Breathing more easily

The breakup, the hormones from the d&c pill, and the vaccine have probably all contributed to the way I have felt this week. I know I’m an emotional creature so the hormones wreak additional havoc on a fragile state of mind but the feverish delusions were a killer mid week.

Today is the first day I opened my eyes and wondered why he wasn’t the first thing in my mind

I remember the day after we broke up, when I was still at his home. I slept alone in his bed and I had a large glass of wine and took a sleeping pill and knocked myself out from all the crying. When I woke up, the light was seeping through the windowpane, I felt rested and for the one very split second that I acknowledged I was happy upon waking in my lovers bed, the more deeply seated sadness swept through me in the exact same instant that the relationship was over. It was a horrible and final thought and feeling. I don’t recall actually understanding anything this distinct before right in the moment it was happening before. (I mean waking up with a moment of forgetfulness and then having that awful and sudden realization it wasn’t just a bad dream.)

I learned from Tony that when I’m this fragile, when my anxiety wants to take control, it’s better just to take a sleeping pill and Xanax and go to sleep. No use trying to fight it. No sense in having a glass of wine because the wine makes me melancholy and wants to reach out. I just need sleep. I need to restore my mind and body with forgetfulness so it can do the proper work of healing the next day. I won’t need to medicate for long, but a week or two won’t kill me if it gives me the rest my body needs. For one moment I felt shame because Scott threw back at me that I take “a bottle of pills” when I’m stressed. Yes, they are there when I need them. I don’t need to justify a medical condition nor liken it to his smoking, and he shouldn’t have either.

I’ve done a lot of reading and watched some videos. I’m journaling at least once a day here. I even had a really good conversation with my son and, to my surprise, my x husband.

Here’s a really strange thought. I don’t think I was ever proud enough of Scott. Or proud at all. Perhaps he knew this. Sensed this. It occurred to me after I spoke to my x. As any reader of my blog knows, our hate for one another ran deep for years. We have both done a lot of work and a lot of growing and have come to a place of acceptance and perhaps even partial understanding. There is no more hate between us. I wish he was a better parent to my boys but he will always be selfish and much of my own shame and guilt is derived from his selfishness and my desire to compensate for being a present and available parent. That’s neither here or there, the point really was, after talking to him the thought occurred to me I might be a bit embarrassed to introduce Scott to my x.

How fucken weird is that?

Like all kinds of wtf, right?

But there must be something to that. That if I somehow, somewhere felt that I wouldn’t want to introduce Scott to a man I divorced, something must be wrong. It does cross my mind that years of mercilessly being teased by my x, and his derogatory comments about anyone weigh into that thought subconsciously, but I still think it’s sort of disturbing to me.

And then I realize I was never proud of Scott from the beginning and it was my mistake for thinking that was something I would perhaps grow to accept. I recall thinking about it along the way. I introduced him to one friend and some family. He always seemed uncomfortable around my people but yet had started out as gregarious with me. I was baffled by it and didn’t give it enough thought. He seemed to lack social ease among strangers which was odd for someone who claims to get along with everyone, but as I dig deep, I’m not exactly sure I understand why, but acknowledge he didn’t have the type of social grace I would want from him to bring him around my extended circle, including business associates. My mistake here was thinking his job and his two MBA’s meant he had developed better interpersonal skills.

As I learned along the way, his job didn’t require him to interact with (shall we say) some of the most salient people, he was often brought in to “do the dirty work” or “make heads roll” because he was good at roughing people up to get them to comply. I was fooled by the word mediator until I started to listen to some of his work calls and gain a better understanding of his role. He didn’t work within a team, he was an independent contributor, each case being a singular and independent case from the last. So while he needed to be (and was) highly skilled and educated in his area and the legalities of it, because he was the government, he didn’t need to be a good people person. I missed the people part of his job entirely because he always talked about the people he worked with and it took much later to realize they were simply office buddies.

Scott is a really smart man, he just doesn’t have good interpersonal skills and he is immature. Looking back, the signs were there built right into his history, I just didn’t see them. He attended college in his 30s when he could afford to put himself through school which explains why he associates with younger people so easily, his social circle was never built with peer relationships. When he couldn’t build those relationships at work, he built them at the bar or through this daughter.

My kids have started talking to me about Scott and one mentioned he never had a conversation with Scott while he was here where Scott wasn’t drunk. I was horrified. I had no idea. I didn’t even think it was that obvious but I suppose it was to him. They also told me they heard him be cruel to me more than once and continually stonewall me. I had no idea this was all so apparent in the last few months. My brother told me he thought he was very strange and there was something off about him. Everyone is relieved it is over.

My kids didn’t understand why I wasn’t complaining sooner, nor do my friends and family. I know now how much I was hiding and holding back. I shared very little about Scott because I realized it was bad. I knew if I told the bad stuff it would shade the good and I wanted to give this relationship a chance on my own without their input. Maybe this was a mistake. The only place I spoke was here.

My fog is starting to lift a little. I’m still not sure if I wouldn’t answer a text if he sent one but I know it won’t be me reaching out any time soon.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

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