Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

Little Tiny Pity Party

I’m having one of these for myself at the moment. I’ve felt it coming in between the dating, my sisters wedding and no work. I’ve been able to put it off but it’s finally arrived – and like all things Madeline – it sucks the physical energy from me which I have no control over.

It’s always amazing to me how strong my unconscious mind is that it can control my body.

I always worry now about falling into a deeper pit of depression. Last year was some serious wake up call to just how strong my mind is when it’s blackened by depressions and anxiety. You know I don’t even recall last summer or getting to Mexico. I feel like it happened to someone else. Even lying in hospital for the 5 weeks I’ve nearly forgotten.

At the moment I am truly worried about finances. I am heavily in credit card debt for the first time since divorce and see no immediate way out. I can begin to dissolve my retirement savings but trying not to do that until next year due to the tax implications. There are NO jobs out there. Literally none. And we have entered into a dead zone for job hunting around the holidays now.

I am sad that another holiday season will pass without a man. I’m reflecting on the fact that I’ve never had a really solid relationship since my teens/early twenties – if you can even count those. I question all the time what I’m doing wrong that I can change to find a match. I’m not looking right now as I promised myself a break – which I need – but just trying to evaluate a better way to go about making a good match.

Luckily, one of the 3 big issues from last year that caused the breakdown has improved drastically. My kids have really matured during this year and I’ve found a better cadence with them. It’s not always perfect, but they have matured to the point where everyone is more comfortable at home together and there’s little to no daily struggle anymore. Yes, of course, at their ages this should be expected – but a year ago it wasn’t happening and I was at my wits end being a parent. I realized I wasn’t communicating enough with my kids. I was protecting or shielding them from anything I felt they shouldn’t worry about as children. As much as some of this was right, my mistake was not speaking up more often. About how I was feeling, about life in general. I’m learning how to do this with them now and find they are much more communicative with me.

Im struggling with getting out of bed, and once I do, getting off the couch. The funny thing now is – I work out – then get right back on the couch. I need to self-impose a schedule despite the fact I don’t have anything specific to do. I also need to assign myself small tasks to complete each day. I know what I need to do, I’m just failing at actually doing it.

I had committed to a weekend Peloton event which I’m now regretting financially since it will be expensive. But I had already paid for more than half and it’s a healthy event (good for mind and body) so I am following through with it. After this, finances must be on lockdown so I don’t create additional debt. My sisters bachelorette and wedding put me back a few thousand and I didn’t even give her a gift yet (I’m sure she didn’t like this but I explained I will have to owe her).

Speaking of my sister, she wasn’t so great in the lead up of the wedding or the wedding day. I sat back and did what I thought I should, when I should. I felt like I was invisible as compared to how she treated her friends. It was a pretty crap feeling but I had felt it coming since her shower and had already experienced it at her bachelorette. I know this added to my general feeling of malaise. That, and the fact that I didn’t have a date at the wedding and my boys were bored out of their minds. I considered speaking to her about it but I’m pretty sure I’ve decided to just let it all drop. The relationship will tip back to normal now that we don’t have to be full on with one another.

Trying to get through this moment and looking forward to a fun weekend filled with new friends and activity and a nice Thanksgiving.

Sometimes I Surprise Even Myself

I posted about the IG stalking and the burner text last week and read through your comments. I always take the comments to heart because many times you see things for a different perspective than I do.

I was happy Trixie was contained pretty quickly – the text was dumb but it ended there for me.

What really surprised my was he was still looking even after the text and his that made me feel.

I didn’t want him there.

The past weekend was my sisters wedding and I figured I would be posting quite a bit. Why should he see? Or, if it’s his wife, why should she? Either way, I didn’t want them seeing or sharing in any of my family moments.

So I blocked him.

I was too busy to check over the weekend who was looking at my posts, but today when I had a bit more time, I looked. And I didn’t like what I saw.

Remember when I spotted him on a live Peloton ride and I went and gave him a “high-five” and he went and changed his name immediately? Well, suddenly I had a new person looking at my posts with his Peloton name – so of course I knew it was him. I checked the profile, it was a new profile with no photo and no posts which reinforced it was him. So I blocked that name too.

Now that bothered me. I don’t know why. But it did.

Why does he want to look so badly that he goes and changes his name? He could have replied to my text differently rather than sarcastically and chose not to. But he is stalking.

Hmmmm.

I changed my profile to private while the wedding posts cycle through (they are only up for 24 hours) I don’t like to keep my profile private because that’s how we interact with one another in the Peloton community. But I can open it up again later this week.

Anyway, both are blocked and I will be on the lookout for any new ones.

What do you think?

One Date Too Many – A Follow Up

Sad to say, I lost a favorite ring the night I had my date with Chris.

I had to contact him to get his last name and out room number to see if there was any chance in hell they found it at the hotel. I knew the chance was slim but I had to try. I hated to have to reach out to him, but I did.

I apologized for bothering him and explained what in needed.

He was so gracious in his reply I couldn’t help but share his last text. There are good men out there, I just need to find the one for me.

You’re very welcome Madeline. I’m sorry about your ring. I feel badly because it’s probably my fault that you took them off. If I hadn’t been squeezing your hands so tightly….. 🙁

I’m glad you thought about me. 😊 I’ve thought about you as well.

Unfortunately, I agree with you that we aren’t the right match, I’m all outdoorsy, you know, Lol! I do however think you’re a wonderful lady, very, very attractive, great personality, funny, fun, playful and oh so very sexy!!! Did I mention you’re a great kisser too?!! Yum! I had a lovely time with you, I just wish we would have had a bit more time! 😉I really enjoyed our date and I’m very happy that we met. I’ll be thinking about you.😊 I really appreciate your honesty as well, I’ve had women disappear on me before too and it is a crappy feeling. You’re a good woman Madeline – it is harder to be honest, but it’s the right thing to do and I appreciate you for doing it, says a lot about your character.

I agree, the hotel was beautiful, but that door! I’ll let them know about the bathroom door. I thought I was going to knock a wall down…. Maybe that was just because I was in a hurry to get to you?!! 😃

I’m so sorry you got sick, that stinks. I’m happy that you’re feeling better though and hopefully you’re able to enjoy the wedding with all the 30 year olds, Lol!!

Enjoy the rest of your week and especially the wedding and feel better!! I’m sure you’re going to look beautiful with your tall self and great hair and shoes!!! 😃 You’re welcome for me answering you of course, and thank you for your honesty. You’re a doll and absolutely adorable, take care Madeline! 😘🤗😘

Burner Text

I am still crazy. Less crazy than before but I wonder if it ever disappears entirely.

I see Tony stalking my IG every single day now. While it doesn’t cause distress in any way, I neglected to realize what it would do – cause me to overthink about him every day again.

So that was a little test I failed.

I sent a burner text. A long one. Telling him I know he’s on my IG feed every day multiple times a day. I said I think of him too. I asked why he was on the feed if he didn’t still care.

Surprisingly for the first time in 18 months, he replied with “who is this”.

Was it meant to hurt? To be funny? To simply tell me I don’t even resonate with him anymore? I will never know.

Maybe he just didn’t like being caught out.

But – despite the intended inference – someone who is checking your personal feed every day multiple times a day is stalking for a reason.

His reasons don’t matter, but I need to let it go. I actually had nothing of value to say to him anyway. I acted impulsively which is always what gets me in trouble.

I will bet, knowing him, the stalking will stop now. He’s too proud and stubborn to have been caught. (Addendum: he stalked later that day which I found out of character)

That’s fine.

Here’s the text:

Tony – why would you look at my IG every day if you are never going to speak to me again? You must be thinking about me on some level. You must still care about something?

We had a connection unlike any other either of us had ever experienced. I know we can never be in relationship again.

It’s baffling to me why you would check on my feed if you really don’t care. I know you’re mad and I know how stubborn you are about always being mad at me. I suppose you won’t forgive me but I would like you to understand how sick I was – in my head – truly sick – to do what I did. It was all in desperation and I couldn’t see anything clearly.

Finding out you had lied to me for months crushed me and I wanted you to feel the pain I felt. None of this makes sense to a person who isn’t sick, I know this. It’s the only explanation I have. There was no logic to my breakdown.

Maybe you delete every random text I send. Maybe you read them. You are stubborn enough not to tell me, I see that after 18 months.

Our relationship changed my life and I will never ever be the same. I never felt love the way we loved. It may never come again, I don’t know. I do know I will never not have you in my heart and head. You are forever a part of me.

I wish I knew if you were happy or not. I’m guessing you made your choices and are standing by them regardless if you will ever be truly happy or not. I wish I had that tenacity to put my family before myself – but I didn’t. I would have chosen you and if I couldn’t have you I would have chosen to die. Every day is a struggle to remind myself I have to be present for my children. That comes naturally for you and I admire that.

I know you are “just a man” as you’ve said so many times. Perhaps you can never understand the impact you had on my life. I miss you every day.

And I’m waging a guess you are missing me if you are stalking my IG.

Either that or Kelly has your IG password.

I do think I want to speak to him but then I ask myself why? What good would come of it (don’t answer, I know: none). But really, what would I get from it? I already know that it would create a longing for what I once had and is forever gone. That relationship can never come back and I nuclear blasted the bridge. Even if he did text or speak to me – what would I want to hear? There is nothing productive to be had from contact with him.

I let my crazy slip through.

But differently than before, I think about my actions and what I could net from them. I know this is fruitless.

And just like that, the feeling passes. There was a momentary madness in which I text him wanting to know “why?! What are you thinking about? How does it feel to kiss me? You do, don’t you?” Like I needed those answers. I don’t. I really don’t. No answer is a right answer or even a good answer. I don’t care about his answer.

I have gotten a million times better but I still have the crazy gene. It comes when I feel desperate about some situation in my life – one I can’t seem to “fix” and seemingly my brain believes it requires Tony to help me with the problem. Now that I know why and when it happens, I have to gain full control.

I’m doing better, but I am not healed. I still have to actively try to move on from that relationship.

One Date Too Many

I know it’s time to shut down the dating apps for a while. There are truly no worthwhile choices and I’m making semi-poor decisions.

A talk with my friends/family led to me questioning the type of man I’m looking for AGAIN. They feel like I’m not giving the right guys a chance.

I don’t know why I listen. I’ve tried this before, more than once, and it’s always a fail. Always.

But I did it again. I chose a nice man. One who was clearly into me from the get-go. Good family background. A little far distance wise but not too far. A stable job, though perhaps not as ambitious as I would prefer. A Marine many years ago.

Chris agreed to drive over an hour to meet me for dinner and drinks. He was very communicative by text and was a pleasure to speak with on the phone. We had a few phone conversations that went exceedingly well – but I also recognize (in hindsight) it was because he just really liked me – everything about me. So he asked a lot of questions, got some of my funniest stories out of me and was paying a lot of attention. All the cues I love.

I realized that in person, even though the cues were all still there, it started to feel a little flat the longer I spent time with him. I’m not entirely sure why. He wasn’t as refined as I normally like, but that was ok. He likes a lot of the things I like and was super complementary of me. So I don’t know what I didn’t like exactly, but I could feel the undercurrent most of the evening.

We ate and drank a little more than I had expected to since this was a last minute date. He didn’t want to go home but I wasn’t going to invite him to my house because I just wasn’t sure about him. I had no issue bringing Mike back to my house after a later dinner so that’s what I mean about an underlying current of “not sure about this guy.” With Mike I didn’t want the night to end. With Chris I didn’t know what I was doing or why.

He found a hotel with a bar close by. He wanted to stay the night. I agreed. I’m starting to feel like a slut lately because it’s been a spinning wheel of men these past few weeks in my bed, and I’m pretty sure this was the last one for a while because I hit my breaking point.

Chris went in and got the room while I went to the bar. The hotel was new and pretty fabulous. We had one more drink and headed upstairs. I had no real investment in sleeping with him, sort of similar to Dan2.

Things got worse when he undressed and I’m not sure if this is something I would get past or not. He clearly used to be massively built and muscular, you could see by his shape and size, but he must have let himself go for many years and now his skin was hanging everywhere and he was heavier than he looked when dressed. All I could think about was “does my skin/body look like this to someone” and my mind wouldn’t stop whirring with that thought. If I felt like this about him, perhaps this is what some of those men felt about me. It made me very distracted. Because of this – I don’t know if I was put off by his shape or my own disgust with my body. I couldn’t suss our the difference. Even in hindsight as I’m writing this I’m not sure why it turned me off so much.

As I tried to focus I lost my desire. He went down on me and I came, uneventfully, but thankful that since I’ve been off the old meds that orgasms are easier than not. He wasn’t good or bad, he got the job done. But the sex, oh the sex, was just awful. Really and truly awful. Not the worst I had but absolutely bottom 3. It didn’t help he didn’t have very large equipment, luckily not as small as John2 because Chris didn’t know how to manage that the way John did. He just wasn’t any good and I couldn’t kick in enough to help make him any better. For one of the very few times in my life I lie beneath a man willing it to be over. That, my dears, is a truly awful feeling.

It also created a feeling of sympathy which does not belong in a bed.

I wish I had gotten up and out of that bed immediately following sex but I fell asleep, dammit. A few hours later, when I woke, he clearly wanted to go again. I’m not practiced enough in bad sex to know how to say “no thanks, no more” so I let him. What a mistake. It was even worse than the night before. I got frustrated after too long and made him stop before he came which I know was terrible – but he had been struggling over and over to ejaculate and there just wasn’t any pleasure in the work for me. I had to get out of that bed. And, I did. Got up. Got dressed.

He asked me to come back to bed so he could finish what we started. I wanted to die of embarrassment. I wanted to ask him if he had ejaculation problems in general but it didn’t matter. I knew he knew it was an issue because I could hear the sighs and sense his frustration as he tried to climax but couldn’t. I just could not entertain it any longer.

He insisted to walk me to my car as the guilt washed over me. I shouldn’t have slept with him. I should have ended the date at the restaurant and let it go. However, if I did that we probably would have gone on a second date because I did like him. But it wouldn’t have changed the end result of him just being horrible in bed. This was no case of nerves – he was just bad in bed.

I even feel bad for making the decision to sleep with him when I know he liked me more than I liked him. My friends are telling me he deserves a second shot – but why? I don’t understand why they would say that. I already know the next long term relationship I have must include being friends and lovers. I can’t go into a relationship based on having a nice guy.

What I have realized is that I need a little edge. Not too much but just a little. Too straight and narrow isn’t for me. I’ve said it before but if I don’t get the chemistry I need, I shut down any hope of it going any further.

This last date really showed me I have to stop. Take a break. I feel my desperation coming out which never leads to good decisions. Decisions such as sending Tony a text (I will write that post).

There were 2 additional men in the pipeline that I’m winding down speaking to. Will I meet them? I don’t know. The apps are now shut down for a minimum of 3 weeks. Maybe longer. We shall see but I will start there. Knowing the time limit I set for myself helps because I work best with tangible goals. This week I have already noticed the semi-relief I feel for not having to check the apps for potential matches and worry about starting up conversations all over again. It’s not like I don’t have a full life, even without working, I have plenty to keep me busy. I just need to remind myself that my Prince will come along in his own good time.

When I Don’t Care Enough – Part 2

So, back to how I present on a date….I matched with a nice man and we text back and forth.  Turns out he doesn’t live here and comes for business at least once a month for a week.  He would be leaving in 2 days.  That left only one available night to meet if we wanted to see if we were a match.

The night I had scheduled for my Peloton classes. I am proud to say the thought NEVER crossed my mind to cancel my classes for the date. Two years ago, I would have turned my world upside down for a date. No more. They happen when they happen now.

I’m not for or against a long-distance relationship.  Its not my first choice, but I haven’t eliminated the options.  If the man was that good of a match, I could consider it – I am not tied to my location beyond the next 2 years when my youngest will graduate HS.  Even if there wasn’t a man involved, I do not see staying where I am forever. In any case, my thought process is so different now because I can meet a man for a date to have a nice date, have sex, and go home just as easily as I can potentially meet the man of my dreams. Now that I understand I need to just take each date one moment at a time, it’s much easier for me to disconnect my desire to have a partner from the desire just to go out and have a good time.

So, Dan2 and I matched and had been texting on the app.  We agreed to meet after my last class as he was in the city at a client dinner.  However, post my 2nd class, his diner ended early and he was getting tired.  Just before my 3rd class, he text that he didn’t think he could hold out til 10:30pm.  I sent a last text that said “I’m shutting down my phone as I enter class, I hope you change your mind, but I won’t see it until class is over.”

My 3rd class was with a new instructor who engaged with me quite a bit – she told me after class that the previous instructor text her and told her I was coming and I was cool.  🙂  Feels good to be a little on the inside so I soaked this up a bit before I remembered to check my phone for Dan2’s message.

He would wait for me.

Uh oh – I better get moving!

I was in full 80s Madonna costume – I had enough hairspray in my hair to ignite a Chernobyl size explosion.  It was crunchy and scary – how I did that in the 80s is beyond me.  Light a match and I would go straight up in flames!  I had on a lot of black eyeliner and a lot of heavy waterproof makeup (it had to make it through a shit ton of sweaty workouts!)  I had to shower without washing my face (I wasn’t going to potentially smell!) and leave my hair the way it was.  I only had leggings and a Peloton sweatshirt to wear with my trainers.  This is what I mean about not caring how I presented myself.

Basically, I take the chance he rejects me because of my appearance OR I have an opportunity to meet a man that I could enjoy the night with. I chose to believe we could have a good time.

Maybe I thought he wouldn’t meet me?  I certainly hadn’t given it thought before I left my home or I would have packed a change of clothes at least.

I was on such a high that I didn’t care what he thought.  He seemed to begrudgingly agree to one drink before he headed out to sleep before early morning meetings.

Ok, then, that’s good enough.

The confidence I felt from the evening exercise classes was making me feel like Wonder Woman. I could tell I would impress with my personality when I met Dan. I could feel the energy zipping through me and I aware of the feedback I get when I behave this way. It’s so interesting to me that I have this ability but can’t seem to call it up on command when I need it. It would be a super useful tool to have and would help immensely with all my body image issues.

I think you can guess, the night didn’t end with one drink.  I’ve gotten to the point where I know almost immediately when a date is going to go all night, or end quickly, but, actually, I didn’t get my spider-sense upon meeting him.  He was super tall, lean and “sort-of” handsome (honestly, I still can’t determine if I think he is or not).

Regardless of any of that – he was interesting  Really interesting.  The conversations just flowed and flowed and flowed and before we knew it we had each put a bottle of wine behind us as well as several appetizers and it was 1am. I truly enjoyed our dialogue and it was less traditional than many first dates – we just explored a lot of cool topics and he is super smart.

Here’s the surprising part, for me at least….not one kiss or touch the entire almost 4 hours together.  Not even an inkling of sexual chemistry. But there was an absolute connection. The energy had worked in my favor.

Very strange for me, indeed.

We went back to his hotel and the first kiss commenced.  I have no feeling about it one way or the other, it was a good kiss.  When he asked me up, I agreed, but still not feeling the typical craziness (or even drunkness) I generally have at this point.

Of course we had sex.  I didn’t come up to his room expecting any different.  But, the sex was different, for me at least.  I didn’t go out of my way to please him, or even explore him.  Just before undressing I stated simply that I had quite a bit of surgery and had a lot of scars on my belly that made me uncomfortable.  I then proceeded to strip down and out of my clothes entirely- a complete FIRST!  Go me!

Somewhere, deep deep deep in my head, I put the statement out to the universe and chose to let go. If I didn’t stay in my head full of worry about my appearance I would never enjoy the sex. I love sex. So I let go. When I took my top off and threw it to the floor, my inhibition went with it. He would have full view of the wounds and all the loose flesh.

He didn’t hesitate. Or I didn’t notice. Either way, forward we went.

His body was amazing for a man his age. Every ripple and muscle was accentuated. I have never been with a man as rock solid as this and now I understood the appeal. It was a beautiful thing to behold and enjoy. He made me cum very easily, and twice, which is also unusual for me. When he came up to have sex with me, and started to penetrate, I realized I had zero idea what his cock was like.

Holy fuck.

He was huge. My eyes rolled back into my head with pleasure. He was long and thick and knew exactly how to wield his instrument. I could tell he was holding back so not to cause any pain for me. He was big and we couldn’t go full throttle because of it but whatever we did was pretty fucking awesome.

Sex was fabulous and he asked me to stay the night but I just didn’t want to. I lie in his arms for some time before he walked me down to get my car.

The next day he called from the airport telling me he had tried to move his flight out to the next day but had been unable to do so. He also looked at his calendar and proposed several dates he could see me – not in my city, but where he could bring me to the city he was working in. He had clearly put some thought into how he could see me every other week. My old reaction to this would have been major excitement. Unwarranted excitement. This time I took it with a groan of salt and just discussed, rationally, what might work in the coming weeks.

He ended up suggestion to come back to my city in 2 weeks if he could.

As it turned out, he couldn’t make it back to me and his communication skills are sorely lacking. We had spoken about his style / my style before he left and agreed it could be a bigger block than anything else. He is single minded and focused on what’s he focused on when he’s focused on it. I usually hear something from him each day or two, but a text conversation generally ends abruptly with no follow up. We have nice phone conversations at random. Bottom line, he is unable to form any relationships based on his style and he admits to it. He can’t balance his life.

I’m glad I realized this and it doesn’t phase me. When I hear from him, I hear from him. When I don’t, well that’s fine too. We had a fun night, good sex, some amazing orgasms and I’m sure we will remain friendly for when he returns to my city. I don’t think he’s the right match for me in any case because of his typical communication style – it would drive me mad if the person I was seeing had freestyle communication skills.

Next.

When I Don’t Care Enough – Part 1

Sometimes, not often, I don’t really care about how I am going to present on a date.

There are some men who I get the sexual tension from quickly, and I want to impress those men with sexy heels and a hot outfit.  Other men don’t seem to give off the same vibe and I don’t get as excited about the first meeting and what I am wearing, and perhaps a little, how I look.  Frankly, I tend to prefer the men with whom I get the tension with – even if the date doesn’t get legs, the initial date and flirting is just more fun.  I love the sexual tension and I love to look sexy.  Especially now….sexy now is an entirely different thing than it was before.  My body requires little to no effort to appear sexy to a man who likes a lean, fit woman.  This is a major head trip, for me.  I love the fact that nothing is uncomfortable when I wear it any longer.  Most articles of clothing are going to look good on me no matter what.  I can wear heels all night long.  I’ve always had the feeling of “being” sexy, but now its much more prevalent since I am proud of my body  (well, the exterior, the wounds and loose skin get compartmentalized when I am getting dressed because they are under wraps).  I don’t think my behavior is any different, but removing the physical self doubt is a massive relief.

I did choose weight loss surgery after all.

And then I chose to take care of the gift of life I was given post all the trauma.  I’m super fit and lean now.  I feel better physically and find that the working out helps me redirect a lot of negative energy.  I never thought I would be the one to say it but I love how the fitness makes me feel now.  It has changed my life.

This is a bit long-winded story about how I didn’t care how I looked on a first date. I had matched with someone who wanted to meet this particular night.

I had planned to do something quite out of character for me – I decided to go into the Peloton studios and do 3 classes in a row, in costume, for Halloween.  Alone.  Why?  No reason at all.  More like, why not?  I could. I love my Peloton classes and getting in studio is always awesome.  Plus, not that I admit this to any of my friends or family, but there is probably some attention factor in here.  Going to the studio gets me noticed by my instructors and creates a more personal bond when you interact with them on social media.  When I’m not working, the Peloton social community is my primary source of accountability.  If I make a post that I will do something, I do it.  I don’t know how the logic of that works for me, but it does.  So when I feel like I need a little push to step out of a comfort zone, I post before I think about it too much.  Then I’m committed.

The classes started at 6:30pm and would end by 10:30pm.  It was a pretty big fitness commitment and when I am in studio, it also means a push effort – I don’t want to “take it easy” on myself in studio.   All classes have a “spotlight” bike, tread or mat.  In the past, I have chosen this spot knowing I would be on camera for the studio taping of the on-demand classes.   Unexpectedly, I ended up in this spot in 2 classes -in full costume – doing classes that were so far out of my comfort zone that I questioned the sanity of these spontaneous choices.  I did a 45 minute run (I have never run that long) and a 30 minute yoga class (I never did a studio yoga class and I can’t do half the poses).  Of course, in the end, it worked out amazingly well and I had a blast and did just fine.   I loved being on camera (sort of, off to the side and in the dark, but still! Lol)

I did trip on the treadmill towards the end! Whoops! No one saw, right?

It reminded me that I like the spotlight and the competition.  My personality feeds off these things, but I forget that it does.  I should really consider how to tap into more of this part of myself – because I am good at putting myself out there.  My confidence takes a huge leap and I become like a different person.  I recall times in my life where the spotlight was on me that it brings out my type A competitive nature and I want to crush whatever it is I am doing.  I can’t create this feeling, or even call it up – but when it happens I love it.  I know athletes are able to tap into this ability to focus themselves and hype themselves up for competition, but when I try to do that, it doesn’t work the same as when it happens organically. I hadn’t actually thought of this before and maybe I should do a little research on why this happens with me.

This night, it was all organic.  Sort of.  I had set myself up for the potential something could happen, by being in costume, being present and interactive, and I was going to be equally as ok if nothing happened.  But, it did – I was noticed, ended up on camera, and made new friends.  I loved every minute.  No one was there who knew me or could judge, and the side of my personality that I normally don’t let loose too often – you can call it my cocky side -comes out.  My confidence and happiness overflow and I can affect those around me.  It’s such a natural high.

It was several hours of high intensity interaction and exercise. I loved every minute. If I could somehow tap into that energy more frequently, it would be amazing – I don’t know where it would take me because it feels boundless. However, times like this – where the energy is flowing so heavily from within – exhaust me for days. Add into it my chronic anemia, which happens to be keeping me down because it’s time for an iron infusion, and one event like this could knock me out for a week.

The bottom line was – after these classes I was going to be a mess. My hair was a birds nest of hairspray and curls, my makeup soaked through, and I would be a soppy sweaty mess. I would be able to take a shower post the last ride, but there was nothing I could do about makeup or the fact I had worn yoga pants going into the studio. Hardly the ideal condition to meet someone for the first time…..

2 Dates 2 Days 2 Duds

I can definitely feel a bit of woe-is-me at the moment. I just want to date someone for chrissakes and I swear there are literally no available, worthwhile men at the moment. My friends are experiencing the same frustrations so I know it’s not just me.

When I’m frustrated like this I don’t make good choices.

I’m sure it was a bit of aggravation around Marshall’s communication that led me to deciding to meet John for a date. We had been chatting back and forth by text for about a week – very randomly and nothing intense, and had already set up a date, when I realized I hadn’t spoken to him on the phone. We agreed to a quick chat the night before our planned.

His initial text cadence was healthy and engaged and not over the top. But when I got on the phone with him, it felt like another person entirely. I chalked it up to nerves at first, but the conversation never improved. We went from seemingly having things in common to a relatively glaringly obvious mismatch. I knew from the phone conversation I shouldn’t have planned to meet him. I was actually annoyed with his phone conversation for reasons I can’t quite articulate – but that was the feeling I was left with which certainly isn’t a good sign.

And, I was already unsure about his looks. I try to be democratic in my dating choices, I really do, but I clearly have a formula for my physical preferences that is deep seated and hard for me to overcome. Tony overcame them, that’s for sure. But no one before or since has been able to jump that hurdle in my head.

We met the next night and, while he was exactly the physical let down I expected, the night started off well-enough. Until 10 minutes later when we didn’t have much to talk about. I have dozens of funny stories and good experiences to share and I do so easily, but only when I feel like the conversation merits that kind of engagement. He didn’t ask questions, he seemed oblivious to how to engage me (or any woman) and came off kind of dumb (maybe dopey is a better word because I know he’s smart and well educated with a good job). He couldn’t explain his job to me. He talked about his kids as if they were gods (this makes me nuts when parents are so in love with their kids that they are seemingly perfect) so finally I asked why he got divorced.

His reply “I have no idea.” Ok, that’s a first. No idea why you got divorced? After 3/4 years? Then he said she “cheated” on him. That would be “cheating” while they were separated under one roof and she already said she wanted a divorce. He really couldn’t pinpoint the demise of the marriage. I found it baffling. But then a light clicked on, he’s oblivious. He doesn’t see anything really except through some weird rose color glasses. Just gets through life one day to the next with no particular path or ambition. Everyone should be happy and there should be no conflict with anything. Once I realized just how oblivious he was, I asked if he had been dating. He then explained two relationships where he dated a woman for several months and then they just ghosted him. Had no clue why. Wow. Repeat behavior and he still can’t figure himself out.

We had been drinking – he drank more than me believe it or not – so the night passed with my inquisition 😂 into his life because I was fascinated. Same behaviors with family and friends. Relationships dissolved and he had no clue why. Just went along with life.

We kissed goodnight and it was horrible. He asked me out again and I nodded but couldn’t bring myself to say much, even though I knew we were not going out again. The next day he text politely and said a entirely ridiculous thing about fashion – looking back I didn’t respond very kindly (I was direct and to the point which can come across aggressive or mean in a text, I get it) and then I haven’t heard from him since. That’s fine. He wouldn’t understand why anyway! 😂

The next day I had matched with Jon and he gave me his number quickly because he was at soccer with his son. We had a quick back and forth exchange and then he sent me a video of a program he hosted. He looked super handsome, had an amazing voice, and was obviously really, really smart. Maybe an hour of back and forth text and he asked me out for that evening. I figured why not, lasts nights date was a bust and maybe this handsome guy would make up for it. At least he didn’t seem oblivious to the world.

Welp, I was wrong. Jon was equally as oblivious to the world as the first John. I couldn’t even believe I found two in a 24 hour span.

He was handsome and well dressed when he arrived. We started conversation pretty easily and found unusual topics for a first date (sustainable environments and criminal negligence). We made it through the first drink unscathed, until something dawned on me about his job. I asked him more detailed questions and uncovered that he had been a city cop for 20 years until retirement, and only more recently had become a professor (the video he sent me). Without any doubt, he was suppressing the city cop in him – I know it’s biased, but no joke, they are all seemingly cut from the same mold. He was putting on a little performance for me with his professor side because he felt I was an intelligent business woman. Was this super obvious – no, but the cues we’re there and I started picking up on them one by one.

Then I noticed other similarities to the first John. I asked this Jon about his marriage and he also stated he had NO CLUE why his wife wanted a divorce. By the time she told him she physically served him with papers. He spent a good twenty minutes talking about how this all went down and how he thought about it while I ordered my second glass of wine. Listening to him speak was like watching paint dry.

What happened to the interesting man he stared out to be?

He couldn’t hold up the performance. He is as dull as the day is long. He has no idea just how dull he is. Another oblivious man. I can’t believe I found two back to back.

This was the first date in a long time that I actually HAD to drink just to get though. I tried multiple times to end conversation and leave and he wasn’t picking up in any cues.

By the time we did leave I was pretty buzzed but not enough to ask him back to my place. Didn’t even matter because he invited himself – which I said a flat out NO! to. He wouldn’t stop talking to me by the car so I finally leaned in for a kiss goodnight and holy hell was it awful. His tongue was like an iron rod jammed into my mouth with zero flexibility or motion. It was the strangest kiss I’ve had in a long time. I couldn’t stop kissing him fast enough to get away from the poker tongue! 😂

I told my close girlfriend the next morning what happened and sent her the video he had shared with me. Turns out her sister had gone out with him the week before and felt exactly the same! When he text that morning he mentioned he would like to be waking me up in his “special way” and I quickly wrote I didn’t think we were a match.

With both men I recognize my lack of sticking to my “list” of requirements – at least my initial ones (that have never been wrong). I need to remind myself that, when we have the first phone call, if he’s not easily funny and I’m not laughing then he’s not going to be any better in person. Also, if the conversation isn’t organic (meaning you don’t have to pull out info, questions come from both sides easily, you are reciprocally engaged) then that also won’t be any better in person. Without fail, those two rules of mine have NEVER been wrong. The dates suck when the men don’t engage and are not funny. The dates are great when they do. This is exactly how Tony got around my physical attributes – he had me laughing so hard and was so engaged that I knew I had to meet him, and he kept it coming.

Just to add some insult to injury, a third man I was speaking to via text only also told me he had NO IDEA why his wife wanted a divorce. I went back and looked more closely at his photos, and while he was super handsome, he also looked intimidatingly serious. I dove into his background a bit more and found out he was also in law enforcement for many years. It felt like deja vu! I politely and quickly told him we were not a match.

I know I’m cycling too fast and need a break, but while I’m out of work dating is a great time filler and distraction. I just wish there was one decent guy out there for me.

Goodbye Marshall

This post is going to take more time to write than its worth.

But, the thought of Marshall woke me in the middle of the night and I had to have a stern taking to myself.

I didn’t answer Marshall’s phone call Thursday. Nor did he leave a message. Didn’t hear a word from him at all. And it was bugging me – figure that one out – I don’t care about him at all, had no desire for anything more or less from him, but it bugged me he just ghosted me like that.

So I text him Tuesday and a quick recap of the text went something like this:

M: Hi Marshall

Him: Hi Madeline

M: How are you?

Him: I’m well. Working and making bulletproof meatloaf. How are you?

M: Bulletproof meatloaf? What needs to be bulletproof about a meatloaf? Or do you mean you leave out the bread (that just makes it a big meatball! 😂)

M: My friend was here all weekend and we went to 13th hour haunted house and had so much fun screaming and running!! The actors loved us!! 😂🙃

Him: Yes essentially a healthy meatball. Glad you had fun.

M: Is something wrong? You didn’t exactly open up conversation in that last text and I haven’t heard from you in a while.

Him: Tried calling you Thursday, didn’t hear back.

M: You left a message?

Him: No

M: I missed that but don’t know why you wouldn’t call or text again.

And that’s it. No reply. Nothing.

So why does it bother me? It shouldn’t because I already knew I didn’t care. In our last conversation prior to this I was sort of getting sick of trying to understand his perspective on lifestyle coaching and getting zero engagement.

For instance, he wants to coach people on the importance of sleep. Since I had done quite a bit of research for myself earlier this year, I felt I could discuss this topic with him and open dialogue. He started with “I get a solid 8 hours of deep sleep every evening as tracked by my special watch.” I asked if that was possible because in my research NO humans need or get more than 2-3 hours of deep sleep per evening because you need more REM sleep. He flat out disagreed, told me his research and his watch supported it and basically shut down my information. In frustration I went back to do more research and came up with the exact same info after digging further. He told me I wasn’t looking into the right resources. When I asked him which resources he only indicated research from his coaches. He is like talking to a wall. So as much as I wanted to learn more, his inability to flex (which he claims is his greatest strength) was astounding.

I’m convinced this is a man who isn’t capable of deep relationship. He doesn’t have ANY. He has just started a relationship with his 17 year old daughter in the past year. When I ask who his friends are and who he confides in and speaks to, he can only refer to his coaching buddies.

I guess I’m am entirely confused about what self-actualization is because it feels to me like self-absorption.

Anyway, this post is about me, not Marshall.

Why did the idea of him not replying to me wake me up? I hate when people say one thing and behave differently so this normally eats at me – but I didn’t like him enough to let it disturb my sleep. So that’s when the stern talking to cane into play. I told my brain to shut down, I do not care about Marshall, I do not care that he is the only man in my life at present, he wasn’t going to fill any real voids for me and I wasn’t going to allow my brain to throw a wrench in that I “needed” to hold on to the little I had with him.

Nope. Not holding on, brain, so let it the fuck go. There will be better for me. Period.

Once I properly chastised myself I fell immediately into a sound sleep, woke up and deleted Marshall.

I am still surprised that, even though I have come so far that my brain wants to go back to its bad habits. I don’t need a man like Marshall in my life JUST to have a man in my life, they are a dime a dozen. I want the right man and he was nothing more than a placeholder. Placeholders shouldn’t wake me at night or even require thought.

Like I said, that took longer to write than it was worth. But it’s good for me to continue to remind myself I am worthy. Marshall, on his best day, didn’t deserve me.

Thank you, next.

Tonight’s date is with John. I already know this isn’t going to go well after we had our first phone conversation last night. I’m sitting here typing this berating myself for being a coward not to cancel the date after I spoke to him.

The Candy Man

Since Marshall wasn’t really right for me, I have been peeking in and out of the dating apps.  I connected with a man who, on paper, seemed like a pretty good match.  Handsome, tall, well-educated, good job, looking for a LTR.

Jim is a nice man with plenty to say.  Easy to connect with on text and looking forward to a phone call.  We chatted by text a couple days and then had one call before he was off to China for a week for work.  He was super easy to talk to and had an interesting background, but there were two things I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  One was the nasal pitch in his voice seemed to come and go depending on how excited he was when he was talking.  I know this probably sounds rude, but I’m not saying it to him so here goes – when he got excited about something and started laughing and speaking, his voice rose in pitch and became almost whiney and was a real turn off.  He also found himself quite funny and I couldn’t even follow his stories enough to get the punch line to laugh, I kept thinking I was missing something!  The second thing was how he spoke about himself in passing and that he referred to himself as bad, goofy, and some others that I can’t recall – but words I wouldn’t really want to use to describe a man (or even myself) .  He was also very focused on physique and more than once said how handsome, youthful and fit he was.  Don’t bang your own drum, dude,  Its so not attractive.

I guess that was more than 2 things I noticed were not quite right.

He kept in touch via text while in China, which was nice,  A daily short check in, nothing much.  We had another phone conversation when he returned from his business trip to set up a date.  The seance phone call cemented the feelings I had gotten in the first, he wasn’t right for me.

I already knew before the date I wasn’t going to like him enough, but I wanted to be hopeful.  He was super nice.

But, on the second phone call he also explained he was married twice.  2 older daughters on this coast and 2 younger daughters on the other coast.  I know life takes some pretty strange turns, but an absent parent to 2 small girls, one who is autistic, strikes me the wrong way.  I’ve really gotten judgey lately.

I arrived to the bar, my standard first date bar, and he had secured a seat for us.  The waiter came quickly to offer drinks and we started chatting.  He was handsome, but (keeping with the judgey theme here) not my kind of man.  Since I had committed to the date, I was going to be pleasant and hope for the best.

Jim is easy to talk to, there’s plenty on his mind.  He asked me so many questions that I spent some time story telling.  He has ADD so he often had me repeat and backtrack.  He commented after a while that I wasn’t asking him any questions (see, in my mind, that means the person isn’t really all that interested in you when they are not asking questions – I don’t ask because I don’t need to find out more because I’m not that interested….I think everyone does this)  I did ask him some more questions about his children and he tried to tell me several stories that he started with “this is a funny story” but honestly, it wasn’t.  He just wasn’t funny and his storytelling ability wasn’t all that strong.

Then he teased me about a few things.  Teasing is ok, even funny sometimes.  But when it’s done over and over, repeating the same tease, it becomes unfunny pretty damn fast.

On my profiles I indicated I am 47 when I am actually 52.  I do this for search purposes and every profile also clearly states my correct age within the profile.  Its common dating app behavior.  Since he missed the fact that I was 52 in the profile and had to go back to check, he quickly made a joke (in one of our phone calls) about my lying on the dating sites to get younger men.  I did try to explain why I did it, but he didn’t want to hear it – he thought it was hysterical that I lied.  And that became his “go-to” joke of the evening.  I believe he probably commented on age about 10 times before I finally told him I didn’t find it funny.  It didn’t bother me, I wasn’t upset, it just wasn’t funny.  At one point when he did it again and I rolled my eyes, he jumped up to come over to hug me and say he was sorry if his teasing upset me.  I explained to hime, again, I wasn’t upset, I am not worried about my age, I simply just didn’t find the humor in it, yet he kept joking ad nauseam. He didn’t see my point of view and insisted I was really upset that he was teasing me.  I really just wanted to get out of there at this point.

Jim works for a large candy distributor and had brought me a massive bag filled with goodies from his work, he was really kind, but he was (exactly as he had described) goofy.  Goofy is not a trait I like.  You can be goofy with your kids, you can be goofy with your mates, but when you are on a date – please don’t be goofy.  I don’t think he can help it, he is actually a goofy kind of guy in a doh-doh-doh kind of way.

The date went fine, we shared some food.  He did another (what he thought was kind) thing and let me order an app he knew Ioved but he wouldn’t eat, and didn’t say so.  When the food came, of course I only ate half and the rest went to waste.  It wasn’t until a bit later whenI realized it was being wasted that I asked him if he didn’t like Tuna Tartare and he admitted he didn’t but was trying to be polite.  I only thought it was wasteful – had he told me he didn’t eat it, I would have eaten the entire app myself and only tasted the others, allowing him more food for the choices he liked.  Or, just not shared. Either would have been fine had he spoken up.  It wasn’t a bad thing, I just thought it was a bit strange not to speak up.

He mentioned multiple times how his new apartment really needed a woman touch.  He complimented me much too much, particularly on my shape (muscles and slimness).  He was a bit googly-eyed over me, which would be welcome when I like someone! :\  He talked to much about his own age (57) and how youthful and fit he was.  Honestly, he did look younger than his age, but not as young as he thought – he did not look like a man in his 40s.

Jim really didn’t do anything wrong, he was just too goofy for me overall and his whiney voice grated on me by the end of the evening.  I had to drive him round to his car parked in a further lot so we kissed goodnight….it was not a good kiss, so it further cemented the “definitely not for me in my head.

I thanked him in person and by text later that evening.  He text 2 days later that he was thinking of me, or at least I think thats what the text was because he used an acronym I never say “TAU” (thinking about you?).  I didn’t reply as I was out with my friend, but I also still haven’t replied.  I should be kind and not ghost because I know how it sucks.  If he writes again, I will be honest, but if he doesn’t, I will let it go.

I feel like dating is becoming more of a drag than not lately.