I Don’t Even Know What This Feeling Is But Let’s Go With It

This is new.

This is not what I’ve felt so many times.

Not the crushing pain in my chest. The sobbing heartbreak. The utter brokenness.

There were still similarities. I couldn’t think straight. I was disoriented. Foggy. I was obsessing for about 10 days over him to try and uncover clues I may have missed. Lots and lots of tears.

I have identified the core of what attracts me to him and what kept me with him and these things are so strong, so important to me that I am struggling to let these go in the face of all the other things that are wrong.

And there is so, so much more wrong than there is right.

But this is going to be about what was right.

Because I am going to turn this around – TODAY.

Scott was a nice guy, for a hot minute. Whatever he was at the beginning he was NOT after Thanksgiving. I clung to the first version of him with desperate hope and made excuse after excuse when I KNEW better – I KNEW BETTER! I knew this guy wasn’t right for me FROM THE FIRST DATE.

But, here are those things, the things that created the Halo effect I couldn’t let go of after everything we did to each other.

  • He made me laugh. Out loud and hard. At him. With him. He made me want to laugh all the time. He was silly. He looked for ways to make me laugh. He tried to get the giggle out of me and loved to be rewarded with the belly laugh. I loved to laugh for him and with him. I loved to look for things to make him laugh. In hindsight he was not witty, but I realized this didn’t matter as much – he was funny. (must have absolute non-negotiable for me, the dude must be funny)
  • He loved my body and face and never made me feel self conscious for one minute of any day. This is simply unique for me. I was always beautiful. Part of this was because I didn’t care enough about what he thought of me in the beginning which was liberating, but once I did care, I realized he accepted all of my physicality as it was and that was so immensely freeing that I cannot explain. I am terrified to experience exposing myself to another man again. This may be one of my greatest all time fears second to the fear of being alone. (must have: body acceptance). Scott did this really well, I give him a lot of credit for this – but it was also the only thing he complimented me on, my looks.
  • I don’t want to be alone. He kept me company. We met just weeks before covid. We did become friends. Unfortunately I feel that the relationship will have killed the friendship and we won’t be able to get back to it ever again. I will miss being friends with Scott and the ability to talk about random nothingness at length. I loved how he liked to investigate random nothingness as much as I did. He had an innate curiosity about things (just not about human emotion). We were buddies. I couldn’t figure out how to keep the relationship in this light zone. I’m not built for it but it would most likely would have survived here floating on the surface and never diving deep. (must have: be friends)
  • He would have moved with me. Wherever I was was going to be where he was. No questions. He didn’t have ties. While I loved that he would have done this for me, I also have to acknowledge that I am tied to my family and friends and my roots run deep. He doesn’t understand that and maybe he even didn’t like that “just us” was never going to be enough for me. I wanted a family around me. But, the chances of me finding someone willing to change coasts with me is slim. He taught me to look at it as an adventure. (must have: deep family values)
  • He is smart and I learned something from him most days because he stayed well informed. He had a lot of free times so he ready quite a bit and watched a lot of news. (must have: high intelligence)
  • I loved to work out with him and he was very physically fit. he was fit and active his entire life which also included healthy eating. He encouraged me to do better and even ran a marathon with me. This was excellent for me and such a great influence. He always encouraged me to work out, take walks, drink my water, eat well. And I always encouraged him to eat snacks. It was a perfect balance. (must have: aligned fitness goals)
  • He was easy to live with. we just moved through a day together easily. My x and I used to have those age old arguments of who left clothes in the washer, or dishes on the counter, or the lid off the toothpaste, or drank the last of the milk. Not so with Scott, we were both highly considerate of the other in the home.
  • He was a great cook and I loved preparing meals and cooking with him. I learned so much. (nice to have)
  • Sex was good, not great. I would have preferred a more generous lover.
  • He had a sense of adventure and wanted to go places and do things. He was willing to travel anywhere and was happy I was researching places and trips. (must have: sense of adventure)
  • In the beginning he made it abundantly clear I was his girlfriend, that I was important to him and we had a future
  • I believed he would never cheat on me, in this sense I trusted him. But, we also know I trust them all. I am gullible.
  • He could build, fix or make anything – a house, a car, a computer – anything. I always admire this in a man. In the beginning, he was very helpful at my home, but I criticized him once (and I was wrong and I apologized more than a dozen times because he never let it die) and he never lifted a finger again. (nice to have)
  • We loved to touch one another and always held hands. Conversely, he slept very far away and didn’t really love the snuggle.
  • Our politics are aligned

I am sure there may be other things, but this is a comprehensive enough list with the must-haves at the top, the things I can’t live without and you might be surprised that no where in the list is my normal fluff. When I write my must-have’s I can think of important value’s that are also missing (like having peer relationships, honesty, emotional IQ, not being a heavy drinker etc) and I’m glad I took the time to write down what I did love about him.

I’m putting it out there – he brought a lot of good stuff to the table – let’s get this out into the universe so I can bring it back to me because I deserve all this and more from a good man.

There are many smaller things, but none as important, I think, as the ones above.

The list for the mismatches is much longer. Some things I didn’t even think about until I started to write.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “I Don’t Even Know What This Feeling Is But Let’s Go With It”

  1. I think this was so good on your part, to evaluate the good from the bad. To see what kept you tied to him, but also see the amount of negatives that made you realize he wasn’t good for you. I think if more people did this, they’d be able to move on more quickly and just let things go. It doesn’t do any good to hold on to someone who has become a different person. And so I think you realized that you couldn’t make him go back to being who he once was, so it forced you to finally say goodbye, there was nothing more you could do. I’ve been in your shoes before in a similar way, and I always wonder why people have to change.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wish I understood why and when that moment of change occurred and still wish I knew that trigger – but it’s ultimately irrelevant now. Looking back it was even more clear than I allowed myself to see. I was burying way too much of his behaviors.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t remember if you said this here or in your other recent post, but you touch on your fear (your terror) of being alone. What is more important to you, to inhabit a mental state of being “in relationship” with someone or the experiences you have with the person you are in relationship with? One has to do with identity, the other has to do with connection. Maybe this isn’t a fair question – the answer is probably, some of both. But, can you tease it apart? Can you use this time (once you aren’t hurting so hard) to explore what the former means to you? Do you feel like a failure if you don’t have a partner? Do you feel like there are parts of life that you can’t bear taking on alone? One observation I will offer is that between your two previous relationships (affairs) and the year-plus you had getting through your health issues, you were in many practical ways on your own. And you have lived to tell, and you have even thrived! Whether you like it or not, you can face life on your own (even though it usually feels richer to have a partner in crime). It’s definitely one thing to prefer being in a relationship than being single, but if you are feeling terror around being single, I hope that you can close your eyes, take a deep breath, and stay with those feelings in order to get to know them better, investigate, soothe them, maybe realize that you are just as existentially affirmed when you are single as when you are coupled. I see you as someone who still is the same to me whether or not you are in a relationship. I certainly don’t see you as less, although I care very much about how unhappy you are when you are single. I guess the flip side to the question is (one that you seem to be asking yourself) is how much longer you will tolerate being in a bad relationship if the alternative is to be single. You have all of my support…. you are so strong and brave and vulnerable and authentic. All of these things.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Nic – thanks so much for all your insight. I am doing exactly what you said, with the therapist. Working through why I believe I need to accept less than I deserve or less than I’m worth simply to avoid being alone.

      Right now the fear of being alone is being totally alone – no kids as well. This is where the terror is coming from. I have gotten better sitting with myself without a partner for a while even though I don’t like it. But the sheer terror is having to start life over from the bottom: new home, new friends, new job, new state etc. Alone. No physical support system. That scares me to death when I am such a tactile person.

      I appreciate how much you care about me. I’m working on reminding myself that I can be both strong and vulnerable at the same time, but I don’t need to accept being in an unhealthy relationship.

      Thank you ❤️

      Like

  3. Every romantic relationship has positives – why else would they exist? Yes, he met some of your most haves and you should have good memories about the relationship, BUT the red flags were boldly waving. He is not The One. 🥰😍

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He is definitely NOT the one. I have come to peace with it. I’m working through what was right so I can take those things with me. And sorting through why I accepted so much wrong for so long with the therapist.

      Liked by 1 person

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