What Still Lies Between

Now you have most of the good stuff so it’s time I get through the pieces that are still floating in my head as challenges.

This part I find to be my self -talk-therapy. I’ve got questions to suss through and I often find myself stepping back from Scott to think: can I do this?

Here’s my running list of what lies stuck between my heart and my head ….

Attraction and Sex: The attraction piece is not fully vetted. I do find myself becoming more attracted to him and wonder if that’s from familiarity.

Sex has improved although there is still some sort of missing component for me. I get turned on by Scott, that is never an issue (so there clearly is an attraction) but at some point during the act, I become too aware that I might not like something. We have started talking about this a little more because I believe he senses it as (from me) well. I’m having a hard time with orgasm. He’s gotten me there a couple times, but not enough for the amount of time we are together. I’m afraid because I’m frustrated I’m not asking for more oral sex and he’s not offering. Our sexual styles are very different. He is so very far behind my more skilled partners that it worries me. Perhaps it’s not that he’s less skilled, it’s just less in sync with me? Either way, something is off.

Part of me balks at talking about “how” I like to have sex. I can absolutely say what I don’t like when it happens, but guidance on what I do like I find much harder. It’s not a recipe. I hate being a teacher with such a passion (my baggage from my marriage) and frankly I’m a horrible teacher. He’s not super intuitive and because early on there was way too much I didn’t like about his style that I’m going to guess he’s holding back in some ways.

I think this is the greatest challenge.

Bravado/Bragging/Gossiping: Without writing a novel and being over descriptive (which I know I tend to do) I’m just going to list a few of the consistent behaviors he exhibits:

He can sometimes behave very immaturely for a 46 year old man and he tends to spend too much time with much younger people in a different place in life.

While he thinks he avoids drama like the plague, he in fact, invites it in. It’s the sheer nature of his personality to pretend not to be involved when he is entirely involved. Like not gawking at a traffic accident and perhaps then even causing your own. He attracts drama. This one I understand. I know this because it’s shit I’ve done with men. But he doesn’t just do it with women but also the kids he hangs around with.

He doesn’t think he brags but he does. Pride is ok when it’s subtle. He wants people to know what he’s accomplished and he needs the affirmation. I am not used to anyone talking about themselves in this manner. I find it very off-putting and don’t really know what to make of it.

The gossip – that’s something I’ve never done and it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He talks to a lot of people and feels like he keeps his most personal information close to his chest. He just doesn’t realize he reveals all of himself in so many other ways than the actual words. To compound this, his 24 year old daughter is busy telling everyone anything else he hasn’t told them. He does the same thing in his personal and professional life. I have my close friends or family (and of course this blog) that I share personal info with and even then, not always outright. Maybe I’m just not as friendly and open. His job allows him enough down time (breakfast breaks, coffee breaks, lunch breaks) that it’s ripe for water cooler gossip. Again, I’m not used to this amount of free time in an office environment.

I know that sounds demanding and I’m not sorry about it. I want him to act his age with or without me beside him. He is super intelligent but the problem is being surrounded (in his social life) by a different class of people than I’m used to. If you don’t think class systems still exist, you’re nuts. And I’m not talking money. This is only related to behavior. He may have been born a hillbilly but he doesn’t need to act like one at 46.

This is a fine line. Where he lives and where I live are very different. When he’s up here with me he exhibits NONE of this nonsense. He sees it won’t fly here. My concern is seeing how much of this is ingrained in his personality. What’s the saying? You can take the boy out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the boy. Still unsure about the overall impact of this one so I do my best to sit back and absorb what he shares with me with as little judgement as possible.

Socioeconomic: now this is the one related to money. Seeing how he lives was eye opening. He has a great life and does earn plenty for what he wants from his life. This is partially due to location and partly due to ones desire for things/experiences. I’m happy I got to see this first hand. He’s not cheap by any means. The word (we both) came up with for me is Bougie. It’s the same exact word Tony used for me. I have certain ways/things thats I’m Bougie about. I turn my nose up when someone/something isn’t held to whatever that Bougie standard is for me. The good news is I realize the $ is a figure, that’s it, a $ figure. It doesn’t define anything. Sure more money opens more doors but Scott doesn’t care if those doors open for him. I’m still trying to figure out how much it matters to me. Spending time with him in his lovely home, in his life, showed me I really need to evaluate how I truly feel deep down about money. I’ve been spoiled and jaded a long ass time. This remains ultimately unresolved but is no longer a check against Scott if that makes any sense.

That’s pretty much it – not so very different than the initial feelings I identified with him, but softened by the fact he’s such an amazing person and cares for me so much. I need to work through these so they don’t come back to bite me as resentments later – that much I know from my bad marriage.

I do often feel a pull towards him emotionally, I really like him for so many reasons. The negative ones listed above seem to have a pretty firm grasp on me and will certainly require working through. I’m just attempting not to let them override the deeper sense of satisfaction.

Frankly, the biggest red flag in all of this I haven’t even listed because I understand it and think it can be possible, though improbable. Scott fell in love too quickly and already sees our future together. I worry that he’s doing a bit of a dance around my personality because he sees what he wants to see instead of seeing what’s in front of him. Then I question that because he will stop me when he doesn’t like a behavior of mine and I think “oh, he really is taking all of me in and accepting me.” The jury is out on this until we have time under our belt. I hope he doesn’t have too much of a fantasy of me built in his head that, as we spend more time together, comes crashing down into a reality he wasn’t expecting. Only time will tell.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

5 thoughts on “What Still Lies Between”

  1. The real question, of course, is any of this, on your part, gonna mess this up? You say he fell in love too quickly… and I’m pretty sure there’s no time limits imposed on this one – he feels the way he feels and there’s nothing you can do about that other than accept that this is how he says he feels about you – or you don’t believe what he says. We all want to see what we want to see and if we see something we don’t like, we start making a running list of those things that only serve to set the stage for the relationship to get broken.

    A huge mistake almost everyone makes is to punish the current partner for the ills, sins, and evils committed by previous partners and that not only tends to make people paranoid it, um, makes people do exactly what you’re doing: Looking at any or all negatives. That usually doesn’t work well. People know that they shouldn’t do this… but they also find it almost impossible not to do it. What they find out is that they spend more time looking for negatives than they do just enjoying being with the person they’re with; they’re always on guard for the ghosts of their past to show up and many are convinced that they will show up and while they’re going on with the relationship, they’re already thinking about their exit plan… and how they’re going to blame their leaving on their new partner… and, really, because they’re just being themselves – and not the person you want them to be.

    The money thing. We need it to do whatever we need to do and I’ve seen and heard of more relationships getting trashed over money. I grew up in the shadow of mothers telling their daughters to never, ever get involved with a guy who doesn’t have money and/or doesn’t have a lot of it. Scott’s career choices are his but, again, you’re kinda bashing him for not going about his career in the way you go about yours and you really need to take a step back and look at the fact that you’re doing this and then ask yourself if, at the end of the day, does it really matter?

    Yep – I read what you wrote and said to myself, “Oh, here she goes again…” I’d never say that you shouldn’t have concerns and stuff like that but I’ll again caution you – and Trixie – to not nitpick Scott to death and, yeah, being overly bougie; even I’d say something to you about that because it’s unbecoming and petty. The thing a lot of women do that has always bothered the shit out of me is that they demand that a guy accept them as they are… but they’re not so willing to accept the guy as he is… and then they try to change him. The relationship becomes all about them and not the conjoined thing it’s supposed to be and a lot of those women? All they do is sit back and find fault with the guy and then give him the business over it every chance they get. Whatever good things the guy does tends to get swept under the rug.

    Women who have unfortunately been damaged in the past tend to do things like this in the future – men do it, too. They can’t let go of the past and when you tell them that, “That was then, this is now…” they say, “Yeah, but…” – and here comes all of the reasons why they think there’s no difference between what was and what currently is… and it gets to a point where the relationship fails because, in actuality, it was doomed to fail the moment you met each other; the failure is expected and even anticipated and when people do that, they’re going to do everything they can to make it fail and even if they’re not aware that they’re doing it.

    In the things you wrote, it’s like you’re saying, “How dare he be himself!” and, yep, you’re finding every fault in him you can conjure up and I think you know how this is gonna go IF you keep doing this and, yeah – keep in mind that if you’re doing this, he’s doing it, too… and this is not a good thing. How does that saying go? Judge not lest ye be judged?

    Tell Trixie that she doesn’t have to leave…. but she can’t stay here. You are allowed to be happy and this Trixie-like thinking is only going to assure that you will never be happy… with anyone. Keep remembering this: If I wouldn’t date you, something is really and seriously wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The only deal breaker I think there truly is personality. You just need to know him better and know what makes him. You don’t want to change him, but you have stated that his immaturity will not fly with you.

    I can be kinda a gossip but only to David. Watch out for gossips who spill the beans to whoever will listen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it’s an attention thing. I don’t know him long enough yet and have found it interesting to sit back and watch. I have told him I’m very private and don’t want my stuff – any of it – shared. He already told all his crew I am starting a new job….I just don’t care for that.


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