If I wrote a letter to you, what would it say?
If I wrote a letter to myself what would it say?
They say at the end of a relationship you should write down all the things you didn’t like about a relationship instead of focusing on all the things you did like. They also say you should work through a process of forgiveness.
This week was The 1 year anniversary of the day we met. After a big fight last week where he broke up with me on the phone “we’re done here” but I reached out with an attempt to resolve, I knew in my heart of hearts we were not making it through this weekend. Yet, we both arrived full of hope.
There was one thing I was clear about, for both our parts, should he abandon me again in anger, I would not stop him from leaving this time.
The truth is, I don’t know exactly what turned him so angry on the second day. I honestly and truly do not. But it went bad early in the day and only got worse. This resulted in him leaving me behind in the hotel before 9pm and going home, leaving me to get back on the train and head home the next day.
I didn’t cry during this fight because I had already cried close to 2 hours during the day, which angered and embarrassed him. He really doesn’t understand emotion and the fact that he was more worried about being embarrassed than soothing me shows how deep the emotional insecurity runs. He thinks it’s a play or manipulation to get him to have sympathy for me, I assure you it was not.
I didn’t understand why I cried so much yesterday but I do now. The moment he got made at me I knew it was over. I just knew there was no coming back from this one. I knew he would ultimately abandon me at some point during the day/night and I could not control my emotional response to that. I could not articulate this to him yesterday and I’m pretty sure if I did, I still wouldn’t have gotten the soothing I needed to come down off my ledge. Once again I was the one to ultimately attempt repair during the day, but he sat on his anger until he pounced.
We don’t know how to communicate with one another on the things that are important.
The strangest thing of all is we get mad in trying to please the other. He feels like no matter what he does it’s wrong or not enough and I feel exactly the same way. When I think I’m being agreeable and not complaining, somehow I am still not doing what he needs. I wish I could figure it out because, long term, Scott is the type of partner I want to be with. But, I don’t know how to separate emotion from practicality.
I do know I can’t live in fear he will leave when he’s angry. Or have him be so mad at me that he sees no part in the event leading up to the argument. More than any other time in my life I tried to do what he needed, I thought I was. Yesterday was a clear indicator that I cannot do what he needs me to do and he cannot seem to give me what I need emotionally.
He does try. He really does try to please me. Until I piss him off, and now, after too many arguments about the same triggers and patterns, he can’t stay in the moment and the whole thing just whips around.
Last night when things started I remained stat felt disengaged (like I said I had cried most of the day) and after being told there was no reason to cry and I embarrassed him, I kept my emotion removed. As he escalated and began packing I asked him to stop speaking multiple times because at that point it was all attack until I finally went into the bathroom to wait for him to leave the room.
I let my kids and friends know I was alone and coming home the next day. Then I took a gummy and went to sleep.
My heart hurts today, my brain is foggy and I just want these feelings to pass so I can get on with the process of healing.
I know he will not reach out and that kills me. I know he will never be the one to make a first move anymore. I have to accept that it is what it is and I can no longer do it. I need to stick by my own word and demonstrate some self worth for once.
I am just numb today. I thought maybe I could write the list of the reasons why not, but that hurts too much today.
I want to be with someone who feels I’m worth a chase, an apology, or comfort sometimes – no matter how angry and upset they are. I want to feel safe. I want to be seen when I hurt or even when I’m wrong. I want to learn how to fight fair (and I have in this relationship) and come out the other side of arguments stronger. I don’t mind that he held a mirror to my ugly spots, I don’t mind acknowledging and accepting there are things that should I change to be a better person. I cannot do that with someone who repeatedly says “I am who I am” but does not allow me the same luxury.
I am really sad. I hope I have the strength to weather this storm. I have an appt with my therapist now that I have some health coverage again. I know there is work to be done on myself.
And I know I need to write a letter of forgiveness to myself. He deserves one, too. But this time I have to learn no one is going to take care of my emotional well being but me.