I am so confused …. (part 3)

I think I got most of it all down and out now.

There are more good qualities than challenges with Scott if I was counting. I’m just not sure how the weighted average works out.

After we went away for the weekend and I agonized for a while as well as solicited advice from friends. I dug deep into what I was feeling and tried to explore why I was so predisposed to these thoughts and feelings. I came up with some answers and on some I’m still empty handed.

And it may surprise some of you …. but I firmly decided I was going to give it a go with Scott.

I just needed to wrap my mind around it. I was clear of the potential pitfalls but all of my friends, and I do mean all, unanimously voted for Scott. They know all of the struggles I’ve had and continue to go through and just felt that I deserved someone who adored me with no questions asked. And he does. He really takes me for who I am. Perhaps if there was one quality above all that I treasured in Tony it was this one. Scott has exactly the same quality.

He takes me for who I am knowing I struggle with his job/income and the stereotypes assigned to government work. He doesn’t know about the attraction piece, though we have talked about the disparity in class briefly. He acknowledges we started in very different places and have had significantly different life experiences. He treats me as if I am a prize that he never thought he would win and often seems to be in awe of me.

He has already told me he would move heaven and earth for me if I would just let him.

Scott is a good man. He tells me he has a mean streak that he doesn’t like about himself and I see that coming out as arrogance right now, but I believe him when he tells me, I just haven’t seen it. I can tell his defenses are down around me and I am allowing mine to begin to come down as well. Once I make up my mind about something, I go all in.

I do worry that I’m not always so nice and I can be a bitter pill to take. He seems good at deflecting this quality in me and it tends to have me loosen my reigns – which is very unusual for me. He doesn’t dig in in opposition to me but instead tries to offer alternative viewpoints without pressing me. My need to be right all the time is much less aggressive with Scott and this is unique. A little example of this is when we were walking along on our way to lunch on our weekend away, I stopped suddenly and said “we are going the wrong way!” He said he was pretty sure we were not. As per my usual always-right self I declared “I really think it’s the wrong way!” He asked me to trust him and I looked at him and rather than insist yet again, I just said “ok.” The funny thing was it stopped him in his tracks and he worried that now I would give it to him if he was wrong. I promised him I wouldn’t, that I did trust him and even if he was wrong it was just a little walk on a beautiful day and didn’t really matter. I meant it too. I handed over the reins. I let go. And, of course, he was right. He was also very relieved which was quite funny.

That was the first time I really put my trust in him. The next time was the long ride home in my car. He drove and I was able to fall asleep for a little bit. That’s a sure sign of trust with me. He told me much later how happy this made him because his x-wife and his x-affair partner both hated his driving. I know these are two very little things, but they are important to me. When I don’t need to be in control and I can let go I am happier. I know this for a fact after Bobby and Tony, but it takes a special person to get me to change my behavior. I don’t give up being right all that easily.

I can’t change the job/income situation and have to work towards complete acceptance, and I am trying. I know I’m a snob when it comes to this and part of that is the by-product of living in a wealthy area. Going backwards in income was never a welcome thought before now. I am truly unsure where this lands for me so we will have to see. In an early relationship, this has no bearing so I’m letting it go.

I hold out hope that I will become more physically attracted to Scott. I can’t force this so it’s another thing I’m letting go of. Sex has improved. Our sexual cadence is much, much slower than when I’m very attracted to a man and he doesn’t push me. I only hope he doesn’t feel like I’m not attracted to him. I don’t want him to feel this from me.

After the weekend away and my subsequent decision to give it a real shot with Scott, he came to spend 3 days at my home. We went to a winery one day and the next day we did a bunch of nothing together. He was thrilled I watched football with him and asked a lot of questions about his favorite team (until I fell asleep on his chest!). I made him breakfast and lunch and I think he enjoyed being waited on a little. I don’t think he’s gotten very much positive attention in his life and I get the impression he’s always been the giver. I like to be able to do these small acts of service for Scott because I know how much he appreciates them. We had a fabulous dinner out over the weekend and there’s no shortage of laughter and easy flowing conversation. It really does feel natural with no pretense.

So that’s two long weekends in a month in which things consistently improve. I’d say that’s a win in itself. We text often every day now and talk most nights. A relationship is beginning to form in its own way.

New things I’ve begun to notice and I’m trying to work through:

If I like it, he wants to like it right away too. While this is great, I want someone who maintains their own identity. I decided to run a half marathon and he immediately chose to run it with me. I like a certain type of music and he wants to listen to it all the time with me. I like wine and he will drink it with me. I like shellfish and he will eat it with me. None of this is bad, I just don’t want him morphing into what he thinks is the perfect man for me simply to attract me.

He compliments me constantly. Nothing is ever wrong with me (except he thinks I’m snobby too, who wouldn’t). Again, not sure what I think about this. Of course I want to be all the things to him but it falls flat when every word out of his mouth is how beautiful and special and amazing I am. Again, not really a negative but for some reason it’s overkill?

The last piece: I notice he doesn’t really ask me a lot of open ended questions. He is very in tune to me and pays attention, but he doesn’t seem to try and get to know the way my mind works. Rather, he goes for the outward things like my favorite food, wine, exercise (he joined Peloton because of me) or music. These things he nails because he watches me closely. Tony dug around. He asked about my family, my past, my education, why I liked some things and not others, what I dreamed of, what my sorrows were. Scott seems to be focused on how to please me. He often notes that I ask him a lot of questions and some of them make him uncomfortable to be so vulnerable but he likes opening up to me. But he doesn’t really come up with his own questions. I’m not sure how much this matters right now, we all move at different speeds and Tony’s matched mine exactly in that respect. I think Scott wants to to reveal myself in my own time without his prompting. This has actually made me realize I may not tell him everything (I can actually thanks George for that lesson in fact). Maybe he doesn’t need to buy the cow just to get the milk. I’m not exactly sure what I think of this but there’s a part of me that’s glad he isn’t probing further since I’m not ready to be that far into relationship with him when I’m still tenuous in some respects.

Maybe my reticence is because I may still have walls up. Maybe it’s self-sabotage. I don’t really know. He wants to please me so badly it’s amazing to me, but maybe I don’t want to feel like I’m continuously taking advantage of his crush on me. I don’t have the answers to these questions, but I do feel a certain amount of reticence for an unclear reason.

Next week I will head down to his house for almost a week. With the distance between us (and the cost that brings) it forces longer visits and I think it’s worth seeing Scott in his own surroundings. He’s super excited I offered to come to him and wants me to meet his adult daughter. I have no doubt we will have a great time and I’m looking forward to having more continuous time with him. We will have a mini weekend getaway as well as we’ve decided to run our half marathon around the National Mall in DC. That was his idea and, as hard as it is to impress me, he really doesn’t fall short in this area.

Maybe my lesson is about finding balance. I’m certain there is a lesson in here with Scott. I’ve got a good thing I intend to let run it’s natural course with no preconceived notion of duration or “what’s next.” I’m opening myself up to this pretty great guy and seeing where it takes me.

So there it is, the whole Scott story in a big word dump.

I don’t know what’s next but I can tell you I’m looking forward to seeing him and spending an extended amount of time with him next week and I’m happy to take it slowly for once.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

4 thoughts on “I am so confused …. (part 3)”

  1. I’m not surprised that he’s trying to be the man he thinks you want him to be and I can see how that would kinda bug you. But I’m happy to see that you see the sense in letting him be who he is although, jeez, if you and I were talking and you started telling me how you felt about the difference in our employment ambitions, kinda bashing my job, and pointing out that we’re not from the same side of the track, I would have walked away from you because you clearly aren’t looking at that which is important: I like you and a lot and I wanna to try to make it work between us. Having said that, I’m glad to see that you’re gonna send your brain on vacation and just go with being in the moment with him and seeing where it goes…

    I just hope that the “other side” of you doesn’t rear its head and starts panicking because he’s getting too close and you make the decision to dump him… and your mission at this point is to not let that happen. There are many lessons to be learned with Scott and most of them are about yourself. It’s not so much a thing about balance as it is a thing of accepting Scott because he’s Scott and he’s resonating with you and not letting all that other stuff you tend to insist on force you to once again find yourself all by yourself.

    Scott is Scott… so he’s not Tony and he’s certainly not your ex-husband. One of the “mistakes” a lot of women make with men is trying to change them to fit their needs and desires rather than to go about relationships by “doing the best you can with what you have to work with.” Women can feel… entitled in that they want what they want and the exact way they want it and no substitutions or exceptions allowed and, as such, when homey doesn’t measure up – and they never will, by the way – the poor sap can find himself getting dumped because the woman doesn’t like the way he blinks… or some other shit deemed to be of importance and really isn’t.

    Be in the moment with him, Madeline and for Pete’s sake, don’t let that other side of you try to mold him into an image he’s not going to be able to fit into… and it kinda scares me because, well, you tend to do just that and more so when a guy begins to get closer to you than you’re comfortable with. I’m rooting for you, of course – you can do this because we both know you need to do this. I will, once again, plead with you to not let your past screw this up and plead even more for you to keep those preconceived notions and other stuff out of the picture.

    I do not want to see you fail at this and now, yeah – I’m “putting the pressure” on you to succeed. Are you up to this?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I just laughed so hard at “the way he blinks” that I choked on my water 😂. I knew I needed a divorce when I was sitting across from my x on the couch and he was breathing. I got up and went to the other room and knew at that moment the marriage was entirely over. 😂

      Believe it or not, Scott schooled me a bit, very gently considering, when I was talking about jobs etc. and I shut up. He doesn’t deserve my judgement. Frankly he’s just so kind that I listen to him – which I really don’t usually do as easily as I seem to do with him. He already likes me for whatever reasons I can’t imagine when I wasn’t so nice – so I would like to show him I can actually be a pretty nice girl after all.

      I don’t want to mold him. I think I’m over the stage of ever trying that again because it was how I married the wrong man. Scott is Scott.

      I’m open to the lessons now. I didn’t realize I wasn’t before, but something has changed in enough failed interactions that I realize it’s time to listen and pay attention to what I’m doing wrong.

      No one can be Tony. I do feel that might have been my once in a life love and I’m going to be ok with that. I mourned the loss of someone I considered a soulmate and I don’t need anyone to be like him. It wasn’t meant to be. He taught me what I needed and I now I know how to recognize those things. I don’t compare Scott to Tony because I wish Scott was more like Tony – I only do it as a point of reference.

      Things are in a nice place with Scott and I intend to let them go and grow on their own. And be a nice girl. Because he deserves that from me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I somehow missed this before your last post about heading down to spend a week with Scott. I’m glad you are proceeding. You deserve to be able to relax and to be happy.

    The issues you bring up regarding social/economic standing are real for you. It occurs to me that the significant relationsihps of the last few years (Tony, Bobby) have never challenged this area of belief about yourself for you. Perhaps part of the attraction, or lack thereof, with Scott is accepting his difference from what you strongly believe is part of your type.

    Trust is never going to be all in immediately type of thing. Letting go and letting him lead and correct in the end is removing one brick from your walls. As is falling asleep in the car. You have been let down in the past in real and important ways. Respect those events impact you in the present, but letting go on something small opens the trust door a crack to a greater intimacy going forward. This is a new man, a good man in your own words. Try to be patient and let the adventure unfold and delight you in a different way.


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