His letter came Saturday.
We spoke a bit on Sunday and I also spoke to my therapist Sunday.
He agreed to therapy and to read 2 books she recommended.
Since then, we have had basic communication. He sent a lot of flowers to me Monday morning in an effort to acknowledge small gifts are important to me and he had stopped doing anything like that for me since last October. He also sends sweet little messages during the day to let me know he’s thinking of me.
But I’m feeling removed and deflated. I’m still confused about what I want.
I turned on Bumble for a minute last week because I was angry and I matched with a guy quickly. we started speaking and he asked me out this week. While I thought “fuck it” I realized two things: 1/ I don’t want someone else; 2/ I won’t be a jerk and cheat for no good reason. So I sent the nice guy a text, being honest, saying I wasn’t in the right headspace to be dating. I had already pulled my profile down within 24 hours of putting it up. It was a childish and immature act of rebellion.
Here is what’s bugging me:
He hasn’t mentioned if he bought the books, so I’m pretty sure he hasn’t.
He hasn’t mentioned therapy and I haven’t given him her number so he hasn’t contacted her.
He hasn’t asked to see me.
He hasn’t asked any questions about me (friends, family, life) his standard question is: how was your day, what did you do?
I realize in dating him it isn’t enough to expect your partner to tell you everything organically. You must ask questions and show curiosity. You must pull out information. It’s unfair to think “if you want to tell me you will tell me”. We haven’t spoken about one thing you couldn’t speak to a bartender about. I feel myself turning further inward and creating an even bigger chasm. His standard response to this challenge would be one of two things: I tried and you stopped me or “you women don’t like to talk about those things” which is the biggest load of bullshit I don’t even know what it means. Either of those two things are bullshit, he doesn’t know how to ask questions because he has no emotional depth.
I don’t believe it’s because he doesn’t care, it’s because he doesn’t believe it matters.
He has mentioned being physically close to me several times, but not asked to see me even once.
In hindsight, I can’t actually recall if he did this early in relationship. I feel like he pursued and I wasn’t always making the suggestions. Now I feel like he’s dropping hints I’m supposed to pick up on. In the book I’m reading it talks about dropping “coded” messages from your language. Say what you mean, don’t say words that are meant to be interpreted and decoded.
I speak to my therapist on Friday. I don’t know how much longer I can handle an in between with him, or if at all. It’s not like we were married and committed.
But there is a large part of me that wants to experience therapy with him and through his eyes. I want to understand myself through a partnership eyes. What have I been missing al these years that I’ve been unable to correct – because there IS something. Doesn’t seem to after what I think it is or isn’t, the same issues keep rising to the top and I don’t seem to be cognizant of them happening. Maybe there is a real opportunity for me here. Maybe there isn’t.
My two cents is that he will poo-poo therapy quickly. He’s “doing this for me” and “doesn’t believe in it”. I heard all that before with my x. He’s been in therapy for 2 years now and dating a psychologist and said it’s the best thing he’s done for himself. You can only lead a horse to water. I have a very strong suspicion Scott doesn’t want to shine the light in the corner.