When I Read Back

Geez, when I read back, I already knew the outcome, didn’t I?

I took all of this from one post dated 10/2/20:

He treats me as if I am a prize that he never thought he would win and often seems to be in awe of me. (This stopped)

He has already told me he would move heaven and earth for me if I would just let him. (He feels as if he was still doing this for me, I don’t disagree)

If I like it, he wants to like it right away too. While this is great, I want someone who maintains their own identity. I decided to run a half marathon and he immediately chose to run it with me. I like a certain type of music and he wants to listen to it all the time with me. I like wine and he will drink it with me. I like shellfish and he will eat it with me. None of this is bad, I just don’t want him morphing into what he thinks is the perfect man for me simply to attract me. (But this is what happened, he played pretend to attract me, and then rebelled with a cry of “let me be me”)

Scott is a good man. He tells me he has a mean streak that he doesn’t like about himself and I see that coming out as arrogance right now, but I believe him when he tells me, I just haven’t seen it (yup, see it now pretty clearly)

He compliments me constantly. Nothing is ever wrong with me (except he thinks I’m snobby too, who wouldn’t). Again, not sure what I think about this. Of course I want to be all the things to him but it falls flat when every word out of his mouth is how beautiful and special and amazing I am. (Lots of the compliments stopped. Actually until I read back I had forgotten how complimentary he was in the beginning because I was so strongly feeling the lack of affirmation towards the end)

I do worry that I’m not always so nice and I can be a bitter pill to take. He seems good at deflecting this quality in me and it tends to have me loosen my reigns – which is very unusual for me. He doesn’t dig in in opposition to me but instead tries to offer alternative viewpoints without pressing me. My need to be right all the time is much less aggressive with Scott and this is unique (he definitely did not handle me well for much longer)

The last piece: I notice he doesn’t really ask me a lot of open ended questions. He is very in tune to me and pays attention, but he doesn’t seem to try and get to know the way my mind works. Rather, he goes for the outward things like my favorite food, wine, exercise (he joined Peloton because of me) or music. These things he nails because he watches me closely. Tony dug around. He asked about my family, my past, my education, why I liked some things and not others, what I dreamed of, what my sorrows were. Scott seems to be focused on how to please me. He often notes that I ask him a lot of questions and some of them make him uncomfortable to be so vulnerable but he likes opening up to me. But he doesn’t really come up with his own questions. (and this never changed)

This was depressing.

Mostly because I feel that there is just as much good in here as negative. What could I have done differently to have a different outcome. Maybe even just a less abrupt ending?

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

4 thoughts on “When I Read Back”

  1. It kinda sounds like lovebomb but was more than likely NRE as the polyamorous community calls it. New relationship energy last from 6 months to 2 years. Many relationships don’t make it past this point because they were caught up in love but found later they really don’t like each other.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I questioned that! I asked him if he was in love with me or in love with an idea of me. But when he told me why he loved me, he was specific about something that I couldn’t debate, he said “it’s your spirit, your energy I fell in love with and every day it only shines brighter”


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