Second Sense

I heard from him.

I was surprised, but not surprised.

Before we broke his daughter was trying for a bar tending job she really wanted and she got it. She was so excited and I was happy for her and wanted to give her a little something. I had been telling him for months that she needed a real leather belt, so I figured this would be a good gift. I purchased it before we broke up.

Then promptly forgot about it until it was too late to cancel it. That’s fine. The girl has no strong adult women figures in her life and zero female encouragement, and she needed a belt. I knew the sentiment would be welcome.

The belt finally arrived mid week this week and I received a sweet little text from her. I replied with positive encouragement and a note about how I knew she would do well in the future blah blah.

The next morning, I received the first communication from Scott:

I was surprised at his text, but it was thoughtful. It didn’t set me back which was more surprising to me.

The next day I received another text from him asking for my referral code to buy a Peloton. I replied with the code and nothing else (I get money for the referral so I wasn’t turning it down!).

I was due to see a friend that evening and she’s fabulous with makeup so I asked her if she minded doing my makeup and taking some fresh photos for me so I would have updated profile pics for the dating apps and social media. While I was in her chair getting glam and we were discussing him, she asked what I thought and, before I realized what I was saying, I said I knew he would be reaching out again.

So that’s when it hit me. I think I knew, maybe, after the first text. But I knew, certainly, after the second. My gut told me that he was struggling with the reversal of me not reaching out to him as I had done almost every time in the past.

I went out with my friend and didn’t give him texting me another thought. Of course we spoke about him, but more about how I was ha doing it and what I was feeling and how I was taking one day at a time. I said that when he sent me the second text, something inside me released him.

Perhaps it was knowing that he missed me or that he cared. Or that he hurt. Maybe I needed the validation. Quite likely. Either way, I had noticed a small shift.

As it also happened, during the day I had my therapy appt and it was very constructive as I started to realize I had bigger fish to fry than Scott. I am facing serious life challenges ahead and can’t afford to have a partner who is anything less than supportive right now. Just like I would at work, I need to prioritize. I can date and have fun and find a fun partner to pal around with during the summer if I want, but my focus needs to be on what I’m doing with my home and career and I don’t need additional turmoil.

Of course the moment you put these things into the universe, the universe likes to throw in some twists and turns.

Scott text again this morning.

I haven’t replied. I will reply because I am not an asshole. I just don’t know what to reply. I miss my friend. But, I am not going back into relationship with Scott. Full stop. I am not going back into relationship with Scott.

You may feel I am being harsh, but the text doesn’t ring true to me and like all things Scott, I can’t pinpoint why. Maybe because he’s told me he’s never cried a day in his life and certainly not over a woman. Maybe because he’s told me he’s never had a broken heart. Or maybe it was the look in his eyes and face those last days and moments when he was so shut down to me.

Tell me what you think about the text and what I could reply that is kind and leaves a door open for a friend, in some future.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

16 thoughts on “Second Sense”

  1. Why does he think he KNOWS you miss him and are in pain? It sounds like a lot of bullshit to me. Of course he wants you back, that is a game many men sadly play… hot and cold. Take it as closure, he said some nice things and stay by your decision. Write him a few nice words back, but be clear that it wasnt meant to be, that you’ll concentrate on your future, that you wish him all the best… (of course that might fuel his fight instinct more – but for him it is more about being the loser. He seems to have some narcissitic tendencies if you ask me. The lovebombing at first, then you coulnd’t do anything right anymore….) And be clear about that the gift was ordered before the break up and couldnt be cancelled. He probably thinks that you tried to get in touch with him through that gift.

    Be strong. Stay strong. I think you are on a really good way and that you put yourself first.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Funny you picked up on the same weird thing I did – he KNOWS? I was. Sure. And he saw it. But I’m not in that place anymore because I’ve worked hard these last 2 weeks to get it out of my head snd make space for the right things, the things I should be prioritizing. I have myself 2 weeks to wallow over him. I’m done wallowing. I do miss my friend and buddy and partner terribly. I do. But not the man who treated me the way he did or looked at me with such awful disdain on the last day.

      It was good to get an actual apology not cloaked in finger pointing like his earlier letter.

      He knew before I left the gift was ordered, we spoke about it. I don’t feel the need to justify – more so because I don’t want to waste more words on him than necessary.

      I will answer him with something kind, I’m not exactly sure what just yet.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. He needs to do work for himself. Not for me. I was willing to do it with him when we were together. I was willing to put myself out there and endure the pain together. I am no longer willing to do that. He’s got to take care of himself.

      Like

  2. Hmmm … this rings so insincere and so fake. From everything you have described, it’s like artificial intelligence presenting the clumsiest, most superficial attempt to draw some dumb woman back into the fold.

    Think of Scott as a rude client apologizing for bad behavior at the end of a difficult project. My reply would be something bland that acknowledges his text.

    “Thank you for the text. I am continuing the introspective work to keep moving forward with confidence in myself and my choices. It is not an easy process, but I am making positive progress for my effort. Our paths have parted, but I wish you well on all future endeavors.”

    And Madeline: I whole-heartedly believe that you are doing the hard work and making positive progress.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m so happy you read through the insincere as well. He’s not crying. There’s no pain and worry in this text. I replied with thank you, I appreciated the thought.

      He followed up with two more and I suppose he was drinking:

      “i just wanted you to know that I think about you. That I will always be so in love with you.
      I’m here if you ever need something or someone in you corner “

      Hours later:

      “If you ever want to know how it went so poorly for us I think I can get through that from my viewpoint. Maybe it helps. Maybe not. Regardless- ring me if you want to talk”

      I didn’t see or read those while was out at dinner.

      Maybe I shouldn’t reply.

      I thought I left my mumble profile hidden and I guess it now cause he found me. Oh well.

      Like

  3. Argh. Do not engage with him. It feeds the dragon. That last text about wanting to tell you how it went poorly? He is itching to shit all over you again. That initial insincere text was only chum in the water to see if he could attract your attention. I wouldn’t have responded to his texts (except the Peleton referral code, cause that’s about $$). He’s pissed because you broke things off, not him. Your therapist is giving you great advice. Stay the heck away from him and his drama. Hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Classic hoovering. He knows he let a good fuel supply get away. He was getting everything he needed and not doing any of the work. ‘Now maybe if I say words she will come back and be amazing for me.’ Hé may has well have just sent a gif of a dancing monkey 🐒 ‘perform Madeline! Please be what I need on command and I will have the benefits of you while not engaging fully from my side because it’s hard.’

    You have learned so much from this and I’m so ecstatic that you value yourself more than this drivel. Well done! Too little too late is just that. If he wanted to try, he has had a year(?) to do so.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He has had 5 months to be a man, yesterday was the first time he was that man but I was out of the relationship already – heart and soul. What I feel is human empathy for a man I did feel love and companionship for – and something more, a trauma bond perhaps. But, I am not his dancing monkey.

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  5. ‘Ill always be here if you need someone in your corner’ READ: if you’re single next fall and I’m single next fall we can do the Christmas party circuit together and get messy at New Years with no strings. “ and the whole ‘I can get through that from my viewpoint? “Let’s get drunk and I will tell you nicely while trying to bang you that the relationship failed because you actually wanted me to be a partner but I’ll make it sound like a bad think that you are to blame for”

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is classic narcissistic behavior. When a narcissistic feels confident that they have snared their target, then they quickly show their true side and begin gaslighting. If their target breaks away, at first they are horrible – just like a little child who has had his/her favorite toy taken away and then throws a tantrum. But then, the fact that the target is no longer available, motivates the narcissist to start the hunt again. They will love bomb, write emotional letters/texts, promise to change, etc — but as soon as they have the target back in their grasp, the whole, terrible show will start again.

    Why would you even want to be friends with Scott? I certainly wouldn’t want a “friend” who treated me like shit and couldn’t muster up one iota of concern or compassion when things started to go south. That’s not a friend – no matter how wonderful things seemed to be at the beginning (because all of that was bullshit – it was all a calculated move to get you emotionally and physically involved).

    If you feel you must respond (and I would urge you to examine WHY you feel that way – is it that need to be admired, loved, and accepted??? If so, that’s not healthy. You do NOT need to be polite or buy into his (or anyone else’s) manipulation. Fuck politeness!), then I would respond much the way Janelle suggests. Quite frankly, I think even THAT is too much engagement. You don’t owe this man ANYTHING – even if your heart and emotions are telling you that you do, or that he did have his good qualities, or that he was so much fun to be around (how fun was it when you were crying and he was just staring at you with dead eyes and absolutely NO compassion or even the most basic human kindness that most would give a stranger?)

    Just walk away Madeline – no good comes from trying to get closure or to remain friends or to try to dissect or discuss the relationship. Do some research on narcissistic behavior and then save yourself even more heartache, confusion, and self-doubt.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gosh I’ve been tossing that around. Can you be part narcissist? This does feel like that FOR SURE. All that went through and goes through my mind is, he can’t keep this up.

      I do have to add “why do I want to be his friend” to my list to talk over with my therapist. I do feel I want to. Equally, I can’t get the dead eyes and lack of compassion out of my head.

      I suppose I don’t understand being so very calculated. Playing a long game to get someone and hurt someone. Just like I don’t understand alcoholism.

      While I find it all terribly confusing I am not confused about getting back into a romantic relationship with him. I can’t say my heart didn’t drift back there after the conversation, but my mind is planted firmly in the no way camp

      Like

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