This is new.
This is not what I’ve felt so many times.
Not the crushing pain in my chest. The sobbing heartbreak. The utter brokenness.
There were still similarities. I couldn’t think straight. I was disoriented. Foggy. I was obsessing for about 10 days over him to try and uncover clues I may have missed. Lots and lots of tears.
I have identified the core of what attracts me to him and what kept me with him and these things are so strong, so important to me that I am struggling to let these go in the face of all the other things that are wrong.
And there is so, so much more wrong than there is right.
But this is going to be about what was right.
Because I am going to turn this around – TODAY.
Scott was a nice guy, for a hot minute. Whatever he was at the beginning he was NOT after Thanksgiving. I clung to the first version of him with desperate hope and made excuse after excuse when I KNEW better – I KNEW BETTER! I knew this guy wasn’t right for me FROM THE FIRST DATE.
But, here are those things, the things that created the Halo effect I couldn’t let go of after everything we did to each other.
- He made me laugh. Out loud and hard. At him. With him. He made me want to laugh all the time. He was silly. He looked for ways to make me laugh. He tried to get the giggle out of me and loved to be rewarded with the belly laugh. I loved to laugh for him and with him. I loved to look for things to make him laugh. In hindsight he was not witty, but I realized this didn’t matter as much – he was funny. (must have absolute non-negotiable for me, the dude must be funny)
- He loved my body and face and never made me feel self conscious for one minute of any day. This is simply unique for me. I was always beautiful. Part of this was because I didn’t care enough about what he thought of me in the beginning which was liberating, but once I did care, I realized he accepted all of my physicality as it was and that was so immensely freeing that I cannot explain. I am terrified to experience exposing myself to another man again. This may be one of my greatest all time fears second to the fear of being alone. (must have: body acceptance). Scott did this really well, I give him a lot of credit for this – but it was also the only thing he complimented me on, my looks.
- I don’t want to be alone. He kept me company. We met just weeks before covid. We did become friends. Unfortunately I feel that the relationship will have killed the friendship and we won’t be able to get back to it ever again. I will miss being friends with Scott and the ability to talk about random nothingness at length. I loved how he liked to investigate random nothingness as much as I did. He had an innate curiosity about things (just not about human emotion). We were buddies. I couldn’t figure out how to keep the relationship in this light zone. I’m not built for it but it would most likely would have survived here floating on the surface and never diving deep. (must have: be friends)
- He would have moved with me. Wherever I was was going to be where he was. No questions. He didn’t have ties. While I loved that he would have done this for me, I also have to acknowledge that I am tied to my family and friends and my roots run deep. He doesn’t understand that and maybe he even didn’t like that “just us” was never going to be enough for me. I wanted a family around me. But, the chances of me finding someone willing to change coasts with me is slim. He taught me to look at it as an adventure. (must have: deep family values)
- He is smart and I learned something from him most days because he stayed well informed. He had a lot of free times so he ready quite a bit and watched a lot of news. (must have: high intelligence)
- I loved to work out with him and he was very physically fit. he was fit and active his entire life which also included healthy eating. He encouraged me to do better and even ran a marathon with me. This was excellent for me and such a great influence. He always encouraged me to work out, take walks, drink my water, eat well. And I always encouraged him to eat snacks. It was a perfect balance. (must have: aligned fitness goals)
- He was easy to live with. we just moved through a day together easily. My x and I used to have those age old arguments of who left clothes in the washer, or dishes on the counter, or the lid off the toothpaste, or drank the last of the milk. Not so with Scott, we were both highly considerate of the other in the home.
- He was a great cook and I loved preparing meals and cooking with him. I learned so much. (nice to have)
- Sex was good, not great. I would have preferred a more generous lover.
- He had a sense of adventure and wanted to go places and do things. He was willing to travel anywhere and was happy I was researching places and trips. (must have: sense of adventure)
- In the beginning he made it abundantly clear I was his girlfriend, that I was important to him and we had a future
- I believed he would never cheat on me, in this sense I trusted him. But, we also know I trust them all. I am gullible.
- He could build, fix or make anything – a house, a car, a computer – anything. I always admire this in a man. In the beginning, he was very helpful at my home, but I criticized him once (and I was wrong and I apologized more than a dozen times because he never let it die) and he never lifted a finger again. (nice to have)
- We loved to touch one another and always held hands. Conversely, he slept very far away and didn’t really love the snuggle.
- Our politics are aligned
I am sure there may be other things, but this is a comprehensive enough list with the must-haves at the top, the things I can’t live without and you might be surprised that no where in the list is my normal fluff. When I write my must-have’s I can think of important value’s that are also missing (like having peer relationships, honesty, emotional IQ, not being a heavy drinker etc) and I’m glad I took the time to write down what I did love about him.
I’m putting it out there – he brought a lot of good stuff to the table – let’s get this out into the universe so I can bring it back to me because I deserve all this and more from a good man.
There are many smaller things, but none as important, I think, as the ones above.
The list for the mismatches is much longer. Some things I didn’t even think about until I started to write.