Feeling Shitty

I had my 2nd vaccine Tuesday and wasn’t even able to get out of bed yesterday. I had all sorts of weird dreams and delusions. Today is mildly better. At least I know this feeling will pass soon enough.

The heartbreak, or whatever else it is I’m feeling, probably isn’t going anywhere for a while.

I am sorry to have lost Scott as a friend, there was a lot I enjoyed about him. If there is one thing I have to focus on, it’s that, no matter what else happened, Scott was not a nice person, he had a terrible mean streak and I brought it out in him.

I am attracted to my abuser, there is no doubt. I want to fix it. I feel an almost desperate sense to try and fix it. This has been my pattern my whole life. When things begin to shut down on me, I go into overdrive in an attempt to repair and its already too late. This is my father, then again my x. I have never broken this terrible cycle. Perhaps, had Scott been less obviously cruel to me it would have gone on even longer, but his cruelty was pretty blatant, especially at the end.

I drafted a lovely post of the reasons I stayed with him before I had the vaccine, but during my delirium, I realized I needed to focus on the negatives first. This is the shit I need to work on. During my delirium I was bargaining with myself….if I wait a few weeks I can contact him again, if I change this, I can contact him again, if I do that, I can contact him again, if, if, if, he will want me again. And all the while, never putting into perspective the things he was never going to be that was going to make him the right person for me. I admit, I am still confused if he wanted to be the person he originally showed me, or if it was an act. The love bombing really took hold with Scott and I had to go back and read my posts more than once – and even then I still have trouble sorting it out – I NEVER really wanted this guy, but I settled for something different telling myself that it was ok.

I settled for something comfortable because I thought I was asking for too much.

I can’t seem to sort out that he locked the door of the guest room on the last night. I can’t seem to reconcile that I cried for an hour on a walk and he didn’t so much as make one gentle gesture towards me, he ignored me and became increasingly angry and embarrassed with my tears (which in turn created more tears). I can’t see to justify that as I was sleeping and he threw on the lights and told me to leave because he was angry one night (over my indecision on dinner reservations). He abandoned me twice in a hotel room in another city to get home on my own, once on NYE and once on our 1 year anniversary.

He kept telling me I was having “outbursts” and I kept responding to this because IN MY HEAD I know all about Trixie – I know she’s there – BUT HE DOESN’T! He doesn’t know my history or where I’ve come from or how I’ve grown because he never asked, he was never curious. Yet, he figured out this was a trigger for me. The more he said it the more I responded. I have to laugh a little that he called me stating that smoking was deal breaker a “roadshow” when he has never actually even seen one of my roadshows – and I’ve had plenty of good ones in my past. That was the wake up call – when I knew my behavior was not aligned with his filter. He was gaslighting me and then applying terms like “emotional abuse” and “gaslighting” to try and make me thing I was the one doing it to him.

I am nothing if not direct, I don’t need to gaslight. I will fuck with you directly thank you very much.

Empathy was another term that brought me to my knees and he used this to his advantage. My mother always told me when I was younger that I had no empathy so I am very attune to this criticism and I have worked hard to develop some. Even when I may not be very empathetic, I am at the very least, self-aware enough now to know when I should be, or when a situation requires different behaviors. With Scott, these cues were never clear to me.

At the end he told me that he shouldn’t have to tell me certain things, that I should know how to behave “like a grown up” – another one of the many insults he hurled my way. I don’t believe in mind reading, and we were raised differently. I would have taken guidance had he given any in love, he never did.

I can think of many reasons why things were not right, but the bottom line is I knew they were not right before I started with him in September. I was lonely, he was in hot pursuit, and we were friends. I don’t think I made the wrong choice. I wish I had been stronger to end it after the first bad fights back in early December, because now its just an ugly memory instead of the pleasant ones. Now I feel sick when I feel drawn to him and I can’t ascertain why.

My body dysmorphia is so strong and my depression has such a hold of me that I am still considering taking his abuse over being alone or starting over. I know that is wrong. I have no intention of throwing any fits of rage (or desperation) or going back begging, but it is how I feel and it is a horrid broken feeling inside.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

2 thoughts on “Feeling Shitty”

  1. Body dysmorphia is real and scary.

    People like Scott who have troubled childhoods and have to fight to make it often lack empathy. I used to be one of those people. You think you’ve had it worse than anyone else. He def had it worse than I did, but someone else always has it worse. I learned that. I also in recent years realized that I am so resilient and strong. And some people sometimes come off as… IDK how to describe it other than lacking in mental fortitude because I can handle more due to just being under that pressure as a child. I learned to let go of my anger. It takes years never is something you don’t work on. I think the real work started in my late 20s and continues today. He will not get help. My ex is just now getting help for his trauma. And though I believe a therapist is best, it’s not the only and necessary way. You cannot fix this. You are toxic to him because you represent one of those people from his past and he is taking them out on you.

    You have come so far. You have to let him go.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Morava. It is sad to hear I may represent someone from his past who is toxic to him rather than someone who wanted to heal with him in his future, though I fear he is too broken for me to help without outside help.

      I’m sorry you’ve had to endure such a troubled childhood that it caused you to lack empathy. I didn’t feel like my childhood was troubled yet I also lacked empathy as a younger person, it took having children to understand what it even meant. And then to travel the world and see abject poverty. It is something some people are gifted with at birth and others of us need to cultivate – which is fine. I think the point is we realize we need it and want to grow as individuals.


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