Where Are My Armchair Psychiatrists?!

This one was in writing….give me feedback on both sides….I really want to break this down. My bff gave me insight I didn’t see to Scott’s replies.

……………………………………………..

The set up – we had been talking for two weeks post a fight where he left me in a hotel in his city to get home on my own and he had been dropping hints about wanting to see me and knowing where he lived. I was afraid to go there as no trip to Scott’s was successful, they all had resulted in his abandoning me in some form or another and ended in arguments. However, since January, he had come up to me for every trip and had spent 3 weeks straight in February at my home, so in all fairness, it was my turn.

I acknowledged that, and sent him a text with a couples thing we could do together over 2 weeks. Each day you share one thing you like about each other and the relationship and talk about it – basically reminding yourself why you are in the relationship. I asked if he would do it with me and I was looking for reassurance as well as him stating he would not, yet again, throw me out or abandon me should he get angry (and actually, he didn’t do that this time, which is unique with Scott and something I acknowledge about him that I saw as the potential I was just unable to tap into further – he wants to grow, and he listens when he realizes he is hurting me – I just don’t know how to help him do it without the terrible fights first). I absolutely was looking for and needed him to communicate two things to me: he would not abandon me and he would try the couples thing willingly. I swear, I don’t even know how it goes from trying to say “I need you to support me” to a full fledged fight.

This one was pretty ugly and ultimately resulted in him blocking my phone so we emailed. My email is italics.

Scott, I wish there was another way, I wish it hadn’t ended like this as it has so many times before.  This is our horrible loop.  
Somehow, I cannot seem to find the right words.  I cannot do the right thing.  I cannot find the right path to settle you. I am unable to make you happy, Scott.  Nothing I can say or do pleases you anymore.  I feel a constant anxiety and tension in an attempt to please you, I want to so desperately and I keep falling short.   
I want to write so many things, and I can’t even find the words to express my deep sadness that we were even unable to try when we both said we so desperately wanted to try.  
I strive so hard to understand what just happened today, where I went wrong, what I could have said or done differently and how we could have avoided confrontation yet again.  It’s been under the surface in every conversation, every text.  We can’t seem to get away from it.  
I was scared to come to you, but I realized I needed to set it aside and just come and be in your arms and I would be safe there, I just needed you to tell me that today, to tell me that I would be safe in your arms and we would work through these things.  I set aside my fears and placed my trust in you to show you how much I value our relationship by texting something we could try together so we could have open dialogue face to face.   I am unsure how our conversation took a turn when I was being vulnerable by offering to come to you when I was scared.  I needed reassurance.
I thought being in your arms tonight would remove this feeling, I wanted that so badly, but even then we could not find middle ground.  Somehow, I am always wrong and saying and doing the wrong thing and this is a constant in our relationship.  I feel like I cannot be good enough, that I am never right, and that you will never truly love me for who I am.  I know I have so much to work on and I will be working on these things for myself, in my life.
I wish you all the good things the world has to offer and may you find all the joy and peace you deserve.  You are the best among us.  I have loved you deeply and profoundly
(in hindsight I am sorry I wrote this, I do not feel this way)

Scotts reply: All I ever asked in these recent conversations to think about how I felt. To show some- any empathy for the emotional abuse you have so readily available. That was all. It’s not my role to be your emotional punching bag nor have to provide emotional stability as you continue to abuse everyone around you.

Good luck to you. Any else you’ve got to say to me will need to come after you show some empathy for all the gaslighting. You know where I live. Enjoy Portland. I here it’s nice

Why would I ever come to you when you are cruel?
This is why I am scared
I need safety and security and this isn’t it Scott. This is cruelty when I am being vulnerable. Twice today. 
I said I would come. I put aside my fear and asked for support by sending the couples text.  
Then I sent a kind message and you come back with cruelty.  You are unkind and unsympathetic.  
I have never said a cruel word to you. I have never kicked you to the curb the way you have done to me so many times. You treat me worse than a dog Scott. 
You can’t see your own gaslighting and abuse. I am willing to work On mine. You have never once, not once in this relationship, accepted your part in any of our falling out. 
You can’t help yourself, I understand. Your wounds are deep so you need to be cruel to me instead. I’m an easy target for your cruelty. You shouldn’t have to behave like that because you are a better man than sending childish barbs.  
I will speak to you when you stop insulting me and being cruel. I will come to you when you are ready to be kind to be and love me.  But this behavior has to stop. You have been an asshole to me all week and you are purposely distorting anything you can.  
Stop flinging childish insults.  
I have no desire to go tit for tat – none. I was ready to come to you. But if you act like a jerk and treat me like crap you can remain alone. 

I will say this very clearly again. 
I love you. I want to be with you. At no time have I ever intentionally emotionally abused you or gaslighted you.  I do not know your demons that you continue to raise these two things and because we have not done any work together on our past demons, this is the shit that’s going to keep coming up because it’s buried so fucking deep you can’t even see it anymore.  I am not your enemy. I am in love with you and I am your partner.  I don’t know who hurt you and how in the past but I refuse to let you keep taking it out on me and will not accept outright childish cruelty or abandonment.  
There is nothing I wouldn’t try to do with you together.   But there were two pieces in this puzzle.
 

Scotts reply: Wow. All I ask was for you to understand how I felt and feel. That’s not “cruel”. That’s all I asked. That’s all I ever asked from you. For understanding in how I feel when I’m disrespected, belittled, devalued. That’s not cruel. That’s dialogue and communication. No need for you to lash out with another outburst. I’m excited for you and the new path you wish to pursue for your future. I’m sure you will find all the success you desire

How about when I’m disrespected, belittled and devalued?  You don’t believe you have done this to me?  You have no part in that right?
Here’s the thing – I was willing to put myself out of my comfort zone and come to you.  I was willing to do whatever it took and you pushed me away yet again. You don’t want this to work. 
I was willing to put aside therapy in understanding and acceptance. 
Sounds to me (and it’s in writing) that you lashed out. You had the outburst. But only you can twist actual facts.  You have a knack for it. 
If you want to ever repair this, stop with the low blows. 
I have left the door open. I made myself clear.  
Don’t contact me again unless you want to repair this relationship.    
I do not want to hear from you again Scott unless You want to repair this relationship. Please respect my wishes.  
When people love one another, they don’t attack, they find ways to repair.  I am willing to do what it takes  but you have to back down too.  And you just aren’t even taking a half step.  You are not showing love anymore.  
So, if you don’t feel love, don’t act out of ill will

I regretted that last email, because I did want to just work it our face to face and the whole string was childish. This is when I found out he blocked me and I had to use a burner number to contact him. I ended up calling and telling him I would come, I knew it was the only way. And that’s the groundwork for the 13 days from the previous posts.

Here you can see how he refers to “another outburst” which pretty much means any time I had any type of emotion – sadness, anger, frustration – he considered it an outburst. And then, ultimately, a “roadshow”

Ok, give me feedback

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

11 thoughts on “Where Are My Armchair Psychiatrists?!”

  1. I have read a the last few posts and i think you and him are at am point were you are toxic for each other. It seems neither one is listening to the other and you both want to be right and true in your hurts. It’s fine to have emotions we all have them but when they become all consuming where you can’t have perspective it becomes toxic. Of course it’s easy for me to say I’m not in it with you both and it’s only my perception of reading what you’ve wrote.

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    1. I agree to some extent. I dropped as much as I could on this last trip to see him and felt I was placing the relationship before all else. He didn’t feel I was. I can’t play mind reading games with him when he’s frustrated or upset and his behavior resorts too quickly to immature when I’m trying my utmost to remain in my adult. I really wanted to see through his lens.

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  2. I feel like there is really no way to make this relationship work and honestly after reading these last few posts I am not sure why you would want to continue to try.

    Who he is at his basic core is not someone you truly want. I think it is time to walk away and stop pursuing him. I feel like you want him to pursue you and you are placing your own self worth in him changing enough to deserve you yet you continue to settle to try to make this work. You are better than that and deserve better than that.
    For me the smoking is a deal breaker as well. Also the poor communication as well as the alcoholism. I think it’s time to just let go.

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    1. Hi Sassy – you are really 100% right. I am placing much too much of my own self worth into making him want me and settling. At the very end when I looked at him and thought “could I tolerate smoking” it was like someone slapped me to wake me up – I couldn’t believe my own mind allowed me to even have that thought and cross that boundary. Like I was willing to betray myself. There is a part of me (and this is horrible but true) that also thinks that why wouldn’t a guy like that want “me” and how could I be so wrong that he’s trying to change so much about me? I was a prize at first and now I’m not. It’s all just fucked with my head.

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  3. Look, I’m going to give you some tough love here. From the very beginning you spoke about how you couldn’t stand the fact that Scott wasn’t more ambitious or successful. You had complaints about many of his traits and behaviors. Yet, you kept pushing forward, trying to make the relationship work for you (despite advice to the contrary). When you became involved, you weren’t shy about letting him know how he was failing in so many ways, how he must change in order for you to respect or accept him, how unhappy you were that he wasn’t changing his behavior or life in the way you thought he should in order to be a better man. How demoralizing and humiliating that must have been for him. Had he been a man who had more respect for himself and less issues, he probably would have told you it was over then. But, like you, he was probably desperate for love and to share his life with someone.

    Then you go to his house and become involved in things that were none of your business. If he wants to live with his daughter and go party with her – it’s his business. If he wants to smoke in his own home – it’s his business. It’s not your place to tell his daughter’s boyfriend how he should behave. It’s not your place to tell Scott how to behave. It’s not your place to tell him that he is immature, unambitious and an alcoholic. It’s not your place to attempt to analyze him or his behaviors or relationships. If you didn’t like how he was living and how he behaved, you should have ended the relationship then and there instead of insisting that he must change in order to have you in his life. Of course you should set boundaries, but when someone crosses those boundaries then a healthy person removes themselves from the situation. They don’t continue to set new boundaries or to fool themselves into thinking that the other person is going to change for them because you are right and he is wrong.

    And, as in so many other times in your life, even though the relationship is clearly dysfunctional (on both sides), you insisted on continuing – with the expectation that he should change the way he lives, the way he communicates, his basic core values and give up parts of himself so that he could fit into your world and expectations.

    I’m the last person to say that Scott is a great guy. Clearly he has his issues. But for you to color him as the only bad guy in this relationship is disingenuous. It is so strange to me that you are so quick to point out the faults in others, but you tend to ignore your own issues or to gloss over them as if you had no control and no fault in getting into or destroying this relationship. It certainly takes two to tango – but for you to write these letters to him, berating and blaming him for not being the man you want is ridiculous. You KNEW a great deal about the man he was before you ever got serious about him. You didn’t like a lot about him and yet you persisted. Yes, he may have presented himself in a more flattering light and told you things you wanted to hear in order to impress or please you – but many people do this when they start a relationship. That’s why it’s a good idea to take things slow and to really get to know someone before you jump in with both feet.

    I wonder if you ever go back and read your posts from earlier relationships and try to find a common thread in your behavior. Of ignoring warning signs before the relationship even starts, of diving into sex and relationships before you really know an individual, of blaming others and lashing out (and/or letting Trixie out) when things started going bad or in a direction you did not like, of expecting these men to change for you. One has to understand their own behavior and faults before one can stop blaming others for their unhappiness and take responsibility for their own happiness. It is not anyone’s job to change for you – to give up spouses, or family, or jobs, or even something as basic as smoking for you. It is YOUR job to accept, love and be comfortable and happy with yourself, by yourself, and to understand that you are worth the wait until you find a healthy, happy, and well-adjusted man who shares your values – but not before you are healthy, happy and well-adjusted yourself.

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    1. Hey Jana – do you really think I am only blaming Scott in all my posts? I believe, and I really do believe, that all along I have tried over and over to bend to what Scott wants when Scott has been unclear about what he wants from me and when.

      In this relationship in particular, I didn’t dive in at all. More than ever, I took a lot of time to think this one over. I was never sure about Scott. It took me months to feel love for him. Maybe months too long and maybe it wasn’t even exactly even love. He even (in anger again) said that by the time I said I loved him it was too little too late. I liked Scott so much as a friend and I wanted to try because I had made so many other mistakes so I thought he was different – I thought maybe a friend was a better place to start from. Perhaps this is why he lied to me, he knew I was hesitant and he wanted me, so he pretended to be what he was not. Once I decided to be serious with him, I did try to accept him for who he presented himself to be – but he did lie, like outright lie (about the smoking and drinking in particular). He lied about the smoking because I did tell him on our first date I would not date anyone who smoked, so he lied his way around it. And he lied multiple times until I was already full in relationship with him. He then also told me he would never smoke around me and would quit. My boundary never changed, it was always the same. His actions surely changed though and if someone tells you they will change for the better, don’t you hope they will?

      He also acknowledged, on his own, he was drinking too much and needed to stop. Again, he knew this about himself.

      You are right, I was out of line speaking to his daughters boyfriend at all because those lines were blurry to me. I wish he would have spoken to me about this the next day rather than fling it at me as an insult and I would have made an apology.
      I am not beneath correcting myself. You are also right that I should not tell Scott how to behave in his own home – which I didn’t (about the smoking). I only said it was my dealbreaker, I was very upset as he promised he would not smoke with me there and then I didn’t kiss him the rest of the evening. But it was how he perceived my actions because it would prohibit him from smoking while I was there (but he had pre-commited to that – and it is a 5 hour drive so not like I can run home for a night). I could not remove myself, I was mostly captive, and he knew it (and I had no car).

      The longer letter to Scott was never shared, it was my thoughts to myself. This one I know sounds like blame because I wrote in anger. I didn’t want to go out to party with his child and her friends while I was there and watch him get shit faced drunk, again, not how it started, but certainly how it turned out months later. While I can accept criticism for my behavior, and I believe in every post I am searching for my own part in it and acknowledging it, you seem to be standing solely in one lane. But that’s ok, tough love is good, even when we all see things different ways, I have always appreciated your insight.

      It wasn’t until he told me point blank he wasn’t going to give up the smoking that I realized it was more important to him than I was. I needed the smack, I got it – and that’s usually how it happens for me – its never easy, it always takes a bit of pain and getting hit over the head until I realize I’ve been doing it all wrong.

      I just think you are being a bit unfair with your comment about blaming others, lashing out, or acting out – I really haven’t had those behaviors in a long while. I tried really hard with Scott, to the point where I was sacrificing myself and thinking I was going crazy because the story kept changing with him. I am not blaming him for my unhappiness, I am unhappy for so many reasons. I found a modicum of happiness with him and its probably the reason I stuck around too long, because I find so little of it anymore.

      I know my role was to accept him for who he was, and I should have acknowledged that he wasn’t who I thought he was (or who he tried to pretend he was) the first time he gaslighted and abandoned me – that is my fault – and my fault I kept going back for the abuse.

      My common threads from previous relationships have almost all disappeared and Scott was almost all new trials in many ways. I worked really hard to understand him and do what I could to salvage the relationship – but if you read HIS letter – you can see that he accepts no responsibility at all for anything – he only thinks he has tried to make me happy. And I suppose in the end its where we both went wrong – in trying to make the other happy but not having the right communication skills to do so.

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  4. Ugh. He is such a jerk. You should have never went there. He refuses to hear you until he feels he is heard. It’s too early to have this much resentment. He is taking life out on you.

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