Well Fuck, He Wrote Me A Letter

I opened my email to a letter from Scott. This shredded me a little and my stomach turned as I read each line. I didn’t know what to expect.

At the end, I don’t know if he is saying goodbye or resolved. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how to feel.

Here is his letter:

I am truly sorry for what has transpired and where we are now. I’m sorry for how we got here, the things that were said. I was so hurt. So very hurt with how I felt in every moment we disagreed. So very hurt when I would try so hard to do things for you, for your expectations, things that felt as though it was never enough to. I always wanted to make you happy. To be your partner forever. You are so special to me. I am in love with you. Always have been. Always will be. Since I first saw you. It sounds as though I haven’t said it enough or clearly enough.
Yet, it felt as though I wasn’t enough. It felt as though I couldn’t do the correct things to satisfy your needs, to meet your expectations. It felt as though you couldn’t find the enjoyment you desired with me as your partner. Those feelings have persisted in me for some time now. I tried to adapt and overcome the challenges that seemed to be the root cause of the tension between us. I just couldn’t seem to quell the storm while the tension just seemed to keep compounding.

The way I responded to you last week hurts me. I am sorry for my reaction and my behavior. Missing you in my life, as my girl, as my best friend, as my confidant, will forever hurt my soul. I dreamed of being the one who could calm your soul. I dreamed of being the one who would get to hold your hand at the end of our life’s journey. I wanted it so badly. 

I wanted so badly to be there for you. To support you in whatever was troubling you. I wanted to be your guy. To heal your wounds. To walk into old age at your side, proud of who you are. Proud of who you’ll become. Proud that my girl was so intelligent, driven, classy, elegant, pretty. Proud that I was the person that got to hold your hand. I am in awe of you and what you have accomplished.

There has been no one that has brought such an impact to me or has had on my life. You have brought the absolute best out in me. I wanted to change to do the things that would bring gratitude and joy to your life. You made me want to be the best version of myself while being the best partner to you. 

I remember staying up late and playing twenty questions just so you could watch me squirm and try not to tell the whole story. You challenged me always to talk about things I generally find uncomfortable. You have always asked me for more than I am capable of giving. You have pushed me to the limit with me as a willing participant. That’s how I knew you were my girl. You were special to me. You were the most important person in my life.

But it doesn’t seem to be like that anymore. The answers I give you now have to be more carefully considered so that you aren’t hurt emotionally. They have to be washed over so do not circle back to create a contentious point. We don’t seem to see each other as special anymore. We don’t seem to have the same reverence for the gift we received by meeting each other. I miss our fun times. I miss you.

There are also many things that I am unable to process or understand. Many times I do not understand why or how you became upset with me. I felt so attacked and as though you were very condescending to my feelings or opinions. Even trying to understand how those situations developed and escalated to a point that we could no longer have any dialogue is baffling to me. I do not understand my role in those moments, how I am supposed to resolve the things that you are upset about. Most of all, I never wanted to be the person that made you cry. 

Unfortunately, I have not exhibited the best reactions in those times. Times when you needed me to be supportive and understanding. Those are the times when I could see it all slipping away from me. In times that I knew I wasn’t equipped to make you happy and save our relationship. In times that I felt my love for you wasn’t going to be enough to sustain us. Times that scared me as I felt I was facing an end to our time together. Something I wanted desperately to prevent.

Still, at some point though, it seems that things compounded and slipped out of our hands. It felt as though tensions grew so quickly between us that we could never seem to gain control of what the underlying issues were. I do not understand why we went from enjoying our time together as much as we did to this new uncomfortable, contentious dynamic that seemed challenging for both of us to wrap our arms around. I will never understand how or why things changed.

I feel that this is now why we are where we are. That we lost the ability to enjoy each other’s company as we once did. That we failed to enjoy the benefits we brought into each other’s lives. That we no longer were supportive of the others viewpoint. That we just wanted to be right and win the battle. It seemed as though we no longer shared mutual respect for each other’s needs.

I know that we address things that trouble ourselves very differently and those things quickly developed into battle lines. None of the battles we fought were necessary. There was no issue that was so huge that we couldn’t have overcome nor should these things have meant the end of us. Yet, with each moment of trouble, we seemed to grow more entrenched allowing the moments to contribute significantly to the tension as we never resolved our growing conflicts.

Most of all, I’m not mad. I’m not angry. I do not like you deciding my mood either. What I am is I’m bewildered. I’m frustrated. That is all. I do not understand how we got here. Why we got here. There’s no joy in bickering about nonsensical things every moment. I wish we knew how to fix it. I wish we could fix it.  

You stated that you were trying so hard to make me happy. You. You make me happy. You brought me joy. This will always be a time that I look on as beautiful memories in my heart. I so enjoy our memories that we made together. I will forever cherish them. I will forever cherish you.

I want you to succeed and achieve the absolute best the world can offer you. You deserve it. I wanted so badly to be at your side, holding your hand, as you accomplished all you desire. You will always be my girl.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

19 thoughts on “Well Fuck, He Wrote Me A Letter”

  1. Sounds to me like he doesn’t really wanna say goodbye, but he feels like he has to. And if it has to end, he’s definitely wanting some closure. Some of the words at the end are in present tense, almost like he doesn’t want to put them in past tense because he knows that would sound too final. He obviously doesn’t want to lose you, but he thinks you need more than what he has to give. Ultimately, he doesn’t feel good enough for you and maybe he never has. His insecurities about that are probably always messing with his head, making your relationship seem impossible to him.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. It’s not me, it’s you. I don’t know. I feel like he is blaming you throughout this letter. Fuck him.

    “You have brought the absolute best out in me. I wanted to change to do the things that would bring gratitude and joy to your life. You made me want to be the best version of myself while being the best partner to you. “ So his absolute best is drinking to a blackout state, screaming at you, gaslighting you and making you feel horrible?

    Argh – he does not want to be accountable. He wants you to be someone you are not. Fuck him, fuck this letter which is some attempt at guilting you. There! Print it and burn it. He’s not the one.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I love you. The letter left me flat.

      I appreciated the sentiment and I’m sure it wasn’t easy to write, but the past tense, all the “we’s” and the lack of personal insight and accountability are astounding.

      I haven’t decided how to move forward but the letter didn’t bring me running back.

      I was grateful for the buried apology.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The way forward is hard, at least it has been for me. Zero contact, block him. It eliminates acquiescing in a weak moment. I think about the Hunter frequently, but I know he’s not the one. He’s blocked and I restrain myself for looking for him on social media. No good will come of it. You need to think about doing the same. Wish him well and be done – 100% done. Door closed, locked & chapter ended. Otherwise you are giving him emotional energy that could better served as you look for someone else. Just my very opinionated 2cents. 😉🥰

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Oh and I do not say all of this with anger. I just re-read my comments and they may sound angry. They really aren’t. They come from a place of boundaries and self-preservation. You have to protect yourself. Now isn’t the time to be vulnerable with him. Rant over. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m not sure I want that. Again, not making excuses and not being weak – I am unsure if I believe there is a way forward or not as yet.

        I do see your point, I am just unsure if I feel like I have skim in this game or not. And, if I do, I need to figure out why and what it is.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Yes, I saw it, but put it aside. I wanted to be liked, loved. I craved the amazing sex. I ignored the red flags or perhaps what’s more accurate is I failed to understand the gravity and long-term ramifications of those warning signs. I never ever should have let him move in after a month. However, it is all part of my journey and I have learned valuable lessons both good and not so good. He reads my blog still, so I am careful what I write which is another regret. Sigh.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I disagree with no response. I think you should give him his closure. Be honest, thorough, not overly kind but not rude and a stern this is over and I think it’s best we don’t contact each other again. I maggienayat50 on everything else.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel good that you’re going to talk. I am sad he sees it as him “changing” and trying to change when the things you need seem… really really normal. Your wants and needs are- communication regularly. Feeling valued and prioritized. Knowing how he feels about things- not just you but … life. That he doesn’t see that as stuff he is used to giving people- it’s kindof showing a bit of a shallow dip into the pool of life! He has so much opportunity to experience love and intimacy if he really hasn’t … dealt with sharing and being with a person like that. But it’s not your job to be his lifeguard, especially if he is going to use it as a blame mechanism every time he feels uncomfortable. It’s not your ‘fault’ that you know and understand bad and want deeper relationship. … if you feel like there’s more to explore with him I hope it goes well for you. If you end up going seperate ways that’s also ok. I want you to find that man who touches the small of your back and makes you smile.

    Like

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