What happens when you are traumatized and the trauma continues or new trauma’s are piled right on top of old ones? Does defining my current state as Complex Emotional Trauma matter? Does knowing I have specific triggers, an inability to emotionally regulate, or a keen ability to disassociate make any difference at all?
All these words. What do they do for me?
I can read about trauma til I am blue in the face. Therapy works when I have a very specific task to focus on, but when it gets murky and ambiguous like this, I feel lost.
I am simply numb and in shock. I have one task right now and that’s self care. I need to get up every day and shower and go to work. I need to do the best that I can at the one thing I feel I have left which I have some control over.
Eating well, exercising, being a mother or a friend – all those things are secondary right now to surviving. I need to find myself through all of the loss I have experienced in past 3 years. I have nothing to give to anyone else until I can figure out how to give it to myself.
I never truly understood that saying “take care of others by taking care of of yourself.” I didn’t get it because I always had something to give. I always found that something for others, especially my children.
Right now I am angry with a couple of my kids. They are non-communicative. They don’t even know where I am living exactly and they are old enough to ask questions and understand. I suppose I just got slapped in the face with their sense of entitlement – they have a roof over their heads, their computers and gaming systems work – what do they need their mother for? I thought I had done better but it seems it isn’t so.
I wish I was angry with my boyfriend for getting so angry with me that he kicked me out, but I don’t feel much of anything.