Guilt Buried Deep

Why am I so guilty that this relationship failed?

Or even, not call it a failure, we tried and it just didn’t work out.

Yet, I sit here feeling horribly guilty that I failed. I failed again.

They are all in relationship, the big ones I failed at before: my x, Tony, or Bobby.

Why does this somehow upend me that I can’t find my person? Or that those men have relationship? Is that some kind of weird jealousy?

I’m crying because I feel like a big fat failure. I lost the perfect man (in my dreams that would have meant Tony). An ideal job. My home of 40+ years. I couldn’t lose weight without a surgery that almost killed me. I can never seem to stave off depression. I feel like I am failing my kids because I am leaving them before they even exit college.

I just wanted it all to stop.

For a few minutes there, Scott gave me that. The world stopped crushing me and I started to feel strong and confident again. Someone was holding my hand again. I know its wrong to depend on anyone else to validate me, but there it is. I haven’t really learned how to do that. I’m so tired of trying, just so tired.

I want things to be easier. This was something I admired about Scott – how he viewed his world/life/situation with such simplicity. He wanted things to be simple. As much as this is what I would like, I struggle with this type of simplicity as it also means complacency which somehow correlates to failure for me.

If Scott have me nothing else, he gave me the ability to see things through a different lens. One that was focused on experience over things. He lived a life unattached to many things and while I wouldn’t want a life quite that unencumbered, it does show me I can be lighter than I am. I weigh myself down being such an over-achiever that is guilty for not over-achieving anymore. I could almost see beginning to live differently if I just let go of my grip.

And maybe, a strong maybe, I crushed him in my death grip of over achieving perfectionism. It just be to hard to compete with an ideal that no longer exists. He has no idea what I’ve had and given up because he can only see what I have now.

When speaking to my closest friend yesterday she said she wished she could explain to him how far I’ve come before he judged me. If he could somehow see that year over year I progress in my endeavor to be a better human. Would it matter? Or would he still need me to be as complacent and unencumbered as he?

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

One thought on “Guilt Buried Deep”

  1. How about thinking about Scott as an exercise in adult dating? You are slowly learning how to date. I don’t mean 1-3 dates with a guy to determine potential chemistry. I mean trying on the relationship and recognizing when it comes up short. That’s not a failure. That’s how adults date. They try it on for size and comfort, and then decide if it’s a keeper. That’s what you and I have never learned. We met our husbands when we were young and our dating maturity froze in time. We need to date in a variety of scenarios so we can “grow up” and date like adults. In this context, Scott was a success for what you are learning about yourself.

    Now I boldly say this as I firmly sit on the sidelines. I have little interest in dating, but soon I will and will need to make sure I do a better job. You are not a failure. You are learning and growing and making big changes. Failures can’t do that. Be kind to yourself. What would you be telling a friend in the same situation? That’s what you should tell yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

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