After the conversation with Scott last weekend I realized what little reserves I had stored up were entirely depleted. I had also been struggling with a personality at work as well as an exceptionally long and busy week. By Wednesday I was tapped out.
Add to this I haven’t done any working out for close to two months and I’m not eating well.
I’m speaking to Scott. I have told you and my therapist and no one else. I am not getting into a relationship with him. If he continues down a path of self care, I said I would consider seeing him and friendship off in the future.
I am embarrassed or perhaps ashamed to even write it because I know people do not change and I am giving too much to a person who didn’t care enough to give back to me and take care of me for months. I know not to trust this person. I know this could be love bombing. I know all of the things and still I feel a part of my head settle because it feels like some sort of repair.
I spoke to my therapist about it and about trauma bonding and about how we all try to repair our childhood traumas and we just can’t. I see this on his part and on mine.
I’ve been working hard all week to understand myself and I know none of this work happens fast but, I swear, I need whatever part of my child that rules me to feel safe more quickly so I can stop turning to the wrong places seeking it.
I can write about it, read about, repeat it and do allllll the things I’m supposed to but I cannot seem to consistently act on it. Sometimes it’s like I’m two people. My crazy has been replaced by desperation (though it doesn’t feel that way, I am just giving it that name).
If I do not find a key for how to accept what is about to happen in my life (selling the house, potentially moving) I am going to have a nervous breakdown and continue to fall back to negative patterns. I need to find this key that is going to motivate or encourage me to step forward on my own. I have found it before but these past two years it feels more elusive than ever.
I’m not dumb. Or desperate. I don’t have the self control or the self worth I need to do what I should be doing. I do not know how to find it. And having my entire circle worrying about me is making me want to hide and withdraw. Keeping myself out of my own head and vulnerable is more work than I expected and it’s draining those around me. the therapist help but I also cannot afford her more than once a week and I’ve budgeted for a limited amount of sessions.
I know I need to break this down into small pieces and do what I can. Some days that happens. But I keep looking at September and seeing a black hole. In my dreams even. It’s as if my life stops in September because I cannot accept what is happening to me and I can’t figure out how to.
And he stepped back in, disguised as the man I always wanted (because in those two weeks he went to therapy and read the books he was supposed to read with me) and has a few tools at his disposal to better understand me. I’m not blind to what’s happening. I just don’t know how to self soothe
I just don’t know.