Author: Madeline Harper

After the conversation with Scott last weekend I realized what little reserves I had stored up were entirely depleted. I had also been struggling with a personality at work as well as an exceptionally long and busy week. By Wednesday I was tapped out.

Add to this I haven’t done any working out for close to two months and I’m not eating well.

I’m speaking to Scott. I have told you and my therapist and no one else. I am not getting into a relationship with him. If he continues down a path of self care, I said I would consider seeing him and friendship off in the future.

I am embarrassed or perhaps ashamed to even write it because I know people do not change and I am giving too much to a person who didn’t care enough to give back to me and take care of me for months. I know not to trust this person. I know this could be love bombing. I know all of the things and still I feel a part of my head settle because it feels like some sort of repair.

I spoke to my therapist about it and about trauma bonding and about how we all try to repair our childhood traumas and we just can’t. I see this on his part and on mine.

I’ve been working hard all week to understand myself and I know none of this work happens fast but, I swear, I need whatever part of my child that rules me to feel safe more quickly so I can stop turning to the wrong places seeking it.

I can write about it, read about, repeat it and do allllll the things I’m supposed to but I cannot seem to consistently act on it. Sometimes it’s like I’m two people. My crazy has been replaced by desperation (though it doesn’t feel that way, I am just giving it that name).

If I do not find a key for how to accept what is about to happen in my life (selling the house, potentially moving) I am going to have a nervous breakdown and continue to fall back to negative patterns. I need to find this key that is going to motivate or encourage me to step forward on my own. I have found it before but these past two years it feels more elusive than ever.

I’m not dumb. Or desperate. I don’t have the self control or the self worth I need to do what I should be doing. I do not know how to find it. And having my entire circle worrying about me is making me want to hide and withdraw. Keeping myself out of my own head and vulnerable is more work than I expected and it’s draining those around me. the therapist help but I also cannot afford her more than once a week and I’ve budgeted for a limited amount of sessions.

I know I need to break this down into small pieces and do what I can. Some days that happens. But I keep looking at September and seeing a black hole. In my dreams even. It’s as if my life stops in September because I cannot accept what is happening to me and I can’t figure out how to.

And he stepped back in, disguised as the man I always wanted (because in those two weeks he went to therapy and read the books he was supposed to read with me) and has a few tools at his disposal to better understand me. I’m not blind to what’s happening. I just don’t know how to self soothe

I just don’t know.

This is new.

This is not what I’ve felt so many times.

Not the crushing pain in my chest. The sobbing heartbreak. The utter brokenness.

There were still similarities. I couldn’t think straight. I was disoriented. Foggy. I was obsessing for about 10 days over him to try and uncover clues I may have missed. Lots and lots of tears.

I have identified the core of what attracts me to him and what kept me with him and these things are so strong, so important to me that I am struggling to let these go in the face of all the other things that are wrong.

And there is so, so much more wrong than there is right.

But this is going to be about what was right.

Because I am going to turn this around – TODAY.

Scott was a nice guy, for a hot minute. Whatever he was at the beginning he was NOT after Thanksgiving. I clung to the first version of him with desperate hope and made excuse after excuse when I KNEW better – I KNEW BETTER! I knew this guy wasn’t right for me FROM THE FIRST DATE.

But, here are those things, the things that created the Halo effect I couldn’t let go of after everything we did to each other.

• He made me laugh. Out loud and hard. At him. With him. He made me want to laugh all the time. He was silly. He looked for ways to make me laugh. He tried to get the giggle out of me and loved to be rewarded with the belly laugh. I loved to laugh for him and with him. I loved to look for things to make him laugh. In hindsight he was not witty, but I realized this didn’t matter as much – he was funny. (must have absolute non-negotiable for me, the dude must be funny)
• He loved my body and face and never made me feel self conscious for one minute of any day. This is simply unique for me. I was always beautiful. Part of this was because I didn’t care enough about what he thought of me in the beginning which was liberating, but once I did care, I realized he accepted all of my physicality as it was and that was so immensely freeing that I cannot explain. I am terrified to experience exposing myself to another man again. This may be one of my greatest all time fears second to the fear of being alone. (must have: body acceptance). Scott did this really well, I give him a lot of credit for this – but it was also the only thing he complimented me on, my looks.
• I don’t want to be alone. He kept me company. We met just weeks before covid. We did become friends. Unfortunately I feel that the relationship will have killed the friendship and we won’t be able to get back to it ever again. I will miss being friends with Scott and the ability to talk about random nothingness at length. I loved how he liked to investigate random nothingness as much as I did. He had an innate curiosity about things (just not about human emotion). We were buddies. I couldn’t figure out how to keep the relationship in this light zone. I’m not built for it but it would most likely would have survived here floating on the surface and never diving deep. (must have: be friends)
• He would have moved with me. Wherever I was was going to be where he was. No questions. He didn’t have ties. While I loved that he would have done this for me, I also have to acknowledge that I am tied to my family and friends and my roots run deep. He doesn’t understand that and maybe he even didn’t like that “just us” was never going to be enough for me. I wanted a family around me. But, the chances of me finding someone willing to change coasts with me is slim. He taught me to look at it as an adventure. (must have: deep family values)

• He is smart and I learned something from him most days because he stayed well informed. He had a lot of free times so he ready quite a bit and watched a lot of news. (must have: high intelligence)

• I loved to work out with him and he was very physically fit. he was fit and active his entire life which also included healthy eating. He encouraged me to do better and even ran a marathon with me. This was excellent for me and such a great influence. He always encouraged me to work out, take walks, drink my water, eat well. And I always encouraged him to eat snacks. It was a perfect balance. (must have: aligned fitness goals)
• He was easy to live with. we just moved through a day together easily. My x and I used to have those age old arguments of who left clothes in the washer, or dishes on the counter, or the lid off the toothpaste, or drank the last of the milk. Not so with Scott, we were both highly considerate of the other in the home.
• He was a great cook and I loved preparing meals and cooking with him. I learned so much. (nice to have)
• Sex was good, not great. I would have preferred a more generous lover.
• He had a sense of adventure and wanted to go places and do things. He was willing to travel anywhere and was happy I was researching places and trips. (must have: sense of adventure)
• In the beginning he made it abundantly clear I was his girlfriend, that I was important to him and we had a future
• I believed he would never cheat on me, in this sense I trusted him. But, we also know I trust them all. I am gullible.
• He could build, fix or make anything – a house, a car, a computer – anything. I always admire this in a man. In the beginning, he was very helpful at my home, but I criticized him once (and I was wrong and I apologized more than a dozen times because he never let it die) and he never lifted a finger again. (nice to have)
• We loved to touch one another and always held hands. Conversely, he slept very far away and didn’t really love the snuggle.
• Our politics are aligned

I am sure there may be other things, but this is a comprehensive enough list with the must-haves at the top, the things I can’t live without and you might be surprised that no where in the list is my normal fluff. When I write my must-have’s I can think of important value’s that are also missing (like having peer relationships, honesty, emotional IQ, not being a heavy drinker etc) and I’m glad I took the time to write down what I did love about him.

I’m putting it out there – he brought a lot of good stuff to the table – let’s get this out into the universe so I can bring it back to me because I deserve all this and more from a good man.

There are many smaller things, but none as important, I think, as the ones above.

The list for the mismatches is much longer. Some things I didn’t even think about until I started to write.

Did I forget or did I bury it or a combo of both?

A while back, maybe January or early February when Scott was here and we often went out to eat, he began complaining no matter where we went to eat. I forgot about it until just now. I don’t know what triggered this memory, except he is mostly on a loop on and off all day, so I guess the rando memories are going to come up.

We were at different restaurants and nothing was good enough. I wouldn’t say I disagreed, one place his steak wasn’t cooked well (twice), another place the service was slow and just not great, another place the food was mediocre.

At the place where the service was poor, at the end of the service, the manager came over to check on us as he had complained. Halfway through the time we were there, the server changed and the second server was amazing and we made a note of it (to the second server). So we assume she told her manager and he came over to check on us. While we were standing, whatever the manager said to Scott set him off, and Scott got angry. I was embarrassed enough to walk away. Scott complained that the manager was a bit trite and perhaps should have offered a free drink or something and not asked “how was your service” when he knew service sucked. I didn’t feel that way in the moment, maybe the manager didn’t speak to the server, maybe he was just making his rounds and asking perfunctory questions and Scott jumped down his throat.

I just recall being so uncomfortable by the confrontation I had to walk away and outside the restaurant as I couldn’t’ be a part of whatever was happening between Scott and the manager.

Another time (the 2nd time he left me at a hotel) we were at a historic inn and the server delivered him warm beer and didn’t move the plates out of the way when we were not eating. He was angry with me that day. So angry that he complained the entire time about his beer and then did not leave her a tip on our drinks.

These were not the only times Scott jumped at a server or hostess for not getting the type of service he wanted when he wanted. I always tend to go the polite route, particularly in covid times when everyone is under undue pressure.

I know there is always that saying that you should look at how people treat service people because it will show you what type of person they are. Until this very moment, I don’t think I realized what a piece of crap he could be because he was so exceptionally good to “his” bartenders at “his” places that I think I overlooked these bad behaviors. Again, something that didn’t really show itself until this year when his personality began to change.

I still don’t feel great, but I do feel a bit less weepy. I still feel pretty emotional and sort of sick so I don’t know if it the hormones, the breakup or the vaccine at this point. I did finally get outside for a walk after almost 2 weeks of pure inactivity.

The breakup, the hormones from the d&c pill, and the vaccine have probably all contributed to the way I have felt this week. I know I’m an emotional creature so the hormones wreak additional havoc on a fragile state of mind but the feverish delusions were a killer mid week.

Today is the first day I opened my eyes and wondered why he wasn’t the first thing in my mind

I remember the day after we broke up, when I was still at his home. I slept alone in his bed and I had a large glass of wine and took a sleeping pill and knocked myself out from all the crying. When I woke up, the light was seeping through the windowpane, I felt rested and for the one very split second that I acknowledged I was happy upon waking in my lovers bed, the more deeply seated sadness swept through me in the exact same instant that the relationship was over. It was a horrible and final thought and feeling. I don’t recall actually understanding anything this distinct before right in the moment it was happening before. (I mean waking up with a moment of forgetfulness and then having that awful and sudden realization it wasn’t just a bad dream.)

I learned from Tony that when I’m this fragile, when my anxiety wants to take control, it’s better just to take a sleeping pill and Xanax and go to sleep. No use trying to fight it. No sense in having a glass of wine because the wine makes me melancholy and wants to reach out. I just need sleep. I need to restore my mind and body with forgetfulness so it can do the proper work of healing the next day. I won’t need to medicate for long, but a week or two won’t kill me if it gives me the rest my body needs. For one moment I felt shame because Scott threw back at me that I take “a bottle of pills” when I’m stressed. Yes, they are there when I need them. I don’t need to justify a medical condition nor liken it to his smoking, and he shouldn’t have either.

I’ve done a lot of reading and watched some videos. I’m journaling at least once a day here. I even had a really good conversation with my son and, to my surprise, my x husband.

Here’s a really strange thought. I don’t think I was ever proud enough of Scott. Or proud at all. Perhaps he knew this. Sensed this. It occurred to me after I spoke to my x. As any reader of my blog knows, our hate for one another ran deep for years. We have both done a lot of work and a lot of growing and have come to a place of acceptance and perhaps even partial understanding. There is no more hate between us. I wish he was a better parent to my boys but he will always be selfish and much of my own shame and guilt is derived from his selfishness and my desire to compensate for being a present and available parent. That’s neither here or there, the point really was, after talking to him the thought occurred to me I might be a bit embarrassed to introduce Scott to my x.

How fucken weird is that?

Like all kinds of wtf, right?

But there must be something to that. That if I somehow, somewhere felt that I wouldn’t want to introduce Scott to a man I divorced, something must be wrong. It does cross my mind that years of mercilessly being teased by my x, and his derogatory comments about anyone weigh into that thought subconsciously, but I still think it’s sort of disturbing to me.

And then I realize I was never proud of Scott from the beginning and it was my mistake for thinking that was something I would perhaps grow to accept. I recall thinking about it along the way. I introduced him to one friend and some family. He always seemed uncomfortable around my people but yet had started out as gregarious with me. I was baffled by it and didn’t give it enough thought. He seemed to lack social ease among strangers which was odd for someone who claims to get along with everyone, but as I dig deep, I’m not exactly sure I understand why, but acknowledge he didn’t have the type of social grace I would want from him to bring him around my extended circle, including business associates. My mistake here was thinking his job and his two MBA’s meant he had developed better interpersonal skills.

As I learned along the way, his job didn’t require him to interact with (shall we say) some of the most salient people, he was often brought in to “do the dirty work” or “make heads roll” because he was good at roughing people up to get them to comply. I was fooled by the word mediator until I started to listen to some of his work calls and gain a better understanding of his role. He didn’t work within a team, he was an independent contributor, each case being a singular and independent case from the last. So while he needed to be (and was) highly skilled and educated in his area and the legalities of it, because he was the government, he didn’t need to be a good people person. I missed the people part of his job entirely because he always talked about the people he worked with and it took much later to realize they were simply office buddies.

Scott is a really smart man, he just doesn’t have good interpersonal skills and he is immature. Looking back, the signs were there built right into his history, I just didn’t see them. He attended college in his 30s when he could afford to put himself through school which explains why he associates with younger people so easily, his social circle was never built with peer relationships. When he couldn’t build those relationships at work, he built them at the bar or through this daughter.

My kids have started talking to me about Scott and one mentioned he never had a conversation with Scott while he was here where Scott wasn’t drunk. I was horrified. I had no idea. I didn’t even think it was that obvious but I suppose it was to him. They also told me they heard him be cruel to me more than once and continually stonewall me. I had no idea this was all so apparent in the last few months. My brother told me he thought he was very strange and there was something off about him. Everyone is relieved it is over.

My kids didn’t understand why I wasn’t complaining sooner, nor do my friends and family. I know now how much I was hiding and holding back. I shared very little about Scott because I realized it was bad. I knew if I told the bad stuff it would shade the good and I wanted to give this relationship a chance on my own without their input. Maybe this was a mistake. The only place I spoke was here.

My fog is starting to lift a little. I’m still not sure if I wouldn’t answer a text if he sent one but I know it won’t be me reaching out any time soon.

My blog has been a lifesaver for me for years. Although I am only consistent during tough times, it is when I need to journal the most. I have been so lucky to have readers engage with me thoughtfully and honestly, even when the truth hurts. This particular comment from Jana really addresses so many of my own questions I figured it would be great to copy and past both Jana’s comments and my answers as I work through it.

I had one post written and scheduled for this morning before I read Jana’s comments and its sort of eerie how many of her own thoughts were starting to surface in my head. It often takes me a while to sort through the emotional murkiness I create for myself.

Thanks for all the thought starters Jana – you have always been such a great support and eye-opener for me and I always appreciate you.

Jana’s comments are in italics and my thoughts/replies/comments are in regulars font.

You have every right to have boundaries and dealbreakers. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for that. However, an area where you can do better is to to not let anyone cross those boundaries. Of course, they may do it – but you shouldn’t redraw the boundary to keep the relationship going. If smoking was a dealbreaker, then the first time you learned he was smoking (especially since he knew this was not something you would tolerate and after he lied to you about it), then that would have been the time to end the relationship.

Quite frankly, in my view the lying should have been the biggest issue. I don’t smoke and I don’t want to be with a smoker – but at least if they came out and told me, ‘Look, I do smoke. I’m trying not to smoke so much, but I’m probably always going to want to smoke from time to time.” Then you could have a real and reasonable conversation about the smoking, possible compromises (not just bullshit promises to quit) and then make a decision on whether you can tolerate that or not. With Scott, he lied up front (I’m sure because you had mentioned you would not be with a smoker and he wanted to bang you) — but then once he had gotten what he wanted, he let you “find out” that he was smoking. You bitched about it and he told you he wouldn’t – but then he did. Then you bitched about it some more and he said he would only smoke cigars – but he smoked more than that (after all, you had stayed after that first time). You bitched some more and he became progressively more angry and resentful until he told you straight up he would do what he wanted, especially in his own home. In my humble opinion, the first time you determined that he was smoking (which meant he was lying), I would have thanked him for the memories and ended the relationship. He certainly can do what he wants and set his own boundaries, especially in his home, but you don’t have to debase yourself by staying.

*This is all 100% accurate. Had he been honest, at any time, a conversation would have been possible.

I would suggest that you really examine 1) Why you were willing to keep adjusting your boundaries in order to stay in the relationship. *I adjusted (for smoking) because I wanted to believe what he was saying rather than what I felt to be true in my gut. Also, because he never smoked around me (except the very first fight in Dec, then he never did again) and he would do his best to be sure I didn’t smell it or taste it before we were together. When he said he wanted to quit (and he had quit once in his life) I believed he would want to quit again.

Do you feel you must be in a relationship to be happy? Is your sense of self-worth based on whether someone finds you attractive and desirable? *A half answer is mostly yes to both questions. I am not entirely unhappy outside of relationship, I am happier within. I have such severe body dysmorphia that, yes, much of my self-worth is centered around being comfortable in my body, not necessarily in being attractive. Desirable, yes (but not in a sexual way, just overall).

Do you not have enough activities or close friends to help you with any loneliness you feel? *Sure, I have plenty. They do not fulfill me the way a partner does.

and 2) Why do you have the mistaken belief that you can change someone – or that they SHOULD change in order to be with you? In a real, healthy relationship, neither party expects the other to change. Both parties realize that there are going to be things about the other person that drives them crazy – but they figure out a way to deal with that and/or compromise with love and respect. If one of the party is not willing to do that – the relationship will not work. *I submit that people do not change, but they do grow, and growing together, and even better, healing together, can be a beautiful thing. In the beginning with Scott I was entirely judgmental about all the normal things I usually am in dating, I let go of all of it, and saw other behaviors that I didn’t even have any idea I needed to be wary of because I hadn’t been exposed to them (in a sense).

You are not the bad guy here — but I would submit that Scott is not really the bad guy either. He lied, which is something I would not have tolerated, and he treated you with disrespect, which is equally bad. But you also lied – to yourself when you kept convincing yourself that he would change or that the relationship was healthy. And you treated him with disrespect when you started to nag him about his behaviors (smoking, drinking, hanging out with younger people, staying in his job). *Nag seems a strong word here. We had one discussion about his drinking where he admitted he drank too much and was pulling back, that was not at my request – it was because he blacked out twice when I wasn’t with him. He was also with the kids when this happened. So the conversation with the kids and drinking happened once. I was on his about his job early on but stopped long before the Thanksgiving holiday, acknowledging it wasn’t my place and in an effort to understand I had to accept his decisions. The smoking caused one big argument in December then did not appear again until March. It is easy to pull out the big ones as they are so obvious, but they are also the ones I tended to focus on the least as I knew they created the most tension.

You can’t change Scott (or anyone), but you can change yourself. But first you have to be willing to really examine your roll in your history of failed relationships. That’s a pretty hard thing to do and not fun at all. But then you need to figure out a game plan for future dating and relationships. A plan where you are not so desperate to be with someone. Where you expect respect and truth and will not tolerate disrespect. Where you get to the point where you really understand that, while you will never be perfect (and that is OK – none of us are), that you are always trying to grow and that you are willing to accept that the other party will not be perfect, but that’s OK as long as they are trying to be the best human they can be. *I believed that is what I was trying to do with Scott, I really do. I was striving at every turn with Scott, to be a better person.

The line about “expecting truth and not tolerate disrespect” should be my mantra. I have found this impossible to abide by, which does make it appear as if I am desperate to remain in relationship at all costs.

I would suggest that you also work on why it is so important to your sense of worth or your view of a “good” relationship that a man needs to follow the scripting you have in your head of how they should act – how often they should be texting and calling, how many and what types of gifts and perks they should be buying for you, how they should anticipate all of your needs on a first date. All of that is mostly superficial bullshit and doesn’t allow either party to really get to know the other to find out who they really are and what is important to them in life or in a relationship. *With Scott, this all fell to the side. I thought about these things during dating, then evaluated the importance of them over how I felt when I was having fun with Scott. I can’t say I don’t think about it, I’m not sure when (or if ever) I won’t think about some of it, but I do realize what I feel is important on a date now, and what isn’t.

Hopping into bed as quickly as you do may also be contributing to your pattern – women especially equate sex with feelings, love, or some sort of bond. Take sex out of the equation until you really have a handle on who someone is and if he’s worthy of that next step. *we can agree to disagree to a point. I had no emotional feelings for Scott post sex for many, many months. Same with other men I had sex with after Tony. HOWEVER, I also know there is a risk that when I get a little crush on someone, that’s when I should stay out of bed – that’s when the trouble starts with the imaginary bonds. Sex with Scott was very good, but I never felt the emotional connection, that real passion, I have had in the past – it was ALWAYS missing from sex.

You’ve got a continued difficult road ahead if you’re serious about becoming more emotionally healthy and learning to love yourself instead of just medicating your pain and doubt with quick fixes like weight loss surgery and drama-filled relationships. As you have found out, time and time again, these types of things cause more pain and heartache, more doubt, more guilt, and in the case of your surgery, it almost cost you your life. You deserve better, Madeline – but only you can do the hard work to make things different and better. *I love this comment Jana and it really helped me clear out some cobwebs. Strangely enough I had some of these thoughts the other nights and had written a post on lying…..I should have identified that trigger as the smoking gun long before the actual smoking (there must be a great play on words in there for a more clever person!).

I am confident, despite what has happened with Scott, that I have changed and grown. I don’t understand myself and why I want to accept an unhealthy relationship, or why that feels more comfortable to me than having no relationship. I don’t have those answers yet. I am searching for them though and I appreciate having you as a trail guide along my path. Thank you, Jana.

Over the past week all the journaling, talking to friends, my therapist and just getting more days between Scott has helped me to sort through all the different layers of things that were intertwined and which I couldn’t seem to unravel well enough to see what was clearly in front of me HAD I BEEN HONEST WITH MYSELF.

I have resolved to rake over as much of my memory while it is still intact as I often bury and forget thing in order to move on, it has always been my own way of compartmentalizing trauma. So, if I don’t get this stuff out of my head now, I won’t be as clear about it later. It’s important now as it is as close to reality as it will ever be.

I was raised in a home where lying was the order of the day. My parents lied to us and trained us to lie on their behalf for a multitude of reasons. I learned to lie well at a young age. However, as I grew independent in my own relationships in life and away from my parents, I realized how much I hated lying (much like I hate smoking) and resolved to try and live a life that was more transparent. I had probably already indirectly acknowledged this at a very young age and its why my personality is so direct and critical, I want things to be right, true, not false – because it felt like everything around me was false, I could never really tell if and when my parents were lying. Then I married a man who did the same and the pattern continued. I even have one son who can’t help himself, he lies for sport and he knows it. Lying can make me anger almost more quickly than anything else, it is probably one of my worst triggers and the hardest for me to control. I think part of the reason it sets me off so badly is I hate when I don’t see it coming, and, of course, I am often fooled because I always believe in the good of people.

I believe people genuinely want to be good and honest and this isn’t always the case. Honesty for me may be one thing, and it may be entirely another for someone else. People talk about some types of white lies being ok, and I get confused about where you draw the line at that. Sometimes a type of storytelling or embellishment to a story is a bit of a lie, right? I guess it’s all in your perception of what a lie is.

And, for me, this is a very, very unclear line.

Scott is a storyteller. He loves to embellish a story and refers to many of his stories as “legendary.” In the beginning I was a little confused by the voracity of his stories, some seemed so outlandish, but as time wore on, and as he repeated them (often as it turns out) I understood the stories to be almost entirely true. Almost, but not quite. Let’s just say close enough to the truth. Over time, when the story was repeated I could glean the different details and sometimes could ask a question or two and get the whole (truthful) story out of him.

I think that I have been lied to so much over the years in my relationships that I tend to try and believe what I am being told instead of what my gut is telling me, or worse yet, what I am seeing with my own eyes.

Scott’s first lie was about smoking. But his next was about a woman.

And, I should have had the courage to end it right then and there – that night – except I was in another state with no transportation at his mercy. We did argue, pretty badly that night – when I heard the lie about the woman and the lie about the smoking and he went off the rails at me with anger. I tried to fix it then too, because up until that point things with Scott had been fun, happy and good.

I wrote about that first bad argument in early December. All the signs were there.

I saw them. I wrote about them. And I looked the other way for fucks sake.

From December until the end of March, I let the same behavior get worse and nothing I could do was going to fix it. Mark my words, whatever set Scott of initially, whatever trigger I pulled – that lever never came back level. Not only did his actions become more disrespectful but I allowed it to happen.

The question is why.

The question has always been why.

I thought, by being with Scott, I was striving to be better – I was dumping so many of my old scripts out the window. It wasn’t easy, it really wasn’t easy – and I wasn’t asking for anyone’s applause. I wanted Scott to see me, to ask questions, to understand how I had changed and how I was growing and how hard it was for me, just how much I wanted to do it. I took his criticism of me to heart, I wanted to hear what he said so I could be a better person, but while doing that, I was also stepping over my own boundaries and sending the wrong message time after time.

I suppose in hindsight the message was that if I can’t value my own boundaries and standards, neither should Scott.

Everyone can preach about self love. My therapist wanted to introduce to me to God yesterday and it took all my power to not quit her on the spot (I do not know what I believe, but I do know this is not something I want in my therapy. Also, to be fair, I made this clear when I hired her long ago, I did not want God or religion brought into therapy ever as I know she does religious therapy). Self love, God, self-worth, gratitude, acceptance – I know, I get it – these are all the valuable and important internal mechanisms I am missing. People can repeat these words to me until they are blue in the face but I do not understand what it means. I only seem to understand the pain and abuse. I only seem to understand the neglect. I do not truly understand how to get away from it and just sit with myself and be happy with just myself and what I have. I have also read extensively that some people just can’t do it alone, some people need a relationship to be successful at finding that self-love – what if I’m one of those people? What if I can’t do this alone?

All I can say is I feel very, very alone.

It’s been a week and a day since it ended, a week since I left him.

I have looked for emails or text from him every day, even though I know its fruitless. Good thing too, because I already know I am weaker than he is. I feel like every man I have ever met is stronger than I am, they all have more self worth than I do.

I have friends who check on me, but I know better than to keep talking about it which is why the word vomit here is so abundant. I know journaling gets it all out of my head and on to paper. I know, after Mexico in particular, that I must write and write and write, until the pain is less tangible in my body. It does flow out through my fingers on to the page. The tears often come out too.

Between the vaccine and getting my period after almost 11 months without a period and this breakup, my emotions are running rampant and are very hard to keep in check. I haven’t worked out in a month (since he left me at the hotel in February I lost all the will to exercise), I’m not eating well, and I have little to no focus on anything. After sitting in bed for 2 days in delirium, I gave myself today to skip one more workout and focus on just getting my act together at work (because we don’t also want to lose a job now do we?). Tomorrow I can focus on a little exercise and map out a plan to get a routine back together.

I am unsure if I ever told this story, but back when Tony and I split and he went to work for Peloton, I thought buying the bike would make me feel closer to him. It didn’t. The bike became a coat hanger for 7 months or so. Then, one day, I realized it was silly to own such an expensive piece of equipment and not use it, and my love of exercise (or some version of love) was born. In the back of my head I also thought, if my xbf was going to be taking care of himself, how dumb was I to not take care of myself? Revenge body anyone? I don’t think my thoughts were that literal at the time, but something like that. Scott is a lifetime athlete, he inspired me to do well, and to work with him. Maybe I am depressed I am going to miss my partner because he was the first man that I was able to share my new found love of running and Peloton (and he embraced it with me). His blocking me on Peloton is a real slap in the face, there is no actual interaction with one another, you can just see each other workouts. He knew this would hurt me, yet it is no cost to him. At the moment, I need to unwind my exercise from Scott or I am afraid I will lose the love of something that has become critical to my sanity. AS I am writing this, I didn’t realize how I was correlating the two, but this seems to be the only answer for why I have lost my passion right now.

I do miss him. And each time I miss him I say (out loud) “cancel, cancel” (thank you @miaknipst). Sometimes it works. I know ultimately nothing works but time and I just have to get through it. I don’t understand how someone so very smart (and he is very smart, two impressive MBA’s) doesn’t have any desire to work on themselves. I just don’t get it. I believed we could have helped one another in so many ways. I know that I can only help myself, do my own work, and continue to grow and cultivate my own self-worth.

The one image I try to keep in mind is this: each time I cried he would look at me and he would be dead, just dead, behind his eyes. No emotion. Not pity, sympathy, empathy or concern. Maybe not even disgust. Just an absolute look of blank deadness. To me, the look was cruel and I couldn’t meet his eyes. I suppose in the moment I thought there was anger, but he didn’t especially demonstrate overt anger (and I think this was especially contrived, he tried hard not to display anger). The words in his letter do not align with the image on his face, or the anger that spewed from his mouth about how he really felt when I exhibited emotions he didn’t understand (they were always “outbursts”). I need this image to haunt me when I am weak because it was horrifying to see someone who claims they love you, that claims you are the one they “feel in their soul” are their lifetime partner, reflects back at you.

This cannot be what love looks like. Love cannot harbor this much disdain, even at the end as things fall apart. Perhaps he loved me as best he knew how. He certainly loved a thought of me, an ideal.