This one was in writing….give me feedback on both sides….I really want to break this down. My bff gave me insight I didn’t see to Scott’s replies.
The set up – we had been talking for two weeks post a fight where he left me in a hotel in his city to get home on my own and he had been dropping hints about wanting to see me and knowing where he lived. I was afraid to go there as no trip to Scott’s was successful, they all had resulted in his abandoning me in some form or another and ended in arguments. However, since January, he had come up to me for every trip and had spent 3 weeks straight in February at my home, so in all fairness, it was my turn.
I acknowledged that, and sent him a text with a couples thing we could do together over 2 weeks. Each day you share one thing you like about each other and the relationship and talk about it – basically reminding yourself why you are in the relationship. I asked if he would do it with me and I was looking for reassurance as well as him stating he would not, yet again, throw me out or abandon me should he get angry (and actually, he didn’t do that this time, which is unique with Scott and something I acknowledge about him that I saw as the potential I was just unable to tap into further – he wants to grow, and he listens when he realizes he is hurting me – I just don’t know how to help him do it without the terrible fights first). I absolutely was looking for and needed him to communicate two things to me: he would not abandon me and he would try the couples thing willingly. I swear, I don’t even know how it goes from trying to say “I need you to support me” to a full fledged fight.
This one was pretty ugly and ultimately resulted in him blocking my phone so we emailed. My email is italics.
Scott, I wish there was another way, I wish it hadn’t ended like this as it has so many times before. This is our horrible loop.
Somehow, I cannot seem to find the right words. I cannot do the right thing. I cannot find the right path to settle you. I am unable to make you happy, Scott. Nothing I can say or do pleases you anymore. I feel a constant anxiety and tension in an attempt to please you, I want to so desperately and I keep falling short.
I want to write so many things, and I can’t even find the words to express my deep sadness that we were even unable to try when we both said we so desperately wanted to try.
I strive so hard to understand what just happened today, where I went wrong, what I could have said or done differently and how we could have avoided confrontation yet again. It’s been under the surface in every conversation, every text. We can’t seem to get away from it.
I was scared to come to you, but I realized I needed to set it aside and just come and be in your arms and I would be safe there, I just needed you to tell me that today, to tell me that I would be safe in your arms and we would work through these things. I set aside my fears and placed my trust in you to show you how much I value our relationship by texting something we could try together so we could have open dialogue face to face. I am unsure how our conversation took a turn when I was being vulnerable by offering to come to you when I was scared. I needed reassurance.
I thought being in your arms tonight would remove this feeling, I wanted that so badly, but even then we could not find middle ground. Somehow, I am always wrong and saying and doing the wrong thing and this is a constant in our relationship. I feel like I cannot be good enough, that I am never right, and that you will never truly love me for who I am. I know I have so much to work on and I will be working on these things for myself, in my life.
I wish you all the good things the world has to offer and may you find all the joy and peace you deserve. You are the best among us. I have loved you deeply and profoundly (in hindsight I am sorry I wrote this, I do not feel this way)
Scotts reply: All I ever asked in these recent conversations to think about how I felt. To show some- any empathy for the emotional abuse you have so readily available. That was all. It’s not my role to be your emotional punching bag nor have to provide emotional stability as you continue to abuse everyone around you.
Good luck to you. Any else you’ve got to say to me will need to come after you show some empathy for all the gaslighting. You know where I live. Enjoy Portland. I here it’s nice
Why would I ever come to you when you are cruel?
This is why I am scared
I need safety and security and this isn’t it Scott. This is cruelty when I am being vulnerable. Twice today.
I said I would come. I put aside my fear and asked for support by sending the couples text.
Then I sent a kind message and you come back with cruelty. You are unkind and unsympathetic.
I have never said a cruel word to you. I have never kicked you to the curb the way you have done to me so many times. You treat me worse than a dog Scott.
You can’t see your own gaslighting and abuse. I am willing to work On mine. You have never once, not once in this relationship, accepted your part in any of our falling out.
You can’t help yourself, I understand. Your wounds are deep so you need to be cruel to me instead. I’m an easy target for your cruelty. You shouldn’t have to behave like that because you are a better man than sending childish barbs.
I will speak to you when you stop insulting me and being cruel. I will come to you when you are ready to be kind to be and love me. But this behavior has to stop. You have been an asshole to me all week and you are purposely distorting anything you can.
Stop flinging childish insults.
I have no desire to go tit for tat – none. I was ready to come to you. But if you act like a jerk and treat me like crap you can remain alone.
I will say this very clearly again.
I love you. I want to be with you. At no time have I ever intentionally emotionally abused you or gaslighted you. I do not know your demons that you continue to raise these two things and because we have not done any work together on our past demons, this is the shit that’s going to keep coming up because it’s buried so fucking deep you can’t even see it anymore. I am not your enemy. I am in love with you and I am your partner. I don’t know who hurt you and how in the past but I refuse to let you keep taking it out on me and will not accept outright childish cruelty or abandonment.
There is nothing I wouldn’t try to do with you together. But there were two pieces in this puzzle.
Scotts reply: Wow. All I ask was for you to understand how I felt and feel. That’s not “cruel”. That’s all I asked. That’s all I ever asked from you. For understanding in how I feel when I’m disrespected, belittled, devalued. That’s not cruel. That’s dialogue and communication. No need for you to lash out with another outburst. I’m excited for you and the new path you wish to pursue for your future. I’m sure you will find all the success you desire
How about when I’m disrespected, belittled and devalued? You don’t believe you have done this to me? You have no part in that right?
Here’s the thing – I was willing to put myself out of my comfort zone and come to you. I was willing to do whatever it took and you pushed me away yet again. You don’t want this to work.
I was willing to put aside therapy in understanding and acceptance.
Sounds to me (and it’s in writing) that you lashed out. You had the outburst. But only you can twist actual facts. You have a knack for it.
If you want to ever repair this, stop with the low blows.
I have left the door open. I made myself clear.
Don’t contact me again unless you want to repair this relationship.
I do not want to hear from you again Scott unless You want to repair this relationship. Please respect my wishes.
When people love one another, they don’t attack, they find ways to repair. I am willing to do what it takes but you have to back down too. And you just aren’t even taking a half step. You are not showing love anymore.
So, if you don’t feel love, don’t act out of ill will
I regretted that last email, because I did want to just work it our face to face and the whole string was childish. This is when I found out he blocked me and I had to use a burner number to contact him. I ended up calling and telling him I would come, I knew it was the only way. And that’s the groundwork for the 13 days from the previous posts.
Here you can see how he refers to “another outburst” which pretty much means any time I had any type of emotion – sadness, anger, frustration – he considered it an outburst. And then, ultimately, a “roadshow”
Ok, give me feedback