequences.

Since the interview I’ve been struggling with these thoughts because, like I mentioned, I’ve buried them pretty deeply and they simply only cause emotional distress for me. I also don’t see a way to resolve these feelings other than learning to accept what’s passed and move on.

But then there are days, and unfortunately there are many of them recently, where the thought of not being anyone’s priority eats me alive.

My long time closest friend, the Spanish speaker who translated Spanish for me while I was in Mexico, changed all my bandages when I was home, my maid of honor and godmother to my son, is always too busy for me. I never see her or speak to her and I’ve grown tired of constantly asking to see her. She finds time for what’s important to her and I’m not it. Now, if I really needed “help” she would be the first one here. That’s because she finds her own value in helping others. It’s great to have a friend like that, but I love her dearly and would like to connect with her more frequently than once a month. Mind you, I’m not working and I’m very flexible so it’s twice as upsetting when I have the time to spend with her and she basically can’t find the time for me.

My closest cousin, the one who was very busy working to get me out of Mexico and who probably invested the most time in figuring shit out while I was there, comes from a massive tight knit family. Her family will include me in many functions and I love to participate. I’m so happy when I’m with them and I always enjoy myself but I go through some sort of let down once I leave them. I find myself wishing that was my primary family. Once again I feel like I’m on the outskirts looking in.

My kids have really been much better than last year and I am VERY thankful for this change. I try not to push them too far forward too fast because, again, I don’t want to appear ungrateful for the strides they have made. Logically I know kids are kids and boys are boys, but I often feel that I hold no importance. I know this isn’t true and this is just my neediness. I want more demonstrative love and this is just not their way. They really have been good kids lately and I am trying not to put them down in any way because of my own neediness.

I still don’t have a job and there has been NOTHING to be found. I am so over my head in debt for the first time in my life that I am beginning to feel panic rising at the back of my throat. I keep telling myself I just need to get through the end of this year and things will change. I will find a job and be able to pay down my debt. It’s the first time EVER that I am truly scared about the debt I’ve created. People keep asking “what will you do?” And this is becoming frustrating. I don’t know. I don’t know what I will do. Am I wasting time not “doing something else?” I don’t even know what that can be. If I have to become a realtor I would rather die. I am good at my job and want to stay in my industry and would even consider relocation. There are just no jobs out there. Not even consulting ones. I am officially out of money by Feb 1st and have to take from long term savings to survive. This is creating an angst in me that I’ve never experienced. All of this makes me feel like I’m not worthy of being hired. I’m too old. I’m too expensive. (Even though I would take half my last salary). I’m over-qualified. I’m so disappointed in myself that it’s becoming very hard to remain positive.

Then there’s the dating, or better yet, the lack of it. Before I shut down the apps I knew I had hit a low point with my last sex date with Chris. I knew I had to stop what I was as doing because it wasn’t how I wanted to feel. There were two men, both from out of town, that I felt would make good on/off dates when they were here because I could keep them (or keep myself is a better way to say that) at arms length and not invest in the emotional chase. Sex with Dan is pretty good and we have a blast when I see him, but his communication is so horribly inconsistent I still end up aggravated. The other guy, Tom (don’t even think I wrote about him) started off well, we had two fabulous dates, and then his communication and attention plummeted. This is so fucking frustrating to me and puts me right back into the thought pattern of “why can’t I be anyone’s fucking priority?” Not even a small priority. I don’t even think priority is the space I’m looking for as much as just being someone they think about and WANT to reach out to sometimes.

I’ve gained some weight – which isn’t a bad thing but it’s fucking with my head. I had dropped so low, most would say too low for me, that I needed to regain some weight. But I haven’t stopped gaining because I haven’t curbed my eating. Even with all my cardio I’m not losing because I’m eating all the time. I don’t eat much at once but I eat all day. As you can imagine, this screws with my head after weight loss surgery. There was the sick part of me that liked being so thin. That liked seeing that low number on the scale. My goal was always 150 but I loved seeing 130. Sitting around 140-145 isn’t unhealthy but I don’t like it. I want to stay sub 140. That space felt good in my head for the first time in my life. I’m so sick of struggling with the numbers on the scale that I just want them to stay put. Weight loss surgery doesn’t cut out the demons. They are all still there and the effort it takes to quiet them is immense. The only time they recede is under that 140 mark. It doesn’t seem to matter that I’m actually in the best physical shape of my life, my arms look beautiful, my legs feel amazing and I love being stronger than ever and rarely out of breath anymore. The numbers on the scale fuck with my head worse than ever. Especially since I saw what I needed to see for the first time in 20+ years. That number on scale “helps” me forgive myself for the damage done to my body and how badly my stomach looks with its wounds and loose, hanging flesh.

Speaking of wounds, here was a little bright spot. When having sex with Dan, he gently kissed my wound. I knew it was intentional. He also made sure to tell me post sex that he loved my body and the wounds don’t bother him at all, he doesn’t even see them. I appreciated that immensely. I believe him also. It doesn’t change how I think about my tummy, but it does help to calm me down a bit, as long as I can get my weight back down.

So that gets to me to my current frame of mind: not good. Not good at all.

Not working, not dating, not having enough good, consistent sex, not having any money are all very bad places for me to be. My ability to not be depressed is quickly eroding.

I am doing what I can. I actively look for jobs and network. I continue to exercise – although I should be stepping up my game considering I’m unemployed. I bought a studio 10 pack so that I get myself into the Peloton studio and interact in person. I continue to support others in my accountability groups though recently I feel like I am being false. It’s an effort to Log into social media to be positive and emote positivity and gratefulness when I don’t feel it. I do logically understand I have much to be grateful for but I am horrible at making this a practice I believe in. It’s also why I push myself into my accountability groups the same way I pushed myself to get dressed In Workout clothes at the beginning – I will fake it til I make it. This is taking way longer than the 100 days I committed to making fitness a priority. Wayyyy longer.

This time of year warms me and depresses me all at once. I want a boyfriend. I want my person. I want the person who is going to make me a priority. I haven’t had that since pre marriage, since a childhood boyfriend. When I think about it I only feel more damaged and broken. There too many things keeping me down, and too many things making me feel like I’m not important to anyone. I know all about self love and it’s not working for me. Sure, I haves plenty of moments where I am doing a decent job taking care of myself and my family, but I don’t feel any reward in it. It’s. A horrible place to be as I think about this being the 5th Christmas and New Years that I will once again be alone.

Little Tiny Pity Party

I’m having one of these for myself at the moment. I’ve felt it coming in between the dating, my sisters wedding and no work. I’ve been able to put it off but it’s finally arrived – and like all things Madeline – it sucks the physical energy from me which I have no control over.

It’s always amazing to me how strong my unconscious mind is that it can control my body.

I always worry now about falling into a deeper pit of depression. Last year was some serious wake up call to just how strong my mind is when it’s blackened by depressions and anxiety. You know I don’t even recall last summer or getting to Mexico. I feel like it happened to someone else. Even lying in hospital for the 5 weeks I’ve nearly forgotten.

At the moment I am truly worried about finances. I am heavily in credit card debt for the first time since divorce and see no immediate way out. I can begin to dissolve my retirement savings but trying not to do that until next year due to the tax implications. There are NO jobs out there. Literally none. And we have entered into a dead zone for job hunting around the holidays now.

I am sad that another holiday season will pass without a man. I’m reflecting on the fact that I’ve never had a really solid relationship since my teens/early twenties – if you can even count those. I question all the time what I’m doing wrong that I can change to find a match. I’m not looking right now as I promised myself a break – which I need – but just trying to evaluate a better way to go about making a good match.

Luckily, one of the 3 big issues from last year that caused the breakdown has improved drastically. My kids have really matured during this year and I’ve found a better cadence with them. It’s not always perfect, but they have matured to the point where everyone is more comfortable at home together and there’s little to no daily struggle anymore. Yes, of course, at their ages this should be expected – but a year ago it wasn’t happening and I was at my wits end being a parent. I realized I wasn’t communicating enough with my kids. I was protecting or shielding them from anything I felt they shouldn’t worry about as children. As much as some of this was right, my mistake was not speaking up more often. About how I was feeling, about life in general. I’m learning how to do this with them now and find they are much more communicative with me.

Im struggling with getting out of bed, and once I do, getting off the couch. The funny thing now is – I work out – then get right back on the couch. I need to self-impose a schedule despite the fact I don’t have anything specific to do. I also need to assign myself small tasks to complete each day. I know what I need to do, I’m just failing at actually doing it.

I had committed to a weekend Peloton event which I’m now regretting financially since it will be expensive. But I had already paid for more than half and it’s a healthy event (good for mind and body) so I am following through with it. After this, finances must be on lockdown so I don’t create additional debt. My sisters bachelorette and wedding put me back a few thousand and I didn’t even give her a gift yet (I’m sure she didn’t like this but I explained I will have to owe her).

Speaking of my sister, she wasn’t so great in the lead up of the wedding or the wedding day. I sat back and did what I thought I should, when I should. I felt like I was invisible as compared to how she treated her friends. It was a pretty crap feeling but I had felt it coming since her shower and had already experienced it at her bachelorette. I know this added to my general feeling of malaise. That, and the fact that I didn’t have a date at the wedding and my boys were bored out of their minds. I considered speaking to her about it but I’m pretty sure I’ve decided to just let it all drop. The relationship will tip back to normal now that we don’t have to be full on with one another.

Trying to get through this moment and looking forward to a fun weekend filled with new friends and activity and a nice Thanksgiving.

Sometimes I Surprise Even Myself

I posted about the IG stalking and the burner text last week and read through your comments. I always take the comments to heart because many times you see things for a different perspective than I do.

I was happy Trixie was contained pretty quickly – the text was dumb but it ended there for me.

What really surprised my was he was still looking even after the text and his that made me feel.

I didn’t want him there.

The past weekend was my sisters wedding and I figured I would be posting quite a bit. Why should he see? Or, if it’s his wife, why should she? Either way, I didn’t want them seeing or sharing in any of my family moments.

So I blocked him.

I was too busy to check over the weekend who was looking at my posts, but today when I had a bit more time, I looked. And I didn’t like what I saw.

Remember when I spotted him on a live Peloton ride and I went and gave him a “high-five” and he went and changed his name immediately? Well, suddenly I had a new person looking at my posts with his Peloton name – so of course I knew it was him. I checked the profile, it was a new profile with no photo and no posts which reinforced it was him. So I blocked that name too.

Now that bothered me. I don’t know why. But it did.

Why does he want to look so badly that he goes and changes his name? He could have replied to my text differently rather than sarcastically and chose not to. But he is stalking.

Hmmmm.

I changed my profile to private while the wedding posts cycle through (they are only up for 24 hours) I don’t like to keep my profile private because that’s how we interact with one another in the Peloton community. But I can open it up again later this week.

Anyway, both are blocked and I will be on the lookout for any new ones.

What do you think?

One Date Too Many – A Follow Up

Sad to say, I lost a favorite ring the night I had my date with Chris.

I had to contact him to get his last name and out room number to see if there was any chance in hell they found it at the hotel. I knew the chance was slim but I had to try. I hated to have to reach out to him, but I did.

I apologized for bothering him and explained what in needed.

He was so gracious in his reply I couldn’t help but share his last text. There are good men out there, I just need to find the one for me.

You’re very welcome Madeline. I’m sorry about your ring. I feel badly because it’s probably my fault that you took them off. If I hadn’t been squeezing your hands so tightly….. 🙁

I’m glad you thought about me. 😊 I’ve thought about you as well.

Unfortunately, I agree with you that we aren’t the right match, I’m all outdoorsy, you know, Lol! I do however think you’re a wonderful lady, very, very attractive, great personality, funny, fun, playful and oh so very sexy!!! Did I mention you’re a great kisser too?!! Yum! I had a lovely time with you, I just wish we would have had a bit more time! 😉I really enjoyed our date and I’m very happy that we met. I’ll be thinking about you.😊 I really appreciate your honesty as well, I’ve had women disappear on me before too and it is a crappy feeling. You’re a good woman Madeline – it is harder to be honest, but it’s the right thing to do and I appreciate you for doing it, says a lot about your character.

I agree, the hotel was beautiful, but that door! I’ll let them know about the bathroom door. I thought I was going to knock a wall down…. Maybe that was just because I was in a hurry to get to you?!! 😃

I’m so sorry you got sick, that stinks. I’m happy that you’re feeling better though and hopefully you’re able to enjoy the wedding with all the 30 year olds, Lol!!

Enjoy the rest of your week and especially the wedding and feel better!! I’m sure you’re going to look beautiful with your tall self and great hair and shoes!!! 😃 You’re welcome for me answering you of course, and thank you for your honesty. You’re a doll and absolutely adorable, take care Madeline! 😘🤗😘

Burner Text

I am still crazy. Less crazy than before but I wonder if it ever disappears entirely.

I see Tony stalking my IG every single day now. While it doesn’t cause distress in any way, I neglected to realize what it would do – cause me to overthink about him every day again.

So that was a little test I failed.

I sent a burner text. A long one. Telling him I know he’s on my IG feed every day multiple times a day. I said I think of him too. I asked why he was on the feed if he didn’t still care.

Surprisingly for the first time in 18 months, he replied with “who is this”.

Was it meant to hurt? To be funny? To simply tell me I don’t even resonate with him anymore? I will never know.

Maybe he just didn’t like being caught out.

But – despite the intended inference – someone who is checking your personal feed every day multiple times a day is stalking for a reason.

His reasons don’t matter, but I need to let it go. I actually had nothing of value to say to him anyway. I acted impulsively which is always what gets me in trouble.

I will bet, knowing him, the stalking will stop now. He’s too proud and stubborn to have been caught. (Addendum: he stalked later that day which I found out of character)

That’s fine.

Here’s the text:

Tony – why would you look at my IG every day if you are never going to speak to me again? You must be thinking about me on some level. You must still care about something?

We had a connection unlike any other either of us had ever experienced. I know we can never be in relationship again.

It’s baffling to me why you would check on my feed if you really don’t care. I know you’re mad and I know how stubborn you are about always being mad at me. I suppose you won’t forgive me but I would like you to understand how sick I was – in my head – truly sick – to do what I did. It was all in desperation and I couldn’t see anything clearly.

Finding out you had lied to me for months crushed me and I wanted you to feel the pain I felt. None of this makes sense to a person who isn’t sick, I know this. It’s the only explanation I have. There was no logic to my breakdown.

Maybe you delete every random text I send. Maybe you read them. You are stubborn enough not to tell me, I see that after 18 months.

Our relationship changed my life and I will never ever be the same. I never felt love the way we loved. It may never come again, I don’t know. I do know I will never not have you in my heart and head. You are forever a part of me.

I wish I knew if you were happy or not. I’m guessing you made your choices and are standing by them regardless if you will ever be truly happy or not. I wish I had that tenacity to put my family before myself – but I didn’t. I would have chosen you and if I couldn’t have you I would have chosen to die. Every day is a struggle to remind myself I have to be present for my children. That comes naturally for you and I admire that.

I know you are “just a man” as you’ve said so many times. Perhaps you can never understand the impact you had on my life. I miss you every day.

And I’m waging a guess you are missing me if you are stalking my IG.

Either that or Kelly has your IG password.

I do think I want to speak to him but then I ask myself why? What good would come of it (don’t answer, I know: none). But really, what would I get from it? I already know that it would create a longing for what I once had and is forever gone. That relationship can never come back and I nuclear blasted the bridge. Even if he did text or speak to me – what would I want to hear? There is nothing productive to be had from contact with him.

I let my crazy slip through.

But differently than before, I think about my actions and what I could net from them. I know this is fruitless.

And just like that, the feeling passes. There was a momentary madness in which I text him wanting to know “why?! What are you thinking about? How does it feel to kiss me? You do, don’t you?” Like I needed those answers. I don’t. I really don’t. No answer is a right answer or even a good answer. I don’t care about his answer.

I have gotten a million times better but I still have the crazy gene. It comes when I feel desperate about some situation in my life – one I can’t seem to “fix” and seemingly my brain believes it requires Tony to help me with the problem. Now that I know why and when it happens, I have to gain full control.

I’m doing better, but I am not healed. I still have to actively try to move on from that relationship.

One Date Too Many

I know it’s time to shut down the dating apps for a while. There are truly no worthwhile choices and I’m making semi-poor decisions.

A talk with my friends/family led to me questioning the type of man I’m looking for AGAIN. They feel like I’m not giving the right guys a chance.

I don’t know why I listen. I’ve tried this before, more than once, and it’s always a fail. Always.

But I did it again. I chose a nice man. One who was clearly into me from the get-go. Good family background. A little far distance wise but not too far. A stable job, though perhaps not as ambitious as I would prefer. A Marine many years ago.

Chris agreed to drive over an hour to meet me for dinner and drinks. He was very communicative by text and was a pleasure to speak with on the phone. We had a few phone conversations that went exceedingly well – but I also recognize (in hindsight) it was because he just really liked me – everything about me. So he asked a lot of questions, got some of my funniest stories out of me and was paying a lot of attention. All the cues I love.

I realized that in person, even though the cues were all still there, it started to feel a little flat the longer I spent time with him. I’m not entirely sure why. He wasn’t as refined as I normally like, but that was ok. He likes a lot of the things I like and was super complementary of me. So I don’t know what I didn’t like exactly, but I could feel the undercurrent most of the evening.

We ate and drank a little more than I had expected to since this was a last minute date. He didn’t want to go home but I wasn’t going to invite him to my house because I just wasn’t sure about him. I had no issue bringing Mike back to my house after a later dinner so that’s what I mean about an underlying current of “not sure about this guy.” With Mike I didn’t want the night to end. With Chris I didn’t know what I was doing or why.

He found a hotel with a bar close by. He wanted to stay the night. I agreed. I’m starting to feel like a slut lately because it’s been a spinning wheel of men these past few weeks in my bed, and I’m pretty sure this was the last one for a while because I hit my breaking point.

Chris went in and got the room while I went to the bar. The hotel was new and pretty fabulous. We had one more drink and headed upstairs. I had no real investment in sleeping with him, sort of similar to Dan2.

Things got worse when he undressed and I’m not sure if this is something I would get past or not. He clearly used to be massively built and muscular, you could see by his shape and size, but he must have let himself go for many years and now his skin was hanging everywhere and he was heavier than he looked when dressed. All I could think about was “does my skin/body look like this to someone” and my mind wouldn’t stop whirring with that thought. If I felt like this about him, perhaps this is what some of those men felt about me. It made me very distracted. Because of this – I don’t know if I was put off by his shape or my own disgust with my body. I couldn’t suss our the difference. Even in hindsight as I’m writing this I’m not sure why it turned me off so much.

As I tried to focus I lost my desire. He went down on me and I came, uneventfully, but thankful that since I’ve been off the old meds that orgasms are easier than not. He wasn’t good or bad, he got the job done. But the sex, oh the sex, was just awful. Really and truly awful. Not the worst I had but absolutely bottom 3. It didn’t help he didn’t have very large equipment, luckily not as small as John2 because Chris didn’t know how to manage that the way John did. He just wasn’t any good and I couldn’t kick in enough to help make him any better. For one of the very few times in my life I lie beneath a man willing it to be over. That, my dears, is a truly awful feeling.

It also created a feeling of sympathy which does not belong in a bed.

I wish I had gotten up and out of that bed immediately following sex but I fell asleep, dammit. A few hours later, when I woke, he clearly wanted to go again. I’m not practiced enough in bad sex to know how to say “no thanks, no more” so I let him. What a mistake. It was even worse than the night before. I got frustrated after too long and made him stop before he came which I know was terrible – but he had been struggling over and over to ejaculate and there just wasn’t any pleasure in the work for me. I had to get out of that bed. And, I did. Got up. Got dressed.

He asked me to come back to bed so he could finish what we started. I wanted to die of embarrassment. I wanted to ask him if he had ejaculation problems in general but it didn’t matter. I knew he knew it was an issue because I could hear the sighs and sense his frustration as he tried to climax but couldn’t. I just could not entertain it any longer.

He insisted to walk me to my car as the guilt washed over me. I shouldn’t have slept with him. I should have ended the date at the restaurant and let it go. However, if I did that we probably would have gone on a second date because I did like him. But it wouldn’t have changed the end result of him just being horrible in bed. This was no case of nerves – he was just bad in bed.

I even feel bad for making the decision to sleep with him when I know he liked me more than I liked him. My friends are telling me he deserves a second shot – but why? I don’t understand why they would say that. I already know the next long term relationship I have must include being friends and lovers. I can’t go into a relationship based on having a nice guy.

What I have realized is that I need a little edge. Not too much but just a little. Too straight and narrow isn’t for me. I’ve said it before but if I don’t get the chemistry I need, I shut down any hope of it going any further.

This last date really showed me I have to stop. Take a break. I feel my desperation coming out which never leads to good decisions. Decisions such as sending Tony a text (I will write that post).

There were 2 additional men in the pipeline that I’m winding down speaking to. Will I meet them? I don’t know. The apps are now shut down for a minimum of 3 weeks. Maybe longer. We shall see but I will start there. Knowing the time limit I set for myself helps because I work best with tangible goals. This week I have already noticed the semi-relief I feel for not having to check the apps for potential matches and worry about starting up conversations all over again. It’s not like I don’t have a full life, even without working, I have plenty to keep me busy. I just need to remind myself that my Prince will come along in his own good time.

When I Don’t Care Enough – Part 2

So, back to how I present on a date….I matched with a nice man and we text back and forth.  Turns out he doesn’t live here and comes for business at least once a month for a week.  He would be leaving in 2 days.  That left only one available night to meet if we wanted to see if we were a match.

The night I had scheduled for my Peloton classes. I am proud to say the thought NEVER crossed my mind to cancel my classes for the date. Two years ago, I would have turned my world upside down for a date. No more. They happen when they happen now.

I’m not for or against a long-distance relationship.  Its not my first choice, but I haven’t eliminated the options.  If the man was that good of a match, I could consider it – I am not tied to my location beyond the next 2 years when my youngest will graduate HS.  Even if there wasn’t a man involved, I do not see staying where I am forever. In any case, my thought process is so different now because I can meet a man for a date to have a nice date, have sex, and go home just as easily as I can potentially meet the man of my dreams. Now that I understand I need to just take each date one moment at a time, it’s much easier for me to disconnect my desire to have a partner from the desire just to go out and have a good time.

So, Dan2 and I matched and had been texting on the app.  We agreed to meet after my last class as he was in the city at a client dinner.  However, post my 2nd class, his diner ended early and he was getting tired.  Just before my 3rd class, he text that he didn’t think he could hold out til 10:30pm.  I sent a last text that said “I’m shutting down my phone as I enter class, I hope you change your mind, but I won’t see it until class is over.”

My 3rd class was with a new instructor who engaged with me quite a bit – she told me after class that the previous instructor text her and told her I was coming and I was cool.  🙂  Feels good to be a little on the inside so I soaked this up a bit before I remembered to check my phone for Dan2’s message.

He would wait for me.

Uh oh – I better get moving!

I was in full 80s Madonna costume – I had enough hairspray in my hair to ignite a Chernobyl size explosion.  It was crunchy and scary – how I did that in the 80s is beyond me.  Light a match and I would go straight up in flames!  I had on a lot of black eyeliner and a lot of heavy waterproof makeup (it had to make it through a shit ton of sweaty workouts!)  I had to shower without washing my face (I wasn’t going to potentially smell!) and leave my hair the way it was.  I only had leggings and a Peloton sweatshirt to wear with my trainers.  This is what I mean about not caring how I presented myself.

Basically, I take the chance he rejects me because of my appearance OR I have an opportunity to meet a man that I could enjoy the night with. I chose to believe we could have a good time.

Maybe I thought he wouldn’t meet me?  I certainly hadn’t given it thought before I left my home or I would have packed a change of clothes at least.

I was on such a high that I didn’t care what he thought.  He seemed to begrudgingly agree to one drink before he headed out to sleep before early morning meetings.

Ok, then, that’s good enough.

The confidence I felt from the evening exercise classes was making me feel like Wonder Woman. I could tell I would impress with my personality when I met Dan. I could feel the energy zipping through me and I aware of the feedback I get when I behave this way. It’s so interesting to me that I have this ability but can’t seem to call it up on command when I need it. It would be a super useful tool to have and would help immensely with all my body image issues.

I think you can guess, the night didn’t end with one drink.  I’ve gotten to the point where I know almost immediately when a date is going to go all night, or end quickly, but, actually, I didn’t get my spider-sense upon meeting him.  He was super tall, lean and “sort-of” handsome (honestly, I still can’t determine if I think he is or not).

Regardless of any of that – he was interesting  Really interesting.  The conversations just flowed and flowed and flowed and before we knew it we had each put a bottle of wine behind us as well as several appetizers and it was 1am. I truly enjoyed our dialogue and it was less traditional than many first dates – we just explored a lot of cool topics and he is super smart.

Here’s the surprising part, for me at least….not one kiss or touch the entire almost 4 hours together.  Not even an inkling of sexual chemistry. But there was an absolute connection. The energy had worked in my favor.

Very strange for me, indeed.

We went back to his hotel and the first kiss commenced.  I have no feeling about it one way or the other, it was a good kiss.  When he asked me up, I agreed, but still not feeling the typical craziness (or even drunkness) I generally have at this point.

Of course we had sex.  I didn’t come up to his room expecting any different.  But, the sex was different, for me at least.  I didn’t go out of my way to please him, or even explore him.  Just before undressing I stated simply that I had quite a bit of surgery and had a lot of scars on my belly that made me uncomfortable.  I then proceeded to strip down and out of my clothes entirely- a complete FIRST!  Go me!

Somewhere, deep deep deep in my head, I put the statement out to the universe and chose to let go. If I didn’t stay in my head full of worry about my appearance I would never enjoy the sex. I love sex. So I let go. When I took my top off and threw it to the floor, my inhibition went with it. He would have full view of the wounds and all the loose flesh.

He didn’t hesitate. Or I didn’t notice. Either way, forward we went.

His body was amazing for a man his age. Every ripple and muscle was accentuated. I have never been with a man as rock solid as this and now I understood the appeal. It was a beautiful thing to behold and enjoy. He made me cum very easily, and twice, which is also unusual for me. When he came up to have sex with me, and started to penetrate, I realized I had zero idea what his cock was like.

Holy fuck.

He was huge. My eyes rolled back into my head with pleasure. He was long and thick and knew exactly how to wield his instrument. I could tell he was holding back so not to cause any pain for me. He was big and we couldn’t go full throttle because of it but whatever we did was pretty fucking awesome.

Sex was fabulous and he asked me to stay the night but I just didn’t want to. I lie in his arms for some time before he walked me down to get my car.

The next day he called from the airport telling me he had tried to move his flight out to the next day but had been unable to do so. He also looked at his calendar and proposed several dates he could see me – not in my city, but where he could bring me to the city he was working in. He had clearly put some thought into how he could see me every other week. My old reaction to this would have been major excitement. Unwarranted excitement. This time I took it with a groan of salt and just discussed, rationally, what might work in the coming weeks.

He ended up suggestion to come back to my city in 2 weeks if he could.

As it turned out, he couldn’t make it back to me and his communication skills are sorely lacking. We had spoken about his style / my style before he left and agreed it could be a bigger block than anything else. He is single minded and focused on what’s he focused on when he’s focused on it. I usually hear something from him each day or two, but a text conversation generally ends abruptly with no follow up. We have nice phone conversations at random. Bottom line, he is unable to form any relationships based on his style and he admits to it. He can’t balance his life.

I’m glad I realized this and it doesn’t phase me. When I hear from him, I hear from him. When I don’t, well that’s fine too. We had a fun night, good sex, some amazing orgasms and I’m sure we will remain friendly for when he returns to my city. I don’t think he’s the right match for me in any case because of his typical communication style – it would drive me mad if the person I was seeing had freestyle communication skills.

Next.

When I Don’t Care Enough – Part 1

Sometimes, not often, I don’t really care about how I am going to present on a date.

There are some men who I get the sexual tension from quickly, and I want to impress those men with sexy heels and a hot outfit.  Other men don’t seem to give off the same vibe and I don’t get as excited about the first meeting and what I am wearing, and perhaps a little, how I look.  Frankly, I tend to prefer the men with whom I get the tension with – even if the date doesn’t get legs, the initial date and flirting is just more fun.  I love the sexual tension and I love to look sexy.  Especially now….sexy now is an entirely different thing than it was before.  My body requires little to no effort to appear sexy to a man who likes a lean, fit woman.  This is a major head trip, for me.  I love the fact that nothing is uncomfortable when I wear it any longer.  Most articles of clothing are going to look good on me no matter what.  I can wear heels all night long.  I’ve always had the feeling of “being” sexy, but now its much more prevalent since I am proud of my body  (well, the exterior, the wounds and loose skin get compartmentalized when I am getting dressed because they are under wraps).  I don’t think my behavior is any different, but removing the physical self doubt is a massive relief.

I did choose weight loss surgery after all.

And then I chose to take care of the gift of life I was given post all the trauma.  I’m super fit and lean now.  I feel better physically and find that the working out helps me redirect a lot of negative energy.  I never thought I would be the one to say it but I love how the fitness makes me feel now.  It has changed my life.

This is a bit long-winded story about how I didn’t care how I looked on a first date. I had matched with someone who wanted to meet this particular night.

I had planned to do something quite out of character for me – I decided to go into the Peloton studios and do 3 classes in a row, in costume, for Halloween.  Alone.  Why?  No reason at all.  More like, why not?  I could. I love my Peloton classes and getting in studio is always awesome.  Plus, not that I admit this to any of my friends or family, but there is probably some attention factor in here.  Going to the studio gets me noticed by my instructors and creates a more personal bond when you interact with them on social media.  When I’m not working, the Peloton social community is my primary source of accountability.  If I make a post that I will do something, I do it.  I don’t know how the logic of that works for me, but it does.  So when I feel like I need a little push to step out of a comfort zone, I post before I think about it too much.  Then I’m committed.

The classes started at 6:30pm and would end by 10:30pm.  It was a pretty big fitness commitment and when I am in studio, it also means a push effort – I don’t want to “take it easy” on myself in studio.   All classes have a “spotlight” bike, tread or mat.  In the past, I have chosen this spot knowing I would be on camera for the studio taping of the on-demand classes.   Unexpectedly, I ended up in this spot in 2 classes -in full costume – doing classes that were so far out of my comfort zone that I questioned the sanity of these spontaneous choices.  I did a 45 minute run (I have never run that long) and a 30 minute yoga class (I never did a studio yoga class and I can’t do half the poses).  Of course, in the end, it worked out amazingly well and I had a blast and did just fine.   I loved being on camera (sort of, off to the side and in the dark, but still! Lol)

I did trip on the treadmill towards the end! Whoops! No one saw, right?

It reminded me that I like the spotlight and the competition.  My personality feeds off these things, but I forget that it does.  I should really consider how to tap into more of this part of myself – because I am good at putting myself out there.  My confidence takes a huge leap and I become like a different person.  I recall times in my life where the spotlight was on me that it brings out my type A competitive nature and I want to crush whatever it is I am doing.  I can’t create this feeling, or even call it up – but when it happens I love it.  I know athletes are able to tap into this ability to focus themselves and hype themselves up for competition, but when I try to do that, it doesn’t work the same as when it happens organically. I hadn’t actually thought of this before and maybe I should do a little research on why this happens with me.

This night, it was all organic.  Sort of.  I had set myself up for the potential something could happen, by being in costume, being present and interactive, and I was going to be equally as ok if nothing happened.  But, it did – I was noticed, ended up on camera, and made new friends.  I loved every minute.  No one was there who knew me or could judge, and the side of my personality that I normally don’t let loose too often – you can call it my cocky side -comes out.  My confidence and happiness overflow and I can affect those around me.  It’s such a natural high.

It was several hours of high intensity interaction and exercise. I loved every minute. If I could somehow tap into that energy more frequently, it would be amazing – I don’t know where it would take me because it feels boundless. However, times like this – where the energy is flowing so heavily from within – exhaust me for days. Add into it my chronic anemia, which happens to be keeping me down because it’s time for an iron infusion, and one event like this could knock me out for a week.

The bottom line was – after these classes I was going to be a mess. My hair was a birds nest of hairspray and curls, my makeup soaked through, and I would be a soppy sweaty mess. I would be able to take a shower post the last ride, but there was nothing I could do about makeup or the fact I had worn yoga pants going into the studio. Hardly the ideal condition to meet someone for the first time…..