Why Do I Have Control?

Do I have control of myself because I really don’t care? Because maybe I don’t really love him? Maybe I knew all along it wasn’t going to work?

This behavior is so unlike me (yea yea, everyone is happy I’m not batshit crazy like usual, but come on, this is just strange). Where did Trixie go?

Did Tony kill her? Mexico? Is she suffocated? Dead for good?

There isn’t even a crazy THOUGHT in my head. Not one.

The first few times we fought I went through some sort of emotional upheaval and afterwards I thought to myself…did I just feel that way to resolve the situation? Did I just not want to fight?

It might be. I may have fixed it or smoothed things out more because I didn’t want the disruption than I wanted the relationship? It occurred to me then and it occurs to me now.

I may have also grown up a little. I like to think its more about that but I’m actually unsure. Maybe I just found a bit of my own self worth and stubbornness. I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he’s treated me.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

5 thoughts on “Why Do I Have Control?”

  1. I’m wondering if Trixie came out when you still thought that a door was open, and it was both tantalizing and torturing. Trixie had a way of sabotaging things big-time; scorched earth, after she showed up. I also feel like you let your heart get way more involved with Bobby and Tony, you had a much more measured relationship with Scott, even when it was damaging. Also, with Scott, you got to spend long chunks of time with him, uninterrupted, whereas with Bobby and Tony you were always left wanting more. You got to “have” Scott (and I’m focusing on the healthy aspects of being with someone who is available) in ways you couldn’t with Bobby and Tony. Trixie seems to come out when part of you feels you didn’t get what you deserve. I dunno. Armchair psychologist here. Dr. Lucy Van Pelt (Peanuts reference)

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    1. Hello Dr Van Pelt, pleasure to meet you lol. I think you are on to something there. I also wonder if we spent too much time together too fast too early on due to covid. We lived together every other week for months. I suppose we learned fast in a sense so that’s good, the stuff would have risen to the surface at some point. Yes, my heart was in it wayyyyy more with Bobby and Tony which makes me wonder if I am either guarded or less interested, its hard to determine which one it is. There was so much that was healthy with Scott, day to day we lived together just fine. Part of me wonders how it went so wrong and part of me doesn’t care if he is going to treat me like this then he doesn’t deserve to have me. Trixie was for sure scorched earth, so why wouldn’t she come out now – I am unsure if a door is entirely closed with Scott. Perhaps if I were to reach out I could convince him once again after some time passes.

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  2. You’re so right in that you deserved to be treated better. I think that because you knew all along that this relationship had a limited shelf-life is why inwardly you have accepted its end. Time to focus on YOU!! I know you’ve got a lot of transitions coming up soon, but something tells me that these changes will go more smoothly than you may imagine.

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  3. Perhaps you learned that Trixie is a futile reaction that doesn’t work. The men that ignited Trixie were unavailable men because they we’re married. Perhaps Trixie was you acting out your anger about their unavailability. Scott was available, so when the relationship stumbled it wasn’t due to availability but other reasons, so there was no reason for Trixie to speak up. This is a good thing. Don’t call her up. She needs to be put to rest. Congrats!

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    1. I think so too. I’m just so surprised by the lack of my reaction. I did cry a lot but then there was just nothing left but a slight anger for him being such a jerk at the end. I like your analysis of Trixie. It feels right

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