Why was my decision to make a stand about his smoking making me feel regret in hindsight?
Why did I reconsider, in that final argument, if his smoking was something I could ultimately tolerate?
His drinking – that’s harder because I never understood what alcoholism looked like. I never saw the behavior so consistently in an adult before to have an opinion. I didn’t know I needed to have a boundary until it became apparent his drinking was growing out of my comfort zone, in particular when he wanted to continue to socialize at bars.
Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like I should have reconsidered and allowed him to smoke in his own home while I was there without making a big deal about it? Why couldn’t it just be “no big deal” for me. Why couldn’t I relax” they way he kept asking me too?
So while I’m hyper focused on the smoking and I consider it the straw that broke the camels back, I have to fight to remind myself it was only the final straw and not the entire house of straws.
I’m not doing such a good job. I keep blaming myself for missteps. I keep looking for alternatives snd solutions and I know, I really know, that’s wrong.
I’m struggling today. Not enough to reach out. But I keep wishing he would and I believe he will not. I know he is very angry and indignant this time to block me from the fitness app we shared and loved. There is nothing I can do and feeling helpless is an awful feeling.