I’ve truly been doing the best I can.
Something is so off for me. I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly. I can name plenty of things, but there is something deeply, deeply rooted that I can not unearth.
I can’t have the conversation about a job search with anyone anymore. I’m tired of hearing the stock answers that “you’re so smart and talented someone you will always land on your feet!” Or “why can’t you do something else? I’m sure you have transferable skills!” Then their brainstorming starts “have you tried this!” “I know someone who does that, why can’t you?” “I know admin assistants that make over $100k – surely you can find a job!” Do people truly not understand how hard it is to pivot a career at 53 years old? A career built in very, very specific and technical experience? I sound cranky because I am.
I am not unhappy with the job I have exactly. I doesn’t pay enough (I took 1/3 of my normal salary, so that puts me back to what I made when I was 30 years old) but I remind myself every single day that I am very grateful to have any job in my industry. It’s on the other side of the country and I just don’t want to live in Portland, Oregon. While some friends try and encourage me and make it sound like a great new adventure, I feel that the ones who are the most honest with me will say “its not your place and hopefully this is only temporary.” It is not my place. I am an urbanite at heart. Going to a crunchy granola, outdoor loving extremely liberal place yet totally not diverse city is just not for me. I am praying I can convince my new team that I can remain remote for good. If I can do that, I can come up with a plan that feels comfortable to me, despite the loss of salary. I am trying every day to remain positive and grateful.
In the meantime I am so overwhelmed with the timing and making a plan – and that’s a kiss of death for a planner like me.
I have decided to sell my home. While the pain of this decision resonates with me every day, I know this is the right decision. My brain is in overdrive to think of ways to stay, to keep my old dream of living here forever so my grandchildren could be close (imaginary grandchildren I don’t even have yet). I fight with myself daily to stick to my decision to sell. The market is ideal for a home like in in my proximity to the city. My brain is working so hard to keep me here that I often wake in a cold sweat fighting with this decision.
Besides the emotional and mental challenge to sell, I struggle with logistical challenges. Ideally, I want to pack up and move once. I don’t foresee that happening unless I can go totally remote. I want to be in my home until my youngest is off to college in early September – this really isn’t ideal for a new family to move in, so I know I have to be out in the summer. The plans look as follows depending on my circumstances:
- Sell the house as close to my move date as possible, pack everything and put into storage. If I had to live with my sister 2.5 hours away until my youngest is off to college, I suppose I could do that. Then, move to Portland and rent a furnished apartment for about 6 months while looking for a place to live.
- If remote, sell the house in the summer, buy (or rent) a townhome further south in the same state where it would be more affordable but keeping me within about an hour drive to all my family and friends
I need to avoid moving more than twice – once out of this house and then once our of storage. That’s already super costly AND I have to consider how to get my car and stuff I need to wherever I land in the interim of having a full time home.
Right now, my job expects me to move around September. I do believe I can convince them to let me stay home longer, but even if they did, that wouldn’t be sensible as far as selling my home because I would have no where to live. I am so stressed about how I will see my kids if I leave this state. I don’t make enough money to maintain any type of residence in two states. And I know my kids well enough, they may come visit once, but they won’t want to be put out. That really sucks.
Add this break up on top of everything and I feel really shitty.
I have my first therapy appointment Friday. I’m praying most of the service is covered because she’s expensive. If I have to pay 20% it will already be $50 which isn’t a terrible fee every week. But if the insurance does that “usual and customary fee” thing and they say they only pay 80% of (not $250 which is her rate) then I might be paying much more – and I can’t even afford the $50 frankly.
I don’t want to go on more meds. I can barely have an orgasm as it is, and any stronger meds will kill my libido. At least my sex life was healthy.
I feel so crushed by the weight of everything lately. At least before I had Scott to hold my hand through so much of this change. Now I’m just alone.
I don’t even have friends or family to help me through this exactly. I lost my best friend post Mexico, and I sort of don’t blame her. My other closest friend is not the type to come running to help in a crisis, she would be there on the phone, but that’s about it.
I’m just feeling like I’ve really fucked up my life since 2018 and I don’t know how to get any part of it back.