Borderline Personality Disorder

Stumbled across this term today and don’t know how I’ve missed it. Or why my therapist never suggested it.

Unfortunately, it feels like all the markers of BPD point right at my behaviors:

1. Intense fear of abandonment

2. A pattern of unstable relationships

3. An unclear and shifting self image

4. Impulsive or self destructive behaviors

5. Mood Swings

6. Self harm

7. Ongoing feelings of emptiness

8. Extreme anger

9. Loss of contact with reality/disassociates

I read that often times BPD’s close friends are: depression, anxiety and eating disorders – all of which I have in spades.

I know that self-diagnosis isn’t the best idea. But how do you help yourself when searching for answers to how you feel and can’t seem to snap out of it anymore?

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “Borderline Personality Disorder”

  1. My mom was probably BPD. My daughter, while in med school, called me to ask if I had ever thought about that. I hadn’t heard of it until then, but my mom was a classic case. I would suggest you talk to your therapist. Perhaps she has thought of it, but hasn’t discussed it with you…. Hugs to you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Birdie. Yes I plan to after the holiday. She generally says I have severe PTSD and there is a lot of BPD that is also very similar to PTSD. This seems to be a relatively newer diagnosis that’s accepted in the community as it was shunned in the past.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think it’s great that something clicks to you- because it means you are learning to identify the destructive issues. It’s important to note that BPD is a pile of behaviours and while you may possess a lot of them- and may actually have the disorder- it’s not you. You get to choose. You get to decide to work on things.

    Often diagnosis just brings clarity, or also the ability to cope. So if you’re wondering about this, feel free to dig in. Figure out which of these things upsets your world in the worst ways- and work on finding coping mechanisms or ways to deal with these things. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and a panic disorder …. And I have been dealing with both with medication and therapy, and I know you also don’t shy away from working on yourself. I applaud you for digging into this. I think it takes a lot of self reflection to work on who you are, and how you want your life to be. Lots of people know they are BPD and don’t do anything. Or take meds but don’t strive to change their habits. I feel like you want your world to feel more stable, to have some peace and learn to be ok …. I want that for youZ

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hey there so nice to hear from you.

      Everything you said is true. I am diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder since post my mothers death. It came out in spades. I’ve learned a lot of tools during the past 10 years as well as lots of meds to help with the anxiety. But this year took it to a while new level and I have been contemplating changing meds but shy away from other recommendations that might affect my sex lite or dull my senses – I’ve been there before and not sure I want to feel that way again. I’m still in therapy and don’t foresee that going away any time soon.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. If you haven’t already, you might talk to the provider who is prescribing your meds about Wellbutrin for depression. It is in a different class than serotonin agents, such as Zoloft and the like. Bupropion (the generic name for Wellbutrin) is a norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor (NDRI). Bupropion does not have many of the side effects that SSRIs have, such as sexual side effects, weight gain, apathy, sedation, and withdrawal problems. There have also been recent studies that show Wellbutrin is helpful with anxiety, better than Lexapro which a lot of docs prescribe for anxiety and depression. Some docs prescribe it in addition to an SSRI to help with those sexual side effects, but I found that Wellbutrin alone worked better for me – plus, it helped with some of my unwanted behaviors, such the impulse to always pick at any scab until they were very scarred or infected. It doesn’t work for everyone. I dated a guy once who said it made him feel jittery. I’ve never had any side effects with it – but I do pair it with 25-50mg of Trazadone each night to help with sleep (my psychiatrist said that it is the only sleep aid that actually improves the quality of sleep). Trazadone is also an anti-depressant, but it would need to be taken in much larger doses to help with that (and then you’d be asleep all the time! 🙂 I might also suggest that, if you are not already, that you consult a psychiatrist. My PCP was well intentioned, but the stuff she prescribed just made everything worse. I finally decided that if my brain chemicals needed treatment, it was best to go to a doctor who specialized in just that – and my psychiatrist is great and has helped me SOOO much! Clearly medication does not magically solve all problems, but it certainly helps one to cope much better and allows one to work with a therapist to change problematic behavior and be happier.

    Liked by 1 person

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