Heading towards something new

I wrote this from the train headed towards Scott. It’s a long train ride, almost 5 hours. I would be happier if I didn’t have a migraine.

I have vacillated a bit over what I’m feeling. I want to believe I’m excited to see him but it doesn’t quite feel like excitement. At least, not the kind I’m used to. This isn’t white hot burning butterflies out of control excitement. This is new. I honestly don’t know what to call it. It’s a good feeling. Sort of like knowing what a good meal is going to taste like, comforting.

I am looking forward to being with him for an extended amount of time. I have no doubt we will have fun. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be comfortable. I don’t worry that he will pressure me to behave or do anything I don’t want to do, he won’t even have an expectation. Or, perhaps if he does, he probably won’t let it show. His entire goal will be my pleasure and comfort over the next week.

You heard that right – one week. I knew I was going to need to see Scott on his home turf to begin to understand if this relationship would have legs. I knew we needed some time that wasn’t feeling like vacation time. The opportunity presented itself and I took it.

We will be spending a few days at his home and then a few days in Washington DC. We are running The Virtual Chicago half marathon together on Saturday. This is a good example of how far he’s willing to go for me – the half marathon was something I wanted to do for myself because I needed some focus to pull myself up from a spiraling depression. When he heard I was doing it, he wanted to join me. He is a sincere athlete and will have to hold way back to run with me, but it’s all he wants to do – to do this together and share the experience. I admit, when he said he wanted to do it with me I was really pleased. Then he suggested we run it around the National Mall in DC and, while I’m terrified to run outside (because I just don’t), I love the idea of being somewhere so iconic to mark my first half and being with someone who is going to derive as much joy (and pain) from the experience as I will.

I wish I was the kind of hyper excited I used to get before seeing Tony or Bobby. I wish I felt those butterflies. Once in a while there is a little twinge of something, I wouldn’t call it the butterflies, but it is something. I know without a doubt I will be happy around him – the question remains: is that enough for me? Is it enough for anyone? I just don’t know.

I still consider the fact we are from different socioeconomic classes. I’ve been doing a LOT of reading about that and it’s well written about that it’s a pretty difficult struggle for most couple to overcome this kind of hurdle. I knew I wasn’t imagining things when I feel this way. Socioeconomic diversity is a real thing and a thing that can cause either partner to be unhappy for different reasons. The only way I am going to determine if this is a real-world challenge or a just an in-my-head challenge is to spend time with Scott, especially on his home turf.

I will also be meeting his 24 year old daughter. She is the light in his life and he’s so excited for me to meet her. She’s so happy for him that she’s excited to meet me as well. I think it’s strange and sweet all at the same time. It will be a first for me. They have a very tight relationship. She is lacking a mother figure and I think he sees what kind of influence I could be on his daughter. I don’t feel pressure right now because I don’t know what I want in this relationship other than for us both to enjoy one another.

He went crazy cleaning his house and food shopping for me. His daughter has cats and boy do I hate cats – so there was a big effort in his part to remove all signs of cat hair from the place. I am terrified of all cats so I hope his daughter doesn’t think it’s “cute” to let the cats out of the basement. That won’t go over well for anyone. When someone comes to my home, of course I prepare in much the same way but I have a feeling my home starts in a bit more organized place than his does. He’s been a bachelor for a few years and I know he doesn’t like it. He often hints how he doesn’t bother with things at home because he just assumes his “woman” is going to want to change things. In a way, he’s quite compliant to the traditional roles of man/woman in a relationship which is, in its own way, charming. I like this, it works well for me. He will always care for me.

We started talking about love languages but didn’t get too far other than retaking the quiz and sharing results. I was surprised that acts of service wasn’t his first or second love language as he often comments about the lack of what others have done before me. His top love language is quality time followed by physical touch and then acts of service. Interestingly enough, words of affirmation fell off the top of my list for the first time ever. I suspect this is because I’ve learned to affirm myself in so many ways. I realize I don’t need as much from a partner though I still love to hear it. Also, Scott says so much positive affirmation for me that I find it a little unbelievable. I can’t recall if Tony did it this much or not. I don’t think so. I actually wish he would pull back on the compliments a little so that they felt a little more true. My face, hair, outfit or whatever can’t be perfect every single time but that’s pretty much what he says if I so much as self-flagellate. My traditional go to moniker is usually “handsome” when I’m attracted to someone and I find myself holding this back with him and I feel pretty crappy about it. It doesn’t ring true to me. Little things like this tend to occupy my thoughts when I’m away from him. I’m really trying not to let them consume my thoughts.

In between this nonsense I am happy to be heading his way. As I get closer I am starting to feel a little excitement and I know when I see the happiness on his face I will respond in kind. I know we will have fun, laugh, be silly and enjoy one another. I feel like we can be friends together. I know this is all a great start.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

4 thoughts on “Heading towards something new”

  1. Socioeconomic diversity only becomes a problem when the people involved make it a problem… why are you even thinking about it being a problem? That’s even putting the cart before the horse in a way since, right now, you’re just trying to find out if there’s some potential to be a real couple or not – and I do think spending this time with him will tell you a lot about that… and I’m also afraid that it’s going to trigger the “other Madeline” to show up and just fuck everything up.

    Okay… let me tell you something about men. One of the things we’ve learned about dealing with women is that we must constantly let them know or otherwise affirm that we like everything about them from the way they wear their hair to their eyes and other things. We learn that if we do not do these things and as much as possible, a woman is going to eventually get it into her head that, well, there’s nothing we really like about them and that strangely includes having sex with them.

    It becomes a question of whether the guy who’s fawning over you is really sincere about it, maybe overdoing it, or he’s talking out of his ass and with a high degree on insincerity. Women, we have learned, are insane; they want us falling all over them… and can’t stand it so much. They want our attention and at all times… and will turn around and cut us too short to shit for giving them the same attention they want from us: We learn that we’re damned if we do and doubly damned if we don’t.

    “Does this dress make me look fat?” Yeah… we know what’ll happen if we say that it does and we know what’ll happen if we tell that little white lie and say it doesn’t when she’s pretty sure it does since chances are she thinks she’s fat… even when she really isn’t. Sure your hair isn’t going to be perfect every time… but only the bravest of us will tell you that, today, hmm, sorry hon – your hair kinda looks like a sheep’s ass today or you look like you got dressed and put on your makeup with your eyes closed. That’s suicide and we know it. We know that women are “used to” guys lying to them about such things so we know that when we say them, chances are she’s not really gonna believe us and the more we say it, the less they’re gonna believe us.

    Damned if we do, triply damned if we don’t. Why don’t we “regularly” tell women how we feel about them? Because they usually don’t believe whatever we might say and they don’t tend to believe it because other guys have lied to them about how they feel. We know that women have to be almost constantly told how much we’re into them and we can’t live without them and how we just love every little thing about them because if we don’t, we’re in very deep doo-doo.

    “You say that you love/care for me… so prove it – and prove it without sex being involved.” We learn that it’s damned near impossible to prove it and that anything non-sexual we try is never enough proof… but if we don’t try something, we’re screwed and never in a good way.

    In this, we can’t win for losing. Women say that they love to hear these things from us… but they don’t always need to hear them… but they love hearing them. Do the pants you have on today make your ass look too big? Yeah, honey, they do… and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Ask me if you’re being bitchy today? Most guys are scared to death to tell you that you’re quite bitchy so they just lie and say you’re not – and you know they’re lying – and we know there’s no telling how you’re gonna react to knowing that we lied but you also ain’t fond of being told that, yeah, baby – you’re really bitchy today and I have no idea why you are.

    Stop overthinking this, Madeline. Go be with him for a week and enjoy being with him and see how he is at home… and with the understanding that he’s going to be… different because you’re there so there’s no way of knowing what he’s like when your not together. DO NOT MAKE THIS HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE! I’m almost begging you not to do this! Please do not allow the “other Madeline” to screw this up for you and I’ll say it again: I am very afraid she’s gonna show up and nitpick poor Scott to death…

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  2. How exciting – you amazing BadAss doing a half marathon! You have come so far in your personal health and fitness. I am SO impressed! I am also so impressed you have a beau who wants to do it with you. I hope you relax and have a great time. The change of scenery may do you some good. Ciao!

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  3. Doing the half marathon together is so awesome!!!

    As for the butterflies etc …I read some where that those feelings are also similar to pangs of anxiety…but we chose to read it as excitement and chemistry. I’ve come to realize for myself that the feeling of calm and contentment is a much better sign that I am with someone who is healthy for me.

    I’ve been dating someone for the past 6 months now but In the beginning I really struggled with not having that blood coursing excitement feeling…I went back and forth about my interest in him for the first couple months ….it really bothered me at first but then I realized I also wasn’t feeling anxious and I liked that. I enjoy the calm…and now I look so forward to time with him. We line over an hour and a half apart but manage to spend so much quality time together and I feel so content.

    Give it time…spend time together doing activities you both enjoy and stop overthinking is my advice! 🤗

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    1. I love this comment, thank you. I’m so happy you found someone who makes you content. After spending a week with Scott, I realized how easy, peaceful and satisfied I was. There are things we need to work on, but that’s pretty normal. He’s very tolerant of me which makes me feel lucky.

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