Why am I so guilty that this relationship failed?
Or even, not call it a failure, we tried and it just didn’t work out.
Yet, I sit here feeling horribly guilty that I failed. I failed again.
They are all in relationship, the big ones I failed at before: my x, Tony, or Bobby.
Why does this somehow upend me that I can’t find my person? Or that those men have relationship? Is that some kind of weird jealousy?
I’m crying because I feel like a big fat failure. I lost the perfect man (in my dreams that would have meant Tony). An ideal job. My home of 40+ years. I couldn’t lose weight without a surgery that almost killed me. I can never seem to stave off depression. I feel like I am failing my kids because I am leaving them before they even exit college.
I just wanted it all to stop.
For a few minutes there, Scott gave me that. The world stopped crushing me and I started to feel strong and confident again. Someone was holding my hand again. I know its wrong to depend on anyone else to validate me, but there it is. I haven’t really learned how to do that. I’m so tired of trying, just so tired.
I want things to be easier. This was something I admired about Scott – how he viewed his world/life/situation with such simplicity. He wanted things to be simple. As much as this is what I would like, I struggle with this type of simplicity as it also means complacency which somehow correlates to failure for me.
If Scott have me nothing else, he gave me the ability to see things through a different lens. One that was focused on experience over things. He lived a life unattached to many things and while I wouldn’t want a life quite that unencumbered, it does show me I can be lighter than I am. I weigh myself down being such an over-achiever that is guilty for not over-achieving anymore. I could almost see beginning to live differently if I just let go of my grip.
And maybe, a strong maybe, I crushed him in my death grip of over achieving perfectionism. It just be to hard to compete with an ideal that no longer exists. He has no idea what I’ve had and given up because he can only see what I have now.
When speaking to my closest friend yesterday she said she wished she could explain to him how far I’ve come before he judged me. If he could somehow see that year over year I progress in my endeavor to be a better human. Would it matter? Or would he still need me to be as complacent and unencumbered as he?