Admittedly a Stalker

I opened a Bumble account with the sole intention of seeing when he opened one. You can remain hidden so they can’t see you, and I changed my location to his town.

Sure enough, by Monday morning he was there. I wasn’t entirely surprised and I didn’t feel the horrible sinking feeling I might have expected to feel. I felt dead, angry and disappointed. I am heart broken but this is a very different kind of heart break than I’ve experienced before. I’m not exactly sure what it is I feel.

My fitness account covers 4 family members so he was on my account since the kids don’t use it. I promptly asked all of my friends to unfollow him and I removed him from my account. Before the end of the evening he must have somehow checked his fitness account to realize he was no longer subscribed and then blocked everyone.

After that his dating profile also disappeared – so I sort of wonder if it was bait?

I booked a trip end of the month to see a friend in Atlanta. I wish it was sooner but that was the earliest we can arrange.

I’ve already had one session this week with my therapist. She had had one session with Scott and told me that she get it was the best thing for me to be out of that relationship, that he had very serious anger issues. She didn’t explain or dive in further, but only said she picked it up in their first and only conversation.

I’ve told the story to as many friends who will listen. I’ve reached out to them when I feel weak. I removed his number from my phone and wrote it on paper and put it away. The peloton account was the only place I could see his activity because he has no social media and I was checking when he was working out the last few days. So it’s better he’s blocked me.

I wonder why I never have the strength to do the same. To let the guillotine just come down. He has done that to me multiple times – more times and more ways than I can count now. I suppose to preserve his own side of the story, what he tells himself to be true.

I just checked Bumble again. His profile is gone. So either is was bait or he has also gone incognito.

What do you think?

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

10 thoughts on “Admittedly a Stalker”

  1. I think you should stop thinking about him and start thinking about yourself. I know easier, said than done, but now is the time to show yourself you have truly grown.

    Change the way you handle break ups.

    You two are sadly not a good fit and that is all that counts.

    Be proud of yourself that you tried and gave him every chance. Be honest to yourself and realize he is not good for you. You deserve more than he was able to be.

    And then change your behavioural pattern.

    Don’t crawl back, don’t contact him, don’t stalk.

    Write down everything that was good about him and everything that was bad about him. Are the good things worth the bad things ? Are the good things something exclusively only he can provide ? Or did you just like having a partner? Would you want your best friend to date him ? Or would you tell her to get out?

    It will hurt. It will hurt being alone. But you know it won’t last forever. Just endure it, day by day. The hurt will become less and less but only if you do not contact him. If you contact him, you’ll go through all the hurt again. Every contact reopens the wound and you can’t heal.

    Have a close look at the FDS reddit, you will realize some things about yourself, some things about him.

    You loved that he picked you, that he showered you in attention and love at the beginning. Then he changed and things became ugly. He used gaslighting as his weapon. Major red flag.

    There are many men who operate like that. Become aware of it. There are so many women in the same situation as you are. But be clever and evolve to a self-loving woman. If you don’t need the love of a man, you’ll be able to pick better man that are truly good to you.


    Liked by 5 people

    1. I started to write those lists. The good things are a little exclusive, and thats the hard part. But the bad are really bad. You re right, we just are not a fit for one another. I wouldn’t have him date anyone I know, no one. I have never learned to be self loving and it has always been my greatest struggle.


  2. Yes! Everything Miaknipst said. Please, please, please do NOT engage Scott further. That letter you wrote a few posts back was a great thought-exercise for you. Do not send it. Consider this; if Scott is an alcoholic, the *most important* thing for him is to preserve his access to drinking and for the world around him to enable his behaviors. He does not have self control. This is *bigger* than himself. He cannot be reasoned with. He cannot be argued with. Every time you argue with him, you are being pulled into his alcoholic cycle. The only sane thing you can do right now is disengage, and its amazing that you are on this path. Really, this is hard work. I am so glad that your therapist was able to affirm your suspicions of him. I think that it would have been really hard for you to let the arguments with Scott go else wise. You needed someone on the outside to confirm that you were right and he was wrong, and you were looking for him to do that. You aren’t going to get that from him because that would require him to confront his alcoholism and all of its side-effects (his immaturity, his anger). This is bigger than you. This is bigger than him, even. So, I hope that your therapist’s sanity check is good enough for you. Also, its ok to be angry and confused and exhausted by all of this. It’s normal. Please be grounded in the truth that the better you are able to remain disengaged from him, the sooner all of the muck will clear up. You’ve been through worse in the past. You are strong AF. You’ve got this. Let go of your ego’s need to win this battle of character. You won. And you win even more if you can walk away with your head high.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Nich, oh no, I am not sending it – that was fully my brain dump only and I wrote it in anger. I would never send anything with that much venom and its unkind and unfair anyways.
      My son was also around Scott and reconfirmed the same about his anger and lack of communication so it helped with validation. I wish these sanity checks were enough, I am struggling but I won’t reach out. I know he is very, very angry and bitter (read Jana’s comments – that’s pretty much where he is coming from) and I can understand a bit. I will never understand how it all fell apart but it did and it needs to stay apart as its best for both of us.
      I don’t know if he is really an alcoholic or not, he gets out of control then back in control and he functions for work so I don’t really understand how alcoholism works. I didn’t grow up with it so I don’t get it.
      This is very hard for me because I want to fix it so badly, we were friends above all else and I miss my friend in him.
      I like how you said I have to let go of my ego….I have to think on that – I think there’s a lot to unpack in that statement and I think you’re right about that. Thank you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I saw a quote on Instagram this morning that said “you cannot build a deep connection with someone who is disconnected from themselves” and I feel this totally rings true here. He doesn’t sound like he has much insight at all and likes to keep things at the surface level. You want to go deeper. If you find him creeping into your thoughts just tell yourself “he is not the one for me” and turn your focus elsewhere. Take some time to also reconnect to yourself, what you truly want and be okay with who you are. I think you have pulled too far away from yourself to try to make this relationship work.

    That’s my .02! Big hugs to you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Sassy. That’s an interesting quote. I agree. I don’t think Scott was particularly deep. I always identified him as surface level. I didn’t realize how much it was going to eat away at me. When I read back I realize I was working much too hard to enjoy the moments but it was work to enjoy them. While I had period where I felt safe and happy they were fleeting and I should have let go sooner. I have too much of a desire to fix things. I always want things to work. I always appreciate your two cents!


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